what are your reasons to NOT have children?

[RecentChange]

It depends on the social demographic of your area - and how you live your life as well in regards to the social aspects.

 

I hardly EVER see my friends that have kids. They are busy with kid stuff. I have no interest in socializing at "kid gatherings" with other parents. My friends who have kids do not do the same things that "we" used to do any more. They don't paint the town on Friday night. They don't do impromptu trips to the mountains.

 

I don't feel "left out" socially for not having children. First, I live in the San Francisco area - SF has the lowest percentage of households with kids than any major US city (18% of households have kids). I can't say that "95% of the people I know have had kids" - as even in my late 30's, most do not.

 

Heck, in the US as a whole, right now 47+% of women of child bearing age have NOT had any children. Then skew those numbers for a major city (which tend to have less children), and its easy to be social with other "non parents".

[GunslingerRoland]

I recommend anyone who is on the fence about having kids to baby sit a child that is not even a year old!

 

 

 

I'd say even more important than that is babysit a child who is over a year old. Toddler aged, preschool aged.

 

 

The baby stage is very short, and for most parents, by far the EASIEST part of parenthood. They sleep, they eat, they poop. They cry sometimes, but for most babies it isn't overwhelming.

 

 

Taking care of a toddler/preschooler, lasts a lot longer, and is a lot more draining.

[GunslingerRoland]

Oh of course, it all depends on the demographics, and the people you know. I work at a company that is family oriented, so even though I started young, before kids and many of my friends when I started also didn't have kids, we pretty much all have kids now.

 

 

Same with friends outside of work, Most of my friends are from eastern European or Asian cultures where family values tend to be more important, so again almost all of them have kids.

 

 

Again it's a small sample size, but of the few people I know without kids some of them are far more reclusive then the ones with kids... whether it's going out when having a babysitter or going out with the kids, people get out if they want to get out.

[Emilia]

Oh of course, it all depends on the demographics, and the people you know. I work at a company that is family oriented, so even though I started young, before kids and many of my friends when I started also didn't have kids, we pretty much all have kids now.

 

 

Same with friends outside of work, Most of my friends are from eastern European or Asian cultures where family values tend to be more important, so again almost all of them have kids.

 

 

Again it's a small sample size, but of the few people I know without kids some of them are far more reclusive then the ones with kids... whether it's going out when having a babysitter or going out with the kids, people get out if they want to get out.

Job is a good example. Others who don't have kids often move more, younger or just more aggressive on a career ladder. Or get bored with the dynamic.

 

A lot of kidsfree people get reclusive too, they probably don't want much hassle. My life is certainly quieter but I do a wide range of things with a wide range of people. I'm about to go to a debate society event. Gym tomorrow night. Pub quiz on Friday. Friends' house over the weekend as it's rugby finals. I have about 4 survival weekend trips booked so far as I want to go mountaineering in South America next year.

 

I am also looking for a new job and another investment property. This is because I don't have to consider others when it comes to consequences.

[Timshel]

Reading this thread, I am wondering about men who have also decided to 'never' have children. Is there such a thing?...or do a majority of men fall in love and then fall into fatherhood or not, aligning with their SO's desires/fertility?

I haven't noticed any men without kids posting......?

 

Edit to add: Is parenting most often the woman's choice?

Edited March 16, 2016 by Timshel

[BettyDraper]

If my father wasn't so evil I might have wanted children. But he was. It made me cautious of the world. I never felt safe growing up and knew that safety would be a priority when settling down. Having a child wouldn't be a smart thing to do in case my marriage didn't work out. I didn't want to be a struggling single parent who works all the time then comes home and has to deal with kids.

 

I guess it was a long term decision I made when I was six and my parents divorced. If I came from a wealthy family and I'd always have money no matter what then I might have had kids. IDK.

