'A letter to the Betrayed Wife'

[ZHguy]

I came across this article in the Guardian's 'family' section: it's about a woman who horrifically discovers that she has suddenly begun to empathize with the betrayed wife.

 

My response to this? Her final apologetic paragraph seemed to have no value after reading the whole article. It made me feel a bit guilty to be honest.

 

 

Here it is: A letter to ? the woman whose husband I stole without thinking | Life and style | The Guardian

[Lady2163]

This reads more like a betrayed wife wrote this. I don't know exactly what makes me feel that way. Maybe because the AP is never blamed.

 

I've always been a bit squeamish at the thought of moving into a house a man shared with a previous long term partner. Whether due to affair, divorce or death.

[Popsicle]

What, does she think she's LeAnn Rimes or something? Lol

 

At the end of the day, it doesn't undo the damage that was done.

[elaine567]

What, does she think she's LeAnn Rimes or something? Lol

 

At the end of the day, it doesn't undo the damage that was done.

 

Exactly.

Big deal she found the neatly folded dust cloths and felt a bit bad...Aw...

[ZHguy]

What, does she think she's LeAnn Rimes or something? Lol

 

At the end of the day, it doesn't undo the damage that was done.

 

Haha.

But, how can somebody even go on after that? What, do you go through retribution by taking BS's side in things like child support? How do you you still value yourself? This article has seriosusly made me reconsider my empathy for OP's.

[Lady2163]

Don't get me wrong, the Other plays a role, a large role, but it is the WS that has done the brunt of the damage. The WS is the one who maintained poor boundaries. For whatever reason he/she chose the affair over the marriage and then chose the AP over the exW. Assuming there wasn't a Dday. Up until Dday the choice for an affair or ONS is all on the WS and AP.

 

Now, I have said this before, a spouse can create an environment by not meeting partner needs that can make the idea of an affair more appealing. I don't say that to make all the BS come raining down as to how perfect they were and did nothing, I say that as a divorced woman who had more lousy years of marriage than good. I don't know that my exH cheated, but it wouldn't be a shock to me. I know I wasn't giving it up on the Homefront.

[burnt]

It's called quiet remorse.

 

It's called fighting a lonely battle with one's inner demons.

 

It's called realizing how brutally you hate yourself for causing pain in others after realizing what you've done.

 

It's called realizing you now have a hard time accepting your own actions and now are prisoned to live under your own skin for the rest of your life.

 

It's called, looking for the right words to say 'I'm sorry', and then realizing the best you can do is compose an anonymous letter and putting it out there for the world to see, but all the while you can never face yourself or the one you have caused so much pain.

 

It's called being human, being flawed.

 

It's called making mistakes; grave mistakes; then being repentant and knowing no amount of apology will truly fix what has been destroyed.

 

 

And…

forgive for saying that

We all do horrible things throughout our lives,

but

I'd rather live in a world with people, such as the author of this anonymous letter, who do wrong, but are remorseful afterwords, with self reflection and self doubt.

 

It's the harshest of price when you punish yourself silently for your past.

[sandylee1]

A powerful letter indeed.

 

One day it could be her having moved out of the marital home and returning for a few more things.

 

It's always worth remembering there is a betrayed spouse when you get involved with a MM.. and that person is human..with feelings.

 

At the end of the day..... The guilt and shame is on her and the WS... but the other is always seen as worse.... not a nice place to be.

[Popsicle]

Haha.

But, how can somebody even go on after that? What, do you go through retribution by taking BS's side in things like child support? How do you you still value yourself? This article has seriosusly made me reconsider my empathy for OP's.

 

It's not worth going with someone who is married, period.

But if one foolishly decides to take this hard road anyway and ends up with their MP, then I'm not one that believes in living the rest of your life with sadness and regret. Accept your mistakes, learn from them and move on with your life.

[HappyAgain2014]

It's a sad letter that demonstrates the selfishness of affairs.

 

Living in another woman's home is fitting. She gets the husband and the house. She gets to live in a house that formerly was a home that is now quiet because the life in it with children and a family are gone. She gets her man, a lying cheater who destroyed the mother of his children and displaced his kids. She gets to wait for her turn and can live with her part in destroying someone who never did anything to her.

 

At least the wife now has the truth. She won't waste her life with a cheater. She has the most important asset with her children. Once the dust settles, she will be better off.

[lemondrop21]

Re: the last paragraph, I can see where the "I may have your man..." statement could rub someone the wrong way, but I don't think that was the author's intent.

 

That said, the whole thing sounds horrifying and I don't know how this woman lived with the guilt (especially triggered by being in that house... but, regardless...). I couldn't be in a marriage where there was the sense that I "stole" someone else's husband. From the affairs that have turned into successful relationships that I've read about, it seems like those only happen in instances where the marriage was REALLY REALLY dead already and the affair was the final straw. This article makes it sound like that was not the case here.

