katiegrl Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 It's better to have someone referred to her than a stranger from the street even if it's a female. My daughter always preferred to have male room-mates as they are drama free. She had male room-mates from 22 to 28 yo and never ever had an issues with them. Another fair point....although her cousin's male friend would still be a stranger to her. That said I think much of my opinion comes from my own personal feelings. Personally, I would not feel comfortable with a male roommate other than my boyfriend, husband, a family member or close friend I have known for a long time. Would feel MUCH more comfortable with a female, regardless of whether or not I was even in a RL. Just me though...again to each his own. 3
katiegrl Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 It's common sense. For those of us who have dating experience we know that a relationship under 6 months can abort anytime. You don't really know someone until you've dated them a full year at which point you can start making important compromise to be with them. Gaeta, a relationship can abort anytime...even after six years! And you NEVER truly know someone no matter how long you are in a RL with them. And as I said, some couples are making life decisions together after four months, which IMO would warrant taking his/her feelings into consideration. I certainly would! Other couples are still only casually dating.... so no not so much. There is no set time limit on these things, every couple is different, and what would work for you may not work for someone else or another couple.
Gaeta Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Have to disagree here....you are correct on the prospects of a new R aborting at any time, thinking with an entirely objective head, however this is, again, during the Honeymoon phase and she has made a choice...first She asked him twice what he thought and made her choice inspite of his "feeling uncomfortable"....why did she ask in the first place???? She was expecting him to change his mind? He now has a choice, is this indicative of their relationship going forward in that if he has an opinion and is asked, shares that opinion and then she does what she intended to do all along? Is this the relationship HE wants....that's his choice.....notice never mentioned cheating at all here.... She asked him to seek his advice on the matter just like I asked about 6 different people 2-3 times before buying my car. I still bought a Dodge even if everyone had told me not to. It's not because she asked him what he thought on the matter that it meant she was willing to compromise. 1
GorillaTheater Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 She asked him to seek his advice on the matter just like I asked about 6 different people 2-3 times before buying my car. I still bought a Dodge even if everyone had told me not to. It's not because she asked him what he thought on the matter that it meant she was willing to compromise. It's certainly her prerogative not to compromise, just as it's the OP's prerogative not to compromise on this issue. This situation seems pretty straight-forward to me. 3
Gaeta Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 They see each other 3 times a week after 4 months dating. That's the same rate as people dating for half that time. That's exclusive but still casual. If they were at the point of staying at each other's place and alternate etc. THAT I would consider an invested and serious relationship worthy of making decisions together.
katiegrl Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 (edited) There is actually no right or wrong here. SHE did what was right for her -- which as GT said, is her prerogative. HE needs to do what is right for him -- if that means moving on, then that is HIS prerogative. Neither should feel bad or guilty about their respective decisions. We all need to do what is right for US. Edited February 2, 2016 by katiegrl 2
kendahke Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 I didn't really get that sense from the original post. She asked him twice. First was to see how he felt, second to see if maybe he had warmed up to the idea. At no point did she talk to him about actually making a decision and that she didn't want it to affect them. She randomly sprung that up on him. "Oh by the way, he's moving in next week." hence me saying: You told her how you felt and unfortunately for you, she decided that the income was worth you being hurt over it. That there is something to think about. This relationship might be at its expiration date. 3 - 6 months is usually make or break time for new relationships. 2
kendahke Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 A good man would never let a great woman go. He would marry her. Only if that good man was in a position to marry her. Sometimes, the timing isn't right for good/great people. And "good" is in the opinion of the person in question. Most people think they're good or great people--some of their ex's would beg to differ.
