Lady2163 Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 The thing that leaped out from your post was that you are willing to share/give your money to people who may or may not pay you back and/or reciprocate. There's a lot of potential for users to beat a path to your door and that would send up alarm bells for me. I'm sure it makes you feel good to be generous, but that can be sort of....addictive. It can be a rush to have people be so happy to get the extra boost or so appreciative for that cup of coffee or paid lunch. It can be a problem and you can be setting yourself up to fail. Sometimes givers don't realize that their kindness is being given to a user or someone who will never reciprocate. Friendship is about reciprocity. I had three good female friends and I would take them out for supper on their birthdays. Each time they would promise to return the gesture for my birthday and yet, they were oddly absent when that rolled around. After two years of conveniently blowing off my birthday and ghosting me, I quit doing things like that for them. Two faded away over other issues and one I had to verbally cut ties with. Sorry my screen isn't cooperating have to go. Morale of the story talk to your husband about this.... Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 (edited) A bit controlling? Very controlling He wouldn't allow you to buy a bottle of water or a chocolate bar? You are a grown woman, with her own income, and he is treating you like a child. For me, this wouldn't fly for a moment. My husband and I both work, I make about 50% more than he does. Neither of us controls the other like you have described. Large purchases are mutually agreed upon, otherwise we are both given the freedoms and responsibilities of an adult. Does he not trust you to buy a chocolate bar? Does he think you are like a child and do not know how to make choices? Different strokes for different folks I suppose, but this would not fly for me. This. OP, it sounds like you are being financially abused. The way your husband handles money is exploitative and completely unfair. You will need to stand up for yourself and change the dynamic in your marriage. Edited February 3, 2017 by BettyDraper Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 The situation with your husband is completely messed up, he sounds controlling, and if he is unwilling to change you should reconsider being with him. That being said, while it doesn't excuse his crappy behaviour, YOUR behaviour also strikes me as really odd. When you go on vacation, he withdraws money in the local currency and doesn't give you any unless you ask for an item, right? But WHY do you play along and ask for a bottle of water or a chocolate bar like a 10-yo going out with mum and dad? You say you have a job, so presumably you have your own bank account and an ATM card. Why not just withdraw a small amount of your own money in the local currency as well, instead of playing along with the whole messed-up deal? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Perhaps it is cultural but certain things don't add up for me. 1. You said you have a job. If you have a job, why don't you have access to the money you earned? 2. If you can't get money from your husband to buy a bottle of water or a candy bar, where are you getting this money you give to other people? What possessed you to do such an unwise thing? It's fine to be generous but your own needs have to be met. 3. Is your husband willing to talk about this with you? I couldn't live in a marriage where I had to ask for pocket change & I really couldn't deal with being told no I can't have a water or a candy bar. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 6, 2017 Share Posted February 6, 2017 OP, I went back and read a few of your other threads about your husband, back to when you were dating. Very concerning... why did you put up with all of this and agree to marry him when the signs have been there from the start? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author amazingdrummer Posted February 7, 2017 Author Share Posted February 7, 2017 Thanks for all of your advice, I really appreciate them. And sorry for my bad English for it's not my native language About the fact that I didn't bring my money, when we traveled we used money from out joint-account, I often lose things, so I prefer not to bring credit cards or any important things with us. Some asked me how I could give money to people but couldn't buy myself a chocolate bar. The money I gave to people, it was my own savings, and I have and spend my own money which my husband doesn't interfere. He doesn't like the idea though, he thinks it's not the wise way to spend money. He has his point. So "buying chocolate bar" problem could be solved by next time I should remember to bring some money with me, but what I expect may be a little bit more. I expect my husband to be more giving, and to be willing to share with me anything. I do not mean it in a materialistic way. The fact that my husband being selfish/controlling with money made me feel he is not willing to connect with me, or he doesn't trust me. Maybe I'm just over thinking. I don't know if the expectation is unrealistic, in my culture once we get married "yours is mine", but in his culture people tend to be more independent (I'm asian, he is european). I talked to my husband that I thought he might be financial abusive toward me and he said sorry for making me feel that way. So I guess sometime people just did things without realizing how bad it could hurt other emotionally. Link to post Share on other sites
