Am I just to insecure, or is she immature?

[zanwalk]

She is not right for you, and you are not right for her. She appears to be just using you until something better pops up on her distorted horizon.

 

Get out now, before you have to go through more heartache, you will find someone better suited to you out there.

[katiegrl]

RH ...so confused now. Didn't you say in other thread *not* to pull back (in an attempt to get the other person to step up)?

 

That it's best to *talk* to them about what's troubling you first *before* pulling back?

 

But here you tell the OP to "leave it to her for awhile to get a better gauge on her investment?" Because he is doing all the work?

 

How is what you just advised the OP to do any different from what I have been doing.....which you said was wrong? And that it's best to communicate first?

 

I know this thread isn't about me, but this is very confusing to me now....

 

Hi RH....would you respond to this please^^.

 

Again, you said in other thread that my doing what you just advised OP to do was passive-aggressive, so super confused now.

 

Are women the only ones who behave passive-aggressive? But when men do the same, it's okay and acceptable?

 

Thanks!!!

[Redhead14]

RH ...so confused now. Didn't you say in other thread *not* to pull back (in an attempt to get the other person to step up)?

 

That it's best to *talk* to them about what's troubling you first *before* pulling back?

 

But here you tell the OP to "leave it to her for awhile to get a better gauge on her investment?" Because he is doing all the work?

 

How is what you just advised the OP to do any different from what I have been doing.....which you said was wrong? And that it's best to communicate first?

 

I know this thread isn't about me, but this is very confusing to me now....

 

He has spoken to her about the situation. She dumped it back in his lap. So now, he's needing to make a statement and demonstrate that the consequence of her inability and/or lack of desire to at least make an accommodation for him is for him to stop doing all of it. If she doesn't respond, the next step is for him to move on because it's really become clear to him that she isn't invested or willing to work together.

 

As I pointed out earlier, it appears that she is operating with a dating stance that is applied to a very early dating scenario. She read the M/V book about dating. The relationship is now fairly well established and she should be doing a lot more to contribute to and support it. She doesn't have good reading comprehension skills . . .

Edited February 17, 2016 by Redhead14

[katiegrl]

He has spoken to her about the situation. She dumped it back in his lap. So now, he's needing to make a statement and demonstrate that the consequence of her inability and/or lack of desire to at least make an accommodation for him is for him to stop doing all of it. If she doesn't respond, the next step is for him to move on because it's really become clear to him that she isn't invested or willing to work together.

 

. . .

 

Thank you! I was under the assumption he had NOT spoken to her about it... so that was my confusion.

 

I went back to read his original post and came across this:

 

Sometimes when I try to express to her my honest feelings to her she responds with "Uh-huh" or "Ooooookay"

 

I missed that the first time....so yeah it makes sense now that he would want to pull back since it appears that, after he spoke to her, she continues to have a total disregard for his needs in this RL.

 

Thanks again!!

Edited February 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[Jabron1]

You didn't follow my advice.

 

Tell her this sternly, but only tell her this once. If she doesn't take it seriously, then she doesn't take you seriously.

 

I feel for you, because you seem like a genuinely good guy who is really struggling to understand modern life.

 

This is not the 1950s.

 

We are experiencing the decline of Rome. When in the decline of Rome, do as the barbarians do.

 

You've already been married and divorced in your fairly young life. And, now you are trying to lead an attention wh*re down the same path.

 

You are clinging to a system of living that isn't arranged to deliver you happiness.

 

You need to create a philosophy that is independent from societal constructs and suits your needs - no one elses.

 

If you want my help, send me a private message. I've already been in trouble once tonight.

[spmh1017]

You didn't follow my advice.

 

 

 

I feel for you, because you seem like a genuinely good guy who is really struggling to understand modern life.

 

This is not the 1950s.

 

We are experiencing the decline of Rome. When in the decline of Rome, do as the barbarians do.

 

You've already been married and divorced in your fairly young life. And, now you are trying to lead an attention wh*re down the same path.

 

You are clinging to a system of living that isn't arranged to deliver you happiness.

 

You need to create a philosophy that is independent from societal constructs and suits your needs - no one elses.

