on the verge of killing myself.

[TaraMaiden2]

She knows that its me and shes annoyed at how Im showing old pictures of us and me making movie maker presentations of us being together from way back...

 

You seriously need professional help.

 

 

Seriously.

[dreamingoftigers]

She knows that its me and shes annoyed at how Im showing old pictures of us and me making movie maker presentations of us being together from way back...

 

Yeah, your pastor is completely reckless advising you to chase after an ex in a new relationship and basically stalk and harass her.

 

That is a sure-fire way to end up feeling worse as well as risking legal trouble etc.

 

This relationship is a huge loss and I wish your pastor had turned you to the healing power of God instead of encouraging you to use God to try to manipulate her back to you.

 

Reading Job and his sufferings may provide some consolation.

 

I am sorry for your loss. It is very hard to see when you are in your early 20s etc. that there is a path back to happiness, and that you'll grow and change from all of this.

 

She is not the only answer in this life or the next to your happiness. And loss does take time to recover from. Sometimes, when we are not in the thick of loss, especially loss that feels unending, we forget how it feels so stunning and powerful. Most of us on the forums have been through at least a few hurtful and deep breakups. And we know there's an "other side" to them.

 

But since you haven't gotten to the other side of the desert yet, you can't see the oasis and the paradise at the other end.

 

It's coming. Your brain frankly won't let you be attached to this forever, not at this depth and level. Soon new experiences will eclipse the older ones in terms of who you are. And who you are literally changes moment to moment. It isn't a fixed point. Probably over the course of six or so months, as long as you don't INVEST and FUEL an obsession with the relationship, and what it was, it will become a part of your past experience.

 

What can you take from it going forward? That's the real challenge.

 

And now, even though it doesn't feel like a great thing right now, you have developed empathy for those who have experienced a deep loss like you have. You know it isn't trivial and you know how deep their pain goes. At some point, you may be a great ally to someone in great pain themselves one day.

[Venn]

I forgot to tell our pastor the whole story. I made him read my post from here and began to understand the situstion. And added more explanation... the real reason why she broke up with me is because of my attendance at church and the feeling that as if she was the only reason why I go to church... that was in September. Now my pastor explained to me. If only I loved God first, only then would she still hsve been mine. ROCK BOTTOM TRUTH ;'(. My eyes have finally been open. ;'( God had taken her away from me in order for me to realize that I should love God first rather than love my girlfriend first... because my ex is really wants to have a partner who loves God more rather than a person. ;'z its a huge loss that I will be facing. Only Thing I can do is pray and let time heal ;'(

[K2z]

Don't bring God or the pastor into this. I think frankly your pastor is giving you some real bent advice on this, by the way.

 

What you need to do at this moment, if you are indeed so religious, is begin to love yourself. If your own house is not in order there is no way you can be of service to anyone else, be it the woman or the church.

 

Get yourself sane and stable, and if that means going somewhere in the mountains to think for a while then so be it.

 

No generous and loving God would seek for you to kill yourself, or compromise your basic dignity. None of this anxiety, self doubt, and self loathing can possibly be considered a fruit of the spirit.

 

Get back to Christian basics for a week or so: ask yourself "How can I SERVE?" Volunteer somewhere. Feed the hungry, clean up in a homeless shelter, minister to those who are in true and desperate need. That's what a generous and loving God commands you to do-- not to rummage around in your own navel for what you did wrong. And it will definitely put things in perspective a bit, even if the process is raw and lonely.

[Venn]

Maybe talk some wrong things she did to make myself feel better? ;'( although it does seem like im the bad guy here ;'(

[d0nnivain]

She knows that its me and shes annoyed at how Im showing old pictures of us and me making movie maker presentations of us being together from way back...

 

 

You really need to leave her alone. Whoever said you may end up with a restraining order against you if you don't stop is spot on

 

 

It's like you keep picking at a scab, refusing to let it heal. You have to stop if you have any hope of getting better.