AMarriedMan Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 I married to a guy who earns 4 times as mine. He works shorter hours, relaxed work, well paid, and even receive some allowance for renting (very lucky guy). He rent a nice place, spend lot of his money on his hobby (musical stuffs), eat expensive foods and regularly eat out with his friends. I was well-aware of my finance, so I rarely joined them. Before our marriage, he told me cuz he earned much more than me, he would take care of the rent and foods, I could keep my money for my self and pay for utilities. I of course, still go to market and buy my foods most of the time because my diet is very simple (mainly veggie) and because he only buy enough groceries to cook if he ate at home - as I said, he eat out and drinking with friends a lot. The first rent after the marriage, he asked me "who pay for the rent?", and I just replied gently "you". He has lived in this place long time before I moved in. And then he started to asked me "so I pay for rent, you pay for foods". I can't afford his 'you pay for foods", if we eat out, i would cost my bi-weekly paycheck, and if not, he orders Japanese foods cuz he loves to 'enjoy life". And as I said, I normally cook and eat alone - mostly veggies and fruits. He didn't like the foods I cooked at all so he wouldn't eat if I cook. So I say "let combine all our earning together, and then we can use those money to pay for all the expenses, and save together" And he was like "No way, I earn way more than you". And then I say "but it's fair, I contribute all I earn too". He told me "Fair for you, not for me", so it seems like he want me to contribute same amount as him, regardless of what we earn, regardless of our different lifestyles. I'm not sure if I seems greedy to him, or he is being selfish. How do you solve your budget question in your marriage? Your husband's problem is that he signed the marriage contract without realizing that in doing so he already committed his resources to the welfare of you and your future children. How long have you been married? Based on the fact that you have no children and seem quite young, not many years, yet. Depending on how many years you have been married, he might actually owe you quite a bit in alimony in case you divorced, assuming you have no prenup. Ask a lawyer who knows the laws in your local jurisdiction in detail. Men are stupid if they marry down financially and assume they can maintain a lifestyle or a rate of annual savings they were accustomed to when single. (Women rarely marry down financially.) It is a highly unnatural situation for a family to have financially unequal spouses, having two different standards of living. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Your husband's problem is that he signed the marriage contract without realizing that in doing so he already committed his resources to the welfare of you and your future children. How long have you been married? Based on the fact that you have no children and seem quite young, not many years, yet. Depending on how many years you have been married, he might actually owe you quite a bit in alimony in case you divorced, assuming you have no prenup. Ask a lawyer who knows the laws in your local jurisdiction in detail. Men are stupid if they marry down financially and assume they can maintain a lifestyle or a rate of annual savings they were accustomed to when single. (Women rarely marry down financially.) It is a highly unnatural situation for a family to have financially unequal spouses, having two different standards of living. I understand being financially smart but if one is worried about marrying "financially beneath" them...that's probably a person that shouldn't get married. My H & I were extremely young when married, I became extremely ill after our first child & welcomed hundreds of thousands in medical debt. Had he married me for finances over love, well how that would have bit him in the butt! We were both financially coming when married & that went away, beyond out control real quick. One thing to be responsible, it's another to look at only money... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 I understand being financially smart but if one is worried about marrying "financially beneath" them...that's probably a person that shouldn't get married. My H & I were extremely young when married, I became extremely ill after our first child & welcomed hundreds of thousands in medical debt. Had he married me for finances over love, well how that would have bit him in the butt! We were both financially coming when married & that went away, beyond out control real quick. One thing to be responsible, it's another to look at only money... I agree. I guess technically I "married down" financially since he was carrying substantial debt from his previous marriage, child support, alimony, etc. My gross was a little more but my take home has been significantly more. We have even discussed him being a stay at home. Good thing I didn't marry him for his money. