Long distance visit [update - He texts less often] [updated 2016-08-11]

[Lois_Griffin]

So......you're basically an FWB that he doesn't have to spend a red cent on and even better, doesn't have to define you as a girlfriend or commit to you.

 

Got it.

[Lola2609]

So......you're basically an FWB that he doesn't have to spend a red cent on and even better, doesn't have to define you as a girlfriend or commit to you.

 

Got it.

Ok, he spends money too. Not sure what exactly his financial situation is but I am sure it is not easy for anyone. When I visited he took me to all fun places and paid for most of them. And FWB, well, we havent had sex yet so... I wouldnt say so

[TMichaels]

In a way, it doesn't make any difference whether you two are "an item" or not.

 

Bottom line, the biggest problem/issue is that you're a student, attending classes, and your disposable income is limited or non-existent which means you can't spend as much time/money on fun trips and outings as someone like your "friend" who is working so has more control over his schedule and budget.

 

Did this guy ever attend college? Does he understand what it is like to be a student? If he did go to school, he should. If he didn't, maybe that's part of the problem -- he has no idea what it's like and the multiple priorities and stressors you're dealing with.

 

I am in no way, shape or form suggesting that you remove this obstacle by dropping out of school for this guy or any other in order for you to be "more equal."

 

hHowever, I think you need have a discussion with this guy about even though you enjoy his company and have thoroughly enjoyed the outings you've had, as a student, you're not in a position to continue to do so on a regular basis -- you just can't afford it in terms of the time or money. IOW, you need to set some boundaries as opposed to "just going with the flow" which is causing you stress.

 

I'd also make it clear that you're not bringing the topic up to imply that he should be footing the bill for all your "mini-breaks" since he's the guy or he's the one who has a job. Rather, he does need to understand how much easier it is for him go on these trips than you, and that if both of you want to continue to explore the relationship then you're going to have to find a better way to do so, so that spending time together works better for all.

 

If you/he aren't willing to make the sacrifices necessary that will make things work, then there's no reason to continue or spend time doing your head in obsessing about what label to put on your "relationship." It may well be this "obstacle" is one you can't get over because you're at two different places/stages in life. If so, at least you two had some fun times together, but the timing wasn't right...

 

HTH,

TMichaels

[Lola2609]

In a way, it doesn't make any difference whether you two are "an item" or not.

 

Bottom line, the biggest problem/issue is that you're a student, attending classes, and your disposable income is limited or non-existent which means you can't spend as much time/money on fun trips and outings as someone like your "friend" who is working so has more control over his schedule and

Did this guy ever attend college? Does he understand what it is like to be a student? If he did go to school, he should. If he didn't, maybe that's part of the problem -- he has no idea what it's like and the multiple priorities and stressors you're dealing with.

 

I am in no way, shape or form suggesting that you remove this obstacle by dropping out of school for this guy or any other in order for you to be "more equal."

 

hHowever, I think you need have a discussion with this guy about even though you enjoy his company and have thoroughly enjoyed the outings you've had, as a student, you're not in a position to continue to do so on a regular basis -- you just can't afford it in terms of the time or money. IOW, you need to set some boundaries as opposed to "just going with the flow" which is causing you stress.

 

I'd also make it clear that you're not bringing the topic up to imply that he should be footing the bill for all your "mini-breaks" since he's the guy or he's the one who has a job. Rather, he does need to understand how much easier it is for him go on these trips than you, and that if both of you want to continue to explore the relationship then you're going to have to find a better way to do so, so that spending time together works better for all.

 

If you/he aren't willing to make the sacrifices necessary that will make things work, then there's no reason to continue or spend time doing your head in obsessing about what label to put on your "relationship." It may well be this "obstacle" is one you can't get over because you're at two different places/stages in life. If so, at least you two had some fun times together, but the timing wasn't right...

 

HTH,

TMichaels

 

This is an incredible advice. Instead of focusing on labels or asking him where things are going, I should figure out how to make things work and in doing so I can also see how serious he is.

To answer your questions, he did attend college but he comes from a wealthy family. My family, on the other hand, lives overseas and I have zero support. Everything I have or ever paid for was with the money I made. However, I work hard and I did afford some nice (expensive) things in my life but that doesn't mean I can spend thousands on one week trips.

Thanks again for your reply.

Edited April 20, 2016 by Lola2609

[Michelle ma Belle]

It's time for a conversation. Simple as that. You can't carry on without having a talk with him and being brutally honest about things as well as what you would like with him moving forward.

 

Go for it.

[Gosh]

We haven't DTRed yet. I never have had a DTR nor the need to before this relationship. Not everyone does, but if you feel the need now, you will feel it later also and it probably will be worse.

