scrapbooker Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 4 months together and she is already making decisions regardless if likes them or not... she is also wanting this specific guy to be her roommate whether her boyfriend likes it or not... I see it going like this: girlfriend tells OP as they're arguing over this, "You don't trust me? Fine! Lets break up." She will turn this on him and make him feel he's the bad guy (trust issues) and she has reason to get out. 2 months after living with this roommate, they're having casual sex. 4 months together and he is already expecting her life decisions to revolve around him. 1
truth_seeker Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Is it possible to super like this comment? Gosh it's like every other lady starts throwing in her two cents about how their perfect male roommate never hit on them and everything went swimmingly. I'm glad it worked out for them but they don't know OP's gf and they don't know the guy she's rooming with. And like you said the real nuisance here isn't that there is no trust or that something may happen, but that the OPs gf is now going to be spending most of her time at home with this new fella. I wouldn't like that either. Friendships grow out of situational things like this. And out of friendship could grow something stronger. Personally I wouldn't even like the idea of my gf spending all her time at home with another guy. And before everyone here jumps on me about how working with someone is the same thing, it's not. That's work, this is home life. It's different. This is leisurely whereas at work you're there to work and you are being professional. I don't know about all of you but the professionalism line gets crossed if I see you walking around in your underwear or if we cook dinner together. I would also have something to say about a woman who would go through the trouble of asking me twice what I thought about the arrangement, me making it clear I was against it, and then dropping the hammer on me casually that it's happening anyway. 4 months of dating may not be a lot to some people but it's enough to me where I think my opinion should matter. At 4 months we've been intimate with each other. At 4 months there's a certain understanding there. At 4 months we've decided we want to give this a try and are going for it. If you're going to spring up drama on me at 4 months into the relationship I'm going to feel some type of way about it. Katie wrote a great post... all thanks to me bringing up the possibility of the girlfriend and roommate getting it on. I think, from the OP's girlfriend's behavior, she's looking for a way out. This is all a set up for OP to blow up and for her to say: "you don't trust me? Relationship over." As for the guy roommate. It's 50/50 he's there as a back up. I do think though with a man in the house, there's a possibility of it turning into something more. All it takes is a couple of glasses of wine or she's crying, he comforts her...
WaitingForBardot Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 4 months together and he is already expecting her life decisions to revolve around him. ^^This. And I'm an all-in from day one kind of guy in relationships.
truth_seeker Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 4 months together and he is already expecting her life decisions to revolve around him. 4 months they should know where they stand in a relationship. The problem is she already made the decision regardless of his feelings. That is not respecting your partner. If I were him I would be concerned, too... you think this woman would be cool with OP having a woman as his roommate. I doubt it. 2
GorillaTheater Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Additionally, many here seem to act as thought there is NEVER anything for him to be concerned about....the fact is, this relationship is in the honeymoon phase...that is where each are working overtime to please the other, she had a decision to make as to whether to help out her cousin or honor her BF's feelings. She made a choice. She is fully within her rights to make that choice and I support that right. It may well cost her the relationship and he is within his rights to make that choice. Exactly. She did nothing wrong, but if I were the OP I wouldn't be too keen on her choice. I'd likely choose to move on. This early in the relationship, you're still determining comfort zones and compatibility. If this isn't doing it for the OP, the choice is pretty clear. 5
truth_seeker Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 ^^This. And I'm an all-in from day one kind of guy in relationships. Unbelievable! You would be okay with your girlfriend having a guy living with her and telling you it's happening whether you like it or not?
katiegrl Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 4 months together and he is already expecting her life decisions to revolve around him. I get your point, but OP did not *demand* she not do it. SHE asked him how he felt about it..and he told her he was uncomfortable with it. What *should* he have done, lied? And told her "hey sounds great"! When that is not how he felt? Relationships are about compromise and if the RL is important to you, taking your partner's feelings into consideration when making a decision. If you or others feel differently about your relationships, so be it. To each his own. 5
WaitingForBardot Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 4 months they should know where they stand in a relationship. The problem is she already made the decision regardless of his feelings. That is not respecting your partner. If I were him I would be concerned, too... you think this woman would be cool with OP having a woman as his roommate. I doubt it. Well she certainly does at this point. And I have no idea about how she would feel about him having a female roommate.
