Stone cold serial monogamists

[candie13]

So let me throw the question right back at you... what you would you expect them to do?

 

They go out with you. They give things the old college try, and they figure out that you're not the person for them. Or maybe they meet somebody else, and they feel that same spark that got them together with you in the first place.

 

That's what gets to you? The audacious idea that someone else might spark their interest? You think that they should be somehow immunized from feeling these things for someone else until ... when exactly? How does that work, exactly?

 

Or is it that you feel that spark or not, they should refrain from following their hearts, their interests until such time as you've gotten a chance to get used to the idea? How long is that? Why do they owe you that?

 

K-R, I want to give you another perspective. Life is short. Strike when opportunity knocks. Follow your heart. Once properly severed, a relationship is exactly that.... severed. You asked, so I'll answer. I think this answer is not integrity, it is selfishness on your part. Just about everybody would like to find the love of their life on their first time at the plate. And if not then, the second. But it doesn't work that way. It's a lot like finding a suit. You try one on for size, it feels like it fits, then you figure out it doesn't. So you try again, and again, and again and you don't really worry about the one that didn't fit. You worry about finding the one you want.

 

You want to be treated as if you're loved after you are no longer loved. You want sacrifices to be made for you in anticipation of no future with you. You don't want to face reality right away. You're all about kylo-ren, and feelings of the latest ex be damned. I'm sorry, but that's just selfish.

 

this is, by far, one of the sh*ttiest posts I have ever read, Mighty. By far.

 

I cringe to think of your reference point in real life. If you are in a happy RS and open and have an authentic connection with your partner, you don't just stumble into someone new and fall inlove. It takes a certain state of mind to fall inlove with someone new. No, that doesn't happen to people in happy RS.

 

And if you're not in a happy RS, then your partner knows about it and is aware. So you're either drifting apart or working on the RS. If your partner is 200% inlove in there and you fake the reciprocation of their feelings, yes, they will feel horribly mislead and cheated when you come with the news of "stumbling upon someone new and falling inlove.". That "stumbling into someone new and falling inlove" implies premeditation. It doesn't fall on top of you, one day, as you are walking down the street.

 

Very sad post, mighty. Shows lack of honesty. Selfishness. Terrible .

[candie13]

We have a mini idiom/parable/ whatever they call it for this type of action in my country lol. A sheep was minding his own business and was playing with a small pebble around on top of a hill, the wolf living down below, came up to him and said. "HEY WILL YOU STOP SCRATCHING THAT PEBBLE, YOU ARE MAKING MY ENTIRE HOME DUSTY!!!"

 

So the sheep looks at the wolf and says." OH SHUT UP WITH YOUR EXCUSES, YOU JUST WANT TO EAT ME."

 

 

So just like the wolf was trying to cause trouble out of nothing your ex was doing the same thing, because she knew what she was planning.

 

And honestly it's better that this garbage is out of your life. If someone really cared then they would have a civil conversation about how they don't feel that this relationship is just not for them anymore. But instead many times, you will find that even the most intelligent individual chooses the ghetto way to get out of the relationship. I view these peoples are cowards and not worth the time of day.

best liars are those who start by lying to themselves. Much easier to lie to the rest of the world. Too bad no one can really get away from themselves .

 

You know what they say, "takers eat better but givers sleep better". Can't have both.

[BeFierce]

"You know what they say, "takers eat better but givers sleep better". Can't have both."

 

Nice saying candie, not only does it have meaning but it indirectly surfaces another issue at well that I will now address. I've been on this forum a couple of days now and I see many posts written on whether or not their ex will ever know what they lost out on. Or some posters might ask. "do you think he/she still thinks about me" other ppl who are on NC, still have hope that their ex will send them an apology out of the blue etc" some have even gone as far as saying " I feel that my ex is thinking about me, do you think they really are-and how do I know."

 

some of the people who got hurt may not sleep better at all, because they stay up all night thinking about whether or not the "taker" feels any remorse. Or how could they have possibly moved on so easily.

