understand50 Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 amazingdrummer, Your marriage is not going to last long, with this smoldering. Your husband, needs to understand, that marriage calls for a partnership. He married you because, I hope he loved you and wanted a family. What you bring to the marriage, should not be a 50% 50% propitiation. He sounds like he is really not ready for marriage, and may never be. At some time if you have a child, and you find that all your income is going to child care so you can work, the solution, may be to you to stay at home. Or maybe, because of the child health, you have too. Then what? He needs a real eye opening lesson, in real life. Money, is the first biggest cause of marriages breaking up, and can cause just as much pain and hurt as infidelity. This need to be worked out. My only suggestion is budgeting, and a JOINT account, with allowances for both of you. We audit each month to make sure we are on track and the bills are paid, and our joint goals are being worked on. Partnership in marriage is a must, and if not, why marry? I wish you luck..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 OP just be firm on this. Here is an approach... have three new systems in mind. The one you think is best, and a more compromising version. Lastly a "I'll be able to go on if you at least do this" system. That last one you keep in your back pocket and don't reveal it. It's a last resort option, but you know it's there in case you need to use it. Then sit him down and flat out tell him your current system simply isn't working for you anymore and present him with options one and two and tell him these are the options, we are changing our system. Be firm. Don't give in. Those are his only two options, but you are also giving him some control in the situation by presenting options. Tell him, you pick one, we stick with it for a year, no complaints. At the end of a year, we can revisit it or tweak it or scrap it for a new system, or keep this one if its working. It might be a week long fight, who cares. Stand your ground. Don't give in to your last resort option. The goal is to not have to use it in the first place, nor let your partner know it's on the table. Its just for you to know it's there to help with your resolve while you stand your ground with options 1&2. But if push comes to shove and that is the ONLY way to get a little compromise you can live with, then option 3 can be pulled out of your pocket. LAST RESORT! If option 3 isn't enough, time to reconsider the marriage as it shows you have a partner incapable of compromise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 I'm a stay at home mom. By your husband's rules, I wouldn't be allowed to eat, let alone buy clothes for myself. He sounds very self-absorbed. My husband has trouble with that too. Like you, I appreciate the small gestures and wind up convincing myself that they mean that the big problems aren't really problems. But they are. Figure all of this stuff out now before you get set in unfair patterns that you can't change. I think the only reason we never had the problem you're describing is that I made more money and had a nest egg when we got married. I paid off his credit card debt when we got married because I considered it our debt. I bought our first condo. I paid more of the bills. So now that he makes a lot more money than I ever made, I don't feel like I need to fall over myself in gratitude. We're a team. It's OURS. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 I read a thread like this, and I think, what was the point of getting married in the first place for you guys? You aren't roommates, you are spouses. I can't tell you how to set your budget, but you can't be in a marriage with different classes of people. Your husband can't be eating luxury food, and you discount food, that is the most insane thing I've ever heard. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 In the end, we decided that we would each keep a roughly equal amount of "mad money" (personal money we keep for ourselves) and throw the remainder into a family pool out of which we pay all of our bills. It has worked out well for us. We both like the idea of having our own personal money so that we can buy things we desire without having to ask the other. And yet, the shared pool covers all of our expenses and creates a large shared savings pool with which we plan the big purchases together. When you have a large difference (4:1) I think this is the only fair way to make it work. Otherwise you have a marriage with the two individuals living drastically different lifestyles; one having plenty of money to blow and the other scraping to get by. All of the choices will lie with the one making more money. It's not realistic for most couples, and resentment is bound to result. