Struggling with nc - missing mm so much it hurts [updated]

[jenkins95]

He's told me before when he's disappeared on me that he has to have some kind of control. Whatever that means. His wife doesn't know. I have no desire to contact him since I sent that message and yes Jenkins you're right I am trying to convince myself because deep down I love this man and want to be with him

 

I know angel. It hurts like hell. but you're not alone.

 

Be strong - you're another one of my LS heroes!

[imperfectangel]

Lol I'm not anyone's hero at least I don't feel it I just don't understand how anyone can be that cold to someone they supposedly love

[jenkins95]

Lol I'm not anyone's hero at least I don't feel it I just don't understand how anyone can be that cold to someone they supposedly love

 

It's because he's in a complete mess and just wants the pain to go away. Like a lot of men he is probably a coward too and finds it easier to run and turn his back than face his problems full on. I know - I've been there a lot

 

I'm sure you mean a LOT to him - but he doesn't know left from right at the moment and he just wants to escape. You know guys - big kids, bad coping mechanisms, burying head in the sand, etc.

 

Please try to stay away from his shambles......and concentrate on you.

 

And you ARE one of my heroes - because I say so! SO THERE!

Edited March 3, 2016 by jenkins95

[imperfectangel]

Lol thank you. Today has been a good day. And he is def a conflict avoider as every time we have a disagreement he would disappear for a week or two and he clearly isn't facing the problems within his marriage

 

I just feel like after someone has been in my life for so long I expect more from them. I need to leave it be, I know that but it's so hard when you have so many questions floating around in your head

[Outofmysystem]

Imperfect, I have the same questions and feelings, MM can feel this way too and xMOW can flip the script and act just like some of these xMM....my xMOW became just as cold and uncaring.....I wish she would break NC just so I can know she really cared, but she hasn't, and I know it's tough.....I know.....hang in there.....

[imsosad]

Angel,how are you today?

I want to give you the flip side. You ask how can someone be so cold and ignore contact from a person you say you loved.

Well, i am that someone and i am dying inside.

My ex AP broke nc twice this past month.i know that if i were reading this before i would be jealous,but please believe me-it's a mess.

I ignored him.

He still means a lot to me. I miss him. I am probably somewhat in love with him. Still,i did not respond because i cant.

I committed myself to my M. Even replying-'i still miss you too but this can never happen' is carrying on the cheating in my eyes.

If i did reply, how long before it was all on again?

I am heartbroken,but i never broke nc in 8 months.

Actually, i think i hurt more than he does,even though he's the one breaking nc.

I notice that many of us, myself included, spend a lot of time guessing if our ex aps are as distraught as we are. In a way, it is a form of continuing the A.

It doesnt matter where he is, it matters where you are.

Unless he is a psychopath, he probably does miss you.

Now what?

How is it helping you progress in your healing?

If you both miss each other, does it mean the A is destined to restart?

I am asking you as well as myself.

Some days are just hard,but we'll get through them.

[imperfectangel]

I k ow it shouldn't make a difference how he feels but he just seems so cold whereas a few days before we went NC it was all the completely opposite. If he messaged me back said he was struggling but we couldn't continue maybe if he even blocked me after that for some reason that would be comforting to know, that it wasn't all for nothing and that there was actually something there between us

[imsosad]

No,angel,i totally get it.

Im just saying that him not replying does not equal him not caring.

I care so much that i cant bring myself to reply-it will tip me over the edge.

Maybe it's the same for him.

I know it hurts...hugs

[imperfectangel]

I hope so but at the same time obviously I don't him to hurt. I don't mean for it to come across that way but last time he disappeared I explained to him how bad it felt for me he did apologise so I thought that was the end of it but obviously this time it's different. He hasn't disappeared purely to score points he's done it to end it.

 

It's hard I really feel like I need him

[Popsicle]

Imperfectangel, I think there is a proper way to dump someone that applies to all regular people with normal feelings who have normal human decency. But all these notions of decency start having to be broken when you're dealing with an A, because an A can't stand up to normal rules. (At least not consistently). So what you're left with as a single OM/OW is a feeling of not only being disrespected (not often the intention of the MM, but a fact nonetheless) but just a whole lot of longing and unfulfilled desire and not getting what you need. This dynamic can never change, and the only solution is to be with someone who can be there for you (hint: it's NOT MM, he has a wife that he's obligated to). Breaking up really is for the best, so you can find a man who can give you what you deserve, and maybe your MM realized that.

