Erik30 Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Your girlfriend has every right to do it, but I can understand your concerns. I wouldn't like it either, especially if he's an (attractive) single guy who will get to spend more time with her than you. You've only been dating for four months, so he might even get to know her better. I don't know how big the house is, but they'll probably be watching movies/tv together all the time, having dinner, etc., giving them time to bond. That's what I would be worried about. I guess it really depends on your girlfriend and your relationship.
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 That's what bothers me. She asked twice and went ahead with it anyway telling me my opinion doesn't matter. She's very upset and told me that she's afraid I will leave her. My response was that she knew how I felt and chose to do what's best for her, which is a healthy decision I may add, but let the chips fall where they may. That's just it, she asked you your opinion and made her own decision. That's how it works. It doesn't mean your opinion didn't matter, if it didn't she would not bothered to ask you. BUT that being said she can appreciate and respect your opinion and still not follow it. She did what we all do on here. We come in, ask for opinions, make our own judgement of the situation and make our own decision. So I have no idea why you feel offended she did not follow your advice. 5
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 but they'll probably be watching movies/tv together all the time, having dinner, etc., giving them time to bond. That's what I would be worried about. I guess it really depends on your girlfriend and your relationship. Absolutely not. She doesn't know him. He's a stranger referred by a cousin. They're not 20 yo anymore. At my age if I have a room mate he's gonna have his tv and nick nack in his bedroom and we'll just cross in the kitchen once in a while. We are not going to cook together, and certainly not have meals together. And by the way she spends more time with her colleagues with OP and she bonds with these people and it's not interfering in her relationship with OP.
RySant Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 I had this happen to me... safe to say my g/f cheated and with the guy that moved in with her. Apparently he was a "brotherly" figure until she was officially sleeping with the dude. I should have bailed on her as soon as she said she was going to do this even if I was uncomfortable with it. There's an update on one of the threads in the LDR Section that has the same story, but this time, it was the guy moving in with a girl flatmate. Guess what happened haha
RedRobin Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 I find it humorous how all these non married, non committed guys think they can lay down the law, and she should just obey cause he said so. I don't know where some of you live, or if the people commenting have ever been in her situation. When I put out ads, I get something like 10 responses from guys for every two women. That's just the demographics, and no... I don't put my gender down on the ad. Some of you guys are projecting. You know what YOU would do if there was an attractive opposite gender person in your house. Lol. I have dated guys who seemed bothered by the fact that I work around all men. My ex husband was constantly on me about this or that guy I worked with. Guess who cheated? Wasn't me. What a coink-I-dink. 5
truth_seeker Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Rolling my eyes all the way to the back of my head ! I was throwing out possibilities. All you did was focus on one thing I suggested, completely ignoring my first point, which was: he had nothing to worry about as the guy she wants to live with her is someone she feels she can trust in her home. I mentioned the second point only because she was set to have this guy live with her whether OP approved or not. Maybe it's because it's her friend's cousin and she feels she can trust him? Maybe she's had her eye on this guy, wouldn't mind having him in the house, too? Just throwing out possibilities here...
carhill Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Re the impact on the relationship: I've lived in mixed households before. There is no impact on the relationship other than having to close the door when you have sex. Sure, some people are more comfortable with communal situations than others. If the OP was comfortable, the thread wouldn't have been posted. IME, as a landlord, there are a lot of unknowns. Type/size of domicile, living conditions, tenant/owner lifestyle, on and on. Is this going to be a 'whatever' arrangement of something formal? Sure, the lady can do anything she wants. Apparently she's going to, regardless of any concerns expressed by the OP. He asks how that choice will impact their relationship moving forward. If she's 'my way or the highway', I'd be getting on the on-ramp today, as this portends the future for the relationship. If she's soliciting his input or listening to his concerns as her exclusive (?) dating partner and/or boyfriend, that's another path. At my age I wouldn't be concerned with it but probably wouldn't date a woman who needed a boarder to meet her bills. That's my preference.