 

If you want my help, send me a private message. I've already been in trouble once tonight.

 

So I guess theirs no saving this thing. She's been very sweet lately but I'm still Leary of things to be honest.

I can't figure out the Pm system so please send me one, Id love some personal 1 on 1 insight.

[LoveAiko]

OP, she doesn't treat you well at all.

 

It's not even a matter of really liking her anymore. She's VERY disrespectful. I'm 7 years younger than her and her immaturity makes me cringe. To me, it kind of seems like she's using you as a warm body. She likes the idea of being in a relationship. She's a serial dater.

 

The deal with the jewelry you bought her...who does that? That's not a normal reaction to ANYTHING if you love someone. I don't care if it was a stick of gum or a $300 necklace, if I had a boyfriend and he bought me something out of the kindness of his heart, I would love it.

And if she doesn't like things like that, that's fine. But you don't react that way to an act of love and kindness.

 

My advice OP is to break it off. You can't "fix" her and she's not the sort of girlfriend you need.

 

It's childish to not text you and claim it's your job. You're giving her far too much attention and that's what she wants. She has you wrapped around her finger and its time you let her go.

[whichwayisup]

One month of membership and 100 posts then you get access to PM's.

 

Just because she's being "sweet" right now doesn't dismiss her behavior, what she's doing and how she's treated you.

[spmh1017]

One month of membership and 100 posts then you get access to PM's.

 

Just because she's being "sweet" right now doesn't dismiss her behavior, what she's doing and how she's treated you.

 

I feel like I havent always been the best also. In the beginning I was really terrible to her to be honest. I had just got out of a terrible relationship with a model and was still feuding with her and I put my current GF on the back burner for basically when we first started dating. After about a month or 2 of this she kinda said drop this war your having with your ex or I'm gone...I did and thats when I guess you could say our relationship really took off and I fell for her.

Not only that but she admitted even tho I ended feuding with my Ex and blocked all communication with her my ex was starting contacting her through fake social media accounts and saying mean things to her. When we made our relationship "FB official" a fake account sent a "When you see your replacement is just an ugly version of you" picture to my GF's FB messenger.

 

Plus to be honest 4 or 5 times weve gone out and Ive had to much to drink I took all my bottled up stuff and became VERY mean. Instead of telling her about not liking her talking to that guy or telling her she seemed emotionally unavailable I instead became over the top passive aggressive and cold.

 

I feel like these last 2 weeks, since I have been open about whats bothering me as well as letting her know about her emotional distance things have been looking up...not 100%...but better.

 

I do however still feel like she doesnt love me for me so to say...I have a feeling 99% of what she feels for me is cause I'm an attractive guy and I dress really really well.

I've met her friends...none are attractive to me...Ive seen some of her Ex's...not that great looking. I know her friends and family talk behind my back about my looks and style, Ive heard GQ model quite a few times and such.

On an average night, even tho I cant call her beautiful, she will compliment my looks 5 to 10 times a night and I have to shrug it off and keep saying "thank you"

The thing I always hear from her is..

"If I keep telling your how good you look your gonna finally notice and find someone better looking then me, someone more your caliber"

Or she will attribute my looks to what I can "get away with"

I'll be honest...shes not a knock-out and she kinda has no body (she has almost no chest and what she does have is VERY lopsided), but shes witty and brilliant and can cook! Thats what attracts me. I did the model thing, I was with a knock out for years, but I'm not shallow in my attraction...shes mousey, nerdy, and witty...I love it!

 

This leaves me feeling like I'm one of those guys/girls in a relationship with someone who doesnt want to let go or accept we dont work because she likes me as eye candy or having me on her arm.

 

Another topic of discussion she brings up is...my Ex, the one that tortured her was a model...not only a model but a model in the BDSM community. This means I dabbled is some strange **** for a while with some strange people... I was never really happy, I too was like I mentioned "a person not willing to let go or give up cause the partner was very attractive" I mingled with this lifestyle cause it was powerful having heads turn when we walked in a room or hearing cat calls when we walked down the street. The BDSM scene tho was not something I was all for tho and eventually drove us apart.