 

 

 

I forgot to tell our pastor the whole story. I made him read my post from here and began to understand the situstion. And added more explanation... the real reason why she broke up with me is because of my attendance at church and the feeling that as if she was the only reason why I go to church... that was in September. Now my pastor explained to me. If only I loved God first, only then would she still hsve been mine. ROCK BOTTOM TRUTH ;'(. My eyes have finally been open. ;'( God had taken her away from me in order for me to realize that I should love God first rather than love my girlfriend first... because my ex is really wants to have a partner who loves God more rather than a person. ;'z its a huge loss that I will be facing. Only Thing I can do is pray and let time heal ;'(

 

 

No you didn't. You LIED by omission to your pastor in the hopes that he would tell you what you wanted to hear. By leaving out important details, you know he'd tell you to continue chasing her. You knew if he knew the whole story that he'd tell you to stop.

 

 

God did not take your GF away as punishment because you loved her more then God. God has more important things to do then meddle in your relationship. The idea that he would punish you for such a thing negates the all important concept of free will.

 

 

You are either misinterpreting what your pastor is saying to you or the guy is warped.

 

 

Anyway your last sentence is the most important, you have to stop contacting your EX & put all of your energy into healing. Until you do, you will be stuck in misery . . . a hell of your own making.

 

 

Nothing about your situation was or is healthy. Put it in the past & move on.

 

 

Where are your parents in all of this? Since they didn't like you dating this girl in the 1st place, I expect they would be a huge source of support in your break up. Turn to them.

[keiji]

I forgot to tell our pastor the whole story. I made him read my post from here and began to understand the situstion. And added more explanation... the real reason why she broke up with me is because of my attendance at church and the feeling that as if she was the only reason why I go to church... that was in September. Now my pastor explained to me. If only I loved God first, only then would she still hsve been mine. ROCK BOTTOM TRUTH ;'(. My eyes have finally been open. ;'( God had taken her away from me in order for me to realize that I should love God first rather than love my girlfriend first... because my ex is really wants to have a partner who loves God more rather than a person. ;'z its a huge loss that I will be facing. Only Thing I can do is pray and let time heal ;'(

 

I'm no one to question anybody's beliefs, but are you talking seriously? I find it hard to understand that someone pins a breakup down to God's designs. It's a sure path to avoiding the reality of it all.

[Chi townD]

The REAL reason she broke up with you is because of your attendance at Church?

 

 

That is the most stupid and lamest excuse I've ever heard of to break up with someone.

 

 

I never knew that the ONLY relationship I can have with God is through the church. That it needs to be through the church or nothing at all.

 

 

Dude, if she's using that as her excuse, then let her continue to lie to herself and to you. But you move on with your life.

[Venn]

You really need to leave her alone. Whoever said you may end up with a restraining order against you if you don't stop is spot on

 

 

It's like you keep picking at a scab, refusing to let it heal. You have to stop if you have any hope of getting better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

No you didn't. You LIED by omission to your pastor in the hopes that he would tell you what you wanted to hear. By leaving out important details, you know he'd tell you to continue chasing her. You knew if he knew the whole story that he'd tell you to stop.

 

 

God did not take your GF away as punishment because you loved her more then God. God has more important things to do then meddle in your relationship. The idea that he would punish you for such a thing negates the all important concept of free will.

 

 

You are either misinterpreting what your pastor is saying to you or the guy is warped.

 

 

Anyway your last sentence is the most important, you have to stop contacting your EX & put all of your energy into healing. Until you do, you will be stuck in misery . . . a hell of your own making.

 

 

Nothing about your situation was or is healthy. Put it in the past & move on.

 

 

Where are your parents in all of this? Since they didn't like you dating this girl in the 1st place, I expect they would be a huge source of support in your break up. Turn to them.

 

It's because I thought he knew the whole situation already. But he did not. When I said that she had moved on, I thought he already got the idea... of course he did tell me to move on and find a better girl. But ever since he saw that video of us being intimate, he felt that the relationship was a great loss... and told me to fight.

 

My parents? the're tired of me whining and everytime I mention her, they get mad.

 

Also, its not creepy. she knows that its me immediately because of our old profile pic together in the account. so not so anonymous actually.

[d0nnivain]

... of course he did tell me to move on and find a better girl. But ever since he saw that video of us being intimate, he felt that the relationship was a great loss... and told me to fight.

 

My parents? the're tired of me whining and everytime I mention her, they get mad.

 

 

You showed your pastor a sex tape of you and your EX?!!! WTF? I don't even have words.