 

So I just want to tell whomever comes across this post. To not care whether or not if your ex is feeling guilt about what they done to you. To not care if they are missing you, and to basically not give them a thought. If you know you were diplomatic and open to understanding, clear, and direct throughout the relationship and while your ex came off as ghetto, and played mind games- then know you were the bigger person. The best thing is knowing you are at peace for yourself, and you don't need a coward clown who didnt respect you to validate you on how good of a gf/bf you were. Their opinion doesn't matter, and whether they apologize or don't apologize doesnt matter. You don't need their apology. And dont go to the route where you want them to feel guilt just to have your ego stroked or think it will bring you happiness. How they are feeling has nothing to do with your happiness. Don't stoop low to their level, and don't take cowards seriously lol and you will be happy.

 

I don't know if I went off tangent, but Candie that just such a good quote that I had to address an issue that usually comes along with it lol.

[mightycpa]

Ladies and gentlemen,

 

I know that you want to believe that your exes are bad people, and that they have no human compassion and that they are wolves preying upon sheep and that you were victims of their soulless behavior.

 

Maybe that's true sometimes, but I have yet to meet a person who gets into a relationship or even stays in one for the sole purpose of hurting somebody else. I suppose it happens, because there are a couple of songs about just that. But usually what happens is that most relationships are races to the finish line. One of you will get there first, and after you're done, you'll enter another race. You're the best thing since sliced toast until you're not. Then it's over. The one who loses the race is always the one who has the most difficult time.

 

I guess you feel the way you do because otherwise, you've arrived at the conclusion that if the person who rejected you is that perfect person you thought they were, like a normal person with normal feelings and normal aspirations for themselves, then that must mean that you are somehow unworthy of love or affection.

 

As evidence of their evil nature, you point to the not-so-distant past, where this relationship vampire said that they loved you, and some more recent point, where they made clear that they do not. Not only that, but they were cold and distant and mean - as if they were somebody else entirely. So your conclusion from that is that they were fooling you the whole time, to some nefarious end. How else can one explain how feelings and behavior changed so quickly?

 

I'm here to tell you that there is a third explanation. It's not that they are evil personified, and it's not that you weren't good enough. It is simply that you weren't a match for each other, and your ex figured it out long before you did. If they did anything wrong, it was to not express these doubts to you when they first appeared. But I can assure you that came from compassion, no some diabolical plan to make you suffer. They didn't like these thoughts any more than you did, so they hid them and worked on them and resisted them. But you can't change what comes from deep within, and that's what they realized in time. They hung in there with you until they couldn't stand it any longer. That was the error... they really should have talked it out with you and prepared you for what was coming. But they were afraid to hurt you, and I think maybe it is because they saw that you're so susceptible to emotional trauma. Judging from the evidence, maybe they were right. One way or the other, you were going to get hurt badly.

 

I would simply ask you to consider the possibility that the people who once said they loved you, that the world revolved around you, meant it when they said it. They're not evil, they're not users and they're not horrible people. Rather, that as time progressed, they learned more about you and they became disenchanted with you. Not because there is something inherently wrong with you, but because you're like two puzzle pieces that don't fit properly.

 

No doubt there were signs of their doubt, no matter how hard they tried to hide things, and no doubt you missed them. They turned in another direction while you plowed forward, blindly. When the connection could no longer be maintained, they may or may not have handled the dumping well. I call it a dumping because you never saw it coming. It's more than a breakup to you, it's like your whole world is turned upside down. That's because it is so sudden to you. Don't think for a minute that it was sudden for them. They just went through it without you.

 

As to the aftermath, somehow you think you're owed something once the relationship is over, some ethical standard of behavior, or some sacrifice of their happiness or freedom of action, so that your feelings can be spared. They are not to date "too soon" or their affections for new people are to be squelched until such time as you're ready to accept reality. If they post about their new love interest on FB or IG, you think they are rubbing your face in it, trying to humiliate you. The truth is that it has nothing to do with you. You're not even a consideration, and I know that hurts.

