Dating with kids in the picture

[Radarsat]

Good afternoon everyone.

 

Okay, got a new question for you all...

 

So, things are going pretty well with the girl I'm seeing. It's still very fresh of course. Heck, my separattion is technically still fresh (August). But none the less, things are going well and we both seem to really enjoy each others company.

 

My question is, given the fact that I have a 7 year old girl and and a 4 year old boy...when would it be okay for me to have the girl I'm dating over to hang out? I would only do it at this stage when the kids have been put to sleep and at this point, having her stay overnight would not be an option. Not yet anyway. I at least know that would be a mistake given it's only been a month dating her.

 

But would it be okay for her to come over and watch a movie/tv on the couch? Yes, the kids could possibly wake up (very rare and usually more in the middle of the night), but just wondering what you all think.

 

I did mention this idea to her a couple of weeks ago and she said that would be okay with her. It's just that we've been hanging at her house more often because she loves to cook! lol.

[lilmissjava]

I think it would be a little premature to have your kids accidentally come across the woman you are seeing.

 

What if it didn't work out and you start dating another. It would be more than confusing to the kids, and they would be my first priority.

 

The kids are old enough now to tell the stories of how dad had some lady at his house etcetera and so forth.

 

I would wait until you are both comfortable with each other and have been together long enough to know that short-term dating phase has passed.

 

No one needs the dramatics that could very well come out of that.

[Gaeta]

I recommend that you introduce this lady outside of your home first. Your home being a safe place for your young aged children. I would also recommend it be done during the day maybe outside in a park.

 

It's not a good idea to invite your gf to watch a movie at night and then one of your children wakes up and is faced by a complete stranger in their 'safe place'.

 

I suggest you take your kids to the park or swimming pool, or whatever, then your girlfriend be there and you interact with her as if she was just an acquaintance. Then after a few time of this you ask the kids: hey kids, you know that nice lady from the swimming pool about we all go see 'the secret life of pets' together!

[TheArtist]

I don't think there's a big problem with that, but I would try to have her meet them outside of the house a couple of times first. Remember that, especially at such a young age, the house is their safety zone and it wouldn't be great to let a stranger into there, especially in secret. What if one gets up and sees her? At four years old that could make him uneasy.

 

I'd go on a few dates with them first, maybe to the playground or the beach, just so that they can be comfortable around her. Keep it short and let them go and play.

[TheArtist]

OK Gaeta types faster than I do. Same message though.

[kendahke]

I think that you should wait until your divorce is final before bringing any new woman into their home with them there. Also, your soon to be ex might throw monkey wrenches into the divorce gears over it. She may not like the idea of you bringing new girlfriends around her children in their home.

 

Meeting at a park or whatever---if you must, but I still think it's too soon for children that young. If they were both 10 years old, perhaps.

 

I think that you underestimate how adaptable your children might be to someone new playing the significant other role to you in their lives. It's confusing for adults--it's damn sure confusing to children. They're too young to process this and it's too soon since you say you separated in August to be bringing her around them.

[TheArtist]

Oh, I didn't notice that bit about having been separated as recently as August. Yeah, I'd wait until your divorce is final before taking it any further, it's not an easy thing to go through anyway so imagine what the kids are going to be thinking.

[Radarsat]

Thanks for advice everyone. It does make sense. I'm not sure if I can wait to introduce them to her until divorce is final though. That could take up to a year where I'm located (ontario, Canada). Unless you consider "legal separation" the same thing.

 

However, I will perhaps think more seriously about it and only introduce her to them in a neutral area. Great points and again, thanks everyone. This site has been very helpful to me in my life. Thank you!

[BettyDraper]

Thanks for advice everyone. It does make sense. I'm not sure if I can wait to introduce them to her until divorce is final though. That could take up to a year where I'm located (ontario, Canada). Unless you consider "legal separation" the same thing.

 

However, I will perhaps think more seriously about it and only introduce her to them in a neutral area. Great points and again, thanks everyone. This site has been very helpful to me in my life. Thank you!

 

I think it is very soon for you to be dating in the first place. You just ended a marriage...why the need to jump into the dating scene so quickly again? It could be helpful to take some time for yourself to reflect on why your marriage was not successful, rather than going on the rebound and dating a new woman right away. It sounds like you're someone who can't be alone. I don't understand why you can't wait a year to introduce your children to another woman who will be in their lives.

