'A letter to the Betrayed Wife'

[Lady2163]

I really hate how it's implied that someone can be "stolen", as if mm can't decide for himself what he wants

 

It is so much easier to blame the Other.

[LivingWaterPlease]

The letter/article by OW now wife sounds melodramatic to me and doesn't ring true. Sounds as if it was written by someone trying to make a point against infidelity. An OW turned wife who has the conscience to regret her role would have written something of more depth than this cheesy letter.

[sandylee1]

This reads more like a betrayed wife wrote this.

 

Do you not think the OW is capable of feeling regret at her part in destroying a marriage?

[Doublegold]

It is so much easier to blame the Other.

 

So true.

 

“Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed.”

 

― Friedrich Nietzsche

[Ruffian1]

I really hate how it's implied that someone can be "stolen", as if mm can't decide for himself what he wants

 

 

Then why can't he decide to D before getting into an A, sometimes hiding it and $cheaming to leave for years before they do. Making a fool of the person he MARRIED.

 

 

Really, if it is as bad as they say, they can just D before getting into an A.

 

 

Ah yes.

 

 

The kids.

 

 

So it is ok to be dishonest for the kids.

Yeah, mm can make decision. They just make decisions that is best for them.

 

 

Me thinks they don't really have it so bad at home which is why they don't D in the first place.

[Lady2163]

Do you not think the OW is capable of feeling regret at her part in destroying a marriage?

 

Yes, absolutely at HER part. Not for the whole thing, though.

 

Step back and re read this letter from the perspective I am claiming. A betrayed spouse wrote this, Hoping these are the things going through the OW mind.

 

This scenario described is just....too odd. I realize things may be different in the UK. But still it is just odd.

 

First of all: we are talking some real money here. I like to think of myself as upper middle class, yet the original couple had both a residence and a holiday house. The BS got money, but yet the WS and OW were still able to afford the primary residence.

 

The first night in the house, they tumbled into freshly washed linens on the bed. Now, I've known some men who are dogs in my life, but to have a divorce finalized on one day and that same day the BS leaves the house, but before she does she changed the sheets for her WS, knowing full well the had been having an affair? This "letter" is implying the BS put the sheets on the bed - which I doubt.

 

The tidy cleaning gear the OW silently mocked? I guess the OW was a slob as well as a skank.

 

I don't know of any BS who would show up at the house, knowing they live together unannounced. Particularly after the divorce is finalized. If this was planned and the OW hung around then that is pretty awful. Since our OW In This letter has already had some pangs before this, I doubt she would be in the area during that moment. The more likely scenario is the OW wouldn't move in completely until ALL the personal property of the BS had been removed. It is more probable the wife would send someone to pick up the items, the husband would deliver the items or both husband and OW would leave the house so she could collect her things. I know people are going to immediately say there's no way they'd give a BS full access to the house unattended, but a) things could be left in the garage and b) our BS is a classy, slender woman, remember? She's not going to be destructive.

 

For them to be a couple, this was more than just a casual affair. As always, there's a chance this guy is a tool, but either he loved two or there were already problems in the marriage. He still had to court and woo the OW. He had to want his marriage to end.

 

And as I stated before, our skanky, slob of an OW is taking all the blame on herself. Unless she chose a wealthy man with no backbone she was able to force to end his marriage. But he is still gallant.

 

I'm really not sure I'm the best one to answer this since when I was an OW, I never for one moment had any illusions he would end his marriage and be with me. Now, if she had run off to join a commune or be a rock groupie and divorced him, I think he and I could have had a chance of being happy. But neither of those scenarios were going to happen. So, XMM and never future faked and rarely played the what if game.

 

And I know this is painful for BS to read, but in my situation his wife did things that made him susceptible to an affair. I didn't chase him, he chased me. Okay, so I wasn't too hard to catch, but still I didn't initiate this. Now, while the wife may still be doing things or not doing things that make him vulnerable to getting attention elsewhere, I'm quite confident he will never have another affair. Not because I was that great, but because he did feel massive guilt and shame.

[purplesorrow]

And I know this is painful for BS to read, but in my situation his wife did things that made him susceptible to an affair. I didn't chase him, he chased me. Okay, so I wasn't too hard to catch, but still I didn't initiate this. Now, while the wife may still be doing things or not doing things that make him vulnerable to getting attention elsewhere, I'm quite confident he will never have another affair. Not because I was that great, but because he did feel massive guilt and shame.

