Struggling with nc - missing mm so much it hurts [updated]

[jenkins95]

It's so difficult, isn't it guys. Longing for someone and something that you can't have and that is so toxic for you.

 

I think the only almost sure way through it is by having the discipline to adhere to NC for as long as it takes. It feels like hell, but we know that it works - and more than likely we will be almost normal within a year. These forums are full of people who just entered NC, some a few months into NC, other, like wanderingxsoulz, 7+ months into it. Many of these people report that they still don't feel any better. But how many people have you heard of that after 12 months of NC still feel absolutely no better? One or two people perhaps? And what about 24 months? Personally I don't know of anyone who has been in strict NC for long over a year who reports absolutely no improvement. I really hope that I am not proved wrong by a flurry of replies to this post!

 

I think it is also important what we do with that time. Some people try to block out thoughts of their AP altogether, others think of nothing else. I believe that a healthy halfway point should be aimed for. I think we need to acknowledge our pain and the part the AP played in our life and allow those thoughts to play out in our mind. At the same time, we shouldn't give in completely to them. If I find myself thinking obsessively, I try to set a mental time limit of 30 minutes during which I completely give myself to those thoughts and feelings. After 30 minutes, I force myself to do and think about something else for at least an hour.

 

Another thing I've learned is to accept the bad days when they come and not allow them to completely floor me. Occasionally we wake up and we know immediately that it is going to be a s*** day - we may not even want to get out of bed. I have given up fighting those days or wallowing in self pity. I accept them and know that the next day....or the one after that at least, will be a better day. Equally, I don't let myself get carried away if I have a particularly good day. I made that mistake early on - I took a good day to mean that I was virtually recovered. I was so gutted a few days later when I woke up feeling bad again several days later. There will be good days and bad days, and over time, the good days will start to become more numerous until we realise suddenly that we genuinely are feeling much better.

 

Deep down, it is all about re-wiring our neural pathways and rebalancing our hormones. It takes a long time but it happens naturally i we do the right things.

 

Stay with NC guys - it is worth it. And we have each other! Keep posting.

[jenkins95]

......OWs should ultimately be thankful not to end up with the MM. Most of them are horribly broken. Not necessarily bad people but selfish enough to hurt everyone with their selfishness.

 

Great post HappyAgain2014. I am an MM and you basically described me to a tee. You really are better off without us! We enter affairs subconsciously looking to replace something missing in our lives, and we end up making everything ten times worse - for our W, ourselves and for our OWs. We don't intend to hurt anyone - we are simply not thinking at all - just enjoying the little bit of heaven we have found. But it catches up with us and can't last forever. We should come with a health warning tattooed on us!

 

Of course, I can't speak for all MM - but I think the above would apply to a lot of us.

Edited February 28, 2016 by jenkins95

[imperfectangel]

I just wish I knew what he was thinking. I think if I knew he was hurting too somehow that would make me feel better. I don't want the affair back but I do want HIM. He isn't leaving so there's the exit door for me.

 

I've just come out the shower went to cry and literally there were no tears. I can't still feel it now. It made me realise I can't remember when I last cried over him. That shows progress which I'm proud of.

 

I just want him to reach out, tell me he's struggling too. I've broken NC a few times and he hasn't responded to me. I'm glad he ended it because I never could (tried many times) but his silence is speaking volumes. I think he might be doing it for my own good, idk. I guess deep down we all just want to know that we mattered. I know I did but I want to know if he misses me like I miss him. If he's thinking about me at all. I know I can't find those answers on LS but I'm sure not gonna ask him

 

I feel like a crack addict looking for the next hit. I think I'm in full withdrawal mode. Like a addict I should be locked in a room with nothing but a bucket.

 

This is way harder then I ever thought it could be

[lemondrop21]

I just wish I knew what he was thinking. I think if I knew he was hurting too somehow that would make me feel better. I don't want the affair back but I do want HIM. He isn't leaving so there's the exit door for me.

 

I've just come out the shower went to cry and literally there were no tears. I can't still feel it now. It made me realise I can't remember when I last cried over him. That shows progress which I'm proud of.

 

I just want him to reach out, tell me he's struggling too. I've broken NC a few times and he hasn't responded to me. I'm glad he ended it because I never could (tried many times) but his silence is speaking volumes. I think he might be doing it for my own good, idk. I guess deep down we all just want to know that we mattered. I know I did but I want to know if he misses me like I miss him. If he's thinking about me at all. I know I can't find those answers on LS but I'm sure not gonna ask him

 

I feel like a crack addict looking for the next hit. I think I'm in full withdrawal mode. Like a addict I should be locked in a room with nothing but a bucket.

 

This is way harder then I ever thought it could be

 

The withdrawals are TERRIBLE but they will die down in time. I know this affair has been going on for a number of years. What is the longest you've done NC?

