She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie; cocaine....

[Marshbear]

Originally posted by blind_otter

There is a huge part of me that thinks I deserve nothing better.

 

Read this statement over and over.

It is the monster that you talk about.

 

You deserve better but you have to think that YOU DO DESERVE BETTER.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by scarly

you are showing you major ignorance now when it comes to sobriety and recovery. AA or NA arent "courses" you take....nor are they "taught" by "counselors". Its nothing but alcoholics and addicts talking to OTHER alcoholics and addicts. So,...yeah,..it DOES automatically make me just as much a counselor as the next guy at the meeting.

 

When I attended NA I called it a class(working at a college I use course/class simultaneously, sorry for the confusion). Two people ran it, depending on the night, and they both were recovering abusers that had attended courses on how to counsel abusers. We called them counselors. I just visited a few pages to make sure I wasn't on crack (harhar) and some clinics that help with drug and alcohol addiction provide information that states that you attendclasses, which are guided by counselors and in some cases you're even assigned an individual counselor to assist you.

[ghidrah]

Originally posted by New_Wife

Pocky, I hereby extend an invite for you to attend any NA meeting in your area. I think you'll find that what you assume is helpful to an addict, and what actually works for folks in recovery - are not the same. A lot of how folks talk to people there is counterintuitive to what you think will work - in fact, it goes against every "nice" image you have of how to interact. The basis of the 12-step program is not "counseling" by any stretch. Any good sponsor will tell you to seek outside help for those issues that require counseling. The point of A.A. and N.A. is to share with other sufferers how we make it through each day without resorting to drink or drug. Period.

 

A common phrase you might hear, if you take me up on my offer, is "the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off." If a very large man with high cholesterol goes into the doctor, does it do him any good to hear "George, you're such a nice man, quality individual, I really enjoy you and I completely understand your compulsive eating, and know how tired you are - but perhaps a little excercise might be good?" No. The doctor will very bluntly tell him that he's too big, needs to excercise more, and will kill himself if he doesn't get his lifestyle under control in a hurry. Is the doctor callous and cruel? No. He is to the point and providing the truth to save the patient.

 

Now, I am not a doctor. Nor is Scarly. What I am is a woman who's been clean since 1996. I did not care one single bit for what folks had to say to me when I first got clean. In fact, I swore, threw chairs, called them names, etc. I found every reason in the book to reject any and everything they had to say because of the perceived differences between them and I. And yet, they still put up with me. They kept saying the same things over and over and over. I found them irritating, cult-like, abrasive, and annoying. And they probably saved my life.

 

If I had been handled with tender kid gloves, I may have continued to feel sorry for myself and waved my Victim flag around as a defense to living a normal life eternally. The good folks in N.A. did not allow me to do that. They broke me down to what I truly was. An addict. All social, educational, religous trappings aside - when I hurt, I used. From there - I had a place to rebuild.

 

Did I empty all my childhood issues there? Nope. I went to a counselor for that.

 

I am telling you all of this so you understand one very crucial thing: I am not coming at Otter in an antagonistic fashion, even as you read it that way. I am offering a hand if she ever chooses to take it. I will gladly tell her my story from beginning to end - if she ever wants to know. What I will never do is pat her on the head and excuse her killing herself because she hurts inside. If that's her choice - so be it - but not with my "poor baby" backing her.

 

And that - barring any questions or requests for clarification - is all I'll say in this thread.

 

 

 

very well said !!!!!!!!!

[blind_otter]

Stop arguing. This is my thread, dang it. Can I have it back, please?

 

And I cannot believe that someone who knows nothing about me can "really care about me" -- I used coke last Monday, and over the weekend. The last time I did coke prior to that was....uh...February? January? I'm not sure. It was before I started having seizures again.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by New_Wife

Pocky, I hereby extend an invite for you to attend any NA meeting in your area. I think you'll find that what you assume is helpful to an addict, and what actually works for folks in recovery - are not the same.

 

I've been, but thanks for suggesting it. In considering approach, and we'll just use Scarly for the sake of of this example, it's been used and hasn't helped on this thread. It's been used on other threads and all it did was make the person tune out and not listen.

