Struggling with nc - missing mm so much it hurts [updated]

[Miss Clavel]

I'm feeling a bit better. I didn't cry last night. But I can't sleep and I don't think that that is helping me. I need to sleep. I have no energy and can't get going. I don't check my phone as much (used to check every hour now it's morning and evening)

 

I can make it I just wish I didn't have to

 

 

what are you hoping to see on the phone? be honest. then, change the number or change his name in your contacts, to, PAIN.

[Miss Clavel]

I am unhappy. I'm very much considering exposing him. I have one friend IRL that knows about the A and she thinks I should tell his wife. I found her fb page but I just don't have it in me to do it to his children

 

 

what are you hoping will be her reaction to a cheater telling her her husband is also a cheater?

 

how much credibility are you hoping to have after he gets done slut shaming you, spinning it, so to speak, to her?

 

he is not good enough for you. the main reason being that he is married. hello?

[imperfectangel]

what are you hoping to see on the phone? be honest. then, change the number or change his name in your contacts, to, PAIN.

 

I want him to tell me he wants to be with me then put a plan into action. I already have his number saved as ignore

[Gigi2015]

I want him to tell me he wants to be with me then put a plan into action. I already have his number saved as ignore

 

You wanting for this to happen doesn't change the outcome...no matter how much you hurt. You proving to him just how much this hurts is also not producing the outcome you expect. He knows and is staying put. Questions people in affairs ask: Why I'm I not good enough? Does he not care about my pain? Truth is you have attached your sense of worth based on the outcome. That's more than likely why you're fighting so hard. You don't need to lead him. Even if you did he'd still make his own choices. People do what they want.my guess is he'll keep coming around for as long as you let him. He's telling himself he's actions speak for themselves and you should be able to understand that....see how conflict avoidance works?

[imperfectangel]

He is very much a conflict avoider and I don't think I'm far off. I'm still NC and will continue to be so. I have fleeting thoughts of exposing but right now it'd be for the wrong reasons I don't want to look like a crazy OW that's just doing it out of revenge

[Dylon]

I went back to read all your stories, since you started this 2011. It's quite an experience to read how long this has been in one sitting. First, I heard you said you were 27 years old, then 28, 29, 30, and now 31. No change, same story of effort of NC and how cold this man is. To hear that you are in love with this man since you were 14 and he's 15 and you still have your eyes on him is really a telling story. To hear your effort of NC for that long is heart breaking, and to hear how cold this guy to you, outright cruel at times, puzzles me why you love him. I have a lot of questions since over the years, everything that needed to be said has been said on LS, about NC, the situation, ect.

 

First, what I think of him. You loved him since he was 15 and you pursued him since then. Now he's 32. During all this time, he got married and had several kids. You were always there as a side friend, interest, or a fling. Reading your back stories, it's clear that during moments of arguments, he doesn't really care about NC. He's happy that it's done. Once in a while, when you are available, he misses that longing you always had for him. During contacts, you always repledged your love for him. Sure you had some words for him but after so many years, I don't think he buys into your "over" comments. Your NC means nothing to him. Read your own threads and you will see how you failed to stay away for so many years. From his side, he doesn't care. You loved him since he's 15, and he doesn't know what it's like for you to be completely gone. He has nothing to lose to treat you as he wishes. That's sad, right? Through time, he became more and more cold to you because you allowed him to. You spoiled him with the attention and pledge of love. He stays silent when you pledge your desire and love because he can't do the same to you. If he's into you or even slightly care, he would have replied often, as like most MM when they have an interest in an affair. It's been too long and old and he doesn't care. I'm sorry to say it blunt. I feel your hurt. But you know, who cares about him! Let's talk about you since you rarely spoke about yourself and your own life over the years, just about him and the problems.

 

First, why you love this man since you were 14? He can't be that great. Obviously no one here who followed your story can see any deeming quality in this guy. He didn't even do enough to keep your love going so how is it possible? Usually, we fall out of love when we realize that the love is not reciprocated and through time, it dies, or that we meet someone else and that old love is history. What happened to you in your life? Did you never since age 14 like/love another man? Are you sure this isn't just an obsession of a man that you can't have and you just won't give up? You rarely spoke to him over the years and hardly saw him, so what do you do with your time? I just can't imagine that you lived your life wanting him for that long. I don't think you have problem with loneliness either because even though you focused on him since age 14, he never had the time for you and spent much time with you, especially since 2011. Most of the time, it was NC or LC. What's your life like? Maybe it's time to examine this part and see how you can change. It's 2016 now and I didn't see you progress since 2011. You said the same things since 2011 that it's over, he doesn't love you, ect. What do you think?

[imperfectangel]

Wow Dylan well I must admit I don't post every detail online. I usually only post when attempting NC as I need the support. He has told me he loves me but doesn't think I take "us" seriously. He's tried to visit me many times but I turn him down as I'm scared of getting too attached.

 

Of course I have had relationships but it always feels like somethings "missing" in them. With mm everything is relaxed and easy when we are together there's no effort we just click. I don't get that with other men.