But now my current GF will not only mention I'm gonna leave her for a more attractive woman but she will also say "One of those girls who like to be hurt"

So in her head I think she thinks I'm gonna leave her for another attractive BDSM type any day now..

 

What she doesnt understand is I'm not arrogant and tho...I dont want that lifestyle nor do I need a stunning woman on my arm to boost my ego.

[LoveAiko]

What is it that you want, OP? Are you wanting another 16 year relationship? Are you wanting someone you can marry? Or someone who will be there with you through thick and thin?

 

If so, this girl is not it.

 

You keep making excuses for her actions and making yourself out to be the bad guy.

 

Your initial post was titled, "Am I just to insecure, or is she immature?".

 

Time and time again people have answered this. Yes, she is immature. No, you're not insecure.

 

You're setting yourself up for a whirlwind of heartbreak if you keep making excuse after excuse.

[spmh1017]

What is it that you want, OP? Are you wanting another 16 year relationship? Are you wanting someone you can marry? Or someone who will be there with you through thick and thin?

 

If so, this girl is not it.

 

You keep making excuses for her actions and making yourself out to be the bad guy.

 

Your initial post was titled, "Am I just to insecure, or is she immature?".

 

Time and time again people have answered this. Yes, she is immature. No, you're not insecure.

 

You're setting yourself up for a whirlwind of heartbreak if you keep making excuse after excuse.

 

Ugh...so what do I do from here?

I dont wanna just text her this very moment as say "Hey, we're done!"

 

I'm suppose to head over their tonight. We are gonna cook dinner together and enjoy a bottle of wine and watch a movie.

 

Tomorrow I'm suppose to head over to her grandmothers house for dinner then we are going to out for drinks and a light meal afterwards.

 

We just bought tickets yesterday for a play and she got a new dress for it last night.

 

Do I just stay on with her but keep my heart at arms distance from getting wrapped up?

Ive fallen for her and keep falling.

 

Last Wed night after dinner we stopped for coffee and as I was making mine she was grabbing something out of a cooler at the other end of the shop...I had to stop what I was doing and just watch her walk to the cooler, open the door, look around and grab the item

Like time slowed down and she looked incredible. She turned back to me and saw me just frozen with my coffee in my hand at the other end of the store and I must have had the most child like smile.

[spmh1017]

See my thread kind of died, guessing the overwhelming "break-up with her!" and me not has something to do with it lol

I do love her...its a rollercoaster!

 

Guess I'll update with this weekends ups and downs.

 

Had a great Fri, she cooked me dinner and snuggled, I fell asleep while she sat up and read a book.

 

Sat she took me to her grandparents for dinner, another great time. But we got back to her house and started drinking.

First thing that made me kinda "hmmm" was her asking me as we snuggled in bed "What do you think it will be like when we hate each other one day"

I kinda blew it off like "Oh stop, that wont happen"

 

Little bit later we started making love. She had an orgasm and since I had been drinking I really couldn't. 20 minutes or so she finally just calls it quits on me, says shes sore etc... She heads to the bathroom to clean up and I'm left there still "ready"...like REALLY ready lol

When she gets back I say "I've been drinking so if you could use your hand and let me just lay back I can finish. You finished so its kind of fair"

She laughs and says "Welcome to being a girl!" and tells me no and to go to sleep. I got angry and basically went cold shoulder on her all night. Pulling away from her snuggles and touches.

 

We kinda played it all off in the morning. Had sex, went to breakfast, then she posted a photo of me all over her social media with hearts and kisses as the label.

 

Its always a roller coaster...I dont get if I'm a jerk. WIsh this stuff was easier.

[Ruby Slippers]

We are experiencing the decline of Rome. When in the decline of Rome, do as the barbarians do.

Jabron, don't say that. Somebody has to fight to preserve the decent and just. We can't just give in to the nihilism.

 

This woman won't be his partner in that fight, but a better woman can.

[spmh1017]

Seems this has been a long running theme in my relationship with my GF but I dont understand it much.