 

Hang in there. Sometimes the best we can do, honestly, is get through the day and get to sleep. There's a chance it will feel better in the morning. And if not tomorrow morning, maybe the morning after that. At some point it WILL feel more tolerable.

[jenkins95]

I just wish I knew what he was thinking. I think if I knew he was hurting too somehow that would make me feel better. I don't want the affair back but I do want HIM. He isn't leaving so there's the exit door for me.

 

I've just come out the shower went to cry and literally there were no tears. I can't still feel it now. It made me realise I can't remember when I last cried over him. That shows progress which I'm proud of.

 

I just want him to reach out, tell me he's struggling too. I've broken NC a few times and he hasn't responded to me. I'm glad he ended it because I never could (tried many times) but his silence is speaking volumes. I think he might be doing it for my own good, idk. I guess deep down we all just want to know that we mattered. I know I did but I want to know if he misses me like I miss him. If he's thinking about me at all. I know I can't find those answers on LS but I'm sure not gonna ask him

 

I feel like a crack addict looking for the next hit. I think I'm in full withdrawal mode. Like a addict I should be locked in a room with nothing but a bucket.

 

This is way harder then I ever thought it could be

 

Angel....

 

Little hug ((((imperfectangel))))

 

I can almost guarantee you that he's hurting - and probably as much as you. I am the MM in a similar situation, and I'm certain that I suffer as much as she does, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if she thinks I simply got over it and moved on, because I wasn't as visibly upset as she was, and because I have maintained NC for months. I'd love to be able to reassure her but I simply cannot allow myself to break NC - it would be so fair on every level to everyone that it involves.

 

Remember that us guys are simpler emotionally and less able to show our feelings and thoughts than women - but believe me, those emotions and all that hurt - they are there in us too. We just hide them better because we are less equipped to display with and deal them. I remember one of our final meetings in a cafe - she broke down in tears. I just acted bewildered and confused and tried to be strong and not cause a scene in front of the other customers. To all the world it would have looked like she was suffering 50 times worse than me, but it's not true. I was dying inside - I just couldn't show it, and I kept trying to say the 'right' things when all she probably wanted to hear was that I was in hell too - as I was.

 

Angel, he is maintaining NC because he has realised all the mess he has created and he now wants to do the best thing for everyone. And the only path to that is NC. But you did (you still do and probably always will) mean something to him - a lot, you really did. I promise. And he misses you - a lot. However well he recovers, you will always be a part of him.

 

It means a lot to be able to tell you this, because I can't tell her.

 

Be strong and you will get there. Come to us - we are here for you.

[Lovetoohard]

Moving past it starts by being honest with yourself.

 

Think about all the parts of the affair that made you sad, guilty, angry, etc. Focus on how you want and deserve more.

 

Some people say you have to allow yourself to grieve. I didn't need to grieve. I needed to accept how far off the path I had allowed myself to go. I had to try to forgive myself for being involved in hurting someone else (his wife).

 

While everyone feels differently in these situations, OWs should ultimately be thankful not to end up with the MM. Most of them are horribly broken. Not necessarily bad people but selfish enough to hurt everyone with their selfishness.

 

I really think that "going NC" sets up some kind of an expectation that after a prescribed number of days, something magical is supposed to happen so that mindset often sets us up for a disappointment when we don't see that magical thing happening at the end of that prescribed period.

 

Everyone is different, but for me, after a couple of weeks after our breakup, I didn't count days or weeks. We've had LC since then, and I have an approximate idea of when xMM and I last spoke, which was about over a month ago, but I don't keep track.

 

The endgame is to remove this toxin from your life permanently. As Happy Again as mentioned, think about all the parts of this A that were negative. Think about how many times you reached what you thought was your threshold tolerance for pain and then bounced back for more, to fall even deeper until you hit your lowest level. I think for me, that final point where I hit rock bottom was when I started to feel that enough was enough and slowly, I felt peace and calm and had the clarity to assess how much damage I had done to myself and really comprehend how I could've set my sights on a relationship with a guy that was so broken. I don't know when exactly this moment of clarity and peace appeared, nor does it matter. The important part is, it happened. Also, I cannot and will not blame xMM for anything - my part was fully within my control and I just had to accept that I needed to re-gain that control. It's all about you now. You get to be selfish.

[imperfectangel]

The longest I've ever managed NC was about a month him was 2 months around this time last year. In May he faked a d day, one night in Nov/Dec we were emailing and I was drunk pretending i might disclose. I think this freaked him out. I told him a million times I wouldn't and after 17 years I would've thought he would know I wouldn't but I think it played on his mind.

