Screwed up...what do I do?

[Radarsat]

Hey,

 

So I've been seeing this girl since beginning of December. Things have been going pretty well.

 

Other threads related to this girl:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/564844-dating-kids-picture

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/564373-weird-situation-i-think

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/563227-oral-sex-climax-issue

 

So, I screwed up I think. I have anxiety and insecurity issues. We were planning on going away for a couples weekend somewhere nice. When it came to scheduling around my kids/job she seemed really appreciative (all through texting) and then suddenly she went cold and said she didn't want to go if it was goign to be a hassle (which it wasn't at all)....then said I'd rather just forget it and maybe we can do it another time. I said I understood. But also told her that her schedule was just as improtant and my ex was very flexible with that as well (ex knows that her days off are Sunday-Monday vs. Sat-Sun for us). But she still wanted to just cancel. I said ok.

 

Next day:

Fewer texts than normal, but still texts me in the morning first...

 

Then later in the day:

"So, I hate to do this but I think I'm going to have to cancel tonight. _____(friend's name - girl) just texted saying she is having some drama and asked if she could come over again to talk...:("

Me: "That's fine. I get it _____. (her name) Hope she's ok."

Me: "You have my schedule..maybe we can see each other next week. If not, I totally understand. Have fun. :)"

Her: "I know. I'm really sorry. :("

Me: "Don't be. I've been too much I know. It's all good ____(her name)...really it is."

Me: "So sorry for pushing things".

Her: "This isn't about you."

Her: "And to be honest the fact that you're making it about you does kind of annoy me. :("

Me: "Okay, noted. I apologize. Just my own insecurities, which is highly unattractive I fully realize. All I can say is I am sorry and I'll do my utmost to stop the behaviour :("

Me: "You don't need that crap...really am sorry. These are my issues and I will address them."

Her: "Sorry I was bitchy. : ("

Her: "You don't deserve that"

Me: "Umm...no don't be. I'm sitting here realizing I've done what all my close friends and counselor have said I do, which is making it about me. You had every right to complain. I am so sorry. If anything is going to push you away, it's this ****ty attitude of mine. I hope you can forgive me."

Me: "All you said was it annoyed you. And it was annoying. I did deserve it. You were only honest."

 

4 hours later or so:

Me: "I know you're still working, but I'll leave you alone after this last text for the night, so that you can enjoy your friends company...I'm really, sincerely sorry for being such a dick today. I hope you have a good night."

 

Hour and 20 min later:

Her: Thank you _____. (my name) You have a good night too."

 

This morning at 10:30 AM (ET)

Me: Good morning : )

 

Haven't heard from her today.

 

Guess my question is....is it done? Have I ****ed myself? Do I need to do anything? Or just move on?

[Toodaloo]

You said sorry a million times and kept saying it...

 

Why not just cut to the chase and get to the point every now and then?

 

You want to go away for the weekend. These are the weekends you can do. Those are the weekends she can do.

 

Find a match in there and book it.

 

All that rambling.

 

At this point do not send anything else. Just wait it out.

[soph-walker]

I would say take a step back and don't project your thoughts onto her.

 

It sounds as though you're letting your thoughts do the talking. Keep some things for yourself.

 

It doesn't mean you have to play it cool or get into games, just take a breather before you feel yourself texting 'sorry' or whatever.

[d0nnivain]

You need to stop texting & try talking. OMG. You absolutely cannot communicate with somebody you are romantically involved with via text. So don't even try.

 

 

Send her a bouquet of flowers just for the heck of it & stop apologizing. Talk on the phone. Pick a weekend & schedule it. . . .all but book & pay for it. Come back to her & say on the phone or in person but not via text or e-mail, hey we'd been talking about going away, just the two of us. How do you feel about Lover's Cove next month? It's all set as soon as you say yes.

[PegNosePete]

She blew you off for some girl who was having "drama". And wants to come over "again" to talk. Unless it's totally drastic drama that would be a big issue for me. Why can't she simply tell her friend "Sorry can't make tonight I have plans with ____, can we make it tomorrow instead"?

