Disillusionment

February 29, 2016

Please Help!

OK, you asked for it.

I am in a state of shock and disillusionment.

That's an interesting word to use. Literally, it means the result of removing an illusion:

Dis - to remove

illusion - self explanatory

ment - suffix meaning the end product of something

I am a 29 year old woman who was just dumped by a 29 year old man last night. We dated for a month and a half but because of the intensity of the relationship and the connection I thought we had it felt like a year and a half. In the beginning he dove right in, I followed suit. He asked me to be his gf on the second date. He told me he loved me soon after. He showered my with compliments and affirmations, "You are everything I've ever needed or wanted in my life." "I've never felt so connected or so in love with someone." "You are the sweetest, kindest girl I've ever met." "Your so sexy, I want you all the time." "I would do anything for you." "I'll never hurt you.".....

All pretty standard stuff. But wait, because here it comes:

I did so much for him, I was a happy, bright source of support and love in his life. I made all of his meals for the week. Cooking for hours every Sunday. I cleaned his house. Did his dishes. He always told me how much he appreciated me. He adored how much I did for him, as any man would. I did it because I wanted to. I'm a very giving person (too giving when it comes to my heart) and because I thought I loved him, maybe I did.

There's some illusion that didn't quite get "dis"-ed. You were smothering him without knowing it. Yeah, the fruits of that kind of behavior are nice for a little while, but you know what? It starts to feel like a set of golden handcuffs. Stop doing that for people you've just met. It's not normal.

He wanted to me to move in with him (thank god I didnt, I tried to take it slower than he wanted), he gave me the keys to his house 2 weeks in, he filled his fridge with food I like, he wanted me at his house constantly, he called me 5 times a day. He took me on a trip for Valentine's day weekend. I made him wait 1 month before we had sex, its my rule. He was fine with that. The sex turned out to be great for him, so so for me. But overall he really had me convinced he was the one, he really sold me a dream...a dream he couldnt produce.

THE BREAK UP: Randomly on the phone last night we got into a minor disagreement. He blurted out "This isnt going to work." He said our opinions differ too much and we fought too much (We never fought), he said I was putting restraints on him, in terms of his social life which is wierd because I never denied him any chances to go out, also I've never been so agreeable and easy going in a relationship in my life. He was angry when he made this choice. I think he made a rash decision in the heat of the moment because everything was fine before the phone call and at the beginning of the phone call. I was in shock and I am not one to grovel so I said ok and we ended it at that.

Clearly, everything was not fine. He may not have even known why he was angry. He was being smothered, overwhelmed.

I searched for some logic in this mess, what I believe happened was this...His Mother left him when he was 10 years old, his Dad raised him and was very abusive. I think he has been damaged by his upbringing. I think once he got really close to me he got scared and ran away.

No. You weren't normal. You smothered him with kindness.

Yes, I am hurt. Yes I've been crying. But in reality I was not myself when I was with him. I felt I was not "allowed" to get in a bad mood (which we all do from time to time). I was too perfect around him. He never wanted to know about any parts of my that were less than perfect. His love for me, if it was real, was superficial.

Yep, because you barely knew him.

I would have ended up discontented in the end anyway. I actually do believe he meant the things he said to me, I think he really thought he loved me, maybe he did. I think in the end a switch flipped inside of him and something changed.

Yep. He started to get to know you. Not that you're bad, but he figured out real quick that you weren't his cup of tea.

***Let me make this clear...I am not one to stick around when I am not wanted. I deserve someone who wants to be with me, someone who loves me for me (even the not so pretty aspects). I have shut the door on him for good. He has been txting me;

-"We can still be friends honey"
-"I still want to hang out, I love your personality"
-"Think about it, I didnt want to hurt you in the long run."
-"Theres no reason why we cant talk. Please just txt me back."

- "My laundry's piling up."

- "I could use a hot meal."

- "Who's going to make my bed and turn the sheets?"

Jesus!

I never txted him back, nor will I ever txt him back or have any communication again. I'm going to his house tomorrow to pick up my stuff, he will be at work. I'm leaving his keys on the counter. I'm shutting the door for my own health.

***What I want to know is why did he break up with me, like I said its like a switch flipped and he just shut down so suddenly. I want to know not because I want him back, just because I need to put the pieces together.