[jenkins95]

Lol thank you. Today has been a good day. And he is def a conflict avoider as every time we have a disagreement he would disappear for a week or two and he clearly isn't facing the problems within his marriage

 

I just feel like after someone has been in my life for so long I expect more from them. I need to leave it be, I know that but it's so hard when you have so many questions floating around in your head

 

Yes, I totally understand. And you were with him for years, right? I so, you have genuine history with him. I can totally see why this would make it even more difficult to break away. Yes, you must have so much going around in your head, so many questions.

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through angel but I'm so glad that today has been a good day! Proud of you

[jenkins95]

Angel,how are you today?

I want to give you the flip side. You ask how can someone be so cold and ignore contact from a person you say you loved.

Well, i am that someone and i am dying inside.

My ex AP broke nc twice this past month.i know that if i were reading this before i would be jealous,but please believe me-it's a mess.

I ignored him.

He still means a lot to me. I miss him. I am probably somewhat in love with him. Still,i did not respond because i cant.

I committed myself to my M. Even replying-'i still miss you too but this can never happen' is carrying on the cheating in my eyes.

If i did reply, how long before it was all on again?

I am heartbroken,but i never broke nc in 8 months.

Actually, i think i hurt more than he does,even though he's the one breaking nc.

I notice that many of us, myself included, spend a lot of time guessing if our ex aps are as distraught as we are. In a way, it is a form of continuing the A.

It doesnt matter where he is, it matters where you are.

Unless he is a psychopath, he probably does miss you.

Now what?

How is it helping you progress in your healing?

If you both miss each other, does it mean the A is destined to restart?

I am asking you as well as myself.

Some days are just hard,but we'll get through them.

 

This makes so much sense to me imsosad.

 

In the vast majority of my posts where I am explaining aspects of my affair, what I'm thinking, etc, I imagine that I am telling this to a mainly OW audience and this is why I am most comfortable 'hanging' in the OM/OW forum than any other. Why? Because the OW that I really want to tell is now inaccessible to me, - and rightly so, for me, my M, and the OW herself. So I talk to others OWs on here instead of her. NC seems harsh and cold and cruel, but it's a known method to recover all parties involved in an affair as quickly as possible. Some kind of LC may seem, on the face of it, kinder. But ultimately delays recovery and causes insecurity, doubt and confusion.

 

I still think a lot of my OW and I really want her to have a great life, but I cannot allow myself to contact her. It would be a slap in the face to my W, and it would ultimately be damaging and confusing to the OW and myself. It seems so cold really, absolute NC, but it is a "cruel to be kind" approach, and is the right way to go.

[imperfectangel]

Has your ow broke NC Jenkins? If she did how would you react? I am annoyed that I broke NC but at the same time glad because I don't have the "pinning" feeling of missing him anymore. I was climbing the walls but since I sent that I've thought well he knows I miss him and what is he doing? Nothing. I have to keep reminding myself that if he wanted to he could leave. He isn't being held captive by ISIS

[Popsicle]

Imperfectangel, I think there is a proper way to dump someone that applies to all regular people with normal feelings who have normal human decency. But all these notions of decency start having to be broken when you're dealing with an A, because an A can't stand up to normal rules. (At least not consistently). So what you're left with as a single OM/OW is a feeling of not only being disrespected (not often the intention of the MM, but a fact nonetheless) but just a whole lot of longing and unfulfilled desire and not getting what you need. This dynamic can never change, and the only solution is to be with someone who can be there for you (hint: it's NOT MM, he has a wife that he's obligated to). Breaking up really is for the best, so you can find a man who can give you what you deserve, and maybe your MM realized that.

 

To add to this angel, you may ask yourself "well,why didn't he leave his wife for me?"

 

I think there are only two reasons why they don't leave:

 

1. The most painful of the two - he DOESNT love you more than his wife. Which I know is particularly hard when he has lead you to believe he does love you more.

Or

2. MM (And some MW) don't take their feelings seriously. Their feelings are silly things that should be dismissed.

 

You can not win with either of these stances, Angel. As painful as it may be, the faster you accept the reality of the situation, the quicker you can start healing.

