Karma :(

[Mrs. John Adams]

There have been many times over the past 32 years that I wished I had never told my husband about my very short affair. It would have saved him the pain of knowing.

 

But I cannot imagine having a long term affair where others may have witnessed the realtionship...and taking the risk that someday your husband may find out.

 

No way is easy... And I broke my husbands heart... But somehow I think it was better that I confessed. It did not lessen the pain... But to continue to live in the relationship with my infidelity hanging over my head...boy I just don't think that's a good idea.

 

We don't know the dynamics in your relationship... But must of us here are here as a result of betrayal...and while we all don't always agree... We do all respect each individual and what brought them here.

 

I wish you the best of luck

 

And I highly recommend reading the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair.... It is very short.. But it has some great insight that might benefit you.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's hard to reconcile the fact that this great person I once knew and who once thought the world of me (and vice versa) is now a user.

So he contacts me & plays on my emotions, this person I once thought the world of. I don't get it.

 

The mental gymnastics you're performing to justify what you've done are both common to many WS and transparent. He caught you in a weak moment, you were had, he's a user who smoothly seduced you into a relationship where he took advantage of your emotional vulnerability. You're the victim, he's the bad guy. So it's not really your fault, right?

 

That's how you rationalize not telling your husband, who now gets the Daily Double of living a lie for the rest of his life and being your fall back plan since things didn't work out with your "soulmate".

 

I'd ask you to stop and think if you really want to perpetuate that kind of fraud on someone you love and who's stood by you for 25 years? Rather than karma, your husband is simply getting screwed. Hope you reconsider...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lois_Griffin]

I've asked this before and I'm asking it again. Is there an OW on this planet that DOESN'T use that ridiculous "soul mate" phrase? Good God.

 

Even more hysterical is how these 'soul mates' who miraculously found each other usually end up NOT together because one of them turns out to be a serial cheater (like in the OP's case) or one of the 'soul mates' beats feet when the sh*t hits the fan on D-Day.

 

Conclusion: 'soul mates' is a very temporary status amongst cheaters - until they're dumped. Then they're not.

 

Therefore OP, you weren't soul mates. The guy saw an opportunity, took advantage of it, played you good, and when the thrill wore off for him, he started sniffing around elsewhere.

 

As someone else said, this isn't karma. This is a result of foolish, dishonest behavior.

 

Simple, really.

[justastatistic]

Well, yeah it is my first rodeo actually. I didn't think about STD's, yes you are right, I need to get tested. When I said that about being cold blooded, what I meant was, I'm not so cold-blooded as to not think of him, mention him...it's just too hard for me to do.

It's hard to reconcile the fact that this great person I once knew and who once thought the world of me (and vice versa) is now a user.

 

What SHOULD be hard for you to reconcile, and what you SHOULD be trying to figure out, is why someone who is married to a good man would fall so easily and deeply for another that she would cheat on her husband. I find it sad that your primary concern is that the other man didn't really want you, and not that you betrayed your husband. But then again, if this site teaches us anything it's that cheaters are, by their very nature, selfish.

[scrapbooker]

You would be best served my examining yourself, your own behavior, and your insistence on the continued deception of your husband. The OM is NOT to blame for any of that. Neither is your husband.

[Bigdaddyt]

Texasfan, it is not a matter of if, but when your Husband finds out about your affair with your old BF. It would be so much better if your Husband found out about your affair from you. A loving remorseful Wife who made an extremely poor decision. I wish you well.

[oldshirt]

Reading what you wrote & wondering.....why did he pick such a difficult target? I'm married.

 

I don't get it.

 

Difficult?????? Are you for real????

 

You were hook, line and sinker.

 

The fact that you were married didn't stop you, what makes you think it would've stopped him??

 

He had it made, you were treating him like a soulmate and waxing his pole for a year and he never had to bring you soup and Kleenex when you were sick, change the oil in your car, be nice to your parents, unclog your toilet, pay any bills in your house or do any of the stuff you expected your chump husband to do. I'm actually kind of envious of him.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

It's interesting to me that an adult can really believe in something as absurd as a "soul mate."

[Mr. Lucky]

It's interesting to me that an adult can really believe in something as absurd as a "soul mate."

 

Don't rain on the parade. Next you're going to tell us an affair isn't just a "mistake" and infidelity doesn't "just happen"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[scrapbooker]

It might help is a few people read up on what karma actually is:

 

Basic Buddhism: The Theory of Karma

 

It isn't "she cheated on me so when she got cancer and died it was karma - woohoo!"

[MuddyFootprints]

I'm not reading difficult target, either. Maybe a bit of a challenge, but I think that can be part of the sport.

[oldshirt]

I'm not reading difficult target, either. Maybe a bit of a challenge, but I think that can be part of the sport.

 

Other people's mileage may vary but back in my youth it was actually easier to hook up with married women than it was single women.

 

I don't think she even measured up to the level of 'challenge.'

[xxoo]

Reading what you wrote & wondering.....why did he pick such a difficult target? I'm married. We haven't seen each other in 25+ years. Why couldn't he just find someone in his own area, we don't live all that close to each other. He looks young, acts young, is still handsome. It wouldn't be difficult for him. So he contacts me & plays on my emotions, this person I once thought the world of. I don't get it.

