Tormented after affair ended... !

[UnsureHusband]

Dude, you are frustrated. Your wife sounds depressed and not motivated to do much about it, and I have never been in your shoes, but it must be hell.

I'm not miserable, but I do come here to vent. Remember, my life is so fantastic another woman was waiting in the wings to jump into my seat when I got up to get more popcorn.

 

I guess you had the emotional affair and it didn't solve the problem, you feel more pain as a result. You clearly are missing human connection, and that is a huge basic need.

 

I never thought it would solve anything, and this texting relationship morphed into what it became. It never started that way.

 

I saw this thread and replied to Babs just to let her know, that I know, what she is feeling. Right or wrong, this heartbreak hurts.

 

As a result of my comment, I got a public flogging.

[UnsureHusband]

I swear I had to look at your profile and see if you were my OM - everything sounded so familiar....

 

Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone on this journey. It's nice to get a man's perspective. We often think you guys are emotionally void- but it's obvious you have the same challenges.

 

This was my only intent, to let you know you're not alone, and yes, as I man, I know this pain, and it hurts like hell.

 

And thanks for your kind words.

[Babsinhealing]

Its good that you are applying those tools, but I'm not a member of the 'distract yourself so as not to think about it' school.

 

The exception being when you have to really focus on something in your job, etc.

 

 

Here's a snippet from my journal:

 

 

If you had a broken finger, would you try to heal it by not thinking about it?

 

 

Freud and Jung concluded that most mental and emotional pain comes from

 

resistance and conflict

 

 

All you will achieve by trying not to think about this, is the creation of terrific tension in your psyche.

 

The thoughts come, but you try not to think about them = resistance.

 

You try not to think about the thoughts but you do = conflict.

 

Conflict + Resistance = Mental and emotional pain.

 

 

Let the thoughts come and go just like any other thoughts.

 

Let them come, let them go.

 

If you don't, they will slam in hard, at inconvenient times.

 

Let them come, let them go.

 

Gradually the thoughts are drained of energy, and become something of little significance.

 

 

You get what you resist.

 

What you resist persists.

 

 

That might not make sense to you, but it does make sense to me

 

 

Take care.

Thanks Satu,

 

Your words bring me hope! I was distracting because I thought if I allowed myself to think of him, I would stay in that rut forever- never moving forward. I feel like my thoughts are obsessive of him so I was trying to break myself of that. Will it eventually just fade away? I've heard of people pining for their lover years after it ended- this is what I'm trying to avoid at all cost!

[Midwestmissy]

No not flogging!! You've got a chance here that others wish they could have. You've got the chance to do the right thing. No one comes here and says the affair fixed every problem. Nor is anyone discounting the pain you're in - but the emotional affair just delayed dealing with the marriage - even though your wife is not doing anything to help, you are still left with what you had before.

 

I do know that the intimate connection you get from a solid relationship is like a comfy chair. When my wh was cheating, I just had emptiness and questions and lies. He was texting her all day ("it's work") and then mad at me for not enough sexy time. What I would have done for the attention he gave her - I felt like a masturbation tool. And nanny and laundress. If I knew he had loved her, I couldn't give this a shot. But we are trying.

 

Babs do you wish you could have had the mm instead of your marriage? Unsure, do you want to stay married to your wife? I know I love my wh, I have since I was 18, so I'm trying.

[Babsinhealing]

I never thought it would solve anything, and this texting relationship morphed into what it became. It never started that way.

 

I saw this thread and replied to Babs just to let her know, that I know, what she is feeling. Right or wrong, this heartbreak hurts.

 

As a result of my comment, I got a public flogging.

Don't take anything anyone says personally.... Everyone will have different perspectives depending on their own experiences with A. I had some harsh words said to me and it stabs a little but until anyone walks in my shoes- it doesn't matter.. They are just words and opinions. I came on here to vent and heal and try to gain perspective. I can't expect everyone to understand. Feel free to keep writing- I understand your situation and I know how much empathy means when you are hurting.

[Dylon]

It was killing me that I was so suddenly insignificant to him.