 

If his wife made him susceptible and the circumstances haven't changed, how is it he can avoid cheating now?

[Lady2163]

And I know this is painful for BS to read, but in my situation his wife did things that made him susceptible to an affair. I didn't chase him, he chased me. Okay, so I wasn't too hard to catch, but still I didn't initiate this. Now, while the wife may still be doing things or not doing things that make him vulnerable to getting attention elsewhere, I'm quite confident he will never have another affair. Not because I was that great, but because he did feel massive guilt and shame.

 

If his wife made him susceptible and the circumstances haven't changed, how is it he can avoid cheating now?

 

As stated - he did feel guilt and shame. We do still communicate and he has said that while he does miss the physicality, spending time with me and the attention, there is relief. And no guilt, shame and fear.

[purplesorrow]

As stated - he did feel guilt and shame. We do still communicate and he has said that while he does miss the physicality, spending time with me and the attention, there is relief. And no guilt, shame and fear.

 

Why wouldn't someone so miserable leave? That should have been the option instead of cheating.

[ShatteredLady]

When I wrote for publication I would look at new social issues that were becoming popular or celebrity gossip that was breaking in the press.

 

I've been everything from an 80 year old widowed man trying to live on a government pension too an abused girl living on the streets because she couldn't get work or subsidies when the then government changed the laws.

 

Once you know what notes to hit you can make a reasonable living writing 'letters' in the UK. Remember we have many daily national newspapers & other popular publications. It's like a soap opera. They don't want the complexities of reality. Simple sentimentality that tugs the heart strings in the set number of words is what sells.

 

I don't think this is 'real'. It's a 'professional' letter writer in my opinion.

[Lady2163]

Why wouldn't someone so miserable leave? That should have been the option instead of cheating.

 

We are spinning off-topic

 

Because he isn't miserable. As far as I can tell - and I don't think he lied - bedroom activities are quite vanilla and not with the frequency he would like. She was/is also more child oriented than husband oriented. However, he admits to leaving her to deal with many kid issues and house issues because he is a workaholic. They still have a history together and much in common. They are still a decent team.

 

In my opinion, I think they both took each other for granted. I've been there. It happened in my marriage. I don't think either of us cheated, but we did take each other for granted and stop cherishing each other. This happens, people get in a rut.

 

Oh - and I'd also say XMM avoids personal conflicts.

[ShatteredLady]

Life's easier to handle if we put people into neat little boxes. Everything is so much more complex than that. There are some sociopathic, sex addicted, crazies in the world but most of us are just living our lives day by day. Life happens step by tragic little step.

 

We hold onto whatever mantra work for us at the time...

 

The M must be bad or he wouldn't cheat.

The OW knows exactly what she's getting into & deserves what she gets.

The BS is a neglectful, sex withholding harpy.

If it was that bad why didn't they just divorce?

If it wasn't for the kids...

Etc, etc, etc,

 

My own bias is very much on the side of women even though my brain knows there are just as many men who are taken advantage of by confused, excitement seeking, selfish women living in the moment.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I don't think this is 'real'. It's a 'professional' letter writer in my opinion.

 

Melodramatic to the point of being laughable (if it weren't so OTT), imo.

Edited February 28, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[sandylee1]

As the letter is anonymous who really knows who wrote it.... The sheets on the bed could have just been how the OW perceived it.

 

What I find a little odd. ..is that a woman who participated in an affair to the point of ending up with the man would genuinely feel such remorse.. because IME the standard line is that he must have not been getting something at home hence he strayed. I've seen regret for the affair. ..from the OW for her own pain...but never this kind of realisation or admission that the BW is a good person.

 

Usually when OW gets her man... The thoughts of the BW are how she's being a pain..or how she won't get a job... it's usually contempt...not the feelings described.

 

But this may be a genuine person...wondering what made the man stray...and wondering how the hell she can keep him from doing the same to her down the line.

 

People here in the UK have holiday homes and no matter what the state of the marriage is or was.. The WS left for the OW... so she becomes the reason. If he was unhappy before that..he could have and should have got divorced. ....Then he'd have been free to meet whoever and the OW wouldn't feel like s**t as she does.

