I broke NC:(

[Popsicle]

And for the record, all those feelings he had for you were genuine. But feelings aren't enough.

[Forceawakensme]

No problem...its like your dying to learn to swim in the ocean...dying to get in the water and swim...then the moment comes and you take the leap off the boat...and your immediately overwhelmed and want the safety and comfort of the boat back.

 

You wanted to be free...but then your afraid, the lonliness hits like a tidal wave, the feeling of rejection hurts the ego and self esteem, and suddenly you wish to go back to the safety and comfort and the familiar texts and emails, you'd even take a breadcrumb over feeling the way you are.

 

I can only say push through. I can still remember the first time I genuinely smiled after I was coldly ended with by xeap...I was shocked by my own smile, shocked I had made it through that many days without him and no longer reaching for him. It was AMAZING! But in those early days, could barely get dressed, had chest pain, cried so much I thought my eyeballs might pop out.

Its a real unsettling time. I also changed my number, closed my email. I did better than blocking cause I thought Im not desperate...Im not the girl who will be used, dropped, then wait on him to change his mind.

 

You WILL survive this.

He will be miserable.

His life is not a hallmark commercial.

Let him keep walking.

 

PG.. more golden words. Thank you. I will read and re-read this ad nauseum - it speaks straight to me.

 

I have to say i smiled through my tears when i read the

"He will be miserable" -- ..God, i hope so... lovely right? true love indeed LOL. I know i wont feel that way forever but right now that notion gives me lots of comfort ha.

[Forceawakensme]

You don't need to be slapped! :0 You could be in an bargaining stage where you think if you did something different the outcome would have been different which is true but would it have been a good different? Maybe he would have disappeared sooner or fed you different lies that would have you stuck in limbo for much longer. You have a fresh start to move on and find what makes you happy for your future. Learn from your past just don't stay there to long as it's not healthy. Would have /could have /should have /won't help, I know this from experience. Focus on you and make yourself an priority not an option:)

 

Totally Maddie. I kept going over and over everything i said the other night and if i'd only said this or not said that. Bargaining stage, big time --- Im most certainly going through the stages of grief.

 

I will power through. I will NOT contact him under any circumstances.

 

Thank you all for your help tonight. You have saved me my last shred of dignity.

Edited January 15, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[Lois_Griffin]

I actually encourage you to do just that - reach out to him and tell him you DO want him to leave his wife and children and be with you.

 

Then watch the back-peddling begin.

 

You'll probably hear all kinds of crap about how it will take him at least 6 months to a year to work this all out financially, legally, logistically, and blah blah blah.

 

So, right off the bat, he'll buy himself 6 months to a year of your continued participation in allowing him to live a life and half while you live a mere half a life.

 

And over these next 6-12 months, don't be surprised if they go away on vacation together or make new purchases such as cars or homes, etc. He'll tell you it's all part of the 'plan' and not to worry.

 

It's possible a few months in that he'll tell you that they've 'separated' and she's living in one part of the house and he's in another. They love telling that one their OWs in order to keep them fully invested and to give them hope that things are moving along as planned. The odds of that actually happening? Low, very very low.

 

When you're getting close to the deadline after a year, expect to start hearing about possible illnesses in the family - perhaps his wife has health issues that are getting worse (a cancer diagnosis or some other malady that requires husbandly support), or one of their parents is failing and suddenly needs he and his wife to care for them round the clock, etc. etc. You certainly can't expect him to leave now when a loved one is fighting for their life, can you? Jeez, stop being so selfish, Force.

 

Or, you might hear that wifey still doesn't have a job that will successfully support her and their two children if he were to leave (even if she did get child support and possible alimony). Maybe she still has 2 years of collage to go, or can't even get a job because she's been out of the job market for 5+ years. He sure can't leave now if she can't even support herself and his children, can he? Jeez, stop being so selfish, Force.

 

You may get that overused "my wife threatened to commit suicide if I leave her," or "my wife said I'll never see my children again if I leave her," or "my wife threatened to move my children back to her home state if I leave her." Those are crowd favorites and used often. Another time-worn favorite excuse is, "she's threatening to ruin me financially if I leave - I'll have nothing!" He sure can't leave now if he's not 100% positive he can still see his children, can he? Jeez, stop being so selfish, Force.

