issues with my BF ugh

[tuxedo cat]

I enjoy high interest AND acknowledge red flags. It's not like the red flag people don't get turned on by high interest and hot chemistry, too. It's just recognizing that high interest and hot chemistry don't mean anything (good or bad) about the soundness or appropriateness of a relationship. Enjoy it, but also realize that time will tell if there is serious potential.

 

I agree with this 100%. High interest isn't predictive of anything other than high interest.

[Rejected Rosebud]

As long as he continues treating me well, that's more important than his past.

From what you've posted about him from the very first post it's not his past that creeps me out about him. It's the way he is right now according to what you shared here. Oh well I really hope you read him wrong!! Good luck!!

[Eternal Sunshine]

My last 2 relationships were very pragmatic. Guys had good characteristics for being long term partners and things progressed one step at the time. They still failed miserably as neither of us really fell in love.

 

You hear it all the time: I knew I would marry her the moment I first met her. Men especially operate this way. If only women stopped desperately trying to make slow burn relationships work and trying to hold on to lukewarm guys.

 

Only time will tell if tux's relationship will last, I can't know that as long term compatibility is revealed over time. But it sure is a great start.

[dobielover]

You hear it all the time: I knew I would marry her the moment I first met her. Men especially operate this way.

 

But they don't tell the woman that, until much, much later, sometimes not until after they're married.

[morrowrd]

Listen, EVERYONE has a past. (you included) So what he was into sluts and porn, he's into you now. He found something good, and changed, or so it appears. He isn't the first man on earth to find the girl of his dreams and changed. Relationships, good ones, cause you to grow has a person...and maybe you and this relationship was what he was always looking for.

 

My advice, give him a chance. You haven't been together long enough to see a pattern yet. If he means what he says, it's going to show in how he lives his life as opposed to his words. If he loves you, he's going to mean what he says, because you're important.

 

I'm recommending you give him that chance to prove himself. You might find yourself with a Prince Charming.

Edited January 24, 2016 by morrowrd

[spiderowl]

I think there are guys where such talk of exes betrays their attitude to women. Then there are other guys whose friends talked like that and they just haven't grown past it. For example my neighbour's son. He used to spend hours in the garden with my daughter when they were little. They sat on the swings and talked. They played football. Both of them went different ways - she to study, he to driving jobs.

 

He got in with a bunch of troubled kids and acquired their attitudes. He now talks a mixture of language - toughness he acquired from them and his family background (I could hear the language they used through the wall!) and that sort of soppy sweetness you get from a Labrador dog who just wants to be loved really. I know if my daughter wanted him, he'd be devoted to her. It's sad but she doesn't.

 

Point is, some guys just haven't learnt how to be mature with women. They pick phrases up from mates (and porn) and think that's the way everyone talks. These guys can mend their ways. The ones who really have bad attitudes to women will display this in multiple ways. So, the conversation has made you aware of a potential issue. Whether this is a pervasive issue or just immaturity will become obvious in a short space of time.

[tuxedo cat]

I think there are guys where such talk of exes betrays their attitude to women. Then there are other guys whose friends talked like that and they just haven't grown past it. For example my neighbour's son. He used to spend hours in the garden with my daughter when they were little. They sat on the swings and talked. They played football. Both of them went different ways - she to study, he to driving jobs.

 

He got in with a bunch of troubled kids and acquired their attitudes. He now talks a mixture of language - toughness he acquired from them and his family background (I could hear the language they used through the wall!) and that sort of soppy sweetness you get from a Labrador dog who just wants to be loved really. I know if my daughter wanted him, he'd be devoted to her. It's sad but she doesn't.

 

Point is, some guys just haven't learnt how to be mature with women. They pick phrases up from mates (and porn) and think that's the way everyone talks. These guys can mend their ways. The ones who really have bad attitudes to women will display this in multiple ways. So, the conversation has made you aware of a potential issue. Whether this is a pervasive issue or just immaturity will become obvious in a short space of time.

 

Yes. I definitely think he falls into that sweet guy with crass upbringing category. His friends now are pretty progressive but he grew up in a town that he hated because it was so narrowminded. The more time I spend with him, the more sweetness I see. He pulled out an IPad tonight and the wallpaper was a giant photo of his younger sister's baby.

Edited January 24, 2016 by tuxedo cat

[Leigh 87]

My last 2 relationships were very pragmatic. Guys had good characteristics for being long term partners and things progressed one step at the time. They still failed miserably as neither of us really fell in love.

 

You hear it all the time: I knew I would marry her the moment I first met her. Men especially operate this way. If only women stopped desperately trying to make slow burn relationships work and trying to hold on to lukewarm guys.

 

Only time will tell if tux's relationship will last, I can't know that as long term compatibility is revealed over time. But it sure is a great start.