I also want to know why he keeps txting me. And what do his txts mean??? Does he regret breaking up with me? I did alot for him, I really did. I gave him so much love and support.

And lastley, did he ever really love me?

No. Nor did you love him. Infatuated, yeah, probably. In love? No way. You barely knew each other.

I'm moving on... I just want some insight. The confusion and abrupt manner of his decision is making this more painful. I just need some clarity so I can keep moving forward. THANK YOU!!!

Don't mention it.

February 29, 2016

OK, you asked for it.That's an interesting word to use. Literally, it means the result of removing an illusion:
Dis - to remove
illusion - self explanatory
ment - suffix meaning the end product of something
All pretty standard stuff. But wait, because here it comes:There's some illusion that didn't quite get "dis"-ed. You were smothering him without knowing it. Yeah, the fruits of that kind of behavior are nice for a little while, but you know what? It starts to feel like a set of golden handcuffs. Stop doing that for people you've just met. It's not normal.Clearly, everything was not fine. He may not have even known why he was angry. He was being smothered, overwhelmed. No. You weren't normal. You smothered him with kindness.Yep, because you barely knew him.Yep. He started to get to know you. Not that you're bad, but he figured out real quick that you weren't his cup of tea.- "My laundry's piling up."
- "I could use a hot meal."
- "Who's going to make my bed and turn the sheets?"

Jesus!No. Nor did you love him. Infatuated, yeah, probably. In love? No way. You barely knew each other.Don't mention it.

I agree and thank you for giving to me straight. The only reason why I did so much for him was because he wanted me at his house constantly so I figured I might as well be of help.

Do you think even though I was at his place all the time I shouldnt have helped him out? Actually I probably just shouldnt have been at his house so much in the first place.

You mentioned I smothered him...I do have to kindly disagree with that because I never went to his house unless he wanted me there. When I would tell him I couldnt come over he would get upset. He was the one who called me 5 times a day and txted me constantly. I never called or txted him first. He loved that I did all that for him...probably because he was using me.

I know it wasnt normal that I did all that for him. (I wont repeat that mistake) At the time it felt normal because I really thought it was going somewhere. It was like the puzzle pieces fit together so well only for him to rip them apart. Dont get me wrong, Im glad its over. He was clearly not the one for me.

I'm looking at myself now. I'm looking at why it was so easy for him to play me like that (Another poster asked me that question)

It just still hurts alittle.

And yes looking back...I know I never loved him. He never loved me either.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Disillusionment373

March 1, 2016

I agree and thank you for giving to me straight. The only reason why I did so much for him was because he wanted me at his house constantly so I figured I might as well be of help.
Do you think even though I was at his place all the time I shouldnt have helped him out? Actually I probably just shouldnt have been at his house so much in the first place.

I don't really think that getting together with someone all the time is bad, but I do think that it is an indication that things aren't really going to last very long. When you're stuck together like glue too soon, things usually go south just as quickly as they started up. That said, there was no way you should have been doing this stuff:

I made all of his meals for the week.
Cooking for hours every Sunday.
I cleaned his house.
Did his dishes.

The only thing I might give on is if you were BOTH cooking for hours every Sunday because you BOTH love to cook. Then it's a date. Otherwise, it's a chore.

You mentioned I smothered him...I do have to kindly disagree with that because I never went to his house unless he wanted me there.
When I would tell him I couldnt come over he would get upset. He was the one who called me 5 times a day and txted me constantly. I never called or txted him first.

There's a big difference between going over there to gaze into each others' eyes, watch a movie, play chess, ****, do stuff together and

I made all of his meals for the week.
Cooking for hours every Sunday.
I cleaned his house.
Did his dishes.

If you can't see that, you're likely to spend another 29 years on this planet without a suitable mate.

He loved that I did all that for him...probably because he was using me.

Of course he loved it. That's what mothers do, and he didn't have one. You began to change your role way too early, and I'm pretty sure that's what he got angry about without even necessarily realizing it. I've had women somewhat like that, they just take over, and at first, yeah, it's great, but then it feels like you are incurring a debt, like you owe that person. Nobody wants a girl that they feel like they owe it to them to have them around.

