Have I Screwed This Up?? [update]

[smudge21]

The more distant she gets, the more you chase; the more you chase, the more aggressive she gets which leads to more distance. I agree with Jabron however that she is talking down to you, not with you. It comes across as she doesn't seem to respect you, likes you to be with you, but not respect. Now this may be down to you pi$$ing her off lately but it's sadly the way you are (something you have to deal with).

 

 

You want her all the time and during that time, all her attention. She wants you but also wants to be able to live her life. It's a toxic mix here if you can't learn to back off as others have said, but also she needs to chill on the way she speaks to you. Okay you've done some things wrong, but two wrongs don't make a right and therefore you should talk to her and address both issues here. If she doesn't want to talk or backs away, then you do the same and leave alone for a bit. A bit of space may do you both good.

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

The more distant she gets, the more you chase; the more you chase, the more aggressive she gets which leads to more distance. I agree with Jabron however that she is talking down to you, not with you. It comes across as she doesn't seem to respect you, likes you to be with you, but not respect. Now this may be down to you pi$$ing her off lately but it's sadly the way you are (something you have to deal with).

 

 

You want her all the time and during that time, all her attention. She wants you but also wants to be able to live her life. It's a toxic mix here if you can't learn to back off as others have said, but also she needs to chill on the way she speaks to you. Okay you've done some things wrong, but two wrongs don't make a right and therefore you should talk to her and address both issues here. If she doesn't want to talk or backs away, then you do the same and leave alone for a bit. A bit of space may do you both good.

 

 

Space may be difficult, we're going to be living in a motorhome for a week from Friday, ha ha. Will be a good test though.

 

As the day goes on I'm beginning to realise that she has many faults, and I can feel my interest level dropping. Hopefully it will drop down enough for her to start chasing again, she has communicated that she prefers it that way round anyway, and would like me to be stronger. The only thing that makes me weak is my illness, and I think she mistakes that person for the real me.

 

She's communicated to me exactly what she wants, and I will do my best to deliver, unfortunately the way she told me was very cold and quite scathing.

 

One thing I know for sure is that I won't be controlled for much longer. I had a treatment for my health condition a couple of months ago, it takes a while to work, and over the last couple of days it's really been taking effect. She's going to be shocked when she meets the real me, and it will be her asking for more of my time!

[preraph]

You need to learn to permanently exercise some self-control and respect for what another person wants. Now, if the gulf is still too wide, it just isn't a match. Insecurity is driving you making you frantic. So treat your anxiety for a start.

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

Update:

 

Just had a few messages from her....

 

Are you ok? xx

 

Hope you're not overthinking stuff? x

 

It was just a small argument, forgotten now x

 

Pffffft!

 

Maybe this is just her way when she has an argument, she certainly didn't hold back! I'll definitely take the 'too full on' comments on board, and learn from this experience, and next time we argue I'll be ready.

[Phoenician]

Every time I see posts like this , I hate myself .

 

OP , do you want to become a doormat like what happened to me before ?

 

I became a doormat in few years after marriage ; why , simply because some women have the "services " as priority 1 or two on their list , and my wife is one of them ; to make it worse she is passive aggressive , I can see genes in you gf too.

 

It took me years to restore balance , and finally I was able to flip the table ; and restore the norm ; but it is a tiring job to remind her when she rages

to respect limits .

 

 

being a gentlemen is misunderstood nowadays .

 

 

Be a gentlmen toward her in front of ppl , but if she rages tell her to F... herself ; and never apologize if you are not at fault ; even never directly apologize if you are at fault !

[GenuineAttraction]

Dude, you need to be who you are going to be regardless of her behavior. You are not being emotionally stable. If she's in the phone get up and do something else. Don't wait on her to give you attention like a lost puppy.