 

But the way you react to disappointment? To say that all the fault lies with them and that they are users, evil and/or horrible people? That is infantile and selfish of you. Think about it. Romantic love, by definition, is selfish. Your mother loves you, right? She doesn't care who you end up with, as long as that person is good for you and makes you happy. But your love for your ex is predicated on one great big condition - they have to love you back. If their happiness depends on them being with someone else after they've tried you on for size, then to you, that's totally unacceptable. I don't know what else you can call that other than being selfish. I'll tell you one thing - it's not love.

 

So just be careful about the stones you throw. They're likely not true, and they say a whole lot more about you than they do about your ex.

[Miss Peach]

It sounds like she's not emotionally available for the type of relationship you want.

 

There are a lot of people who chase the highs of the honeymoon phase but can't stay in a relationship with the real person starts showing up. I've been dropped cold too with no warning. It sucks but not everyone out there is like that. IME it says more about them than it does about you.

[mightycpa]

While I'm dispensing my invaluable worldly advice, the reality I described is also why you should not jump into exclusive relationships too quickly.

MOST ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN END. The faster they start, the more likely they are to burn out, just as quickly.

 

Don't **** where you eat. Don't date people at work. Certainly don't get involved.

 

Don't let your heart fool you into thinking you've really got something if you haven't celebrated at least one anniversary.

 

In that first year:

 

-- Don't move in together

-- Don't spend every minute with each other.

-- Don't stop dating other people, at least a little.

-- Don't lose touch with your permanent friends.

-- Don't confuse being "in love" with actually loving someone. It's different.

-- Don't make or believe plans for the future.

 

Don't spend years and years and years in a BF/GF relationship. That will end badly too. If you're really in love, get married within three years. Or don't and move on.

 

This is what you'll learn as you go through life. It will seem so obvious later on. Ignore these things at your own risk.

[BeFierce]

Mightycpa, that's a beautiful post, and I agree with you on many things. But in my instance, and the instance with many others, we have sat down with our bf/gf and told them "okay lets have this talk. I am receiving mixed signals from you, lets be clear on this. Are you interested in me or not. We can keep as friends if the interest is not mutual it's understandable, because tastes change etc." And we lay it for them on the table like that, and instead of them opening up they come up with excuses as to why they cannot answer or they change the topic completely, when inside they know for sure they dont want to be in this relationship, but at the same time, they dont want to lose you- because they are gaining some sort of benefit from you. They are too much of a coward to tell you the truth, because they think you will cut that benefit off from them. Their intention is very bad.

 

So then when they find someone who benefits them more than you- they abruptly act distant, and dont give you a reason as to why. They don't care about your existence or your feelings. Had they truly cared about you, they would've been considerate enough to tell you. And worse yet, some will continue to string you along, to guarantee that they still have access to your resources if in the future they ever needed it. It's all about them.

 

That's why I don't see these people as poor saints, who didnt know how to verbalize their emotions. They know how to charm you and get you hooked on them- but they don't know how to have an honest discussion- give me a break lol

[mightycpa]

this is, by far, one of the sh*ttiest posts I have ever read, Mighty. By far.

 

I cringe to think of your reference point in real life. If you are in a happy RS and open and have an authentic connection with your partner, you don't just stumble into someone new and fall inlove. It takes a certain state of mind to fall inlove with someone new. No, that doesn't happen to people in happy RS.

You know what? It actually does happen. You're not looking for it, you don't see it coming and then all of a sudden, there it is. I'll agree, it's unlikely, and it is inexplicable, but it happens. I'll have to admit, it's a lot better when it happens for you than when it happens to you. But I've been on both ends of that transaction. What separates me from you is that I never considered my ex to be some evil whore because it happened to her and she dumped me. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I gave her a little credit for actually letting me know.

 

When "the impossible" happened to me, I was validated. I knew that my ex had treated me as fairly as possible, given the circumstances. I tried to do the same with my soon-to-be ex.

And if you're not in a happy RS, then your partner knows about it and is aware. So you're either drifting apart or working on the RS.