 

Imagine you continuing the relationship, at some point it will leave the honeymoon phase, you will have not yet DTRed and instead of feeling secure and great in a relationship that has entered the next level you will be devastated with insecurity and fear of the unknown future, cause when a LDR leaves honeymoon phase it hurts. I really hope i am just projecting my fears, but i also wish i followed almost the same advice that was given to me early on, it would save me a lot of anxiety.

 

I am not saying "DO IT NOW OMG HURRY", take your time, think about what you want, work on the relationship as OP suggested, but do make plans to talk to him about it. It doesn't have to be a sit down or anything scary, there are many ways to bring it up. It's important to do it when it feels right for you. Just don't let it go too far!

 

Other than that , i too do not see any red flags. Don't mind Lois, he/she is always a "tough love" poster type.

 

Take care!

[Els]

If he's starting a business he is probably as broke as you are, if not more so.

 

That being said, you need to talk to him about what his perception of your "relationship" is. It is NOT 'too soon' to do it after 2 visits. Heck plenty of LDR couples have been 'official' from their first visit and sometimes even exclusive before that.

 

It doesn't sound good to me that his response is "we're figuring things out" when people ask about you two, honestly.

[justwhoiam]

Anyone else?

Hi, I'll say what I think.

 

So, I met this guy on a vacation

he comes from a wealthy family

So, where was the vacation? Was it low-key? Or were you staying in a luxurious hotel? Anyone could be misled meeting you in such context.

 

random people asking "are you guys in a long distance relationship." He replied "we are figuring it out".

This served the purpose then and there, to brush off any further question regarding "the relationship". And the reason why is very simple: after that happened, he didn't talk about the topic with you. So he told people you'd figure it out but in reality, that was just a line he fed people to avoid the topic. And he used it with you too.

 

these visits are very expensive and I am still in school

He's not a fortune-teller looking through a crystal ball. Have you told him how much you make? If you pay a rent, did you tell him how much it is? That you're struggling with money since you started studying again? Or you'd feel awkward talking about money matters this early on? I think when the other person is the right one, you tend not to feel the awkwardness and everything comes natural, but that's just me.

 

When he visits, or when I visit we split everything in half and, believe me, it ends up being a lot as we do all tourists things and we both try to make it enjoyable for each other.

Lola, you're not alone on that... many other people in LDRs go through these very same things. I'm in Europe, he's on the East Coast, so I visited NY, NJ, PA... for me, it's the first time for everything. You at least live in his same country. What country is it? How far are you from where he lives? Can you imagine two different continents and how expensive that can be?

But I always cringe at these dynamics when I read posts like yours. You were basically visiting each other as tourists, when in reality that would be supposed to be dating. Right? So the rules of dating, if any, are still there, and you shouldn't treat him any different. If you're used to split costs all the time when you date someone, that's up to you. But that's far from - let's say - customary. I still want a man to treat me as the woman in the relationship, whatever that means, as I'm oldfashioned. If you think otherwise, then you need to get along with any negative side coming from it.

 

I cant afford trips every month.

You need to tell him ASAP, innocently.

 

My question is: how to know this is going somewhere?

It can go as far as he's willing to go (the extra mile). If he can't go out of his way for you, then that's your clue. Splitting costs is not a good indicator. It's fine to split on certain things, but not on everything. There's also something called generosity and kindness. Have you exchanged gifts? To me, the thing you have now is rather casual.

 

I also expected him to pay more than just 50% of the expenses (he works, I am a student) and it now makes me doubt everything.

Well, you got along with the situation and its evolution, so it was your fault. Personally, I wouldn't go out with someone not knowing where I stand. Like: are we going out as friends? If so, no kissing involved, I keep it casual and light. Are you asking me out? Is this a date? Then I'll get ready for that..... and if you're a woman, you know what I mean.

 

he is too far away

I have no idea how far away he is. They fly to each other, but it could be 300 miles, which I wouldn't define as "too far away".

 

would anyone spend that much money and effort if it was only for fun.

This was asked before in this forum... and the answer is yes, if the person is affluent enough. There have been cases on here. Going out of one's way carries a different meaning depending on the person and their budget. $50 can be cheap for someone and expensive for someone else.

 

I dont know how to approach him with that question and not sound too desperate.

If you approach the topic innocently, you won't sound too desperate. Throw it in between one topic and the other.

 

We only met twice so far.

Plus the vacation... how long was it? How much time did you spend with him then?

 

from as little as I know him, I think he might be little uncomfortable to bring that up to.

That's the red flag, if you were looking for one.

 

One small detail, we are not the same religion and he never told me that (even though I already knew it) until his visit now. I felt he brought it up so he can see if I am ok with it or not.

I don't think it's a "small detail". What are your religions? It can mean a lot nor not, also depending on the religions. Some are particularly hard to abide, while others embrace people, regardless of their religion.

 

He is 29 and working, starting some business (not completely sure what is going on).