 

This. My mother's abuse and her decision to stay in an unhappy marriage because of her kids made me very cynical of motherhood and marriage. I'm surprised that I managed to become a wife. My husband has always been very patient with me and accepting of my emotional limitations. Even though I am very good with children, I don't think damaged people should reproduce because they will just mess up their kids. I've made significant strides with counseling but some damage is lifelong.

 

I have seen too many couples stay in miserable marriages for their children and I never want to be in that position. My marriage is wonderful but if that changes, I want to be able to leave with no guilt at all. All of the trauma that I have survived has made me very cautious and mistrustful of the world. I feel like I need to protect myself 95% of the time.

 

Other reasons for being childfree include wanting my freedom. I had a very restricted childhood and then I had financial constraints when I lived alone. There were many things that I couldn't do because I didn't have permission or the income. Now I want to live for my pleasure to make up for all the abuse and isolation I suffered.

 

Pregnancy and childbirth are both too horrifying for me to endure. Being pregnant and giving birth is too vulnerable as well as humiliating. I think I would be traumatized by those processes. I am working on losing weight and sculpting my body. I have no desire to gain baby weight.

 

I don't want to live in a home filled with the noise of children. The imperious neediness of kids is hard to deal with and I can only handle it on a finite basis. I also love my disposable income and ample romantic time with my husband. I've read that the best time in a marriage are before children and empty nest. I can see why!

 

I will add that I do love well behaved and sweet kids. I am the proud aunt to a nephew who loves me to death. Everyone says that I would make a great mom because they see how well kids respond to me. Just the other day, a baby was brought into the store where I volunteer. He immediately started cooing and smiling at me. Children can be fun but only in small doses.

[BettyDraper]

I'd say even more important than that is babysit a child who is over a year old. Toddler aged, preschool aged.

 

 

The baby stage is very short, and for most parents, by far the EASIEST part of parenthood. They sleep, they eat, they poop. They cry sometimes, but for most babies it isn't overwhelming.

 

 

Taking care of a toddler/preschooler, lasts a lot longer, and is a lot more draining.

 

Most new parents I've known are exhausted from late night feedings, crying and not having any time for themselves anymore.

 

Babies whom I've been responsible for screamed so much that they made me cry.

I'm talking about HOURS of wailing because of teething and separation anxiety.

 

I'm glad that I had a lot of experience with babies and kids of all ages. It cemented my decision to remain childfree.

[mcjordan]

I'm trying to figure out how to make this NOT sound....fake or condescending....

 

I like this thread because it shows people actually put thought into what they feel and what they want and do not want with regard to children. I applaud someone who knows "I do not want this" and doesn't bow to some societal pressure. I love my own kids, but I think the idea that we all HAVE TO procreate is ridiculous.

[BettyDraper]

was there ever any particular - deeper - reason...?

 

also - question for everyone... was there ever any moment in your life where you thought about HAVING kids but decided against it after all? what was the KEY moment when you realized it REALLY won't happen for you?

 

 

 

if you married your husband earlier in life - do you think you'd have children?

 

 

 

don't apologize for rambling! LoL. ramble all you want, i'm super happy so many of you decided to reply.

 

and yeah - i think one of the greatest reasons that folks decide to have children is fear of being totally alone and not having anyone of your own.

 

 

 

Carrie, i'm so sorry! sending virtual hugs to you & other posters who had to go through the same horrible experience. question -- do you think you'd want/have children if your childhood was a happy one?

 

 

 

wow, this is interesting! when you first met your husband - how did you feel about him having children? now that you're a stepmom - did that confirm that your decision was a right one?

 

 

 

i agree with you - BUT -- majority did have a "idk what to do" moment at some point... from my experience. and after that moment, the decision to NOT have kids became certain. i know very few folks who were always so sure of their decision to not have children... most do wonder through various phases of life; that's why i'm surprised at how many ladies are absolutely sure of it on this thread.

 

I have had moments where I think about having kids. However, my reservations, traumas and acknowledgement of my health issues always win out.

