issues with my BF ugh

[Rejected Rosebud]

The porn thing is messed up but I still think people are reading too much into the comments about his exes.

It's not so much about the exes, it's the disrespectful and nasty attitude about women in general. I mean who wants to be the ONLY member of a giant group of the population who is acceptable??:confused: It's like racism: I really don't like black people, and here are some examples of the lowlife black people I have known, except I do like YOU because you aren't like all those other black people. Seems like the same thing to me.

 

Even if it weren't for all the manipulative and creepy things he's said, anybody who rags on about their bad exes in the first handful of dates is showing some problems don't you think so??

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

The other thing I didn't mention that's pushing me over the edge is that, although he knows I'm really sick tonight and want to be left alone, he is urging me to come to his apartment where he can take care of me.

If he were a good boyfriend candidate he would be at YOUR apartment bearing soup and gingerale that kind of stuff. Why doesn't he come to your house?

[tuxedo cat]

 

You're sick and he wants you to travel to him so he can take care of you...um, no, he needs to come to you unless that's not a workable situation because of your living arrangements. (And, you've told him you want to be alone.)

 

He never comes to my place because he is allergic to mold and claims he could smell mold the second he first stepped into my building (I smell nothing and have never had anyone complain about this), and that he was verging on an allergic attack...

 

On the other hand he always orders me an uber (which costs 40 bucks to his place) and his roommate who has known him for 15 years verifies that he's allergic to mold.

Edited January 23, 2016 by tuxedo cat

[Methodical]

He never comes to my place because he is allergic to mold and claims he could smell mold the second he first stepped into my building (I smell nothing and have never had anyone complain about this), and that he was verging on an allergic attack...

 

On the other hand he always orders me an uber (which costs 40 bucks to his place) and his roommate who has known him for 15 years verifies that he's allergic to mold.

 

 

If you were mine, I'd take my chances and come to you, (especially after having begged you to not leave/breakup) - provided you agreed. Respecting your wishes is paramount. Besides not feeling well, you may need space to process and wrap your mind around your discoveries.

 

His allergic reaction could have been a one-off thing. If not, I'm sure you'd understand and send him on his way in lieu of having a reaction.

[MidwestUSA]

Right. It was like I could feel the exact moment it imploded when we had this conversation. Something is off with him. I don't think I can return to the way I felt before.

 

The other thing I didn't mention that's pushing me over the edge is that, although he knows I'm really sick tonight and want to be left alone, he is urging me to come to his apartment where he can take care of me. I keep telling him I'm not up for it but he won't let it go.

 

I'll avoid touching on the implosion, but the rest of this, just no.

 

When you need your space, he needs to respect that. I had a guy wanting to wait on me hand and foot (after one meeting!), because I was going in for knee surgery. I had my rides lined up and everything set, but he kept pushing. He had some serious need to be needed, if that makes sense.

 

A guy should value the fact that you're a grown woman who can take care of herself. And everyone is different when they are sick. I just want to be left alone. If I need help, I'll ask.

 

I hope it's not respiratory and related to mold. If you're sick a lot, you may want to check into it.

[Gaeta]

The whole time he was telling me he loved me and begging me not to leave him. He says he puts me on a pedestal and doesn't see me that way, that I'm marriage material and he's very serious about me, that he only wants me and can only cum to me now. I told him that I have to think it over.

 

I am re-reading your story.

 

This time this part here got my attention. You have been dating 6 weeks and he loves you? begs you? and he knows already you are marriage material. This in itself is a big red flag.

 

How old is he?

[Gaeta]

and that he was verging on an allergic attack...

.

 

He was verging................but you never saw him have a reaction, right?

[Methodical]

I am re-reading your story.

 

This time this part here got my attention. You have been dating 6 weeks and he loves you? begs you? and he knows already you are marriage material. This in itself is a big red flag.

 

How old is he?

 

The quote you used caught my eye too, Gaeta. But it was the part about only being able to cum to her now. How does he know unless he has been checking out porn and made this new discovery? Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-porn. That just seems like a strange comment to make after professing he longer engages in that activity.

 

Tux, you've had a major impact on him is six weeks. I'm intrigued.

Hope you feel well soon. ((HUGS))

[Gaeta]

The quote you used caught my eye too, Gaeta. But it was the part about only being able to cum to her now. How does he know unless he has been checking out porn and made this new discovery? Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-porn. That just seems like a strange comment to make after professing he longer engages in that activity.