 

This is not true based on what you said. He cares for you the same as before but there are other chemicals that floods his mind now, masking the love chemicals he was high on. It's like being run over by a truck on d-day, and there's no ability to get up, and far from being able to carry someone on his back. What is true is that at this moment, he needs his family, the anchor to his daily life, in order to sleep, eat, and function day to day. I've been accused of this too, that I no longer care and she was insignificant after d-day. At that moment of multiple d-days over a year, I was going insane with hair loss, no sleep, and every ounce of my energy trying to fix things on all fronts due to being caring, hurting inside, and all the guilt. I needed to reach out to the OW too. It was my drug fix. She's no less than before. Eventually my body just broke down and I went into depression. The OW guilted me like you wouldn't believe. As I've said, if her thinking was just a bit like yours and said it's time to end this...."go", it would not have taken a year to end the situation with more hurt.

 

You really do need to push him away if he contacts you. My OW pursued me so in my case it was different. She wouldn't give up until she has me and wouldn't take "no" for an answer. However, in your case, you have the clearer head at the moment so you need let him go. It's doing him a favor and doing yourself a big one too! If you love him and he loves you, or whatever you want to call it, end it or everything including his marriage and yours will burn up in smoke at the end. Wish you best of luck. It's only the beginning and I know it's a long road.

[ChickiePops]

I'm taking one day at a time regarding my marriage. My husband knows I'm very unhappy and in therapy and is trying to be supportive. However, to be honest- I decided on this affair because my husband decided sex was not important in a marriage. We spent endless hours and years arguing about it and we would go months without anything. He is loving, respectful, caring - but he just doesn't really think sex is that important. We come from different cultures and countries and I thought I could be ok with his low to no sex drive, but as the years past and I discovered we were glorified roommates, I realized I needed it- which caused me to seek it outside of the marriage.

 

So, I have some big decisions to make. He's a wonderful person that would be great to grow old with if I didn't care about sex- but I obviously do. We have fun together, a lot in common and I love him but I need to decide if love is enough. Can I accept that I can't change him. So, one day at a time- one foot in front of another. That's where I am.

 

So what steps have you taken to communicate how you feel with him?

[Babsinhealing]

No not flogging!! You've got a chance here that others wish they could have. You've got the chance to do the right thing. No one comes here and says the affair fixed every problem. Nor is anyone discounting the pain you're in - but the emotional affair just delayed dealing with the marriage - even though your wife is not doing anything to help, you are still left with what you had before.

 

I do know that the intimate connection you get from a solid relationship is like a comfy chair. When my wh was cheating, I just had emptiness and questions and lies. He was texting her all day ("it's work") and then mad at me for not enough sexy time. What I would have done for the attention he gave her - I felt like a masturbation tool. And nanny and laundress. If I knew he had loved her, I couldn't give this a shot. But we are trying.

 

Babs do you wish you could have had the mm instead of your marriage? Unsure, do you want to stay married to your wife? I know I love my wh, I have since I was 18, so I'm trying.

Midwestmissy- I often thought about what would happen if we left our spouses. I knew the stats were against us for making it work and I also knew it would be a huge challenge to walk into his life post marriage, especially if the family and kids knew I was the OW. So I was acutely aware it would be a significant challenge. However, being with him - the ease, the friendship, comfort, passion - I loved it all. I felt extremely comfortable with him, telling him anything and I knew we could have a great relationship. However, 25 years of marriage isn't easy to walk away from. They met in college, he was her one and only and with 3 kids- sometimes it doesn't matter what you find along the way.... Obviously.

 

I'm sorry you've had to go thru that with your husband. I do feel incredible guilt that I hurt his wife and destroyed her perception of their marriage and it will never be the same. I was direct and cold with her when she texted but inside I wanted to hug her and tell her I never meant to hurt her. I know, that sounds sick but it's true. I'm not a mean person and never experienced anyone hating me like I envision her hating me now.

 

I'm not sure about my marriage but I posted earlier on this in this thread so go back and see where my head is.

[UnsureHusband]

No not flogging!! You've got a chance here that others wish they could have. You've got the chance to do the right thing. .