I asked her after our first date her first impression of me and she said I "Insecure for no reason" From the start she would say things like "One day you'll leave me for a girl hot like you"

She would also say things like "If you only knew how hot you were you'd leave me"

 

We discussed the other night on dating people who werent the general idea of attractive and I said I just couldnt do it, she said its harder for women cause attractive men are far and few between and I wouldnt understand cause I fall into the attractive catagory...she then went on a joking tirade on what it must be like when I encounter another rare "attractive" man saying "Do you guys blue steel each other back and forth?!"

 

 

Recently its heightened to a non-stop barrage of texts just saying "Your so HOT" or just when we are together non-stop "Your hot" "Your so cute"

but...

Shes so distant physically..

 

Like, she kinda pulls away from long kisses, feels stiff when I try to caress her, doesnt seem to wanna snuggle as much as me...and to be honest as her compliments have increased her sexual desire has gone from constantly trying to get in my pants to sex about once a week and me initiating it.

 

I dont get it. I know if I was so over the moon attracted to a female (like I am to her) I cant keep my mitts off of them.

 

Is this a female thing or is something seeming fishy?

[preraph]

It doesn't sound quite right. I don't get the "you're so hot" talk to begin with. Honestly don't know women who tell men that, at least not just randomly. To me, that alone is odd. I mean, that's more like something sex workers say to bolster someone and butter them up.

 

I guess you're going to have to have a conversation with her about whether she likes kissing you. Maybe she's attracted to you but, eek, doesn't like your tongue kisses or something? That has happened to me before and I wasn't able to tell him, even though I'm not usually meek. Maybe try a totally different approach to kissing. Make sure not too wet. Whatever you're doing, try it a different way just in case it's something to do with that. I mean, it's possible she just isn't that sexual or something, too. Keep us informed any new developments. I agree it's a bit puzzling!

 

You might also ask her gently "Everything all right downstairs?" Maybe female problems?

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP

 

Not to over analyze things - but I will say my own experience - and a lot of good advice I've seen on here and in good books suggests that mutual compatibility on "affection" and physical interaction is important. I mean, leaving aside sexual chemistry and desire/comfort - the level of comfort someone has with physical affection is important in a relationship. I'm a very affectionate guy - kissing, hugging, small notes - I mean I wouldn't want someone I'm dating for 1 year to text me something cute everyday but once in a while is romantic and important. On that front you have to decide if you're okay with her level of affection and her hesitance. An ex of mine was affectionate - but only on a superficial level. She was okay with hugging and kissing but it was mostly an act and she wouldn't do it if she thought people were watching - i.e. she was concerned about "proper appearances"

 

And, she wouldn't even let me see her "downstairs" - let alone do anything with it....

 

To the other point - and i agree with the one response you've gotten so far - the whole "you're hot thing", particularly from a woman isn't good. It's a natural defense mechanism people develop when they have low self-esteem and/or have had bad experiences. I mean, someone on my scale of hotness that's a 10 may only be a 7 on yours and vice versa. Compliments are nice but from what you've described, it's not a compliment, and subconsciously she doesn't mean it as a compliment. It's her way of preparing herself for what she feels deep down - that you guys will eventually split. I can relate - poor self-esteem and a few bad experiences can make a person so afraid that the don't engage in something fully because they're constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

Keep us posted!

[spmh1017]

I'll give the quickest best synapses I can and see what your guys opinion is..

 

We met online a little over a year ago. She pursued my profile, we chatted, then to text. I always felt like she was luke warm about me (long time to respond to text, quick quips etc..) so I stopped texting and we faded away from one another.

Few weeks later I met a woman, beautiful but trouble with a capital T.

 

My current GF and I, after the break from texting, reconnected via FB. Just friended one another no chatting, I was in month 2 of the trouble relationship.

 

One night I posted I was going to a concert near my current GF's house. Before I went to the concert that night I had broken up with trouble girl. At the concert my phone goes off and a message via FB says "hows the concert, how have you been" I say concerts great and say things have been good but I just split with my GF. She mentions the venue is 5 min away from her house and ask if I wanna meet for drinks when its over. I say sure, I'm single again, why not.

 

We meet for a drink after the concert, have some laughs and share a hug to end the night. We start texting each other and REALLY hitting it off over the next few days.

