Having a hard time breaking up

[victoriablue]

Hello. I know that this has probably been talked about over and over again on this forum, but I'm just having a really hard time with it and maybe wanted some opinions or advice, or maybe I just want to vent. I have been in a long term relationship, but I do not want to be in it anymore. We have had issues and problems over the years, but seemingly worked through them. So my wanting to break up now is more of just a place I've come to on my own... There isn't any reall definitive reason, its just that my feelings have changed. I have felt this way for more than a year.

 

My difficulty in leaving the relationship is in that I feel like I have some codependent issues and it is very hard and painful for me to cause him any pain. He does not have any friends or family to turn to, but I feel he kind of chose that himself (he has friends that he just never keeps in touch with). He can support himself financially if we split up. It is just that when I try to talk to him about it he starts crying and says I am his whole world and the most important thing in his life. He begs and cries and pleads for me not to leave. I don't think he's suicidal, although it is a fear of mine, but maybe I am just paranoid. I've tried to talk to therapists about it and they just say "don't worry about him, it isn't your responsibility, etc..." but I guess it is easier said than done.

 

After we cry he starts promising all this stuff, making plans for the future with me and I'm like, "did you not hear that I just said we don't have a future?" It is hard for me to talk about it, and to even bring it up. I feel like the meanest person in the world when I do. I guess I just really have to be clear and put my foot down. It also makes me kind of mad that he doesn't respect my wish to want to leave. When I told him that, he said he can't just give me up that easily. It is very frustrating. I don't know why one person would want to even be in a relationship with someone who doesn't.

 

I guess I just feel really guilty. I just wish it wasn't so emotional and painful. Can't we be rational adults and have a conversation without rolling on the floor crying? I don't know what to do...

[rickdiculous]

Im sorry to hear your in pain. But

 

You are causing him more pain by sticking around. You cannot have a rational conversation with him right now. Of course NOT. He feel's like you are stabbing him in the heart. He's in love/ your not.

 

Give each other space and lots of it. Don't contact each other.

[victoriablue]

Ouch. Well I know that's what I gotta do. I don't know how I will, and I hate to have to do it this way - like having to tell him not to talk to me... This is like the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

[The Poster]

You seem like a sweetheart. The fact you are having so much trouble pulling the plug because you care about him is endearing. Don't lose those qualities!

 

But...unfortunately we sometimes have to do things that we really don't want to do, no matter how hard it is. Sit him down for the final time and explain yourself. Speak from your heart. Be as easy on him as you can, but be clear that it's over. For his own good, do not respond to anything afterwards. He'll surely be blowing up your phone, email, social media, etc. I know that can sound cruel, but it's the best for him to start healing. Let him know this. Tell him that you won't be answering him because you need to allow him to grieve and heal, and continuing to talk is only going to hinder that.

 

This will be hard for both of you. A lot of tears will be shed. However, you have to do what's best for you. He'll appreciate your tenderness in the long run.

 

Be strong and good luck!

Edited February 16, 2016 by The Poster