 

He was fishing for an easy target, and he found one. Bored, mid-aged ex is easy pickins'. Plus, you're married, so less chance of him getting wrangled into a commitment.

[thummper]

Texas fan isn't getting the sympathy or validation she's seeking, so I think she's left the building.

[MuddyFootprints]

Reading's a good thing, too. Hopefully she's still doing that. Once in a while things begin to click and eventually the light comes on.

[Ms. Faust]

I've asked this before and I'm asking it again. Is there an OW on this planet that DOESN'T use that ridiculous "soul mate" phrase? Good God.

 

Even more hysterical is how these 'soul mates' who miraculously found each other usually end up NOT together because one of them turns out to be a serial cheater (like in the OP's case) or one of the 'soul mates' beats feet when the sh*t hits the fan on D-Day.

 

Conclusion: 'soul mates' is a very temporary status amongst cheaters - until they're dumped. Then they're not.

 

Therefore OP, you weren't soul mates. The guy saw an opportunity, took advantage of it, played you good, and when the thrill wore off for him, he started sniffing around elsewhere.

 

As someone else said, this isn't karma. This is a result of foolish, dishonest behavior.

 

Simple, really.

 

I have been wondering about this "soulmate" thing as well. Because if I read another "he was my soulmate", "we were soulmates", "he said I was his soulmate" I am going to puke unicorns and butterflies.

 

I think some people tend to just be susceptibe to this kind of nonsensical romantic talk. It's the Harlequin romance, the star crossed lovers, the whole "I saw him from across the room, our eyes met, the sparks flew..." blahblahblah. Not that I haven't had those feelings before myself, but the logical person in me says "how the hell can you be my soulmate? It's been 15 years since I've seen you and I've changed!".

 

Maybe I am cynical, that I don't really believe in soulmates. I believe that I give my all to the relationship that I am in, we create goals together, live a life together, have a family, and are perfectly simpatico. I believe that relationship is always a work in progress, and should always be my primary focus. I wasn't born or created for my significant other, but we created our life together.

 

The concept of soulmates is just too intangible for me. The idea of some dude that I banged a couple of times in high school in the backseat of a car... and who I haven't seen in years being my soulmate... is ludicrous.

[goodyblue]

The stress related illnesses will most likely continue. Every time your husband praises you as a wife, you will feel like a fraud. Every "I Love You" from you will be a lie. Every "I Love You" from him will be a dagger and another reminder that are a cheater. Every anniversary and Valentine's Day will be fake. You two will continue to live in two different realities.

 

If that is the kind of marriage you want, then keep him in the dark. If you want authenticity and mutual respect in your marriage, then tell him.

 

Nah. I don't think causing undo pain will help. I think if she recommits to her marriage and is sincere it can be a good marriage again. That whole first paragraph is not true.

 

But if there is any way the husband could find out, it could be bad. So I guess if OP keeps quiet it is a hope for the best and prepare for the worst situation.

[MuddyFootprints]

Emotional immaturity can be a huge factor in infidelity. Some cheaters are capable of growth, some are not.

[goodyblue]

I have been wondering about this "soulmate" thing as well. Because if I read another "he was my soulmate", "we were soulmates", "he said I was his soulmate" I am going to puke unicorns and butterflies.

 

I think some people tend to just be susceptibe to this kind of nonsensical romantic talk. It's the Harlequin romance, the star crossed lovers, the whole "I saw him from across the room, our eyes met, the sparks flew..." blahblahblah. Not that I haven't had those feelings before myself, but the logical person in me says "how the hell can you be my soulmate? It's been 15 years since I've seen you and I've changed!".

 

Maybe I am cynical, that I don't really believe in soulmates. I believe that I give my all to the relationship that I am in, we create goals together, live a life together, have a family, and are perfectly simpatico. I believe that relationship is always a work in progress, and should always be my primary focus. I wasn't born or created for my significant other, but we created our life together.

 

The concept of soulmates is just too intangible for me. The idea of some dude that I banged a couple of times in high school in the backseat of a car... and who I haven't seen in years being my soulmate... is ludicrous.

 

I don't believe in soul mates either. But I think some people are more compatible.

[HereNorThere]

Until you confess, you're still cheating. At this point, your entire marriage is built on a foundation of lies. Every time you see your husband, have sex or even speak with him you will think about OM and the betrayal. Seriously, how can you even look at your spouse without falling to pieces? Why is it that you have purposely suspended empathy? It's almost like you have no remorse at all. How does one get to this level of selfishness this late in life? This will eat at your marriage like a cancer until nothing is left.

 

It doesn't seem like you are cut out for a life of crime. There's a level of naïveté that surrounds your posts. For being married for 25 years, you know little of relationships and people.