My Ex, trouble, calls me....and like clockwork I accept her back...

I call my curren GF and say "Hey, it was great talking this week and meeting you but my ex wants to give it another go and I feel obliged to try at least"

 

Strike One...Current GF says sure. I say can we at last be friends? She says "Um...no. How about you give me a call when you DONT have a GF"

 

I go back to my EX...and its the next 30 days from hell. What timulcuos of a a relationship we shared that prior 2 months now has spiraled to me finding out she was cheating, screaming fights, emails to friends (her cheating was with a friends crush) etc.. Its HELL.

 

I dump my Ex almost 30 days to the date and call my current GF the next day and say "My god, I was an idiot...why did I go back" She laughs and we end up going out that night.

 

We spend so much time together, have so much fun...but...I was a terrible person honestly.

 

Strike 2...The whole first month of my and my current GF seeing each other I was still "poorly" secretly texting my Ex. It was more her wanting me back and me finally having the upper hand so me being a jerk. Posting stuff on my FB page clearly as "F**K YOU" type songs aimed at the Ex, texting my GF new I was doing.

 

So, after a month of this back and forth "war" my current GF says "I know whats going on, this ends NOW or we are OVER"

I end it, instantly..block ALLcommunication and never look back.

 

Doesnt end their tho...next 3 months my Ex is sending mean pics, fake account friend request via FB, etc to my GF. basically harrasing her, without actually incriminating herself using her real account. My GF is deflecting it all, bocking stuff, in fact not even telling me for a few weeks that its even going on.

 

 

So this is how our relationship started. Its been about 9 months now we've been together, 8 since I had any contact with my Ex, 6 since the last online harrasment.

 

But, its a sore spot that keeps erupting for my GF and causing us problems. We have a week or 2 of good times where shes sending me sweet messages, very intimate, loving...then one night she will just bring it up and say stuff like "I'll always be #2 to you. You chose her over me"

She tells me I handle it wrong. I usually get a bit defensive, a bit of a "Not this again...can we get over it!?" attitude. As she always says "She wants kind compassion and not a drop of defensiveness from me"

The problem I have is that this topic, when she brings it up, will alter her attitude for days and I'm tired of having a mopey GF who barely text me, doesnt say goodnight or good morning, isnt very intimate.

I want her to be that person shes that 10% of the time that isnt still dwelling on our poor relationship start.

 

Example..

Sat she called me, I had to be at work that night round 8pm so we didnt have plans..but she called and said "How about I swing by and make dinner for you before work"

She came by made dinner and was VERY much alluding that she wanted me to take her to my room (we never have sex at my house) I did. We made love, it was great.

Sunday, I had to work again by earlier but I get a call saying "Hey, can I come by so we can squeez in some make-out time and I'll bring burritos!" YES, perfect!

All this time, these days shes texting alot, kiss and heart emojis, asking about my day etc..

Monday, both busy we dont see each other but still her attentiveness is off the chart.

 

Tue...my birthday..MY BIRTHDAY...we arent seeing each other (have plans for weekend since I 4 days off) but shes attentive via text and sending pics still. I awake to a million heart emojis on my phone and it makes me smile even (Like I said, this is the person I see 25% of the time, so when shes like this I am over the moon.

Around 11pm I text her my work schedule and say "Hey heres my schedule for the summer, when are we hitting the beach"

 

SKREEEEECH!!!! Houston, we have a problem...

 

Last summer, we made plans to go to the beach during that week we talked when me and my Ex split...I got back with my Ex and didnt go to the beach with her...

 

So, as you already know...."Why did you ditch me last summer?" "You know I'll always feel like #2" "Shes better then me huh?" instantly starts..

It becomes an arguement...

Instead of me doing I guess what I should have said "Im sorry, I'm an idiot, I'm sorry"etc..

I jumped to "Please not on my birthday!" (not only that I was in hour 50 of working a 3rd shift week) and started defending my actions for making the dumb decision and going back to my Ex. Basically the usual "Look I was with her for 2 months before we met and had time invested in her and at least wanted to give it a go again"

It was bad, as bad as usual...

I said things like "We are clearly dysfuctional and I can see my infractions at the start of this relationship have doomed us" Not good...

