One year anniversary approaching..

[Versacehottie]

Versace, I used to be quite a romantic person - long story, but all that I received in that mode was mocking and disrespect. But that's an old story.

 

summing from your post:

1) he: not a bad guy but not good for me, I add: practical advantages make him stick with me

2) me: rigid (I agree with you), not exploring the romantic side of the relationship, life and biological clock make me stick with him

 

I do agree, logically, that you need to decide right away due to your lease situation. As someone said above, you know the answer, just admit it to yourself. True, I just want to give one more discussion as a chance since the financial ones that I discussed here before Christmas actually worked - I saw a lot of progress on his side.

 

But yeah ... The 'work-out and hang-out' universe where he lives let us being unable to discuss relationship priorities within a full year, that really makes me beyond resentful, plain angry to be honest.

 

Well yeah see you DO know the answer. You should not feel angry over a length of time (ie resentment) at the point you are contemplating BUILDING and STARTING a future together. That's the wrong overriding emotion to be having about him, your relationship, anxiety about what the future with him will bring. You should be having a different overriding emotion about a partner worth staying with and that you think is right for you. (love and running toward, excitement)

 

The rigidity I speak of (gracious of you to admit) can point back to you wanting him to change some of his financial habits--which you admit he did--yet you are still unhappy with his financial habits, extremely anxious over what a financial future with him would be like and still fault him on the whole for not being responsible. IMO, you are too focused on these elements--not that they are unimportant at all but if you feel so strongly about them--his history, as you view it, IS a dealbreaker to you which should have stopped you from continuing a relationship with him long ago. Yet even with his progress you carry resentment and anger toward him about it. It's not fair to him. Choose which it is: a dealbreaker or a forgivable offense and move forward. By your standards these sorts of things are completely dealbreakers and you value responsibility with finances extremely high. You can't have it both ways. He did damage control. If you have belief that this will be a constant battle with him and lead to a mothering effect from you, it sounds like a dealbreaker for sure.

 

We are not even talking about if your standards in these areas are reasonable (i think they are a little too tightly held--that said, I don't know the entirety of your bf's financial situation--I agree with you about his job stuff, that would be a dealbreaker with me). But against your standards as you hold them now, he does not meet the threshold of acceptance with finance, a value you hold extremely high. To the point that you have built up what seems to be unsolvable resentment. Thus, it's kinda a no brainer, let him go. It's not fair to either of you. And you should be able to find a better fit. This is just tolerating a person--a recipe for disaster. good luck

[No_Go]

You remember right - I'm INTJ like you. I have the same issue as you with over-analyzing, I see relationships usually as a project that needs to be dissected, things that need to be plugged in / removed, more like algorithm than an entity if that makes sense.

 

He says he loves me all the time, but he also said the rest (he loves that his family accepts him better now and I pay half of his bills)... So I don't know how true his love is.

 

NG, IIRC, you are an INTJ, as I am. INTJs tend to let our rational minds rule, and find it hard to give over to emotion. One of the things I struggle with in relationships, and maybe you do, too, is a tendency to be analysing all the time, and to get stuck on small details rather than see the bigger picture.

 

Does this man love you? Does he demonstrate love for you?

[smackie9]

 

He says he loves me all the time, but he also said the rest (he loves that his family accepts him better now and I pay half of his bills)... So I don't know how true his love is.

 

red flag...........now you know how a lot of guys feel.

[Versacehottie]

Live with I meant live as relationship partners.

 

I'm wayyy better with money and money management than him so sharing living space with him actually burdens me financially and benefits just him.

 

I referred to the other benefits of living with a relationship partner - like having someone to share your daily life with.

 

ugh, I am cringing. When are you going to stop keeping score? That's what I am talking about. How can you consider marrying someone if you feel like this? A year in and living together, unless a person was a freeloader in which case you should break up, you should be more comfortable "sharing" with him. You realize that a future together means sharing money, responsibilities and not keeping score like this? Would it be better if he made more much more money and was still irresponsible with it? i know several guys like this--money never is a problem because they make more than enough but are they misers and planners and financial responsible in the eyes of some, no. But the sheer fact that there is enough money and let's say gf is taken care of, causes no one to interfere.