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 When you have a large difference (4:1) I think this is the only fair way to make it work. Otherwise you have a marriage with the two individuals living drastically different lifestyles; one having plenty of money to blow and the other scraping to get by. All of the choices will lie with the one making more money. It's not realistic for most couples, and resentment is bound to result. What you think is fair doesn't mean it is for everyone. The OP's husband might compromise in other aspects of their marriage with ease and without hesitation. This is where I think people are blowing up a bit. "He sounds controlling" well is he controlling in all aspects OP or just this one right now? Not saying what you suggest won't work for them, but there isn't a set system that works for x+y income. It's going to highly depend on the individual. JA's and Mrs JA's system wouldn't work for everyone in their economic situation, but it doesn't have to either. As long as you find something that works. Even if only temporary, it can be a fluid issue. Find a sweet spot, or realize you might be the kind of couple that needs to shake it up a bit now and again. I used to think "man my wife is so controlling" but if I really think about it we both have compromised a TON! This is an issue that for us has been fluid, and can be for a lot of people. Just as our incomes have been fluid and home/work responsibilities with that. That's ok, as long as you both work to resolve the issue. Sometimes that involves a near martial law approach. With the illusion of options given. The only real option is we need to change this, cause this isn't working for me. We've had this talk from both sides about money before. Maybe we found our sweet spot now, maybe not who knows... this has never been that hard of a fight in retrospect. Even though we've been through it quite a few times. Haha. It's over fairly quickly and we are good in that area again... for a while anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 Anyway, we will sit down tonight and I will try to have a proper talk with him about money. As I said, I'm bad at communicating, so maybe I haven't expressed myself and my thoughts clearly enough for him to understand my situation and expectation. I don't think you're bad at communicating. Communication isn't the problem. The problem is your values are different. He knows exactly what you want because he lied to you before marrying--he told you what he knew you wanted to hear. He understands you...he just doesn't agree with you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author amazingdrummer Posted March 18, 2016 Author Share Posted March 18, 2016 It's...beyond my expectation. After a few day asking my hubby to sit down for finance, he sat down with me, and he suggested again that he would cover all cost (rents, foods, bills) while I should keep my money for saving and allowance. I didn't agree and suggested that I'd contribute 2/3 of my income to help pay for foods and bills. We agreed on it :D:D thank you LS friends for your supporting, I'm very happy to see that my hubby - who might be selfish sometime - can also compromise to stay with me as a team. I also prepare a written agreement to avoid him changing his decision again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 It's...beyond my expectation. After a few day asking my hubby to sit down for finance, he sat down with me, and he suggested again that he would cover all cost (rents, foods, bills) while I should keep my money for saving and allowance. I didn't agree and suggested that I'd contribute 2/3 of my income to help pay for foods and bills. Why on earth did you do that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 Why on earth did you do that? Perhaps she feels that it's fair to contribute substantially, yet still have some autonomy and a bit of discretionary bucks to spend? Link to post Share on other sites
DivorcedDad123 Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 I guarantee that if you were getting divorced OP, the women on the forum would be touting how you're entitled to half of everything. Funny how you're not supposed to contribute half though. Its not your husbands fault that you make less than he does and it sounds as though you're already resentful of his cushy, high paying job that you're benefitting from. Another reason I'll never marry again. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 20, 2016 Share Posted March 20, 2016 We initially had a difference of opinion about money because my husband and I make different amounts (I make a little more). I was all for combined income but my husband wanted us to each contribute the same amount as he felt like he was taking advantage of me if we just threw our checks into the same account. In the end, we decided that we would each keep a roughly equal amount of "mad money" (personal money we keep for ourselves) and throw the remainder into a family pool out of which we pay all of our bills. It has worked out well for us. We both like the idea of having our own personal money so that we can buy things we desire without having to ask the other. And yet, the shared pool covers all of our expenses and creates a large shared savings pool with which we plan the big purchases together. That does sound fair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amazingdrummer Posted March 20, 2016 Author Share Posted March 20, 2016 I guarantee that if you were getting divorced OP, the women on the forum would be touting how you're entitled to half of everything. Funny how you're not supposed to contribute half though. Its not your husbands fault that you make less than he does and it sounds as though you're already resentful of his cushy, high paying job that you're benefitting from. Another reason I'll never marry again. Thanks, we worked it out. And I prefer to keep my possitive view on marriage Link to post Share on other sites