 

There are other people that post on this board that tell it like it is with honesty and truth, but doesn't cause the reader to feel attacked. Moi - for example.

 

My point is simply that as a reader and someone that is capable of seeing the responses this approach receives, the approach may want to be reconsidered if you truly want to help. Why does that offend you so much? Why are you so incapable of changing your approach if it doesn't work for everyone? Isn't it about saving one more person and not about you doing it the way you think it should be done?

[New_Wife]

I am offended by no suggestions thus far. It is hard to read tone on a message board.

 

I offer things the way I offer them.

 

Were you to suggest I break out Swahili to discuss this with Otter, I'd be unable to do so. Similar to suggesting I just change my method and what I know to have worked.

 

Why does it offend you that my method is different than yours? Has anyone yet suggested something that has a proven success rate that I've shot down?

[blind_otter]

Sometimes I wonder if people actually read what other people say on the threads, or just what they themselves write.

 

Moi, having read my blogs on here for many moons, understands this issue better than scarly or new_wife. It has never been about the drugs. Before I ever did drugs, I used other methods to avoid thinking about the traumas that lie in my past. I was obsessive about my diet, I exercised compulsively, I was frigid, I pushed everyone away and held myself away from other people. I did ballet and folk dancing in an addictive way, rehearsing 2-3 hours a night, and 6 hours on sunday. I had no life other than the bizarre structure I created.

 

I can stop using the substances and transfer my method of avoiding my issues to another addiction that is more socially acceptable, or I can get PTSD treatment. I choose the latter.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by blind_otter

Sometimes I wonder if people actually read what other people say on the threads, or just what they themselves write.

 

No kidding...

 

Good luck with the treatment. And keep us updated

[BigB]

I'm sorry to hear your having a hard time Otter. I know I don't know you well but I still care. I think your an awesome, beautiful person. I think your stronger than you give yourself credit for.

 

I'm glad your recognizing where the problem lies and are working to do something about it. There are so many people who never get to this point, never get past the denial.

 

I know this due date that just passed brings up a lot of issues and pain for you, I can only hope that the date's passing can help bring you closer to some closure.

 

I can't make any suggestions really, I've never been through anything even close to the crap you've been through. All I can is say stay strong, stay positive, keep posting your thoughts, and keep looking forward to the day you land in Scotland and that first hug with your BF. I remember some of your past posts about how safe he makes you feel, I've got the feeling that when you see him and can be close to him again, that feeling will return. Safe, calm Otter will return.

 

In the meantime, here's a {{{{{HUG}}}}}}

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by BigB

I know this due date that just passed brings up a lot of issues and pain for you, I can only hope that the date's passing can help bring you closer to some closure.

 

I can't make any suggestions really, I've never been through anything even close to the crap you've been through. All I can is say stay strong, stay positive, keep posting your thoughts, and keep looking forward to the day you land in Scotland and that first hug with your BF. I remember some of your past posts about how safe he makes you feel, I've got the feeling that when you see him and can be close to him again, that feeling will return. Safe, calm Otter will return.

 

In the meantime, here's a {{{{{HUG}}}}}}

 

Awww, B, you are a sweetie. I would give youa big wet smooch if I could. You are right. Funny thing is the due date came and went and it was like something was lifted off my shoulders. I put a lot of importance and weight on that date and the dread of it was more awful than the actual passing of the date. I didn't feel the urge to buy a bottle of whiskey and drink myself into oblivion, nor did I want to put anything up my nose. I went to sleep instead. And last night, I didn't do anything but put loud music on and dance around in my underware with my big blond lab/pit mix, Bruce Banner (he jumps up and puts his paws on my hips, when he's standing he comes up to my chest, he is a big boy) - the one who just got out of doggy jail (hah).

 

I'm supposed to go out this weekend with my good friends to watch jai alai (sp?) - which is big down here for some reason.

 

Thanks for the kind thoughts, B. It means the world to me. I have been screamed at and beaten down for a large part of my life so that pretty much makes me react very stubbornly and negatively and reminds me of people in my past who wanted to make me feel bad to make themselves feel big.