 

I feel like you might be nitpicky even in this situation (which will come up when you take time off of work to have a baby or if he starts out-earning you). Or perhaps you are from a culture where inherently you believe a guy should "take care" of his woman? And even though you like making money for your own reasons and purposes, you fault him and harbor resentment that this is not the situation with you two. In a way, you'd be putting an unfair expectation on him, you are straddling two different cultures in this case and are "first generation" in dealing with this aspect so it does make sense that you'd be stuck between two schools of thought. Maybe recognize that. It would haunt you no matter who you were in a relationship with if it is your BELIEF ("a guy should support and pay for his gf/wife completely"). I know from your posts that you are completely financially responsible and self-sufficient, but it doesn't mean you wouldn't also still hold this belief or be scared that things could never be that way once you were in a married relationship, whichever culture, including western ones, you are from.

 

The key is that in a healthy relationship, of any culture, people are not keeping score if they want to be happy. They share because he is your future and you do it willingly and vice versa. If there are too many red flags that make you know this is not a wise decision based on his patterns and your desire to see your life a certain way, well then you should break up. Again, you can't have it both ways and be happy.

[No_Go]

red flag...........now you know how a lot of guys feel.

 

I know the feeling of being used - I was the sugar mommy of my ex.

 

This one is not using me, just not respecting me and putting his wants on top of me.

[No_Go]

In the point when I was happily not keeping score in our initial dating he'd happily let me pay for everything. I'd never forget once we eat brunch the bill arrives and he starts stretching Mommy (me) paid of course to save the embarrassment.

 

I'm coming from the Eastern Europe post-communist block, in short women there are expected and cultured to work as much as they can. He's aware of that and taking advantage I think (he refers to American women as 'princesses wanting to have it all'). So he treats me like he's the Little Prince mommy needs to nurture.

 

I'd never rely on him to take care of me if I have a baby. He doesn't want and I'd never ever ask him. I have savings for that. But again, 40-yo 'baby' is... Too much. With his spending habits (spoiled little boy - if he sees it, mommy needs to get it), I can work my a** off, and he'll be happily 'working out and hanging out'... On my back.

 

When I refer to history, I meant criminal history. He's hiding something. If it is a criminal even/ drug stuff, he'll need to fly as fast as he can because I stated million times this is a deal breaker for me, and no amount of 'care and love' will change that.

 

Ugh, sorry for the charged post... I'm just so mad at him today and I won't even have the chance to talk it through with him till tomorrow night since I'm away...

 

ugh, I am cringing. When are you going to stop keeping score? That's what I am talking about. How can you consider marrying someone if you feel like this? A year in and living together, unless a person was a freeloader in which case you should break up, you should be more comfortable "sharing" with him. You realize that a future together means sharing money, responsibilities and not keeping score like this? Would it be better if he made more much more money and was still irresponsible with it? i know several guys like this--money never is a problem because they make more than enough but are they misers and planners and financial responsible in the eyes of some, no. But the sheer fact that there is enough money and let's say gf is taken care of, causes no one to interfere.

 

I feel like you might be nitpicky even in this situation (which will come up when you take time off of work to have a baby or if he starts out-earning you). Or perhaps you are from a culture where inherently you believe a guy should "take care" of his woman? And even though you like making money for your own reasons and purposes, you fault him and harbor resentment that this is not the situation with you two. In a way, you'd be putting an unfair expectation on him, you are straddling two different cultures in this case and are "first generation" in dealing with this aspect so it does make sense that you'd be stuck between two schools of thought. Maybe recognize that. It would haunt you no matter who you were in a relationship with if it is your BELIEF ("a guy should support and pay for his gf/wife completely"). I know from your posts that you are completely financially responsible and self-sufficient, but it doesn't mean you wouldn't also still hold this belief or be scared that things could never be that way once you were in a married relationship, whichever culture, including western ones, you are from.

 

The key is that in a healthy relationship, of any culture, people are not keeping score if they want to be happy. They share because he is your future and you do it willingly and vice versa. If there are too many red flags that make you know this is not a wise decision based on his patterns and your desire to see your life a certain way, well then you should break up. Again, you can't have it both ways and be happy.

[No_Go]

I'd be so happy discussing future - houses, kids etc. his idea for the future hang out with his churchies and sport buddies. Ignore my friends (smart, unique people at their core), and have a GF to cover his a** in front of the daddy and friends, and pay his bills.

 

If we're talking future I will be excited. He's either incapable or not interested.

 

Let's e even forget about money - how am I suppose to think forward if his goal is "to play sports like in college". How can this be a grown a** dude?