[Lady2163]

I've reached a point financially where I just don't think I could move into the house of another woman. Whether it was from divorce or death. Personally, I doubt I will ever be an OW again, so that won't be anything I have to consider.

[OpenBook]

From the affairs that have turned into successful relationships that I've read about, it seems like those only happen in instances where the marriage was REALLY REALLY dead already and the affair was the final straw. This article makes it sound like that was not the case here.

 

It might be dead to one person in the marriage, but not to the other person in the same marriage. That's one thing I've learned here on LS. I'm always amazed how different each person's individual viewpoint can be, looking at the exact same marriage (their own)! The W might be happy as a clam in it, while the H is desperately unhappy. And vice versa.

[OpenBook]

Don't get me wrong, the Other plays a role, a large role, but it is the WS that has done the brunt of the damage. The WS is the one who maintained poor boundaries. For whatever reason he/she chose the affair over the marriage and then chose the AP over the exW.

 

Yes, I always wonder, where is the H in all this? Mentally, I mean, in the new life he's created by switching-out the W with another. How is he feeling about it?

[burnt]

From the affairs that have turned into successful relationships that I've read about, it seems like those only happen in instances where the marriage was REALLY REALLY dead already and the affair was the final straw.

 

This ^^. Absolutely agree.

 

In posts after posts of infidelity, in majority of the cases, there's a common theme:

even though the WS is doing something so wrong, there's almost all the time a buried guilt that they carry for how they are betraying their spouses. In most cases, the WS spell out clearly that they won't leave their marriages, even when they willfully continue the affair.

 

So, in the rare cases, where the WS do leave their spouses, the marriage had to be seriously over and dysfunctional.

 

It might be dead to one person in the marriage, but not to the other person in the same marriage. That's one thing I've learned here on LS. I'm always amazed how different each person's individual viewpoint can be, looking at the exact same marriage (their own)! The W might be happy as a clam in it, while the H is desperately unhappy. And vice versa.

 

In the description you gave above,

if one spouse is 'happy as a clam' and the other is secretly unhappy,

isn't that the PERFECT example of a disconnected and failed marriage?

 

If one person feels the marriage is dead, and the other person doesn't,

isn't that the most horrific clueless form of partnership between two people?

[lemondrop21]

In the description you gave above,

if one spouse is 'happy as a clam' and the other is secretly unhappy,

isn't that the PERFECT example of a disconnected and failed marriage?

 

If one person feels the marriage is dead, and the other person doesn't,

isn't that the most horrific clueless form of partnership between two people?

After reading this discussion, I'm modifying my previous statement a bit: It seems like when affairs turn into lasting relationships, this only tends to work if the previous marriage was REALLY REALLY dead and at least one party has no interest in salvaging it. BUT it's much more likely to end if both parties are essentially done.

 

If one party wants to try and save the marriage and the other just walks away, how can they do that and then have a healthy relationship with AP, while both them and AP have all of that guilt and possible regret to deal with? Sounds almost impossible to me. Then you get the former AP, now spouse, writing a letter like this after carrying around that guilt all those years. All I can say is I wouldn't want it to be me.

Edited February 27, 2016 by lemondrop21

[gettingstronger]

Sounded like buyers remorse to me.

[cocorico]

This reads more like a betrayed wife wrote this. I don't know exactly what makes me feel that way. Maybe because the AP is never blamed.

 

As someone in a similar position to whoever allegedly wrote that letter, I agree. I doesn't ring true to me. I certainly don't feel I "stole" anyone's man, and I certainly don't feel what the letter seeks to convey.

 

My H chose, fully informed, to engage in an A with me. I didn't drug him or trap him with my magical ladyparts. He chose to dump the BW, he chose to be with me. No stealing was involved. We both made choices, as did the BW.

 

I've always been a bit squeamish at the thought of moving into a house a man shared with a previous long term partner. Whether due to affair, divorce or death.

 

We live, most of the year, in the house she once lived in with him. When he moved out with the kids, she continued to live there for a year, while the D was finalised. He bought out her share of the house as part of the D settlement, and later we moved in. First, though, we set about exercising it thoroughly. Unlike the BW in the letter, this BW did not leave neatly folded anything. She left piles of rubbish everywhere, broken stuff and furniture soiled with cat pee and filthy bathrooms and heaps of old photos and personal effects - letters (between them, clearly intended to trigger him), diaries of hers, etc. We burned the lot. It took us months to get the place liveable, and we use the spaces very differently. Family and friends who had been in the house in her day don't recognise it as the same place, and neither does H. It has been reclaimed, filled with colour, light and love. All memories of her have been forever vanquished. There is nothing to be squeamish about.

