Tormented after affair ended... !

[Babsinhealing]

To be practical, what you need most at the moment is a way of calking down and getting centred in yourself. I'm not suggesting that you should shut off your feelings; just that you need to establish some calmness in yourself.

 

What already existing resources do you have to help you do that?

Satu, I welcome anything that calms me. I try to meditate and shut off my mind and focus on my breathing (he sneaks in and I fight with my thoughts). I'm trying to do things like journaling, reading, exercising, talking with my therapist. I try to listen to music but it triggers me. I stay busy at work- I work from my home office but fly elsewhere in the US every other week. That helps to just escape. I watch movies- anything to just distract myself. He is always in my mind- things he said, did, memories. No matter how hard I try to shut him off and focus on other things, he wins and takes over. I know it's like an addiction and I need to get the "drug" out of my system but I feel like I'm going crazy.

[Dylon]

Sorry to hear that you have to go through such pain. However, take it as a good thing that it's time to move on. Your anger towards him might be not be completely fair. You are both married. He has children and you don't. He had the D-days and you didn't. You are not leaving your marriage either. Both of you needed the affair to serve your own dissatisfaction in your marriages. You came out the winner if there is such a thing in an affair. If you were in his situation, I believe you would have acted in similar fashion. You have no idea what a D-day can do to you. Everyone loses at the end. He's broken and has a lot of fixing to do. He's in a bigger mess than you.

 

Let go of this now because in time, there WILL be another D-day for him. Maybe you will have one too. It's not a matter when if but when. Go NC. Take it from someone who couldn't let go of the OW because of guilt, care, or whatever....and had repeated D-days that got more and more painful, hurtful, and messy. It will end. You just have to choose how ugly you want it.

 

I know it hurts so take care and just ride through the storm with NC.

[UnsureHusband]

My post is two-fold: to possibly save someone from having to go thru what I am experiencing and to try to learn from others on how to move forward after their affair ended...

 

I'm in the same boat, but the husband. Been married 25 years and have two daughters, one in college and one starting HS in the fall.

 

Really since the beginning, I have been the romantic one, and she always seemed disinterested and physical affection is simply not a priority for her, not just sex, but hugging kissing or holding hands. I thought if i earned more money, or did more around the house, or was more attentive, or was in better shape, I would earn the privilege to have her touch me. (Though I should clarify that I do things with my girls because I love them and greatly enjoy spending time with them and being a dad.) Well i have done all of those things, and it never worked. I have tried talking about if over the years, but she gets very defensive and then attacks me, making me feel like I am the one that is broken.

 

I have been having a texting affair with a woman that is fantastic. We talk everyday for up to six hours. For the first time I feel desired as a man, not just a paycheck and a chore boy. But now she has met someone that she wants to try a relationship with. She said that she'd like nothing more than to be with me, but that I am untouchable.

 

I want to end my marriage, but feel with a daughter just hitting adolescence, it might devastate her, and I don't want that. Our home life is stable. We don't fight mostly because I just keep my mouth shut, so I know for my daughter having us apart would not be better, like if would be if we always fought. My wife and I are really like roommates, but occasionally she feels that I need sex, and will just ask very mechanically if I want to have sex. I never ask anymore, and don't even want to be intimate with her anymore. I feel like i am a chore.

 

I know I have been selfish, and I won't ask my friend to put her life on hold. But this pain of losing her, is almost unbearable.

 

Anyway...I don't know how to tell you to move on since I don't know how to do it either. I just wanted to tell you you're not alone, and stay strong. I would also say don't listen to anyone that judges you for having an affair. They don't walk in your shoes.

[Babsinhealing]

Hi, Babsinhealing.

 

 

Yes, I too felt alone in the world, but finding this forum has helped me a lot.

 

 

In regards to NC, to be honest, I was not ready to do it. I was not ready to let him go. He too tried to stay in touch, as in your case, but something was broken already. Before D-Day, I was always so excited to see him. However, after that, I was not looking forward to meeting him in the same way. Seeing him changing so much was really painful. He also suggested being friends, but I just couldn't hang around anymore, listening to how everything was getting better for him in his marriage. So, with the support of this forum, I went into NC.