Maggie4 Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 That's right. He would be a tenant, not a roommate. The rental contract would not allow her to simply throw him out when she wants to, and she'd have to file taxes on the rental income. 1
WaitingForBardot Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 That's just it, she asked you your opinion and made her own decision. That's how it works. It doesn't mean your opinion didn't matter, if it didn't she would not bothered to ask you. BUT that being said she can appreciate and respect your opinion and still not follow it. She did what we all do on here. We come in, ask for opinions, make our own judgement of the situation and make our own decision. So I have no idea why you feel offended she did not follow your advice. "It is the mark of an educated man to be able to entertain an idea without adopting it." - Aristotle. Or woman... 2
Poutrew Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 That's just it, she asked you your opinion and made her own decision. That's how it works. It doesn't mean your opinion didn't matter, if it didn't she would not bothered to ask you. BUT that being said she can appreciate and respect your opinion and still not follow it. She did what we all do on here. We come in, ask for opinions, make our own judgement of the situation and make our own decision. So I have no idea why you feel offended she did not follow your advice. Hmmm... offence has nothing to do with it from where I sit. A mature man has to be able to walk away from a bad situation. Her asking him twice indicates to me that she knew he would have problems with it. She was hoping he would agree with her, but whether he did or not, she was already set to do this thing. She neither appreciated nor respected his opinion. Just about the only thing he could do in this case is to walk away... This reminds me of the time I was dating a nurse in the late 1980's (yeah, I'm that old a dog). She had an eye irritation one night - pink eye. She told me how she got it - she got squirted by a male patients ejaculate and it hit her right in the face and eye. OK, s*it happens. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time. A few days later I found out this dude was a burn patient and couldn't do it himself. I asked her again if she wanted to tell me something.... she was hesitant, because it is against hospital rules and she could get fired, but she told me that she masturbated him and got careless with the aim... Turns out this was a practice she had done many times before, when occasion called for it. She also masturbated female patients... and she honestly couldn't see the problem I had with it. She even told me it meant nothing to her, that I was the man she came home to every night, etc., etc., Now was I a baby about it? Did I throw a temper tantrum, displaying my wounded male ego? Nope. I just told her she knew it would be enough of a problem for her to not tell me about it, and letting me find out by myself. Then I left her. The OP needs to determine for himself if this is important enough to do the same thing. BTW, I will *never* date anyone in the medical profession again...
katiegrl Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 (edited) O M G ...I have heard some crazy stuff on this forum, but this ^^ takes the cake. Is this what our nurses are doing these days (or in the old days)? Masturbating patients? How would a convo like that even begin? Hey you want a hand job? Jesus. Heaven's to betsy .....am I naive. I have a nursing degree, and was **this** close to making that my career [shudders] IMO that situation isn't even remotely similar to the OP's. Edited January 31, 2016 by katiegrl 2
Emilia Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 I think you should be asking yourself why that guy, of all people, is the person she decided to take in as a roommate, despite the fact that you told her more than once how uncomfortable it would make you feel. Probably because dating someone for 4 months is nothing. I wouldn't even consult that person on my financial matters/living arrangements 2
Emilia Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 I find it humorous how all these non married, non committed guys think they can lay down the law, and she should just obey cause he said so. I don't know where some of you live, or if the people commenting have ever been in her situation. When I put out ads, I get something like 10 responses from guys for every two women. That's just the demographics, and no... I don't put my gender down on the ad. Some of you guys are projecting. You know what YOU would do if there was an attractive opposite gender person in your house. Lol. I have dated guys who seemed bothered by the fact that I work around all men. My ex husband was constantly on me about this or that guy I worked with. Guess who cheated? Wasn't me. What a coink-I-dink. Yeah they get all territorial. Maybe the OP's girlfriend of 4 months should have asked him if he was happy to contribute to her finances instead. That would have made her a gold digger of course. 5
Author Mariner Posted January 31, 2016 Author Posted January 31, 2016 Interesting comments here. I see both sides. I only know how I feel. Length of time dating means different things to different people. Some of you have been in relationships for years and you're not ready for the relationship to progress to the next level. Others, are at the other end of the spectrum and move more quickly. My point is that what's comfortable for one pair of partners may not apply to another, and people should realize that their advice, while based on their feelings, will not apply to every situation out there. My issue, as I stated earlier, is that now I'm left wondering if my opinion will matter in the future.