 

I love your view in this topic.

 

Even if my current relationship doesn't last. .. at least I can say that I felt the intense, all consuming love that can only come to be through mutual limerence and infatuation. Obviously the infatuation high isn't real love but when it does lead to love it is the best kind of love that I've ever felt and witnesses in my friends and even my own parents.

 

And if it does work, he will be able to say on our wedding day that he *just knew* immediately.

 

I look back at all my infatuation based deliances and and boy do I feel like I've lived. After settling and being settled for by *Andrew* four years ago whoI wrote extensively about on this website, the ensuing years were loaded with passion.

 

I don't think anyone is disputing the passion versus compatability being mutually exclusive ideal.... they are saying his actions are showing a few red flags. ..

 

I am a woman that dated an awful lot and I have had so many hot and heavy lovers disengage and wind up either not that into me emotionally or once, a gyy had a reduced capacity to fall in love or love someone besides his own children.

 

I didn't really care. I mean okay, you feel crappy when the infatuation isn't returned. But I knew full well it wasn't true love and the infatuation died down quickly enough.

 

I always jumped into these intense situations with the forsight: " if it works, we will have the best possible type of relationship (high passion with high compatability). If it DOESN'T work out (which let's face it, it rarely does work out with the people you crush on the hardest) then no love is lost and I know I'll be fine"

 

Better to give true passion a chance to grow into compatability on all key levels than to try and water a lukewarm relationship in the hopes that being super *compatible * can potentially induce chemistry.

Edited January 24, 2016 by Leigh 87

[Leigh 87]

Here are some things to be mindful of:

 

- remember that the intense men that come on strong are usually doing so because they have mental problems, are trying to fill a void, have an unhealthy attachment style whereby they latch onto all cute women that give them the time of day.

When it is too good to be true, it usually is. I've told myself this actively for every day of my current relationship.

 

Very rarely is a man totally enamoured for real without it being dubious in nature. Unless you're wildly beautiful, it's extremely rare for an emotionally healthy man to legit fall hard for a woman without it being driven by desperation or lonleyness.

 

Sorry to sound cynical.

 

Try and enjoy it as much as you can but also brace yourself for the likely fallout. I always do.

 

Now, if it's 6 mnths down the track like it is with my current boyfriend and you're living together everything seems legit still, passionate couples are apt to friction and disagreement far more than complacent and slow burners..... my bf and I are very compatible and the passion is only increasing to new heights but when we have had disagreements it hurts and is all consuming and eveb debilitating.

 

There is a long way to fall in intense relationships and worse still, you tend to he blinded to the red flags. My bf have seen each other warts and all already and frankly, we are both difficult. We both have tempers. We don't view each other as perfect and nor do I want to change a thing about him.

 

Just make sure to assess his bad traits, such as condemning his exes to a barrage of insults, and decide whether it is acceptable. Personally, it's a real turn off to me. My boyfriends ex struck him with a stileto and was a terrible drinker and would love attention from guys but he didn't use a single derogatory word to describe her. He literally described her actions in the way I have done. No swearing or ill will passed his lips.

 

Plus my bf took responsibility for his part in it all; it was a toxic relationship and he remained in it because he was a toxic person to an extent and he was co dependant despite knowing it wasn't a good match.

 

While it is highly concerning that your bf is talking so ill of his exes, it is rare for most people to feel the butterflies and sparks and to get a racing heart when they text or call you. I totally don't blame you for going ahead with him. I have been one to overlook blaring red flags only to get hurt. I never regretted having tried though with those guys.

 

My bf and I demonstrate a few red flags early on but have overcame our doubts and have proven to be blissful months in I hope all is well with this new guy, I really wish you wel here.

[tuxedo cat]

Leigh, if you really feel that guys who feel intensely at the start all have mental issues, why are you with your BF? I certainly wouldn't be with mine if I felt that way...

 

Were a bunch of posts deleted? I thought there was another page but it disappeared.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Here are some pertinent things about "love bombing": Sounds practically word for word:eek:

 

(Link: https://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/11/15/the-psychopaths-hook-love-bombing-sex-and-flattery/)

 

once they set their eyes on you as their main target (their “prize”), psychopaths typically engage in whirlwind romances. They can’t get enough of you. They want to see you and make love to you all the time. They flatter you constantly. They tell you that no woman they’ve ever been with is as smart, as beautiful, as classy as you are. You are the one true love of their lives. Their only love. Victims tend to eat the flattery up, since after all, who doesn’t like to be told such positive and beautiful things? They don’t ask themselves a common sense question: Why is this guy flattering me so much?

 

Most normal people don’t love bomb. They do not engage in over-the-top flattery; they do not make promises of eternal love right off the bat; they don’t call you the love of their lives without even knowing you. These are patterns of behavior that should be suspicious because they are very common lures for predators.