 

I have always given her attention over the years. One day she told me that I am annoying, so i stopped. I would give her a kiss or a hug when I came home or left. Then was told i am too touchy feely, so I stopped that too.

 

I pretty much do everything for the kids. i would even get up with her when she was breastfeeding, so she would have support, and then let her sleep when we could give them a bottle. To this day, I cook everyone breakfast every morning, and pack everyones lunch during the week. Kids have sports/school event/ need to be run somewhere.. me. Dog needs to go to the vets/groomer... me. We need something from the store... me.

 

I've put little notes in her lunch. complimented her for looking great. Thanked her for being part of my life. None of which was returned.

 

As she turned 40 she mentioned that she was bored sexually, even though I had tried to keep things passionate. She said she'd had a fantasy of being with another man, and maybe two at once. We made that happen for her. It did wonders for our sex life for a few years, but then it became "my overbearing sex drive" if i asked more that once every couple of weeks.

 

So yes, I admit I was weak when this vibrant woman I began texting. It filled a long needed void in my life. I have tried everything to be the best possible husband and father I could ever be. And I never felt like i was good enough until that texting relationship started.

 

So I'm really of the mind now that she can have her life, I'll live mine and stop trying to find fulfillment out of our marriage and certainly not look for it in an affair. I can just focus that energy in the gym. Our youngest will be off to college in 3 years. Maybe then I'll make a change, or maybe then I'll just be beaten down enough not to give a F%$k anymore... IDK. Though I am going to fight like hell not to let the latter happen.

[Babsinhealing]

This is not true based on what you said. He cares for you the same as before but there are other chemicals that floods his mind now, masking the love chemicals he was high on. It's like being run over by a truck on d-day, and there's no ability to get up, and far from being able to carry someone on his back. What is true is that at this moment, he needs his family, the anchor to his daily life, in order to sleep, eat, and function day to day. I've been accused of this too, that I no longer care and she was insignificant after d-day. At that moment of multiple d-days over a year, I was going insane with hair loss, no sleep, and every ounce of my energy trying to fix things on all fronts due to being caring, hurting inside, and all the guilt. I needed to reach out to the OW too. It was my drug fix. She's no less than before. Eventually my body just broke down and I went into depression. The OW guilted me like you wouldn't believe. As I've said, if her thinking was just a bit like yours and said it's time to end this...."go", it would not have taken a year to end the situation with more hurt.

 

You really do need to push him away if he contacts you. My OW pursued me so in my case it was different. She wouldn't give up until she has me and wouldn't take "no" for an answer. However, in your case, you have the clearer head at the moment so you need let him go. It's doing him a favor and doing yourself a big one too! If you love him and he loves you, or whatever you want to call it, end it or everything including his marriage and yours will burn up in smoke at the end. Wish you best of luck. It's only the beginning and I know it's a long road.

Dylon- you absolutely brought some perspective for me into what he could be experiencing. It's so hard to understand when you are not on that side. Everything is perceived and speculated. I try to imagine what he's going thru but it's impossible. So thank you- it completely makes sense and for some strange reason it's given me a little peace.

 

Regarding your situation... It's so hard to walk away from what you want. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to just say "go"... I just knew I was going to do something dark and permanent to make the pain go away and I decided I needed to move on instead- I needed and wanted inner peace again. I was sick of waiting, wanting, wondering, pining. Every second is painful right now ... But I'm NC- I erased my memories and I'm trying to do everything I can in my power to get over this. But some people can't cope well- they can't find that strength and they feel some inner need to just hold on for dear life until they are driven to take drastic measures. Right now, while it hurts, I'm so thankful my last words to him and him to me were kind. I can't put myself in a situation to beg and plead and damage anymore of me. I'm fighting depression but I remind myself everyday that I signed up for this and knew the risk, so how do I have the right to be depressed. I also believe that when you love someone, sometimes letting them go is the best way to show it.

[Babsinhealing]

I have always given her attention over the years. One day she told me that I am annoying, so i stopped. I would give her a kiss or a hug when I came home or left. Then was told i am too touchy feely, so I stopped that too.