 

Mm also doesn't know about the baby I lost which I think is another thing that bonds me to him. I didn't tell him as I didn't want to hurt him and there was nothing he could do. I was also scared he'd see it as a lucky escape.

[Gigi2015]

Wow Dylan well I must admit I don't post every detail online. I usually only post when attempting NC as I need the support. He has told me he loves me but doesn't think I take "us" seriously. He's tried to visit me many times but I turn him down as I'm scared of getting too attached.

 

Of course I have had relationships but it always feels like somethings "missing" in them. With mm everything is relaxed and easy when we are together there's no effort we just click. I don't get that with other men.

 

Mm also doesn't know about the baby I lost which I think is another thing that bonds me to him. I didn't tell him as I didn't want to hurt him and there was nothing he could do. I was also scared he'd see it as a lucky escape.

 

Sometimes people don't pull the trigger because deep down inside they know the outcome.

[LivingWaterPlease]

((((((imperfectangel)))))) just wanted to give you a hug! SO GLAD you are staying nc!!! Yaaaay for you! You are entering a new and wonderful time of your life......seriously

[imperfectangel]

I have to stay NC. Nothing will change with him. I just can't sleep, never have been able to if I have a fall out with anyone let alone mm. My life is full. I never ever stop. But mm is always in my head. I'm just grateful we are long distance and I have no chance of bumping into him

[Gigi2015]

I have to stay NC. Nothing will change with him. I just can't sleep, never have been able to if I have a fall out with anyone let alone mm. My life is full. I never ever stop. But mm is always in my head. I'm just grateful we are long distance and I have no chance of bumping into him

 

This too shall pass. When it does you'll feel grateful he's not yours....you'll feel destiny gave you a break!!! Stay NC

Edited February 4, 2016 by Gigi2015

[Gigi2015]

I have to stay NC. Nothing will change with him. I just can't sleep, never have been able to if I have a fall out with anyone let alone mm. My life is full. I never ever stop. But mm is always in my head. I'm just grateful we are long distance and I have no chance of bumping into him

 

 

Always ask what ACTIIONS has he taken to prove his love?! Disregard words...

[imperfectangel]

Always ask what ACTIIONS has he taken to prove his love?! Disregard words...

 

I've definitely learnt that over the last few weeks. My only regret is not meeting him that last day I know that he would've just fed me lines but still I'm always gonna think I missed a chance maybe to hear he felt the same as me. I've always had the impression he just doesn't have the guts to leave maybe that's right or maybe he stays through love for his wife and family who knows? But what I do knownis he's had chance after chance with me and while he may risk everything at home to see me he's risking everything with me staying home and that doesn't seem to bother him

[Forceawakensme]

I've definitely learnt that over the last few weeks. My only regret is not meeting him that last day I know that he would've just fed me lines but still I'm always gonna think I missed a chance maybe to hear he felt the same as me. I've always had the impression he just doesn't have the guts to leave maybe that's right or maybe he stays through love for his wife and family who knows? But what I do knownis he's had chance after chance with me and while he may risk everything at home to see me he's risking everything with me staying home and that doesn't seem to bother him

 

IMperfectangel Just want to say i hear you and feel your pain -- im right there with you sister:).

 

Very good point at the end too -- He (and mine) both had plenty of chances. They risked things to be with us, which they viewed as calculated risk. Ultimately though, in the final analysis we we didn't come off on top with the risk/reward when it came to leaving.

 

I know we'll get through it.. Im struggling today though. Pain in chest and just want to curl up in bed.

[imperfectangel]

IMperfectangel Just want to say i hear you and feel your pain -- im right there with you sister:).

 

Very good point at the end too -- He (and mine) both had plenty of chances. They risked things to be with us, which they viewed as calculated risk. Ultimately though, in the final analysis we we didn't come off on top with the risk/reward when it came to leaving.

 

I know we'll get through it.. Im struggling today though. Pain in chest and just want to curl up in bed.

 

I am dying to have time to just rest and "be" without anyone bothering me I don't feel I have the head space to come to terms with everything. He may as well of died tbh it cuts that deep for me

[Forceawakensme]

I am dying to have time to just rest and "be" without anyone bothering me I don't feel I have the head space to come to terms with everything. He may as well of died tbh it cuts that deep for me

 

 

I know it hurts so much:( -- Take that time you need. The space. I do think we need to watch how much we isolate ourselves though as (at least for me), my only desire is to be alone and with my thoughts but there is a fine line between processing the pain and re-living it in a destructive way.

 

Also, for what its worth, i would do anything to be in your shoes. i ended our A when i didn't know how he felt and it hurt but NOTHING like when i had that final meeting and he poured out his feelings and told me how he felt and that he couldn't see me/ talk to me or have anything to with me because his feelings were so strong and hurting him... his constantly longing for me was ruing his life and yet he was honest and saying..he just wasnt willing to walk away from his kids, businesses, reputation and huge network of family and friends. He has high profile public job and his wife/family is very much a part of that.. Perhaps its was lines, but i dont think so. He had his 'out' when i ended it.. to meet with me and pour his heart to me may have felt cathartic to him but for me its left me pining more than ever. Missing them when we think they love us is far worse than being pissed at the 'jerk' .. -- I'd take jerk any day. Much easier to heal from IMO.