 

Your husband will find out one day. You will not always be in control of your facilities. Maybe you will accidentally talk in your sleep, maybe OM's girlfriend will rat you out for revenge, maybe you'll accidentally have too much to drink, maybe you'll accidentally give your H an STD, maybe some Internet communication or technology will give him the evidence, maybe some blood pressure medicine you get prescribed one day will make you loopy, maybe you'll have surgery and talk why you are still sedated. The possibilities are limitless and we've all seen some incredible ways that spouses uncover these things.

 

Until you make this right, you are still cheating. In fact, I think it could be argued that your long-term plan to deceive your husband is worse than the physical cheating.

Edited February 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Deleted off topic allegations. ~ V

[Mr. Lucky]

The concept of soulmates is just too intangible for me. The idea of some dude that I banged a couple of times in high school in the backseat of a car... and who I haven't seen in years being my soulmate... is ludicrous.

 

It's part of the blame-shifting almost every WS engages in, though few are obvious as Texans fan. The term implies a fated outcome, as if the AP's were somehow meant to be together and therefore less responsible for the choices that brought them to that point...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Spectre]

There have been many times over the past 32 years that I wished I had never told my husband about my very short affair. It would have saved him the pain of knowing.

 

It's just utterly crazy to think a short affair should be kept quiet but a long term affair shouldn't. No see he deserves to know, whether it's long term, short term, or even just a kiss. There is no "I want to save him the pain of knowing". Look I realize you and your hubby reconciled, but people reading this need to know it's not okay to keep an affair from someone, no matter how far or how long it has lasted. You don't get to play the "I want to spare them pain" game after the fact, if you wanted to spare them pain you shouldn't of cheated. Why is it people like this always suddenly realize their partner has feelings only after they've had their fun?

 

So please: nobody read this and think keeping any kind of cheating from your partner is the right path. Experiencing some temporary pain now is preferable then being made a fool of every day because your partner banged a dude and didn't tell you about it and looked you square in the eyes everyday and didn't say a thing.

 

The only time not telling about cheating is appropriate is if you FEAR FOR YOUR LIFE from this person. But see there is a problem there, because people afraid for their life wouldn't really be cheating in the first place if they were that afraid. But lets say they overcame their fear for some sex, well, okay, if you think the guy will beat you or kill you then don't tell him. If you think he's just going to get angry, sad, and be hurt for a while then..well okay, such is life. He is not your child, it is not up to you to shield him from pain. Plus if it was up to you then you kind of failed with the whole cheating thing.

 

Again I know you specifically reconciled, but I don't want people to see what you are saying and thinking it's actually the right choice. People here tend to sometimes just hone in and listen to the one post that tells them what they want to hear no matter how illogical it may seem.

Edited February 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal attack ~ V

[harrybrown]

If you are still reading, tell your H before someone else tells him.

 

It could be your "soulmate" that sends a picture to your H of you and him or someone else that tells him.

 

Think it won't happen? So did my friend's ex wife.

 

Her soulmate sent the picture of them together after she did not do just what he wanted her to do.

 

Good luck with your H not finding out.

[Whoknew30]

It's just utterly crazy to think a short affair should be kept quiet but a long term affair shouldn't. No see he deserves to know, whether it's long term, short term, or even just a kiss. There is no "I want to save him the pain of knowing". Look I realize you and your hubby reconciled, but people reading this need to know it's not okay to keep an affair from someone, no matter how far or how long it has lasted. You don't get to play the "I want to spare them pain" game after the fact, if you wanted to spare them pain you shouldn't of cheated. Why is it people like this always suddenly realize their partner has feelings only after they've had their fun?

 

So please: nobody read this and think keeping any kind of cheating from your partner is the right path. Experiencing some temporary pain now is preferable then being made a fool of every day because your partner banged a dude and didn't tell you about it and looked you square in the eyes everyday and didn't say a thing.

 

The only time not telling about cheating is appropriate is if you FEAR FOR YOUR LIFE from this person. But see there is a problem there, because people afraid for their life wouldn't really be cheating in the first place if they were that afraid. But lets say they overcame their fear for some sex, well, okay, if you think the guy will beat you or kill you then don't tell him. If you think he's just going to get angry, sad, and be hurt for a while then..well okay, such is life. He is not your child, it is not up to you to shield him from pain. Plus if it was up to you then you kind of failed with the whole cheating thing.

 

Again I know you specifically reconciled, but I don't want people to see what you are saying and thinking it's actually the right choice. People here tend to sometimes just hone in and listen to the one post that tells them what they want to hear no matter how illogical it may seem.

 

 

 

I agree with her. Sometimes I wish I didn't tell either. & also A LOT of times a IC will tell you not to tell...if the A is really over. & some spouses would rather not know bc they know they'd forgive anyways, so why go through all that emotional crap if you already know they're going to stay.

 

There's no real wrong or right, just personal preference on how you want to handle it...for a one fling screw up. Long term & multiple A, if that's the case you shouldn't probably be married anyway.

Edited February 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for personal attack reference ~ V

[Whoknew30]

Texan...you're 50, if you've been true through your marriage & this was you screw up...id keep it to myself. i don't see it being very productive at this point in life. You got burned, you learned your lesson. It will just hurt him. After all those years & at that age...I wouldn't want to know a slip up.

 

Good luck