 

I pretty much do everything for the kids. i would even get up with her when she was breastfeeding, so she would have support, and then let her sleep when we could give them a bottle. To this day, I cook everyone breakfast every morning, and pack everyones lunch during the week. Kids have sports/school event/ need to be run somewhere.. me. Dog needs to go to the vets/groomer... me. We need something from the store... me.

 

I've put little notes in her lunch. complimented her for looking great. Thanked her for being part of my life. None of which was returned.

 

As she turned 40 she mentioned that she was bored sexually, even though I had tried to keep things passionate. She said she'd had a fantasy of being with another man, and maybe two at once. We made that happen for her. It did wonders for our sex life for a few years, but then it became "my overbearing sex drive" if i asked more that once every couple of weeks.

 

So yes, I admit I was weak when this vibrant woman I began texting. It filled a long needed void in my life. I have tried everything to be the best possible husband and father I could ever be. And I never felt like i was good enough until that texting relationship started.

 

So I'm really of the mind now that she can have her life, I'll live mine and stop trying to find fulfillment out of our marriage and certainly not look for it in an affair. I can just focus that energy in the gym. Our youngest will be off to college in 3 years. Maybe then I'll make a change, or maybe then I'll just be beaten down enough not to give a F%$k anymore... IDK. Though I am going to fight like hell not to let the latter happen.

unsurehusband- my heart breaks for you when I read your post. It really seems like you've tried to do everything right for so long - with no reward. It's still amazing how similar you sound to my OM (with the exception of the threesome- she would never want or allow that... Ever). I can so feel your pain... Stay with the status quo or venture out there and risk "anything"... Maybe more pain, more challenges bigger than what is bearable at home. I can feel the hurt in your words and I'm sorry. Have you ended it with the OW?

[Midwestmissy]

It doesn't sound like much of a marriage. She sounds catatonic. Does she work? Can you separate? Will she go to therapy with you if you make it a condition? I'm the same age as you, I feel like I'm 19, so I know I'm not old. This is beyond sad. Are you sure her health is ok? For me having crackly excited buzzing teenagers in my house makes me energized and so happy. She's missing out on a lot. I'm glad you're involved with your children, enjoy doubly what she's stopped participating in.

 

Maybe the heartbreak isn't over the vibrant text partner per se but what your life is missing. Some affairs send people running back home maybe yours highlighted too much. There may need to be an ultimatum. The thought of sitting through one reality tv show makes me scream. Your kids deserve a happy house and they'll know if a parent is miserable and plan accordingly. Interestingly my kids never had friends over during the affair. Not one child over for dinner or s sleepover. Now there's a revolving door of good juju and messy dishes. The vibe is better.

[Josmatjes]

My post is two-fold: to possibly save someone from having to go thru what I am experiencing and to try to learn from others on how to move forward after their affair ended.

 

My first goal: try to save someone from having to go thru what I am experiencing- run and don't look back if you can!!

 

My 19 month affair was wonderful for the most part- at least until d-day. Both married, late 40s, both experiencing a sexual stale and almost non-existent sexual relationship with our spouses (he was married 25 years with 3 kids/ me 10 years no kids). We were a perfect match, physically, emotionally, intellectually. We always said the fit couldn't be more perfect (well, perfect if your not already married). Although we initially wanted to just fill a sexual void, we were quickly immersed in a "relationship" which involved extensive texting, calling, seeing each other at least once a week, sharing our lives, venting, and sneaking away for weekends on "business trips". We prioritized each other and we both put effort to make it work. He was always the key initiator- waking me up every morning with a good morning text- texting during the day to check in, flirt, make plans or just vent about work. He would text or call on his way home. The passion, the kisses, the cuddles, the inside jokes and laughs we shared, the looks and touch he gave me when he was with me- all led me to believe he really cared and was falling for me. This never faded and stayed strong for the full 19 months. I was soaking this in as my husband has shown very little passion or desire for me for years and I craved it.