 

 

And yes, my xMM said that he didn't pick me for being a cheater myself, but I don't believe that that was the only reason. We had a big fight that day and ended it for some time. It felt horrible, because we are not mean people. Then, we reconnected and tried to be "friends." It didn't work out either, we ended it again, on good terms this time, and, even though, it still feels horrible. What I am actually trying to say here is that it really doesn't matter how it ends. The pain is the same. I guess you wish for some closure, for a closed door, but try to look for a resolution within yourself. They cannot fix this for us. Furthermore, my xMM also tried to leave the door open, but I can't live holding on to that. It would be a total waste.

 

 

Finally, I am so sorry for what you've been through in your life. It has made you very strong obviously, but, probably, also a person who would not expect much from life. I too experienced losing my closest people during the last five years, and I had kind of accepted that nothing good is going to happen to me. That is, probably, why it will take me so long to let this guy go. I was truly happy with him.

 

 

Hugs

I agree... They can't give us "true" closure- even though we both had some form of it. I try to put myself in those shoes that never even got a goodbye or any finality at d-day. So I feel "blessed" if that's possible that I got "something". Even though I seriously still can't believe it's just done.

 

I'm wondering if happiness is just a grand illusion. Some days I just think wanting it is just asking too much. Do I just appreciate what I have and not want for more? I see 1,000s of posts on this site- everyone dealing with something, some crisis, heartache, challenge.

[whichwayisup]

I'm taking one day at a time regarding my marriage. My husband knows I'm very unhappy and in therapy and is trying to be supportive. However, to be honest- I decided on this affair because my husband decided sex was not important in a marriage. We spent endless hours and years arguing about it and we would go months without anything. He is loving, respectful, caring - but he just doesn't really think sex is that important. We come from different cultures and countries and I thought I could be ok with his low to no sex drive, but as the years past and I discovered we were glorified roommates, I realized I needed it- which caused me to seek it outside of the marriage.

 

You should have (and still can) discussed having an open marriage, set rules and boundaries so you wouldn't have to go behind his back and have an A.

 

He isn't going to change, sex isn't important to him, but it is to you. This will always be a problem until you two talk about everything.

 

Options are divorcing, that way you both can meet others that are better matched for you both, staying together and having an open marriage or continue as things are now, but I don't suggest that latter option.

[Midwestmissy]

Unsure husband my wh did the same to me. He decided what my needs were, did those things and then was angry because I wasn't happy. What he didn't do was listen to me when I told him what I needed. So in his eyes, he walked into his affair having done everything for a spoiled wife who was never happy. Meanwhile I begged him to help me and he knew better, so did nothing. And the mow was right there telling him how giving and awesome he was, she never judged, was always available and grateful for whatever crumb he threw her way.

 

Guess who's crying now? Remove your head from your back side, stop being in contact with someone who is manipulating the situation to benefit her (even if it's just a game to see if she can "win" a married man), and man up. Imagine your daughter's husband doing this to her. Hell, imagine cheating then walking her down the aisle. Being a true man is standing up for your responsibilities and your family. The ow doesn't genuinely care about you because she doesn't care about your family. She's a tease. If she cared, she'd tell you to fix your life or call her after you're divorced. That's what adults do. My wh regrets her, regrets that our kids know - and they always find out, tell their friends, who tell their parents and then fun times at soccer games for you - regrets ever meeting the ow. They conned each other. It was just distraction. Destructive distraction. You are in the exact place to fix this right now.

Edited March 8, 2016 by Midwestmissy
Autocorrect error

[Noideanow]

I've considered all of this... And it's been the biggest issue in our marriage for years. I could only hope my sex drive decreases due to age/menopause, but so far- no such luck. It's always been high- probably because you want what you can't get.

 

I'm not naive thinking mind blowing sex lasts in long term relationships but I do believe sex is an important part of a marriage- it's what separates you from just being friends. We don't even sleep together and haven't for years. I get no cuddles, spoons or intimacy even though I've asked endless times. However he will kiss me and hug me everyday, does all the things a caring husband does, he's supportive and will do anything for me- but he would be happy if I never asked for sex again. Sad thing is... I'm attractive, fit, successful and OM told me I was by far the best sex he's ever had so it's not "me" ... It's not like I've let "myself go". So confusing. We've even had his testerone checked... Normal.

