Boyfriend broke up by ignoring me

[stillafool]

He told me in his past relationships he ignored his girlfriend for a month when he was mad at her. How long should I give him?

 

It's just I had an ex like this in the past. Who didn't contact me even when he had free time.

 

Why would you want to be with someone who would ignore a person for a month? Why be bothered with men like this? I would get back in touch with him in 6 months to see if he's had enough time, meanwhile I'd be dating others. Lots of others.

[Fruitee]

I'm pretty sure this guy has no interest on changing his behaviour because you are letting him (also the other women before you) act like that. Show him that behaviour like this is not okay and no one should treat you like he is treating you. Ignoring someone is never okay. You either tell them to give you space or to leave you alone or that they will call you later or whatever. But they don't just dissapear.

[candie13]

I'm pretty sure this guy has no interest on changing his behaviour because you are letting him (also the other women before you) act like that. Show him that behaviour like this is not okay and no one should treat you like he is treating you. Ignoring someone is never okay. You either tell them to give you space or to leave you alone or that they will call you later or whatever. But they don't just dissapear.

Great point.

 

In a way, if you play to his music and wait until and if he comes back, he continues to hold the power and a behavior that leaves you highly dissatisfied.

 

So... basically, your passivity and falling inline, your waiting for him does nothing to stop this situation. On the contrary, you are encouraging and rewarding his bad behavior.

 

And even if he does come back, given that you have no idea what triggered his reaction, you expose yourself to this sort of unexpected surprise happening at any given time. Can you live and be happy with this unpredictability floating around you?

[itsdinaah]

I put up with this type of behavior in the past for almost a year and it took a while to recover. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes.

 

There's plenty of guys who are consistent and I won't settle ever again.

 

If he ever comes back I'll just break it off but I'm moving on starting today.

 

Thank you all for the responses!

[elaine567]

Thing is he didn't contact you for 4 days as he is "busy" and now he is mad at you for complaining about HIS lack of communication.

Google "stonewalling" - never a good sign.

[itsdinaah]

Thing is he didn't contact you for 4 days as he is "busy" and now he is mad at you for complaining about HIS lack of communication.

Google "stonewalling" - never a good sign.

 

Stonewalling describes my situation perfectly. It's an awful feeling especially since it seems like he values me so little.

[ExpatInItaly]

Stonewalling describes my situation perfectly. It's an awful feeling especially since it seems like he values me so little.

 

You're correct.

 

He places value on his needs and feelings, not yours. Emotionally-mature adults don't do crap like this. Consider yourself single beginning now.

[Fruitee]

^Yes and when he does wake up from his coma.. OP should tell him something like: Oh I thought you died since you didn't answer any of my messages or calls.

[preraph]

What bothers me is that you're waiting for him to decide what to do with the relationship instead of setting some standards for yourself and making your own proactive decision about it. If he's not open enough or doesn't interact often enough for you and that's what it takes for you to relax and enjoy a relationship, then you're the one who should be pulling the plug. I'm not assigning blame here. He obviously doesn't want you in all his business or feel like talking to you about it making time for you when he doesn't feel like it. And you're not respecting that, or are unable to live with that. So it just seems to me if that's a dealbreaker for you, that's fine. Get a guy who is more interactive.

[itsdinaah]

I agree. My pride is hurt and I'm out of chances to give. I've never been ignored in a relationship before.

 

I think in the future I should set up boundaries early on. Like state my dealbreakers and what I expect in the relationship. If the guy doesn't agree then he isn't right for me.

 

I think I'll also try to give them space but I'd rather know beforehand if they're busy.

[Zahara]

I put up with this type of behavior in the past for almost a year and it took a while to recover. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes.

 

You have been ignored before. Don't let this happen again. The next time you should pick up on these traits much sooner and exit.

[TaraMaiden2]

Respond to his stonewalling with some ghosting of your own.

Drop off his radar completely. Disappear. Go AWOL.

Delete, ignore, block, deny.

 

Move on.

At one point or another, he will 'wake up', yawn, stretch, and decide it's time to grace you with his presence once more - only this time, he will fail to achieve any type of response from you at all.

He won't realise you've gone - until it dawns on him that you've actually gone.......

[candie13]

I agree. My pride is hurt and I'm out of chances to give. I've never been ignored in a relationship before.

 

I think in the future I should set up boundaries early on. Like state my dealbreakers and what I expect in the relationship. If the guy doesn't agree then he isn't right for me.

 

I think I'll also try to give them space but I'd rather know beforehand if they're busy.

yeah, setting healthy boundaries early on is a b*tch... as long as you learn from this experience and don't repeat it, you're good. Everyone f*cks up when dating. We're human, it's normal, don't beat yourself up. Learn learn learn and don't repeat the same mistake. Do not reward bad behavior!