Why don't you even know what he does? That's really weird. After a vacation together, so much time talking online for months, and other 8 days together, even being where he's at. Didn't you visit his house/neighborhood? If I had a romantic interest in someone, I'd know what he does like the next day after we met... So this is kind of odd, to say the least. How do you explain this?

 

I am not crazy in love with him

Now that gets me thinking. That's not a good starting point, if you ask me. What's missing for you to be crazy in love with him? Were you excited before meeting him at the airport? Did you go pick him up at the airport? Did he pick you up at the airport? Are you looking forward to seeing him? Are you excited when he contacts you? Do you look at your phone and wait for that little text from him that will make you smile? Do you think about him during the day with your head in the clouds? Have you pictured yourself making love with him? And how do you feel about that? If you're not "in love" with him now, it will hardly happen later on...

 

I have a hard time connecting with guys and I would like for this to work out.

Maybe you can tell more about this. Do you know why that happens?

 

For some reason I thought it should be him to start that conversation if he wanted something more serious. But he might be insecure too, and not sure what I want.

I see your point. If he wants you, he will spell it out. But the naked truth is that they're not all alpha males... and some suffer from brain blackout more than you'd think, especially if you have an effect on them that makes them blabber.

 

My family [...] lives overseas and I have zero support.

Would they have to be involved in your love decisions? Or you live your life completely detached from them? The kind you tell them you got married and your baby is due in 2 months?

 

I work hard and I did afford some nice (expensive) things in my life

How much do you make per month, if I may ask? What do you do? And what expensive things could you afford? I'm asking because our assessments can be very subjective. Edited May 1, 2016 by justwhoiam

[kendahke]

So......you're basically an FWB that he doesn't have to spend a red cent on and even better, doesn't have to define you as a girlfriend or commit to you.

 

Got it.

 

 

where in the world did you come away with them having a FWB? What post, exactly, did she say she was having sex with him?

[Gosh]

where in the world did you come away with them having a FWB? What post, exactly, did she say she was having sex with him?

 

I'm telling you, Lois always gives these sort of responses. i call it "tough love" cause sometimes he/she gets it right and maybe give someone a good insight. If you notice, Lois has never ever started a thread, which is weird. So either Lois is a bitter human being, or a person who always is the "devil's advocate" on every situation so He/she can help the other one explore all of their options.

 

I am starting to get use to Lois and use her/him as a reality check xD

[Lola2609]

This guy and I live 2000 miles apart. But we have been texting for 7 months before we met. First, I visited him. A month later he visited me. And finally, we met in the city we both wanted to visit. Every time, he went above and beyond to make me feel good. He is also very affectionate and every time we go back to our home cities, he makes sure we keep in touch every day. He mentioned he would love to see me again (to go on another vacation in a month or so).

The problem is we never talked about the relationship. I have no idea what we are. He texted me once that he missed me and he would move the world to wake up next to me every day (he was tipsy when he said that). And also, when choosing destinations he always says that it doesnt matter where, he just wants to see me.

I am not sure where all this is going. How do I bring this up to him? Sometimes, I feel like we really connect but sometimes I feel like he just wants someone to travel with.

[PegNosePete]

"I would like to talk about our relationship. I have no idea what we are."

[Lola2609]

Somehow I believe that if guy wants to be exclusive, he should mention it. I guess, I will have to do it and find out what is going on.

[Var1ant]

Good advice from the others. Ask him. Youre adults, after all.

[Lola2609]

I have aleady been posting about my LDR. We met on a vacation, and after talking for several months, I visited him. Then he visited me. And finally we went on a vacation and had a blast. I finally asked him what he thinks about us and where he sees this going. He said that the relationship can work if both really want it and he def does want it. I told him I feel the same way. He then said when I am done with school I could move over and live together.

On our last day he asked if we can go on another vacation in two months. I told him I would love to but not sure if I could afford it. He said we would figure it out (to either find something cheaper or he will cover most of the expenses).

It has been two days since I came back home and I have noticed something is different. He texts less often, asks less questions and does not send funny, random pics and jokes to make me laugh. Now we would only text good morning and then again towards the end of the day to say good night and that he misses me.

Why this sudden change? I tried texting him first, he responds, just doesnt seem as enthusiastic about it. And I def miss random texts or pictures that tell me he thinks about me. I know he is busy after the vacation, but he has been busy before. And plus, I see him online every hour or so.

I really started liking him and this is killing me now.

How do I handle this?

[kendahke]

2 days?

 

If this was 2 weeks without hearing from him, I'd say you'd have something to be alarmed about, but not 2 days.

[Lola2609]

2 days?

 

If this was 2 weeks without hearing from him, I'd say you'd have something to be alarmed about, but not 2 days.

 

This has never happened before. I would think when you get closer to someone you would want to text them good morning every single morning.

[katiegrl]

This has never happened before. I would think when you get closer to someone you would want to text them good morning every single morning.