 

Now you're talking about introducing this woman to your kids and having her in your home. You need to slow down and refrain from mixing your kids with your dating life. They have just seen their parents break up and that is going to take a long time to heal from.

I don't think partners should be meeting kids unless the parent knows the relationship is serious.

[Blanco]

It's good that you're at least pondering how to approach this rather than diving in and just assuming your kids will adapt easily.

 

Something to keep in mind is the sense of loss children feel during a divorce. Just think how confusing and painful divorce is for most adults who go through it. Children have less knowledge about what's happening and virtually no control over what's happening, even though their lives are significantly impacted by these events.

 

This is a confusing time for the children, and while kids are known to be resilient, it doesn't mean that the adaptation comes without any struggle. Every frame of reference they've had for life is in the process of changing. They don't remember a time other than all of you as a family unit. Breaking apart this bond is tough enough, and that's without factoring in the addition of new partners.

 

Even if it's not true, your kids might be feeling like they're losing their parents. Bringing in a new partner usually doesn't help quiet those feelings. If done too soon, they might come to believe that the new girlfriend is the reason why mom and dad aren't together anymore and their family has been forever altered.

 

This doesn't even get into the issue of you dating so relatively soon after filing. If you must date, it's probably best for all involved to keep it entirely separate from your children for a while until you have plenty of proof that this relationship has some substance for something more than a post-divorce rebound.

[kendahke]

If they were both 10 years old, perhaps.

 

that should have said "10 years older"

[kendahke]

I'm not sure if I can wait to introduce them to her until divorce is final though. That could take up to a year where I'm located (ontario, Canada).

 

This is called "taking one for the team".

 

Right now, your focus should be on the emotional wellbeing of your children, not your love life, as they attempt to navigate their way through the minefield that is your and your soon to be ex wife's divorce which they didn't know about, let alone create.

 

Dating the chick while your kids are with their mom isn't a problem. It's bringing her into their home 5 months after you and their mother broke up their home. She doesn't need to be brought around them until such a time that it is clear you are serious about getting back into a committed, exclusive relationship for a long, long time; quite frankly, having just separated in August, I can't see how you think you are emotionally ready to get back into full on relationship mode with all of its attending expectations with a new woman 5 months after leaving your marriage.

 

How long has this new woman been in your life? Was she around before August? Is she the reason why you're divorcing?

 

Unless you consider "legal separation" the same thing.

 

I don't. Only divorce and death qualify as means to end a legal marriage to free you to be with whomever you choose.

[Radarsat]

 

I don't. Only divorce and death qualify as means to end a legal marriage to free you to be with whomever you choose.

 

Are you suggesting that by dating someone right now (and my ex is too btw) that we are cheating on each other? I'm not offended if you are, I'm just curious. Laws are a bit different up here. If we could divorce tomorrow, we would.

[BettyDraper]

Are you suggesting that by dating someone right now (and my ex is too btw) that we are cheating on each other? I'm not offended if you are, I'm just curious. Laws are a bit different up here. If we could divorce tomorrow, we would.

 

Have you thought of why you feel the need to date so quickly? It just seems like you're on the rebound because you have a hard time being without a romantic partner. This is not healthy for you or the woman you are dating.

 

Your children's emotional well being is more important than your love life. They just saw their parents break up. They don't need to see you with someone else so soon.

[Snaggletooth]

I've been with my girlfriend for over a year. It's serious but I have still not met the kids in person. Her kids are both a year older than yours. They know me. Know me through the phone. As we have progressed I have called through hours they are awake and they have been allowed to answer. It's been arranged that way, As time went on they were slowly allowed to stop and chat. To start I was one of Mum's friends, same as any other. Then I became a very good friend. Slowly, as I called, I asked about their day and they chatted to me. Slowly they got to know me and like me. They are now looking forward to meeting me as one of Mums friends. The eldest now calls me off his own back to chat about footie and school and life. I am a friend to them. They want to meet me. When I first meet them it's going to be at a neutral place. A day out at the zoo, or something. They are not going to know me and their Mum are together until everything is concrete and set in stone. Even after a year, I'm still just a dude Mum knows. We want to make sure all of us get along great before they know I will be the man and father figure in their life.

 

We think we are doing very sensibly. The kids are going to be well aware of me before we meet. No surprises. They're both already nuts about me. I am now their friend, a trusted friend, as well as Mum's friend. We like how we have done it. My appearance in their lives is going to be at their request.