 

We had one small d-day last summer when his wife found a few pictures of me, we backed off for a week with communicating but he calmed the waters and we quickly resumed like nothing had happened. However everything changed in January when he fell asleep on the couch and didn't lock his phone. His wife found our texts. He called me the next morning and told me that is wasn't good and he needed some time to fix things... I told him I would be patient and let him work this out, not realizing how bad it was.

 

This is where I want to save someone!! No matter what you thought you had- when he feels his life is crumbling down and he could lose it all, including financial stability (two girls in college and one in high school) he will quickly change his mind. You will be discarded and suddenly an insignificant part of his now chaotic life. Everything changed from that day. The daily texts ended for the most part, he still managed to call occasionally and escape and see me 4 times after d-day and while we were together (it was wonderful as usual), but there was no follow up text or call like the old days- it changed from emotional to just physical whenever we could make it work. He was paranoid about texting and getting caught again. I never thought he could be that guy. He had me so convinced. I was so stupid for falling for him, thinking I was the exception. Thinking we had something different.

 

So fast forward to today, last week I hit a brick wall. I couldn't stand not knowing where I stood in his life as I was getting mixed messages. The moment I heard "I think you were more vested in this than me" and " I'm trying to work on my marriage" was the day I knew I needed to end it (despite the fact he just told me we could still see each other and part of him still wants me- BTW he refused MC with his wife and was still lying to her about me and the extensiveness of our emotional and physical affair). So I ended it and told him goodbye. I got my closure that so many dream of- there was no drama- it was kind and sad but I closed the door and walked away.

 

Now this is where I need help from those that have been through this... How do I honestly move forward and get over this- I feel like I'm dying? How do I not hate him? How did I read this and him so wrong? How do I grieve the loss of passion he showed me for the first time in my life after 45 years? I'm not only sad to lose the physical connection, I'm sad to lose our friendship. I know I was being so selfish and I'm not a victim here, but I'm so incredibly sad and I have to grieve this alone. I'm doing everything the books say (exercise, eat right, go to therapy, journal, cry) but I just feel so discarded. How can he just walk away so easily and "fix" his marriage (which was dying a slow death - his relationship with his wife was more of a friendship and one of convenience until last daughter graduated from high school) after knowing how wonderful it could be. I just can't seem to understand his decision and his thinking. Was it all fake? These questions torment me.

 

My god your story could be mine!! I mean exactly! Right down to the good morning texts... I had an awful dday and we still tried to hold onto what we had. It was hard, sometimes it was like old times but it changed as far as texting and calls. The past year and a half have been hell, not knowing and wondering what was going on. I made some wonderful friends through loveshack who have stuck with me.

The only thing that you can save right now is your sanity...I truly mean that. I have felt depression like you can't imagine. Dreaming of him and wondering if I meant anything...all the words... We were best friends and we saw each other a few times a week and we went on picnics, movies out to dinner..everything...it was my life...

I now work out and I make plans with friends all of the time and I go to a therapist. I swear by Joel osteen and I'm constantly reading up on how to move forward. We have to save ourselves cause no one else is going to do it for us, especially in a situation where you can't share it with too many people without being judged! I also go onto a site called asksuzie.com and I have downloaded, "dismantling emotional affairs" it's a great listen and it teaches you how to get through this! Don't hang onto him because bad memories will start to replace your good memories until there is nothing left!

Btw, I'm sure he loved you but mm never leave, they just don't, I learned the hard way because I hung on too long! Delet, block and take it one day at a time!!

[scorpio16]

I am coming from an "ending" affair as in we both "end it" and end up back in bed. It's so hard when you're in a marriage and there isn't the passion that you feel with the lover. I feel as I'm in a fantasy when I'm with my lover. I feel like I never want the night to end. We've been together 8 months. Until he came along I had myself convinced my marriage was good. Happy. I overlooked so many signs that it wasn't. My lover made me see and face the problems. I am working on making my marriage better but I just can't seem to end my affair. I love him. But he's much younger than me. We couldn't be together even if I was single.

