One year anniversary approaching..

[Els]

I think I recall your last thread about him - you said he wasn't a responsible adult, yet you also admitted you both split the bills 50/50 and he still does most of the housework (and you let him do that while still complaining about him). Several of us called you out on that, but AFAIK you didn't respond. This thread sounds like Part II...

 

But anyway, I think you should leave. You're both really not compatible with one another, so better now than later.

[GR4]

I have no reason to say this was doomed from the start. Here's what I will say based on the summation you gave above:

 

Those are not good reasons to continue a relationship with someone, marry them or have kids with them. Forget about his side for a moment, IMO you are way too rigid and way too objective. This is love and dating; you need to look for and find an emotional connection that will be the glue that holds you together when the logical and rational parts of life together don't work--no ONE is perfect so that is not a matter of IF it happens, only of WHEN. The rigidity is internal in you I believe.

 

About your guy, I feel like you TOLERATE him (marginally) for the sake your biological and life clock of where you want to be in life. This is a terrible reason for both of you to be together. There's no reason for any of us on the board to say you've been wrong for a year--that doesn't help in this current moment. BUT the information you've given and most of what people have been telling you and I would imagine will tell you on this thread is that you should choose a romantic life that fits you better and time to let this one go. I do agree, logically, that you need to decide right away due to your lease situation. As someone said above, you know the answer, just admit it to yourself. Most people here don't care about being right or wrong, after all it's your life. But if you want to be happy, a lot of us that have given you advice, think this is not the guy to choose.

 

*ps I don't think it's entirely him. I think you need to reshape some of your beliefs about relationships and approaches too but I think there is too much resentment and not enough good emotion between the two of you to keep this guy (who is not bad; you just don't fit together).

 

Yep. I can't help but find it really strange when you say you're career driven and are looking for a stable partner for kids and marriage with no small talk in between. That doesn't sound very romantic to me, sounds more like you're trying to tick boxes in a life checklist and following what society wants of you.

 

If he's not right he's not right but maybe you need to look at your life as well and figure out what you really want. Reading your OP made for depressing reading if I'm being honest.

 

Maybe it's just because the life you described as wanting would be my nightmare. Who knows.

[Versacehottie]

Breaking up is the easy part. Getting understanding how the things dragged me down so much and avoiding it in future romances (with others, or if a miracle happens - with him) is the key. And right now I'm not sure if I have any understanding whatsoever how I ended up in this limbo with someone who was effectively fast-track BF, i.e. in a bigger need of stability than me.

It reminds me the thread of the woman which BF lied to her that he wants kids - mine did the same - somewhat... I have a kid now - him.

 

Well my unsolicited opinion, since this is slightly off-topic, is that you need to use your heart more. You can't strategize a romance and find happiness. If someone meets your checklist only (and in your case only in some respects), you are set up to have a sterile and resentful relationship. Like I said before there is little to no positive emotion there as the glue. The negative emotions are becoming more and more charged and they have nothing to counterbalance them. In a way, it seems like there is an element of objectifying him. (this has no bearing on whether or not he is deserving to be your boyfriend--it is rather about the fact that you slotted him in there largely due to what he was on paper and what you believed his "potential" to be). Even the statement "effectively fast-track BF" tells that is your viewpoint on him. He's a person. Worthy or not worthy, is not really the major issue. You overlooked lots of things about him in an effort to make him fit your mold. It's like you got a willing male body in front of you and you tried to make it work. i think you might be just as mad at yourself as you are at him.

 

You have to forgive yourself and it is not a total loss. You've learned from it. You tried it out. He won't be what you want and need him to be. Just admit it to yourself. It's hardly a failure to have given it a shot. I think even if you take your current anger at him out of the picture, you are still constantly disappointed, disillusioned about him. Do what is best for you long term. I certainly wouldn't want to have a baby with a guy where your main objection to who he is is his lack of responsibility. That is signing up for a lifetime with him because you will always be connected after you have a child together. Additionally the main ways you would remain connected even if you broke up or got divorced is for money and taking care of the kid--things that have to do with being responsible. You don't respect this guy at all. I think you should stop trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole (do you know that saying?).

[No_Go]

Thank you, Methodical, you summarized it better than I could.

 

My BF insecurities smothered the relationship (e.g. he wants me to accompany him every time seeing his family/friends, avoiding my friends) even more than his lack of responsibility that I has been complaining about.

 

I need to structure my maybe final talk with him. Cut it short and sweet maybe tough in a live-in situation... Although I suspect he'll be ok with the news...after working my a** off for a week on the other coast, he's out 'working out'...

 

Kudos to you for admitting you were seeking security and accepting blame for your role in this situation. By all accounts, you have been forthcoming from the get go by giving him credit where due. You aren't unjustly vilifying him. The more you elaborate, the clearer the picture becomes. You were in a bad place and on the rebound, needing security from an abusive ex. Current bf was the immediate answer and that attracted you to him. Essentially, you jumped from the fire into the frying pan without fully processing and digesting what you had been thru. Now, a year later, you've had time to reflect on the past and present. In doing so, you are seeing that the immediate attraction was for indifferent reasons. However, instead of growing closer over time, you have grown farther apart with different outlooks on life. Rather than making a rash decision, you are weighing the pros and cons. Unfortunately, the cons are outweighing the pros. Security from an abusive ex isn't driving your decision, logic is. Unless I'm misinterpreting your posts (and I hope I'm not projecting), the roles haven't necessarily reversed, but you see he isn't the man you thought he was. Both of you had insecurities and being with each other cancelled them out. However, you have moved past that faze and he hasn't.