 

You aren't focusing on that which is important in life you are focusing solely on her and then reprimanding her for losing attraction. She can't help it when you act this way. So she ends up feeling guilty and you coming off as clingy. Then logically tries to find out what's wrong. This pulls her out of her comfort zone and doesn't make her feel accepted, loved, or safe.

 

You need to love you, and follow what you love to do, prioritize your life towards that and she'll find the attraction again. But she already had one foot out of the door. I suspect one more "talk" with have her walking.

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

Hey guys,

 

I've been dating this woman for four months now, most of the time it has been great, but I have had a couple of moments when I have come across as a little needy, and over pursued slightly.

 

We booked a trip away together quite early into our relationship, to somewhere very special. We travelled there last week and had an amazing time together, literally the trip of a lifetime, it was great, and to have a week together in such an amazing location was epic.

 

Prior to going things were a little rocky, I'd complained I wasn't seeing enough of her, and she didn't take it very well.

 

During our trip I was able to really relax and have fun with her, because I wasn't constantly wondering when I would see her next, we were sleeping in the same bed every night, and I have to say, I loved it. I really feel like we ironed out our issues, and bonded extremely well, we also encountered some problems during our trip, and we dealt with them like a proper team.

 

Most of the week was spent laughing, joking, smiling, kissing, cuddling, having sex, etc, as well as seeing some absolutely breath taking sights.

 

As we were heading home I felt a familiar uncertainty and fear rising inside me, asking, '****, when will I see her again?' And as I said good bye at her door I almost became tearful, as she said 'this feels weird', because we'd spent all that time together, and were now going to be apart.

 

I know I will see her again in a day or two, but right now I miss her like crazy! It's only been around ten and a half hours! Ha ha.

 

She's a very independent woman, and I know she hates the thought of me sitting around thinking about her all the time.

 

I am in love with her, something I haven't told her yet, and will keep to myself until she feels the same, but I know I have to play it cool at this point and let her come back to me when she is ready. It's so hard to not let my feelings be known to her!

 

I hope she is feeling the same way right now.

 

Any advice?

[jcromp]

ok, it's good that you recognize that she's independent and won't react well to you being demanding of too much of her time. However, you just spent a week together, so if the relationship is going to move forward naturally, it will now. You've got to remember that the insecurity you feel when you can't be with her all the time is YOURS to own. It doesn't sound like she's doing anything to cause you to feel insecure about the relationship, so you need to try to get a handle on that yourself.

 

You just had a great week together, so the relationship now has a strong basis for moving forward. Do your very best not to rush it. Tomorrow, try to set up the next time to get together, but let it be on her terms. Once she sees that you're not going to try to pressure her into something sooner than she's ready, she'll be much more responsive. If you keep pushing her, she'll feel the need to push back, and you don't want that.

 

Now, of course, you don't want to back off too much, or she may worry that something is wrong. I know that I'm suggesting a fine line to walk and that's frustrating. Basically, stay in touch with her but try letting her set the pace for how often you get together if you can. I know it's tempting to want to be with her every minute right now because you just had a wonderful week together. But if she's independent like you're saying, it's totally natural for her to want a little time to herself right now since she's just spent a week with you. That doesn't mean anything bad.

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

Great reply, thanks. Pretty much knew all that already, but playing down interest level is a pretty tough thing to do!

 

I think my game plan will be minimal contact, so she has time to remember all everything that happened while we were away. When I took her home yesterday she told me 'all the nice little things you've done for me this week haven't gone unnoticed'

[LAtoChiGuy]

Sorry OP but this whole thing seems weird to me.

 

Been together 4 months and just had an extended vacation and you are worried about when you will see her again? That's what people say in their first two weeks of dating someone new.

 

In my experience by this point in a relationship you shouldn't even have to ask for dates or have this level of worry. Many couples move in together between like six months and a year, and it sounds like you two aren't even close to that. Many couples will have exchanged keys somewhere around this mark. Have you?

 

By this point most couples see each other multiple times a week. Do you?