BlueIris Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 4 months together and she is already making decisions regardless if likes them or not... she is also wanting this specific guy to be her roommate whether her boyfriend likes it or not... I see it going like this: girlfriend tells OP as they're arguing over this, "You don't trust me? Fine! Lets break up." She will turn this on him and make him feel he's the bad guy (trust issues) and she has reason to get out. 2 months after living with this roommate, they're having casual sex. It might go that way, or a less heated version without a power struggle undercurrent. No one needs to "feel like he's the bad guy." Good guy/bad guy thinking is a problem in itself. That mindset leads to relationships of finger-pointing and blaming, which is a massive pain the neck and interferes with discussion and problem solving in the long run. She asked his opinion. That's all. People discover whether they are on the same page, are compatible, while dating. This issue has shown OP that they have different perspectives on this and might not be compatible. 3
WaitingForBardot Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 I get your point, but OP did not *demand* she not do it. SHE asked him how he felt about it..and he told her he was uncomfortable with it. What *should* he have done, lied? And told her "hey sounds great"! When that is not how he felt? Relationships are about compromise and if the RL is important to you, taking your partner's feelings into consideration when making a decision. If you or others feel differently about your relationships, so be it. To each his own. And for some of us at least, taking our feelings into consideration does not necessarily mean doing what we want.
Gaeta Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 4 months together and she is already making decisions regardless if likes them or not... she is also wanting this specific guy to be her roommate whether her boyfriend likes it or not... I see it going like this: girlfriend tells OP as they're arguing over this, "You don't trust me? Fine! Lets break up." She will turn this on him and make him feel he's the bad guy (trust issues) and she has reason to get out. 2 months after living with this roommate, they're having casual sex. You don't make living decisions or budget decisions around a man you've been dating 4 months. He's still on probation dating wise. 5
WaitingForBardot Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Unbelievable! You would be okay with your girlfriend having a guy living with her and telling you it's happening whether you like it or not? Well, I don't remember her telling him it was happening whether he liked it or not, but yes, this would not be a problem for me. Hopefully she would be a bit more tactful than saying I'm doing this whether you like it or not, but if that were really the case she probably wouldn't have asked to begin with.
truth_seeker Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 You don't make living decisions or budget decisions around a man you've been dating 4 months. He's still on probation dating wise. Relationships are about respect, honesty and the willingness to compromise. I don't see the girlfriend showing respect or willingness to compromise. If she respected OP she would explain to him why she needs a roommate and why she is specifically choosing this man to live with her. Instead she asks about his feelings and lets him know whether he likes it or not the guy is moving in. If this girlfriend cared about OP and their relationship, why can't they compromise and figure out a solution that works for both of them? 1
WaitingForBardot Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Relationships are about respect, honesty and the willingness to compromise. I don't see the girlfriend showing respect or willingness to compromise. If she respected OP she would explain to him why she needs a roommate and why she is specifically choosing this man to live with her. Instead she asks about his feelings and lets him know whether he likes it or not the guy is moving in. If this girlfriend cared about OP and their relationship, why can't they compromise and figure out a solution that works for both of them? The fact that she did not compromise in his favor this one time does not mean she is not willing to compromise in general. 3
truth_seeker Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 The fact that she did not compromise in his favor this one time does not mean she is not willing to compromise in general. She made the decision long before she asked OP about his feelings. This is a woman who will probably have broken up with OP months in advance before she makes it official. 2
WaitingForBardot Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 She made the decision long before she asked OP about his feelings. This is a woman who will probably have broken up with OP months in advance before she makes it official. Boy I wish I had your foresight... Compromising does not mean you always get what you want. Personally, I would have been happy that she involved me in the decision to begin with. It bears repeating: 4 months... And we'll just have to agree to disagree about what being involved in a decision means. 2
katiegrl Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Boy I wish I had your foresight... Compromising does not mean you always get what you want. Personally, I would have been happy that she involved me in the decision to begin with. It bears repeating: 4 months... And we'll just have to agree to disagree about what being involved in a decision means. I think the four months dating may be an important factor to consider. After four months, some couples are in close, committed relationships, discussing future, etc. In that case, then considering your partner's feelings before making a decision would be warranted imo. On the other hand, after four months, other couples are still only casually dating, which would not warrant the same consideration of feelings. We don't know the OP, or his girlfriend, or their RL ...so it is hard to say for sure who is right or wrong. If it is only casual, then she had every right to her decision, without feeling wrong or guilty about it. For some reason though, I gathered their relationship was more serious, but I could be wrong about that ....