[S2B]

Any guy ignoring me while we need to communicate to get past a disagreement - isn't going to be with me longer than one day.

 

I don't like conflict avoidant types - it sucks when any person doesn't know how to simply express how they feel by having a discussion.

 

Stunted emotional growth is not attractive to me.

[itsdinaah]

I haven't really thought of him at all today. Been keeping myself busy with other things. When I do think about him I associate it with anger which I think is better than crying because I've cried far too much in this relationship.

 

I think I need to work on myself and my issues; realize what I deserve and what my dealbreakers are before I even think about getting into another relationship.

[thecrucible]

Am I secretly a man? I sometimes process emotional difficulties this way - I withdraw for hours and then eventually I emerge and feel ready to deal with it (I am working on it). I'd probably freak out with a message saying I didn't care or was pushing someone away but I have a caring disposition so I wouldn't act like the guy you mentioned and not respond to that at all. I would reach out and simply say "I'm sorry that I have made you feel bad. I have a tendency to withdraw when things feel overwhelming but I know that doesn't excuse it. Can we meet to talk about things?" or something like that. Anyway, judging by what happened it seems like you dodged what would have been quite a difficult relationship to be involved in long term due to his leaving you in emotional limbo like this.

 

Some people withdraw as a form of manipulation. I know this is not why I do it but some people deliberately withdraw to provoke a reaction and that is not someone to date.

[itsdinaah]

I'd probably freak out with a message saying I didn't care or was pushing someone away but I have a caring disposition so I wouldn't act like the guy you mentioned and not respond to that at all. I would reach out and simply say "I'm sorry that I have made you feel bad. I have a tendency to withdraw when things feel overwhelming but I know that doesn't excuse it. Can we meet to talk about things?" or something like that.

 

I was talking to my guy friend about this and he also said he was surprised he didn't want to meet to talk about things. I apologized to him and I asked if he wanted to meet and talk instead of arguing over text. To which he never responded.

 

Some people withdraw as a form of manipulation. I know this is not why I do it but some people deliberately withdraw to provoke a reaction and that is not someone to date.

 

I feel like we both weren't getting what we wanted in the relationship. Lesson learned.

[ilovemefirst]

He's clearly not that into you. My guy did the same thing to me, many times. He would go into his " cave" for weeks sometimes, and i would come across as needy. Until i couldn't let him treat me this way any longer. I told him straight up, that i deserved better and i wished him luck. He came back running, and

of course i took him back after he proved that he really was sincerly sorry. He wasnt that into me, as he stated. Now one year later, the roles have reversed. I am the one in need of space at times but i dont take him for granted, because i know i felt when he treated me terribly. The moment you put yourself on the pedestal, is when he is no longer there. You should always come first.

 

Look at it this way, if your friend was being ignored by her guy, im sure you would want her to walk away or put her foot down once and for all. Have that same love for yourself.

 

Good luck!

[itsdinaah]

Thank you for sharing! I do love myself enough to walk away. How long did it take you to get out of the toxicity?

[S2B]

What if he just didn't want to make effort/spend money on Valentine's Day?

 

Is he cheap?

 

What if he pops back up tomorrow or in a few days like nothing's wrong?

 

What's your plan for when that happens?

[itsdinaah]

What if he just didn't want to make effort/spend money on Valentine's Day?

 

Is he cheap?

 

What if he pops back up tomorrow or in a few days like nothing's wrong?

 

What's your plan for when that happens?

 

I don't think it's the valentine's day issue. I actually told him I don't celebrate it and I would rather he save anything special for something more serious like birthdays and stuff.

 

I don't think he'll pop up in a few days. He's very stubborn. I was just planning to do exactly what he did. Ignore/never open his messages. He'll get the hint but I'm ready to move on now.

 

I think he expects me to chase him though so I don't think he'll contact anytime soon.

[Fruitee]

^ Let someone else chase him. You dont have time for that. You have time for someone who is ready and willing to be in contact with you.

[basil67]

Just a quick message from me: If a guy ignored me for 4 days, I'd move on. I wouldn't even bother advising him that I'd done so - I'd just ghost.

 

And for the record, I have this attitude because of a previous guy who'd go to ground for periods of time and leave me upset. Never Again.

 

For the record, many men don't do the man cave thing. While pop relationship books have their place, don't take them as gospel. If it feels wrong for you, then it IS wrong.

[itsdinaah]

I only have him some space because I knew he would be having a stressful week but then I found out he was hanging out with his friends when he was supposed to be busy. I've learned my lesson and I need to stop being so lenient. The busiest of people always make time for the people they love.

[Fruitee]

^ Yes! People make time for things they find important. Lesson well learned. Now find a dude with better behaviour and nicer ass. Or whatever floats your boat.