 

I think he's lying. I think he is telling her this to convince her to stay.

 

I think he's pretty trash himself. The language he uses when he talks about other women, the ILY and the begging, the cum comment. All of that sounds like something you'd heard in a bad B movie. Lets not forget how he has sex like they have it in porn.

 

Not too classy, I'd avoid taking him to family Sunday night dinner.

[tuxedo cat]

I am re-reading your story.

 

This time this part here got my attention. You have been dating 6 weeks and he loves you? begs you? and he knows already you are marriage material. This in itself is a big red flag.

 

How old is he?

 

He's 34.

 

I don't get why he's coming on so strong either. I think his history has something to do with it. He and his mother were super close and he lost her when he was 26 to cancer (took care of her at the end). I asked him to describe her personality once and it sounded a lot like me - kind and shy, kind of reclusive.

[xxoo]

Connection = chemistry. Hormones racing. Feels great, but it doesn't mean that it's a compatible match.

[heartbroken1357]

right, i'm going to go against what most have said in reply to your post, most of them are women, i believe, see us men and women look at things differently..

 

he's 34 now, chances are he's matured from dating those girl's he described as "trash" and he's opened up and been honest with you, i mean that says something in it's self.

 

not to big myself up or anything but i like to think i'm a nice guy okay, but I too have dated long term, two women that I would consider trash because they cheated on me, and treated me like crap, does that make me a bad person? no!

 

he sounds like he's had a tough upbrining and the porn obsession i wouldn't cringe too much out about, most males watch porn on a regular basis even when married, no sweat.

 

the bottom paragraph you described a man that most women would long for, if i was in your shoes, i'd stick it out with this guy and see where it goes, you may regret it if you make a knee jerk decision based on his honesty.

[dobielover]

Why would you want to break up with what seems to be an amazing boyfriend.

 

Are you serious?

 

This guy comes across very juvenile, and immature. I am not reading a description in these threads of an amazing boyfriend. I am reading about an insecure, emotionally unhealthy and immature guy who's projecting a fantasy relationship of love and marriage material onto a woman he barely knows.

 

And calling other women he's treated similarly yet who it didn't work out with retroactively slutty.

[Hughes101]

 

The whole time he was telling me he loved me and begging me not to leave him. He says he puts me on a pedestal and doesn't see me that way, that I'm marriage material and he's very serious about me, that he only wants me and can only cum to me now. I told him that I have to think it

 

After 1 and a half months? He says he Loves you and begging you not to leave, isn't this s bigger red flag than the porn addiction and the other suff

Edited January 23, 2016 by Hughes101

[loverboy69]

right, i'm going to go against what most have said in reply to your post, most of them are women, i believe, see us men and women look at things differently..

 

he's 34 now, chances are he's matured from dating those girl's he described as "trash" and he's opened up and been honest with you, i mean that says something in it's self.

 

not to big myself up or anything but i like to think i'm a nice guy okay, but I too have dated long term, two women that I would consider trash because they cheated on me, and treated me like crap, does that make me a bad person? no!

 

he sounds like he's had a tough upbrining and the porn obsession i wouldn't cringe too much out about, most males watch porn on a regular basis even when married, no sweat.

 

the bottom paragraph you described a man that most women would long for, if i was in your shoes, i'd stick it out with this guy and see where it goes, you may regret it if you make a knee jerk decision based on his honesty.

 

I agree with you. I won't stir up the pot but to me it already sounds like she's given up.

 

Poor guy. At least now he'll be open to find a woman who loves him for who he is and is less judgmental about his past.

[Kamille]

Two things bug me about this -

 

1. Many things about your bf do sound alarming. He strikes me as somewhat self-obsessed to tell you the truth.

 

That said

 

2. You asked him to open up and then were unhappy about what you heard. This strikes me as you trying to force intimacy while simultaneously creating drama.

 

 

The way I see it, my job in a relationship is to nurture it - make sure it has room to grow. Neither one of you is doing this. Instead you're forcing it to grow. With that technique, you will run into drama of the kind you are now experiencing.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Nobody can tell if this will last the distance but I am the same as tuxedo cat, high interest level turns me on. I love over the top declarations where a guy just can't help but blurt things out due to high levels of chemistry and attraction. Everyone knows that a person can't love another person deeply after knowing the a month. He is expressing high levels of infatuation and I think it's adorable.