 

 

Ask your parents to help you. Don't just whine about your EX. Tell them you are hurting & could they please help you get over her.

[PLT]

Bit of tough love I'm afraid.

 

Don't EVER give someone so much power over you that you don't want to carry on living.

 

My father committed suicide when I was a teenager. It tore my entire world apart. I, my siblings, and even our children's lives have been affected by it. The ripples don't just stop when the immediate agony starts to subside.

 

It has affected me, now in my 40's, in ways I cannot even begin to describe as it's a ripple effect. One that never stops. It has affected my life choices, my career choices, my relationship choices, and my parenting choices.

 

Do you want the people who DO love you more than anyone else in the world just because YOU are YOU to have to go through that?

 

Just don't.

[dreamingoftigers]

Maybe talk some wrong things she did to make myself feel better? ;'( although it does seem like im the bad guy here ;'(

 

Hoky cow. You aren't "the bad guy."

 

You are the guy really having a hard time with this though.

 

And frankly, I think the advice you received from you pastor about chasing her all the way up the altar is pretty dangerous considering how you've been in enough pain to want to end your life over it.

 

You are both relatively young people. A lot of young-people relationships are far from perfect people making perfect decisions. I am not "vastly" older than you and my memories from that time period haven't faded.

 

The emotional fever-pitch that went from those moments did. (Thank goodness I can't imagine missing my old exes for the last decade).

 

I've now been married a decade come May and have my second child on the way.

 

But if you asked me April of 2005 of my life was over, ruined and broken I would have told you "yes, absolutely. If I can't be with N. A. (Exes' initials) then it is all downhill from here and I want to marry / have children with him and there is NO OTHER. EVER. EVER."

 

We had been together 3 years with a hiccup from him in the middle. He was a pretty intelligent guy and my ideal at the time. The breakup was handled very poorly and heart-wrenching. It was also six weeks before our planned wedding. Yay. Humiliation on top of abandonment.

 

 

Well.......May 27, 2005, I met my actual husband. Mere weeks before I actually would have been married.

May 28, 2006 we got married. And frankly, as much as my husband brought me to Loveshack.......it is still a heck of an upgrade to my ex.

 

I saw him on Facebook maybe six months back and I am REALLY glad he and I did not marry. My husband is really a much better match for me and I am happier and more free to be myself and explore different aspects of my personality with him. Plus, to be brutally honest: kids with my ex probably would have looked like circus freaks. We didn't have features that would've worked well together. And I have a really cute little daughter with my husband. Her personality is so fun and silly too. Suck a neat reflection of his sense of humor.

 

My ex might have been a more "rigid / stable" type father. More traditional. But my husband very much concerns himself with spending quality time with our daughter and looking after her emotional well-being. Her really dedicates himself to her having a good childhood. That isn't to say my husband is the pinnacle of perfection. (Oh Lord no. Neither am I). But he is, I would say three to four times the father my ex would have been, hands down. No questions asked. We have our second child on the way.

 

You didn't lose your gf because you are "an imperfect guy." God didn't hide her away from you because of that. God didn't say, "oh no girlfriend for you." (There are LOTS of idiots with girlfriends. Heck, there are LOTS of MARRIED IDIOTS with girlfriends.).

 

God did give everyone choices and agency. (If you so believe in God). And she's a person with choices just like you. Free to make good choices, have feelings, screw-up and otherwise do whatever the heck she wants to or feels is necessary. She chose to be done. She did. Maybe she prayed over it, I don't know. Maybe she got sick of it, who knows?

 

But this isn't some "divine punishment or withholding" for a lack of spiritual fortitude.

 

It's a chance to discover that your heavenly father loves you despite whatever screw-ups and whomever your Earthly friends are. Let's face it, you aren't at "fault" for every circumstance in your life, be it good or bad. But you are responsible for your choices on how to respond to it and the consequences of those actions.

 

The Bible teaches us a certain set of responses to dealing with troubling circumstances as NO ONE is granted immunity from bad things happening by being "spiritually purer" than the next guy. We are told the even on our darkest hours, he has not left us to rot on our own. That's the really important part. Not that we are "unworthy of love or consideration" because we screwed something up.