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Thanks for all of your advice, I really appreciate them. And sorry for my bad English for it's not my native language About the fact that I didn't bring my money, when we traveled we used money from out joint-account, I often lose things, so I prefer not to bring credit cards or any important things with us. Some asked me how I could give money to people but couldn't buy myself a chocolate bar. The money I gave to people, it was my own savings, and I have and spend my own money which my husband doesn't interfere. He doesn't like the idea though, he thinks it's not the wise way to spend money. He has his point. So "buying chocolate bar" problem could be solved by next time I should remember to bring some money with me, but what I expect may be a little bit more. I expect my husband to be more giving, and to be willing to share with me anything. I do not mean it in a materialistic way. The fact that my husband being selfish/controlling with money made me feel he is not willing to connect with me, or he doesn't trust me. Maybe I'm just over thinking. I don't know if the expectation is unrealistic, in my culture once we get married "yours is mine", but in his culture people tend to be more independent (I'm asian, he is european). I'm Asian as well. Yes, I understand the sentiment, and when the SO and I travel we usually just withdraw from one account as well, just to avoid the extra withdrawal fee - he withdraws and passes me roughly half of the amount. Thing is, IF he does not do that, I wouldn't sit around asking him for pocket change. Asian or not, that's just a terrible idea all around. I would simply withdraw my own cash (and have, on occasion). Regardless of what you choose to do with your marriage, be it stay or leave, you need to be more independent than that. "I always lose my cards" is not an excuse - figure out a way to reduce the risks of losing them. By not taking responsibility for your own self, you are simply encouraging this dynamic. You already know he is controlling, why would you respond to that by trying to give him MORE control? This sort of behavior is a double whammy - not only does it contribute to the skewed dynamic in your relationship, it also makes you more attractive to controlling men and less attractive to healthy men. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Our contributions to the household are based on the percentage of total household income we provide, with a slight wrinkle... Each of us gets a personal spending allowance based on our percentage contribution to overall household income; everything else is pooled in joint accounts. All household and a few personal (for example work clothing, supplies) expenses are paid from the joint accounts. Our personal funds can be spent on anything we want without the others approval. Any joint fund expenditures have to be approved by both of us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Regardless of what you choose to do with your marriage, be it stay or leave, you need to be more independent than that. "I always lose my cards" is not an excuse - figure out a way to reduce the risks of losing them. By not taking responsibility for your own self, you are simply encouraging this dynamic. You already know he is controlling, why would you respond to that by trying to give him MORE control? This sort of behavior is a double whammy - not only does it contribute to the skewed dynamic in your relationship, it also makes you more attractive to controlling men and less attractive to healthy men. amazingdrummer, hope you don't gloss over this very good advice. Just as you're going to assume your husband treats all income as pooled, he's going to expect you'll be responsible with your portion. You might have to rethink some habits and lending philosophies... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author amazingdrummer Posted February 8, 2017 Author Share Posted February 8, 2017 I'm Asian as well. Yes, I understand the sentiment, and when the SO and I travel we usually just withdraw from one account as well, just to avoid the extra withdrawal fee - he withdraws and passes me roughly half of the amount. Thing is, IF he does not do that, I wouldn't sit around asking him for pocket change. Asian or not, that's just a terrible idea all around. I would simply withdraw my own cash (and have, on occasion). Regardless of what you choose to do with your marriage, be it stay or leave, you need to be more independent than that. "I always lose my cards" is not an excuse - figure out a way to reduce the risks of losing them. By not taking responsibility for your own self, you are simply encouraging this dynamic. You already know he is controlling, why would you respond to that by trying to give him MORE control? This sort of behavior is a double whammy - not only does it contribute to the skewed dynamic in your relationship, it also makes you more attractive to controlling men and less attractive to healthy men. Thank you, it gave me a lot to think about. I know my H is a nice person, and yes my response might be the reason to enable his attitude. As one poster suggested, I believed he hasn't "get used" to marriage life yet. But I know he will listen if I try to talk, but talking is my problem. I will just tolerate until I get flustrated, then I turn on my silent treatment instead of calmly explaining to him my feelings. It's not what I wants or I dont do it on purpose, I'm working on myself. I love my husband and I won't give up on marriage for something we still can fix. It's so grateful that members of this forum for helping me to see my problem with broader view 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Uhm.....there's no way to say this nicely - but I will try. You are an adult. You are a grown married woman. You can either act like an adult or act like someone who "tends to lose things". Do you carry a purse? Do you carry a cell phone? I'd be frustrated and having to micromanage a spouse who can keep track of $20 in a wallet or purse. This is part of self government. Do you want a husband or a daddy? Link to post Share on other sites
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