truth_seeker Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 One last point, I have had female roommates before. I had some kind of sex with all of them. The people acting like that stuff doesn't happen, these things are only monetary transactions...they need to get out more. Here is the point that should close out this thread. 1
RedRobin Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 What if she got a female roommate and the OPs girlfriend discovers she has a thing for women? And no, the new roomie isn't into threesomes, lol. Or her new roommate is into some new kind of drug she's always been curious about, but never tried? ...or...or... Likes to drink and party and teaches OPs girlfriend some new tricks. ...or... Likes to invite lots of guys over... Some that take a liking to the OPs girlfriend. See where this is going? Having a female roommate ain't guarantee of anything... Character isn't gender specific. The OP needs to find someone else he can control and boss around. Yep. 2
GorillaTheater Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 The OP needs to find someone else he can control and boss around. Yep. Wait wait, we don't know for sure whether he's significantly older than her. 1
RedRobin Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 This thread is amusing. I am especially fond of the argument that a person in a 4 month old relationship should not base "life choices" on their partner's wishes. It's not like this girl is deciding whether or not she should take that lucrative job offer across the country, she is deciding whether or not to let some dude come and shack up with her. Yeah, some dude. He isn't a brother, a cousin, or even an old friend, he is her father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. My bad, it's her friend's cousin...who is probably nobody to her. She even admits that she doesn't particularly need the extra income this dude is going to provide. It comes down to priorities. I know that if I was into the girl I was seeing for four months, I wouldn't let some girl come and move in with me. There is a good chance something like that can cause problems in a budding relationship, as evidenced by this thread. One last point, I have had female roommates before. I had some kind of sex with all of them. The people acting like that stuff doesn't happen, these things are only monetary transactions...they need to get out more. whatever. Just because you screw your roommates doesn't mean other people do. Like I said.... Projection. The OP is projecting what he would do. Maybe his girlfriend should dump him for having the mind of a cheater. It's something I screen for these days. Guys who can't control themselves who believe other people can't either. It's a problem.... Especially when jealousy and insecurity ruin what could be a very good relationship. Fact is, we can't control anyone when they are out of our sight. Some people respond by trying to always keep their loved ones in their sight. Some people respond by bullying and threats (of varying degree). Me? I let people hang with their own rope... Sometimes they do. Sometimes, they don't and I have a new person in my life I can trust. 2
RedRobin Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Wait wait, we don't know for sure whether he's significantly older than her. Lol. Would be funny if he was. Doesn't matter though. He says he makes a lot more money. Maybe he thinks that should translate to mindless subservience? I don't see him offering to make up the difference, or offering any other suggestions. (Shaking head). 1
kendahke Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 she is deciding whether or not to let some dude come and shack up with her. Renting a room to a tenant isn't shaking up. Shacking up is when while in a relationship, he moved in with her or she him and didn't pay rent and carried themselves as a committed couple. Yeah, some dude. He isn't a brother, a cousin, or even an old friend, he is her father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. My bad, it's her friend's cousin...who is probably nobody to her. She even admits that she doesn't particularly need the extra income this dude is going to provide. Still, at the end of the day, it's her decision, her house and she decided that she did want the income and for her, it was a fair enough exchange for his comfort level. OP doesn't have to go along with this. He is free to bail at any time--the sooner the better. I know that if I was into the girl I was seeing for four months, I wouldn't let some girl come and move in with me. And this, I believe, is the very crux of the issue that perhaps OP isn't seeing: she's not as into him as he believes she is. She seems to be more into her own convenience and comfort than OP's--and that speaks volumes which seems to have fallen on deaf ears on OP's part. IMO, a person does what she did when she doesn't understand or ignores the expectations of the relationship she's in. One last point, I have had female roommates before. I had some kind of sex with all of them. The people acting like that stuff doesn't happen, these things are only monetary transactions...they need to get out more. This always comes down to the integrity and character of the people involved. A lot of people have roommates of the opposite sex and do not sexually approach them. Those who do engage in this kind of behavior think everyone else does the same--kind of like cheaters who think everyone else cheats. 1
