Tormented after affair ended... !

March 9, 2016

Much easier said than done. For me knowing she was willing to step into my role - one I'd been working on, businesses built, homes, etc - and I didn't know her or about her - it's rattling. She's not younger, or successful or attractive, she lives the lower middle life my wh and I grew up in and out of, through a ton of education and hard work. We built this life and employ hundreds of people as a result, so imagining someone eating off my dishes in my house - well, try to put yourself there. I was torn between terror and rage. And shock. I just never imagined it. As for her having him - trust me, he doesn't always feel like a prize. Plus she never imagined she was participating in a game at all, she was led to believe she was in a marriage. So many levels of betrayal and awe.

March 9, 2016

I hear you loud and clear. I can't imagine what she thinks of me... I'm sure I wouldn't want to know. I'm just hoping she doesn't snap or something. It concerns me but I guess I just need to be vigilant. I never went to her house and she asked, thankfully he didn't have to lie about that one. I think hurting her will haunt me my entire life. So many people hate the BS but I never did- not even in the height of my A. I guess I knew he prioritized me, he even spent her 50th birthday with me and she was never a threat... But man was I wrong. Still doesn't change my feelings for her. She didn't do anything to me (yet).

March 9, 2016

What kept me from exacting any sort of perceived revenge was simple: my kids deserved 2 adults behaving morally and in their best interest, now they only had one. If I went coconuts they'd have no adults to respect or lean on. That respect tastes a lot better than any shaming of her I could have done. It also has lasted longer - same reason I did not venture to the dark side and have an affair myself. I can't imagine Feeling better than knowing my kids are looking to me for my reactions and that don't regret or cringe at anything I've done. It would have been fleeting. Plus she's screwing up someone else's marriage now, and I can hope the next bw won't think it through as much as I did. But I moved 1000 miles away and it helps.

March 9, 2016

Many BS do this as do OW. I think it is curiousity, some keeping tabs.

I have to admit even 1-1/2 years from my False R I will sometimes look at Mow's social media. Some curiosity some is keeping tabs. I shouldn't do that because it hurts me every time and brings me back. NC= No new hurts, this can apply to BS's too.

March 9, 2016

Thanks Ladies- I'm in NC so it's kind of like being kicked- I'm trying so hard to be strong and she pops up out of nowhere. I want to tell her it's not helping either of us and for her to spend her energy focusing on her marriage. But I guess that wouldn't be very wise.

March 9, 2016

I'm taking one day at a time regarding my marriage. My husband knows I'm very unhappy and in therapy and is trying to be supportive. However, to be honest- I decided on this affair because my husband decided sex was not important in a marriage. We spent endless hours and years arguing about it and we would go months without anything. He is loving, respectful, caring - but he just doesn't really think sex is that important. We come from different cultures and countries and I thought I could be ok with his low to no sex drive, but as the years past and I discovered we were glorified roommates, I realized I needed it- which caused me to seek it outside of the marriage.

So, I have some big decisions to make. He's a wonderful person that would be great to grow old with if I didn't care about sex- but I obviously do. We have fun together, a lot in common and I love him but I need to decide if love is enough. Can I accept that I can't change him. So, one day at a time- one foot in front of another. That's where I am.

This is another thing we have in common. I've been in a sexless marrage for years. It's just not important to my husband. We are separated for 6 months now and I miss him and he wants to work things out but if it was non existent to begin with how do you fix that? And is it shallow of me that it's so important to me!?? I'm so hurt and resentful of being alone with no sex or cuddling or affection for years that I can't get past it. He still doesn't understand. Sometimes I think I'm selfish also cause when I think of staying with my husband it's because I think I'm afraid I'll never meet anyone and be alone forever. But I think it's also selfish of him that he knows it's important to me yet doesn't address this issue! We've been to therapists and he has been to doctors...I think the problem is that he just isn't interested...and like you, I'm a nice attractive woman and I take care of myself...it's hurtful and I'm resentful that I finally found passion also in my forties that taught me what I want in a relationship but never had with my husband....it's sad.... I'm not sure what to do?

March 9, 2016

Midwestmissy,

You make some good points, but I think you are viewing my situation as though I am your husband, and through the lens of your past issues. There is a lot of anger in your post. If it makes you feel better to take it out on me fine, but you need to resolve some things still.