[dreamingoftigers]

By the way, Your Heavenley Father wants you to find some joy and peace in this life and next, even if you are a "tax collector."

 

I mean how much more blunt could it get?

[RRM321]

somebody tell me their honest feelings about me and my ex... please T.T

 

You are both too young to be in a "relationship" and while you are too close to realize it - this is not the thing you are lacking.

 

The truth is - she is not special, save but the fact that you chose to single her out and make her special in a world of over 7 billion people.

 

Are you truly suicidal or are you controlling? What bothers you more: breathing - or the inability to control the outcome?

 

If it's the former then call a hotline. If it's the latter then open your eyes and look at something larger than yourself.

[dreamingoftigers]

NO... ahh. here I'll just show you the link. its just a movie maker presentation of pics of us.

 

here

 

[link redacted]

 

Okay. I actually went and peeked.

 

But I will say this: playing that over and over to yourself and her will REALLY not help you see the forest for the trees.

 

You see, we humans fend to not photograph that "gigantic fight" we had the other day with our partner.

 

We photograph the cutesy happy moments.

We don't film the nasty things we say or do to one another and share it across Facebook. If we did that, we probably would not get so fixated on how "perfect" our exes were.

 

Plus you have no idea who she becomes in the next decade. Frankly when I saw my exes' profile on FB, I was SHOCKED. So different from what I had envisioned. Then I realized that, really, he was a product of his family and that none of how he turned out was really that "shocking." He's not a train-wreck or anything (that I could tell). Just .....erm......he would have theoretically been like a pretty typical traditional Mormon dude.

 

But I can see that I would NOT have been happy past a couple of years and probably spent a long time praying to "please get happy, and why am I in such a slump?" I would have been bored out of my mind with him after a certain point. He wasn't into "having me work." And I remember thinking "um, what?" And this was just before the wedding. I was raised very differently. That you work, you take care of yourself etc. There wasn't a "get out of work free and pop out a bunch of kids" card. Plus my fertility at the time was doubtful.

 

My husband though, is effortlessly progressive. It is only as I've gotten into my 30s that I realize how many people in my age group are so...um...set in more rigid ways regarding gender. I've been fortunate to find a man who shares similar gender values to the ones I do. I would have been very unhappy, in fact it would have been a perpetual conflict to live with my ex. But I didn't fully realize it at the time.

 

Furthermore, my ex was largely done his travels. Just wanted to settle and be a homebody. I was 22 and had lots of things I still wanted to see. Ex was very much an either / or thinker. We would be "travellers" or "homebodies" not "people who occasionally travelled. Etc.

 

Well, my husband and I went to 36 states, all ten provinces, 2 of 3 territories, and France. We went far, far, far off the beaten paths and have travelled in unique ways instead of just fly in / spend a weekend in a tourist trap / fly out. I learned so much more about people and the world around me than I EVER would have with my ex. My husband is also VERY resourceful and good with people.

 

My ex never wanted to be present for the birth of our children. My husband wouldn't have it any other way and in fact, assisted with me pushing at the end of our daughter's birth. To me, my husband is a real man.

 

But we often can't see the class in our exes when we are grieving their loss.

 

Truth be told, my husband is a flawed man too as much as I sing his praises here. We ALL are flawed people with flawed relationships. If my husband were to leave or pass away, I would deeply grieve him for a long time. But I also know that I've gained things in myself from our relationship and that eventually, the hurt will fade, the good stuff I got will remain and that I will feel okay again.

 

But if I spent day after day hovering at my husband's gravesite or pulling up our wedding album after he's moved on, it doesn't do anything but wound. It doesn't give honour to the relationship, it bathes in the loss of the fantasy of the relationship. If you are regularly bathing in the loss and grief of the relationship, in limbo, without direction away from it..... It makes it VERY difficult to recover from. It also makes it next to impossible to open yourself up to WHATEVER comes next in life, be it better or worse. By focussing on your last gf, you don't get to find your next one, which could be your wife, for instance.

 

Some of that knowledge only comes with age and experience.

Edited April 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Venn]

Okay. I actually went and peeked.

 

But I will say this: playing that over and over to yourself and her will REALLY not help you see the forest for the trees.

 

You see, we humans fend to not photograph that "gigantic fight" we had the other day with our partner.