 

Seems she's not that into you if she blows you off so easily. And seems like it won't be the first, or the last.

 

But yeah, stop the insecurity. It annoys her, that you're making her flakiness, about you...?

[sin miedo]

Cut it out with the excessive apologies - it makes you look weak.

 

A sincere apology is necessary when something goes awry, but I typically try to talk things out first. If an apology is appropriate, then say it and try to move on.

 

Words mean little - action is everything.

[Mrin]

Whoa Nelly! You're doling out apologies like candy. Honestly, they make you seem weak, self absorbed and without meaning (the apologies). You're also pestering her with some of this stuff.

 

Look at the transcript. Your initial message every single time is almost the right message. It is the follow up where the s*** show begins.

[Radarsat]

Okay, I hear you all. But do I cut off contact until I hear from her then? We've never chatted on the phone. Do I try to call her tonight?

[Toodaloo]

Okay, I hear you all. But do I cut off contact until I hear from her then? We've never chatted on the phone. Do I try to call her tonight?

 

Nope leave her be tonight. She is dealing with friend drama and a bit of space will not harm this situation.

 

But every text you send write it, put the phone down for 5 minutes and do something else, read what you wrote then amend and send.

 

Phone call tomorrow evening if you have no heard from her. During that phone call DO NOT APOLOGISE. Not even once. Keep it light, keep it about her. Make the date. No wishy washy. You make the date i.e. so Thursday I want to take you out to see X movie as I thought you might like it. Be specific. Stop leaving it to her. Take command.

[Radarsat]

So she texted me back:

 

Her: "Morning. How is your day going?"

 

Me: "Not too bad. Brrr, pretty cold this morning though. How was your night with _____? (friend's name)".

 

Nothing back. Maybe she was just being polite. Or maybe she is just busy. I'm afraid to say anything about yesterday again, and you guys have been pretty clear not to say anything more.

 

Also, I have taken the lead on many things we've done. I'm actually trying to step back and let her lead more as I've been too pushy.

[d0nnivain]

What part of Stop texting are you missing? Talk to this woman & half your problems will disappear.

[Radarsat]

What part of Stop texting are you missing? Talk to this woman & half your problems will disappear.

 

I appreciate everyones help on here I really do, but d0nnivain, please look at the original transcript I posted on original post and I'll await your response.

[Radarsat]

I appreciate everyones help on here I really do, but d0nnivain, please look at the original transcript I posted on original post and I'll await your response.

 

My point was in case you care was that I had already said "Good morning" to her in the original post. She had replied. I'm not goign to ignore her reply when she says "How's your day going?"

 

Regardless, this is how the rest of yesterday went from there...

 

Her: "Morning. How is your day going?"

Me: "Not too bad. Brrr, pretty cold this morning though. How was your night last night?

Her: It's freezing! My night was good. How was yours?

Me: That's good! Mine was ok. Laundry and talked to my mom on the phone for a bit. You having a good day?"

Later on that day...

Her: "So far it's good thanks. How's yours going"

Me: "Pretty good. The day has flown by. I'm due for a winter jacket so I'm going to head to the mall".

Her: "Nice! Enjoy!"

Me: "Thanks. You're headed up north tonight right?"

Her: "Acutally, I'm out to dinner and a movie with my other friend ____. (another girlfriend) Close though."

Me: "That's right. Sorry. THought for some reason she was up north. Well, have a great time! : ) Thought of you a lot today."

 

That last text was around 4 pm yesterday. I haven't heard from her since. No good night text and no good morning text either.

 

Is it safe to say that she is done with me?

[PegNosePete]

Me: "Sorry."

 

Is it safe to say that she is done with me?

It's safe to say you've apologised yet again which is exactly what she, and we, told you NOT to do.

 

Wait for her reply. If none comes in 48 hours, safe to say it's over.

[HereNorThere]

The real question is - are you SORRY?

 

Look man, your game just comes off as insecure and needy. Yeah, it's safe to assume she just being nice at this point instead of just dropping you on your head. Don't worry, since you aren't getting the hint she will eventually just have to cut you off.