I have asked my wife what her needs are and I have worked hard to meet them. She is very happy the way things are, but I am not. She wants to sit and watch reality TV, and spend hours on the internet. I don't want to do that. I am in the best physical shape of my life at 48, and I have a lot of life left ahead of me, I am not ready to die a slow death on the sofa. My needs are not being met, and she has no desire to do work on them. It's taken me 48 years to realize that it's ok for me to have needs too.

I couldn't care less about what any other parent thinks of me in your example of soccer games. I have tried to fix this, and it hasn't worked. And please don't throw out the "Real Man" label.

And the woman i was talking with did just that, she is breaking it off because I am "untouchable" i.e. not divorced. Did you not read that? Anyway please save your judgment for yourself. Thanks.

I agree....

March 9, 2016

This is another thing we have in common. I've been in a sexless marrage for years. It's just not important to my husband. We are separated for 6 months now and I miss him and he wants to work things out but if it was non existent to begin with how do you fix that? And is it shallow of me that it's so important to me!?? I'm so hurt and resentful of being alone with no sex or cuddling or affection for years that I can't get past it. He still doesn't understand. Sometimes I think I'm selfish also cause when I think of staying with my husband it's because I think I'm afraid I'll never meet anyone and be alone forever. But I think it's also selfish of him that he knows it's important to me yet doesn't address this issue! We've been to therapists and he has been to doctors...I think the problem is that he just isn't interested...and like you, I'm a nice attractive woman and I take care of myself...it's hurtful and I'm resentful that I finally found passion also in my forties that taught me what I want in a relationship but never had with my husband....it's sad.... I'm not sure what to do?

I couldn't have said it any better- the situation (minus the 6month separation) is identical. I Find myself so angry at women (even my gf's) that reject their husband's advances and I could never understand it. I use to (and still do, actually) think my AP wife was crazy for not wanting him. I wanted to shake her and say "do you not realize what you have?!". I sometimes wish I never experienced what I did with my AP because I feel it's damaged me and my future. I now know what it could and should be like- I will never have that with my H but in all honesty, I don't know if I would ever find it again even if I left him. I guess I should feel fortunate I got to experience it whereas some go their entire life never feeling what I did. I do agree... It is sad. I know some will say- of course it's out there- but prior to my husband and my ex, with all my experiences, I never ever felt anything even close.

March 9, 2016

I couldn't have said it any better- the situation (minus the 6month separation) is identical. I Find myself so angry at women (even my gf's) that reject their husband's advances and I could never understand it. I use to (and still do, actually) think my AP wife was crazy for not wanting him. I wanted to shake her and say "do you not realize what you have?!". I sometimes wish I never experienced what I did with my AP because I feel it's damaged me and my future. I now know what it could and should be like- I will never have that with my H but in all honesty, I don't know if I would ever find it again even if I left him. I guess I should feel fortunate I got to experience it whereas some go their entire life never feeling what I did. I do agree... It is sad. I know some will say- of course it's out there- but prior to my husband and my ex, with all my experiences, I never ever felt anything even close.

I agree. But I do think that it's out there...there are a lot of divorced and separated men in the same situation. I too am terrified iwill never feel what I felt with him. But I think part of it is that it's forbidden...I just can't imagine staying with my husband cause I've given up and then denying myself even a shot at happiness...sometimes I feel I'd rather be alone than sitting at night watching television with him, and wondering why we aren't connecting on that level. I miss what I had with mm but I ended it w him because I just couldn't do it anymore. I want someone for me! Pm me if you want to talk more because our situations are identical...

March 9, 2016

Thank you for sharing your experience and healing journey. I do agree, we need to do this for us- no one is going to do it for us! You sound like you are moving forward on your journey and that gives me hope that it will get brighter. Thank you!

I am and I'm not at the same time. Everyday I wake up and make a conscious decision to get through the day. I don't even know if I'm hurt anymore as much as angry. Mm still was contacting me on and off throughout this year with words of love and promises to change and make headway in his life... Then overnight he ghosts me.... Then five days

After he wants to see me and we go round and round till i got off.... My hair started falling out and I've lost weight and I'm nervous a lot.... But I know even though I still love him and care, he isn't good for me. I'd always be nervous that he would disappear, he taught me much about love and passion but he also taught me to not trust and be cautious....

