***Disillusionment***

[Dis]

Please Help!

 

I am in a state of shock and disillusionment. I am a 29 year old woman who was just dumped by a 29 year old man last night. We dated for a month and a half but because of the intensity of the relationship and the connection I thought we had it felt like a year and a half. In the beginning he dove right in, I followed suit. He asked me to be his gf on the second date. He told me he loved me soon after. He showered my with compliments and affirmations, "You are everything I've ever needed or wanted in my life." "I've never felt so connected or so in love with someone." "You are the sweetest, kindest girl I've ever met." "Your so sexy, I want you all the time." "I would do anything for you." "I'll never hurt you.".....

 

I did so much for him, I was a happy, bright source of support and love in his life. I made all of his meals for the week. Cooking for hours every Sunday. I cleaned his house. Did his dishes. He always told me how much he appreciated me. He adored how much I did for him, as any man would. I did it because I wanted to. I'm a very giving person (too giving when it comes to my heart) and because I thought I loved him, maybe I did.

 

He wanted to me to move in with him (thank god I didnt, I tried to take it slower than he wanted), he gave me the keys to his house 2 weeks in, he filled his fridge with food I like, he wanted me at his house constantly, he called me 5 times a day. He took me on a trip for Valentine's day weekend. I made him wait 1 month before we had sex, its my rule. He was fine with that. The sex turned out to be great for him, so so for me. But overall he really had me convinced he was the one, he really sold me a dream...a dream he couldnt produce.

 

THE BREAK UP: Randomly on the phone last night we got into a minor disagreement. He blurted out "This isnt going to work." He said our opinions differ too much and we fought too much (We never fought), he said I was putting restraints on him, in terms of his social life which is wierd because I never denied him any chances to go out, also I've never been so agreeable and easy going in a relationship in my life. He was angry when he made this choice. I think he made a rash decision in the heat of the moment because everything was fine before the phone call and at the beginning of the phone call. I was in shock and I am not one to grovel so I said ok and we ended it at that.

 

I searched for some logic in this mess, what I believe happened was this...His Mother left him when he was 10 years old, his Dad raised him and was very abusive. I think he has been damaged by his upbringing. I think once he got really close to me he got scared and ran away.

 

Yes, I am hurt. Yes I've been crying. But in reality I was not myself when I was with him. I felt I was not "allowed" to get in a bad mood (which we all do from time to time). I was too perfect around him. He never wanted to know about any parts of my that were less than perfect. His love for me, if it was real, was superficial. I would have ended up discontented in the end anyway. I actually do believe he meant the things he said to me, I think he really thought he loved me, maybe he did. I think in the end a switch flipped inside of him and something changed.

 

 

***Let me make this clear...I am not one to stick around when I am not wanted. I deserve someone who wants to be with me, someone who loves me for me (even the not so pretty aspects). I have shut the door on him for good. He has been txting me;

 

-"We can still be friends honey"

-"I still want to hang out, I love your personality"

-"Think about it, I didnt want to hurt you in the long run."

-"Theres no reason why we cant talk. Please just txt me back."

 

I never txted him back, nor will I ever txt him back or have any communication again. I'm going to his house tomorrow to pick up my stuff, he will be at work. I'm leaving his keys on the counter. I'm shutting the door for my own health.

 

***What I want to know is why did he break up with me, like I said its like a switch flipped and he just shut down so suddenly. I want to know not because I want him back, just because I need to put the pieces together.

 

I also want to know why he keeps txting me. And what do his txts mean??? Does he regret breaking up with me? I did alot for him, I really did. I gave him so much love and support.

 

And lastley, did he ever really love me?

 

I'm moving on... I just want some insight. The confusion and abrupt manner of his decision is making this more painful. I just need some clarity so I can keep moving forward. THANK YOU!!!

[CarrieT]

Six weeks of over-the-top intensity, exaltations of love, and stuff like "I've never felt so connected or so in love with someone" before the switch was flipped and you were dumped?

 

I say you dodged a bullet...

 

He sucked you in - hard and fast - and then pulled back, also hard and fast.

 

Don't try and be friends. Don't acknowledge his texts. Consider yourself lucky you figured this all out so early.

[266696687]

Please Help!