 

Nope, many men need to chill a bit after spending a significant amount of time with a chick.

 

It's calling caving and again it usually happens after a guy (or girl) spends a lot of time with someone... they need to regroup and get back to themselves.

 

My ex did this a lot when we first started dated .... no longer than TWO DAYS though. It gradually became less and less until he didn't need any chill time at all anymore

 

Just chill, do your own thing, IMO it's normal.

 

Please do not start calling/texting asking for reassurance (or hinting you need reassurance).

 

Not that you would but many women do and it only ends up turning the guy off and pushing him away...

 

Just let him do his thing. You do yours.

[kendahke]

This has never happened before. I would think when you get closer to someone you would want to text them good morning every single morning.

 

Well, you can ask him what's going on--that's one way to find out.

 

He may be one of those who do a lot of texting initially, but only as a means to hook you--once you two agree to move forward, he may be of the mind that he doesn't have to keep up that frantic, first blush pace.

 

Or...

 

It was all an act and his disinterest in maintaining the pace is becoming evident to him and you.

[lazcas]

It doesn't necessarily have something to do with you. . He may have something in his mind that is keeping him a little distracted or feeling stressed maybe. . I know it is not easy but you need to give him the benefit of doubt and don't assume it is something related to the relationship. Focus on happy/productive things will probably go back to normal. . Only time will tell.

[Lola2609]

He texted me and sounds like he is trying but it still feels weird. I am going to give him more time but it is hard. Anxiety is the worst part when we fall for someone.

[Lola2609]

It doesn't necessarily have something to do with you. . He may have something in his mind that is keeping him a little distracted or feeling stressed maybe. . I know it is not easy but you need to give him the benefit of doubt and don't assume it is something related to the relationship. Focus on happy/productive things will probably go back to normal. . Only time will tell.

I am not sure about being stressed. He told me he had a lot of work to do but whenever I asked him how his day was going, he would reply something like "productive" and put a smiley face at the end.

I never really initiated conversations that often (maybe once in 3-4 days. But that didnt seem to bother him. He used to always text first and make plans for us to meet.

[GemmaUK]

This has never happened before. I would think when you get closer to someone you would want to text them good morning every single morning.

 

A. This ^^^ is boring, predictable and becomes a meaningless obligation.

B. You have just been on vacation - things were good/great - time to get back to reality knowing and being confident that all is OK. You now each need a bit of 'me' time, I certainly would after a vacation together.

Focus on your own stuff, catch up with friends.

[Lola2609]

A. This ^^^ is boring, predictable and becomes a meaningless obligation.

B. You have just been on vacation - things were good/great - time to get back to reality knowing and being confident that all is OK. You now each need a bit of 'me' time, I certainly would after a vacation together.

Focus on your own stuff, catch up with friends.

 

Hope you are right. Thanks

[Lola2609]

Hi everyone,

 

I posted here before (actually since I decided to start seeing this guy who lives 2k miles away). Things have been pretty good but I cannot understand certain behavior and need your advice here to see things clearly.

This time the problem is money (not even a problem but I have to understand).

Some backgrpund: my guy is in his late 20s, lives with his brother (does not pay rent) and has a job (not sure how much he makes but I would say it is a decent salary).

I am an international full time student (my tuition is higher than regular and I dont have loans or grants). I pay rent and I work as a server. My salary barely covers my expenses.

When we met first time, I flew to his city, refused to stay with hos brother and paid for the hotel and plane ticket. He mostly paid for meals and entertainment.

Then, he flew to my city, he paid for the hotel (he cant stay in my place) and we shared everything else 50/50.

Third time we met in Florida, he paid for the hotel and we shared the expenses for meals and everything else. I offered to give him 50% for the hotel (it was a very expensive hotel), he said that I can get the next one.

Then we talked about our relationship and agreed to meet every 2-3 months. I told him that will be a little expensive for me but I will try. He then said that we could find a cheaper option (like visiting him and staying with his brother) or he could sometimes cover everything for me (but not always "because he is not THAT rich"-his words).

 

Problem: we are meeting again and we are staying at all-inclusive hotel. He booked it and I was debating whether to offer to pay for both of us but I decided in the end to offer my part only. He accepted it. Then, he asked me if I wanna do some parks and other entertainments. We found few but the ticket was 150 per person. He just sent me the link but didnt get the tickets. My question is should I offer to get us the tickets? Is it ok if he gets them.

I hate this nit picking but it is hard when ypu are a student on a budget. I sometimes feel like he expects me to pay 50%, which I think is not completely fair. I am used to guys who have some compassion and understanding. And I am not a gold digger looking to get a free vacation, I just have the feeling that he may not care enough about me.

Share your perspective and let me know if I am being stupid now. Thanks.

Edited August 11, 2016 by Lola2609