 

And then there are the ones that actually do try to leave - sort of. They maybe DO tell the wife they're having an affair or they cause a catastrophic fight - either one necessitating his exit from the house and call to you moments later to let you know he's 'left.'

 

After a couple days of his crying and whining about what he's done, he goes back home and faces the music.

 

And you're left to pick up the pieces.

 

Why did I encourage you to tell him you want him to leave? Because maybe living through the very real hell described above will finally give you the insight to understand what a losing battle this really is.

 

Because it is.

[Dancewithme]

Happy New Years to you all, I pray that each of you have a blessed, authentic, stress-free and productive new year.

 

With that said, dear OP, I'm sure your struggle is real, painful, and the "shoulda, coulda, wouldas" are bouncing around in your heart...

 

But, you are grown, and this is middle school stuff. You are not a yo-yo, a toy to be played with whenever the mood strikes. So, want more for yourself. Mourn the end of this relationship, and resolve to want more for yourself in 2016.

 

NC is your mantra, tattoo it on your wrist if you have to.

 

You're putting yourself through a lot of anguish. You know what the affair game is all about. He is someone else's spouse. By its definition, this is a relationship of crumbs for you. If by chance, it was more, he would have made that move to be with you a long time ago. Goodyblue's situation is a prime example.

 

You have wasted prime years of your life on someone who had no intentions to be with you in an authentic way. And if by chance, after doing the washy-washy dance for a while, and after NC, your MM decides he wants to be with you, past stories tell that it would still be a washy- washy dance that would cause you further angst, and no future.

 

MM has given you the best holiday gift of all. An out of a situation that was not good for you. So, make this your best year ever. Go boldly into your new future, take one day at a time. Chant that mantra of NC, until the urge fades. One day you'll realize it takes less effort to keep the NC, and then, one day, you'll realize you haven't thought of him at all.

 

It will take time, but you can do it. Distractions help; friends, hobbies, new projects at work, chocolate and new shoes, the list is endless.

 

You can do it.

[ladydesigner]

You'll have your chance to turn him down again.

 

 

He'll come sniffing around

 

So, when he comes sniffing around, turn him down. Tell him he's not worth your time and you've moved on to much better things (and pretty much anything IS better than this dead end, so you won't be lying).

 

You'll eventually get your chance to be the one to turn him down. You'll see.

 

 

This^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

Although NC is the best for YOU!

Edited January 15, 2016 by ladydesigner

[LivingWaterPlease]

ten characters

Edited January 15, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[lemondrop21]

Force, it's not a pathetic feeling. I just had a very similar thing happen to me. I started the ending process on Wednesday and on Thursday he was the one who actually finished the job and ended it. I have these feelings of "ohmygod what if he never actually tries to come back... This will be humiliating..." Why? It's all a power and ego thing. I had wanted something to change even if that meant him recommitting to his marriage. He made that decision before I had spelled it out that way. Now I'm bitter. Normal human emotion, we just gotta work through it.

[LAGirl65]

I understand exactly how you feel.

 

IF he wants to leave his wife, he will. Then he can come look you up. If you are free, then great, you can discuss a future together.

 

He has not done so, that means you play second fiddle.

 

If he thinks that he won't leave with wife except "for you" then he's using her and he's using you. Is that someone you respect? Do you want that treatment from him later when you are the wife?

 

People do what they want. You cannot "make" people do things.

 

He is doing what he wants. You need to take care of yourself. and stick to your plan.

[Forceawakensme]

Force, it's not a pathetic feeling. I just had a very similar thing happen to me. I started the ending process on Wednesday and on Thursday he was the one who actually finished the job and ended it. I have these feelings of "ohmygod what if he never actually tries to come back... This will be humiliating..." Why? It's all a power and ego thing. I had wanted something to change even if that meant him recommitting to his marriage. He made that decision before I had spelled it out that way. Now I'm bitter. Normal human emotion, we just gotta work through it.

 

Lemondrop -- I just read your thread and wow, our MMs sound so very similar. Mine also 'noticed' me when he wasn't even on my radar. This blue me away and had me feeling so special.