I know it wasnt normal that I did all that for him. (I wont repeat that mistake)

Atta pepper! That's the spirit.

At the time it felt normal because I really thought it was going somewhere. It was like the puzzle pieces fit together so well only for him to rip them apart.

No they didn't. You were acting like the help. He should have been cleaning his own place so that you could come over and not think he was a slob. He should have stopped eating because all he could think about was you. It isn't normal. Never forget that.

Dont get me wrong, Im glad its over. He was clearly not the one for me.

I'm looking at myself now. I'm looking at why it was so easy for him to play me like that (Another poster asked me that question)
It just still hurts alittle.

And yes looking back...I know I never loved him. He never loved me either.

OK, I've earned my paycheck. Keep my good advice in mind.

March 1, 2016

They say that when you meet someone and feel like it’s love at first sight, run the other direction. All that’s happened is that your dysfunction has meshed with their dysfunction. Your wounded inner child has recognized their wounded inner child, both hoping to be healed by the same fire that burned them.

- Neil Strauss

March 1, 2016

My opinion is he waited around until he could bang you. He banged you a few times and made up some stupid unwarranted excuse to get rid of you. He probably had this planned for quite awhile. I don't see any other explanation. Trust your gut.

March 1, 2016

I don't really think that getting together with someone all the time is bad, but I do think that it is an indication that things aren't really going to last very long. When you're stuck together like glue too soon, things usually go south just as quickly as they started up. That said, there was no way you should have been doing this stuff:
The only thing I might give on is if you were BOTH cooking for hours every Sunday because you BOTH love to cook. Then it's a date. Otherwise, it's a chore.There's a big difference between going over there to gaze into each others' eyes, watch a movie, play chess, ****, do stuff together and
If you can't see that, you're likely to spend another 29 years on this planet without a suitable mate.Of course he loved it. That's what mothers do, and he didn't have one. You began to change your role way too early, and I'm pretty sure that's what he got angry about without even necessarily realizing it. I've had women somewhat like that, they just take over, and at first, yeah, it's great, but then it feels like you are incurring a debt, like you owe that person. Nobody wants a girl that they feel like they owe it to them to have them around.Atta pepper! That's the spirit.No they didn't. You were acting like the help. He should have been cleaning his own place so that you could come over and not think he was a slob. He should have stopped eating because all he could think about was you. It isn't normal. Never forget that. OK, I've earned my paycheck. Keep my good advice in mind.

Wow, come to think of it....he did feel "guilty" that I did so much for him. He felt like I was the help....OK I got it now, it wouldve been ok if I was over there to spend time with him and do things together...its not ok to be his mom.

I was just trying too hard, I felt like if he felt like he needed me he wouldnt let me go. But what ended up happening was the opposite...I smothered him...he felt guilty....I turned into his mom...and then he let me go.

Since the breakup I've learned this guy has some major problems so I'm glad its over but I will NEVER jump into a relationship so fast again nor will I become the help/mom again.

It took some convincing on my part but I understand now and wont repeat those mistakes. Thanks

March 1, 2016

- Neil Strauss

Great point. I'm glad I went through this because I always wanted a relationship that felt like fate from the start, after experiencing it I learned the flame goes out just as fast as it was lit. Our dysfunctions did attract us to each other... the end result was disillusionment and pain.

I'm learning to set boundaries, so when I feel I'm ready for another relationship hopefully things will be different because my boundaries will be clear.

March 1, 2016

My opinion is he waited around until he could bang you. He banged you a few times and made up some stupid unwarranted excuse to get rid of you. He probably had this planned for quite awhile. I don't see any other explanation. Trust your gut.

Yup I agree. I shouldve listened to my gut sooner. And ya I think sex played a role in things. I think he felt like I had the power until he had sex with me...then the power shifted to him. I think he wanted to control things....he wanted the power.

Hes been txting me things like,

-"Why wont you talk to me, I dont see the point, I dont know what your trying to prove."

-"Even though we didnt work out I still like you and want to be friends."

-"I didnt expect you to ignore me."

I didnt reply, nor will I ever again.

He probably wants to get laid or maybe he needs his dishes done.