 

They really want a solid, reliable father figure and neither me or Mum wants to get their hopes up or hurt them. Also, the way we are doing things, even if something unforeseen happens and we don't work out, I can still be a friend the the kids and they will have lost nothing. That part is already separate from me and my girl. Whatever happens, I am there for those kids in the role they are currently aware of. A friend. That, I am committed to. I have no right to be talking an getting to know them to them if I wasn't committed to that.

 

One of the things I admire and respect most about my woman is how she has not let me meet her kids early. It is very reassuring (and sexy) that Mama Bear she is so protective and careful and want's to check me out and know me thoroughly before I am properly introduced. If she wasn't, I wouldn't be with her.

 

No advice. Just telling how we are doing it. Take what you will from it, old boy.

Edited January 8, 2016 by Snaggletooth

[kendahke]

Are you suggesting that by dating someone right now (and my ex is too btw) that we are cheating on each other? I'm not offended if you are, I'm just curious. Laws are a bit different up here. If we could divorce tomorrow, we would.

 

No. I'm saying that bringing a new woman around your children 5 months after you and their mother blew up everything they've built their consciousness around is the problem. No one said anything about cheating.

 

Divorcing tomorrow doesn't address the emotional minefield your babies have to traverse right now.

[smackie9]

I say wait. Your kids need to adjust to the idea of the separation first. And you should wait until you know for sure this will become a long time committed relationship before introducing them. I know of single moms that wait at least 6 months before introducing their kids to a new BF. There is nothing wrong with letting them know you are dating, but I feel it's way too early to expose them to the reality that their father is having affections for another woman other than their mother.

[Miss Peach]

I'm a single parent and have dating during those ages so I've done a bit of trial and error in this situation.

 

First, unless you have full custody or close to it I would just keep your dating life separate for while. You have enough free time to build a relationship IMO without much or any impact to your kids.

 

I recommend this for three reasons. One is the divorce is still fresh to the kids. The second is you need to build up a life independent of your kids or this woman. Assuming you are at 50/50 or less you should be able to keep all this from the kids for awhile. Third, anything the kids see at that age is going to go back to your XW. I'm not sure what your divorce is like but in most divorces it just adds fuel to a fire that doesn't need to be there.

 

Having said that, I am not one of those people who waits a year, etc. to introduce a child. I take my child to many of my kid-friendly events - BBQs at corworker's houses, to work, out with friends, etc. I naturally meet and introduce my child to the people I meet. None of them except for one I've been friends with for 5 years has formed any type of attachment. Kids are very able to respond to changes IME. I just don't go into details beyond what is needed to be known. At about the year mark, I'll probably start talking about a one guys being a BF and that that means to a kid. In my case my child is most scared of the idea of brothers or sisters (this came up with the XH moving in with his GF).

[Radarsat]

Have you thought of why you feel the need to date so quickly? It just seems like you're on the rebound because you have a hard time being without a romantic partner. This is not healthy for you or the woman you are dating.

 

Your children's emotional well being is more important than your love life. They just saw their parents break up. They don't need to see you with someone else so soon.

 

Look, I hate to admit it, but I have a feeling you are probably right. As much as I really like her, I do feel like maybe I'm afraid at being alone. I will give this more thought. I actually think this is where the girl I'm seeing is coming from when she says she is worried about getting in the way of my marriage.

 

I'm not saying I'm calling this off. But I will be much more casual about it and I certainly will not introduce the kids to her anytime soon.

[Miss Peach]

I know in my case, some guys have blended well with my current life and others haven't. One ghosted me because he realized he couldn't handle it when reality set in. That's why I am reluctant to introduce too late (usually when there is a strong emotional connection and the idea it's a special relationship is fine IME) but I'm also reluctant to do it before there is an emotional connection unless we meet at a kids function.

[Radarsat]

Sitting here right now in one of those "lows" and realizing many of you are right. I'm dating way too soon. Problem is, I like this girl and I've given her my heart basically and she's excited. I don't want to hurt her, and to be brutally honest, I enjoy the intimacy. Something completely lacking in my marriage. However, I'm realizing I'm still missing my ex a times and that isn't good. I have no idea why I miss her. We got in a huge argument tonight actually. But, for whatever reason I still have these moments of doubt as to why we are separated. My ex isn't having those moments. She says she's sad, but never says "I miss you" when I've said it to her.

 

OMG I'm messed up.