 

 

If you love your husband as I do than try...try really hard to refocus on him and the marriage. Try to spice things up. the gym is great for you. I've put a lot of my stress into workouts. Do things to take your mind off of him. One simple thought I repeat to myself when I think I'll not see my lover again. Like your AP he goes for days and if I let him who knows weeks with no texts. When we are together it is loving, passionate....just amazing. than he's cold. until we meet again. my philosophy is I'd rather have had him than not. So when it ends for real and my heart aches for him and I can't bare the thought of never touching him again as you are experiencing....I will remind myself of the happiness our time gave me.

 

 

It's done. You did it. You had all that time with him and yes it was adultery and wrong but you loved him and you will never forget him. Don't act like a victim or feel sorry for yourself. Instead try moving on knowing that he was in your life and made it happy for you. brought back the passion in you that you may have thought died.

 

 

good luck. I do feel your pain

[RRM321]

IMO an affair isn't about the marriage - it's about the self.

 

Feeling "young and alive" or "passionate" for example, is a state of self, the restoration of loss suffered by an individual.

 

An affair is seldom about what's missing in a marriage. It's usually about what's missing or lost in the self.

[Arthur_Fonzarelli]

i sympathize with you, as to your "stale" marriage," but it sounds like you're putting more effort into this affair rather than finding a way to save your marriage.

 

have you approached your husband about your grievances? have you looked into counseling? are you even trying, or have you just "checked-out," because it sounds like you have and are just going through the motions. in other words, it sounds like your affair is your main priority at this point in time.

[privategal]

Just wanted to give a virtual hug and let you know it will be ok.

None of us like to hear "time" but unfortunately thats what it takes.

Ive watched some very tragic endings unfold on these boards with some VERY broken AP's mourning and in time you see some of their strength rebuilding and you see them start to offer support and advice.

I am one of them.

My ea ended abruptly, ghosted after a trillion phonecalls, emails, texts, expressions of love, you name it...he used to tell me daily he was on cloud 9...then literally overnight I was yesterdats trash.

I was so shocked I had ptsd I swear and greived SO hard and cried an ocean.

I complicated my own grieving by accepting friendship and that drug it out for a few more years and hurt worse.

My point is...none of us ever believe we will be ok again.

Nc must be practiced to a tee no facebook, close secret emails and texting accounts.

Just my opinion but I think it can almost be better to grieve your exap as though they are dead.

False hope is the real battle if you were not ready to end it.

The important and painful first step is to ADMIT and be real...ITS OVER.

it hurts and is hard but be blunt with your mind and heart about that.

It doesnt help to hope in this situation that he/she might change their mind.

Be real..it had to end, the endings are rarely neat and pretty.

You are not alone.

It doesnt matter if you were loved, if it was real, the thing that matters is that you take the time to grieve and heal and give it time.

You will feel normal again but its going to take time and it wont be easy.

[Babsinhealing]

My god your story could be mine!! I mean exactly! Right down to the good morning texts... I had an awful dday and we still tried to hold onto what we had. It was hard, sometimes it was like old times but it changed as far as texting and calls. The past year and a half have been hell, not knowing and wondering what was going on. I made some wonderful friends through loveshack who have stuck with me.

The only thing that you can save right now is your sanity...I truly mean that. I have felt depression like you can't imagine. Dreaming of him and wondering if I meant anything...all the words... We were best friends and we saw each other a few times a week and we went on picnics, movies out to dinner..everything...it was my life...

I now work out and I make plans with friends all of the time and I go to a therapist. I swear by Joel osteen and I'm constantly reading up on how to move forward. We have to save ourselves cause no one else is going to do it for us, especially in a situation where you can't share it with too many people without being judged! I also go onto a site called asksuzie.com and I have downloaded, "dismantling emotional affairs" it's a great listen and it teaches you how to get through this! Don't hang onto him because bad memories will start to replace your good memories until there is nothing left!

Btw, I'm sure he loved you but mm never leave, they just don't, I learned the hard way because I hung on too long! Delet, block and take it one day at a time!!

Thank you for sharing your experience and healing journey. I do agree, we need to do this for us- no one is going to do it for us! You sound like you are moving forward on your journey and that gives me hope that it will get brighter. Thank you!

