elaine567 Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 are you blind? clearly OP isn't find that feature of her man attractive! So attractive she is considering dumping him after finding out his high number... 2
lino Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 Do us a favor, and don't profess what "men" do. I am a man. I don't take it when I can get it, and know many, many other men who do not either. Thank you. X 1000 I can only imagine how different this thread would be if a man was saying he just found out his 27-year-old gf had had ~100 previous partners ... I think OP came on here for support, and not to be told how wrong she is. Smh Indeed it would be different. The male OP would be raked over the coals. Words like insecure, controlling, etc would be thrown around and the classic 'the past is the past' phrase would be in every 2nd response as well as the 'you should leave her so she can be with someone more respectful and secure with himself.' Don't see any of that here. This is why I should never ask a woman I wanted to date what her number is. Even over 20 years 100 is so high to me. You mean you're not comfortable being the lucky number 101 to enter the hallway? You're insecure!!! I feel so mentally screwed just by reading this! I can't digest this! how and where those guys get those women? I doubt many women sleep with 100 men. so how does the math work? those 100 woman sleep with 1000 men? The math works like this - many women are happy to be the side action for a highly desired married/involved man. In fact most of them would prefer that than to be the entire world of a normal, good man who would never even contemplate cheating on her, all because a dozen other women aren't also chasing that man. 2
lino Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 Kudos to the OP for being turned off by this and considering leaving this guy. People who sleep around so recklessly aren't relationship material for those who don't. They should stick to each others kind!
angel.eyes Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 are you blind? clearly OP isn't find that feature of her man attractive! He's so wrapped up in his personal fairytale of what makes a man attractive, that he's blind to reality. 1
VintageWine Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 Yes, I do love him. But the new information that has come to light has made him appear incredibly seedy to me, so I'm very upset. It's a notion I didn't have before, being blessedly ignorant. Numbers in triple digits to me suggest something just isn't right there and something to be on guard about. It's not a technicality, it's a major difference in our value system. You've been with this guy for two years, in my eyes as someone who has never had a relationship go past that time span, that's amazing. His past is over and is long gone. His past can't be changed, just because someone had sex with a lot of people in his/her past, whatever a lot is to you, in this case 100, it doesn't mean anything. It just means that they love sex. If you're with someone that's so great, why end it because of their past? You're not with the person from years ago, you're with the person in the present, that's the only thing that matters right now. Forget that fact that it's sex, however, how would you feel if he judged you based off of your past self after 2 years of being together? Of course some part of you would understand, however, what about that hurt side of you? Leave his past where it belongs, in the past. I personally think you should be happy that you're in his present, that you should accept it and if you can't accept it then you know what you gotta do. Personally when dating someone I'm really interested in, I always tell them about my sexual history, I know that it shouldn't matter, however, some can't seem to let the past go which is understandable. I tell them because they will either accept it or not. Also, I rather date people that are accepting of my past and leaving it there. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 I detect a conflict in values. I agree. Low-number and high-number people are on different wavelengths about sex. You might be able to respect and understand your differences, but that takes a lot of sustained graciousness, which is difficult for most people to do. It's tough because you just found out, but you've been together for 2 years and just moved in together. What's your intuition saying? 3
William Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 Folks, let's keep this thread focused on the thread starter's personal issue. More general discussion of sexual partner numbers and related topics can be covered in our Sex forum at this link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/337605-what-s-your-sexual-partner-number-general-number-discussion-6.html#post6797781 I moved a few posts to bump the thread up. Thanks!
elaine567 Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 If you're with someone that's so great, why end it because of their past? You're not with the person from years ago, you're with the person in the present, that's the only thing that matters right now. No-one can separate the past from the present that neatly, what if she had just found out "in the past" he had been in prison, was a thief, beat up old ladies...? A high number of sexual partners revealed, to some is nowhere near the severity of those other revelations, but to others they may find it easier to live with the fact he had been a thief, for example, than have to try and process his sexual promiscuity. Our past, whilst we may like others to discount it and see the person we are today, actually often tends to define us, whether we like it or not. The OP needs to now decide whether she can live with a man who has slept with around 100 partners or not. A man who decided to keep that fact hidden from her for 2 years, leaving her to find out from his "mates", who were most likely all aware. 1
Author ladyvino Posted February 25, 2016 Author Posted February 25, 2016 Why are you guys insisting on them having different values when she admitted pages ago she envies him and deep down wants to break up to go explore this meaningless sex for herself?? It's not about him It's about her not being ready to settle down. I'm sorry. I know you really, really want to believe that, because you can't accept that people have boundaries and preferences, but that's not true. The honest, pure truth is that I am disgusted by his past behaviour. That is it. No more, no less. 2
angel.eyes Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 Since it's a deal breaker, best to break up with him. I know it's hard when you've invested two years in a relationship, but at the end of the day, your values are diametrically opposed. It's too bad that it took two years to learn this, but at least you found out before things progressed even further. 1
bathtub-row Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 (edited) I think this information about a bf of mine would completely, 100%, change my view of him, and it would be a total dealbreaker. There would be no way for me to get past it. Sleeping with anywhere near 100 people, no matter what a person's age, is simply being far too promiscuous for my taste. It speaks volumes about a person. The only thing is, I would've asked this question a long time ago. I don't think there's any reason to think you missed out on anything by not sleeping with more men. Life is not about how many people we can land in bed. To me, it's more of a quality thing vs a quantity thing. OP, if you end this relationship and date someone new, please be sure you ask about their past at least a month or two into the relationship. It is not smart to not ask. Even if you didn't know this about your bf and ended up marrying him, it would not be good to be in the dark about such a thing. Edited February 25, 2016 by bathtub-row 1
Toodaloo Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 How do you 100 is even remotely accurate? People do exaggerate greatly, especially if they're joking. No "some" people/ men/ women etc exagerate... I have been slapped for that several times over the last few days so just sharing it about Do us a favor, and don't profess what "men" do. I am a man. I don't take it when I can get it, and know many, many other men who do not either. Thank you. Vino has taken quite the beating on this thread so I am just popping back to say hope it works out. Each to their own and all that. If she can't live with it she can't live with it. It is that simple.