So this is interesting. One day, you wake up, and you see your ex there, and that thing that she always does and you thought was cute is suddenly annoying. Nothing has really changed, except it bugs you now. As the days go on, you notice other little things that bug you too. Overall, you're happy, you have a decent partner, and for the most part, things work. Is now the time to quit? Or do you tell your partner, "Hey, you know that thing you do that I used to tell you was really cute? It bugs the **** out of me now, so stop doing it!" After that, as the annoyances begin to snowball, what is the point where you stop demanding things of your ex, and begin to consider that maybe it is your feelings are changing? It's not as black and white as you'd like to think it is, and it doesn't happen instantly. What generally happens is you're told after that snowball becomes an avalanche.

If your partner is 200% inlove in there and you fake the reciprocation of their feelings, yes, they will feel horribly mislead and cheated when you come with the news of "stumbling upon someone new and falling inlove.". That "stumbling into someone new and falling inlove" implies premeditation. It doesn't fall on top of you, one day, as you are walking down the street.

Back to that? Again, it can and does happen. And you don't have to think the ex is annoying in order for it to happen to you.

Very sad post, mighty. Shows lack of honesty. Selfishness. Terrible .

Well, ok. It may be sad, but that doesn't mean it's not true. As I've said in earlier posts, the lack of honesty is when you lie to yourself in order to feel better. Selfishness is when you can't let go because you're not getting what you want. Terrible is blaming somebody else for what is beyond their control and assuming the worst about people. I'm not saying what you describe never happens, or that it didn't happen to you. I'm just saying that your disappointment doesn't necessarily mean that somebody else has done you wrong.

[mightycpa]

Mightycpa, that's a beautiful post, and I agree with you on many things. But in my instance, and the instance with many others, we have sat down with our bf/gf and told them "okay lets have this talk. I am receiving mixed signals from you, lets be clear on this. Are you interested in me or not. We can keep as friends if the interest is not mutual it's understandable, because tastes change etc." And we lay it for them on the table like that, and instead of them opening up they come up with excuses as to why they cannot answer or they change the topic completely, when inside they know for sure they dont want to be in this relationship, but at the same time, they dont want to lose you- because they are gaining some sort of benefit from you. They are too much of a coward to tell you the truth, because they think you will cut that benefit off from them. Their intention is very bad.

So then when they find someone who benefits them more than you- they abruptly act distant, and dont give you a reason as to why. They don't care about your existence or your feelings. Had they truly cared about you, they would've been considerate enough to tell you. And worse yet, some will continue to string you along, to guarantee that they still have access to your resources if in the future they ever needed it. It's all about them.

 

That's why I don't see these people as poor saints, who didnt know how to verbalize their emotions. They know how to charm you and get you hooked on them- but they don't know how to have an honest discussion- give me a break lol

I understand what you're saying, but that part up in bold there? That's where you go wrong, and it's weird, because you almost had the answer.

 

They are too much of a coward to tell you the truth, because they think you will cut that benefit off from them.

You're half right. But it's not because they think you'll cut them off, but because they are afraid of negative emotion and conflict. Afraid. It is because they are cowards, and they value their "safe space" (in a lie of omission) more than anything else. They are putting off the inevitable.

 

That's why, when the inevitable comes, they are cold and distant - to protect them. That's why they run to the rebound - to validate their ego. That's why they show you their indifference - to avoid you.

 

It's not about you. It's self-preservation. Don't take it personally, they're not out to get you. They're out to save themselves, and if they've got to take your life preserver to do it, that's what they'll do. If you want to hate them, hate them for that, because that's what it is.

[Zapbasket]

MightyCPA, having been on both sides of this scenario, if you were in a relationship now where you started noticing your feelings dwindling for your partner, how would you go about letting her know? Would you take active steps to try to rekindle your feelings before you cut the cord?

[BeFierce]

@mightycpa, what emotional conflict are they trying to avoid, if you set it out on the table all nice for them, and even told them you wouldn't have a problem with their decision? What are they scared of exactly? What is the negativity they are fearing. The only fear I can think of them having is their own insecurity of of losing their resource or thinking you will care less about them if they told you they don't have feelings .The more they have you believing they want to a relationship with you, the more supply you will give them. But if they tell you the truth, and you just agree to be their friend, they think your supply will dwindle, and that you start giving your resources to a new interest . I don't hate these sad individuals at all. They already have enough insecurities to deal with and I just disassociate myself from them.