 

I am in a state of shock and disillusionment. I am a 29 year old woman who was just dumped by a 29 year old man last night. We dated for a month and a half but because of the intensity of the relationship and the connection I thought we had it felt like a year and a half. In the beginning he dove right in, I followed suit. He asked me to be his gf on the second date. He told me he loved me soon after. He showered my with compliments and affirmations, "You are everything I've ever needed or wanted in my life." "I've never felt so connected or so in love with someone." "You are the sweetest, kindest girl I've ever met." "Your so sexy, I want you all the time." "I would do anything for you." "I'll never hurt you.".....

 

I did so much for him, I was a happy, bright source of support and love in his life. I made all of his meals for the week. Cooking for hours every Sunday. I cleaned his house. Did his dishes. He always told me how much he appreciated me. He adored how much I did for him, as any man would. I did it because I wanted to. I'm a very giving person (too giving when it comes to my heart) and because I thought I loved him, maybe I did.

 

He wanted to me to move in with him (thank god I didnt, I tried to take it slower than he wanted), he gave me the keys to his house 2 weeks in, he filled his fridge with food I like, he wanted me at his house constantly, he called me 5 times a day. He took me on a trip for Valentine's day weekend. I made him wait 1 month before we had sex, its my rule. He was fine with that. The sex turned out to be great for him, so so for me. But overall he really had me convinced he was the one, he really sold me a dream...a dream he couldnt produce.

 

THE BREAK UP: Randomly on the phone last night we got into a minor disagreement. He blurted out "This isnt going to work." He said our opinions differ too much and we fought too much (We never fought), he said I was putting restraints on him, in terms of his social life which is wierd because I never denied him any chances to go out, also I've never been so agreeable and easy going in a relationship in my life. He was angry when he made this choice. I think he made a rash decision in the heat of the moment because everything was fine before the phone call and at the beginning of the phone call. I was in shock and I am not one to grovel so I said ok and we ended it at that.

 

I searched for some logic in this mess, what I believe happened was this...His Mother left him when he was 10 years old, his Dad raised him and was very abusive. I think he has been damaged by his upbringing. I think once he got really close to me he got scared and ran away.

 

Yes, I am hurt. Yes I've been crying. But in reality I was not myself when I was with him. I felt I was not "allowed" to get in a bad mood (which we all do from time to time). I was too perfect around him. He never wanted to know about any parts of my that were less than perfect. His love for me, if it was real, was superficial. I would have ended up discontented in the end anyway. I actually do believe he meant the things he said to me, I think he really thought he loved me, maybe he did. I think in the end a switch flipped inside of him and something changed.

 

 

***Let me make this clear...I am not one to stick around when I am not wanted. I deserve someone who wants to be with me, someone who loves me for me (even the not so pretty aspects). I have shut the door on him for good. He has been txting me;

 

-"We can still be friends honey"

-"I still want to hang out, I love your personality"

-"Think about it, I didnt want to hurt you in the long run."

-"Theres no reason why we cant talk. Please just txt me back."

 

I never txted him back, nor will I ever txt him back or have any communication again. I'm going to his house tomorrow to pick up my stuff, he will be at work. I'm leaving his keys on the counter. I'm shutting the door for my own health.

 

***What I want to know is why did he break up with me, like I said its like a switch flipped and he just shut down so suddenly. I want to know not because I want him back, just because I need to put the pieces together.

 

I also want to know why he keeps txting me. And what do his txts mean??? Does he regret breaking up with me? I did alot for him, I really did. I gave him so much love and support.

 

And lastley, did he ever really love me?

 

I'm moving on... I just want some insight. The confusion and abrupt manner of his decision is making this more painful. I just need some clarity so I can keep moving forward. THANK YOU!!!

 

Wow that's a bit of a shocker.

 

It's clearly his way or the highway. This guy is a bit disturbing. Now he has the audacity to text you that you can be friends?

 

I don't think he loved you. He love bombed you. He probably thought you was so very invested in him that you would accept what he was saying and beg him to stay.

 

His anger over something so minor suggests some much deeper issues that you haven't fully seen come out in him yet but you just got your first experience of it. Love bombing followed by discarding is the classic traits of an abusive relationship waiting to happen! He is now attempting to pull you back in.

 

Glad you have your head screwed on right. Do not give this guy the time of day!

[Dis]

Thank you so much for your reply. I guess I did dodge a bullet, I never thought of it that way. Youre right, it wouldve been worse if I had found out later. I think something is very wrong with him

[Dis]

Wow that's a bit of a shocker.

 

It's clearly his way or the highway. This guy is a bit disturbing. Now he has the audacity to text you that you can be friends?