 

This fight last about 4 hours. Next day, yup, I apologized...but we are back at her being distant.

Not saying good morning, no cute pics, waaaay less texts or calls, no good nights, no random sweet stuff...

Last night I got a "Goodnight. I REALLY love you." text alluding I guess that her love was real unlike mine. Tonight, I got nothing.

 

I love her, she says she loves me, in fact her "I love you" is always "I love you more" and explains that as "Its clear I love you more cause I pursued you and you were always my first pick"

Shes stunning to me, when we make love is incredible...Shes honestly my best friend and says I'm hers. We spend each and every free moment together these last 9 months (making our friends angry)

But this nagging issue, this up and down from her, how do I fix it? Can I?

 

She says I cant talk breakup cause I cant abandon her. Says she never wants me to speak those words again and says she gets to say when shes had enough its not my job to tell her whats best. I ask her why she stays if I'm so horrible and she says "Its about the moments, I live for the moments with with you"

 

Will I ever get that person I see ever so often who sends me randomly text during the day saying "Your so hot, lets make out later!" all the time? Or will I only see it on occasion and get the one who forgets I exist somedays...

[Buddhist]

Wow, what a mess. You know at this point, I think it's fairly safe to say that it's screwed beyond repair. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just a complete mess because well.....you're probably just not ready for a relationship if I'm being honest.

 

You just can't have so much chaos going on in your life and expect things to turn out okay. Relationships don't bring out the best in people, they shine a light on the worst in them. It's pretty apparent you aren't in a great place emotionally if you're still playing petty 'get back at you' games with your ex. Of course that is going to leach into your current relationship.

 

Here's a few ground rules for relating...

 

- Don't ever get into a new relationship before you are fully done with the old one. And by done I mean no longer seeking anything (not even comeuppance) with the person you have just left. You didn't even stop to breathe in-between GF's let alone reflect on your mistakes and grow from them.

 

-What tends to happen in relationships is people just project all their internal issues onto their partner then start relating to that, with predictable results. This is why it's necessary to have a decompression period between relationships. Insight doesn't come when we are so busy bed hopping that we haven't even changed our underwear. That's called distraction, and if you keep doing it you'll keep having the same hellish experience with every girl you meet.

 

- Once it gets bad, in that you are both going around in circles having the same argument over and over, it's also done. That is a relationship death spiral right there. The only result of that is bitterness and hatred. By that stage you are both just seeing each other as the devil and it's a ticking time bomb. End it, cleanly, walk away. Go no contact and find a dark private place to lick your wounds.

[big dog]

You just need to walk away from all that mess and chill a while.... and then start over... but with neither of those ...

[snowbunni]

It really sounds like you're too good for this. Everyone tells you that you're goodlooking and hot or whatever and maybe you should act like it!

[SilverAccount]

You are not broken, i agree with a post above 'inexperience', this girl loves drama and you'll be able to find someone better suited to you, stay away from these women who create so much drama.

 

Find someone who makes you happy and dont beat yourself down. Go out have fun with your friends and get yourself back on the dating game.

[spmh1017]

Thanks all for the input. I know many say end it or its over but thats just not really in the cards for me/us.

I love her, she has become my best friend, shes my idea woman in terms of looks and personal situation (no kids, between 30-35 but shares that young look as I do, never married etc..)

Plus, with my crazy work schedule and baggage I am willing to wager it would take years for me to find another person who fits all these wants. Not many women are up for someone who lives miles from civilization, has one weekend off a month, and works 2nd or 3rd shift sometimes 7 days straight...plus I'm a single parent of a teen.

I guess what I'm here posting to you guys about is wanting/needing advice. Guide me along the way to find balance in this, understanding.

 

I'll post up this weekends (Fri-Mon) dealings and please feel free to lend advice..

 

Friday-....ohhh Friday, the day of HIGHS....and lows...

We started if off by heading out to dinner. Beautiful day so we took in some outdoor seating at a soul food place and had a marvelous time. Some drinks, lots of laughs, a great time..

We decided after dinner to head over to a pub her friend was tending that night.