 

I don't know is it a phase (I have issues with work too right now, so I'm generally anxious), but if I was home today.... Maybe we'd have had our last 'date'.

 

But I hate taking decisions in anger... That's why I'm holding off until my return to speak in person.

 

All the thoughts here btw are greatly appreciated, even the most negative ones. I'm just seeking for truth, not comfort

 

 

.

Well yeah see you DO know the answer. You should not feel angry over a length of time (ie resentment) at the point you are contemplating BUILDING and STARTING a future together. That's the wrong overriding emotion to be having about him, your relationship, anxiety about what the future with him will bring. You should be having a different overriding emotion about a partner worth staying with and that you think is right for you. (love and running toward, excitement)

 

The rigidity I speak of (gracious of you to admit) can point back to you wanting him to change some of his financial habits--which you admit he did--yet you are still unhappy with his financial habits, extremely anxious over what a financial future with him would be like and still fault him on the whole for not being responsible. IMO, you are too focused on these elements--not that they are unimportant at all but if you feel so strongly about them--his history, as you view it, IS a dealbreaker to you which should have stopped you from continuing a relationship with him long ago. Yet even with his progress you carry resentment and anger toward him about it. It's not fair to him. Choose which it is: a dealbreaker or a forgivable offense and move forward. By your standards these sorts of things are completely dealbreakers and you value responsibility with finances extremely high. You can't have it both ways. He did damage control. If you have belief that this will be a constant battle with him and lead to a mothering effect from you, it sounds like a dealbreaker for sure.

 

We are not even talking about if your standards in these areas are reasonable (i think they are a little too tightly held--that said, I don't know the entirety of your bf's financial situation--I agree with you about his job stuff, that would be a dealbreaker with me). But against your standards as you hold them now, he does not meet the threshold of acceptance with finance, a value you hold extremely high. To the point that you have built up what seems to be unsolvable resentment. Thus, it's kinda a no brainer, let him go. It's not fair to either of you. And you should be able to find a better fit. This is just tolerating a person--a recipe for disaster. good luck

[No_Go]

Oh, just to add because VH posts made me think:

*) I'd be fine if I'm out-earning him, as long as he's responsible and realizes what the situation is (I have plenty of friends that have house-husbands and live happily - but everyone knows their role)

*) He's somehow trying to compete with me: telling me that WE will move if his jobs moves We never had 'moving' discussions for my job, which makes me think he feels 'entitled'

*) I stated I don't want 200 pound baby at home. Answer: 'Who says who should behave how in what age', i.e. getting defensive. THAT concerns me, not his overall current immaturity....

*) Regarding jobs that he left - after knowing more, it is because he didn't feel respected, so he let go (again I can't stop thinking about the mommy pattern - in that case - his boss was the non-loving mommy, so he ran away).

*) The overall subservient behavior to people that he feels are 'important' to make friends with - a massive turn off for me. I don't know if that's just his low confidence, if that's the case, I'll attempt to tolerate...

[AMJ]

Ok. I take back what I said about feeling bad for him. All this new information...I feel bad for you. Sorry..

[No_Go]

Ugh I just feel like an idiot because he shared this information all along, and I just listened to the things I wanted to hear, like 'how relationship oriented' he is.

[Methodical]

NG,

 

I may have missed why you are upset with him at present. I do understand waiting until you are face-to-face to hash out the issue. Thing is, you are laying out a lot of underlying issues, which is a relationship reality check. I think you care about him, maybe even love him, but you aren't in love with him.

 

You are exploring new potentials and propensities, and regardless of your analytical personality type, you do have a desire for fulfillment, excitement, and reaching new pinnacles that have nothing to do with practicality. A happy, healthy relationship should nurture these same exuberant qualities. It doesn't have to be the butterflies kind of love, but it should certainly be stimulating and engaging... I don't think you are finding that with your bf. (He's a good man...no addictions, but he's not a good partner for you, and that is key.)

[Versacehottie]

I'm doing just a quick response since I read your most recent posts No-Go. No one wants a 200 lb baby (i don't think). You are smart and self sufficient. I can see why you are put out if you perceive his behavior this way (and if this is how it is as well--it matters less about how it really is but how you perceive it--although I say this it doesn't mean I don't believe you). So you have little respect, lots of resentment for him and it has continued the majority of the relationship. You are worried (within right) that he does not have the ability to become more responsible in the way you desire a partner. It's a no brainer--these are huge unsurmountable issues. Break up with him. Move out. Good luck

[No_Go]

I do care about him and I do love him. The 'in love' feeling I don't remember having after my big love years ago chose his path. I'm not sure that I'm capable / willing to wait decades for another great love though, that's why it's not a deal breaker.

