Girlfriend having male roommate move in

[katiegrl]

I'll be honest, the more this sinks in the more of a problem it is for me. When we got together this wasn't the situation I signed up for.

 

I hear ya. Imagining the two of them home every night, watching TV, eating together, sharing a bottle of wine, watching a movie.... while you're at home, alone, imagining them together, not know what the hell MIGHT be going on.

 

If it were an already established roommate situation when you met her, that would be different as it would have already been determined that there was NO attraction.

 

But no way would I, as a woman, feel comfortable with that (my boyfriend having a female suddenly move in). And I am about the LEAST insecure person around.

[Mariner]

It's disrespectful to the relationship to put either one of us in this situation.

 

When she told me the guy was moving in she told me that she was afraid I'd leave her over it. I call bs. If that was truly the case she wouldn't have made the choice.

[BlueIris]

If it’s not ok with you, be honest and tell her.

 

Personally, If I were in her position I’d take the boarder for my own financial well-being. So if you can't tolerate that, you two aren't a match.

[katiegrl]

It's disrespectful to the relationship to put either on of us in this situation.

 

It's also insensitive. If my boyfriend (referring to my recent ex), needed a rommmate to help with finances...he would NEVER look for or agree to a female moving in....out of consideration for me, my feelings and the RL in general. And he would expect the same from me.

 

He would graciously tell his friend.... "I'd love to help out but I am in a committed RL....and wouldn't feel right about it. Sorry."

Edited February 1, 2016 by katiegrl

[Mariner]

The issue isn't money for her. She just wants extra cash. She made the comment that if I saw her bank account I'd really be upset that she was doing this. She wants to get ahead, even more.

[BlueIris]

The issue isn't money for her. She just wants extra cash. She made the comment that if I saw her bank account I'd really be upset that she was doing this.

 

Well, wanting extra cash is still a financial advantage. Maybe she's a saver or loves expensive things so she wants cash. Anyway, you don't like her choice and it's rankling you, so speak up and move on to someone who takes the same perspective you do about this.

 

She asked you twice and still did what she wanted to. I would have too. Eh, different strokes. I lived in co-ed communal houses for years so it wouldn't phase me or my friends. But it does phase you. That's ok. There is no Right Way and Wrong Way here, in my opinion.

[Emilia]

The issue isn't money for her. She just wants extra cash. She made the comment that if I saw her bank account I'd really be upset that she was doing this. She wants to get ahead, even more.

 

I'm assuming the real issue is that she is more affluent than you and will be even more so. It's only been 4 months, just make a decision!

[Mariner]

I make a considerable amount more than she does.

[GravityMan]

The OP's girlfriend made a mistake by asking the OP in the first place. She's an adult. She has her own house. She's capable of making her own decisions without seeking approval from anyone else, including someone she's dating. Now, it would have been courteous and respectful for her to give the OP advance notice (this is different from asking) that the guy was moving in. But she's not obligated to do even that. In any case, the OP can either get over it, or terminate the relationship...his choice.

 

It is simple. The OP has maturity issues and needs to grow up. Decent folks have opposite sex roommates, friendships etc all the time, and boundaries are respected just fine. Get used to that.

 

I think this relationship is on very thin ice and may not be salvageable. The OP may not be ready for a serious relationship. This situation highlights why insecurity can be corrosive and poisonous to the health of a relationship.

[RedRobin]

If the OP is so much more affluent than his GF, then he should understand the desire to make the most out of her house.

 

People here are painting an unrealistic situation. Making her out to be a cheater. it would leave a bad taste in my mouth...

 

I think the OP is being unreasonable and controlling. Maybe he should suggest she wear an ankle cuff and put a gps tracker on her car too, lol.

[Gaeta]

I hear ya. Imagining the two of them home every night, watching TV, eating together, sharing a bottle of wine, watching a movie.... while you're at home, alone, imagining them together, not know what the hell MIGHT be going on.

 

If it were an already established roommate situation when you met her, that would be different as it would have already been determined that there was NO attraction.

 

But no way would I, as a woman, feel comfortable with that (my boyfriend having a female suddenly move in). And I am about the LEAST insecure person around.

 

For all we know the cousin's friend is 75 years old. Or he's 5'1'' 300-lbs. Or he has a girlfriend himself, or.....a million other thing.

 

You're not serious when you say they will share meals and bottle of wine together right? Room-mates don't do that. She's not a college girl any more.