 

You deserve a partner who isn't selfish and brings out the best in you the same way you have brought out better outcomes for him.

[No_Go]

I believe I answered to that in the other thread (you're right the two threads are similar - but since he solved the debt/credit issues that inspired the other thread, I started a new one). But I'll answer again:):

1) he insists on dealing with groceries, cooking and laundry, I don't date interfering because he has very specific preferences (and I honestly don't care enough to bother)

2) he left jobs because bosses didn't love him... Many times

3) he keeps trying to tell me how people age differently and he hasn't matured yet (38 and counting )

4) after one year of dating - no single word for future together or future in general

5) selfish, not in the worst way, more like a little boy wanting his toys and candies (we never been out where I want, just following his desires and I feel like mommy paying for both every so often for things that I don't care about)

 

 

I think I recall your last thread about him - you said he wasn't a responsible adult, yet you also admitted you both split the bills 50/50 and he still does most of the housework (and you let him do that while still complaining about him). Several of us called you out on that, but AFAIK you didn't respond. This thread sounds like Part II...

 

But anyway, I think you should leave. You're both really not compatible with one another, so better now than later.

[No_Go]

You have a point I need to reevaluate priorities. Honestly I was very happy single (I'm an introvert), start dating mainly because I start wanting kids (I hated the idea for kids since age of 28-29... Now at 31 is different).

 

Yep. I can't help but find it really strange when you say you're career driven and are looking for a stable partner for kids and marriage with no small talk in between. That doesn't sound very romantic to me, sounds more like you're trying to tick boxes in a life checklist and following what society wants of you.

 

If he's not right he's not right but maybe you need to look at your life as well and figure out what you really want. Reading your OP made for depressing reading if I'm being honest.

 

Maybe it's just because the life you described as wanting would be my nightmare. Who knows.

[No_Go]

I know the saying Versace, just don't believe in it - I was convinced people adapt & mold to their surroundings;)

 

I appreciate your opinion. Not fun but useful! I needed the reality check. I need now to gain strength to go forward with the talk and start de novo at the ripe age of 30+ ... I'm actually looking forward to it:) Just scared of ripping the bandaid.

 

I may have objectified him, I admit. We couldn't go to the level of trust that I'll have with a friend or partner, but he was an OK roommate. That's how I've been feeling about it recently. Btw he also tried to do the same with me - e.g. still firmly believes he'll convert me just if, when I'm agnostic and after the experience with him may solidify the atheistic side of me... But he refuse to hear it! He hears what he wants, just like I do apparently..

 

 

Well my unsolicited opinion, since this is slightly off-topic, is that you need to use your heart more. You can't strategize a romance and find happiness. If someone meets your checklist only (and in your case only in some respects), you are set up to have a sterile and resentful relationship. Like I said before there is little to no positive emotion there as the glue. The negative emotions are becoming more and more charged and they have nothing to counterbalance them. In a way, it seems like there is an element of objectifying him. (this has no bearing on whether or not he is deserving to be your boyfriend--it is rather about the fact that you slotted him in there largely due to what he was on paper and what you believed his "potential" to be). Even the statement "effectively fast-track BF" tells that is your viewpoint on him. He's a person. Worthy or not worthy, is not really the major issue. You overlooked lots of things about him in an effort to make him fit your mold. It's like you got a willing male body in front of you and you tried to make it work. i think you might be just as mad at yourself as you are at him.

 

You have to forgive yourself and it is not a total loss. You've learned from it. You tried it out. He won't be what you want and need him to be. Just admit it to yourself. It's hardly a failure to have given it a shot. I think even if you take your current anger at him out of the picture, you are still constantly disappointed, disillusioned about him. Do what is best for you long term. I certainly wouldn't want to have a baby with a guy where your main objection to who he is is his lack of responsibility. That is signing up for a lifetime with him because you will always be connected after you have a child together. Additionally the main ways you would remain connected even if you broke up or got divorced is for money and taking care of the kid--things that have to do with being responsible. You don't respect this guy at all. I think you should stop trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole (do you know that saying?).

[GR4]

You have a point I need to reevaluate priorities. Honestly I was very happy single (I'm an introvert), start dating mainly because I start wanting kids (I hated the idea for kids since age of 28-29... Now at 31 is different).

 

Well at least you're adult enough to realise that maybe you need to take a look at yourself first. That's a good first step! And that's not to say anything bad about you, we could all do with taking a look at ourselves, me included.

 

I'm in introvert for the most part too so I can understand where you're coming from in that regard. I like spending time on my own but of course it would be nice to have someone especially as I near 30 and I'm just about the only one who is not engaged, in a long term relationship or has kids. So for me it's a tough one to figure out really.