March 1, 2016

Yup I agree. I shouldve listened to my gut sooner. And ya I think sex played a role in things. I think he felt like I had the power until he had sex with me...then the power shifted to him. I think he wanted to control things....he wanted the power.
Hes been txting me things like,
-"Why wont you talk to me, I dont see the point, I dont know what your trying to prove."
-"Even though we didnt work out I still like you and want to be friends."
-"I didnt expect you to ignore me."

I didnt reply, nor will I ever again.

He probably wants to get laid or maybe he needs his dishes done.

Dis....since you are unable to block.... I would suggest when you see a text come in....simply delete it without reading.

Before I got a phone that allowed for blocking, this is what I did. I had a riff with a gal at my old job who completely lost it, and sent me something like 20 scathing text messages in a row. They all went directly into my trash without opening or reading.

Just a suggestion, but again since you can't block, it's the next best thing.

You don't need to be reading his garbage... it's all BS anyway, and yeah my guess is he wants to remain friends so you'll cook his meals for him occasionally, and yeah do his dishes... lol

March 1, 2016

Let me guess, this guy was "hot" right? You bent over backwards and walked on eggshells because of this?

March 1, 2016

Dis....since you are unable to block.... I would suggest when you see a text come in....simply delete it without reading.

Before I got a phone that allowed for blocking, this is what I did. I had a riff with a gal at my old job who completely lost it, and sent me something like 20 scathing text messages in a row. They all went directly into my trash without opening or reading.

Just a suggestion, but again since you can't block, it's the next best thing.

You don't need to be reading his garbage... it's all BS anyway, and yeah my guess is he wants to remain friends so you'll cook his meals for him occasionally, and yeah do his dishes... lol

Hi katiegrl! Good to hear from you Yes I have been trying not to look at his texts but its tempting and sometimes I read them before I delete.

Every day that goes by I realize things about him that I shouldve seen. Disturbing things. One thing...its hard to describe but his eyes were dark. Most poeple have some kind of light in their eyes. But his eyes were vacant. I know it sounds really dumb and I know I'm not explaining it well but its something that almost gives me the chills when I think about it.

I dont know why I keep realizing these things. I dont know if its part of the process. Its confusing.

6 weeks of an intense connection...now silence.

March 1, 2016

Let me guess, this guy was "hot" right? You bent over backwards and walked on eggshells because of this?

He was good looking yes but he wasnt anymore attractive than me so no I didnt bend over backwards for him because of his looks.

March 1, 2016

He was good looking yes but he wasnt anymore attractive than me so no I didnt bend over backwards for him because of his looks.

Just checking. Normally when I've been infatuated with someone and lost all sense and reason and walked on eggshells it was because I was unknowingly paying attention to my ego in having someone who was quite attractive who bolstered it.

That is one of my personal failings where I end up "trying too hard." If there is any of that going on, well, this guy certainly isn't worth the games.

March 1, 2016

Just checking. Normally when I've been infatuated with someone and lost all sense and reason and walked on eggshells it was because I was unknowingly paying attention to my ego in having someone who was quite attractive who bolstered it.

That is one of my personal failings where I end up "trying too hard." If there is any of that going on, well, this guy certainly isn't worth the games.

No no, dont get me wrong, I did try too hard. But it wasnt because of his looks. I look back at it now and I got sucked in, but I liked getting sucked in. He was communicating with my constantly (he would call me the second I got back to my house from leaving his house) so I didnt have a second to stop and look at him for what he was...if I had time to do that I wouldve left. But I was infactuated with who I thought he was....the image he presented to me. He really mind f*cked me. But I let him so I have to take some of the blame.

March 1, 2016

Yup I agree. I shouldve listened to my gut sooner. And ya I think sex played a role in things. I think he felt like I had the power until he had sex with me...then the power shifted to him. I think he wanted to control things....he wanted the power

.
Hes been txting me things like,
-"Why wont you talk to me, I dont see the point, I dont know what your trying to prove."
-"Even though we didnt work out I still like you and want to be friends."
-"I didnt expect you to ignore me."

I didnt reply, nor will I ever again.

He probably wants to get laid or maybe he needs his dishes done.

Dis, honestly, I think he's a sociopath. He dumped you cold and then sends this crap?

He has zero empathy nor could he give two shyts how you might be feeling or how sending you this crap would affect you.

He is scary and dangerous and should be off the streets...I am not kidding.