 

If you haven't noticed by now, people obsess over things they can't have or have to work for. You made yourself too available and it was no longer fun. You sucked all the mystery out the dating game and handed over your power way too early.

 

Next time, relax and the Universe unfold. You are constantly texting and analyzing as means of control because you have anxious attachment issues. There is no way someone is going to be able live under the pressure of your insecurity. The texting isn't going to be reassuring at all. You need to learn how to self-soothe and quit looking for others to validate you. To get a girl you need to be willing to lose a girl and you are not.

 

And take sorry out of your vocabulary. Unless you accidentally run over a girls cat, you aren't sorry. You are apologizing for being human and that's not cool at all. Girls can smell weakness from a mile away and you reek.

 

OP, I too suffer from an anxiety disorder so I can relate. I made this same mistake with women when I was younger and I regret it. I regret the missed opportunities but I mostly regret making women feel the way you do. The difference is that I went out and sought help from a therapist. Now that I have that anxiety under control, I can put my true self forward. I advise you to do the same. When you conquer your mental health issues (anxiety disorder, OCD, etc) you will ultimately be more attractive to women.

[Radarsat]

It's safe to say you've apologised yet again which is exactly what she, and we, told you NOT to do.

 

Wait for her reply. If none comes in 48 hours, safe to say it's over.

 

Fair enough. I get it. I'm really bad at this. Like really bad. But just one question, where did she tell me to stop saying sorry? I'm not being funny, obviously you mean subtly, but I'm not sure where she did that.

[Radarsat]

The real question is - are you SORRY?

 

Look man, your game just comes off as insecure and needy. Yeah, it's safe to assume she just being nice at this point instead of just dropping you on your head. Don't worry, since you aren't getting the hint she will eventually just have to cut you off.

 

If you haven't noticed by now, people obsess over things they can't have or have to work for. You made yourself too available and it was no longer fun. You sucked all the mystery out the dating game and handed over your power way too early.

 

Next time, relax and the Universe unfold. You are constantly texting and analyzing as means of control because you have anxious attachment issues. There is no way someone is going to be able live under the pressure of your insecurity. The texting isn't going to be reassuring at all. You need to learn how to self-soothe and quit looking for others to validate you. To get a girl you need to be willing to lose a girl and you are not.

 

And take sorry out of your vocabulary. Unless you accidentally run over a girls cat, you aren't sorry. You are apologizing for being human and that's not cool at all. Girls can smell weakness from a mile away and you reek.

 

OP, I too suffer from an anxiety disorder so I can relate. I made this same mistake with women when I was younger and I regret it. I regret the missed opportunities but I mostly regret making women feel the way you do. The difference is that I went out and sought help from a therapist. Now that I have that anxiety under control, I can put my true self forward. I advise you to do the same. When you conquer your mental health issues (anxiety disorder, OCD, etc) you will ultimately be more attractive to women.

 

I really AM sorry, but I also completely get what your saying. By saying sorry so much, it loses it's meaning and I look pathetic. I have seen a therapist. It's been a couple months so I think I need to go back and talk about my anxiety. You're right. Thank you.

[HereNorThere]

Besides seeing a therapist, I think you could also benefit from reading from some self help books. There's a bunch of great ones out there on building confidence, dating, etc. Be careful not to venture too far into the "manosphere" a.k.a. bitter, unsuccessful pickup artist, but there a lot of books on dating strategy you could benefit from. I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to post specific products or books on the thread, but if you want to p.m. me, I would come up with a list of books, links and some YouTube videos that could help you.

 

The real trick is this - You're obviously an obsessive person and that's okay. Obsessive people are the reason we know how gravity works. Obsessive people are passionate lovers and make great partners in the right context. You need to learn how to turn your obsession into being a being better person. Every single thing you do that makes you a better, more secure person will also make you more attractive to females.

 

Work on yourself and the girls will come, I promise.

[Radarsat]

Besides seeing a therapist, I think you could also benefit from reading from some self help books. There's a bunch of great ones out there on building confidence, dating, etc. Be careful not to venture too far into the "manosphere" a.k.a. bitter, unsuccessful pickup artist, but there a lot of books on dating strategy you could benefit from. I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to post specific products or books on the thread, but if you want to p.m. me, I would come up with a list of books, links and some YouTube videos that could help you.