[mightycpa]

MightyCPA, having been on both sides of this scenario, if you were in a relationship now where you started noticing your feelings dwindling for your partner, how would you go about letting her know? Would you take active steps to try to rekindle your feelings before you cut the cord?

I probably would not. The reason is that my experience has been that while feelings do not change all of a sudden, I'm not able to control them, no matter what I do. Some people think it is a choice. It isn't, at least not for me. That said, I've also noticed a change in feelings for someone can take you to different places.

 

For example, let's say you are in love, and then slowly but surely, you lose the intense, giddy feelings... things become more routine and less wonderful. I think that's normal. I don't know how you could live normally if you were perpetually in love. So, if I noticed that happening, I probably wouldn't say anything, and I probably wouldn't bail. But I would pay attention while it was happening to me. Specifically, I'd pay attention to what remained.

 

By that, I mean that you're either headed towards indifference, or that there is real love, real admiration and a real desire to have that person in your life that lies underneath. But in order to find out, you have to let the "in love" feelings burn off. As they do, you get a good sense of where you're headed. Being with that person either becomes more of a chore, or it remains fulfilling. It's easy to lie to yourself too, especially if you're the kind of person who "wants" a relationship. It may be that you value the relationship more than the person, and so you rationalize staying, when it should really be a decision made from a different perspective.

 

Once I know I'm headed for indifference, then that's when I make my partner aware. Not until I get a feel for where it's going. The only trouble is that once I know, that means the end isn't far away. The clock is ticking and time is of the essence.

 

I've been blindsided, and I know that's the worst. It's almost like that makes the intensity go up for the dumpee, and had they only known, they could have coped better, and ending it would have been less traumatic. As a result, I've even stayed in it for a while to help get them prepared, and I think that helped them. They were disappointed in me, but they didn't go completely off the deep end. So time well spent.

 

In the end, I don't know if there's any way to do it well. You just do the best you can and I think if you're thoughtful, you can sever relationships better as you get older. You can also weather them better too, because you've been through it, and even though you don't feel it, you have a better sense of what the journey will be like.

[mightycpa]

@mightycpa, what emotional conflict are they trying to avoid, if you set it out on the table all nice for them, and even told them you wouldn't have a problem with their decision? What are they scared of exactly? What is the negativity they are fearing. The only fear I can think of them having is their own insecurity of of losing their resource or thinking you will care less about them if they told you they don't have feelings .The more they have you believing they want to a relationship with you, the more supply you will give them. But if they tell you the truth, and you just agree to be their friend, they think your supply will dwindle, and that you start giving your resources to a new interest . I don't hate these sad individuals at all. They already have enough insecurities to deal with and I just disassociate myself from them.

This may seem irrational to you, given that you've opened the door and are holding it open, inviting them to walk out. But to people like that, it represents conflict. They feel like they will disappoint you, and so the knee-jerk reaction is to lie and deny what you've caught on to. They are simply timid, and I guess in their minds, they make things 100 times worse than they would actually be. The ironic thing is that what they do to compensate makes things much worse than whatever they feared would happen.

 

I don't think it is what you think it is. I don't think they are that calculating at all. I'm open to the possibility that I'm wrong, and I'm open to the possibility that you've met some and I haven't. But you should go ask one of them after all the drama is over. I'll bet you find out I'm right.

[BeFierce]

I probably would not. The reason is that my experience has been that while feelings do not change all of a sudden, I'm not able to control them, no matter what I do. Some people think it is a choice. It isn't, at least not for me. That said, I've also noticed a change in feelings for someone can take you to different places.

 

For example, let's say you are in love, and then slowly but surely, you lose the intense, giddy feelings... things become more routine and less wonderful. I think that's normal. I don't know how you could live normally if you were perpetually in love. So, if I noticed that happening, I probably wouldn't say anything, and I probably wouldn't bail. But I would pay attention while it was happening to me. Specifically, I'd pay attention to what remained.