PrettyEmily77 Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 I'm sorry. I know you really, really want to believe that, because you can't accept that people have boundaries and preferences, but that's not true. The honest, pure truth is that I am disgusted by his past behaviour. That is it. No more, no less. That in itself is ground enough to leave, IMO. My brother has a similar past to your BF (not sure about actual numbers) but it has never been a secret. He has always been straightforward about it; it was mostly in his very early to mid-twenties and that earned him a bit of a rep, and has straight up told all his two LTR GFs and his now wife from the very start. Once in a committed R however, he acts like a committed partner so it would be really unfair to label every high number guy (or woman) as lacking in morals - it's simply not the case. I know other men like him and I also know enough low number men/women with poor morals and values so it's really a case by case thing. The concerning thing for me is that even if he didn't want to discuss actual nimbers (which I understand), he should at least have given some sort of an indication as to his views on sex.
salparadise Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 (edited) PM me your soon to be ex boyfriends number... Reason being that proud ppl almost always inflate the number, and ashamed ppl are likely to lighten it. (Due to social norms it usually tends to be men who inflate and women who deflate, but not always.) I haven't read all twelve pages, and I'm sure my perspective must've been covered in this many posts but I'm going to express it anyway... [] I'd be willing to bet on a several things relating to all of this: a) if OP dumps him and decides she wants a guy of similar quality, it's going to be hard to find one without a relatively high number. She better be prepared to compromise on other qualities. Or maybe select a nice bible-thumping religious fundamentalist... nah, they tend to pluck from the flock. Maybe a good-looking autistic guy would fit the bill. b) If she cuts him loose she's going to have to deal with the fact that he's going to bang all of her friends... until he ends up with a new smokin' hot girlfriend, and she just might regret that decision every time she make a bid on another five-percenter who's willing to bang her but has no interest in a relationship. c) And as she make bid after bid, guess who else's number starts to grow... OP, my contention is that the rationale of differing values is flawed. You've protected your virtue, he has demonstrated himself a worthy male. There is nothing out of whack here. If he conducts himself as a faithful partner, you may very well have hit five-percenter lotto. I think you'd be crazy to give him away to some other woman over this imaginary issue. Edited February 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Moved general content to consolidated numbers thread 3
elaine567 Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 I know this is a popular viewpoint among males usually, but I have yet to meet many women looking for commitment, who are looking specifically for a high number male as he is "genetically" superior or the top of the tree... I get the, no woman wants a man who has no assets or who is not that popular or who is shunned by most women, but there is a difference between a man who has had a "normal" number of relationships, and a man who has made a hobby out of notches on his belt. The response of "disgust", vocalised by the OP here, is, I would contend pretty common among women faced with that issue. BUT for a quickie on a Saturday night or NSA sex, then your "high value" male may have his uses. 3
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 I'm sorry. I know you really, really want to believe that, because you can't accept that people have boundaries and preferences, but that's not true. The honest, pure truth is that I am disgusted by his past behaviour. That is it. No more, no less. Then don't say things that can be misinterpreted or has double meaning. Sarcasm doesn't come across very well on a board. Then people waste their time debating something you 'didn't mean'. 1
ascendotum Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 In my opinion, men that view sex that casually are more likely to cheat. I have had many male friends over the years who have slept with high numbers of women (ONS, FWBs etc). They have cheated on pretty much every gf they ever had. Even girls that they said were "the one". These men are usually very charming and have high confidence so they attract many women along the way. Many women think that they will be "the one" to change them. They all fail of course. Now I am sure there are exceptions to this but get yourself tested just in case. Emotional wounds heal, STDs are forever. Quite a few of my friends who were womanizers, cheated, but there were also a couple who didn't (well as far as I knew). Of course it boils down to the character of the individual and I dont think you can paint all players as having the same personality traits and morals but I guess you can generalize a bit. The ones who cheated tended to have a bit of treat em mean keep em keen attitude, very confident, flirty & a bit sleazy, and if they lost a gf then 'no worries' there is plenty out there, and their notch count was important to their ego. If a guy has lots of options and is not ready to settle down yet, its still possible to sabotage the relationship a little down the line without having to cheat to get some fresh talent without compromising his values on cheating. A number of these guys will put hand on heart and swear they wont cheat now, and now that they are older and not so dick driven and more mature its quite likely true they haven't/wont cheat on