WaitingForBardot Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 I think the four months dating may be an important factor to consider. After four months, some couples are in close, committed relationships, discussing future, etc. In that case, then considering your partner's feelings before making a decision would be warranted imo. On the other hand, after four months, other couples are still only casually dating, which would not warrant the same consideration of feelings. We don't know the OP, or his girlfriend, or their RL ...so it is hard to say for sure who is right or wrong. If it is only casual, then she had every right to her decision, without feeling wrong or guilty about it. For some reason though, I gathered their relationship was more serious, but I could be wrong about that .... I understand your point, which is why I pointed out in my earlier post that I'm an all in from day one kind of guy. So even if we were fully committed at that point, I would never expect someone to not do something they had decided was in their best interest simply because I was uncomfortable with it. That would be my problem, not theirs. And of course I'm only talking about how I feel/what I would do in that situation, not what anyone else should feel/do. 2
Gaeta Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Relationships are about respect, honesty and the willingness to compromise. I don't see the girlfriend showing respect or willingness to compromise. If she respected OP she would explain to him why she needs a roommate and why she is specifically choosing this man to live with her. Instead she asks about his feelings and lets him know whether he likes it or not the guy is moving in. If this girlfriend cared about OP and their relationship, why can't they compromise and figure out a solution that works for both of them? I completely agree with you that relationships are about respect, honesty and compromise. *** But you don't compromise at 4 months the way you'd compromise at 1 year mark. *** Again, they have been dating 4 months. You don't make living arrangement change and budget change to compromise a 4 months relationship. 1
katiegrl Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 I understand your point, which is why I pointed out in my earlier post that I'm an all in from day one kind of guy. So even if we were fully committed at that point, I would never expect someone to not do something they had decided was in their best interest simply because I was uncomfortable with it. That would be my problem, not theirs. And of course I'm only talking about how I feel/what I would do in that situation, not what anyone else should feel/do. Fair point, but if she needed exta cash, she could have easily looked for a female roommate. That would have been in *her* best interests AND the best interests of her RL. JMO
Gaeta Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Fair point, but if she needed exta cash, she could have easily looked for a female roommate. That would have been in *her* best interests AND the best interests of her RL. JMO It's better to have someone referred to her than a stranger from the street even if it's a female. My daughter always preferred to have male room-mates as they are drama free. She had male room-mates from 22 to 28 yo and never ever had an issues with them. 1
truth_seeker Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 *** But you don't compromise at 4 months the way you'd compromise at 1 year mark. *** Again, they have been dating 4 months. You don't make living arrangement change and budget change to compromise a 4 months relationship. Says who? Is this a set rule?
Gaeta Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 Says who? Is this a set rule? It's common sense. For those of us who have dating experience we know that a relationship under 6 months can abort anytime. You don't really know someone until you've dated them a full year at which point you can start making important compromise to be with them. 1
truth_seeker Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 For those of us who have dating experience we know that a relationship under 6 months can abort anytime. You don't really know someone until you've dated them a full year at which point you can start making important compromise to be with them. I don't believe this for a second. 3-6 months you should have a good idea who you're involved with... if you don't, you've got some problems. I actually question people who have been in multiple LTR... why has a woman dated 3-4 guys for multiple years and none resulted in marriage? A good man would never let a great woman go. He would marry her.
kgcolonel Posted February 2, 2016 Posted February 2, 2016 It's common sense. For those of us who have dating experience we know that a relationship under 6 months can abort anytime. You don't really know someone until you've dated them a full year at which point you can start making important compromise to be with them. Have to disagree here....you are correct on the prospects of a new R aborting at any time, thinking with an entirely objective head, however this is, again, during the Honeymoon phase and she has made a choice...first She asked him twice what he thought and made her choice inspite of his "feeling uncomfortable"....why did she ask in the first place???? She was expecting him to change his mind? He now has a choice, is this indicative of their relationship going forward in that if he has an opinion and is asked, shares that opinion and then she does what she intended to do all along? Is this the relationship HE wants....that's his choice.....notice never mentioned cheating at all here.... 1
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