Karma :(

[Spectre]

I agree with her. Sometimes I wish I didn't tell either.

 

But see that isn't really up to you to decide if it's good or bad for the guy to know. He deserves all the information.

 

A LOT of times a IC will tell you not to tell...if the A is really over.

 

Then wow there are a lot of terrible IC's out there.

 

There's no real wrong or right, just personal preference on how you want to handle it...for a one fling screw up. Long term & multiple A, if that's the case you shouldn't probably be married anyway.

 

Here is a crazy thought: why not give the person you owe the truth..the truth, and let them deal with it? If it causes them pain then okay, life is pain. You wouldn't of cheated in the first place if it's about sparing pain, so lets be real here: it's about sparing yourself from getting booted to the curb or getting your dirty laundry aired by everyone. When did honesty in relationships just become a novelty item? Where the PARTNER can decide what the other person can or can't handle, to the point of making a damn fool of them?

 

Since you ladies do realize if you bang another dude and don't say anything..everytime you kiss your hubby, everytime you screw him, everytime you say I love you..you are making a fool of him. How is that preferable to temporary pain? Trust me: no guy will be pining away forever over a cheater. So please people, get out of the frame of mind that it is up to you to decide what someone else can't handle. Again, it's your partner not your kid.

Edited February 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Civility & respect ~ V

[Whoknew30]

But see that isn't really up to you to decide if it's good or bad for the guy to know. He deserves all the information.

 

 

 

Then wow there are a lot of terrible IC's out there.

 

 

 

Here is a crazy thought: why not give the person you owe the truth..the truth, and let them deal with it? If it causes them pain then okay, life is pain. You wouldn't of cheated in the first place if it's about sparing pain, so lets be real here: it's about sparing yourself from getting booted to the curb or getting your dirty laundry aired by everyone. When did honesty in relationships just become a novelty item? Where the PARTNER can decide what the other person can or can't handle, to the point of making a damn fool of them?

 

Since you ladies do realize if you bang another dude and don't say anything..everytime you kiss your hubby, everytime you screw him, everytime you say I love you..you are making a fool of him. How is that preferable to temporary pain? Trust me: no guy will be pining away forever over a cheater. So please people, get out of the frame of mind that it is up to you to decide what someone else can't handle. Again, it's your partner not your kid.

 

 

 

I did tell & I worked out my marriage, didn't get booted from

The curb...from what I see, the way of thinking you speak of kind of just started in the last 20 years. Like my parents & up that isn't how it was! It was old school...everyone minded their own business, they put their families as a unit first before their marriage, & when someone messed up they forgave...none of this new age, tell everything, everything is everyone's business, they didn't go throwing things away bc it wasn't perfect.

 

Now marriage is 50% divorce & all everyone screams about is "how they k ow what's right for everyone".

 

BTW- statistical more husbands cheat than wives. I hope you feel the same way about them

Edited February 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Civility & Respect ~ V

[Mrs. John Adams]

It's just utterly crazy to think a short affair should be kept quiet but a long term affair shouldn't. No see he deserves to know, whether it's long term, short term, or even just a kiss. There is no "I want to save him the pain of knowing". Look I realize you and your hubby reconciled, but people reading this need to know it's not okay to keep an affair from someone, no matter how far or how long it has lasted. You don't get to play the "I want to spare them pain" game after the fact, if you wanted to spare them pain you shouldn't of cheated. Why is it people like this always suddenly realize their partner has feelings only after they've had their fun?

 

So please: nobody read this and think keeping any kind of cheating from your partner is the right path. Experiencing some temporary pain now is preferable then being made a fool of every day because your partner banged a dude and didn't tell you about it and looked you square in the eyes everyday and didn't say a thing.

 

The only time not telling about cheating is appropriate is if you FEAR FOR YOUR LIFE from this person. But see there is a problem there, because people afraid for their life wouldn't really be cheating in the first place if they were that afraid. But lets say they overcame their fear for some sex, well, okay, if you think the guy will beat you or kill you then don't tell him. If you think he's just going to get angry, sad, and be hurt for a while then..well okay, such is life. He is not your child, it is not up to you to shield him from pain. Plus if it was up to you then you kind of failed with the whole cheating thing.

 

Again I know you specifically reconciled, but I don't want people to see what you are saying and thinking it's actually the right choice. People here tend to sometimes just hone in and listen to the one post that tells them what they want to hear no matter how illogical it may seem.

 

I did not say that I think not telling is the right answer... I said that over the years... I wished I had not... That is how I feel. I did the right thing... I confessed... I can still think about how I handled the situation and wonder if I should have done differently. I am entitled to have feelings about my own situation. Good grief...

 

I have never advised anyone to not confess.... Never. I always think honesty is best....and that's exactly what I did....

 

But thank you so much for setting me straight.....

Edited February 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Spectre]

I did tell & I worked out my marriage, didn't get booted from

The curb...

 

Well why would you wish you didn't tell?