 

If I had a happy childhood, I probably would have had kids because I wouldn't be so messed up and I would trust the world more. I've seen how motherhood can turn a woman into a monster and I don't want to take that risk. I have some of my mother's temperament and I'm not sure if I would handle the frustrations of motherhood well.

 

It helps that I married a man who is childfree and he has had a vasectomy. I love mentioning my husband's procedure when people tell me that I will change my mind about having kids. Shuts them up right away. It was so hard to find a good man so I will do everything in my power to make our marriage successful.

[BettyDraper]

I'm trying to figure out how to make this NOT sound....fake or condescending....

 

I like this thread because it shows people actually put thought into what they feel and what they want and do not want with regard to children. I applaud someone who knows "I do not want this" and doesn't bow to some societal pressure. I love my own kids, but I think the idea that we all HAVE TO procreate is ridiculous.

 

Many parents should not have had children.

 

I don't understand those who bring children into poverty and then complain about not being able to afford the costs of raising kids. WTF? So stupid.

[BettyDraper]

It's interesting that a number of people here are citing bad childhood experiences, esp. negative experiences with their parents, as their reason for not wanting kids themselves.

 

While the stories are sad, they do add to the argument of - Don't have kids unless you're certain you want them and certain you can provide them a loving, safe environment.

 

I do think so many people just go through the motions with having kids (whether by accident or planning), feeling like it's a box they're obligated to tick off. That ignores the ENORMITY of what the decisions results in: A brand-new human life, with all its complexity and needs and sometimes pain, that will be around long after you yourself are not.

 

What gets tricky for me is that I do 100 percent feel grateful that I was born, and feel that life is worth living despite its pain. So it feels a little weird to block the possibility of another new life that I'd hope would be just as rich.

 

My husband and my volunteer work make me feel glad to be alive. However, I could have done without everything else that I've mentioned. There was a period in my life when I didn't feel that life was worth living. Now I can't imagine not being alive to experience all of the hard won joys.

 

What I've learned is that the meaning of life is love. Love in all its forms is the point of being alive so that we can share it with the world. I know I sound like a hippie but that is what I truly believe. The love from my husband, my family and my friends is what keeps me going.

[GunslingerRoland]

Most new parents I've known are exhausted from late night feedings, crying and not having any time for themselves anymore.

 

 

It's interesting, I wonder if it's different for Americans in this respect. I mean for most of the world, the mother gets a year of maternity leave. So parents are able to balance out the late night feedings, with nap time that they can take advantage of too... I guess for many Americans that have to go back to work within a few months, it must be exhausting having to work full time and then parent all night.

[Timshel]

i think the decision to NOT have children is one of the major ones during one's life -- that means, pretty much DAILY taking care and making sure you don't end up pregnant; using various forms of contraception. so basically... the conscious effort is great - i always wondered about folks who decided not to have kids but are able to (they aren't infertile or ill or things like that).

 

so what are your reasons?

 

 

I'm trying to figure out how to make this NOT sound....fake or condescending....

 

I like this thread because it shows people actually put thought into what they feel and what they want and do not want with regard to children. I applaud someone who knows "I do not want this" and doesn't bow to some societal pressure. I love my own kids, but I think the idea that we all HAVE TO procreate is ridiculous.

 

Yes, but how many men without children have posted on this thread and made a decisive statement as to whether they do/do not want children?

[BettyDraper]

It's interesting, I wonder if it's different for Americans in this respect. I mean for most of the world, the mother gets a year of maternity leave. So parents are able to balance out the late night feedings, with nap time that they can take advantage of too... I guess for many Americans that have to go back to work within a few months, it must be exhausting having to work full time and then parent all night.

 

I'm in Canada and we have a year of mat leave.

It still doesn't stop mothers, especially new ones, from complaining about how tired they are. I believe them because even looking after kids for 8 hours has left me completely exhausted.