 

In terms of actions though, once we started.. mine wouldn't really devote much time to me.. Particularly when it comes to holding back and 'family time' etc. When he was with his family he'd occasionally write and say he missed me but generally he'd just go away on vacations etc and i wouldn't hear from him, same as holidays. He was.being overall fairly honest about the fact he cant promise anything YET at the same time dropping/ sharing such intense feelings... its difficult to just walk away and accept..

 

Right after i tried to break up with him (before he broke up with me) was when he really laid out the 'lets be together plan'..

 

I noticed you said that its difficult to hear the intensity of his feelings in the same breath as breaking up -- This is my feeling to a tee. Now that i know how he truly feels -- All those times i was mad at him for being distant and thinking he was just ignoring/forgetting about me -- he admitted to being torn and in turmoil over the fact he couldn't ignore his feelings for me -- but THEN to just end it after him telling me this information -- So hard.

 

Another similarity is mine didn't contact me over Christmas too with very similar 'family was all around' excuse. I went NC right after Christmas because of this, deleting the email account we shared --this had him pursing me stronger than ever.. to which i gave in and thats when he told me his feelings AND broke up right after.

 

I also cant cry for some reason... I dont know why? Are we still in shock and think that its not truly over? -- I feel like i need to cry but its just not coming....

 

Mine still hasn't been in touch. Im hurt but trying to move on.. little by little.

Edited January 17, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[MidnightBlue1980]

Force, I want to set your mind at ease that even if you had been the one to end it, it doesn't mean you would feel good. You didn't lose anything. I had an A with a MM for 5 months (I am M) and my husband knew and asked me to end it. I loved my MM and he told me he loved me for 3 years. I left my home and called him and asked him, will you leave her? He said no, he wanted to keep his marriage and have a relationship with me on the side. So I said it was over. I saw him two days later and we had the same conversation. That night he told his wife but he told her a pack of lies, I seduced him, etc. She called my husband who set her straight. But so from that 2nd time I told him it was over if he was going to stay married, he completely cut off from me. He broke every promise to me. He knew the pain I was going through but he treated me without a shred of human kindness. I finally saw him 2 weeks after his D day and he ignored me. A week later I saw him and he said, I promised I would not talk to you. But he does talk to me and email me, he has already broken his promise to his wife. We see each other for a business reason once a week and it is brutal for me. He seems unaffected. I'm 3.5 weeks in basic NC besides business contact. It does get better. I wanted to die the first two weeks.

 

But my point is, even though I ended it, the fact that he really showed no emotion and was like, okay, I still feel like crap. It still hurts. Even though I technically ended it, he was still just using me for s*x. So I really don't feel any sense of power. People think he will be back as they do not have s*x and he finally had it with me after 3 years of abstinence. Now my husband told his wife on the phone that she could not just not have s*x, that now her husband was in his backyard, so maybe they are back on and he will not be back. I am done with him but it hurts and I still love him.

 

You are not alone.

[S2B]

Don't look backwards.

 

Start searching for a man who makes only you his top priority.

 

This guy will never be capable of giving you what you need. It's like settling for a potato when you want a steak!

 

He can't give you what you deserve... So never go backwards - only forward knowing you deserve so much more.

[Forceawakensme]

Have been too ashamed to post here after all the amazing advice i received but earlier today i broke NC.

 

I signed up for a new gmail account and emaild his work with this:

 

- I miss my friend:( ... Feel like we're throwing baby out w bathwater. Do i ever get that back or do i grieve that too?

 

His response, hours later.

 

No, Never.

This sucks, Trying to be strong but not having much luck..

 

I feel guilty for messaging him when i know he needs me to stay away. Completely selfish of me. Ive been suffering a lot too though.. -- and with his response id be lying if i didnt say im tempted to write back a ':-( " face or somehing to let him know im also in pain.

 

His saying "no never" to being friends hurts though of course.. but what do i expect..(yes, i know damn well we cant be legit friends.. obviously i was hoping for it to go back to how it was. ie sexual).

 

I havn't responded though -- IM writing here instead.

 

Thanks for listening. Im such a cautionary tale to not go down this road..

[gettingstronger]

He was kind yet direct- do not read anything else in to it-

[Popsicle]

It's okay, many of us have caved during the initial attempts at NC. I know I have. All I learned is that nothing's different and NC really is for the best. He is right, you can not be friends. He was kind, take it and be thankful. Please do not push this further so that he has to say or do something more hurtful. He already knows your in pain. He said he was struggling too and is trying to do the right thing for you both. Help him and stay NC.