 

I don't think he loved you. He love bombed you. He probably thought you was so very invested in him that you would accept what he was saying and beg him to stay.

 

His anger over something so minor suggests some much deeper issues that you haven't fully seen come out in him yet but you just got your first experience of it. Love bombing followed by discarding is the classic traits of an abusive relationship waiting to happen! He is now attempting to pull you back in.

 

Glad you have your head screwed on right. Do not give this guy the time of day!

 

Thank you SO much for that! Wow that was great insight. I agree with everything you said. It really was his way or the highway. And its scary to think it couldve turned into an abusive relationship, he did have a temper.

 

And THANK YOU.... Why would I txt him after that???

 

Now that you mention it I think you hit the nail on the head, he thought if he dumped me I'd beg him to stay...HA! What an idiot.

 

That door is closed.

[266696687]

Thank you SO much for that! Wow that was great insight. I agree with everything you said. It really was his way or the highway. And its scary to think it couldve turned into an abusive relationship, he did have a temper.

 

And THANK YOU.... Why would I txt him after that???

 

Now that you mention it I think you hit the nail on the head, he thought if he dumped me I'd beg him to stay...HA! What an idiot.

 

That door is closed.

 

Yeah the anger and temper is worrying particularly over something so minor.

 

Sudden bursts of anger (especially over minor things) are often used as a means of control. To prevent you ever bringing up or asking questions about a particular topic again. If you continued the relationship you would have second thoughts about bringing up this topic again because of his last angry outburst. So you'd avoid the conversation or never mention it again. It's a very classic manipulation technique along with the love bombing and unexpected breakup followed by continued contact. This guy definitely has some serious issues.

 

He is probably expecting to be able to worm his way back into your life (easily) so prepare yourself for more texts and phone calls. He will probably return to his love bombing to try to pull you back. When that doesn't work you'll probably find he'll start insulting you.

 

Go complete NC. Don't acknowledge any messages he sends. Even an angry reaction will encourage him.

[Dis]

Yeah the anger and temper is worrying particularly over something so minor.

 

Sudden bursts of anger (especially over minor things) are often used as a means of control. To prevent you ever bringing up or asking questions about a particular topic again. If you continued the relationship you would have second thoughts about bringing up this topic again because of his last angry outburst. So you'd avoid the conversation or never mention it again. It's a very classic manipulation technique along with the love bombing and unexpected breakup followed by continued contact. This guy definitely has some serious issues.

 

He is probably expecting to be able to worm his way back into your life (easily) so prepare yourself for more texts and phone calls. He will probably return to his love bombing to try to pull you back. When that doesn't work you'll probably find he'll start insulting you.

 

Go complete NC. Don't acknowledge any messages he sends. Even an angry reaction will encourage him.

 

Everything you just said really hit home with me. When he would do something that would upset me I felt like i couldnt bring it up, I felt like I couldnt express discontentment with anything because everytime I did he would get angry.

Come to think of it I was scared of him.

I felt like a robot, like I couldnt be human and have negative emotions because I was scared of his reaction.

I got mad at him (1 time) a week ago when we were in the car...he spun the car around and made a U turn and then said, "We're done b*tch"

You are very right about him. I'm just upset with myself that I didnt see it. He really did suck me in.

I will continue to ignore him. You really think he'll try to get me back though???

[DropCity]

Hi D-373, so sorry to read about your disheartening experience. I'm no expert but based on what you've described, I suspect that guy has a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or he's a Narcissist. (I sense the former over the latter.) Both disorders are similar in scope but different. If you read up on BPD it may give you better insight to the behavior, re-texting, any regret, etc... you're curious to. One thing you will discover is... RUN don't walk away from people with these personality problems!

 

As for whether he ever loved you? Maybe, but not the kind of healthy love you probably know or are used to.

 

Do remain NC, and do be careful retrieving your stuff back from this guy's house tomorrow. Stay safe and good luck!

[266696687]

Everything you just said really hit home with me. When he would do something that would upset me I felt like i couldnt bring it up, I felt like I couldnt express discontentment with anything because everytime I did he would get angry.

Come to think of it I was scared of him.

I felt like a robot, like I couldnt be human and have negative emotions because I was scared of his reaction.

I got mad at him (1 time) a week ago when we were in the car...he spun the car around and made a U turn and then said, "We're done b*tch"

You are very right about him. I'm just upset with myself that I didnt see it. He really did suck me in.