their current gf/wife, but it was not the case for all past gfs. I guess it depends on what point in the players life that paths crossed as to whether outside temptations are too hard to resist maybe more so then the woman being extra special. As someone else mentioned a guy who has a very low count does not necessarily mean that person is a safe bet either especially if they have yolo regrets (same thing for a gf). As for being uncomfortable with your partner's high count, that's entirely up to the principles the OP lives her life by and whether she cares if her bf has the same principles. There will be plenty of advice and supporting examples arguing from either side of the fence of an issue like this. Its up to the OP to weigh it up in the terms of how much she believes this guy otherwise is a great catch and will be a great match for her and how much his promiscuity cancels out his good points. A factor would also be if this was a phase that took place a number of years back or if he was still clocking them up just prior to meeting the OP. 1
soleilesquire Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 Then don't say things that can be misinterpreted or has double meaning. Sarcasm doesn't come across very well on a board. Then people waste their time debating something you 'didn't mean'. Actually only one person did. How are you feeling about things today, OP? 2
Emilia Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 I know this is a popular viewpoint among males usually, but I have yet to meet many women looking for commitment, who are looking specifically for a high number male as he is "genetically" superior or the top of the tree... I get the, no woman wants a man who has no assets or who is not that popular or who is shunned by most women, but there is a difference between a man who has had a "normal" number of relationships, and a man who has made a hobby out of notches on his belt. The response of "disgust", vocalised by the OP here, is, I would contend pretty common among women faced with that issue. BUT for a quickie on a Saturday night or NSA sex, then your "high value" male may have his uses. Completely agree. I'm always amused when a high number man finds that I judge him for his mentality. I've been told that I must be a lesbian for not falling for their charms. While in fact they simply disgust me because I don't respect their excessive need for valudation. I have slept with high number men for something casual because I didn't concern myself the slightest regarding their feelings. Never dated one seriously though and never would. Edit: I don't care the slightest whether they would want a relationship with me because I don't feel respect towards them. 1
carhill Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 OP, if you're still reading, when you wrote this: I was in total shock and my boyfriend looked uneasy. Later, I asked him if that was accurate and he said "well... almost", but didn't want to discuss it further, so I left it. As related to the post above, where defensive reactions have occurred, like calling the woman a lesbian and such, what was your experience with your boyfriend? Other than the content offered here, what else? Did he offer that answer then leave it at that? Cast aspersions on you? Call you insecure? What? Nothing? Anything? This interaction underscores another aspect of interpersonal relations, especially since you're living together. Conflict resolution. How do you feel he handled it? You? 3
BlametheIrish Posted February 25, 2016 Posted February 25, 2016 (edited) [] I personally wouldn't date a guy with such high numbers as it makes me think that he would put his dick in most anything given the chance. If the roles were reversed in this thread I'm sure a lot of men would be telling the OP to dump the woman as she's been ridden hard and parked wet one to many times or something to that effect. Now if I was dating someone for two years after his number was revealed and for two years he had been treating me the way I deserved to be treated then I think I could get over it. I never discuss numbers with my significant other thougthibgs get really strained. Either way, good luck on your decision OP, only YOU know what's right for you. Edited February 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Topical content 1
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted February 27, 2016 Posted February 27, 2016 Well I'm sure him having hooked up with loads of women strongly influenced your attraction for him
elaine567 Posted February 27, 2016 Posted February 27, 2016 Well I'm sure him having hooked up with loads of women strongly influenced your attraction for him Erm... no. She didn't know he had hooked up with loads of woman and now she does, she is probably going to dump him...
elaine567 Posted February 27, 2016 Posted February 27, 2016 "Disgust" being the overwhelming reaction cited by the OP.
GoodOnPaper Posted February 27, 2016 Posted February 27, 2016 Erm... no. She didn't know he had hooked up with loads of woman and now she does, she is probably going to dump him... Yes, but it seems that the qualities that gave the OP's bf the opportunity to sleep with a hundred women - presumably looks, charm, seduction skills, etc. - are qualities the OP herself was attracted to. I may not be remembering correctly, but weren't there also a couple of recent ex-bfs who also had very high numbers? It is a quandary if low-number guys don't have sex appeal and the high-number guys have too high of a number because of the very sex appeal that the OP wants. Of course, this also works with the genders reversed, but I imagine that low-number-man/high-number-woman pairings are much less common than low-number-woman/high-number-man ones.
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