Ghosted after fourth date.

[Toodaloo]

See I don't mind it after first or second date or if there is something obvious about either that makes it clear that we are not going to get along.

 

Its when everything is going fine and no eye brows have been raised or sharp intakes of breath made... That is when it gets me.

[Httm]

I agree with you there. There's this "next!" attitude, plenty of fish in the sea, etc. But getting back to your complaint of ghosting. The reason you are upset, let's be very very honest, is that things didn't work out. You can't fault her for rejecting you, so you fault her for not telling you in explicit words. The end result is the same.

 

Never ever start to see yourself as a victim, as being "ghosted" by someone. Calling her names like coward and weak or whatever, because she didn't say the words "I don't want to see you anymore"? No, the bitterness comes from the rejection itself, not from being denied a formal rejection.

 

Once you go down the bitter victim road, it defines who you are, and messes with your confidence, and your attractiveness to the opposite sex goes way down.

 

They are accurate descriptors as well as an explanation. It has zero to do with bitterness and zero to do with how things turned out. It just describes many humans and why they do it. It is easy as well. Path of least resistance, comhined with selfishness and cowardice. Simple as that.

 

It helps to understand how people are. Once this is understood, it is easier not to be offended.

 

Also, your "let's be very honest" is an attempt for you to use your guess/assumption as fact. It isn't. Honesty and directness goes a long way.

[joseb]

See I don't mind it after first or second date or if there is something obvious about either that makes it clear that we are not going to get along.

 

Maybe though it is obvious to the other person that it's not working.

 

I recently stopped seeing a girl because I felt it was really obvious we didn't click. I didn't ghost exactly, just was less available initially and when she didn't take the hint told her I didn't want to see her anymore because I just didn't feel it.

Well since then she's been blowing up my Facebook (till I blocked her) and then my phone demanding reasons. I've already told her why, but it's not good enough.

 

I think this is why people ghost. To avoid that kind of crap

[Httm]

Maybe though it is obvious to the other person that it's not working.

 

I recently stopped seeing a girl because I felt it was really obvious we didn't click. I didn't ghost exactly, just was less available initially and when she didn't take the hint told her I didn't want to see her anymore because I just didn't feel it.

Well since then she's been blowing up my Facebook (till I blocked her) and then my phone demanding reasons. I've already told her why, but it's not good enough.

 

I think this is why people ghost. To avoid that kind of crap

 

And you think that would have been any different had you ghosted? Umm, no.

 

Don't share facebook with people until you've known them a long time(hell, I don't use facebook at all). As for phones, they are easily blocked.

 

You are trying to rationalize what would have been easier.

[GR4]

I agree with you there. There's this "next!" attitude, plenty of fish in the sea, etc. But getting back to your complaint of ghosting. The reason you are upset, let's be very very honest, is that things didn't work out. You can't fault her for rejecting you, so you fault her for not telling you in explicit words. The end result is the same.

 

Never ever start to see yourself as a victim, as being "ghosted" by someone. Calling her names like coward and weak or whatever, because she didn't say the words "I don't want to see you anymore"? No, the bitterness comes from the rejection itself, not from being denied a formal rejection.

 

Once you go down the bitter victim road, it defines who you are, and messes with your confidence, and your attractiveness to the opposite sex goes way down.

 

The end result isn't the same though is it. If she was honest with me I would know where I stand, delete her number and move on. In this situation I'm left in the dark, wondering what happened and starting to doubt myself.

 

This is the thing with ghosting, the one who has been ghosted still retains that tiny bit of hope that the ghoster will be back. You end up checking your phone for messages that might, just might, wing their way to you. You know it's unlikely that it will work out that way but since you've not been told otherwise you still retain that little bit of hope.

 

So whilst I'm disappointed things didn't work out, of course I am, I'm more disappointed that she didn't have the decency to show me a little respect and actually tell me.

 

People ghost for one reason and one reason only. It's easier on them to ignore the situation. Simple as that. It has nothing to do with preserving the feelings of the other person and everything to do with feeling less guilty ones self.

[losangelena]

No response has always been around in the history of mankind. In past centuries great men have written beautiful letters with the quill pen and never got a response. But people used to take it better.

In my generation, people would just say, oh I guess she's not interested. We HAD dating before there was internet, you know. And sometimes people did stop responding. But no such widespread terms as ghosting and fading.

I don't think people stop responding more than before. I think people these days are less tolerant when things falling short of their expectations. These are signs of a stressful society.

 

I agree. People have disappeared forever. There's nothing new under the sun. I mean, there are Seinfeld episodes about this very thing; if anything, ghosting was easier before because you could literally disappear. There was no social media on which to be visible.