 

But lack of 'exploring new potentials and propensities' as you greatly defined it, is the deal breaker. I don't see him trying to do that, or support me in my endeavors. He wants a comfortable, minimal effort lifestyle, that's about it.

 

I was hoping to find the stimulating and engaging environment in other outlets, like work or friends, but he's impeding on those too.

 

I'll have one final discussion but I think I know my answer.

 

NG,

 

I may have missed why you are upset with him at present. I do understand waiting until you are face-to-face to hash out the issue. Thing is, you are laying out a lot of underlying issues, which is a relationship reality check. I think you care about him, maybe even love him, but you aren't in love with him.

 

You are exploring new potentials and propensities, and regardless of your analytical personality type, you do have a desire for fulfillment, excitement, and reaching new pinnacles that have nothing to do with practicality. A happy, healthy relationship should nurture these same exuberant qualities. It doesn't have to be the butterflies kind of love, but it should certainly be stimulating and engaging... I don't think you are finding that with your bf. (He's a good man...no addictions, but he's not a good partner for you, and that is key.)

[No_Go]

Breaking up is the easy part. Getting understanding how the things dragged me down so much and avoiding it in future romances (with others, or if a miracle happens - with him) is the key. And right now I'm not sure if I have any understanding whatsoever how I ended up in this limbo with someone who was effectively fast-track BF, i.e. in a bigger need of stability than me.

It reminds me the thread of the woman which BF lied to her that he wants kids - mine did the same - somewhat... I have a kid now - him.

 

 

I'm doing just a quick response since I read your most recent posts No-Go. No one wants a 200 lb baby (i don't think). You are smart and self sufficient. I can see why you are put out if you perceive his behavior this way (and if this is how it is as well--it matters less about how it really is but how you perceive it--although I say this it doesn't mean I don't believe you). So you have little respect, lots of resentment for him and it has continued the majority of the relationship. You are worried (within right) that he does not have the ability to become more responsible in the way you desire a partner. It's a no brainer--these are huge unsurmountable issues. Break up with him. Move out. Good luck

[Methodical]

I do care about him and I do love him. The 'in love' feeling I don't remember having after my big love years ago chose his path. I'm not sure that I'm capable / willing to wait decades for another great love though, that's why it's not a deal breaker.

But lack of 'exploring new potentials and propensities' as you greatly defined it, is the deal breaker. I don't see him trying to do that, or support me in my endeavors. He wants a comfortable, minimal effort lifestyle, that's about it.

 

I was hoping to find the stimulating and engaging environment in other outlets, like work or friends, but he's impeding on those too.

 

I'll have one final discussion but I think I know my answer.

 

That IS a deal breaker! You need someone willing to support and explore those capacities. Minimal effort and selfish love is grounds for immediate dismissal. Your goals and ambition exceeds his willingness and capabilities, and you deserve more than settling for mediocrity. Yeah, you know your answer. How dare him impede your outlets when he's not up to taking care of your basic needs.

[Methodical]

Breaking up is the easy part. Getting understanding how the things dragged me down so much and avoiding it in future romances (with others, or if a miracle happens - with him) is the key. And right now I'm not sure if I have any understanding whatsoever how I ended up in this limbo with someone who was effectively fast-track BF, i.e. in a bigger need of stability than me.

It reminds me the thread of the woman which BF lied to her that he wants kids - mine did the same - somewhat... I have a kid now - him.

 

I assume he convinced you he was like-minded when this relationship started. The fast track happened bc you wanted to believe he was capable of being the man he claimed to be, but then his actions didn't correspond with his words. You were optimistic originally, and then held out hope that he would become that man. A year later with little change and you're being to accept that you wore blinders. Peeling them off and admitting you didn't see the writing on the wall bc you wore rose colored glasses can be a hard pill to swallow.

[lino]

You clearly aren't each others type.

 

Leave him so you can find yours and him his.

 

From the way you write about this relationship, doesn't sound like there's any love at all.

 

This is why people shouldn't settle.

[Leigh 87]

In the point when I was happily not keeping score in our initial dating he'd happily let me pay for everything. I'd never forget once we eat brunch the bill arrives and he starts stretching Mommy (me) paid of course to save the embarrassment.