 

Somewhere in all this.. I think it pricks an OWs conscience...especially the last paragraph... so it's easier to believe it's not written by an OW.

[anika99]

It might be dead to one person in the marriage, but not to the other person in the same marriage. That's one thing I've learned here on LS. I'm always amazed how different each person's individual viewpoint can be, looking at the exact same marriage (their own)! The W might be happy as a clam in it, while the H is desperately unhappy. And vice versa.

 

True, but how many of these cheating MM who claim to be desperately unhappy in a supposed dead marriage actually leave? If an MM is that desperately unhappy and to him his marriage is dead as a doorknob then he should be more than happy to leave that misery, no matter the cost. If an MM starts an affair, falls in love and then exits his marriage and divorces then there is a possibility the marriage really was dead to him. However if he starts an affair, hides like a coward, tosses his OW under the bus and runs to his wife side upon discovery then I'm calling bullsh*t on his dead marriage claims.

[Lady2163]

As the letter is anonymous who really knows who wrote it.... The sheets on the bed could have just been how the OW perceived it.

 

What I find a little odd. ..is that a woman who participated in an affair to the point of ending up with the man would genuinely feel such remorse.. because IME the standard line is that he must have not been getting something at home hence he strayed. I've seen regret for the affair. ..from the OW for her own pain...but never this kind of realisation or admission that the BW is a good person.

 

Usually when OW gets her man... The thoughts of the BW are how she's being a pain..or how she won't get a job... it's usually contempt...not the feelings described.

 

But this may be a genuine person...wondering what made the man stray...and wondering how the hell she can keep him from doing the same to her down the line.

 

People here in the UK have holiday homes and no matter what the state of the marriage is or was.. The WS left for the OW... so she becomes the reason. If he was unhappy before that..he could have and should have got divorced. ....Then he'd have been free to meet whoever and the OW wouldn't feel like s**t as she does.

 

Somewhere in all this.. I think it pricks an OWs conscience...especially the last paragraph... so it's easier to believe it's not written by an OW.

 

So, now it's just the perception of the OW?

 

We're treating this like it is a great piece of literature, which it isn't.

 

There's were tire tracks in the snow from the BS car the first night the OW slept there. Yet, the divorce was final.

 

These two made enough money for a residence and a holiday home. BS chose the holiday home. More than likely there are school aged children. I suppose it is possible it was a family home and there was a pre-nup, but most people I know fight to keep a residence so kids don't have to move or change schools.

 

This guy was either so great he was worth tears and two women loved him OR he booted his kids out of the house they knew and moved his flooszie in the day his divorce was final.

 

The guy was so lazy he couldn't be bothered to make sure weeks after the divorce all of his wife's property was removed. Even though he makes enough money for two houses he evidently couldn't pay anyone reliable to deliver the items.

 

Again - IF the wife knew there was an affair and IF that was the cause of divorce, there's no way she is going to show up unannounced - which the article states she did. If the divorce was contentious, no way he isn't changing the locks and garage code.

 

If they divorced for other reasons, divorces still take time. If she didn't know about the affair, then it may be painful to see another woman with her newly divorced husband, but it is also something to be expected. More than likely, WEEKS after a divorce kids have seen their father, she would know there is another woman there.

 

Things just don't add up. I agree with ShatteredLady. There were a few catchphrases and points that would get the attention of someone who had been through this. But this is either a paid writer or a BS.

[anika99]

As the letter is anonymous who really knows who wrote it.... The sheets on the bed could have just been how the OW perceived it.

 

What I find a little odd. ..is that a woman who participated in an affair to the point of ending up with the man would genuinely feel such remorse.. because IME the standard line is that he must have not been getting something at home hence he strayed. I've seen regret for the affair. ..from the OW for her own pain...but never this kind of realisation or admission that the BW is a good person.

 

Usually when OW gets her man... The thoughts of the BW are how she's being a pain..or how she won't get a job... it's usually contempt...not the feelings described.

 

But this may be a genuine person...wondering what made the man stray...and wondering how the hell she can keep him from doing the same to her down the line.

 

People here in the UK have holiday homes and no matter what the state of the marriage is or was.. The WS left for the OW... so she becomes the reason. If he was unhappy before that..he could have and should have got divorced. ....Then he'd have been free to meet whoever and the OW wouldn't feel like s**t as she does.