 

More:

 

(Exposed! 11 Lies Love-Bombing Narcissists Tell | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed)

 

Narc Speak:

 

I can’t believe I’ve finally found you.

I’ve never felt so comfortable in someone’s company before.

No one understands me like you do.

You’re the most beautiful woman (or man) I’ve ever seen.

You have the most attractive __________ (eyes, hair, body shape, smile, dimples).

My Ex was a psycho, drug addict, alcoholic, schizoid, cheater, etc.

You’re the best girlfriend I’ve ever had.

I think I love you. I think I want to marry you.

I never got married before because I haven’t found the right person yet.

We have so much in common.

 

That's enough Google has thousands of pages of the same. I am not saying that your guy is a psychopath or a narcissist but he IS "love bombing." I have to wonder why every single thing you quoted from ALL your transcript of texting and everything don't even have any variation outside of these things ... I mean it's verbatim. It's like he didn't even try to get any new material!!

 

I get that you and Leigh 87 are different from me and you will risk a lot in order to get this kind of excitement and validation but I have to wonder why you are willingly putting blinders on. You decided to share a lot of personal exchanges with him - why?? I think because you wanted other peoples' read on it and you questioned whether it was positive or not?? I mean it's like if you were driving your car straight towards a cliff and read the sign that says WARNING CLIFF AHEAD and you TELL your passenger "look! A warning sign ahead!! What do you think of that??" and then - just drive straight off it.

 

Why are you running straight towards a cliche of "love bombing" on purpose, instead of choosing to measure yourself and be very observant, I can't understand. If he's a solid guy and your relationship has a future, you taking some care wouldn't mess anything up. If he would not accept this, then that speaks for itself. I'm afraid you will be unhappy soon.

[Omei]

I think Leigh is wise to give caution.

 

While I was reading this I couldnt help but think about my first boyfriend who was abusive, he too had an abusive father, spoke very ill of ex's and also was addicted to porn(which i can tell you after time its hard to deal with) I ignored those and spent the next five years in hell, I honestly thought I was reading about my ex.

 

Op's guy to me has too many red flags and of course not everyone turns out bad im not saying this guy will be bad but im saying he def displays some serious traits to watch out for imo and if it was me id walk away, I have experience in what problems he brings to the table entails esp the abusive father(there will be a very high chance in a fight he will display the same verbally abusive traits when comfortable as he was brought up with it, it may be embedded) and the porn addiction its hard to be a partner of someone addicted to porn you never feel good enough you'll get sick of finding their porn stashes lol there are various kinds haha.

Edited January 25, 2016 by Omei

[jen1447]

Were a bunch of posts deleted? I thought there was another page but it disappeared.

 

Yeah, there was some kind of dustup that went away.

[Leigh 87]

Rejected Rosebud

 

I am not turning a blind eye at all.

 

I am not willing to take silly risks in the name of chemistry at all. I am not dating a guy that has displayed major red flags and he us amazing to me so yeah, I am not in the OPs position and if I was, I would stop investing much and be VERY cautious!

 

Aside from the fact my bf fell for me fast, we have gone on to have 6 months of bliss.

 

I personally don't find it hard to believe that a man would fall hard for me. Many have, cute nice men who were devestated when I just didn't feel a spark and lamented to friends how much they fell for me and wanted me to give them a chance.

 

So.... I don't think a man falling hard for me or Tuxedo is a warning sign in and of itself. She isn't some hideous bridge troll that we have to feel amazement towards when a man purportedly falls head over heels for her. ...

 

It's the fact he tradhed his exes and is aggressively love bombing that would have irked me, if my bf trashed his exes I'd be super suspicious and stop emotionally investing as much. I'd be on HEIGHTENED alert.

 

I mean as I said, my bfs ex made his head bleed with a stileto. Among other now hilarious indecenta that he looks back on and laughs at! Yet never did my bf utter a single bad word about her. The way he described the evidents was not laced with spite or hatred towards his ex and that's really import.

 

My exes were wankers and I do admit to talking ill of them. It's a red flag, I know. It is usually the girl that's the psycho when she us the one to carry on about her "loser " ex boyfriend's yet my exes WERE actually that awful. I did get cheated on, they ALL forgot valentine's and anniversaries and my birthdays. They didn't even stick up for me when their asswipe friends tried to hit on me (they blamed me).

 

So maybe the guys exes really were terrible? It's unfortunate that most people that trash talk their exes are usually the unhinged ones but I can personally attest that I was not a crappy girlfriend yet my exes were genuinely losers.

 

I agree that sometimes people don't put their best foot forward and red flags start to flap

 

I can't comment further other than to say to Tuxedo to PLEASE be careful and to not overly invest. .......