 

By that, I mean that you're either headed towards indifference, or that there is real love, real admiration and a real desire to have that person in your life that lies underneath. But in order to find out, you have to let the "in love" feelings burn off. As they do, you get a good sense of where you're headed. Being with that person either becomes more of a chore, or it remains fulfilling. It's easy to lie to yourself too, especially if you're the kind of person who "wants" a relationship. It may be that you value the relationship more than the person, and so you rationalize staying, when it should really be a decision made from a different perspective.

 

Once I know I'm headed for indifference, then that's when I make my partner aware. Not until I get a feel for where it's going. The only trouble is that once I know, that means the end isn't far away. The clock is ticking and time is of the essence.

 

I've been blindsided, and I know that's the worst. It's almost like that makes the intensity go up for the dumpee, and had they only known, they could have coped better, and ending it would have been less traumatic. As a result, I've even stayed in it for a while to help get them prepared, and I think that helped them. They were disappointed in me, but they didn't go completely off the deep end. So time well spent.

 

In the end, I don't know if there's any way to do it well. You just do the best you can and I think if you're thoughtful, you can sever relationships better as you get older. You can also weather them better too, because you've been through it, and even though you don't feel it, you have a better sense of what the journey will be like.

 

Wouldn't it just be easier to have a conference and verbally communicate to your partner that your not feeling this relationship anymore and then both of you decide on a time frame to see if it works out or not. And then at the end of the time frame both of you can decide on whether or not to end it?

[mightycpa]

Wouldn't it just be easier to have a conference and verbally communicate to your partner that your not feeling this relationship anymore and then both of you decide on a time frame to see if it works out or not. And then at the end of the time frame both of you can decide on whether or not to end it?

Only to you and me. I'm like the ancient Chinese astronomers. I can't explain it, I can only report my observations.

 

Maybe it is someone like this. And yet, she just can't pull the trigger.

Edited February 15, 2016 by mightycpa

[BeFierce]

@cpa She openly told him that she can't be with him anymore. She has no intention of stringing him along, or put on a pathetic act of being cold, distant, and mean like the examples I was giving you. It's a different story . He is not emotionally mature to accept this fact, and that's issues he has to deal with by himself. In this situation he is the abuser, because he is disrespecting her wishes, and guilt tripping her. She was not playing mind games with him, she was honest and clear, so it's her right to leave him and block him out of her life. And he better check himself in with a therapist. His issues, not hers.

[mightycpa]

@cpa She openly told him that she can't be with him anymore. She has no intention of stringing him along, or put on a pathetic act of being cold, distant, and mean like the examples I was giving you. It's a different story . He is not emotionally mature to accept this fact, and that's issues he has to deal with by himself. In this situation he is the abuser, because he is disrespecting her wishes, and guilt tripping her. She was not playing mind games with him, she was honest and clear, so it's her right to leave him and block him out of her life. And he better check himself in with a therapist. His issues, not hers.

I'm not talking about her method. I'm talking about the cowardice that doesn't allow her to leave. It is as inexplicable and irrational as the cowardice you described.

 

She's even told him what's what and she still can't leave. She's in friggin' therapy about it! That's what I'm talking about. It is the same thing, in a different form.

 

It's irrational fear, and it doesn't come from wanting to hurt him.

[BeFierce]

I'm going to agree to disagree. No it's not the same cowardness. She had the balls to tell him that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore. She is not playing hot and cold games with him. THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE. The cowards I'm talking about want to keep playing games for their own benefit out of the relationship. This woman does not want anything from him. She is just scared he is going to kill himself, because that's the impression he is giving. He is the abuser in this situation, and he is the coward. Not her. And it's good shes going to therapy, to put her at ease that it's his problem not her. She was clear and upfront about it.

[candie13]

Hi, mightycpa

 

first of all, thank you very much for not being upset with my rude post and for giving me an honest and rational answer. I really appreciate that.

 

You know what? It actually does happen. You're not looking for it, you don't see it coming and then all of a sudden, there it is. I'll agree, it's unlikely, and it is inexplicable, but it happens. I'll have to admit, it's a lot better when it happens for you than when it happens to you. But I've been on both ends of that transaction. What separates me from you is that I never considered my ex to be some evil whore because it happened to her and she dumped me. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I gave her a little credit for actually letting me know.