 

Somewhere in all this.. I think it pricks an OWs conscience...especially the last paragraph... so it's easier to believe it's not written by an OW.

 

True, perhaps the fresh sheets on the bed was not supposed to be taken literally, perhaps it was just a descriptive way for the writer to convey the feeling of moving into another woman's house.

 

I did one time see an OW who ended up married to her MM who really did seem to reach a place of empathy, compassion and even some admiration for the BW but I think it took her years to get there and she described her MM as being full of remorse and extremely compassionate towards his exwife too, which probably contributed to the OW/now wife's ability to see the BS as a fellow human as well.

[RRM321]

I really hate how it's implied that someone can be "stolen", as if mm can't decide for himself what he wants

 

Well, yes and no. Wanderlust is a reality. Yet, I know there are also predatory people who will see a prize and exploit whatever weakness they can find in the marriage. Since affairs are typically fatal to a marriage such seduction can be viewed as a hostile act.

 

The only thing I really take away from that letter is her vulnerability. Having seen the BW to be none different than herself - the new wife probably realizes there but for the grace of God go I.

 

If he can do it with you, he can do it too you.

Edited February 28, 2016 by RRM321

[ShatteredLady]

REALLY!?!? "You were the last person I thought of. You got the money, the holiday house and full custody. Apparently, you did not contest at court and left the house quietly;"

 

So....we've got an uncontested divorce where she got FULL CUSTODY of the kids & the holiday home???

 

For a father to not get visitation (every other weekend) in the UK he's got to be a very bad person. She got the kids but didn't get the house???

 

Come on!! I was a better fact checker at 15 years of age! I'm surprised that the author got her/his £50 - £500 (truly no idea how much they pay now)

 

Given that newspapers audience it's an ok fluff piece....different paper & the wife would of caught them going doggy style on the fur rug & overdosed in the Landrover on the driveway...maybe slit her wrists leaving blood stains never to be erased...

[lemondrop21]

In our case, he was done but she wasn't. Even after the D was finalised she still expected him to take her back. Yet it worked just fine. We didn't have "all that guilt and possible regret" - we just had the nuisance value of her behaviour for the next 5, 6, 7.. years, which only served to convince him he'd made the right decision in dumping her.

 

The M was really, really dead for him - but she rather liked it the way it was. And resisted all efforts on his part, over the decades, to improve things. Why would she, when it suited her so well?

 

Interesting perspective, coco. I've read your story in the past and I have to say that this particular BW sounds a bit psycho, for reasons that were in place long before you came into the picture. What puzzles me is how your now-husband ended up with her in the first place. At any rate, always interesting to hear your side of things and I like how you always tell it like it is in your life with no sugarcoating. Thank you for sharing.

[goodyblue]

Well, my h gave her the house... I would never live in the home, but what made me realize it was fake is that there is no way in Hell an OW, even if she got her man, would stand in the garage staring at the BS. while she gathered the remnants of her life while she cried.

 

And the BS wouldn't just gather her stuff and glare at OW either.

 

Totally contrived.

[goodyblue]

Not always "secretly unhappy" - sometimes they've tried for decades, have been rebuffed, ignored, told they're stupid for imagining they're unhappy, told their feelings are invalid, etc. Eventually they give up and resign themselves to serving out their sentence - waiting until the kids are old enough, so they can leave.

 

This was exactly my guy and his ex.

[Popsicle]

Well, yes and no. Wanderlust is a reality. Yet, I know there are also predatory people who will see a prize and exploit whatever weakness they can find in the marriage. Since affairs are typically fatal to a marriage such seduction can be viewed as a hostile act.

 

So, the MM is the helpless victim and the OW is the cunning predator?

 

That's BS.

 

No one is a victim and no one is a predator. They are both just dumb people doing dumb things.

[Doublegold]

Lady2163:

 

We're treating this like it is a great piece of literature, which it isn't.

 

Best line of the night, I can't stop laughing. Thank you Lady.

[minimariah]

the story is probably fake.

 

a friend worked at Guardian for a while; they basically give you a theme and it's your job to write a provocative piece - something that will collect as many clicks possible. so it's possible that the piece was written by someone who was never an OW/BS and has 0 personal experience with infidelity.

 

it's pretty much young writers practicing their writing skills.