 

The real trick is this - You're obviously an obsessive person and that's okay. Obsessive people are the reason we know how gravity works. Obsessive people are passionate lovers and make great partners in the right context. You need to learn how to turn your obsession into being a being better person. Every single thing you do that makes you a better, more secure person will also make you more attractive to females.

 

Work on yourself and the girls will come, I promise.

 

I'm messaging you right now. Thank you man. This really resonates with me for whatever reason.

[HereNorThere]

I really AM sorry, but I also completely get what your saying. By saying sorry so much, it loses it's meaning and I look pathetic. I have seen a therapist. It's been a couple months so I think I need to go back and talk about my anxiety. You're right. Thank you.

 

If you do truly violate the rights or space of another person and need to apologize, by all means, be a man and apologize. The difference is that you just keep apologizing over and over and over. What did you think that would accomplish? Don't you think that by constantly apologizing you are diminishing the apology the in the first place? You're apologizing for not being worthy of her presence in your life. You'll be a life long doormat nice guy™ if you keep that nonsense up.

 

At that point you are no longer apologizing; you are looking for reassurance that she isn't going to dump your ass. There are no guarantees in the dating world and you can't sit there spinning the wheels looking for reassurance from people. When you feel this need for reassurance, you need to learn to handle it yourself. The next time you feel this insecurity, find a mirror, look into it and say "I know I am perfectly capable of handling whatever situation life throws at me. I will always be okay because I have trust in myself. I do not need the approval of others to feel secure" or some other silly self affirmation to remind you that your emotions are not matching up with your logical self. You need to practice this positive, healthy self talk as much as possible. Fight those insecure feelings with the power of that big over-analytical brain of yours. You can do it, but you have to force it first. Fake it to you make and eventually it becomes your reality.

Edited January 14, 2016 by HereNorThere

[MightyQuinn]

At that point you are no longer apologizing; you are looking for reassurance that she isn't going to dump your ass. There are no guarantees in the dating world and you can't sit there spinning the wheels looking for reassurance from people. When you feel this need for reassurance, you need to learn to handle it yourself. The next time you feel this insecurity, find a mirror, look into it and say "I know I am perfectly capable of handling whatever situation life throws at me. I will always be okay because I have trust in myself. I do not need the approval of others to feel secure" or some other silly self affirmation to remind you that your emotions are not matching up with your logical self. You need to practice this positive, healthy self talk as much as possible. Fight those insecure feelings with the power of that big over-analytical brain of yours. You can do it, but you have to force it first. Fake it to you make and eventually it becomes your reality.

 

I can totally identify with the insecurity you're feeling, Radarsat. I've struggled with anxiety myself. HereNorThere has some good advice here about "self talk" to try to rein yourself in. I'd also like to jump in with some things that have helped me, and prevented me from pestering my New Guy the same way that you've been pestering your Gal.

 

The next best thing to the "self-talk" is to distract yourself with something else. Reading a book, watching a movie, playing video games, cleaning your house, putting in extra hours on a project at work. Get yourself "out of your head" for a while. You will most likely feel a bit better afterwards, because you were able to interrupt your overthinking. Sometimes just derailing the thought train you were on can be enough to bring you back from the brink.

 

I also come here and write messages asking other people for advice, just like you have here. Of course, you get a mixed bag of responses, obviously people here don't know exactly what you're going through or what you're experiencing in your relationship, because they only know what you share here. Also, I know from experience that some people will judge you harshly because they don't understand what it's like having anxiety while being in a relationship - it can take a lot of work to not be clingy or needy. But most of the people really want to help, and the advice can get you to think of things in a different way.

 

Also, if you're here typing and reading, your fingers are too busy to be texting your Gal and annoying her, or making her feel like you're too insecure for her.

 

Good luck!

[MidwestUSA]

Hey radar!