preraph Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Maybe you'll feel better once you meet the guy. 2
PrettyEmily77 Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Interesting comments here. I see both sides. I only know how I feel. Length of time dating means different things to different people. Some of you have been in relationships for years and you're not ready for the relationship to progress to the next level. Others, are at the other end of the spectrum and move more quickly. My point is that what's comfortable for one pair of partners may not apply to another, and people should realize that their advice, while based on their feelings, will not apply to every situation out there. My issue, as I stated earlier, is that now I'm left wondering if my opinion will matter in the future. It matters because she asked you. Twice. She gave you a couple of chances to see things from her point of view on an issue that doesn't really concern you directly, however long the R is. I'd like to think that in that situation, my BF would just shrug it off and tell me to do what's right for me. Your opinion isn't gospel. If you want it to count in future, advise her on the basis of what's right for her, not you. 1
IronZ Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 I had to edit as I read it wrong. I don't think you are wrong for being uncomfortable and she knows how you feel. Why couldn't she get a female to move in? Did she need someone right away? Was thinking this same thing. It sounded like she was doing her friend a favor by letting the cousin move in but still, why couldn't she try to find a female roommate? That's what most people do nowadays. Kind of reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where George is dating a woman with a male roommate. His reservation is that he takes her out and wines and dines her, and then she goes home to him. OP - what exactly are the accommodations there? Does he have his own floor or his own room? Are they sharing any part of the house? Do they have to intermingle at any point other than saying hello if they run into each other? It really is a weird situation if you ask me. I would not feel comfortable with it. Have you asked her how she would feel if you had some other girl move in with you? Some people don't think about these things in reverse. If she would get mad in the same situation then she should've known better than to put you in it.
Timshel Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Mariner, agree with Preraph...and Carhill who suggested a dinner/get together to meet this guy. Not luving the way she has presented what appears to have been a done deal to you....but it is early days and her house. Have an honest conversation with your gf and set a lunch/dinner to meet this dude. All of this depends, really, on your level of investment.
IronZ Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Because he's a cousin of her friend so she knows she's verified (won't steal/destroy her property)? Getting a roommate is not an act of cheating, she just wants to reduce her cost of living, which is a sensible decision. Why not move in with the bf? They are both homeowners. One of them could give up their house for rent and they could live together. Not only do they get to split the cost of the same house, but they'll each be earning revenue from the house they're renting. If this is really about wise investment then they could've found a better alternative. I don't think she intends to be malicious here but I do think she was a little inconsiderate of the guy to just go ahead and do what she wanted regardless of his reservations.
katiegrl Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 After reading these responses ...I am wondering now if there might be something cookin in the kitchen between these two .... Something isn't jiving. Gut feeling. 1
Timshel Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 (edited) Why not move in with the bf? They are both homeowners. One of them could give up their house for rent and they could live together. Not only do they get to split the cost of the same house, but they'll each be earning revenue from the house they're renting. If this is really about wise investment then they could've found a better alternative. I don't think she intends to be malicious here but I do think she was a little inconsiderate of the guy to just go ahead and do what she wanted regardless of his reservations. As a home owner, no way on God's green earth am I putting my house for rent for a 4 month relationship. C'mon InronZ, they will figure it out without going to crazy places. Edited January 31, 2016 by Timshel 2