 

You mentioned you haven't said I love you yet. Most couples say that in the 2-3 month range.

 

I don't want to mess up what sounds like a promising thing so hopefully others can confirm some of this but you might want to get some clarity on where you are heading because right now, to me, it sounds like a very one-sided relationship in terms of investment.

 

Do some soul-searching, listen to other people and when it feels right you are going to need to have some scary (but good!) conversations with this lady. Even bring up the trip as a reason why. Something like, "we had such a great time in ________, it made me want to take another step with you, so here's the key to my place and I'll clear out some closet space for you, especially if you bring that [insert something super sexy she wore on her trip]"

 

Like I said, great sign she went with you on a vacation, but still some puzzling stuff to me. Good luck OP!!

[Tribble]

Sorry OP but this whole thing seems weird to me.

 

Been together 4 months and just had an extended vacation and you are worried about when you will see her again? That's what people say in their first two weeks of dating someone new.

 

In my experience by this point in a relationship you shouldn't even have to ask for dates or have this level of worry. Many couples move in together between like six months and a year, and it sounds like you two aren't even close to that. Many couples will have exchanged keys somewhere around this mark. Have you?

 

By this point most couples see each other multiple times a week. Do you?

 

You mentioned you haven't said I love you yet. Most couples say that in the 2-3 month range.

 

I don't want to mess up what sounds like a promising thing so hopefully others can confirm some of this but you might want to get some clarity on where you are heading because right now, to me, it sounds like a very one-sided relationship in terms of investment.

 

Do some soul-searching, listen to other people and when it feels right you are going to need to have some scary (but good!) conversations with this lady. Even bring up the trip as a reason why. Something like, "we had such a great time in ________, it made me want to take another step with you, so here's the key to my place and I'll clear out some closet space for you, especially if you bring that [insert something super sexy she wore on her trip]"

 

Like I said, great sign she went with you on a vacation, but still some puzzling stuff to me. Good luck OP!!

 

To be fair, who cares what most couples would do? We're constantly telling people not to judge a relationship based on what you see of others. And moving in at the 6-12 month mark? I'm sure plenty of people do that but, to me, that's fast. Loads of my friends aren't yet living with boyfriends of 1 year plus.

 

 

So far, from your post, your problems have been because you've been a bit clingy and insecure. Pushing for more at this stage may freak her out. I'm not saying don't have a conversation about where your relationship is headed. At 4 months, that is perfectly reasonable. Just maybe give it a few weeks once the high and bubble of being away has subsided. By your own admission, things were a little rocky. If it's going to last, you need to take your time.

[LAtoChiGuy]

To be fair, who cares what most couples would do? We're constantly telling people not to judge a relationship based on what you see of others. And moving in at the 6-12 month mark? I'm sure plenty of people do that but, to me, that's fast. Loads of my friends aren't yet living with boyfriends of 1 year plus.

 

Totally agree, everyone has their own timeline.

 

I just find OP's relationship a little strange. 4 months and a vacation together and he is still worried about seeming needy. Something doesn't add up. Feels like a one-sided relationship to me.

 

Also I never said they should move in. But having a conversation about where they want to have this go or a gesture like giving a key to his place doesn't seem insane to me. I'm just worried with her lack of commitment (at least how I interpret it) that the longer it goes, the worse it is going to feel if this relationship doesn't pan out.

 

Obviously we all bring our own experiences to this so my previous relationships inform my opinion and same for you.

 

Either way, good luck OP

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

She has a key to my place, and we do see each other a few times a week. My problem is that I'd like to see her more, and by pushing for that I have pushed her away slightly, before the holiday, so right now I think playing it cool and hanging back is my best option.

 

I'm in love with her, and I think she is nearly there too, but my game will need to be tight to get us to that point. She is determined to take things slow and not make the same mistakes we have both made in the past, so I have to be respectful of that, I just miss her so much when we're not together, which I think is normal.