Please delete this texts when they come in (without reading).

My fear is you are gonna be feeling vulnerable and lonely one day, a text will come in, something that will stir your emotions and you will fall back under his sick spell.

I am worried for you, this man could do some major MAJOR emotional damage if you're not careful.

March 1, 2016

Dis, honestly, I think he's a sociopath. He dumped you cold and then sends this crap?

He has zero empathy nor could he give two shyts how you might be feeling or how sending you this crap would affect you.

He is scary and dangerous and should be off the streets...I am not kidding.

Please delete this texts when they come in (without reading).

My fear is you are gonna be feeling vulnerable and lonely one day, a text will come in, something that will stir your emotions and you will fall back under his sick spell.

I am worried for you, this man could do some major MAJOR emotional damage if you're not careful.

Thank you! Yes, thats my point in all this. I think he has a personality disorder.. borderline, narcissitic, or hes a sociopath. And that fact that he "love bombed" me then discarded me is something I'm still reeling from.

Going through that hasnt damaged me but its really hurt me to my core. And like I said his eyes were so vacant, so dark. His temper, so unpredictable. His "love" for me, so intense. His decision to dump me so abrupt and heartless. And now his txts??? I dont think he has any emotion at all.

Dont worry though, I'm actually literally scared of him and I truly mean it when I say I will never speak to him again. I'm just still trying to make sense of everything so I can keep moving forward.

March 1, 2016

Him at 12:30am

-"can we please talk?"

-"please."

-"please?????"

Edited March 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
personal info ~T

March 1, 2016

Him at 12:30am

-"can we please talk?"
-"please."
-"please?????"

Delete, delete, delete. And it's time to change your number.

Edited March 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
personal info~T

March 1, 2016

Him at 12:30am

-"can we please talk?"
-"please."
-"please?????"

You are so damn lucky it was only 6 weeks! Let this piece of go. Delete his number.

Edited March 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
personal info ~T

March 1, 2016

Dis373, I hope to God you didn't fall for his latest crap.

See, this is precisely what I warned you about.

Please tell us you did NOT call him, cuz girl if you did, then, well, frankly and not to be mean, it would be difficult to have any sympathy for ya anymore.

Get a damn phone that blocks or change your number.

This is ridiculous.

Edited March 1, 2016 by katiegrl

March 1, 2016

Keep the quote below in mind during all of your trials and tribulations. I realize that even a brief relationship ending can be painful. I no longer let myself think what I went through is anything special. I'm no better than anyone else, and your pain can be as thorough and mind numbing as mine no matter the length of the relationship.

"You'll have bad times, but it will always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to."

~ Robin Williams (which movie it was I forget)

March 1, 2016

Dis... are you gonna update us and let us know what's going on?

Did you talk to him/see him/ are you back together with him?

March 2, 2016

Dis373, I hope to God you didn't fall for his latest crap.

See, this is precisely what I warned you about.

Please tell us you did NOT call him, cuz girl if you did, then, well, frankly and not to be mean, it would be difficult to have any sympathy for ya anymore.

Get a damn phone that blocks or change your number.

This is ridiculous.

Oh girl no need to worry The last thing you would have to worry about is me responding to him. Havent talked to him, never will again. I'm looking into getting a new phone this month. I've been burned once...I wont set myself up to get burned again.

March 2, 2016

Keep the quote below in mind during all of your trials and tribulations. I realize that even a brief relationship ending can be painful. I no longer let myself think what I went through is anything special. I'm no better than anyone else, and your pain can be as thorough and mind numbing as mine no matter the length of the relationship.

"You'll have bad times, but it will always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to."

~ Robin Williams (which movie it was I forget)

Thank you for that hun It was a very intense 6 weeks for sure....now silence and pain. But I'm ok. I'm strong willed and will never fall for his sh*t again

March 2, 2016

You are so damn lucky it was only 6 weeks! Let this piece of go. Delete his number.

Yup youre right. It was easy to let him go though. It was like something inside of me said "RUN!" Nothing he can do now will get a response out of me. Like I said, I'm strong willed and I will never allow him to enter my life again...I have too much respect for myself than that. I was stupid enough to get burned the first time, I'd never allow him the opportunity to hurt me again. The door is closed for good.

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