 

I'm coming from the Eastern Europe post-communist block, in short women there are expected and cultured to work as much as they can. He's aware of that and taking advantage I think (he refers to American women as 'princesses wanting to have it all'). So he treats me like he's the Little Prince mommy needs to nurture.

 

I'd never rely on him to take care of me if I have a baby. He doesn't want and I'd never ever ask him. I have savings for that. But again, 40-yo 'baby' is... Too much. With his spending habits (spoiled little boy - if he sees it, mommy needs to get it), I can work my a** off, and he'll be happily 'working out and hanging out'... On my back.

 

When I refer to history, I meant criminal history. He's hiding something. If it is a criminal even/ drug stuff, he'll need to fly as fast as he can because I stated million times this is a deal breaker for me, and no amount of 'care and love' will change that.

 

Ugh, sorry for the charged post... I'm just so mad at him today and I won't even have the chance to talk it through with him till tomorrow night since I'm away...

 

 

 

I feel sorry for you. Is this really the best you think you can do?

 

There are men who just love to spoil and pamper their girlfriend's. It's romantic and you can find a man who makes you feel special and actually treats YOU to dates and gifts because he innately has the drive to please the woman he is into!

 

I cannot believe he LET you pay for everything. He should be ashamed of himself. How pathetic. I cannot believe you didn't think you could do better:sick:

 

He is a selfish man child. He isn't a real men. Real men have the natural desire to spoil their partners. Sure women work now days and should pay in commensurate to their incomes for rent and the cost of living together; dates and weekend getaways however should be taken care of by a man as a treat.

 

You work hard and you deserve a generous man that whisks you away for the weekend and treats you rather than actually enjoying having YOU foot the bill for romantic dates and stuff that real men insist on paying for:sick:

 

I cannot believe what a loser this guy is. Yikes.

 

And lastly, you make no mention of chemistry or having intense emotions. Sure, we don't all end up with the one that we fell the hardest and the fastes for... nor do we necessarily get the partner that we were the most hot over. But you should absolutely want to rip each other's clothes off to begin with and have phases of that throughout the relationship.

 

You talk about the relationship like it's a business arrangement. I find that very sad. Youcan absolutely get a spark and some passion and GOOD chemistry albeit, not necessarily the fireworks ( which you don't care for anyway). It sounds like you're happy with very mild chemistry and magnetism and spark and purely go for stability, loyalty and potential father material.

 

You need at least 7/10 chemistry. There is a pot for evey kettle if you wait long enough for it And it is ALWAYS more enjoyable to date a GENEROUS man! Only very tight and un generous women themselves would actually prefer a man to be non generous or selfish!

 

You're relationship is nothing to envy dear. There are truly women out there who are dating their best friend and also enjoy some passion ( unlike you who sound like you have lukewarm chemistry).

 

The worst part is.... neither of you sound like you have developed intense feelings or emotions for one another.

[Leigh 87]

You clearly aren't each others type.

 

Leave him so you can find yours and him his.

 

From the way you write about this relationship, doesn't sound like there's any love at all.

 

This is why people shouldn't settle.

 

Totally agree.

 

Sadly, many women don't think they can do any better.

 

Not many women or men for that matter, feel they can get it all.... chemistry and compatability in generous doses. They think it's either fireworks with jerks or being lukewarm with" the nice guys who actually want them yet who the woman isn't that into "

 

I learnt that you can have both if you can recognize real chemistry from the dangerous fake chemistry one gets from unavailable types who you want to catch but know deep down are not a safe bet.

 

The OP speaks of chemistry like it is a bonus but not a pre requisite. Which is a recipe for settling.. even the most compatible couples will argue or go through hard times that really test their compatability. ...... chemistry is the glue that holds couples together when they hate each other ( which ideally shouldn't form a large part of the relationship!)

[No_Go]

I hate to say it but it was more of my fault. The month before meeting him I ended a horrible relationship with someone who was stealing from me, verbally abusing me, threatening me etc. I escaped (it was more than a break up) from him, but in the coming weeks he continued pestering me with messages. I knew he was so manipulative that if I meet him, he'll find a way to return, so I start dating almost like a precaution. My current BF was the second guy that I met (the first one was so innocent that I couldn't see him as a 'protector' from my evil ex). When I met my BF I felt instantly safe. My abusive ex continued pestering me up to the date I told him I have a new BF (my current one) - and then magically disappeared.