[Blanco]

Sitting here right now in one of those "lows" and realizing many of you are right. I'm dating way too soon. Problem is, I like this girl and I've given her my heart basically and she's excited. I don't want to hurt her, and to be brutally honest, I enjoy the intimacy. Something completely lacking in my marriage. However, I'm realizing I'm still missing my ex a times and that isn't good. I have no idea why I miss her. We got in a huge argument tonight actually. But, for whatever reason I still have these moments of doubt as to why we are separated. My ex isn't having those moments. She says she's sad, but never says "I miss you" when I've said it to her.

 

OMG I'm messed up.

 

First, I want to give you credit for even being honest with yourself about these feelings. Read enough threads here and you see it's not uncommon for people to feel like they still miss their ex at times long after the relationship is over, even if they know it being over is for the best. And these are usually "long-term" relationships of maybe 1 to 3 years. You were married to this woman. She gave you children. You two built a life and family together. You don't just disengage from all of that in a matter of months, even if the divorce is the best path.

 

A huge part of your identity for the last many years has been that of husband and father. Divorce has ripped away half of that and I'm sure that's discombobulating. In a sense, meeting someone new probably gives you a sense of familiarity and stability again that the divorce took from you.

 

At five months, you probably still have so much to process. You have no idea what the remainder of the divorce process will make you feel or if you'll even have the energy for a good relationship as these matters press on.

 

I think that's why so many suggest that if you get involved with someone during or shortly after divorce, it's best to keep things light and casual. Unfortunately, divorcing people are usually extremely vulnerable, so they aren't capable of these moderate actions when they finally meet someone that interests them. It's like finding the Pepsi machine in the middle of a desert.

 

Full disclosure: Someone in a spot similar to you (though with more than double of service time in the marriage) was a huge part of my last breakup and so I'm probably a bit biased toward the idea of divorcing or the recently divorced not jumping head on into full-blown relationships before they've had any real time to be completely single.

[BettyDraper]

Look, I hate to admit it, but I have a feeling you are probably right. As much as I really like her, I do feel like maybe I'm afraid at being alone. I will give this more thought. I actually think this is where the girl I'm seeing is coming from when she says she is worried about getting in the way of my marriage.

 

I'm not saying I'm calling this off. But I will be much more casual about it and I certainly will not introduce the kids to her anytime soon.

 

That's very big of you to admit that. When I was scared to be alone, I wouldn't be honest about it with anyone. Ironically, I met my husband when I stopped caring about being single.

 

Whether you end this relationship is up to you. It could be helpful to think about why you cannot be alone. I completely understand the need for comfort after a traumatic event such as a divorce.

[Cherryz]

You are separated? So that means you are still married.

Rigth?

 

So that means there is a chance you be back with their mom.

 

Either way i dont think its ok for the kids to wake up

and find daddy with some other woman.

Haven t they have to go true enough knowing that you are not with their mom?

 

I think you try to do whatever to satisfy your needs.

But forget about your kids.

You barely know this lady. What if she meets them and next day

it over and you meet a couple of more ladys that you think are more amazing?

 

Your kids should feel safe in their home. So bringing people around in and out

can give them unsafe feeling. Also you not know who this woman really is.

Just as little the kids are, thats little their hear it. And you can easily hurt them

if you dont put them first.

 

I think your needs not the most important now. But theirs.

 

If you wan to do this at least keep it away from your kids and

dont bring it home.

Kids would understand things in a certain way. And this is also why many adults

growing up hating their parents because of things they saw them doing.

Or get trust issues with the other sex.

For things like one they they went to the living room and found dad with another woman.

 

Really once you have kids its not about you anymore. But about them.

I dont see why you cant keep meet her at her place if you want to continue this.

The less new people you keep bring in their life the better.

So why not wait till you really divorced if thats what going to happen and

then go your way.

 

In this case its a gf. But what if your wife also want to bring other man

around your kids while they are sleeping or so.

You will be happy about it also?

Kids are vulnerable. You not know who people are. Specially not in a month.

 

Keep your wild life outside. Till you single and really have someone serious that you really know to introduce in your kids life.

Because it effect your kids for sure if they have to see woman come and go.

 

And separation/and still fresh means that you and your wife just having a hard time.

What about focus on that and therapy and what you can do so you can have a happy marriage and a happy home?

Because this dating can also backfire you badly. Hearts being broken.

Angry people that feel like you mislead them and wont leave you and your family alone and so on.

[Cherryz]

And also girls you messing with getting pregnant.

And bringing more stress on you and your wife and kids.