 

Anyway, that sucks, OP. I only ever ghosted on one guy post-sex (second date), and I still regret it. The reason had nothing to do with him, but it was poor form for me to do that.

 

I would say though, that if this keeps happening, I think a bit of ruthless self-inventory is needed. You may be doing nothing "wrong," but I wonder if your attitude around it, this wanting to measure up to friends and feeling like you're "bad" at love and dating, is hindering you in some way. Do you communicate with these women in ways that are meaningful? Do you signal your desire for a relationship so they know you're not just out for sex? Are you allowing yourself to be vulnerable and "known?" And are you prioritizing women who do the same? Who are of high-quality in that way?

 

If I were you, I wouldn't assume someone's decency, and if you're afraid they're gonna ghost, I'd try and vet them a bit more before getting physical. Women are told to do this all the time, and I get the sense that men don't put as much of a premium on early-date vetting. Maybe it's time to do that.

 

Anyway, again, that sucks. I hope you can turn this ship around.

[Toodaloo]

Maybe though it is obvious to the other person that it's not working.

 

I recently stopped seeing a girl because I felt it was really obvious we didn't click. I didn't ghost exactly, just was less available initially and when she didn't take the hint told her I didn't want to see her anymore because I just didn't feel it.

Well since then she's been blowing up my Facebook (till I blocked her) and then my phone demanding reasons. I've already told her why, but it's not good enough.

 

I think this is why people ghost. To avoid that kind of crap

 

OK explain this to me.

 

I phone. We are both busy but it was a quick "touch base" call. just to see how he was and say hello.

 

He tries to keep me talking for longer, questioning what I am doing etc. Then a couple of days later I realise we haven't spoken. I get this weird feeling. Send a message to ask how the party he was at went etc. Nothing. Deadly silence.

 

I haven't blown up facebook, phone etc. He was keen to see me again last time we spoke. He has been logging on regularly to the site we met on so I can only assume that he lost interest and has gone looking else where.

[Erdbeere]

The end result isn't the same though is it. If she was honest with me I would know where I stand, delete her number and move on. In this situation I'm left in the dark, wondering what happened and starting to doubt myself.

 

This is the thing with ghosting, the one who has been ghosted still retains that tiny bit of hope that the ghoster will be back. You end up checking your phone for messages that might, just might, wing their way to you. You know it's unlikely that it will work out that way but since you've not been told otherwise you still retain that little bit of hope.

 

So whilst I'm disappointed things didn't work out, of course I am, I'm more disappointed that she didn't have the decency to show me a little respect and actually tell me.

 

People ghost for one reason and one reason only. It's easier on them to ignore the situation. Simple as that. It has nothing to do with preserving the feelings of the other person and everything to do with feeling less guilty ones self.

 

Agree completely.

[Jejangles]

The end result isn't the same though is it. If she was honest with me I would know where I stand, delete her number and move on. In this situation I'm left in the dark, wondering what happened and starting to doubt myself.

 

This is the thing with ghosting, the one who has been ghosted still retains that tiny bit of hope that the ghoster will be back. You end up checking your phone for messages that might, just might, wing their way to you. You know it's unlikely that it will work out that way but since you've not been told otherwise you still retain that little bit of hope.

 

So whilst I'm disappointed things didn't work out, of course I am, I'm more disappointed that she didn't have the decency to show me a little respect and actually tell me.

 

People ghost for one reason and one reason only. It's easier on them to ignore the situation. Simple as that. It has nothing to do with preserving the feelings of the other person and everything to do with feeling less guilty ones self.

 

I so agree with this! Ghosting and slow fading totally get my anxiety going. It's like slowly peeling off a band-aid instead of just ripping that puppy off.

 

I was definitely guilty of ghosting and fading when I was younger, because I was a coward and didn't want to "hurt people's feelings". Then I was ghosted on a few times and realised it sucks and is hurtful. So now I never do it.

[SoleMate]

Would it help for the ghostee to realize that ghosting means lack of interest? And take it as a message? It's just a wordless way of saying what can be too harsh, or even dangerous to the uninterested, to say more directly.

[Jejangles]

Would it help for the ghostee to realize that ghosting means lack of interest? And take it as a message? It's just a wordless way of saying what can be too harsh, or even dangerous to the uninterested, to say more directly.

 

I think it's clear that ghosting means lack of interest! But the thing is, it takes place over time. A quick "I'm not interested" text tells the other party it's over on day 1, ghosting can take one to two weeks for the ghostee to understand it's over! I think it's more harsh to keep someone hanging for days or weeks at a time than to just directly say what you're feeling.

 

And I think the whole "dangerous" argument is overused when it comes to ghosting. I have directly told at least 10 guys I'm not interested, and none of them has come after me in an aggressive way. Obviously if you are truly dating a dangerous person, protect yourself first, but most of the time that's a get out of jail easy card.