[introverted1]

She has a key to my place, and we do see each other a few times a week. My problem is that I'd like to see her more, and by pushing for that I have pushed her away slightly, before the holiday, so right now I think playing it cool and hanging back is my best option.

 

I'm in love with her, and I think she is nearly there too, but my game will need to be tight to get us to that point. She is determined to take things slow and not make the same mistakes we have both made in the past, so I have to be respectful of that, I just miss her so much when we're not together, which I think is normal.

 

How many times a week do you see each other and what would be your ideal?

 

Honestly, when I read "a few times" I am interpreting that as 3-4, which would be plenty at the 4 month mark, especially since I work, have hobbies and friends, need time to myself, etc.

 

YMMV

[AMJ]

Whatever is holding her back from wanting to spend more time with you is probably pretty clear in her mind. You should just ask her about it. If I were in her position, and I still had concerns about the relationship progressing, I'd know exactly why, and I'd probably want to talk about it. Why carry on not knowing what her deal is, just wasting your time?

[d0nnivain]

Back off. You already know she doesn't want as much togetherness as you do & if you push for same you will push her away again.

 

Early in a dating relationship after a vacation I want time apart usually at least as much time as I spent with the person. If we were together for a week, I don't want to see you for a week.

 

Today is Monday. Call & ask for a Friday date. Let her suggest something earlier but don't you.

[Jejangles]

I think I'm like your girlfriend. I have been with my boyfriend for a few months and while he would be happy to see each other most days and talks a lot about the future, I like to have days off and focus more on the near term. It's not that I have concerns about my boyfriend or am not excited about our future, I just need a balance in my life and want to get to know each other slowly. Plus we are not yet at the stage where we just hang around each other doing our own thing, when we are together, we are "together". Sometimes I need time to just surf the net and watch crap TV on my own.

 

All that said, I agree with others that you need to respect her need for space. I really appreciate that my boyfriend allows me to have my time without pushing me to see him even though he would probably see me every day. Time apart makes me miss him and gets me excited to see him again! Too much time together would burn me out and possibly damage the relationship. So you guys just spent a great week together. Try to focus on the good feelings from that and all the positive interactions you had, and don't focus on your anxiety or concern about the future. Give her a few days to decompress after your trip and let her come to you!

[Kellens]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for about 5 months now and he was the same way as you in the beginning too and it was a turn off for me. I actually almost decided to stop seeing him a few times because his neediness was a little too much. He kind of wore me down though because I was very attracted to him and when we were together he was great. This kind of sounds like you, I've only read this post so I don't want to assume, but I think you will do well if you just show a little bit of restraint. I remember one morning he didn't text me, I was used to getting something early every morning, and it made me feel so lonely and miss him. Thinking back now I know he did it as a test to see if I would contact him first for once and to make me miss him, and it obviously worked!

Try little things, you don't need to scale back in a major way. Me and my boyfriend see each other 5-6 days a week now and he basically lives with me during the week. This is something I wasn't open to at all at first but every relationship is different. I am also very independent and was single for a year and a half so it took some getting used to but everything seems to be good for now.

If your vacation went so well and she said she felt weird being apart from you, I think she is into you, you can keep her interested if you hold back just a little. Good luck!

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

Been Whatsapping tonight, and we're seeing each other on Thursday.

 

She's a busy girl, has lots of friends and family she sees regularly, and a couple of other things going on too, I respect that, and would never get in the way of anything she wants to do.

 

She told me she wants to take things slow, and avoid past mistakes, that we've both made!

 

I need to learn how to chill, and tone down the way I feel when we aren't together. I know she misses me too, but I think it takes her a bit longer.

 

I think the reason I'm so freaked out is because my past relationships have moved very quickly. I'm sure I'll get used to the way she's playing things in a while, just need to do like you folks have suggested, exercise some restraint!