 

Besides that, he was the polar opposite of my ex (alcoholic, dirty etc). My new BF was appealing in term of his health and life habits, and his respect to me (up to date, he never raised a voice at me let alone name calling etc).

 

My current BF also stated he's religious, not interested in casual dating and looking forward to have kids. I'm not religious, but I liked the values that he stated. We also had good chemistry - I was craving for a human touch in that time, I really mean more hugging than anything else - I was having my sexual needs met with my ex, but we used to sit in the opposite ends of the couch, sad. My current BF and I were holding each other, literally, the whole time the first months...

 

...Fast forward I realized that we are not matching on values... on the ones that I described, and I just feel like I'm not reaching my full potential with him. It was intense year in other respects, just now I have the time to focus on the relationship itself and see its misses...

 

I assume he convinced you he was like-minded when this relationship started. The fast track happened bc you wanted to believe he was capable of being the man he claimed to be, but then his actions didn't correspond with his words. You were optimistic originally, and then held out hope that he would become that man. A year later with little change and you're being to accept that you wore blinders. Peeling them off and admitting you didn't see the writing on the wall bc you wore rose colored glasses can be a hard pill to swallow.

[No_Go]

Yeah... I also don't want a twin brother but still... so many differences.

 

Btw I'm not against settling per se. It is just decoupling one aspect of the relationship (romantic) from another (partnership).

 

You clearly aren't each others type.

 

Leave him so you can find yours and him his.

 

From the way you write about this relationship, doesn't sound like there's any love at all.

 

This is why people shouldn't settle.

[No_Go]

I dated a dude like this...And it felt fake, honestly. To some extent deep inside I want to take the lead. Although GENUINE gifts sound great. If I need to ask for them, even hint, even once - for me they lose value 100%.

 

Funnily, we have had a strong chemistry from the start. It still is - the sexual aspect of the relationship is good, we kiss all the time etc. It is more about respect and compatibility then a chemistry issue between us, I believe.

 

Treating/gifting: he asked me if I want to If I say yes, it doesn't count anymore for me, but I don't know how to convey that. He's Asperger and terrible in reading nonverbal clues, or nuances in a conversation, so this aspect is doomed.

 

And Leigh, I had the 10/10 chemistry and 9/10 compatibility. one. in. my. life. And I'm 31. I can't wait another 7 years for that. Or wait, I can, but I don't want to (my 10/10 9/10 man... who I was not dating really for other reasons, but spend time and thoughts with... told me he has a new GF on my 26th birthday. Knocked her up 2 months or so later. You see why I'm done with fireworks).

 

I feel sorry for you. Is this really the best you think you can do?

 

There are men who just love to spoil and pamper their girlfriend's. It's romantic and you can find a man who makes you feel special and actually treats YOU to dates and gifts because he innately has the drive to please the woman he is into!

 

I cannot believe he LET you pay for everything. He should be ashamed of himself. How pathetic. I cannot believe you didn't think you could do better:sick:

 

He is a selfish man child. He isn't a real men. Real men have the natural desire to spoil their partners. Sure women work now days and should pay in commensurate to their incomes for rent and the cost of living together; dates and weekend getaways however should be taken care of by a man as a treat.

 

You work hard and you deserve a generous man that whisks you away for the weekend and treats you rather than actually enjoying having YOU foot the bill for romantic dates and stuff that real men insist on paying for:sick:

 

I cannot believe what a loser this guy is. Yikes.

 

And lastly, you make no mention of chemistry or having intense emotions. Sure, we don't all end up with the one that we fell the hardest and the fastes for... nor do we necessarily get the partner that we were the most hot over. But you should absolutely want to rip each other's clothes off to begin with and have phases of that throughout the relationship.

 

You talk about the relationship like it's a business arrangement. I find that very sad. Youcan absolutely get a spark and some passion and GOOD chemistry albeit, not necessarily the fireworks ( which you don't care for anyway). It sounds like you're happy with very mild chemistry and magnetism and spark and purely go for stability, loyalty and potential father material.

 

You need at least 7/10 chemistry. There is a pot for evey kettle if you wait long enough for it And it is ALWAYS more enjoyable to date a GENEROUS man! Only very tight and un generous women themselves would actually prefer a man to be non generous or selfish!

 

You're relationship is nothing to envy dear. There are truly women out there who are dating their best friend and also enjoy some passion ( unlike you who sound like you have lukewarm chemistry).