[Babsinhealing]

I am coming from an "ending" affair as in we both "end it" and end up back in bed. It's so hard when you're in a marriage and there isn't the passion that you feel with the lover. I feel as I'm in a fantasy when I'm with my lover. I feel like I never want the night to end. We've been together 8 months. Until he came along I had myself convinced my marriage was good. Happy. I overlooked so many signs that it wasn't. My lover made me see and face the problems. I am working on making my marriage better but I just can't seem to end my affair. I love him. But he's much younger than me. We couldn't be together even if I was single.

 

 

If you love your husband as I do than try...try really hard to refocus on him and the marriage. Try to spice things up. the gym is great for you. I've put a lot of my stress into workouts. Do things to take your mind off of him. One simple thought I repeat to myself when I think I'll not see my lover again. Like your AP he goes for days and if I let him who knows weeks with no texts. When we are together it is loving, passionate....just amazing. than he's cold. until we meet again. my philosophy is I'd rather have had him than not. So when it ends for real and my heart aches for him and I can't bare the thought of never touching him again as you are experiencing....I will remind myself of the happiness our time gave me.

 

 

It's done. You did it. You had all that time with him and yes it was adultery and wrong but you loved him and you will never forget him. Don't act like a victim or feel sorry for yourself. Instead try moving on knowing that he was in your life and made it happy for you. brought back the passion in you that you may have thought died.

 

 

good luck. I do feel your pain

Scorpio16- us Scorpios sure enjoy passion! Thank you for sharing your insight. I'm hoping one day I can see some joy through all this and I know every experience is teaching us something. I think my biggest challenge is he was never cold... He was "all in" prior to d-day but even though communication dropped after because he was paranoid of getting caught, he was still kind when he or I reached out. Maybe this would have been easier if he was cold. But while we were together- like you, I did cherish every moment. Now I just need to focus on how to live my life without those moment... Now there lies the challenge.

[Babsinhealing]

i sympathize with you, as to your "stale" marriage," but it sounds like you're putting more effort into this affair rather than finding a way to save your marriage.

 

have you approached your husband about your grievances? have you looked into counseling? are you even trying, or have you just "checked-out," because it sounds like you have and are just going through the motions. in other words, it sounds like your affair is your main priority at this point in time.

I've done all these things... Still in counseling, tried to work on issues in the marriage, I tried for years to fix things... I didn't just jump into an A because I thought it sounded fun. I had this affair because I was missing a very fundamental need and I had a void in my life; a void and need my husband didn't think was important. So it may seem I invested a lot of time in this affair, and I agree but that was because someone finally made me feel desired and wanted and it felt good- I was happy! But now that it's over I'm faced with some big decisions whether I try to make this marriage work knowing it will lack intimacy or I move forward on my own to a world of the unknown. Baby steps ... That's all I can handle right now.

[Babsinhealing]

Just wanted to give a virtual hug and let you know it will be ok.

None of us like to hear "time" but unfortunately thats what it takes.

Ive watched some very tragic endings unfold on these boards with some VERY broken AP's mourning and in time you see some of their strength rebuilding and you see them start to offer support and advice.

I am one of them.

My ea ended abruptly, ghosted after a trillion phonecalls, emails, texts, expressions of love, you name it...he used to tell me daily he was on cloud 9...then literally overnight I was yesterdats trash.

I was so shocked I had ptsd I swear and greived SO hard and cried an ocean.

I complicated my own grieving by accepting friendship and that drug it out for a few more years and hurt worse.

My point is...none of us ever believe we will be ok again.

Nc must be practiced to a tee no facebook, close secret emails and texting accounts.

Just my opinion but I think it can almost be better to grieve your exap as though they are dead.

False hope is the real battle if you were not ready to end it.

The important and painful first step is to ADMIT and be real...ITS OVER.

it hurts and is hard but be blunt with your mind and heart about that.

It doesnt help to hope in this situation that he/she might change their mind.

Be real..it had to end, the endings are rarely neat and pretty.

You are not alone.