[GR4]

I actually prefer ghosting because I never want to get a call from someone I like only to find out she is rejecting me.

 

So you'd rather sit there for days wondering what happened with no explanation? I don't understand that way of thinking.

 

How do people like you survive in the real world? Rejection is part of life but surely it's better to communicate that. Would you rather be sacked from a job or turn up for another week or two getting ignored without pay because that would supposedly hurt less?

[sydneysider1978]

Ghosting is a really tricky one. When I was internet dating sometimes I would decide a guy wasn't right for me after 1-3 dates. But often communication is so constant, but about nothing, that the 'sorry not interested' message didn't seem in context. So I wouldn't get around to replying to 'hey how ru?' texts very quickly and it would just fizzle.

 

But on the other hand, I remember one exchange I had, where a guy was brushing me off...

Me: 'hey, how was that concert you went to?'

Day delay

Him: 'very sorry, not looking for a relationship right now'

 

I was taken aback, the response seemed out of context ! I was just chatting, I didn't ask him to marry me! But I think this might explain how ghosting happens in some cases. They've lost interest but there isn't a message that warrants a response of 'thanks but no thanks' untill you actually ask them on another date and some guys /girls take ages to get around to that.

 

So, ask your girl on a date with a specific time / place, then the response or lack of response will give you a firm answer.

[GR4]

So what if a message is 'out of context' as you put it. That's a weak excuse for not having the guts to do the right thing.

 

I know a lot of guys will blow up a girls phone/social media once they've been ghosted. Wouldn't it be easier to be upfront and honest and therefore not have to deal with a barrage of messages?

[katiegrl]

I think it's clear that ghosting means lack of interest! But the thing is, it takes place over time. A quick "I'm not interested" text tells the other party it's over on day 1, ghosting can take one to two weeks for the ghostee to understand it's over! I think it's more harsh to keep someone hanging for days or weeks at a time than to just directly say what you're feeling.

 

 

So this^^^.... which is what I posted on another thread too with similar topic.

 

If the person you just had a date with (or several dates) contacts you again asking you out (or even just saying "hi") .... how difficult is it to send a quick text back thanking them for the invite but don't feel enough click to move forward? One minute?

 

That way, they know immediately and can cross you off their list of prospects...it's done, no wondering (for days, sometimes weeks) if they'll ever hear from you again.

 

No one thinks of the other person anymore...it's all about what's comfortable for them.

 

Maybe the other person wouldn't care....but then again maybe they would.

 

To me it's just common courtesy.... but maybe that's not so important anymore. Sad.

Edited February 5, 2016 by katiegrl

[GR4]

So this^^^.... which is what I posted on another thread too with similar topic.

 

If the person you just had a date with (or several dates) contacts you again asking you out (or even just saying "hi") .... how difficult is it to send a quick text back thanking them for the invite but don't feel enough click to move forward? One minute?

 

That way, they know immediately and can cross you off their list of prospects...it's done, no wondering (for days, sometimes weeks) if they'll ever hear from you again.

 

No one thinks of the other person anymore...it's all about what's comfortable for them.

 

Maybe the other person wouldn't care....but then again maybe they would.

 

To me it's just common courtesy.... but maybe that's not so important anymore. Sad.

 

Exactly. It takes all of 30 seconds to shoot a quick text. Everybody knows where they stand and both can move on. There's no excuse really. And I mean a text message, how scary can it be?! You're not meeting them face to face, you're punching in some letters into a phone.

 

I'd agree that common courtesy has all but gone these days. Really sad to see.

[katiegrl]

Exactly. It takes all of 30 seconds to shoot a quick text. Everybody knows where they stand and both can move on. There's no excuse really. And I mean a text message, how scary can it be?! You're not meeting them face to face, you're punching in some letters into a phone.

 

I'd agree that common courtesy has all but gone these days. Really sad to see.

 

Yup and if they don't accept your explanation and continue texting... IMO okay to block.

 

You've let them know what's happening....if they can't accept it, not to sound mean, but that's their problem.

 

You've done your part.

[katiegrl]

Yup I always preferred quiet rejection even when it came to employment. I never wanted to hear live that I didn't get the job or she is dating someone else.

 

So you'd rather live in limbo?

 

How long do you remain in this state of limbo before realizing you didn't get the job or someone you've been dating lost interest?

 

Just curious.

Edited February 5, 2016 by katiegrl

[GR4]

Yup I always preferred quiet rejection even when it came to employment. I never wanted to hear live that I didn't get the job or she is dating someone else.

 

That's a mad way to live your life. If you went to the doctor with an issue you'd rather he didn't tell you your test results? I'm pretty sure I'd want to know as soon as possible.