 

saying this as a woman, not that you can use this as much but i cant keep my mouth shut:sick: I could never live with such a man as you describe:( never, rather stay free and open to the chance of mutual attraction with a MAN:cool: i dont think one should compromise on those aspects of life, it will make for a pity little life:mad: sorry if I offend somebody, offcource there is people wired differently than me and im not talking about you:)

offcourse if man that you have not a second of doubt is attracted to you out of physical reasons/injury is unable to certain things its at different story, but i think in 99% of the cases with this kind of mismatch its simply a lack of attraction/love thats the cause, and that lack is what I see as fundamental and what separates a love story from a friendship-

[UnsureHusband]

I would say that happiness is not an illusion, I guess that it has to come from within first, and if you are going to have partner in your life, your happiness has to be a priority for them. It can't be simply dismissed, like your husband has done to you. Of course their happiness has to be a priory for you as well, but you seem like you would do that.

Edited March 8, 2016 by UnsureHusband

[Satu]

Satu, I welcome anything that calms me. I try to meditate and shut off my mind and focus on my breathing (he sneaks in and I fight with my thoughts). I'm trying to do things like journaling, reading, exercising, talking with my therapist. I try to listen to music but it triggers me. I stay busy at work- I work from my home office but fly elsewhere in the US every other week. That helps to just escape. I watch movies- anything to just distract myself. He is always in my mind- things he said, did, memories. No matter how hard I try to shut him off and focus on other things, he wins and takes over. I know it's like an addiction and I need to get the "drug" out of my system but I feel like I'm going crazy.

 

Its good that you are applying those tools, but I'm not a member of the 'distract yourself so as not to think about it' school.

 

The exception being when you have to really focus on something in your job, etc.

 

 

Here's a snippet from my journal:

 

 

If you had a broken finger, would you try to heal it by not thinking about it?

 

 

Freud and Jung concluded that most mental and emotional pain comes from

 

resistance and conflict

 

 

All you will achieve by trying not to think about this, is the creation of terrific tension in your psyche.

 

The thoughts come, but you try not to think about them = resistance.

 

You try not to think about the thoughts but you do = conflict.

 

Conflict + Resistance = Mental and emotional pain.

 

 

Let the thoughts come and go just like any other thoughts.

 

Let them come, let them go.

 

If you don't, they will slam in hard, at inconvenient times.

 

Let them come, let them go.

 

Gradually the thoughts are drained of energy, and become something of little significance.

 

 

You get what you resist.

 

What you resist persists.

 

 

That might not make sense to you, but it does make sense to me

 

 

Take care.

[UnsureHusband]

Unsure husband my wh did the same to me. He decided what my needs were, did those things and then was angry because I wasn't happy. .

 

Midwestmissy,

 

You make some good points, but I think you are viewing my situation as though I am your husband, and through the lens of your past issues. There is a lot of anger in your post. If it makes you feel better to take it out on me fine, but you need to resolve some things still.

 

I have asked my wife what her needs are and I have worked hard to meet them. She is very happy the way things are, but I am not. She wants to sit and watch reality TV, and spend hours on the internet. I don't want to do that. I am in the best physical shape of my life at 48, and I have a lot of life left ahead of me, I am not ready to die a slow death on the sofa. My needs are not being met, and she has no desire to do work on them. It's taken me 48 years to realize that it's ok for me to have needs too.

 

I couldn't care less about what any other parent thinks of me in your example of soccer games. I have tried to fix this, and it hasn't worked. And please don't throw out the "Real Man" label.

 

And the woman i was talking with did just that, she is breaking it off because I am "untouchable" i.e. not divorced. Did you not read that? Anyway please save your judgment for yourself. Thanks.

[ladydesigner]

Midwestmissy,

 

You make some good points, but I think you are viewing my situation as though I am your husband, and through the lens of your past issues. There is a lot of anger in your post. If it makes you feel better to take it out on me fine, but you need to resolve some things still.