 

We were set to meet up end of January but a few days before I found out he had had another child with his wife. That is his right of course but I had told him before I don't want to be in a situation where I'm seeing him while he has a pregnant wife at home yet he put me in that situation for a third time. Obviously I was pissed off but instead of apologising he told me he has too much going on without me adding to his problems and hat he needs to move on from this sort of teenage behaviour. I was devastated and told him as much he offered to meet me the next day but I said no. No way could I have taken him ending it face to face. No way am I strong enough for that. And that was the end. Haven't heard from him since.

 

I miss him

[Popsicle]

"A new love puts an old love to flight". - From The Rules of Courtly Love by Andreas Capellanus.

[imperfectangel]

"A new love puts an old love to flight". - From The Rules of Courtly Love by Andreas Capellanus.

 

 

I think he lost interest tbh we are long distance and I feel it was def out of sight, out of mind for him. He was all up for meeting/sex etc until I was mad at him. I think he'd just had enough.

[Popsicle]

I think he lost interest tbh we are long distance and I feel it was def out of sight, out of mind for him. He was all up for meeting/sex etc until I was mad at him. I think he'd just had enough.

 

I meant that when YOU find a new love, you will no longer think about MM.

 

[Popsicle]

I believe that you are single, yes?

[imperfectangel]

Oh lol my head is a mess. Yes I am single, dating but officially single.

[privategal]

I saw this today and wanted to share this random post I found presumably from an om to an ow.

Spoke volumes to me as for the insight.

He hasnt written her off but...here it is:

 

We built an intense friendship coupled with sexual desire, fantasy, and playfulness. The latter were ill-kept secrets but all of it was vivid and vibrant. The intensity was impossible to keep up given the circumstances. You left first and I left second, each partially out of necessity and partially out of self advancement. On my part, it's not that I wanted to leave it all behind or forget, but rather that I have not been able to untether the friend from the desire and fantasy that you also embody. The reality for me is that my situation is not changing nor do I want it to. Common consensus is one should not be able to have their cake and eat it too. The selfishness of me says why not, but the realist knows it's a path to destruction or hurt. I miss our friendship, but I also miss the desire, your taste, and the pictures you would tease me with. I don't know if those can or should be disconnected. Should they be? You still visit my dreams and fantasies. I still wonder how you are doing. I just don't want to use you. You're worth more than someone doing that to you. I pulled away for that reason. I don't have all the solutions and apologize for any confusion or discomfort in regards to me. My self discipline comes more from respect of you and all elements of the situation rather than my lack of care, interest, or desire. I miss it all, the friendship and all the ways we worshipped eachother.

[imperfectangel]

I am a mess.

[Mayday2016]

I am a mess.

 

 

 

((Hugs))

 

I'm having a bad day. XMM lives 4 miles away. It's so rough knowing he's just 4 miles away. That he knows I am just 4 miles away which means our daughter is 4 miles away. This is all so messed up. It's such a huge giant dramatic mess of crap and garbage and selfishness and narcissism and pain. So much pain, so much pain I feel like I'm living in this constant cycle of hell. I miss him physically, I actually ache for him, not being with him physically makes me feel like I'm withdrawing from a drug but there is no Suboxone to fix love sickness or a sexual withdrawal, there's not even time because so many people here in their circumstances, time didn't help lessen the pain, the ache.

[SolG]

I am a mess.

 

Oh (((imperfectangel))) :-( I'm afraid I'm not equipped to offer you anything of meaning. Your MM has been in your life since you were in your teens; effectively a feature of your whole adult life. That's beyond the scope of the 'normal' A on these boards.

 

Just try to believe--and I know it's hard--that noone else defines you. You need to love and care for yourself.

 

Is there someone there you can talk to IRL? Or is there a possibility of counseling?

[imperfectangel]

I'm hoping this is just a extra bad day. I think about him almost 24/7 but the past few days I've woken up in a good mood. It is only as the day goes on that I feel worse. Though he is the first and last thing I think about every day I doubt I am his.

 

When I broke NC it was to explain why I was pissed off at him then I said why am I even bothering to explain when you don't care anyway? No response. That hurt me, a lot. He never explains anything which only leaves me to guess work. No response is still a response at this point I'd feel better if he just told me to **** off

[imperfectangel]

Oh (((imperfectangel))) :-( I'm afraid I'm not equipped to offer you anything of meaning. Your MM has been in your life since you were in your teens; effectively a feature of your whole adult life. That's beyond the scope of the 'normal' A on these boards.

 

Just try to believe--and I know it's hard--that noone else defines you. You need to love and care for yourself.

 

Is there someone there you can talk to IRL? Or is there a possibility of counseling?