MBWoodard Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 My husband and I sat down and detailed all the bills we each had and how much it costs for keep the house running. When we did this we too things like our health insurance, the car and insurance into account. When we worked it up, it was decided that I would continue paying the monthly bills for the house, that he would contribute roughly $100 a week for that, and that we would alternate grocery shopping. There was a while when he was slacking, not giving me his portion and making me spend considerably more on groceries. When we were having this problem I addressed it by explaining how the little bit of extra took away the things I do just for me, getting a hair cut every 2 months. Occasionally buying a shirt, or a pair of pants. (I don't shop much) but i did show him how I had clothing that was wearing out and needed to be replaced, yet due to his expectations I would cover everything I couldn't even muster up $30 in a 2 month period. Well, that part worked. As for the groceries, we each have specific things that we want for lunch. We each pay for our own lunch stuffs. We each take turns on the rest of the groceries and incidentals. I can ask him to pick up pet food, on his way home, but I immediately give him money for it. The pets were mine well before he came into the picture. For you and your husband, work with only the meals you share. If you both go out, then you can pick it up. If only he goes, then he should cover himself. For lunches at work, buy your food. For meals you don't share buy your food. Or, you could offer instead to pay the utilities. For us cable electric and gas is around $300 a month. (That's where I came up with his weekly payment amount) your husband may have a more expensive TV package. We don't. I understand the theory of him providing, but you really do need to chip in somewhere. Otherwise there is resentment. Link to post Share on other sites
RedPressST Posted March 23, 2016 Share Posted March 23, 2016 I'm glad the OP found a way that works for her and her spouse. My wife and I came from very different backgrounds financially, and I had been on my own since 17 support in myself, filing taxes, etc. My wife had never been the primary on any bills, rent, etc and lacked understanding of budgeting beyond "I have $xx until payday and need gas." I make roughly four times what she makes per year. I helped her sign up for her first checking and savings accounts, put her in a "credit builder" program at a credit union, and helped her figure our a few budgeting tricks. We now have separate checking, separate savings, joint savings, joint checking, and a joint credit card. We show each other our separate account balances when budgeting for larger purchases, and can freely transfer money to each other and our joints accounts with a simple phone app. When we first got together, I thought money would be an issue because she didn't understand bills, budgets, credit. Etc... But with a couple free community classes and a lot of communicating, we got through it and work together beautifully. Our bills have always been roughly percentage-based. I make 80%, I pay 80%. This allows us to have money to spend on each other or others, but cover all our bills, monthly investments, etc. It's about communication, openness, and trust. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author amazingdrummer Posted February 2, 2017 Author Share Posted February 2, 2017 So my husband and I have been married for nearly 2 years. He is a nice person and the only trouble we have is money. I have a job I love with modest income, but I love to share, so I can give/lend ppl money if I think they really need it even when I know they cant payback. It might not a wise thing, but since I am not a big spender, I never have money problem. My husband earns very good money, so we lucky enough to have quite pleasant life, having holidays abroad every year. Although he is lovely, every now and then he will act not very nicely toward me. We have a joint account for groceries, and I am the main person doing groceries shopping. So my husband asked me to write down everything I spent with those money. At first, I didn't have problem for I thought it helped us to do the budget better. But when I reminded him to write down the spending, he told me that the money was his (he contributed a larger porpotion) so he didn't have to, and writting down spendings was just for me so he knew what I did with the money. I was disappointed with his answer. When we went abroad for holidays, he was the one to keep moneys. He did take us to nice restaurants, visit nice place...but he insisted on not letting me access money (cash, credit cards) so I would have to ask him even if I want to buy a bottle of water or a bar of chocolate (and he often said no). It's annoying and I didn't like it at all. But my husband thought there was no problem at all that he controlled the money because him "more money-wise, more careful, physically stronger". I'm flustrated, I'm not sure what his problem is or there is anything wrong with me that makes him acts that way Link to post Share on other sites