 

The worst part is.... neither of you sound like you have developed intense feelings or emotions for one another.

[No_Go]

Hey, don't get me wrong, I KNOW I can get a fantastic man. I dare to say I am quite attractive, self-sufficient and have IQ measuring in the top 2%. So it is not a confidence issue. Now I feel like a self-loving b*tch

 

Also I believe attraction MUST be there. I wouldn't go on more than 3 dates with someone I'm not attracted to. Chemistry - such as worshiping the partner, I think is unnecessary, actually dangerous because it can blur logic. Been there done that. Or maybe it was 'fake chemistry' in your terms? (which someone semi-available?)

 

Totally agree.

 

Sadly, many women don't think they can do any better.

 

Not many women or men for that matter, feel they can get it all.... chemistry and compatability in generous doses. They think it's either fireworks with jerks or being lukewarm with" the nice guys who actually want them yet who the woman isn't that into "

 

I learnt that you can have both if you can recognize real chemistry from the dangerous fake chemistry one gets from unavailable types who you want to catch but know deep down are not a safe bet.

 

The OP speaks of chemistry like it is a bonus but not a pre requisite. Which is a recipe for settling.. even the most compatible couples will argue or go through hard times that really test their compatability. ...... chemistry is the glue that holds couples together when they hate each other ( which ideally shouldn't form a large part of the relationship!)

[Methodical]

I hate to say it but it was more of my fault. The month before meeting him I ended a horrible relationship with someone who was stealing from me, verbally abusing me, threatening me etc. I escaped (it was more than a break up) from him, but in the coming weeks he continued pestering me with messages. I knew he was so manipulative that if I meet him, he'll find a way to return, so I start dating almost like a precaution. My current BF was the second guy that I met (the first one was so innocent that I couldn't see him as a 'protector' from my evil ex). When I met my BF I felt instantly safe. My abusive ex continued pestering me up to the date I told him I have a new BF (my current one) - and then magically disappeared.

 

Besides that, he was the polar opposite of my ex (alcoholic, dirty etc). My new BF was appealing in term of his health and life habits, and his respect to me (up to date, he never raised a voice at me let alone name calling etc).

 

My current BF also stated he's religious, not interested in casual dating and looking forward to have kids. I'm not religious, but I liked the values that he stated. We also had good chemistry - I was craving for a human touch in that time, I really mean more hugging than anything else - I was having my sexual needs met with my ex, but we used to sit in the opposite ends of the couch, sad. My current BF and I were holding each other, literally, the whole time the first months...

 

...Fast forward I realized that we are not matching on values... on the ones that I described, and I just feel like I'm not reaching my full potential with him. It was intense year in other respects, just now I have the time to focus on the relationship itself and see its misses...

 

Kudos to you for admitting you were seeking security and accepting blame for your role in this situation. By all accounts, you have been forthcoming from the get go by giving him credit where due. You aren't unjustly vilifying him. The more you elaborate, the clearer the picture becomes. You were in a bad place and on the rebound, needing security from an abusive ex. Current bf was the immediate answer and that attracted you to him. Essentially, you jumped from the fire into the frying pan without fully processing and digesting what you had been thru. Now, a year later, you've had time to reflect on the past and present. In doing so, you are seeing that the immediate attraction was for indifferent reasons. However, instead of growing closer over time, you have grown farther apart with different outlooks on life. Rather than making a rash decision, you are weighing the pros and cons. Unfortunately, the cons are outweighing the pros. Security from an abusive ex isn't driving your decision, logic is. Unless I'm misinterpreting your posts (and I hope I'm not projecting), the roles haven't necessarily reversed, but you see he isn't the man you thought he was. Both of you had insecurities and being with each other cancelled them out. However, you have moved past that faze and he hasn't.

 

You deserve a partner who isn't selfish and brings out the best in you the same way you have brought out better outcomes for him.

[Methodical]

Hey, don't get me wrong, I KNOW I can get a fantastic man. I dare to say I am quite attractive, self-sufficient and have IQ measuring in the top 2%. So it is not a confidence issue. Now I feel like a self-loving b*tch

 

Also I believe attraction MUST be there.

 

I love your self-confidence, NG :love:. You know you're intelligent, driven, and have a healthy grasp of your worth. You're entitled to be a confident, sexy WOMAN. (Knowing our value doesn't make us b*tches .) Now, it's time for you to accept you deserve more than you are getting.