I will continue to ignore him. You really think he'll try to get me back though???

 

Once you've had some space from him. You will probably notice other things that you'd overlooked that were warnings.

 

You seem to be a very giving person which he probably noticed early on. You've picked up on his behaviour quickly which is great but it might be an idea to work on your personal boundaries as well.

 

Yes he most likely will. He is already attempting to reach you. It might be a good idea to block and delete him everywhere.

[DropCity]

...You really think he'll try to get me back though???

 

He very well may be doing that right now with his texts. If it was me, I'd hope this type of person wasn't trying to get me back... so I wouldn't have to deal with that anger you described all over again. Yikes!

[Dis]

Hi D-373, so sorry to read about your disheartening experience. I'm no expert but based on what you've described, I suspect that guy has a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or he's a Narcissist. (I sense the former over the latter.) Both disorders are similar in scope but different. If you read up on BPD it may give you better insight to the behavior, re-texting, any regret, etc... you're curious to. One thing you will discover is... RUN don't walk away from people with these personality problems!

 

As for whether he ever loved you? Maybe, but not the kind of healthy love you probably know or are used to.

 

Do remain NC, and do be careful retrieving your stuff back from this guy's house tomorrow. Stay safe and good luck!

 

Thank you so much for your reply. Great insight. Youre right...I do think there was something going on with him, some very deep rooted issues. I am going to google BPD right now and I'll let you know what I think. I know alittle about BPD and it seems to match up already. Trust me I will never go back to him. I'm done. A friend will be with me when I go to his house tomorrow. I'm alittle scared to go to tell you the truth. I will def let you know how it goes. Thank you so much for your concern

[Dis]

He very well may be doing that right now with his texts. If it was me, I'd hope this type of person wasn't trying to get me back... so I wouldn't have to deal with that anger you described all over again. Yikes!

 

The reason why I ask is because I'm scared he will not because I want him back. Youre right, his anger was frightening. I hope this isnt going to be a continuing issue. Thanks I'll keep you posted.

[Dis]

Once you've had some space from him. You will probably notice other things that you'd overlooked that were warnings.

 

You seem to be a very giving person which he probably noticed early on. You've picked up on his behaviour quickly which is great but it might be an idea to work on your personal boundaries as well.

 

Yes he most likely will. He is already attempting to reach you. It might be a good idea to block and delete him everywhere.

 

I just remebered one thing he said, after he said, "We're done bitch" He said , "Dont piss off a guy, guys have tempers and when we get mad we hit people, not that I would hit you but you know". Holy ****. I feel like such an idiot. How did I overlook that?????

[266696687]

The reason why I ask is because I'm scared he will not because I want him back. Youre right, his anger was frightening. I hope this isnt going to be a continuing issue. Thanks I'll keep you posted.

 

Look up BPD and narcissist as the above poster suggested.

 

Obviously you can't diagnose him but he may share some strong traits with what you read.

 

It'll also highlight the importance of having firm personal boundaries and provide you with information so that you can't overlook the warning signs if you / when you ever encounter them again. It's good information to have.

[Dis]

Look up BPD and narcissist as the above poster suggested.

 

Obviously you can't diagnose him but he may share some strong traits with what you read.

 

It'll also highlight the importance of having firm personal boundaries and provide you with information so that you can't overlook the warning signs if you / when you ever encounter them again. It's good information to have.

 

Thank you so much. I think when he said to me, "Dont piss off a guy, guys have tempers and when we get mad we hit people, not that I would hit you but you know" that was the only warning sign I needed.

[266696687]

Thank you so much. I think when he said to me, "Dont piss off a guy, guys have tempers and when we get mad we hit people, not that I would hit you but you know" that was the only warning sign I needed.

 

Yes but now that you are aware of it you need to focus on you and not his behaviour.

 

It's good to find out why you overlooked that at the time and continued the relationship with him.

 

It's by no means your fault but now you are aware you overlooked it you need to work on not allowing that to happen again.

 

Educate yourself. Learn the warning signs and implement firmer personal boundaries. Sometimes these situations highlight areas you need to work on.

Edited February 24, 2016 by 266696687

[Dis]

Yes but now that you are aware of it you need to focus on you and not his behaviour.

 

It's good to find out why you overlooked that at the time and continued the relationship with him.

 

It's by no means your fault but now you are aware you overlooked it you need to work on not allowing that to happen again.