 

It'll all be okay. *hugs*

[imperfectangel]

He's asked me before if I thought it was possible to love two people at the same time but never said he loved one more than the other. My answer was no. At least not in that way.

 

I believe he stays for a number of reasons all the usual cliches we hear as ow

 

But like I said to Jenkins he isn't being held captive by ISIS he could leave if he wanted to. The reason he gave me a while ago was that he'd never see his children. A very valid reason as were long distance but if that were the only reason they wouldn't of just had another child.

 

I think he's one of those people that don't own their decisions or ****ty behaviour and things just "happen" to him.

 

Thanks Popsicle

[jenkins95]

Imperfectangel, I think there is a proper way to dump someone that applies to all regular people with normal feelings who have normal human decency. But all these notions of decency start having to be broken when you're dealing with an A, because an A can't stand up to normal rules. (At least not consistently). So what you're left with as a single OM/OW is a feeling of not only being disrespected (not often the intention of the MM, but a fact nonetheless) but just a whole lot of longing and unfulfilled desire and not getting what you need. This dynamic can never change, and the only solution is to be with someone who can be there for you (hint: it's NOT MM, he has a wife that he's obligated to). Breaking up really is for the best, so you can find a man who can give you what you deserve, and maybe your MM realized that.

 

Yes pops, you are spot on.

 

As an MM, ending an affair was nothing like ending a 'normal' relationship. For one thing, the reason for ending an affair is probably going to be different. The most common reason for ending a normal R is simply that you MM want to - perhaps you don't feel enough love, enough connection, don't feel it is working, etc. Although stressful, you are at least confident that you are doing the right thing and you hopefully deal with it decisively.

 

But in an affair, the MM/MW may well still feel a very great connection, love even, for the AP, but circumstances (stress, D-day, etc) may force them into needing to end it. They therefore may experience much more stress and uncertainty, keep changing their mind, acting inconsistently, keep breaking NC, etc. On top of this, they may well be dealing with all sorts of hell at home and in their own mind, so no wonder often they make a mess of ending their affair properly.

 

Also, assuming the MM/MW is trying to reconcile their marriage, they may not have the luxury of ending the affair with the care, attention and respect that they would be able to end a normal R with. They may well have a furious spouse who is insisting that all contact is cut immediately.

 

Ending an affair can be so messy and the OW is often just thrown under a bus, not usually because the MM wants to do this, but because he is probably in so much s*** and feels like he has no choice. No wonder there are a lot of confused heart-broken OW/OMs on here who feel used and discarded.

 

Jenkies

[Popsicle]

He's asked me before if I thought it was possible to love two people at the same time but never said he loved one more than the other. My answer was no. At least not in that way.

 

I believe he stays for a number of reasons all the usual cliches we hear as ow

 

But like I said to Jenkins he isn't being held captive by ISIS he could leave if he wanted to. The reason he gave me a while ago was that he'd never see his children. A very valid reason as were long distance but if that were the only reason they wouldn't of just had another child.

 

I think he's one of those people that don't own their decisions or ****ty behaviour and things just "happen" to him.

 

Thanks Popsicle

 

I agree with you, but what can you do? *shrugs*

[jenkins95]

Has your ow broke NC Jenkins? If she did how would you react? I am annoyed that I broke NC but at the same time glad because I don't have the "pinning" feeling of missing him anymore. I was climbing the walls but since I sent that I've thought well he knows I miss him and what is he doing? Nothing. I have to keep reminding myself that if he wanted to he could leave. He isn't being held captive by ISIS

 

She did a in the early days after the affair, angel (see my post in the general section for full details). What did I feel when she did......

 

1. A massive hit - she was my drug, after all, and I don't believe any shot of heroin in the world could be better than hearing her lovely but vulnerable voice, our special little words, etc, etc in that moment.

 

2. Massive tenderness towards her. I could feel her pain, and she could feel mine. I wanted to protect her......but felt very bad because I knew I couldn't and was, indeed, the very cause of her pain.