 

I think that is why I am struggling because of the time scale. I don't remember life without him. Literally. I have one friend IRL that knows. She hates how he's treated me but I don't want to burden her with it anymore

[jenkins95]

((Hugs))

 

I'm having a bad day. XMM lives 4 miles away. It's so rough knowing he's just 4 miles away. That he knows I am just 4 miles away which means our daughter is 4 miles away. This is all so messed up. It's such a huge giant dramatic mess of crap and garbage and selfishness and narcissism and pain. So much pain, so much pain I feel like I'm living in this constant cycle of hell. I miss him physically, I actually ache for him, not being with him physically makes me feel like I'm withdrawing from a drug but there is no Suboxone to fix love sickness or a sexual withdrawal, there's not even time because so many people here in their circumstances, time didn't help lessen the pain, the ache.

 

imperfectangel and Mayday2016

 

You guys are having a really bad day (((Hugs))) to you both. Sundays can often be the hardest day I've noticed.

 

But time really can help - if you really want to put the xMM behind you and commit to NC. It's so difficult, but you can get there. You say that there are many people on here for whom time didn't help. I have to take your word for that. I certainly have met lots of people on here that time HAS helped.

 

Just trying to send you some positive energy both. I know you are in a horrible place. Keep posting and coming to us.

[imperfectangel]

Hearing from a mm really helps. I'm glad you're here

[jenkins95]

Hearing from a mm really helps. I'm glad you're here

 

Is that addressed to me angel? Yes, I'm here...... And I'll keep checking the thread regularly. I feel you really need support at the moment. Also feel free to PM me anytime if you need some encouragement or the man perspective.

 

I feel your pain, you seem to be at rock bottom today. I'm sure you have no strength left. Just keep it together and better times are ahead.

 

I'm also going to check some of your older posts as I don't know your full history. But I'm beginning to appreciate that your R with MM was VERY long and therefore all the harder to break away from.

 

We are here for you. Even though we don't know each other IRL, we are like family on here and we mean a lot to each other. Lots of people on here wish you nothing but the best and want to see you get better. You can do it. You really can, and you are not alone

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am a mess.

 

What helps me is knowing there are only 2 choices - love him and keep the pain alive or just let the love go and set myself free. That's it. Once you let it go, like a balloon into the sky, you won't feel the pain and you can move on. You need to accept that it is never going to be. Embrace the pain, then let it go.

 

After a while you learn

the subtle difference between

holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn

that love doesn’t mean leaning

and company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn

that kisses aren’t contracts

and presents aren’t promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes ahead

with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child

and you learn

to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow’s ground is

too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down

in mid-flight.

After a while you learn

that even sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone

to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure

you really are strong

you really do have worth

and you learn

and you learn

with every goodbye, you learn…

[SolG]

I think that is why I am struggling because of the time scale. I don't remember life without him. Literally. I have one friend IRL that knows. She hates how he's treated me but I don't want to burden her with it anymore

 

Of course you're struggling hun. There's no shame in that. You don't need to just deal with the A.... but effectively a whole lifetime of this dysfunction. When you go through something for that long, particular through your impressionable formative years, it can really do a number on you.

 

BUT, you're not broken or fundamentally flawed. You're pefectly imperfectly human. You just need to get through this and out the other side.

 

If you really don't think you can talk to your friend, is there any other avenue? Most places have at least some voluntary/community counseling services. Can you connect with a support group? I think you would benefit from the help.

Edited February 28, 2016 by SolG

[imperfectangel]

I don't want to talk to anyone IRL about it tbh. Maybe in time but not now. I'm not ready. I like being able to just be me without the judgement that comes with being another woman. I'm sure I'd lose friends if some people knew they esp wouldn't wan time around their husbands. Mud sticks around here and I don't want that kind of label. My friend that knows lives near him not me.

 

I feel there's too much history there for me to go over anyway. I went to school with the friend that knows, she remembers when we first met and has been there through it all. She understands

 

Right now I just want him and the comfort that comes from talking to him. I must admit I was reading old emails and listening to voicemails until about 2 am last night. It's impossible to feel worse. But what's making it so hard is his attitude towards me. That I am disposable and "done with". He told me he has problems at work and home and doesn't need me adding to them. That hurts me a lot to be treated like a thorn in someone's side when to me he was everything I wanted

[RRM321]

What do you do with yourself?! I'm very busy but still I keep zoning out thinking about mm. When I'm at the store thinking about mm when I'm at work thinking about mm. All my thoughts are drowned out by him. It's been 4 weeks.

 

How do you get past this part? I feel stuck. I want the a back. No I want the feelings from the a back. I miss him. Not just sex but talking to him, he always used to put a smile on my face. I miss his smell his manorisms everything.

 

I'm keeping busy from the moment I get up til the time I go to bed. I've lost 15lbs.

 

How can I get past this part?

 

Get to work finding something real that is all your own. You want to be in a relationship so, why borrow or rent when you can own?

 

There's at least some baseline truth in the saying: "The best way to get over a man, is to get under a new one."