 

It's mid January. Is this girl gearing up for her big event? She may have a lot on her mind, she may be hormonal. I don't know a lot about IVF, but do they give drugs to help things 'take'? I can see why she may be backing off; I'd do the same if the single most important thing in my life was just ahead of me.

 

Agree with nixing the apologies. Yikes.

[Radarsat]

Hey radar!

 

It's mid January. Is this girl gearing up for her big event? She may have a lot on her mind, she may be hormonal. I don't know a lot about IVF, but do they give drugs to help things 'take'? I can see why she may be backing off; I'd do the same if the single most important thing in my life was just ahead of me.

 

Agree with nixing the apologies. Yikes.

 

You may be right! She is preparing for that in like probably a week or two yes. And I would imagine yeah she has taken something. Not sure though.

 

Here's the thing. Yesterday she agreed to meet with me today. She suggested coffee at "4ish". I said great. But I then suggested to her why not dinner at my place and she said "Sorry! I have another friend coming over and I'm doing her hair and then making some dinner for us".

 

Should I just cancel the coffee meet with her and go no contact? Is it done? Part of me thinks I should meet with her though and just ask her straight up, "Do we have some future dates together or would you rather part ways at this point?" But is that bad? I'm so bad at this. I want to see her still. but I dont' know what to say if I do see her. I'm assuming I don't dare apologize again for being a prior dick, but then again, this is the first time I've seen her since I did the stupid text. What should I say to her? Argh.

[No_Go]

Meet her today for coffee - even if it is for your own sanity. You haven't done anything wrong here besides being insecure. Be yourself, don't apologize, just before you leave - ask he for a set time for next date ('I want to take you to see/visit xxx at xxx on xxx'). If she says she's not sure, busy and do not offer an alternative set time, you know the answer.

 

 

My honest impression is that she's just not interested at all but too weak to say it directly. You are just one month in dating and she's prioritizing her GFs in front of you - is that the treatment that you think you deserve? Being blown away after making plans? Even if it is just a FWB arrangement, it is so rude and disrespectful.

 

 

Also, her very detailed 'explanation' about her GF 'drama' makes me think she's bs-ing you and trying to transfer the guilt... What is the relationship history of this woman? It can tell you some things...

 

 

You may be right! She is preparing for that in like probably a week or two yes. And I would imagine yeah she has taken something. Not sure though.

 

Here's the thing. Yesterday she agreed to meet with me today. She suggested coffee at "4ish". I said great. But I then suggested to her why not dinner at my place and she said "Sorry! I have another friend coming over and I'm doing her hair and then making some dinner for us".

 

Should I just cancel the coffee meet with her and go no contact? Is it done? Part of me thinks I should meet with her though and just ask her straight up, "Do we have some future dates together or would you rather part ways at this point?" But is that bad? I'm so bad at this. I want to see her still. but I dont' know what to say if I do see her. I'm assuming I don't dare apologize again for being a prior dick, but then again, this is the first time I've seen her since I did the stupid text. What should I say to her? Argh.

[Radarsat]

Meet her today for coffee - even if it is for your own sanity. You haven't done anything wrong here besides being insecure. Be yourself, don't apologize, just before you leave - ask he for a set time for next date ('I want to take you to see/visit xxx at xxx on xxx'). If she says she's not sure, busy and do not offer an alternative set time, you know the answer.

 

 

My honest impression is that she's just not interested at all but too weak to say it directly. You are just one month in dating and she's prioritizing her GFs in front of you - is that the treatment that you think you deserve? Being blown away after making plans? Even if it is just a FWB arrangement, it is so rude and disrespectful.

 

 

Also, her very detailed 'explanation' about her GF 'drama' makes me think she's bs-ing you and trying to transfer the guilt... What is the relationship history of this woman? It can tell you some things...

 

The longest relationship she has been in is two years. And that guy died of cancer. She told me originally that yes, originally she wasn't looking for a relationship, but now that she has met me she is not opposed to one. But she wanted to take things light for now and see where it goes, but she wanted me to know that her feelings were already pretty deep for me. This was about a week ago.

Edited January 15, 2016 by Radarsat
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