AngryGromit Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 He sounds like he's a bit controlling, the sooner you put a stop to this the better. If allowed to go unchecked before you know it he will be telling you what you can wear and who you can or can not see. One way to do this is, if he's keeping his finances separate, then there no reason why you can't do the same. You pay for groceries from your account, no more joint accounts. On the other hand, some would say this isn't a true marriage, your suppose to share everything, including money, All the money should be deposited into a joint account and you both have equal access to it. So long as neither one of you do something foolish like get involved in gambling or charge up credit cards to unmanageable debt levels. I could see if you got yourself in credit card debt where he had to bail you out, he has cause want to manage your money better. But to deny you even pocket money to buy water or a candy bar has future controlling bastard written all over it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Johnsmith1003 Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 He's being controlling because he may feel as a man its his right (also BS). Let him know this is not ok and it makes you upset. Marriage is 50/50 so you have the right as much as him on financial decisions. Confront it before it gets too big. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 (edited) A bit controlling? Very controlling He wouldn't allow you to buy a bottle of water or a chocolate bar? You are a grown woman, with her own income, and he is treating you like a child. For me, this wouldn't fly for a moment. My husband and I both work, I make about 50% more than he does. Neither of us controls the other like you have described. Large purchases are mutually agreed upon, otherwise we are both given the freedoms and responsibilities of an adult. Does he not trust you to buy a chocolate bar? Does he think you are like a child and do not know how to make choices? Different strokes for different folks I suppose, but this would not fly for me. Edited February 2, 2017 by RecentChange 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 But my husband thought there was no problem at all that he controlled the money because him "more money-wise, more careful, physically stronger". Be hard to blame you if you decided to control something else in the relationship ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 Was he like this while you dated him? You're allowed to express your displeasure with the way he handles the money issues. You're allowed to change the rules. If he doesn't like you having an opinion and a voice you're also allowed to divorce him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cumberdale Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 Be hard to blame you if you decided to control something else in the relationship ... Mr. Lucky So you recommend that denial of sex might be her first step to improving their marriage...? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyana76 Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 There is a such thing as Financial abuse. My ex husband was much this way. He had a bank account for HIS money, we had a joint bank account. All my money went into the joint, to pay for everything, he put his money in his account and I would have to beg him for funds to help pay the bills. Sometimes my kids and I went without basic needs because he wouldn't pitch in. It's a horrible situation to be in, I wouldn't tolerate it one minute. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 Hi Amazing, it seems that you are from a European nation since your English is a bit stilted. If that be the case, and I may be wrong, then maybe the culture in your society promotes this type of control by a man over his wife. How did you meet up with your husband and what did you find attractive about him which made you want to marry him? Was yours a love marriage or was it arranged in which case some things would begin to be clear. Also, is there a big age difference between you two? Maybe he has found out about your charitable deeds and thinks that if you have free access to money you might blow up money which is from the joint pool. I am not defending your husband. I am just trying to fathom the reasons why he is behaving the way he is. As others have said he is definitely controlling and that too , to and excessive degree. Looks to me that the dynamics of your marriage are unhealthy and if, within such a short time of being married , he is behaving in this way there is a huge amount of heartache for you in the future. If you can do so easily, I would think you should get your marriage annulled or divorce if that is not possible and move on with your life. Find someone more compassionate and compatible for yourself and live a happy life. What religion do you belong to as maybe some religions will limit your scope for pulling the plug on your marriage and only your husband may have that freedom of action. See the best you can do for yourself and just do it. Warm wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 So you recommend that denial of sex might be her first step to improving their marriage...? I think we have to live in the real world. Don't know how motivated I'd be to sleep with someone who had so little respect for me... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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