 

Some people like pragmatic love. Spaced out dates, politically correct conversations and no ILY in at least 3 months. Please give me an over-sharing, emotional guy any day.

 

Nothing this guy said or did is a red flag to me. We have all done ****ty things in the past only he is overly open in admitting them. I think tux likes him too. I just wish she would relax and enjoy

[dobielover]

Nobody can tell if this will last the distance but I am the same as tuxedo cat, high interest level turns me on. I love over the top declarations where a guy just can't help but blurt things out due to high levels of chemistry and attraction. Everyone knows that a person can't love another person deeply after knowing the a month. He is expressing high levels of infatuation and I think it's adorable.

 

Some people like pragmatic love. Spaced out dates, politically correct conversations and no ILY in at least 3 months. Please give me an over-sharing, emotional guy any day.

 

Nothing this guy said or did is a red flag to me. We have all done ****ty things in the past only he is overly open in admitting them. I think tux likes him too. I just wish she would relax and enjoy

 

When was your last healthy long term relationship? Or Tux's? I don't know the history, but I cannot imagine this is working for either of you?

 

Expressing infatuation is possible without declaring love. It comes with consistency, appropriate compliments, etc. What he's doing is over the top and is pretty much textbook of someone not capable of true intimacy, and someone who eats that up and wants it is probably incapable of it themselves.

[xxoo]

Nobody can tell if this will last the distance but I am the same as tuxedo cat, high interest level turns me on. I love over the top declarations where a guy just can't help but blurt things out due to high levels of chemistry and attraction. Everyone knows that a person can't love another person deeply after knowing the a month. He is expressing high levels of infatuation and I think it's adorable.

 

Some people like pragmatic love. Spaced out dates, politically correct conversations and no ILY in at least 3 months. Please give me an over-sharing, emotional guy any day.

 

Nothing this guy said or did is a red flag to me. We have all done ****ty things in the past only he is overly open in admitting them. I think tux likes him too. I just wish she would relax and enjoy

 

I enjoy high interest AND acknowledge red flags. It's not like the red flag people don't get turned on by high interest and hot chemistry, too. It's just recognizing that high interest and hot chemistry don't mean anything (good or bad) about the soundness or appropriateness of a relationship. Enjoy it, but also realize that time will tell if there is serious potential.

[dobielover]

Two things bug me about this -

 

1. Many things about your bf do sound alarming. He strikes me as somewhat self-obsessed to tell you the truth.

 

That said

 

2. You asked him to open up and then were unhappy about what you heard. This strikes me as you trying to force intimacy while simultaneously creating drama.

 

 

The way I see it, my job in a relationship is to nurture it - make sure it has room to grow. Neither one of you is doing this. Instead you're forcing it to grow. With that technique, you will run into drama of the kind you are now experiencing.

 

That's a really good way of putting it. They're not allowing it to grow roots. It's like they're just putting a translanted huge redwood tree on top of the soil and expecting it to not topple over, instead of planting a seed and letting it grow slowly, strong and sure over time, with deep roots that won't give way.

[Gaeta]

Are you serious?

 

This guy comes across very juvenile, and immature. I am not reading a description in these threads of an amazing boyfriend. I am reading about an insecure, emotionally unhealthy and immature guy who's projecting a fantasy relationship of love and marriage material onto a woman he barely knows.

 

And calling other women he's treated similarly yet who it didn't work out with retroactively slutty.

 

He's smart, funny as hell and warm. He's really, really sweet to me, better than any guy has been. I had a boyfriend who was that way from a distance but not when we were together in person. J is totally consistent with both actions and words. He dotes on me. When I was sick he took care of me, he remembers everything I say and gives me little things that I've mentioned offhand that I like, he takes me out to cultural events he knows I'll appreciate. When we're touching I get overwhelmed with warmth and connection and the second one of us pulls away I miss him and want more.

 

To me that's a perfect boyfriend of 1 month and a half. Everything was wonderful till she started poking in his past. So he was jerk and made bad choices in his past - that's the past. She should judge him for what he is today and how he is in their relationship together. Calling his ex 'tramps' is a mistake but a mistake people with no life experience. I am sure when I was young I called my exs jerks and pervs and worse. Now I know best and have more introspection. It comes with maturity.