 

I have asked my wife what her needs are and I have worked hard to meet them. She is very happy the way things are, but I am not. She wants to sit and watch reality TV, and spend hours on the internet. I don't want to do that. I am in the best physical shape of my life at 48, and I have a lot of life left ahead of me, I am not ready to die a slow death on the sofa. My needs are not being met, and she has no desire to do work on them. It's taken me 48 years to realize that it's ok for me to have needs too.

 

I couldn't care less about what any other parent thinks of me in your example of soccer games. I have tried to fix this, and it hasn't worked. And please don't throw out the "Real Man" label.

 

And the woman i was talking with did just that, she is breaking it off because I am "untouchable" i.e. not divorced. Did you not read that? Anyway please save your judgment for yourself. Thanks.

 

Said every WS.

[ladydesigner]

I'm in the same boat, but the husband. Been married 25 years and have two daughters, one in college and one starting HS in the fall.

 

Really since the beginning, I have been the romantic one, and she always seemed disinterested and physical affection is simply not a priority for her, not just sex, but hugging kissing or holding hands. I thought if i earned more money, or did more around the house, or was more attentive, or was in better shape, I would earn the privilege to have her touch me. (Though I should clarify that I do things with my girls because I love them and greatly enjoy spending time with them and being a dad.) Well i have done all of those things, and it never worked. I have tried talking about if over the years, but she gets very defensive and then attacks me, making me feel like I am the one that is broken.

 

I have been having a texting affair with a woman that is fantastic. We talk everyday for up to six hours. For the first time I feel desired as a man, not just a paycheck and a chore boy. But now she has met someone that she wants to try a relationship with. She said that she'd like nothing more than to be with me, but that I am untouchable.

 

I want to end my marriage, but feel with a daughter just hitting adolescence, it might devastate her, and I don't want that. Our home life is stable. We don't fight mostly because I just keep my mouth shut, so I know for my daughter having us apart would not be better, like if would be if we always fought. My wife and I are really like roommates, but occasionally she feels that I need sex, and will just ask very mechanically if I want to have sex. I never ask anymore, and don't even want to be intimate with her anymore. I feel like i am a chore.

 

I know I have been selfish, and I won't ask my friend to put her life on hold. But this pain of losing her, is almost unbearable.

 

Anyway...I don't know how to tell you to move on since I don't know how to do it either. I just wanted to tell you you're not alone, and stay strong. I would also say don't listen to anyone that judges you for having an affair. They don't walk in your shoes.

 

No but it is also akin to putting your head in the sand. People who have A's have something broken within them to do this to someone else. You don't like your wife and needs aren't being met and she refuses to change anything...well the answer to that is to D. How is an A going to help you, the OW or your wife?

[UnsureHusband]

No but it is also akin to putting your head in the sand. People who have A's have something broken within them to do this to someone else. You don't like your wife and needs aren't being met and she refuses to change anything...well the answer to that is to D. How is an A going to help you, the OW or your wife?

 

Point taken. I feel that perhaps I should just deal the hand that life has given me and suck it up.

[ladydesigner]

Point taken. I feel that perhaps I should just deal the hand that life has given me and suck it up.

 

Well I think you should figure out what you need to be happy and make a choice going forward. An affair just complicates everything and eventually causes everyone immense pain.

[UnsureHusband]

Well I think you should figure out what you need to be happy and make a choice going forward. An affair just complicates everything and eventually causes everyone immense pain.

 

Well you just have me thinking that I have been too selfish, so if that was your intent, congrats it worked. You can feel accomplished for today.

 

Obviously I am the only one the one with the issue, and I am the only one that is not happy. I chose to chat with someone and now that I am getting what i deserve in the form of heartbreak.

[Liam1]

Well you just have me thinking that I have been too selfish, so if that was your intent, congrats it worked. You can feel accomplished for today.

 

Obviously I am the only one the one with the issue, and I am the only one that is not happy. I chose to chat with someone and now that I am getting what i deserve in the form of heartbreak.

 

Maybe your wife does not realize how unhappy you are.

 

Maybe your wife is unhappy about things you do or don't do and she has not mentioned them.

 

Communication is key.

 

Can you two discuss this in counseling, so that things can be fully communicated and understood.