I believe that this experience happened to you and that it is real and it feels real to you. I understand and acknowledge that the Universe is immense and that there is a Higher Power that may strangely decide to grant this experience to people - whether on the giving or on the receiving end. Human nature is weak, practically everything is possible.

 

When "the impossible" happened to me, I was validated. I knew that my ex had treated me as fairly as possible, given the circumstances. I tried to do the same with my soon-to-be ex. So this is interesting. One day, you wake up, and you see your ex there, and that thing that she always does and you thought was cute is suddenly annoying. Nothing has really changed, except it bugs you now. As the days go on, you notice other little things that bug you too. Overall, you're happy, you have a decent partner, and for the most part, things work. Is now the time to quit? Or do you tell your partner, "Hey, you know that thing you do that I used to tell you was really cute? It bugs the **** out of me now, so stop doing it!"

This. This is the process of falling out of love. And not talking about it or not flagging it is where you are being dishonest. Because the moment you have entered the process of falling out of love, you are emotionally available to other people and emotionally unavailable to your partner. The biggest lie is the truth untold.

 

I am not here to throw stones at you and Lord know I have taken forever to spell out or even admit when I was falling out of love. However, I've always tried to end a RS because that RS was not working, not because I've met someone else (bigger, better, etc). I invest in RS so even after I fall out of love, I still care and miss that person. After ending a RS, I need time to mourn the loss and clean myself from the wounds of the past, even if it is me who ended the RS and I know it is the right thing to so. I cannot start something new with the past haunting me or not having dealt with whatever issues led to the break up. It cannot last with the new person, it's not sustainable. I see love as a process - falling in love and falling out of love, not a switch on / switch off button.

 

After that, as the annoyances begin to snowball, what is the point where you stop demanding things of your ex, and begin to consider that maybe it is your feelings are changing? It's not as black and white as you'd like to think it is, and it doesn't happen instantly.

I understand your point. I think you should talk about it the moment you become aware of it, instead of hiding it under the carpet. This is where dishonesty and fear come into play...

 

What generally happens is you're told after that snowball becomes an avalanche.Back to that? Again, it can and does happen. And you don't have to think the ex is annoying in order for it to happen to you

I understand.

 

Well, ok. It may be sad, but that doesn't mean it's not true. As I've said in earlier posts, the lack of honesty is when you lie to yourself in order to feel better.

agreed.

 

Selfishness is when you can't let go because you're not getting what you want.

not really, that is insecurity and dependecy. Selfishness is thinking about your interest first and foremost to the detriment of others. You eating first behind someone's back and having the other person starve.

 

Terrible is blaming somebody else for what is beyond their control and assuming the worst about people.

Perhaps, I dunno.

I'm not saying what you describe never happens, or that it didn't happen to you. I'm just saying that your disappointment doesn't necessarily mean that somebody else has done you wrong

Well... can tell you, if my partner falls out of love with me and it's a natural process and he shared it with me, what can I do? What am I to do? Nothing, I am powerless. I thank them for the RS I've had and part ways and still remember them fondly because we have had a strong genuine connection and he trusted me enough to share his feelings. His loss of connection. That is about being truthful and open and honest and yes, that is a proof of respect. That I was right to trust him but in the end, we don't function well. Tough luck.

 

However having my partner hide his death of feelings - that is lack of honesty. I cannot read minds. If my partner doesn't tell me my compulsive need to wash the floor twice a day drives him mad all of a sudden, I'll keep doing it and perhaps think he appreciates a clean house. So I am not changing my behaviour and I am oblivious at his growing irritation. If, in addition to that, he finds someone else while not giving me any signs of distress... I am sorry, that is just... it shows lack of honesty, lying, lack of transparency and on top of everything else, wasting my time, wasting my energy, wasting my emotions and treating me like I don't matter, like I am inexistent. I was good enough to connect with him at the beginning, but then he found me annoying and found someone else - better or different - whom he thinks the world of. And he will dump me like a damp sock because of it. I will feel disrespected, I will feel lied to, I will feel unworthy of love, ugly, I will feel terrible. All of this, only because my partner didn't have the courage to talk to me 3 or 4 months before and share. All of this, because he lacked the courage to admit to something that, in the end, isn't even his fault. So I end up paying for my partner's lack of courage two times. Everyone falls out of love, it's only natural.