[Gaeta]

I'll be honest, the more this sinks in the more of a problem it is for me. When we got together this wasn't the situation I signed up for.

 

Why don't you wait and see who that room-mate is before jumping the gun?

[katiegrl]

For all we know the cousin's friend is 75 years old. Or he's 5'1'' 300-lbs. Or he has a girlfriend himself, or.....a million other thing.

 

You're not serious when you say they will share meals and bottle of wine together right? Room-mates don't do that. She's not a college girl any more.

 

Before I moved in with my ex, I had a female roommate, we got along super well and yes we did all of that.

 

My friend Rosa has a female roommate and they are always doing stuff together, and when I am over there, all three of us hang out together, drinking beer (or whatevs)....making dinner, watching a movie.

 

Are you thinking of a tenant/landlord situation? If so, then yes you would be correct. Landlord/tenant is strictly business. They don't interact, etc.

 

But this is different -- she's a roommate.

 

That is how it is in the U.S. anyway for the most part.

 

When I see ads for a roommate the person placing the ad describes him/herself and is looking for someone with whom they are compatible and have things in common. Compatibility is super important in a roommate situation but NOT a landlord/tenant situation, where the tenant simply rents out a room or an apartment from the landlord. There is no interaction, etc.

Edited February 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

I believe this woman is in her 40s. She is not going to bond with her male room-mate. This is a business arrangement for her. She also owns a house, not an apartment. They probably won't even share the same bathroom, he'll probably used the back entrance. He'll do his own thing and watch his own tv, music, laptop in his room. Maybe he works nights or evenings and they won't even cross each other.

 

Before imagining all types of scenario why don't OP ask some questions.

[RedRobin]

Before I moved in with my ex, I had a female roommate, we got along super well and yes we did all of that.

 

My friend Rosa has a female roommate and they are always doing stuff together, and when I am over there, all three of us hang out together, drinking beer (or whatevs)....making dinner, watching a movie.

 

Are you thinking of a tenant/landlord situation? If so, then yes you would be correct. Landlord/tenant is strictly business. They don't interact, etc.

 

But this is different -- she's a roommate.

 

That is how it is in the U.S. anyway for the most part.

 

When I see ads for a roommate the person placing the ad describes him/herself and is looking for someone with whom they are compatible and have things in common. Compatibility is super important in a roommate situation but NOT a landlord/tenant situation, where the tenant simply rents out a room or an apartment from the landlord. There is no interaction, etc.

 

That's not 'how it is in the U.S.'

 

Roommate, tenant... It's all the same. I call them roommates because we are sharing a house. In fact, that's how I advertise it. As a house share.

 

In fact, I have a roommate right now, in the apartment I am renting in WA. And a roommate in NY. Watching my house.

 

My roomie in WA is a black male from Africa. My roomie in NY is a Philipino woman working on contract to a pharma company. Awesome folks. All of my roommates have been great people.

 

I have never once had the issues you folks talk about. I HAVE had down on their luck, recently divorced guys looking for a wifey or GF replacement try to talk me into renting from me. I say no to that. In fact, I say no to any person, male or female, who needs to get overly personal. Last thing I want is some drama case bringing home strange guys (or girls), getting shyte faced and talking my ear off all night about their man/woman problems or whatever.

 

Seriously... I don't need to run an ad in craigslist for new friends, or someone to date. People need to check their assumptions.

 

I think the OP is just pissed his GF isn't being 'obedient' just cause he said so.

[katiegrl]

I believe this woman is in her 40s. She is not going to bond with her male room-mate. This is a business arrangement for her. She also owns a house, not an apartment. They probably won't even share the same bathroom, he'll probably used the back entrance. He'll do his own thing and watch his own tv, music, laptop in his room. Maybe he works nights or evenings and they won't even cross each other.

 

Before imagining all types of scenario why don't OP ask some questions.

 

I agree we should not jump to conclusions and imagine anything untoward...... My post earlier was only to say that an attraction developing between them was a *possibility* which IMO it is.

 

What I don't agree with is that this is strictly a *business arrangement*. The OP never said his gf said it was a strictly business arrangement.

 

She said she is doing a favor for a friend, and if I had to venture a guess, it would be that this friend will be over, and the three of them will be interacting together.

 

Anything can happen. It is naive to believe otherwise.

 

Not saying it WILL ....but it is a possibility.

 

Eternal Sunshine posted a thread awhile back about how uncomfortable she was moving in with a male roommate. Imposed on her space, etc.