[Gaeta]

Toxedo Cat: I think you should leave a relationship when you have a reason to leave and I don't see any.

 

So far all I read were speculations. He has actually done nothing wrong against you. He is sweet, attentive, affectionate and you are receptive and are enjoying it. If you felt overwhelmed by it then my advice would be different. I have experienced love bombing a couple of times and it feels very artificial and overwhelming to me so I knew to get out of that relationship. If he were love bombing I think you would have a gut feeling.

 

The night I met my ex-husband he told his mother he had met the woman he was going to marry. She laughed at him...we married 3 years later.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, if you really feel that guys who feel intensely at the start all have mental issues, why are you with your BF? I certainly wouldn't be with mine if I felt that way...

 

Were a bunch of posts deleted? I thought there was another page but it disappeared.

 

I didn't say all men. ..

 

 

But MOST men who fall hard and fast aren't genuine or they are NARCS or just have mental problems.

 

You have to very careful. I have been very careful; I know how rare it is for an intense beginning to actually last.

 

I am simply telling you to take caution and be aware.

 

I was totally blown away and smitten by my own beginning to my relationship. It's 6 mnths in now and as wonderful as it is, I still know that men that come on strong are usually no good for us.....

 

I am enjoying it all but I am not letting the intensity of it all give me a false sense of progression within the relationship.

 

I really hope it works out for both of our new relationships but let's try to manage our expectations at this early stage. As far as I am concerned, it takes a couple of years in order to determine whether someone is a NARC or head case.

 

I am in your position. My bf tells me that he has never felt this way, I am the One and so on and so forth...and we also had the instant chemistry. Now based on experience, both personal experience and from me observing all of my friends and reading a lot on Love shack ----- the odds are agaisnt us.

 

As long as you realize that, based on our intense and heady beginings, that alone makes us stastucially very UNLIKELY to go on and have happy long term relationships with these love crazy guys.

 

After 6 amazing months, I still know that it'll take another 1 to 2 years to truly get to know my bf. Especially bearing in mind that the relationships that burn the brightest tend to burn out the fastest.

 

The last guy like this from a year ago came on strong, said he fell for me on night one and flew me 5 hrs away. Bought me an expensive necklace. Treated me to dinner dates each night. He soon realized that we weren't right for each other. ...

Sure he was enamored with me. But we ultimately weren't compatible at all and that soon ruined any chemistry we shared.

 

Just enjoy and be careful.

 

Don't be shocked if it doesn't work out and rather, be surprised if it DOES work.

 

That's my outlook anyway.

[tuxedo cat]

Toxedo Cat: I think you should leave a relationship when you have a reason to leave and I don't see any.

 

So far all I read were speculations. He has actually done nothing wrong against you. He is sweet, attentive, affectionate and you are receptive and are enjoying it. If you felt overwhelmed by it then my advice would be different. I have experienced love bombing a couple of times and it feels very artificial and overwhelming to me so I knew to get out of that relationship. If he were love bombing I think you would have a gut feeling.

 

The night I met my ex-husband he told his mother he had met the woman he was going to marry. She laughed at him...we married 3 years later.

 

Exactly. He hasn't done anything to ever hurt me. I feel like if he were abusive there would be *some* sign in his behavior toward me, not just in how he talked about a couple exes. My experience has been that abusive men usually show their true colors early on with little critical comments directed at YOU. We've spent a lot of time together in the short period we've known each other and he's never once criticized me. I've done things that might have pissed other guys off - acted aloof/weird when I'm feeling anxious, grilled him about his past, not seen him as often as he'd like. But he's been consistently patient and kind to me.

 

In contrast my emotionally abusive ex had a vicious streak that came out within hours of our first meeting (we had been talking online for a few months before). Another semi abusive ex whom I ended things with before the abuse crystalized dropped shady little comments about me from a week in, like picking on the fact that I slept in on a Saturday morning. In some ways they both reminded me of persnickety gay men. They also tried to interfere in my logistical and personal life, telling me the right way to do things when I hadn't asked.

 

J is very different. He's laid back, masculine and not concerned with detail. I really, really can't imagine him abusing a girl. At absolute worst I could see him saying some nasty things in a moment of anger and then taking them back later.

[Ariadne]

I've decided I don't want to end it. Spent the night with him and that gut bad feeling evaporated. He makes me really happy when we're together... As long as he continues treating me well...but as long as he's treating me well and I feel the way I do about him, I see no reason to end it. He's smart, cute, has a good job, a good boyfriend and we have great chemistry. Every guy is going to have some baggage; it's a matter of whether it's baggage you're willing to accept. I think I can accept his as long as he doesn't change.

 

Hope your love for him keeps growing and that you are happy together for a very long time!