 

from what I see, the way of thinking you speak of kind of just started in the last 20 years. Like my parents & up that isn't how it was! It was old school...everyone minded their own business, they put their families as a unit first before their marriage, & when someone messed up they forgave...none of this new age, tell everything, everything is everyone's business, they didn't go throwing things away bc it wasn't perfect.

 

Yeah well the times they are a changing. But think about your logic for a second. Everyone minded their own business? Okay so scenario: you are my wife. Is it not my business what other men you let bang you? How is that not my business? Nobody said take out an ad in the newspaper saying you cheated, but if you are going to say "well back in the old timey days it wasn't a husbands business if his wife was cheating" well then screw the old timey days, I'm glad they are gone.

 

BTW- statistical more husbands cheat than wives. I hope you feel the same way about them

 

I'd bet statistically men are more likely to admit to cheating then females too. What does that do for your stats? But either way, yep, I feel the same way. I don't care what gender you are: be a friggin adult. You can't keep it in your pants? Okay, your partner deserves to know.

Edited February 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Civility & Respect

[darkbloom]

I've been reading here for a few days, trying to get my head together. I know I'm an idiot, you don't have to tell me. Karma has paid me a nice visit. But I am so heartbroken. And confused.

So to make a long story short---I am 50 and my high school & college boyfriend contacted me at a weak moment and we got "back together". He's single, I'm married. It's been a year of cheating, for me, that is. My husband is a pretty decent guy and after 25 years, how can I just up & leave?

I told "Robert" from the beginning that it would be a very difficult transition and I didn't even know if I could leave. Robert was insistent that we were still soul mates--I thought so too. We had many lovely times and each time I left, I was so sad & confused because I loved him so much.

But the bloom fell off after about 9 months. The soul mate thing, I'm not so sure about. We argued & bickered and he didn't treat me like a queen like he did in the beginning.

And now, after a couple of months of being suspicious, because things just didn't feel right--- I find out he's been contacting his ex and basically trying to get back with her!!??

He doesn't know that I know his phone password. Hello, your birthday was so hard to figure out! Anyway, he tried some sex talk via text & she wasn't receptive. He told her he missed the two of them and wanted to talk about "us" (meaning the two of them). She was vague & said call me tomorrow and we'll talk about it. She's not very receptive & not talking like someone who wants to get back together. Then he made some crude sex reference & she "LOL, LOL". He referenced getting together this weekend, when I'm out of town.

He's not trying very hard--I'd be insulted if I were her, I think it's just a sex thing. It sounds like it. She doesn't seem to care either way, like she could take it or leave it.

But---there's living proof that my soul mate fairy tale is dead & gone.

Now as for my husband & what I've done to him...he will never know, but I do. I have ended up in the hospital with a stress related illness over this. So I'm not that cold blooded. I have to put it out of my mind & not even think about it, it's too much to bear.

But I'm just sad, for everyone. My husband. Me. :(

I know I suck. I just needed to vent.

 

Do you all read from a handbook when you post this nonsense?

 

1) Everyone throws around the term soulmates. You used the term soulmates to justify your new relationship while you were married. Now you aren't so sure that you are soulmates when 'Robert' showed his true colors. The relationship didn't work out when you were younger and you married someone else. Clearly you weren't sold on the soulmates idea when you said 'I do' to another man.

2) Karma does not mean what you think it means.

3) If he's okay with you cheating on your husband to be with him, why on earth does it surprise you that he'd cheat on you? His outstanding character and moral fiber?

4) You are not living in a fairytale. You made some very poor decisions and are living with some very poor consequences.

5) You are living a lie. Your relationship with your husband is forever altered by your deceit. He deserves to know but you sound a little too spineless to fill him in. The truth will always come out. It's better if you can control the fallout before he finds out from somewhere else.

 

You got yourself into this mess. The only way out is through. You can't dig your head in the sand like an ostrich and hope it all goes away.

 

Best of luck on your future. Hopefully you can make better decisions than you have in the past.

[whichwayisup]

Reading what you wrote & wondering.....why did he pick such a difficult target? I'm married. We haven't seen each other in 25+ years. Why couldn't he just find someone in his own area, we don't live all that close to each other. He looks young, acts young, is still handsome. It wouldn't be difficult for him. So he contacts me & plays on my emotions, this person I once thought the world of. I don't get it.

 

Why could you not have said NO. Maybe he knew you were weak and would go for it, risk everything that you love and have worked hard for, all for HIM.

 

Do you really think someone who you knew in the past is the exact same person 25 plus years later?! People change, life experiences alter people, some in good ways and some in bad ways.

 

Instead of blaming him for reaching out, figure out why you chose this path for yourself. Do get counseling.

[merrmeade]

Here is a crazy thought: why not give the person you owe the truth..the truth, and let them deal with it? If it causes them pain then okay, life is pain. You wouldn't of cheated in the first place if it's about sparing pain, so lets be real here: it's about sparing yourself from getting booted to the curb or getting your dirty laundry aired by everyone. When did honesty in relationships just become a novelty item? Where the PARTNER can decide what the other person can or can't handle, to the point of making a damn fool of them?