 

Another poster posted about how her male roommate made sexual advances ..and she had to kick him out!

 

This type of shyt DOES happen.

 

But yeah, the OP should wait and see how it goes before jumping to any negative conclusions.

 

It may work out!!

[Gaeta]

 

Another poster posted about how her male roommate made sexual advances ..and she had to kick him out!

 

Anything is possible. Maybe this room-mate will hit on her so she'll just have to kick him out.

 

What is offending from OP is that he's not afraid she'll end up with a man that will steal from her, not afraid she'll end up with someone loud, not worried she'll end up with a drunk, or end up with someone that never pays. He is also not afraid this room-mate would hit on her NOPE but he is afraid SHE WILL CHEAT on him.

 

It's ridiculous! He doesn't even know the age of that man! or the personal circumstance of that man and already he sees his girlfriend in bed with him!

[BlueIris]

The OP's girlfriend made a mistake by asking the OP in the first place. She's an adult. She has her own house. She's capable of making her own decisions without seeking approval from anyone else, including someone she's dating. ...

 

That's right! She wasn't necessarily asking him because she was asking for permission or approval. I've asked people for opinions or advice many times without following their advice. But, if I did ask someone's opinion, advice or input AND he or she assumed I was supposed to do what they thought I should, I wouldn't think much of that person. Sometimes you learn a lot about someone by how they react to your exercising your autonomy.

[katiegrl]

Anything is possible. Maybe this room-mate will hit on her so she'll just have to kick him out.

 

What is offending from OP is that he's not afraid she'll end up with a man that will steal from her, not afraid she'll end up with someone loud, not worried she'll end up with a drunk, or end up with someone that never pays. He is also not afraid this room-mate would hit on her NOPE but he is afraid SHE WILL CHEAT on him.

 

It's ridiculous! He doesn't even know the age of that man! or the personal circumstance of that man and already he sees his girlfriend in bed with him!

 

I don't recall reading that he was afraid she would cheat....although he very well may have said it and feel that way.....and I missed it.

 

And if he does, in fact, feel that way, then obviously he does not trust her, and he should probably break up with her for THAT. Without trust, there is nothing!!

[Gaeta]

I don't recall reading that he was afraid she would cheat....although he very well may have said it and feel that way.....and I missed it.

 

And if he does, in fact, feel that way, then obviously he does not trust her, and he should probably break up with her for THAT. Without trust, there is nothing!!

 

Of course that's what he is afraid of, what else?

 

He is making it about she asked him his opinion but still went ahead with it. As if when we ask someones opinion we have to go along with their opinion otherwise we are betraying them.

 

Each time someone on here talks about room-mates sleeping together he gets very tense and talks about dropping her, she doesn't respect him, blahblablah. He doesn't trust her. NOT that she is not trust worthy, no, he's just one of those men that sees cheating everywhere cause like many men he probably thinks women are all little slvt deep down.

 

He also doesn't trust her judgement to pick the right room-mate for herself.

 

He doesn't trust her to turn down his advances.

 

He doesn't trust her to kick out a room-mate that would behave inappropriately.

 

He doesn't trust her to keep a healthy distance with that room-mate

 

He doesn't trust her to know her place while in a relationship

Edited February 2, 2016 by Gaeta

[katiegrl]

Of course that's what he is afraid of, what else?

 

He is making it about she asked him his opinion but still went ahead with it. As if when we ask someones opinion we have to go along with their opinion otherwise we are betraying them.

 

Each time someone on here talks about room-mates sleeping together he gets very tense and talks about dropping her, she doesn't respect him, blahblablah. He doesn't trust her. NOT that she is not trust worthy, no, he's just one of those men that sees cheating everywhere cause like many men he probably thinks women are all little slvt deep down.

 

He also doesn't trust her judgement and pick the right room-mate for herself.

 

He doesn't trust her to turn down his advances.

 

He doesn't trust her to kick out a room-mate that would behave inappropriately.

 

He doesn't trust her to keep a healthy distance with that room-mate

 

He doesn't trust her to know her place while in a relationship

 

Agree and to add -- maybe HE would cheat in the same situation...... and he is projecting what he would do on to her.

 

In any event, after only four months, this whole situation doesn't look good any way you look at it.

 

I don't give them much longer tbh.

[IronZ]

I think it's great that so many of you ladies had positive experiences with your male roommates... but that does not mean that male/female roommate situations NEVER result in one or both becoming attracted to each other.

 

Y'all act like that is NOT even within the realm of possibility which is preposterous IMO.