I still love him and miss who I thought he was....

March 9, 2016

Physical contact and the connection that it gives people is a basic human need. Period. Our sex life never stopped during the affair but there was a distance, coldness and feeling of discard that fell over me. I actually started volunteering at a soup kitchen at the time because I needed to be around peoplevwho needed what I needed - of all the places one could volunteer in a huge city, that's what I gravitated towards. People who were ignored and avoided on the street. Hmmm.

It was the loneliest time of my life. It lasted about 6 months but I saw a lawyer to start the separation process. I thought I was revolting to him and figured we should split. He thought he was compartmentalizing very well, but no.

To have that missing and not seeing an end to it - I couldn't last. Do you guys know what the issue is with these men? Why they're ok with this existence?

March 10, 2016

I use to (and still do, actually) think my AP wife was crazy for not wanting him. I wanted to shake her and say "do you not realize what you have?!".

i feel the same about my current partner's X! when we're in love -- that person seems AMAZING! and we can't understand why everyone else isn't as obsessed with this person as we are.

BUT -- different people, different relationship dynamic. just because he was fantastic to YOU... it does not mean that he was fantastic to her, too. there are always deeper reasons hiding behind rejecting sex and affection -- no one really does it out of malice or spite. it's usually just a consequence of partners emotionally checking out.

that being said... something to help you heal: i don't think your emotions were fake. i don't think his emotions were fake. BUT -- the passion was alive probably because it was the affair; the affair usually has a very different dynamic than your normal relationship... so it's easy to keep that flame alive for a long time. also, you're probably idealizing your MM; remember... you were in a sexless marriage, you were THIRSTY for love and affection... try to think about your affair in that direction. try to... tone it down a little bit, look at the relationship from a more realistic side.

I now know what it could and should be like- I will never have that with my H but in all honesty, I don't know if I would ever find it again even if I left him.

well... think of it this way - you most definitely WON'T find it if you stay with your husband. you need to decide what is important to you -- what is LIFE about to you. don't spend your precious years in a sexless marriage. sexless marriage is one of the WORST, like it really cannot get WORSE than that (abuse excluded). so why pleasure yourself with something so awful?

hell, at least SINGLE you'll find someone to have sex with. that's AT START better than your marriage. think about it.

March 10, 2016

My lover was never cold either. I wish he was. He's just VERY YOUNG

we have to go through the pat and heartache and shock that they don't feel what we feel. It sucks

I still see my lover. Everytime I fear it's the last. I know it should be.

Stay strong

March 10, 2016

I am and I'm not at the same time. Everyday I wake up and make a conscious decision to get through the day. I don't even know if I'm hurt anymore as much as angry. Mm still was contacting me on and off throughout this year with words of love and promises to change and make headway in his life... Then overnight he ghosts me.... Then five days
After he wants to see me and we go round and round till i got off.... My hair started falling out and I've lost weight and I'm nervous a lot.... But I know even though I still love him and care, he isn't good for me. I'd always be nervous that he would disappear, he taught me much about love and passion but he also taught me to not trust and be cautious....
I still love him and miss who I thought he was....

I knew I couldn't do it anymore either... I just hit a brick wall emotionally and I was so sick of feeling the way I did. I was attached to my phone, waiting and hoping and when a text would come thru or a call, I remember feeling like I won the lottery. But those feelings were fleeting.. Off he would go back to his life and I would resume position waiting until for the next time. What type of life is that. This was post d-day of course... Prior I heard from him from the moment my eyes opened until they closed. While I'm still incredibly sad and angry, there is some calmness sneaking into my life now - I can finally walk away from my phone and enjoy the small moments of my life - progress!

March 10, 2016

i feel the same about my current partner's X! when we're in love -- that person seems AMAZING! and we can't understand why everyone else isn't as obsessed with this person as we are.