Space Ritual Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Interesting comments here. I see both sides. I only know how I feel. Length of time dating means different things to different people. Some of you have been in relationships for years and you're not ready for the relationship to progress to the next level. Others, are at the other end of the spectrum and move more quickly. My point is that what's comfortable for one pair of partners may not apply to another, and people should realize that their advice, while based on their feelings, will not apply to every situation out there. My issue, as I stated earlier, is that now I'm left wondering if my opinion will matter in the future. Mariner, Yes I understand how you feel. And now you can either accept that this is how she feels or don't. Their is really only two ways that this is going to go. Also remember that you two have only been in a relationship for 4 months. That is a fairly short amount of time. Please understand that short of a duration is really not long enough to know somebody very well, even if you are sharing the same bed. I understand that after asking your feelings about it twice, that you were upset that she did allow this to happen. But that ship now sailed. You will have to decide in the near future if this is a deal breaker or not. Not so much this guy moving in, but whether you feel like the relationship will contain the amount of compromise that most relationships need to in order to survive. In your mind this is the big question. Also know that each person is different and that we are all as different as our opinions are on this and what we are willing to accept. If this is something that you can deal with, fine, if it's not, then that's ok too. It's not like you have invested years with her. Plus I'm sure this will be revisited multiple times in the near future. I would not be comfortable with it, but that is just me. And really no one's opinion matters here but yours, since we are not living your life. Just identify what you are comfortable with and proceed accordingly. Simple as that. Good Luck. 2
IronZ Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 Would it have been better if she never said anything to you and you went over there and the guy was there? This might have been her plan long before she met you. She did you the courtesy of hearing you out twice and then informed you of her decision instead of letting you walk up on it unawares. You told her how you felt and unfortunately for you, she decided that the income was worth you being hurt over it. That there is something to think about. This relationship might be at its expiration date. 3 - 6 months is usually make or break time for new relationships. I didn't really get that sense from the original post. She asked him twice. First was to see how he felt, second to see if maybe he had warmed up to the idea. At no point did she talk to him about actually making a decision and that she didn't want it to affect them. She randomly sprung that up on him. "Oh by the way, he's moving in next week." I'm sure that caught him by surprise. What's the point of all those conversations? The right way to go about it was to tell him "Hey there's going to be a male roommate moving in. There's nothing to worry about but I just wanted to let you know ahead of time." Not "Hey is it ok if this happens? No? Well guess what it's happening." Her way was inconsiderate. Absolutely not. She doesn't know him. He's a stranger referred by a cousin. They're not 20 yo anymore. At my age if I have a room mate he's gonna have his tv and nick nack in his bedroom and we'll just cross in the kitchen once in a while. We are not going to cook together, and certainly not have meals together. And by the way she spends more time with her colleagues with OP and she bonds with these people and it's not interfering in her relationship with OP. You're making a lot of assumptions. He is a stranger, but he's going to be living in the same household. They will get to know each other. How do you know they won't talk? How do you know they won't sometimes watch TV or a movie together? It could happen. You don't know this girl. Just because you wouldn't go out of your way to get to know someone you lived with doesn't mean she's the same way.
WaitingForBardot Posted January 31, 2016 Posted January 31, 2016 O M G ...I have heard some crazy stuff on this forum, but this ^^ takes the cake. Is this what our nurses are doing these days (or in the old days)? Masturbating patients? How would a convo like that even begin? Hey you want a hand job? Jesus. Heaven's to betsy .....am I naive. I have a nursing degree, and was **this** close to making that my career [shudders] IMO that situation isn't even remotely similar to the OP's. To continue the digression and say yes this sort of thing definitely happens... While in HS, I worked as a candy striper at a naval hospital that specialized in the treatment of gravely injured soldiers returning from Vietnam. These were boys, only a year or so ahead of me, that had suffered horrifying injuries; many of them never made it home. There were a handful of young women that came to the wards a couple of times a week and went from room to room sexing the boys up to whatever extent they were capable. Although I don't think the nurses were directly involved, this took place with their full knowledge and cooperation. Personally, I think it would have been a sin to let these boys go without ever knowing the touch of a woman, and I think these women were angels for making sure that didn't happen. 1
IronZ Posted February 1, 2016 Posted February 1, 2016 As a home owner, no way on God's green earth am I putting my house for rent for a 4 month relationship. C'mon InronZ, they will figure it out without going to crazy places. Then give it time. Her financial situation is in that dire a place that she absolutely needs to bring in another man to her home? Something seems fishy my friend. 1
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