[privategal]

His reply is cryptic...I read different...no never meaning no we never have to grieve not being friends cause he feels you are.

That's the trouble is you now have to analyze.

I did the friends thing with xeap...trust me to dial back hurts WAY WAAYYY WORSE.

[Forceawakensme]

He was kind yet direct- do not read anything else in to it-

 

 

See, thats why its so difficult to see the forest from the trees when you're in this as i found it the opposite of direct.

 

I thought the No never part was direct. Then the rest about not having any luck being strong was not direct.

 

" No, Never.This sucks, Trying to be strong but not having much luck. ".

 

In any case.. i know what i need to do here.

[Forceawakensme]

His reply is cryptic...I read different...no never meaning no we never have to grieve not being friends cause he feels you are.

That's the trouble is you now have to analyze.

I did the friends thing with xeap...trust me to dial back hurts WAY WAAYYY WORSE.

 

You're right -- i didn't even think that he could mean, no you dont have to grieve.

 

Ugh -- You're also right that now comes the analyzing.

 

I know its going to hurt more and more -- Im a glutton for punishment to keep on with this. I never knew i was so weak. A true addict.

 

Thanks PG.. and everyone who posted.

[Popsicle]

I don't know, I kind of think he will write to you again. He sounds weak. Not sure when But I still think you shouldn't say anything back to this last email. Whatever happens this is the beginning of the end.

[privategal]

I think its the end too. Hes done but struggling. And you haven't released hope.

[RySant]

 

No, Never.

This sucks, Trying to be strong but not having much luck..

 

 

If I was the betrayed spouse, and I see this response from my partner, I would do some serious talk with him.

 

And no matter how much it hurts, I will ask him again if what he/she truly wants. And free him. I am sorry but I just feel like he wants to be with Privategal but is stuck to where he is. I have so much pride in myself to accept that my spouse is just with me because he has no choice. I want someone to stay with me because they want it, not forced to it.

 

PrivateGal: I am sorry to hear this, but whatever he feels or thinks, he already made his choice. Best for you to move on and this time, find someone who will PRIORITIZE you over anything. I know you love this MM but it would be much much better if you love someone who will choose you as his priority option. I am not being a b*tchy here or something but take this experience as a lesson NOT TO engage with married guys. It's better to be alone then find someone who can be yours than have someone to ease your pain but will leave a much hollow space in your chest afterwards.

[lemondrop21]

One thought that might help you right now is this: if you push too much, he's going to feel he has to "man up" and go NC on you. Then you're gonna feel 100 times worse because he took away all control.

 

YOU have the power to resume NC with him right now, so not another word for the time being. I bet he comes back around eventually. In the meantime, use the time to assess whether you really want to go back to just sex.

[Gloria_Smellons]

Have been too ashamed to post here after all the amazing advice i received but earlier today i broke NC.

 

I signed up for a new gmail account and emaild his work with this:

 

- I miss my friend:( ... Feel like we're throwing baby out w bathwater. Do i ever get that back or do i grieve that too?

 

Force, please try to look at this differently.

 

You didn't lose your friend when the affair ended.. you lost your friend when you entered the affair. You cannot go back, so the only options are to stay stuck where you are, or move forward.

 

Don't be ashamed for being human and making a mistake - it takes strength to admit you made a slight boob... I always liken it to being on a diet.. Okay, so you've messed up and had an eclair, but you can either decide that's worth giving up completely and stuffing yourself with pastries, or try figure out what triggered the slip up and vow to do better.

 

You can do this and you will be better off in the long run.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Listen- this happens to the best of us. We're hurting and we want the object of our hurt to make us feel better. Only they can't. I would take this as a final goodbye- but knowing that he's hurting as you are should be of some comfort.

 

I bought a card years ago in college that says on the outside, 'I miss you'. And on the inside, 'but I'm miserable because of you'. I've had other situations that this card could have been used for but this seems the most fitting.

 

So sorry you're hurting. Sending you hugs.

[Forceawakensme]

Thank you all so much... your support is priceless. It strengthens the voice inside of me that says.. 'enough with this madness'. Stop it here.. on a 'good' note. I wont send him another word.

 

Cant thank you all enough.