Edited February 4, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[imperfectangel]

I think he's very conflicted. But that's his issue. The ILYs were more from him and I shut him down 9/10 times. I didn't want that if he wasn't going to do anything about it.

 

I understand what you mean about the jerk part but likewise your mm could've been with you. They can all leave their wives. There are many reasons to stay married sure but there's also reasons to leave if people are havin affairs.

 

I'm feeling a little stronger today. I haven't cried at all. I don't "feel" sad. I am sad obviously but there's no tears and no lounging around the house feeling sorry for myself. He has made his choices

[Forceawakensme]

Yep yep yep --- Screw them and their 'conflicted minds'.

 

I cant even say hes indecisive anymore. Hes made his choice, time for me to accept it or i'll lose precious months pining for someone that may or may not love me but has ultimately decided not to be with me.

 

Love your attitude today, im following suit. Enough of the wallowing (at least for today:).

[Grey Cloud]

I know it hurts so much:( -- Take that time you need. The space. I do think we need to watch how much we isolate ourselves though as (at least for me), my only desire is to be alone and with my thoughts but there is a fine line between processing the pain and re-living it in a destructive way.

 

Also, for what its worth, i would do anything to be in your shoes. i ended our A when i didn't know how he felt and it hurt but NOTHING like when i had that final meeting and he poured out his feelings and told me how he felt and that he couldn't see me/ talk to me or have anything to with me because his feelings were so strong and hurting him... his constantly longing for me was ruing his life and yet he was honest and saying..he just wasnt willing to walk away from his kids, businesses, reputation and huge network of family and friends. He has high profile public job and his wife/family is very much a part of that.. Perhaps its was lines, but i dont think so. He had his 'out' when i ended it.. to meet with me and pour his heart to me may have felt cathartic to him but for me its left me pining more than ever. Missing them when we think they love us is far worse than being pissed at the 'jerk' .. -- I'd take jerk any day. Much easier to heal from IMO.

 

This is exactly what I am going through at the moment!!! My MM said exactly the same - the constant longing for me was taking over his life and he has to walk away to give his marriage a chance. His long have you been in NC? Is it working? I agree, I want to be pissed at him but him pouring his heart out as left me thinking this is going to be really hard (to walk away). And yet I must.

[imperfectangel]

What do you do with yourself?! I'm very busy but still I keep zoning out thinking about mm. When I'm at the store thinking about mm when I'm at work thinking about mm. All my thoughts are drowned out by him. It's been 4 weeks.

 

How do you get past this part? I feel stuck. I want the a back. No I want the feelings from the a back. I miss him. Not just sex but talking to him, he always used to put a smile on my face. I miss his smell his manorisms everything.

 

I'm keeping busy from the moment I get up til the time I go to bed. I've lost 15lbs.

 

How can I get past this part?

[yodelwithyu]

I want to know too. I am always thinking of him. Last time it was in a falling apart type of way all the time. Jabs to the heart and pinches to the skin. But this time it is different. Mostly images and random thoughts that don't always take my breath away. But they are there all day, no matter what I am doing. It feels gross, obsessive and creepy as hell. I, too, space out. I mean it is literally most of the day and some of the nights, when I dream about him or us or them taunting me. I want it to stop.

 

Hang in there, you are totally not alone. But I know sometimes that doesn't really help.

[wanderingxsoulz]

Wish I had an answer, but I went up to 7 months of NC (before breaking it) and I haven't thought about MM any less. Nor has the pain subsided...

[lemondrop21]

Wish I had an answer, but I went up to 7 months of NC (before breaking it) and I haven't thought about MM any less. Nor has the pain subsided...

 

This is frightening. I'm not familiar with your story and I will go back and skim through it, but can I ask quickly how long you were in the A?

[HappyAgain2014]

Moving past it starts by being honest with yourself.

 

Think about all the parts of the affair that made you sad, guilty, angry, etc. Focus on how you want and deserve more.

 

Some people say you have to allow yourself to grieve. I didn't need to grieve. I needed to accept how far off the path I had allowed myself to go. I had to try to forgive myself for being involved in hurting someone else (his wife).

 

While everyone feels differently in these situations, OWs should ultimately be thankful not to end up with the MM. Most of them are horribly broken. Not necessarily bad people but selfish enough to hurt everyone with their selfishness.

[lemondrop21]

Yeah I have to assume this constant thinking of them is common, especially when you fell deeply for them. There's a suggestion I've read for trying to break a bad habit, that you snap a rubber band on your wrist every time you do it. I personally find this hilarious, because I would end up with a welted, possibly bleeding wrist if I snapped a rubber band every time I thought about xMM. It's all day, all the time.

 

The thing is, I thought about MM quite a lot when I was actually in the A, as well. More than he thought about me I'm sure, because while he had his compartmentalized life with his family, I went home to no one. There were times when I was busy with friends and I wasn't really thinking of him much, BUT when things were bad between us (which was often, toward the end) I was constantly thinking about him, about the A, about whether and how to end it, and so on.

 

So really I've just replaced one type of painful obsessing with another.