[Timshel]

My husband and my volunteer work make me feel glad to be alive. However, I could have done without everything else that I've mentioned. There was a period in my life when I didn't feel that life was worth living. Now I can't imagine not being alive to experience all of the hard won joys.

 

What I've learned is that the meaning of life is love. Love in all its forms is the point of being alive so that we can share it with the world. I know I sound like a hippie but that is what I truly believe. The love from my husband, my family and my friends is what keeps me going.

 

XO, that's it.

[minimariah]

i noticed a lot of women & men do want children... but decided not to have them for this or that reason; mostly out of fear. could be bad childhood, bad experiences in general with love and relationships or just not finding the right person.

 

Reading this thread, I am wondering about men who have also decided to 'never' have children. Is there such a thing?...or do a majority of men fall in love and then fall into fatherhood or not, aligning with their SO's desires/fertility?

I haven't noticed any men without kids posting......?

 

Edit to add: Is parenting most often the woman's choice?

 

EXCELLENT point, Timshel!

 

i didn't see guys post in this thread at all - and the thread is for both men and women. from my experience - women think about children more. as in, they consciously make that decision while men just... either don't think about it or start thinking about it only after their partner mentions it.

 

it sure is interesting that women were the ones to respond to this thread in details about their choices. is parenting most often the woman's choice? i think so, yes.

[devilish innocent]

I actually used to think I wanted kids. I'm somebody who's spent a lot of time baby-sitting, working at a day care center, playing with relatives children, taking child development courses, etc. When it came down it, though, I realized I didn't have to do the work of caring for a child 24/7. There were other factors that played into my decision, but that was really the main one for me. Watching kids is a more pleasant job than just about anything else I can think of, but it still feels like work. If other people want to take on all that responsibility, I'm more than happy to let them be the ones to raise the next generation.

 

Somebody mentioned that people who are on the fence about having children should baby-sit. I actually wonder if it wouldn't be more useful for those who are sure they want children to baby-sit. The people who are on the fence about having children are probably already thinking about the amount of work that would be involved. The ones I worry about are the ones who think they really want kids but don't realize what it entails. It's like the difference between admiring somebody from afar versus having to spend your life married to them. Maybe it would work out, but it's just as like that the adoration would wear off.

 

I came to the final decision of not having kids a few years back. Before that I'd gone from believing I wanted them to becoming more and more unsure. My husband said if we didn't make a decision, the decision would be made for us. We agreed to come to a decision over the next 12 months. But then I spent the next two weeks talking to parents and child-free people about their decision. After those two weeks, I was able to say I didn't want children.

 

To address the issue of it being the man or woman's decision... I feel my husband lost the ability to make the final decision after we baby-sat his relatives overnight. There who two kids who both kept demanding my constant attention. I left that experience exhausted. Meanwhile, my husband spent the majority of that time talking to a friend on the computer and ignoring the kids. This was back when I was still undecided, and it was one of the things that pushed me further away from wanting them.

 

My husband was disappointed about not having kids at first. He's come around to the idea, though. He mostly wanted kids to share his hobbies with, but I pointed out that having kids meant spending less time on those hobbies.

[MissCongeniality]

I never wanted kids I never wanted to be married I use to just want to be free and irrisponsible but I ended up going down a different path would I do things differently if I got a do over? No because my kids annoy me sometimes, they give me a headache as well but they mean everything to me and I'd do every mistake and wrong choice over and over again to have them in my life.

[Emilia]

I'm trying to figure out how to make this NOT sound....fake or condescending....

 

I like this thread because it shows people actually put thought into what they feel and what they want and do not want with regard to children. I applaud someone who knows "I do not want this" and doesn't bow to some societal pressure. I love my own kids, but I think the idea that we all HAVE TO procreate is ridiculous.

 

Some people feel the need to procreate because we live in societies with borders, segregated. There are 7 billion people on this planet. If they were more evenly distributed, rather than a big chunk of them living in 3rd world gutters, this thread wouldn't even exist. It's all about superficial constraints and their effects.