BUT -- different people, different relationship dynamic. just because he was fantastic to YOU... it does not mean that he was fantastic to her, too. there are always deeper reasons hiding behind rejecting sex and affection -- no one really does it out of malice or spite. it's usually just a consequence of partners emotionally checking out.

that being said... something to help you heal: i don't think your emotions were fake. i don't think his emotions were fake. BUT -- the passion was alive probably because it was the affair; the affair usually has a very different dynamic than your normal relationship... so it's easy to keep that flame alive for a long time. also, you're probably idealizing your MM; remember... you were in a sexless marriage, you were THIRSTY for love and affection... try to think about your affair in that direction. try to... tone it down a little bit, look at the relationship from a more realistic side.

well... think of it this way - you most definitely WON'T find it if you stay with your husband. you need to decide what is important to you -- what is LIFE about to you. don't spend your precious years in a sexless marriage. sexless marriage is one of the WORST, like it really cannot get WORSE than that (abuse excluded). so why pleasure yourself with something so awful?

hell, at least SINGLE you'll find someone to have sex with. that's AT START better than your marriage. think about it.

I so wish it could be so easy to just walk out of my marriage but it's not. 14 years together, 10 married... And the worse thing, he's a wonderful person. Kind, gentle, loving, faithful, smart- he just doesn't like sex. He's 50, I'm 45- so we aren't " young" and in our prime. As I mentioned on a previous post, he's the perfect guy to grow old with - when sex isn't as important but unfortunately, I'm not there yet! So do I walk out of a secure, comfortable marriage in search of a relationship that has it "all" and does that really exist?! Or do I just appreciate all the wonderful things he has to offer and accept that sex is what it is... It's not like he won't do it- but it's nothing like the type of sex I desire.

March 10, 2016

Scorpio16- I does suck... Parting ways and trying to move forward is never easy. However looking back, I wish my xMM just ended it post d-day and didn't give me hope. Now I have more memories to refer back to and even though we only saw each other 4 times, that was 4 incredible, passionate moments I need to grieve on top of the 19 months of memories! Pull off the bandaid- it's going to hurt but the longer you go, the harder the healing journey. Also, try to end it amicably. Dealing with a ghosting or end with no closure will make it even harder. I am soooo thankful I got that- can't even imagine my grief if I didn't.

March 10, 2016

Physical contact and the connection that it gives people is a basic human need. Period. Our sex life never stopped during the affair but there was a distance, coldness and feeling of discard that fell over me. I actually started volunteering at a soup kitchen at the time because I needed to be around peoplevwho needed what I needed - of all the places one could volunteer in a huge city, that's what I gravitated towards. People who were ignored and avoided on the street. Hmmm.

It was the loneliest time of my life. It lasted about 6 months but I saw a lawyer to start the separation process. I thought I was revolting to him and figured we should split. He thought he was compartmentalizing very well, but no.

To have that missing and not seeing an end to it - I couldn't last. Do you guys know what the issue is with these men? Why they're ok with this existence?

Maybe this was why my xMM's wife was so philanthropic ... She was into anything "charity" from what he told me. I can imagine sex between them during our A was probably the same you experienced- He told me he had a hard time getting it up with his wife and if she never asked for it again, he wouldn't mind. He dealt with rejection from her for years and got to the point he stopped asking. He told me if she wanted it, she had to come to him- he was done approaching her and that was how it was for the past few years prior to meeting me. I do know that he started rejecting her when she did occasionally approach him, especially if he knew he was seeing me that week and I'm sure that drew suspicion. I can't imagine the sexual dynamics between them then or even now ... But I guess it's not my problem anymore. He chose her so he needs to figure it out.

March 10, 2016

I guess the thing to remember is these men chose these women, proposed marriage to them, married them, built their lives around them and regardless of what they tell you they do love their wives. Of course if they told you my marriage has hit a rough patch and I love the hell out of my wife but the sex has dropped off, no one would have an affair with them. So instead they tell you all the negative things (some made up) in order to gain sympathy and get sex.

March 10, 2016

I guess the thing to remember is these men chose these women, proposed marriage to them, married them, built their lives around them and regardless of what they tell you they do love their wives. Of course if they told you my marriage has hit a rough patch and I love the hell out of my wife but the sex has dropped off, no one would have an affair with them. So instead they tell you all the negative things (some made up) in order to gain sympathy and get sex.