We arrive and the nights going splendid, laughs and drinks and another one of her friends show up.

I'm having a great time and making coversation with a fella next to me (soccer is on!) and shes having a great time beside me laughing it up with her girls (the one who arrived and the tender) I lean in, kiss her head and whisper "Good to see you enjoying time with your friends" cause she doesnt see them much. She smiles and an hour or so passes.

I admit...I'm about 9 beers deep, not drop over drunk but far past a buzz. This is what I like to call "I'm judgemental as hell and not afriad to speak my mind stage"

 

So this happens...

I glance over and see on her phone a naked picture of a man...they are having a laugh about his penis. I knew exactly what was going on cause I had been over hearing her and her GF's chatter over the last hour.

What they were talking about, and what that picture was, was a guy they all knew who a few years ago posted up pics of his penis on Twitter. The topic came up I guess and they were furiously scolling through his account looking for the photo. Then what they were doing for the next 10 minutes were joking and laughing at his penis.

 

Right in the middle of her making a comment about his "saggy testicles" I looked directly at her and her friends and said "Are you looking at d*ck pics directly besides me?" in an angry tone.

Her jaw dropped, her GF's heads went down..She smiled and started trying to explain herself and the joke and I basically talked over her saying

"This is disrespectful to me. What if I were here with my friend, right beside you, and we were looking at a woman we know who posted pictures of her p*ssy on twitter?!"

I was loud, aggresive, and angry.. and yes, most of this was fueled by alcohol.

I said "Its time for us to go. I'm leaving and if you want a ride him now is the time"

She leaned in and whispered to me .."Your being insecure. Your embarassng me! its not what you think"

But I was steadfast and looked away from her for the next 15 minutes as everyone was wrapping up thir drinks and bills.

She was rubbing my knee, my back, making "I'm sorry eyes" at me...but I just had rage in me. I felt disrespected to some degree.

 

We got back to her place, we talked. I did admit I went a little overboard and she admitted she was "partially" wrong.

Heck, we had great sex afterwards which lead me to think "Maybe I was right?" and when I told her to apologize to her friends for the scene I made the night before she said "Trust me, their BF's have done and said alot worse"

 

I'm not sure if Iover reacted, maybe I was just being angry drunk...I'm not sure how others would take this. What is everyones opinion on that?

 

Sat and Sun were pleasant, not much to say. Hung out, ate, watched TV

 

Now Monday nothing really happened besids me feeling as if I got more ques/insight into her and her mind set.

 

First, out to dinner she told me about an ex who still tries to contact her, not in a "getting back together way" but in a "Have you ruined this relationship yet? Heres whats wrong with you yada, yada, etc..." She has him blocked she said but explained to me what he says to her..

And what he said felt like it came right out of my head, right out of stuff I written down here on this forum..

He said..

"Have you destroyed this relationship yet due to the anger you keep inside?"

"Have is not worked out because your distant."

"Cause you cant give 100% of yourself to anyone"

She despises him becasue of this. Said he says things like "You need to mediatate" and said to me "Please dont ever say anything stupid like that too me"

 

And, its like, thats almost EXACTLY how I feel she is. I feel as if I have a distant emotionally person. Like she says she loves me, has shed tears for me...but in a used book store, a jazz album being played by the owner, the sound of the rain outside...to me thats romance and I wanna kiss her...to her thats just some music, her hairs gonna get wet, and she cant find the book shes looking for.

The times she "trys" to be "caring" and awkwardly rubs my back...her hand not very caressing, stiff and forced like "Ok, this is what people in love do right?"

 

To end the night I get more insight into her I think...something she says.

She says all she wants from me is "Loyalty and to hang around" I say "Thats it? Just 'hang around'?"

She says "Its more then anyone else has ever done...."

 

 

Now heres how I'm spinning things in my mind...

First of all...I feel shes lonely and nobody can connect to her and feel like her ex felt. Everyone seems to drop her cause as one guy told her once "Your wierd"

She has friends, but not really, shes the outsider in the circle...shes the one they hardly invite out and worse of all she works the most and has become a bit of an introvert.

So...I'm thinking, am I just her best friend now? Is all she wants is a best friend that she has allows to be intimate with?