 

Cheating is not the answer.

 

Here are the options: Divorce or ask for an open relationship if she continues to refuse you sex.

 

Are you afraid to allow her to enjoy sex with someone else?

 

If so why?

 

Affairs are by their illicit nature and secret meetings very exciting.

 

I barely had to touch my affair partner for her to get hot and bothered. She barely had to touch me. .....at least at first.

 

I liked that at first but then her sex drive started to bother me. Also, I started to lose interest in her with each contact. Just sayin.

 

The affair partner can never compare to a long term marriage. It's not even fair to compare them.

[ladydesigner]

Well you just have me thinking that I have been too selfish, so if that was your intent, congrats it worked. You can feel accomplished for today.

 

Obviously I am the only one the one with the issue, and I am the only one that is not happy. I chose to chat with someone and now that I am getting what i deserve in the form of heartbreak.

 

I'm not trying to feel accomplished I'm trying to offer a different perspective. I am a fMOW and a BS over and over again. I have been on both sides. I get it I really do, but an A is a bad way of solving problems. I learned that one that hard way too. A's are selfish by nature.

 

A good book you may be interested in is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass it really breaks down how most A's start.

 

Anyways I'm not trying to make you feel bad in any way and am sorry if I did.

[Midwestmissy]

It was not meant to accuse you or blame you or make you feel anger at all. sorry for the tone conveyed. But I do stand by the real man comment. If a man is married and has a family, he puts the family unit before his needs. That means not cheating. It does not mean not meeting his own needs, but keeping his promises. Or if need be, ending the marriage. My situation was my wh deciding what my needs were in spite of what I actually needed, which made him blame me. It didn't end well when he brought a third party in without letting me know. We had never had a bad stretch in 25 years and that was how he handled the first one - I was shocked, I wished he'd communicated with me instead of her (he was actually lying to her too, it wasn't a love affair). When there is balance, the give and take is never measured. It sounds like you're not getting what you need, but I can guarantee you that an affair would not solve the issue. And I hope you never have your broken and devastated teenager scream obscenities at you about your private parts and moral lacking, the pain is unbearable and you cannot hug it away. That happened in our house and it was gut wrenching. I meant the ripples from cheating go on and on - and are out of your control. They rise up and take you out at the knees, for example at a soccer game. This sh*t is real.

 

Maybe - maybe if your wife truly knew how empty you were feeling, and that you were considering an affair, she'd jump off the couch. And if not, then you'd know that you weren't on the same page. You haven't left her, so maybe you have love for her. I think a lot of people here, bs and ws, wish so badly to go back to where you are right now and make a different choice than the one they did. I'm pretty sure a lot of them have written just that.

[Babsinhealing]

Sorry to hear that you have to go through such pain. However, take it as a good thing that it's time to move on. Your anger towards him might be not be completely fair. You are both married. He has children and you don't. He had the D-days and you didn't. You are not leaving your marriage either. Both of you needed the affair to serve your own dissatisfaction in your marriages. You came out the winner if there is such a thing in an affair. If you were in his situation, I believe you would have acted in similar fashion. You have no idea what a D-day can do to you. Everyone loses at the end. He's broken and has a lot of fixing to do. He's in a bigger mess than you.

 

Let go of this now because in time, there WILL be another D-day for him. Maybe you will have one too. It's not a matter when if but when. Go NC. Take it from someone who couldn't let go of the OW because of guilt, care, or whatever....and had repeated D-days that got more and more painful, hurtful, and messy. It will end. You just have to choose how ugly you want it.

 

I know it hurts so take care and just ride through the storm with NC.

Hi Dylon- you bring up some very valid points. I'm not walking in his shoes so I can only deal with what I'm feeling and with how I would have handled it. I do believe we would have had another d-day if I didn't end it. He was willing to still see me (keeping communication limited to an email she knew nothing about or "clean" text on his work phone where I was assigned a different name in case she saw it). I knew if she caught him again his life would be ruined- no third chance. I also knew I couldn't live like that anymore. It was killing me that I was so suddenly insignificant to him. NC is truly the right answer and I have no choice to ride out the storm. Thank you and I wish you well on your healing.