 

Thanks for the advice folks

[d0nnivain]

Remind yourself that those past quick paced relationships didn't work so this going slow is you trying a new -- hopefully more effective -- strategy.

[kismetkismet]

Obviously all situations are different but I can only offer advice on my own experiences.. Honestly I was sort of like your girlfriend at the beginning of my current relationship, while my boyfriend was more like you. I was totally nuts about him though, i just didn't want to move quickly for the wrong reasons - we were both pretty recently out of relationships etc. - and I'm really busy with family, friends & hobbies, PLUS I feel easily drained from too much social interaction where i have to be *on* all the time.

 

He wanted to be together every day whereas I needed more down time in between.. I let my guard down after around 3-4 months I think and honestly sort of just gave over to his wanting to be together all the time haha. He was super accommodating though and would make the hangouts easy for me - coming over to my house most of the time and that sort of thing. We moved in after 6 months (which to me is actually really fast) but once we lived together and our friends and families were more intertwined it was a lot easier to be together as much as he needed. It wasn't such a chore for me to MAKE time for him, and we were comfortable enough together that I didn't have to be *on* all the time with him anymore.

 

However before him i was in a relationship with someone who needed much MORE space than me. I waited and hoped and tried to get used to it, but after a year and a half I finally realized that being together was just going to make me anxious and unhappy, regardless of whether we were good together in some other ways. Everyone has different needs in terms of space and you just have to find someone who's needs are similar enough to your own that you can both be happy and satisfied.

 

I think that after 6 months or so you should have a better idea of whether or not the two of you are heading in the same direction (not to the day obviously, but that's a solid chunk of time to get to know one another).

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

Unfortunately I've made a few mistakes in the four months we have known each other, with a few needy moments. I have been battling with an illness for quite some time now, and was single for 18 months, after my last girlfriend walked out on me, because she had no respect for the person I had become, due to the illness. So, at times I get anxious and scared that the same thing will happen again, and at times I need some reassurance. I also have problems sleeping, which has stopped us sharing a bed as much as we would like to, although, it was fine when we were away together.

 

I'm really hoping that the vacation we had together will be a 'reset' for the relationship, and we can start over. I will try really hard not to make demands and understand her need for space, time with her friends and family, etc, and I also need to focus on getting back to the things I love doing. I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome a couple of years ago, it really isolated me, and I've got used to living a bit of a solitary life, meaning I'm always available for her, which isn't ideal, and I think she's lost a bit of respect for me because of it.

 

Hanging back, taking things slow, not putting pressure on, and generally focusing on having fun when we're together are my only options if I want this thing to work.

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

....And here I am again, woken up at 2am, with thoughts of her swirling round my head....Third night since the holiday without her by my side, and all because she didn't send me a 'good night' message, I'm over thinking everything, 'is she missing me too?' 'Did she enjoy the holiday as much as I did?'

 

I feel like an idiot, I want her next to me so badly, I love this girl, and I want to tell her, but I don't think she feels the same.

 

Over the last couple of days I have hung back on texting, and she has always initiated contact, I guess I should be reassured by that, my conscious mind is, but for some reason it's not reassuring enough to stop me feeling anxious.

[AMJ]

 

Over the last couple of days I have hung back on texting, and she has always initiated contact, I guess I should be reassured by that, my conscious mind is, but for some reason it's not reassuring enough to stop me feeling anxious.

 

Just because someone isn't texting you, does not mean that they aren't thinking about you.

[HereWeGoAgain1980]

I don't think it's even the texting thing that's made me anxious, it's just waking up and not having her by my side.

 

I really want to tell her I've missed having her next to me these past few nights, but I'm not sure how she'll respond, the last time I told her I miss her when we aren't together she told me to 'man up'.

 

I wish I could stop myself feeling this way, I need to sleep, it's affecting my health, and my work. I've got so used to seeing my previous girlfriends every day by this stage, this situation feels alien to me.