[BigB]

Originally posted by blind_otter

Awww, B, you are a sweetie. I would give youa big wet smooch if I could. You are right. Funny thing is the due date came and went and it was like something was lifted off my shoulders. I put a lot of importance and weight on that date and the dread of it was more awful than the actual passing of the date. I didn't feel the urge to buy a bottle of whiskey and drink myself into oblivion, nor did I want to put anything up my nose. I went to sleep instead. And last night, I didn't do anything but put loud music on and dance around in my underware with my big blond lab/pit mix, Bruce Banner (he jumps up and puts his paws on my hips, when he's standing he comes up to my chest, he is a big boy) - the one who just got out of doggy jail (hah).

 

I'm supposed to go out this weekend with my good friends to watch jai alai (sp?) - which is big down here for some reason.

 

Thanks for the kind thoughts, B. It means the world to me. I have been screamed at and beaten down for a large part of my life so that pretty much makes me react very stubbornly and negatively and reminds me of people in my past who wanted to make me feel bad to make themselves feel big.

 

aww, thanks, I'm glad it helps a little. I'm very happy to hear you dodged the urge to drink the due date away. I hope the weight it lifted.

 

My mom said once after loosing a baby that she always felt greatful for the time she spent with that child, she even named him. She said that he only had a little Karma left to live-out in this world and that she felt lucky that she was chosen to spend it with him.

 

I can picture you dancing with Bruce banner, he sounds like a big sweetie. I'm glad he survived his dime in doggy jail un-harmed,(well minus his balls) . I'd hug you both right now if I could.

 

Doggy's make everything better don't they? I swear my little buddy Pal (cocker-unknown mix) can tell when I'm feeling down, he crawls up on the couch, gets in my lap and makes everything feel right for a little while, and if I can get his little buddy Buddha (Pug) in my lap at the same time, it's even better. Those little guys have gotten me through a lot of hard times. I still keep pictures around of my old puppies that've passed on, they truly are best friends.

 

Always remember that your stubborn-ness makes you who you are, it's a good thing, you just have to steer it in the right direction, the positive direction. Stubbornly put your head down and claw your way through the pain to the happiness that awaits you on the other side, and never give up.

 

Your such a beautiful person Otter, always remember that. Always remember that you deserve the best.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by blind_otter

Awww, B, you are a sweetie. I would give youa big wet smooch if I could.

 

Remember on the other thread when we said how attractive your niceness was, BigB? Case in point

 

I thought Otter wouldn't mind this small hijack

 

 

Well done for not snorting or drinking last night Otter. I think you're very brave - I know your past is crap, but I'm hoping for lots of good things in your future.

 

 

last night, I didn't do anything but put loud music on and dance around in my underware with my big blond lab/pit mix, Bruce Banner (he jumps up and puts his paws on my hips, when he's standing he comes up to my chest, he is a big boy).

 

There's something that would be difficult to explain out of context

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

There's something that would be difficult to explain out of context

 

:lmao:

 

Anyone looking through the window would have thought I was insane. Oh wait. I am.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by blind_otter

Anyone looking through the window would have thought I was insane. Oh wait. I am.

 

Yeah, but we love you for your zaniness - and so does McRomeo of GlenLDR

[BigB]

Originally posted by blind_otter

:lmao:

 

Anyone looking through the window would have thought I was insane. Oh wait. I am.

 

In the best way possible. Your Scottish friend is a very lucky man.

[BigB]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

Remember on the other thread when we said how attractive your niceness was, BigB? Case in point

 

I thought Otter wouldn't mind this small hijack

 

Thanks, I can only hope that once I kick my shyness a little (and loose some weight), maybe some girls will start to notice.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by BigB

Thanks, I can only hope that once I kick my shyness a little (and loose some weight), maybe some girls will start to notice.

 

I'm predicting they will. Deal with the shyness and the weight and I think you have a hot product there.

[BigB]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

I'm predicting they will. Deal with the shyness and the weight and I think you have a hot product there.

 

Here's hoping you'll be reading my post entitled "I met a girl!" real soon.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by BigB

Here's hoping you'll be reading my post entitled "I met a girl!" real soon.

 

I look forward to it. Be sure to PM me, in case I miss it!

 

OK, let's end the small hijack and give Otter back her thread