It doesnt matter if you were loved, if it was real, the thing that matters is that you take the time to grieve and heal and give it time.

You will feel normal again but its going to take time and it wont be easy.

Privategal- your post and perspective was so appreciated! It sounds like you have made some great progress on your journey, which I'm sure was very difficult. I am trying to do everything right so I can have "healthy" healing. I haven't handled loss well in the past and it just gets buried and pushed down until my next loss and then it comes bubbling up, making things even worse. I'm really trying to deal with this break-up in a healthy way. You had some great pointers- I've tried to consider this as a death but it's so hard knowing he's 1/2 HR away alive and breathing. But I know what you mean... Not holding onto hope. For me, that is the biggest change ... There was always hope- especially after d-day #1. But I will take your virtual hug and send you one back!

[RRM321]

Exploring some of those losses can be path to finding what you really need.

Affairs and our own sense of mortality are often related.

[Babsinhealing]

Ok all my new supporters... Yesterday was great because I really got to hear all different perspectives and opinions- what a great group of people and thank you all for your words of encouragement and hope (and some tough love but I appreciate that too!). However, I have a new situation and I want your thoughts and opinions- especially if you've been through this.

 

It's been almost 2 months since d-day and yesterday I opened my LinkedIn page I saw that my OM WIFE viewed my profile on Monday. In addition, I think she was sitting outside my house watching me on Monday. I'm almost certain it was her.

 

She does know who I am, where I live and she did view my LinkedIn profile a day after d-day (none since). FYI- she is actually a kind person and I never feared her. She could have destroyed my life by telling my husband but she didn't. She did text me after d-day and ask me a few questions- "did I love her husband", "did we have sex without a condom" and how long did the affair last... She had to know". But nothing since. Why this sudden curiosity of me after nothing since d-day (that I'm aware of) ? Any thoughts...

[Midwestmissy]

Yes - first off block her on linked in that way you won't get the notices, it's unsettling - the mow searched for me all over the place - she even popped up on my teen sons Twitter. Ew. She's curious, she needs to know what drew him away from her to you.

 

Our situation was different from yours, it was an 6 or so month ea/ 4 mo pa. No one loved anyone, or if they did it was unexpressed. But she knew where I lived, she'd met my kids and knew all my in laws - she was searching for info about me, it was annoying. She was so angry that she had "lost", she had a long history if sleeping with her bosses, and I think she's one of those women who likes getting married men away from their wives. The fact that she was married with 4 kids made her "safer" in my wh eyes, but really, she was easy and available. He couldn't tell you her kids names or if she had pets or where she lived, he didn't care and didn't want to know. But she told him her marriage was bad and that she wanted to leave her husband - he replied that he wasn't leaving me and she was miffed, I do think it's all a game for her, but she's 50 and it hasn't landed her a new marriage.

 

Women can be so catty and competitive, in ways men just aren't. My wh said he never thought about her husband, he was just glad he wasn't married to her since she was a terrible mother of 4 kids who probably never knew where mom was. Her bh is a teacher so home more.

 

My social media lit up for a while, I just quietly shut things down and put privacy boundaries up. I checked her Twitter, but the grammatical errors and quotes about women supporting women made me laugh, so I stopped.

 

She views you as a threat and needs to know anything she can. She's broken. Did you ever peek at her social media during the affair? That's what freaks me out too - that she had months of stalking me when I didn't know about her. Creepy.

[Babsinhealing]

She views you as a threat and needs to know anything she can. She's broken. Did you ever peek at her social media during the affair? That's what freaks me out too - that she had months of stalking me when I didn't know about her. Creepy.

 

I admit, I was curious and did look her up- but more at the beginning when I wanted to know what she looked like. I did check in from time to time but she wasn't active on social media so it didn't drive me to be obsessive. I'm sure she's very curious about me and sees me as a threat and it can't be easy for her... I'm younger, complete opposite in looks and size and I'm very successful in my career so I'm sure it's taken a hit to her self-esteem. However, she has him- I don't. He didn't want me - he chose her and his family so I wish she could just focus on that- I know, easier said than done.