 

And Katiegirl, totally agree with you. If you've told them thanks but no thanks and they continue to text/call then it is fine to ignore them. That's a totally different issue altogether.

 

When this happens I'm always a little bit tempted to bombard their phones with endless texts until they finally tell me to go away! Just to prove a point. I'd tell them that if they didn't want me contacting them they should have let me know!

[Redhead14]

So you'd rather live in limbo?

 

How long to remain in this state of limbo before realizing you didn't get the job or someone you've been dating lost interest?

 

Just curious.

 

People with this kind of thinking are often people with avoidant personalities. Rather than face an issue or concern, they will turn a blink eye to it. These are people who also shutdown during arguments. They have significant internalized insecurities. The have difficulty in dealing with perceived or real criticism, conflict and prefer not to hear negative responses and have a deep fear of rejection . . . often imagine themselves to be inferior to others and rejections reinforce that belief.

[katiegrl]

ABout two weeks for both situations. I never wanted someone to go out of their way to tell me something negative.

 

Does the same hold true when you're in a relationship?

 

If so, how do you resolve problems/issues if you don't wish to hear or discuss anything negative? Which are bound to come up at some point.

 

Or at your job?

Edited February 5, 2016 by katiegrl

[Toodaloo]

Right.

 

I plucked up the balls and called the guy that ghosted on me.

 

I kept it very light, very airy and happy.

 

Simple truth. He thinks I am great. He really likes me but just can not see how its going to work and doesn't know why but he just can't see it.

 

So thats it.

 

I am glad I made that call as he was expecting me to be crying and pleading and emotional and I wasn't (I was inside but the outside was friendly and happy). So he is left with a higher opinion of me.

 

However. I know that if I made that call and couldn't stay calm and happy then it would have been a disaster and I would have felt worse.

 

So my advice. If you can keep it very light and go into it KNOWING that you are likely to hear this then go for it.

 

If you can't keep a hold of the "Crazy lady/ guy" inside thats bubbling away. Don't.

[Jejangles]

A few people have mentioned how to let down someone you have been on dates with who is contacting you but not asking you out. I think if they are still contacting you, you can assume there is at least some level of interest. So here is what I have done in that situation in the past:

 

Them: Hey, how's it going?

Me: It's going well thanks! I know you just asked how it's going, but I wanted to let you know I don't see romantic potential for us and am not interested in continuing to date.

Them: Silence or "Ok, thanks for letting me know"

 

And that's it. I always cringe a bit right after I send that message, but like I said earlier, I have never had a mean response. If they then sent me a nasty message or called, I would block them. I think the above is appropriate for dates 1 to 4 or so (or before things get sexual). After you have invested more time and emotion, in-person or a phone call is more appropriate.

[joseb]

And you think that would have been any different had you ghosted? Umm, no.

 

Don't share facebook with people until you've known them a long time(hell, I don't use facebook at all). As for phones, they are easily blocked.

 

You are trying to rationalize what would have been easier.

I don't normally share fb, but I met this girl travelling and we swapped fb details. When she came over here she looked me up. I don't even remember giving her my phone number, after blocking her on fb was the first time I had a phone text from her.

 

Would it have been easier ghosting? Maybe. Maybe not. It was only after I explained that I didn't see us clicking that she started stalking. Before she would only contact occasionally. The reason I didn't just ghost was I felt its unfair on her. In retrospect it may have been easier for her, but I'm not her so can't say for sure.

[Philosopher]

A few people have mentioned how to let down someone you have been on dates with who is contacting you but not asking you out. I think if they are still contacting you, you can assume there is at least some level of interest. So here is what I have done in that situation in the past:

 

Them: Hey, how's it going?

Me: It's going well thanks! I know you just asked how it's going, but I wanted to let you know I don't see romantic potential for us and am not interested in continuing to date.

Them: Silence or "Ok, thanks for letting me know"

 

And that's it. I always cringe a bit right after I send that message, but like I said earlier, I have never had a mean response. If they then sent me a nasty message or called, I would block them. I think the above is appropriate for dates 1 to 4 or so (or before things get sexual). After you have invested more time and emotion, in-person or a phone call is more appropriate.

 

I don't really see the need for ghosting at all. From what I understand people do it because they are afraid of conflict. However if you reject someone with a text saying "Sorry I don't think it will work out between us long term" or something similar, the very worst you are likely to get is a nasty text or angry phone call. If in the unlikely event you do get a phone call you can simply ignore it. As you mentioned you never have had a mean response so I suspect they are pretty rare.

 

Also if you ghost someone it does not guarantee you will you avoid any confrontation. The person being ghosted will probably realise what is happening and may call you out for doing it. You could receive angry texts because you disappeared on them. So the whole purpose of ghosting someone may end up being counter productive to the ghostee.