[cocorico]

After reading this discussion, I'm modifying my previous statement a bit: It seems like when affairs turn into lasting relationships, this only tends to work if the previous marriage was REALLY REALLY dead and at least one party has no interest in salvaging it. BUT it's much more likely to end if both parties are essentially done.

 

If one party wants to try and save the marriage and the other just walks away, how can they do that and then have a healthy relationship with AP, while both them and AP have all of that guilt and possible regret to deal with? Sounds almost impossible to me. Then you get the former AP, now spouse, writing a letter like this after carrying around that guilt all those years. All I can say is I wouldn't want it to be me.

 

In our case, he was done but she wasn't. Even after the D was finalised she still expected him to take her back. Yet it worked just fine. We didn't have "all that guilt and possible regret" - we just had the nuisance value of her behaviour for the next 5, 6, 7.. years, which only served to convince him he'd made the right decision in dumping her.

 

The M was really, really dead for him - but she rather liked it the way it was. And resisted all efforts on his part, over the decades, to improve things. Why would she, when it suited her so well?

[cocorico]

 

In the description you gave above,

if one spouse is 'happy as a clam' and the other is secretly unhappy,

isn't that the PERFECT example of a disconnected and failed marriage?

 

If one person feels the marriage is dead, and the other person doesn't,

isn't that the most horrific clueless form of partnership between two people?

 

Not always "secretly unhappy" - sometimes they've tried for decades, have been rebuffed, ignored, told they're stupid for imagining they're unhappy, told their feelings are invalid, etc. Eventually they give up and resign themselves to serving out their sentence - waiting until the kids are old enough, so they can leave.

[Sassy Girl]

Meh... Good men can't be 'stolen'...

 

Buyers remorse indeed

[Lady2163]

As someone in a similar position to whoever allegedly wrote that letter, I agree. I doesn't ring true to me. I certainly don't feel I "stole" anyone's man, and I certainly don't feel what the letter seeks to convey.

 

My H chose, fully informed, to engage in an A with me. I didn't drug him or trap him with my magical ladyparts. He chose to dump the BW, he chose to be with me. No stealing was involved. We both made choices, as did the BW.

 

 

 

We live, most of the year, in the house she once lived in with him. When he moved out with the kids, she continued to live there for a year, while the D was finalised. He bought out her share of the house as part of the D settlement, and later we moved in. First, though, we set about exercising it thoroughly. Unlike the BW in the letter, this BW did not leave neatly folded anything. She left piles of rubbish everywhere, broken stuff and furniture soiled with cat pee and filthy bathrooms and heaps of old photos and personal effects - letters (between them, clearly intended to trigger him), diaries of hers, etc. We burned the lot. It took us months to get the place liveable, and we use the spaces very differently. Family and friends who had been in the house in her day don't recognise it as the same place, and neither does H. It has been reclaimed, filled with colour, light and love. All memories of her have been forever vanquished. There is nothing to be squeamish about.

 

I always enjoy hearing from you, Coco!

 

I've known women who have married widowers and I've dated a couple of them as well. The house became something of a shrine. One guy had a huge picture in the bedroom of the two of them. Everything was a struggle, from where I set my purse to convincing him to buy new dish towels and bath towels. His wife died in the Fall and years later he still had the decorations and knick knacks from that time of year. When I suggested changing to spring decorations before the adult kids came home for Easter and he passed that on to his daughter, SHE got upset.

 

A few years ago, I connected with someone I had been attracted to while I was married. He had been married as well. The attraction was mutual, but we never did anything. I knew his wife, had worked on a few projects together. Fast forward and we're both divorced. I'm going to be in his area. We talk and flirt beforehand and both of us want to consummate the flirtation. Fine, we're adults.

 

I go to his house, we have pretty good sex. I was planning to come back again. As we are lying in bed, he pops off with, "And the best thing is: I get to have sex in the bed she and I bought together." He'd had a contentious divorce and never missed a chance to slam her. That was just...yucky to me. Both the idea and the hateful personality.

[imperfectangel]

I really hate how it's implied that someone can be "stolen", as if mm can't decide for himself what he wants

[ShatteredLady]

I have a pretty shallow confession to make... I was a bit of a wild, arty teenager. My bf was a musician. We were broke a lot!! These papers (Readers Digest was my favorite) used to pay very good money (for a starving artist/student) for articles & short stories.

 

I could of written that one at 16. There's something missing, (an emotional complexity maybe?) in my opinion. It made me cry...all my pieces that made my Mum cry got published!

 

Don't get me wrong. I still believe that these pieces have a value. Somehow the simplicity & cleanness of the piece is more emotionally manipulative than a 'real' confused, complex writing would be.

[HappyAgain2014]

Dead marriage, really dead marriage, etc. It's all semantics.

 

If a married person is having an affair without their spouses's knowledge and consent, it's cheating.

 

I wasn't even open to living in my husband's house that he formally shared with his ex-wife. No cheating involved but I still wanted a house with our memories.