[UnsureHusband]

Maybe your wife does not realize how unhappy you are.

 

Maybe your wife is unhappy about things you do or don't do and she has not mentioned them.

 

Communication is key.

 

Can you two discuss this in counseling, so that things can be fully communicated and understood.

 

Cheating is not the answer.

.

 

To be clear... this was TEXT ONLY. I have never touched the OW or met her in person, ever. Technically still and affair. I get it. The affair, or whatever you choose to label it, was about more than sexual release. It was about my feeling valued as more than just a paycheck.

 

Actually, my wife has had three other sex partners in recent years. It was something she wanted to try and I was fine with it, but now she says that sex isn't a priority for her at all, and she never thinks about it.

 

My last point was that I am very active and fit, I am not ready, nor will i ever be ready to be a couch potato. And I guess the best thing to do is stay together for the sake of the family and I'll just find fulfillment in some other aspect of life. After reading through this site, i realized that almost everyone is miserable in marriage, and I am shocked by how many ppl are on medication. This is what it is, and I will have to accept it.

[UnsureHusband]

Hi Dylon- you bring up some very valid points. I'm not walking in his shoes so I can only deal with what I'm feeling and with how I would have handled it. I do believe we would have had another d-day if I didn't end it. He was willing to still see me (keeping communication limited to an email she knew nothing about or "clean" text on his work phone where I was assigned a different name in case she saw it). I knew if she caught him again his life would be ruined- no third chance. I also knew I couldn't live like that anymore. It was killing me that I was so suddenly insignificant to him. NC is truly the right answer and I have no choice to ride out the storm. Thank you and I wish you well on your healing.

 

Babs... Sorry if my comment seemed to hijack your thread. Wasn't my intent. You seem very strong and you'll get through this.

[Midwestmissy]

Dude, you are frustrated. Your wife sounds depressed and not motivated to do much about it, and I have never been in your shoes, but it must be hell. I'm choosing to give my marriage another shot because I won't feel good unless I know I've tried. I also can't relate to your wife having other partners and you being ok with it, that's not a place I've been in a relationship.

 

I'm not miserable, but I do come here to vent. Remember, my life is so fantastic another woman was waiting in the wings to jump into my seat when I got up to get more popcorn.

 

I guess you had the emotional affair and it didn't solve the problem, you feel more pain as a result. You clearly are missing human connection, and that is a huge basic need.

[Liam1]

To be clear... this was TEXT ONLY. I have never touched the OW or met her in person, ever. Technically still and affair. I get it. The affair, or whatever you choose to label it, was about more than sexual release. It was about my feeling valued as more than just a paycheck.

 

Actually, my wife has had three other sex partners in recent years. It was something she wanted to try and I was fine with it, but now she says that sex isn't a priority for her at all, and she never thinks about it.

 

My last point was that I am very active and fit, I am not ready, nor will i ever be ready to be a couch potato. And I guess the best thing to do is stay together for the sake of the family and I'll just find fulfillment in some other aspect of life. After reading through this site, i realized that almost everyone is miserable in marriage, and I am shocked by how many ppl are on medication. This is what it is, and I will have to accept it.

 

No, my friend, life is what you make.

 

I am not in a miserable marriage, now. The wife and I got counseling and we both worked on our issues.

 

If you are unhappy, do something about it.......anything, but cheat.

 

This staying together for the kids thingy has been blown out of the water by tons of psychiatrists and psychologists.

 

Kids suffer MORE when they sense their parents are not happy with each other.

 

BTW: it sounds as if you are already in an open relationship, so I apologize, for that suggestion. That does not seem to be working for you.

[Babsinhealing]

I'm in the same boat, but the husband. Been married 25 years and have two daughters, one in college and one starting HS in the fall.

 

Really since the beginning, I have been the romantic one, and she always seemed disinterested and physical affection is simply not a priority for her, not just sex, but hugging kissing or holding hands. I thought if i earned more money, or did more around the house, or was more attentive, or was in better shape, I would earn the privilege to have her touch me. (Though I should clarify that I do things with my girls because I love them and greatly enjoy spending time with them and being a dad.) Well i have done all of those things, and it never worked. I have tried talking about if over the years, but she gets very defensive and then attacks me, making me feel like I am the one that is broken.