 

Of course it's a possibility that they might, at some point, become attracted to each other....and IMO "this" is what the OP may be concerned about -- NOT that she would cheat.

 

This is what happens sometimes when a man and woman are thrown into a situation where they are in each other's presence much of the time (such as sharing a house/apartment together), perhaps cooking together at times, watching TV together at times, sharing a bottle of wine together sometimes, all the things roommates sometimes do together.... assuming they get along.

 

NOT saying she would cheat... only that an attraction developing is again, NOT outside the realm of possibility....and THIS is what the OP is concerned about.

 

Frankly, TBH, I would not like it either if my BF suddenly announced he was having a female move in with him -- even though I may TRUST my boyfriend implicitly... it would still be a concern.

 

If not for you....then more power to ya.

 

But it DOES happen.

 

Is it possible to super like this comment? Gosh it's like every other lady starts throwing in her two cents about how their perfect male roommate never hit on them and everything went swimmingly. I'm glad it worked out for them but they don't know OP's gf and they don't know the guy she's rooming with.

 

And like you said the real nuisance here isn't that there is no trust or that something may happen, but that the OPs gf is now going to be spending most of her time at home with this new fella. I wouldn't like that either. Friendships grow out of situational things like this. And out of friendship could grow something stronger.

 

Personally I wouldn't even like the idea of my gf spending all her time at home with another guy. And before everyone here jumps on me about how working with someone is the same thing, it's not. That's work, this is home life. It's different. This is leisurely whereas at work you're there to work and you are being professional. I don't know about all of you but the professionalism line gets crossed if I see you walking around in your underwear or if we cook dinner together.

 

I would also have something to say about a woman who would go through the trouble of asking me twice what I thought about the arrangement, me making it clear I was against it, and then dropping the hammer on me casually that it's happening anyway. 4 months of dating may not be a lot to some people but it's enough to me where I think my opinion should matter.

 

At 4 months we've been intimate with each other. At 4 months there's a certain understanding there. At 4 months we've decided we want to give this a try and are going for it. If you're going to spring up drama on me at 4 months into the relationship I'm going to feel some type of way about it.

[IronZ]

Just to be clear, if she didn't do what he wanted she didn't respect his feelings?

 

You're twisting it up a bit. The problem isn't that she did her own thing. The problem is how she went about it. She brought up the subject twice, and twice got an objection from him. She then went ahead and did it her way regardless of how he felt. What was the point of asking him? It just seems sneaky the way she did it. Like she expected him to cave and then everything would be alright.

 

The problem is she had made the decision without even consulting him, and just wanted to pass it off as if she was getting his opinion. His opinion never mattered at all. If she wanted to she could have just TOLD him she would take on a male roommate and could have tried to calm him down about it. Instead she acted like he had a say in the matter. Wrong way to do it. Very shady.

[kgcolonel]

You're twisting it up a bit. The problem isn't that she did her own thing. The problem is how she went about it. She brought up the subject twice, and twice got an objection from him. She then went ahead and did it her way regardless of how he felt. What was the point of asking him? It just seems sneaky the way she did it. Like she expected him to cave and then everything would be alright.

 

The problem is she had made the decision without even consulting him, and just wanted to pass it off as if she was getting his opinion. His opinion never mattered at all. If she wanted to she could have just TOLD him she would take on a male roommate and could have tried to calm him down about it. Instead she acted like he had a say in the matter. Wrong way to do it. Very shady.

 

Additionally, many here seem to act as thought there is NEVER anything for him to be concerned about....the fact is, this relationship is in the honeymoon phase...that is where each are working overtime to please the other, she had a decision to make as to whether to help out her cousin or honor her BF's feelings. She made a choice. She is fully within her rights to make that choice and I support that right. It may well cost her the relationship and he is within his rights to make that choice.

[truth_seeker]

Agree and to add -- maybe HE would cheat in the same situation...... and he is projecting what he would do on to her.

 

In any event, after only four months, this whole situation doesn't look good any way you look at it.

 

I don't give them much longer tbh.

 

4 months together and she is already making decisions regardless if likes them or not... she is also wanting this specific guy to be her roommate whether her boyfriend likes it or not...

 

I see it going like this: girlfriend tells OP as they're arguing over this, "You don't trust me? Fine! Lets break up." She will turn this on him and make him feel he's the bad guy (trust issues) and she has reason to get out.

 

2 months after living with this roommate, they're having casual sex.