I'm sure there is some truth to this. But I have witnessed his behavior towards her for almost two years and there was no "love" in his actions or words. It was an arrangement to keep the status quo, avoid financial ruin (2 kids in college) and not disrupt his daughters life. I truly believe post DD he was secretly hoping SHE would end it... As he didn't want to look like the bad guy. Part of me says he went back to "try to make it work" so he can say he tried (and wouldn't look like a complete $&!? after 25 yrs of marriage) although he told me (prior to NC) that he had no plans of going to MC and he just wanted her to move on, stop playing detective and " go back to normal". This told me he has no remorse. His regret is that he got caught. But I believe his conscience told him he had responsibilities to his family and he has to at least "try" so he could live with himself. So yes, our affair was highly sexually charged but I don't always believe he was still deeply in love with his wife and gave me a bunch of lies to just get laid (he's 50, not 25). You see that with flings or one night stands but I have my doubts when it gets into "years"... Just my humble opinion.

March 10, 2016

I knew I couldn't do it anymore either... I just hit a brick wall emotionally and I was so sick of feeling the way I did. I was attached to my phone, waiting and hoping and when a text would come thru or a call, I remember feeling like I won the lottery. But those feelings were fleeting.. Off he would go back to his life and I would resume position waiting until for the next time. What type of life is that. This was post d-day of course... Prior I heard from him from the moment my eyes opened until they closed. While I'm still incredibly sad and angry, there is some calmness sneaking into my life now - I can finally walk away from my phone and enjoy the small moments of my life - progress!

Yes before dday I'd get a good morning beautiful! And then he would text or call alllll day, I don't think I went 1 day in 19 on tha without hearing from him. We would go crazy if we couldn't talk. Then it got to me waiting and checking my phone... It's still hard to this day. It will always be there. He left a mark on my soul that will be there forever. But having him blocked is good for me and it's progress. There is nothing he can offer me...

March 10, 2016

Babs it sounds so conflict avoidant - and lame on his part. If he were miserable, why would he wait for her to make the move? I'm not questioning you btw. And like I told my wh when he said "what about the kids?!?" as I threw his things onto the driveway and told him he was free to go, people get divorced every day and manage the kids. 50% of marriages end! no biggie, we aren't unique, good bye. The kids weren't top of mind when he was lying everyday, so using them as an excuse to not leave just sounds like an excuse. I told him I was going to treasure every moment with the kids since he had been so willing to be with the ow instead of theM. He wouldn't leave! He refused because he didn't want to be free, he wanted to stay in the marriage.

This was my situation and the only one I experienced so I know not applicable to all affairs, but having watched him go from giggling texting teen with her to crying on the front step had as much to do with me as his affair did. It was just about him wanting what he wants. She would have come peeling into the driveway like Andretti if he'd called her, but he never did. He didn't even tell her I'd kicked him out. He called his mother. I laugh now but it was a devastating thing for me and the kids to experience, and every time he spoke during all this, we all winced, because he just kept lying. It was out of control.

March 10, 2016

Babs it sounds so conflict avoidant - and lame on his part. If he were miserable, why would he wait for her to make the move? I'm not questioning you btw. And like I told my wh when he said "what about the kids?!?" as I threw his things onto the driveway and told him he was free to go, people get divorced every day and manage the kids. 50% of marriages end! no biggie, we aren't unique, good bye. The kids weren't top of mind when he was lying everyday, so using them as an excuse to not leave just sounds like an excuse. I told him I was going to treasure every moment with the kids since he had been so willing to be with the ow instead of theM. He wouldn't leave! He refused because he didn't want to be free, he wanted to stay in the marriage.

This was my situation and the only one I experienced so I know not applicable to all affairs, but having watched him go from giggling texting teen with her to crying on the front step had as much to do with me as his affair did. It was just about him wanting what he wants. She would have come peeling into the driveway like Andretti if he'd called her, but he never did. He didn't even tell her I'd kicked him out. He called his mother. I laugh now but it was a devastating thing for me and the kids to experience, and every time he spoke during all this, we all winced, because he just kept lying. It was out of control.