 

I have been having a texting affair with a woman that is fantastic. We talk everyday for up to six hours. For the first time I feel desired as a man, not just a paycheck and a chore boy. But now she has met someone that she wants to try a relationship with. She said that she'd like nothing more than to be with me, but that I am untouchable.

 

I want to end my marriage, but feel with a daughter just hitting adolescence, it might devastate her, and I don't want that. Our home life is stable. We don't fight mostly because I just keep my mouth shut, so I know for my daughter having us apart would not be better, like if would be if we always fought. My wife and I are really like roommates, but occasionally she feels that I need sex, and will just ask very mechanically if I want to have sex. I never ask anymore, and don't even want to be intimate with her anymore. I feel like i am a chore.

 

I know I have been selfish, and I won't ask my friend to put her life on hold. But this pain of losing her, is almost unbearable.

 

Anyway...I don't know how to tell you to move on since I don't know how to do it either. I just wanted to tell you you're not alone, and stay strong. I would also say don't listen to anyone that judges you for having an affair. They don't walk in your shoes.

I swear I had to look at your profile and see if you were my OM - everything sounded so familiar. Same years married, kid situation, your feelings of years of being a paycheck and a chore boy .... and the rejection- it was like it came from his mouth. The only thing that reassured me is your texting situation is obviously not the same. I'm sorry you are to this point. Sometimes we try so hard for so long to make it work and you just give up, exhausted.

 

My OM focused on being a good husband and father for many years- putting his needs on the back burner. Being rejected sexually time after time to the point he said it was hurtful and embarrassing- he didn't want to beg anymore. He just stopped asking. They drifted apart- got caught up in the "conquer and divide" routine with the girls, never argued just did what was required to keep the status quo. Then he met me. He opened up and told me things he couldn't with her... Desires, wants, dreams. She was extremely conservative and he knew she would never "approve". So we became friends and eventually lovers and yes, I encouraged him and complimented him and he did the same... For once we both felt alive again.

 

I will never judge anyone in our shoes- no one understands what years of rejection can do to a person and how far it pushes you. Neither of us wanted to hurt anyone... His wife is very nice and so is my husband. We just had this void and the temptation and opportunity was right. Just like your situation. But I do know that you do reach a point where you just need answers, which sounds like where your OW is at. It hurts to not have you so she knows she can't take the pain anymore and she needs to walk away. So if she walks- it's not for a lack of wanting you... If anything- just the opposite.

 

You and I have some big decisions to make. I see your challenges and most of them are probably the reason my A has ended- he couldn't walk away from his family. But let me tell you this, d-day is like an atomic bomb and things will never be the same. Some things are just erased no matter how wonderful the connection was, so make a decision before this happens and your wife discovers those 6 HR long texts. I'm sure the texts his wife saw will be forever stamped into her memory- the obvious emotional and physical connection we had, pet names, constant communication. Spare her that if you can.

 

Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone on this journey. It's nice to get a man's perspective. We often think you guys are emotionally void- but it's obvious you have the same challenges.

[ladydesigner]

Babs:

 

It may help you to ponder how you would feel if you suddenly lost your sex drive due to aging or hormone shifts.

 

Would you then be wishing you had stayed with the man you love.

 

Is sex really your primary motivator for a long relationship.

 

A certified sex therapist may be able to help your husband with his low sex drive.

 

Does he even know this is an ongoing issue for you.

 

Maybe, if he refuses to get help you can ask for an open relationship.

 

(((Babs))) I am sorry you are in this position. I'm not sure I could handle months without sex either. I too second the sex therapist for your BS.

 

It's interesting how everyone's sex drives come into play with A's. In my case (from my BS pov) my drive had slowed due to carrying the bulk of the household, kids, working 40 hours a week and WH was never home, never helped My WH was also not attentive to my own needs. Sole reason he said for his cheating was that I didn't talk to him the way OW did, connect during sex, and lack of sex (we averaged 2 times a week).

 

My mom had A's throughout the years due to my father's inability to have sex due to his medications. He understands why but is still devastated and my mom is miserable because she's never had a healthy sex life.