 

Since you ladies do realize if you bang another dude and don't say anything..everytime you kiss your hubby, everytime you screw him, everytime you say I love you..you are making a fool of him. How is that preferable to temporary pain? Trust me: no guy will be pining away forever over a cheater. So please people, get out of the frame of mind that it is up to you to decide what someone else can't handle. Again, it's your partner not your kid.

 

This is exactly the way I felt and still feel. It is the one aspect of my husband's affairs that still can enrage me when I think about it. How did he dare make those decisions for me? Why did he never think to give me a choice what to do about his indiscretions?

 

It doesn't matter how you feel about it, how long ago it was, whether it had anything to do with him, if you cheated on him AND didn't tell him, it's adding insult to injury. It's not your decision to make.

Edited February 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for previous content edit. ~ V

[Gigi2015]

This is exactly the way I felt and still feel. It is the one aspect of my husband's affairs that still can enrage me when I think about it. How did he dare make those decisions for me? Why did he never think to give me a choice what to do about his indiscretions?

 

It doesn't matter how you feel about it, how long ago it was, whether it had anything to do with him, if you cheated on him AND didn't tell him, it's adding insult to injury. It's not your decision to make.

 

Consider yourself fortunate. You now see all the pieces to the puzzle(at least the important ones) and can make an informed decision....at least you're not in the dark...wondering what the heck is going on. Many are...gasligting is happening, they're treated shabbily and convinced it's they're fault, Their egos eroding....you at least understand...still--the worst part of it is being DENIED the chance at making an informed choice...

Edited February 6, 2016 by Gigi2015

[understand50]

This is exactly the way I felt and still feel. It is the one aspect of my husband's affairs that still can enrage me when I think about it. How did he dare make those decisions for me? Why did he never think to give me a choice what to do about his indiscretions?

 

It doesn't matter how you feel about it, how long ago it was, whether it had anything to do with him, if you cheated on him AND didn't tell him, it's adding insult to injury. It's not your decision to make.

 

Consider yourself fortunate. You now see all the pieces to the puzzle(at least the important ones) and can make an informed decision....at least you're not in the dark...wondering what the heck is going on. Many are...gasligting is happening, they're treated shabbily and convinced it's they're fault, Their egos eroding....you at least understand...still--the worst part of it is being DENIED the chance at making an informed choice...

 

TexansFan,

 

At some point your husband is going to put things together. Even if you tell that something happened, when other information comes out it will cause problems and heart ache. In my own case, after all the lies on the finances, and more information coming out on her ONS, I could not, would not abide by her having any secrets or telling any type of lie. I asked and insisted she come clean about every man she had sex with. In her case it was who she had slept with in High School before we started dating.

 

Your husband needs the full unvarnished story, you own him that, and more importantly you owe it to yourself. It will be the first step back to being a moral person. I think you are gone from this thread, as you have not posted in a few days. I hope, that you get some idea of a better way forward then just lying and deceiving your husband. It will come back and it will be worse then is you had just come clean in the first place.

 

I wish you luck.

[Marc878]

The truth always matters. Unless you're a liar.

[goodyblue]

This is exactly the way I felt and still feel. It is the one aspect of my husband's affairs that still can enrage me when I think about it. How did he dare make those decisions for me? Why did he never think to give me a choice what to do about his indiscretions?

 

It doesn't matter how you feel about it, how long ago it was, whether it had anything to do with him, if you cheated on him AND didn't tell him, it's adding insult to injury. It's not your decision to make.

 

And yet... you stayed. So OP is wrong but your h is ok?

[Cephalopod]

OP, you are kidding yourself if you think your husband will never find out. And you do not seem remorseful at all. You are a prime candidate for future affairs until you decide to confront the broken parts of you that allowed you to think that cheating on a good man who loves you is somehow okay. Gets some help. Get into some counseling to figure out why you do the things you do.

[JohnAdams]

This is cute and all, but you don't need to say flat out "hey don't confess guys". Just the "woe to me I wish I didn't confess" coming from someone who has obviously cheated..could easily lead someone to think you *are* saying do not confess. Now if you needed to be set straight about the way you phrase things on a board where people will hone in on anything if it tells them what they want to hear, no matter how negative, then you are welcome.

 

Sometimes I wish she did not confess. She did. She is entitled to her opinion just like you are. But, your attacking style is certainly not needed. One can differ in opinion without coming off as callous and pompous. Perhaps you should take your own advice on how your phrase things on here!

[TX-SC]

In all aspects of marriage I tend to think about how my actions will affect my wife. I also think, how would I want to be treated if in her shoes. If I cheated, which I never will, I don't think I could keep a secret of that magnitude from my wife. I just don't have it in me to deceive her that way. It would eat me alive.

 

I might be able to hide the fact that I had a DQ Blizzard on the way home from work. But cheating? No way! That's a life changing situation. I would hope she would feel the same.

[Robert]

Since the OP has not been back to update this thread, it will be closed. As to the member on member berating, dealt with.

 

Thank you,

 

~ V

 

 

Original William here - Thread starter, should you wish to provide an update or seek further input or provide any response, feel free to use the 'alert us' button on this post and contact moderation with your request. Thanks!

Edited February 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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