 

Educate yourself. Learn the warning signs and implement firmer personal boundaries. Sometimes these situations highlight areas you need to work on.

 

Your right, and I know why I overlooked his comment. I overlooked it because I was scared to loose him despite of his behavior. I have a problem with codependence.

[266696687]

Your right, and I know why I overlooked his comment. I overlooked it because I was scared to loose him despite of his behavior. I have a problem with codependence.

 

Use this as a learning experience and thank your lucky stars it was a short relationship.

 

Maybe some counselling for you might help you work on that?

[DropCity]

The reason why I ask is because I'm scared he will not because I want him back. Youre right, his anger was frightening. I hope this isnt going to be a continuing issue. Thanks I'll keep you posted.

 

It is frustrating getting these mixed signals from people that clearly seem manipulative and/or controlling as 266696687 suggests.

 

I just remebered one thing he said, after he said, "We're done bitch" He said , "Dont piss off a guy, guys have tempers and when we get mad we hit people, not that I would hit you but you know". Holy ****. I feel like such an idiot. How did I overlook that?????

 

OMG, D-373! Imo... that's a clear signal that guy would hit you one day. Don't feel like an idiot about overlooking such a comment at the time. It happens when we're in a relationship that seems so right at the time. Negative thoughts get blocked. But as you're noticing... those thoughts breakthrough quickly once the relationship turns around.

 

Thanks for the thought about keeping us posted about safely getting your stuff back with your friend! ツ

[Dis]

Use this as a learning experience and thank your lucky stars it was a short relationship.

 

Maybe some counselling for you might help you work on that?

 

Last night I thought I was so upset that our relationship was over. Today I'm so grateful. Because of your insight I now know I am lucky enough to get out of something that couldve ended up very badly. I have a counsler I see when times get tough. I guess its time to make an appt.

[Dis]

It is frustrating getting these mixed signals from people that clearly seem manipulative and/or controlling as 266696687 suggests.

 

 

 

OMG, D-373! Imo... that's a clear signal that guy would hit you one day. Don't feel like an idiot about overlooking such a comment at the time. It happens when we're in a relationship that seems so right at the time. Negative thoughts get blocked. But as you're noticing... those thoughts breakthrough quickly once the relationship turns around.

 

Thanks for the thought about keeping us posted about safely getting your stuff back with your friend! ツ

 

Just wanted to say thank you SO much for your insight. Until I heard your opinion I wasnt aware of dangers I was facing with him. I'm considering myself lucky now, not sad. This has changed everything. I'll make sure to update you all tomorrow.

[266696687]

Just wanted to say thank you SO much for your insight. Until I heard your opinion I wasnt aware of dangers I was facing with him. I'm considering myself lucky now, not sad. This has changed everything. I'll make sure to update you all tomorrow.

 

Just a last piece of advice.

 

Whatever you left at his house should really be of no importance. You should just forget whatever you left there (consider it a loss). You should not go to his house under any circumstances. Post his keys back to him.

[Redhead14]

I've said this in other threads: There is freedom in knowing that there are things that are simply not in your control. It has nothing to do with YOU. Acceptance is liberating. You cannot control how a person feels, what they think, what they like, what they need, what they want, when they feel what they feel, why they feel what they feel. And, neither can they. It is what it is.

[Dis]

Just a last piece of advice.

 

Whatever you left at his house should really be of no importance. You should just forget whatever you left there (consider it a loss). You should not go to his house under any circumstances. Post his keys back to him.

 

I know its not smart to go back to his house. But I painted him a huge painting that I spent $250 on and he said I could have it back. I'll be as safe as possible.

 

He just txted me "Are you ok?"

 

I'm def not txting back.

[Dis]

It is frustrating getting these mixed signals from people that clearly seem manipulative and/or controlling as 266696687 suggests.

 

 

 

OMG, D-373! Imo... that's a clear signal that guy would hit you one day. Don't feel like an idiot about overlooking such a comment at the time. It happens when we're in a relationship that seems so right at the time. Negative thoughts get blocked. But as you're noticing... those thoughts breakthrough quickly once the relationship turns around.

 

Thanks for the thought about keeping us posted about safely getting your stuff back with your friend! ツ

 

He just called me. I declined his call. Then he txted me, "I'm sorry if I hurt you."

 

Just so I'm clear on this, he's trying to pull me back in right?

 

If so its not going to work