[dobielover]

He's smart, funny as hell and warm. He's really, really sweet to me, better than any guy has been. I had a boyfriend who was that way from a distance but not when we were together in person. J is totally consistent with both actions and words. He dotes on me. When I was sick he took care of me, he remembers everything I say and gives me little things that I've mentioned offhand that I like, he takes me out to cultural events he knows I'll appreciate. When we're touching I get overwhelmed with warmth and connection and the second one of us pulls away I miss him and want more.

 

To me that's a perfect boyfriend of 1 month and a half. Everything was wonderful till she started poking in his past. So he was jerk and made bad choices in his past - that's the past. She should judge him for what he is today and how he is in their relationship together. Calling his ex 'tramps' is a mistake but a mistake people with no life experience. I am sure when I was young I called my exs jerks and pervs and worse. Now I know best and have more introspection. It comes with maturity.

 

It's like you read that one bolded paragraph and ignored the rest of the very lengthy OP.

 

You have a tendency to do that, to zero in on the good stuff, and ignore the glaring, huge waiving red flags the same way the OP seems to do... and there are plenty in the OP alone, let alone her other threads about this guy.

 

You guys can't see the forest for the trees.

[tuxedo cat]

I've decided I don't want to end it. Spent the night with him and that gut bad feeling evaporated. He makes me really happy when we're together. As long as he continues treating me well, that's more important than his past. That doesn't mean I'll throw all caution to the wind - I'll keep paying attention - but as long as he's treating me well and I feel the way I do about him, I see no reason to end it. He's smart, cute, has a good job, a good boyfriend and we have great chemistry. Every guy is going to have some baggage; it's a matter of whether it's baggage you're willing to accept. I think I can accept his as long as he doesn't change.

Edited January 23, 2016 by tuxedo cat

[tuxedo cat]

Nobody can tell if this will last the distance but I am the same as tuxedo cat, high interest level turns me on. I love over the top declarations where a guy just can't help but blurt things out due to high levels of chemistry and attraction. Everyone knows that a person can't love another person deeply after knowing the a month. He is expressing high levels of infatuation and I think it's adorable.

 

Some people like pragmatic love. Spaced out dates, politically correct conversations and no ILY in at least 3 months. Please give me an over-sharing, emotional guy any day.

 

Nothing this guy said or did is a red flag to me. We have all done ****ty things in the past only he is overly open in admitting them. I think tux likes him too. I just wish she would relax and enjoy

 

Yes to everything you said. Right, it's not deep love yet but he feels something strong, as do I, and we're both emotional people so we're not dating by the numbers. Of course there are blow torch guys, every woman has dated a couple, but you also hear stories all the time about ppl falling in love very fast and staying together. My boss has such a relationship. She and her husband were declaring their love a few weeks in, even discussing "forever", and they've been together now 16 years. I feel a lot less doubtful of his consistency in comparison to the two blowtorches I dated, especially because he has such strong relationships with the women in his family and I've observed first hand how loyal he is to his friends. Those guys had very few if any solid ties aside from me. I think one thing that makes my BF and I both feel so intensely about each other is that neither of us is used to receiving reciprocal affection. We're used to people pulling away when we give them love. For most men I've dated, their passion is fueled by slight resistance or a delicate balance of affection and ambivalence. So I feel pressured to put on a tiresome act around them. J is different that way...he's not critical and he doesn't shy away from intimacy. The more I give him, the more I get back, as it should be.

 

I disagree with this modern idea that every relationship has to follow a script. People aren't robots, they're messy and awkward and most are just trying to figure things out, stumbling along the way. I've dated slow burn guys and those relationships didn't last either because they were passionless and incompatible with my style. One of two things happened: I never fell in love with the guy because I couldn't relate to his dryness or the guy revealed he just wanted to play the field...and usually had some shadiness that he was hiding.

Edited January 23, 2016 by tuxedo cat

[tuxedo cat]

Two things bug me about this -

 

1. Many things about your bf do sound alarming. He strikes me as somewhat self-obsessed to tell you the truth.

 

That said

 

2. You asked him to open up and then were unhappy about what you heard. This strikes me as you trying to force intimacy while simultaneously creating drama.

 

 

The way I see it, my job in a relationship is to nurture it - make sure it has room to grow. Neither one of you is doing this. Instead you're forcing it to grow. With that technique, you will run into drama of the kind you are now experiencing.

 

Yeah, I feel guilty for doing that to him. I apologized last night.

 

Where do you get the self obsessed thing? I really don't see that in him.

Edited January 23, 2016 by tuxedo cat