 

We photograph the cutesy happy moments.

We don't film the nasty things we say or do to one another and share it across Facebook. If we did that, we probably would not get so fixated on how "perfect" our exes were.

 

Plus you have no idea who she becomes in the next decade. Frankly when I saw my exes' profile on FB, I was SHOCKED. So different from what I had envisioned. Then I realized that, really, he was a product of his family and that none of how he turned out was really that "shocking." He's not a train-wreck or anything (that I could tell). Just .....erm......he would have theoretically been like a pretty typical traditional Mormon dude.

 

But I can see that I would NOT have been happy past a couple of years and probably spent a long time praying to "please get happy, and why am I in such a slump?" I would have been bored out of my mind with him after a certain point. He wasn't into "having me work." And I remember thinking "um, what?" And this was just before the wedding. I was raised very differently. That you work, you take care of yourself etc. There wasn't a "get out of work free and pop out a bunch of kids" card. Plus my fertility at the time was doubtful.

 

My husband though, is effortlessly progressive. It is only as I've gotten into my 30s that I realize how many people in my age group are so...um...set in more rigid ways regarding gender. I've been fortunate to find a man who shares similar gender values to the ones I do. I would have been very unhappy, in fact it would have been a perpetual conflict to live with my ex. But I didn't fully realize it at the time.

 

Furthermore, my ex was largely done his travels. Just wanted to settle and be a homebody. I was 22 and had lots of things I still wanted to see. Ex was very much an either / or thinker. We would be "travellers" or "homebodies" not "people who occasionally travelled. Etc.

 

Well, my husband and I went to 36 states, all ten provinces, 2 of 3 territories, and France. We went far, far, far off the beaten paths and have travelled in unique ways instead of just fly in / spend a weekend in a tourist trap / fly out. I learned so much more about people and the world around me than I EVER would have with my ex. My husband is also VERY resourceful and good with people.

 

My ex never wanted to be present for the birth of our children. My husband wouldn't have it any other way and in fact, assisted with me pushing at the end of our daughter's birth. To me, my husband is a real man.

 

But we often can't see the class in our exes when we are grieving their loss.

 

Truth be told, my husband is a flawed man too as much as I sing his praises here. We ALL are flawed people with flawed relationships. If my husband were to leave or pass away, I would deeply grieve him for a long time. But I also know that I've gained things in myself from our relationship and that eventually, the hurt will fade, the good stuff I got will remain and that I will feel okay again.

 

But if I spent day after day hovering at my husband's gravesite or pulling up our wedding album after he's moved on, it doesn't do anything but wound. It doesn't give honour to the relationship, it bathes in the loss of the fantasy of the relationship. If you are regularly bathing in the loss and grief of the relationship, in limbo, without direction away from it..... It makes it VERY difficult to recover from. It also makes it next to impossible to open yourself up to WHATEVER comes next in life, be it better or worse. By focussing on your last gf, you don't get to find your next one, which could be your wife, for instance.

 

Some of that knowledge only comes with age and experience.

 

thanks for sharing your experience dreamingoftigers... actually friends from church, and family (cousins aunts and uncles) have been repeating this of what you say... what is really hard to accept is the regret part... you know someone is supposed to be worth fighting for back then but everything is too late because I showed to her that she was replaceable... when someone shows to you that you were replaceable, then of course you would choose the new guy that is courting you right now... instead of grabbing a chance to win back my ex of 6 years I instead fought for this new girl that wasn't worth fighting for because she used me to cheat her current bf... she used me to two time... now... when I tried to win back my ex, its already too late... she's already moved on because of what I did... the "regrets" is the hardest thing to accept... if only I don't have these REGRETS, and knowing that she wasn't worth fighting for in the beginning, then of course moving on was going to be easy... people say that the ones with the largest regrets are the ones that are harder and longer to move on. This is what I am afraid of... there is nothing bad that can be said about my girlfriend... I know that she had mistakes of her own... it's jsut me that had the biggest mistake that I made. ;'( and I'll never forget it. ;'(

[Venn]

I've recently been finding women to date on omegle. and some christian websites as well... it kinda helped but... I don't know how this will last long... seeing as I'm still hurt with my ex ;'(. Stil doesn't work fully.