I hear every word you say crystal clear... Which is the exact reason I ended it and went NC (by the way- autocorrect changes NC to anaconda- how appropriate lol) I did forget to add that xMM wife's mother is dying of cancer right now. On DD she texted him in the middle of the night and said... I'm losing my mother and now Ive lost you. No matter what he felt about me or still feels about me, him leaving her right now would be beyond cruel and I think he knew that. Can you imagine the aftermath from his family, her family and his girls if he left her right now. I think part of me let him go so he wouldn't have to make a decision, Part of me is relieved he actually has empathy towards her because at times I wondered and of course the biggest part is that I couldn't handle it anymore and I wasn't willing to sit and wait. I'm not trying to make excuses for him- I do feel rejected and hurt that he went back to "try to fix things" but I also don't think he went back to live happily ever after. Who knows. If he does...I guess I can find comfort in knowing he stuck to his word and letting him go resulted in a good thing.

March 10, 2016

Yes before dday I'd get a good morning beautiful! And then he would text or call alllll day, I don't think I went 1 day in 19 on tha without hearing from him. We would go crazy if we couldn't talk. Then it got to me waiting and checking my phone... It's still hard to this day. It will always be there. He left a mark on my soul that will be there forever. But having him blocked is good for me and it's progress. There is nothing he can offer me...

It is hard... It's also habit. I've been trying to break those habits of checking and I moved icons around on my phone, deleted the instant messaging app we used- all trying to rewire my brain. But I'm with you, he was non-stop until DD. Even after DD he kept in touch to give me updates but then things started changing, communication started getting more sporadic and while he still saw me, sometimes I wouldnt know until 10 min before when he was getting off my exit. It was frustrating. I hated it and grew resentful and angry. I had hoped it was temporary but as weeks passed I realized my new reality. He has also left a mark on my soul. It hurts to have that kind of emotional bond with someone only to have it end so suddenly (even if I ended it). I miss him, his smile and sense of humor, I miss how he would wrap himself up with me and tell me about his day- I miss my pet names and my xxx when he said goodbye. Ahhhhh- I need to stop. NC, NC, NC!!!

March 10, 2016

I'm sure there is some truth to this. But I have witnessed his behavior towards her for almost two years and there was no "love" in his actions or words. It was an arrangement to keep the status quo, avoid financial ruin (2 kids in college) and not disrupt his daughters life. I truly believe post DD he was secretly hoping SHE would end it... As he didn't want to look like the bad guy. Part of me says he went back to "try to make it work" so he can say he tried (and wouldn't look like a complete $&!? after 25 yrs of marriage) although he told me (prior to NC) that he had no plans of going to MC and he just wanted her to move on, stop playing detective and " go back to normal". This told me he has no remorse. His regret is that he got caught. But I believe his conscience told him he had responsibilities to his family and he has to at least "try" so he could live with himself. So yes, our affair was highly sexually charged but I don't always believe he was still deeply in love with his wife and gave me a bunch of lies to just get laid (he's 50, not 25). You see that with flings or one night stands but I have my doubts when it gets into "years"... Just my humble opinion.

Your MM reminds me of my WH unfortunately. MOW said the same that my WH was there for <insert whatever excuse here> in my case she told me he was staying with me because he was afraid I would commit suicide (I had one past attempt). If you were to look at our R during that time, he did show me attention and affection but was not remorseful and took the A underground. Post False R I have asked for a D again and again, but WH keeps sucking me back in saying "he will prove that he can save our M." I'm not holding my breath anymore. I believe the MM loves himself the most and wants everything that he wants. Selfish.

March 10, 2016

Your MM reminds me of my WH unfortunately. MOW said the same that my WH was there for <insert whatever excuse here> in my case she told me he was staying with me because he was afraid I would commit suicide (I had one past attempt). If you were to look at our R during that time, he did show me attention and affection but was not remorseful and took the A underground. Post False R I have asked for a D again and again, but WH keeps sucking me back in saying "he will prove that he can save our M." I'm not holding my breath anymore. I believe the MM loves himself the most and wants everything that he wants. Selfish.

I'm so sorry... It's hard for me to hear from the BS because I have so much guilt in that respect. I'm not that evil OW that most associate with a A. I admit I'm selfish and I was looking out for my need, but I just wanted to feel happy and desired again (although I feel far from that now so my plan obviously failed). I'm sorry your marriage is coming to an end and your husband failed you, but unfortunately relationships end. It happens to everyone. You deserve happiness. I wish you very best and that you find true love again. (Hug)

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