 

But we chose how to behave once that happens. We honor our feelings - or lack of - and we share, just like we shared when we started to catch those feelings. We choose to treat our partners with respect and honest. Both the past ones and the future ones. I'm not saying you cannot fall inlove while in a RS.

 

I am saying you cannot fall inlove if you're in a good sound RS where you love your partner. If you loved them, you wouldn't have eyes for someone new. And if you fall inlove with someone new, it's because things were stale in your RS but you've preferred to stick around for the fringe benefits instead of confronting that and cleaning your plate.

[mightycpa]

Hi, mightycpa

 

first of all, thank you very much for not being upset with my rude post and for giving me an honest and rational answer. I really appreciate that.

 

It's quite alright, these are emotional issues. I don't have to be right all the time, it's just sheer luck that I am!

[candie13]

It's quite alright, these are emotional issues. I don't have to be right all the time, it's just sheer luck that I am!

what else

[kztar]

People don't EVER fall out of love if it's real. It's eternal. that is sadly hard to find these days. Men and woman loose infatuation and there it is, the so called "love" is gone. Hard times come and everyone is like "well its time to find the next person, im bailing out".It was never love to begin with. My parents have been together 27 years and guess what there's no more butterflies in their stomaches I bet for a long time. Their love is different. We're just dealing with all these people who have no idea what the definition of "love" is. Its a partnership, commitment and most importably a WORK in progress until you DIE.

 

Thanks.

[triple-s]

People don't EVER fall out of love if it's real. It's eternal. that is sadly hard to find these days. Men and woman loose infatuation and there it is, the so called "love" is gone. Hard times come and everyone is like "well its time to find the next person, im bailing out".It was never love to begin with. My parents have been together 27 years and guess what there's no more butterflies in their stomaches I bet for a long time. Their love is different. We're just dealing with all these people who have no idea what the definition of "love" is. Its a partnership, commitment and most importably a WORK in progress until you DIE.

 

Thanks.

 

Thank you for this ... im pretty old school myself and I value every relationship im involved with . Why ? because its a waste of precious time , effort and energy . Sadly, in todays day in age , society has been programmed to date ... be serial monogamists and so on ...

 

my grandparents/parents were highschool sweethearts . that kind of love these days is VERY RARE ... ive dated and slept with over 10partners in my lifetime ... which i dont regret , but it boils down to just one special lady who i have yet to find. I thought i was doing everything right .

 

Ive only been heartbroken twice in my life ... this is #2 and it hurts like a byotch because no one ever cheated on me before .. =(

 

worst pain ive ever felt and it haunts me day in day out ... i have to admit it hasnt left . I was tempted to 'look' at social media today but i talked myself outta it ( lol crazy i know )

 

The first girl i ever loved , I had the hardest time letting go then suddenly one day . its like my body couldnt take it no more, i felt it leave my body ( no joke ) ... the pain was gone and i no longer cared ///

 

I hope one day i can wake up from this and have my last relationship just evaporate ...

 

Ive been in NC for 3 months now ...

[Brando]

People don't EVER fall out of love if it's real. It's eternal. that is sadly hard to find these days. Men and woman loose infatuation and there it is, the so called "love" is gone. Hard times come and everyone is like "well its time to find the next person, im bailing out".It was never love to begin with. My parents have been together 27 years and guess what there's no more butterflies in their stomaches I bet for a long time. Their love is different. We're just dealing with all these people who have no idea what the definition of "love" is. Its a partnership, commitment and most importably a WORK in progress until you DIE.

 

Thanks.

 

So, I've never loved anyone I've ever been with because we didn't decide to tolerate each other for life?? So, every relationship in life between any 2 people isn't love unless they get married and commit until one of them dies?

 

IMO you can love someone and not have to go the long haul with them. 2 people still loved each other, it just didn't work for whatever reason.