RedRobin Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Oh, and if my BF had a history of sleeping around and effing his roommates... I wouldn't be so naive to think that him not having a female roommate guarantees he would be faithful to me. Promiscuous people may cheat more. I think I read somewhere that was the case... Certainly has been true in my observation. The OP hasn't said anything about why he'd worry about his GF cheating. If he has trust issues, in general, I suggest he seek a counselor or at least talk to his GF. Having her rearrange her life won't fix it. 1
Woggle Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 I would love to see what the responses would be in here if the genders were reversed. 1
kendahke Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 I would love to see what the responses would be in here if the genders were reversed. I'd say the same thing. "Girl, you're with the wrong guy". 2
WaitingForBardot Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 I think it's basically just a compatibility issue: Some people are comfortable with coed living arrangements and some are not. I'm not sure it's always about potential cheating but maybe a lot of the time it is; hadn't really thought about it before. I have lived with women roommates since I first went off to university right up until I moved in with my wife after we were married. Most of this time I was concurrently in LTRs as were many of the women and it never seemed to be a problem for anyone. I for one would be pretty wary of any woman that trusted me so little that a female roommate would be a make or break thing for the relationship. Not so much because I thought they might stray themselves but rather because of their lack of trust. Like RR, I give everyone the benefit of the doubt until they show me that it is not deserved. 3
katiegrl Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 (edited) whatever. Just because you screw your roommates doesn't mean other people do. Like I said.... Projection. And just because you don't screw your roommates ... or ever had a male roommate want to screw you.... doesn't mean that others haven't (or wanted to), or that other male/female roommate situations have not resulted in an attraction developing between them. And isn't projecting exactly what YOU are doing? Projecting YOUR experiences on to others? For god's sake, your experiences are NOT the be-all-and-end-all of what happens in life to everyone. Jesus. Edited February 2, 2016 by katiegrl
Gaeta Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 On two separate occasions I found myself beginning a new relationship while having a female roommate. In both situations, the girl I started seeing was very upset by the situation, and those female roommates had to find somewhere else to stay. How old were you, 21? This woman here is in her 40s. I doubt a 40 yo woman wants to play roomies like she's 21.
WaitingForBardot Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 ... The people acting like that stuff doesn't happen, these things are only monetary transactions...they need to get out more. And just because you don't screw your roommates ... or ever had a male roommate want to screw you.... doesn't mean that others haven't (or wanted to), or that other male/female roommate situations have not resulted in an attraction developing between them. ... I'm going to have to go back and re-read this entire thread. I just don't recall anyone saying this never happens. And for the sake of full disclosure, I got frisky with a couple of my female roommates. We were single at the time and were giving things a shot, just didn't work out.
katiegrl Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Since the OP's girlfriend isn't doing this for the money....but because she is doing her cousin a favor.... and this guy needs a place to stay, OP, why not suggest he stay with YOU instead? LOL :bunny: 2
WaitingForBardot Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Since the OP's girlfriend isn't doing this for the money....but because she is doing her cousin a favor.... and this guy needs a place to stay, OP, why not suggest he stay with YOU instead? LOL :bunny: I'm not actually sure we want to solve his problem..., what are we going to talk about then... ..lol... 1
katiegrl Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 I'm going to have to go back and re-read this entire thread. I just don't recall anyone saying this never happens. And for the sake of full disclosure, I got frisky with a couple of my female roommates. We were single at the time and were giving things a shot, just didn't work out. RR has suggested numerous times it has never happened to her.... therefore never happened to anyone else.
Gaeta Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Personally I feel OP is acting like a young insecure college boy. First he has a fit because his girlfriend doesn't want to have unprotected sex for 7 days and he acts all entitled and passive-agressive. Now he's showing how distrustful he is and how he sees cheating everywhere. In my 40s I would expect my boyfriend to trust me, trust my judgement and trust my decisions. I would also expect him to consider me an adult who knows how to keep her distance with a male room-mate. 2
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