She has told me before all she wants is "Complancency" to be "Safe"...am I just the best-friend, safe bet?

 

And what makes me worry also is, Ive begun to wonder "Is this distant feeling do to a candle she holds for a past love. Her true love? A love that hurt her the worse."

Here is my reasoning and info Ive compiled over this..

6 years ago she spent 3 years in a relationship with a guy. She lived with him almost immediately. He was never good to her really and eventually, she says, kicked her out leaving her homeless.

Now she tells me stories of how she would find text or emails from girls dueing their time together but she will never say he was doing anything wrong. Like once she said "I found an email to a girl where he said he dreamt about her" but she will reason it by saying "I was prob wrong. Prob just like how a friend would tell a friend they had a dream"

Each and everytime a topic of what he did to her comes up she says "Well, maybe I was just crazy. Maybe I forced him to seek other women. Maybe its a chicken or the egg scenario"

 

She makes excuses...and he comes up ALL the time. So many stories she shares are about him or that time and it go to the point where I said to her about a month ago..

"Anyone who talks about an ex that much has got to be not over them"

She was furious...

She said "Why would I not be over an abuser! Someone who made me homeless!?"

I'm not sure what the "abuser" part means but from what I gather she calls it abuse cause he wouldnt allow her to have friends and what not.

But her final answer to talking about him and things they did together was "Get over it. Its my past and hes part of the stories involved with my past"

But seriously....its...all...the...time...

 

Some Red Flags (maybe?)I recently just learned this too...

1. She has a FB photo album hidden so no one can see it...whats in it...pictures between 2007-2010...the time they were together.

I dont know if this is wierd. I mean I can see wanting to not get rid of pictures one might have but is this a sign? I mean, I have pics of my wife in boxes and she says she just hasnt downloaded they album onto a disc yet and is lazy.

 

2. She moved to her section of town 2 years ago. Her best friend loves a block away, ok thats cool...but this ex...he lives 2 blocks away and has for a few years. Begs me to wonder "Did she intentionally move into this guys neighborhood?"

 

3. Not gonna lie, I found him on FB and, hes a good looking guy, great job, plays guitar and sings...dude is dreamy lol And the wierd part...His photos from the time they were together, when he was a little bit slimmer...HE LOOKS JUST LIKE ME?!

 

4. Aside from the stories about him all the time and talk of him the night that made me stop and finally say "Im tired of hearing about this guy!" happened like this..

First the night started with talk about something silly, which of course she turned into a "Heres a story about me and the ex and how this story pertains to him/us"

My anger level was like "Ok, here we go again"

Then we went to bed...

3am we are awaken by a guy outside her condo on a motorcycle drunkingly arguing with a neighbor do to his cycles noise.

I'm half asleep in bed, hardly care but I see her doing everything she can to see whats going on outside through her window.

I ask "What is it, whats got you all crazy by the window"

Her response "Oh, it sounded like my ex out their on his motorcycle. He sounds the exact way when hes drunk plus you know he lives nearby"

 

So, any of this sound wierd to anyone else? Am I bugging out?

 

I dont suspect anything but could all her problems be due to not letting go or getting over this guy...

 

I dont know...I'm just sharing and hoping to talk to people.

[joseb]

I couldn't read through all of this.

But from what I did, here is my advise.

If you enjoy all the drama (and I think a part of you does) then keep going with this one.

Otherwise. Start exploring other possibilities

 

How many women did you date after your 16 year relationship before deciding this one was a keeper?

[spmh1017]

I couldn't read through all of this.

But from what I did, here is my advise.

If you enjoy all the drama (and I think a part of you does) then keep going with this one.

Otherwise. Start exploring other possibilities

 

How many women did you date after your 16 year relationship before deciding this one was a keeper?

 

Went on about 20 dates, ended up just making friends witb women..none of them interested me.

One relatiomship that was terrible that lasted 3 months.

 

Then instantly into this one (a few post back tells the story of her, me and my ex and how it all happened)

[joseb]

Ok just read through some more.

You two are just going around in circles arguing. I don't see any reason why you would want to stay in this relationship. She cooks. That's about it.