[GunslingerRoland]

China is the most populated country in the world, people there fought for decades for the right to have more children after the 1 child legislation came in. So I don't necessarily agree that if it was more crowded here, people would be less likely to have kids.

[Emilia]

China is the most populated country in the world, people there fought for decades for the right to have more children after the 1 child legislation came in. So I don't necessarily agree that if it was more crowded here, people would be less likely to have kids.[/QUOTe]

 

I was referring to societal pressure. It is very strong in some European countries with aging population. China had its own problems, I think largely to do with having a girl and no chance of having a boy when you could only have one kid.

[mcjordan]

I was referring to societal pressure. It is very strong in some European countries with aging population. China had its own problems, I think largely to do with having a girl and no chance of having a boy when you could only have one kid.

 

Yes, this is why most of the orphanages are filled with girls....and sadly, some of the gutters and trash bins

[Gloria25]

I grew up in a dysfunctional home and we were always broke.

 

Didn't take me long to see that having children was a responsibility that should be taken seriously. So, although I started sexual activity in my teens I took it upon myself to seek proper contraception and was not careless. I also didn't buy into the whole "using kids to trap a guy and/or fill a selfish void in your life". I remember as a tween - and without half the knowledge and worldly experience I have now, was lecturing my sister (who was 4 years older than me) on how her bf at that time was not "family material" and that she shouldn't date him with such serious intentions. I was really mature for my age you know...

 

Then, in the military and at the height of me being brainwashed by certain groups/movements, I was going to have a child without a man cuz I could raise a kid without a guy... . Thankfully I woke up from that delusional thinking and when I see other women intentionally have kids knowing dad will not be in the picture (to satisfy a selfish void in their lives) it makes me sick.

 

Since then, I just haven't met a man worthy of starting a family with. Unlike some people who marry and/or have kids with people they barely dated/know - I take vows and kids seriously. Being raised in a broken home, I'm not bringing a child into this world unless I'm married and at least 2-3 years into the marriage. Lots of broken homes now a days cus people don't marry/date right, are selfish and self absorbed. They think they can just do whatever and the kids are "along for the ride".

 

So, I'm approaching 40, I still am fertile but not gonna even think of having a kid unless I have a "nest" (2-3 years into a good marriage). Even then, the risks of having a child with defects increases with age and I really would have to get the blessing from several doctors if I and my husband were gonna try naturally to have kids...if we couldn't and/or the risk was too big I'd consider adoption.

[Haydn]

i noticed a lot of women & men do want children... but decided not to have them for this or that reason; mostly out of fear. could be bad childhood, bad experiences in general with love and relationships or just not finding the right person.

 

 

 

EXCELLENT point, Timshel!

 

i didn't see guys post in this thread at all - and the thread is for both men and women. from my experience - women think about children more. as in, they consciously make that decision while men just... either don't think about it or start thinking about it only after their partner mentions it.

 

it sure is interesting that women were the ones to respond to this thread in details about their choices. is parenting most often the woman's choice? i think so, yes.

 

 

I did post.

[Els]

I'm largely leaning towards no, but I'm not 100% on it. I do envy the people who just KNOW either way - yes or no - unfortunately I'm not one of them. Not yet, anyway.

 

Intellectually, I know I'll absolutely loathe having to give up the prime years of my life taking care of a child. People always talk about how it's an 'investment' for later in life but I don't see it that way - it is just assumed that children will grow up to be happy, healthy, productive adults who have a good relationship with their parents... which isn't always the case. Not even close to 80% of the time. And while good parenting can increase the odds of that happening, it isn't anywhere near a guarantee, because there are far too many factors beyond your control.

 

That being said, I do occasionally feel the biological urge to pass my genes on. I just don't think it's ethical to have children for this sole reason. For the child's sake, only people who truly want to be parents should be parents IMO.

 

Still, life has a funny way of changing perspectives, so we'll see what happens over the next decade I suppose...