 

3. Oh s*** - I'm supposed to be in reconciliation. What do I do now!?! Panic stations!

 

4. A mixture of 'Why the hell did you come back?' and 'I'm so glad you came back'.

 

Basically I tried to be kind and help her through it with calls, short messages, etc, let her know I cared and that I was also suffering, but at the same time, I made it clear that we had to return to NC because that was the way I had chosen to go and was committed to it. When I think back, that period (which lasted several weeks) was quite sad, because it was like we were still in an affair, but it was hollow and framed in neediness and destruction, the magic (but not the addiction) gone - a shadow of what it had been, and us a shadow of the people we'd been at the start.

 

I wish we'd maintained full NC right from the start (of the end!!), but I'm very grateful to her that she is sticking to it now, and I hope she is now glad that I am too. I SO want her to be happy and regret messing with her life. I really never meant to, but.......yeah, you've heard it all before many times I know!

Edited March 3, 2016 by jenkins95

[imperfectangel]

I realised something today that every time I break NC he is getting his hit

 

Other than posting on here I haven't even thought about contacting him. He knows where I am and he knows how I feel. Do I wish we were together? Of course but I can't make him want that

[Josmatjes]

I have been on and off no contact for a year. He breaks it everytime. Using another number. Everytime he breaks it, it brings me back to square one! It's truly awful. And then when he breaks it he sweet talks me and then I won't hear from him again. It's so painful. But what I realized was that I wasn't doing the no contact correctly. I wasn't blocking every avenue and I wasn't doing it mentally. So I found this website called asksuzie.com and I downloaded an audiotape called " dismantling an emotional affair" it is truly amazing and has helped me tremendously.she discusses what made us vulnerable to this to begin with and then she gives you 12 steps! Then she discusses each of these steps. Please look into it. Most affairs, though physical, are more emotional for woman. It's very hard to break them and the depression that comes with it is very real. I know first hand. I read her blog or listen to her whenever im down and it makes me feel better immediately! You can do this:)

[imperfectangel]

I haven't heard from him. I've been almost a week NC him since the end of January. I can't remember how many weeks now which is actually nice I've stopped keeping count. I think that shows at least a few steps forward for me.

 

Right now I have no desire to contact him but like I said I'm struggling understanding how anyone can be that cold

 

(LD I can't reply to PMs at the moment but will when I can)

[lemondrop21]

I haven't heard from him. I've been almost a week NC him since the end of January. I can't remember how many weeks now which is actually nice I've stopped keeping count. I think that shows at least a few steps forward for me.

 

Right now I have no desire to contact him but like I said I'm struggling understanding how anyone can be that cold

 

(LD I can't reply to PMs at the moment but will when I can)

 

I think in your particular MM's case, the only reason he's been able to maintain NC for as long as he has, is that you keep trying to break it, which does indeed give him his "hit." He has 100% of the power right now. If you want to take back power, you have to go NC and stay NC until he reaches out to you, which could take several weeks.

 

Not that I advocate looking at it as a power game in the long term... Better to focus on your long term healing rather than who has broken/not broken NC and for how long and for what purpose. I vascilate between the two; thinking of it as a power game and thinking about my recovery. But you know my opinion on your A, angel; yours is a VERY long term affair and it's gonna take way more than a few weeks or months of NC for it to end permanently. I'm not trying to sound discouraging at all, just being realistic. I know you're hurting so much and I can't even begin to imagine going through this hell for 6 years.

[imperfectangel]

Thanks LD, I'm doing better. I no longer feel the need to reach out to him but not hearing anything from him is KILLING me. I know it's a control thing but I hate it and he's doing it knowing that I hate it. How can he get pleasure knowing he's hurting someone he supposedly loves?

 

I do feel "over it" ATM but I'm well aware that it's too early and soon for that yet. Sunday's always seem to be the worst day for me but I've kept busy during the week which has helped

[privategal]

How long have you been in NC again?

Im sorry I am in NC too after 15 year on/off again EA. I know yours was pa but withdrawal is the same.

Ive been good. No reaching out on either end for over a month.

Im staying strong but the silence is DEAFENING. I wish to get to indifference vut cannot rush the process.

It SUCKS.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I realised something today that every time I break NC he is getting his hit

 

Other than posting on here I haven't even thought about contacting him. He knows where I am and he knows how I feel. Do I wish we were together? Of course but I can't make him want that

 

I didn't realize that either. Once again, I am making his life better and making my life worse.