Radarsat Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Hi everyone, Here's my latest. I'm dating this really intelligent and classy girl who owns her own business in her own home. She is an unbelievable cook (like really good!) and she puts herself together extremely well. Very sexy. Dresses really nice and is super cute. We've been on 4 great dates so far. I know, it's early. The last one was at her home for dinner. Incredible dinner. We got into the wine a bit and we eventually kissed and made out a little. It was a great night and we both feel a connection. She told me that she senses that I move quickly and realizes knowing my history I'm not very experienced with dating. So she's being cautious, wants us to take it slowly one date at a time, which I think is amazing. I'm just not used to it and want to just commit already! Really foolish I know. Regardless, one very interesting thing about this girl is she wants a child. This came up on the first date. And when I mean she wants a child, she wants one right now! Not with me. She is (starting in January) going to go through artificial insemination (In vitro I think) in order to have a baby on her own. She's 37 like me and doesn't want to wait any longer. The father will be anonymous. I think it's amazing and a hugely courageous and confident thing to decide to do! As we got into the wine last night, I told her that if things grew with 'us', that I meant what I said on date one that I thought it was amazing and that I'd love to help her along the journey and be there for her when she needs help. I told her I understood that she was doing this on her own, but that I'd love to be a part of her and that child's life if things continued the way they were going. She smiled/blushed immensely and we made out a bit more. I guess my question to anyone is....am I crazy? She thinks I am! She's a little guarded for a couple of reasons. One, I haven't dated many people (she's the third) since I separated in August. Two, most men she's dated have found that information about her to be a bit of a deal breaker. I want a woman with children. It helps me realize that they will understand that I'm a father first and foremost too (I have a 7 and 4 year old). But am I crazy to get into this with her? I don't feel that way, but I want to be sensible to her and myself. 1
smackie9 Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! stop!!!!! I'm shocked that she is even dating if this is the plan she has in the works. This could get real messy. You are way too invested too soon. You hardly even know this woman....give your damn head a shake. You are borderline obsessing with this woman already....when she has the kid, you are going to end up so invested you will be less invested emotionally in your own kids. 4 dates in and you are already wanting to be daddy to an unborn child with a stranger. Take a step back, and review this with a close friend and see what they say. if you are too embarrassed to talk to someone who knows you, then you know this is too cuckoo for coco puffs. 12
Toodaloo Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Why not just suggest that she wait a little longer before going ahead with the IVF. Just say that you want to give it a few months to see how things work out. Say until June next year. Thats only 6 months its not going to make any changes to anything but will allow you both to get to know each other. Talk to her about it.
truth_seeker Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 This woman is a basket case. So desperate is she... It's one thing to want to have a kid and it's an entirely different thing to be FIT to have a kid. She's going to have a kid on her own and wants to date men while this is going on? wtf? Bro, date women who are divorced with kids - it cancels out the baggage you have and allows the both of you to focus on each other.
salparadise Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 I just think you're putting the cart before the horse on this. You're talking about being there for her, which presumably means helping her throughout her pregnancy and being a father to the child... but you barely know her, and I guess based on what you said, haven't even had sex yet. If I were a woman I'd flag you as a clinger. If you were in love and in a relationship that had had time to develop, then none of it would be unreasonable. However, most people would prefer to be investing in their own progeny, not that of an anonymous sperm donor. There is such a thing as being too easy, even for a man. And if you're just a few months off of a divorce, I'd say you are moving way too fast.
Author Radarsat Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 Wow! Completely not the responses I expected, but I'm really glad I posted the question. I appreciate everyone's feedback and will really need to slow down and reassess this. Damnit, she seems so great though.
MidwestUSA Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Wow! Completely not the responses I expected, but I'm really glad I posted the question. I appreciate everyone's feedback and will really need to slow down and reassess this. Damnit, she seems so great though. Well, I'll go partly against the grain. I do think it's really sweet that you're supportive of her plan. She probably doesn't run into that much. Take your time, continue to see her, but don't get too invested. As in, don't insert yourself into her (and her baby's) life. Yet. Meanwhile, get through your divorce. Some would say you shouldn't even be dating. But if things don't work out with her, she'll at least know she met one 'crazy' who was onboard with her plan for a family. She's guarded for a very good reason. 9
Author Radarsat Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 Well, I'll go partly against the grain. I do think it's really sweet that you're supportive of her plan. She probably doesn't run into that much. Take your time, continue to see her, but don't get too invested. As in, don't insert yourself into her (and her baby's) life. Yet. Meanwhile, get through your divorce. Some would say you shouldn't even be dating. But if things don't work out with her, she'll at least know she met one 'crazy' who was onboard with her plan for a family. She's guarded for a very good reason. Thank you! I'm a little biassed since I like her a lot, but I appreciate hearing this. I genuinely want to slow down myself. As I said, I move quickly and she's picked up on this. I'm more just puzzled as to why she is even dating when many have said that her focus should be more on parenting classes or preparing for a child vs. dating and getting to know a man. I'll take it slow, one date at a time. And we both agree that involving my kids in her life at this point or even months down the road, could be a major mistake. I just don't want to invest any time with her if she's not interested in a man being a part of this child's life. 1
MidwestUSA Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Thank you! I'm a little biassed since I like her a lot, but I appreciate hearing this. I genuinely want to slow down myself. As I said, I move quickly and she's picked up on this. I'm more just puzzled as to why she is even dating when many have said that her focus should be more on parenting classes or preparing for a child vs. dating and getting to know a man. I'll take it slow, one date at a time. And we both agree that involving my kids in her life at this point or even months down the road, could be a major mistake. I just don't want to invest any time with her if she's not interested in a man being a part of this child's life. Oh, yea, definitely don't involve your kids anytime soon if you proceed with her. But, I feel like the fact that you have two of your own, versus none, puts you in a better position to understand her decision. I had a girlfriend who got married in her late 30s. They were expecting. She miscarried, and the marriage didn't last (he got deported!). By then, she had baby rabies, and started the adoption process as a single woman. She continued to date, and was involved with a guy when the right baby became available (I got a trip to Russia out of it!). The guy she was with had a teenager. At first, it seemed like he was going to continue with her, baby and all. Then one day, he up and left, saying 'I can't go through this again'. Kind of a jerk move, but he was honest, I guess. A couple of years later, she met the RIGHT guy, who accepted her, package and all. My point is, a well balanced woman can do both, be a mother and a girlfriend. Good luck! 4
acrosstheuniverse Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 Well, there is no baby yet. That's why she's dating. She isn't pregnant. The procedure might easily not work. She obviously wants kids and has a plan to make it happen on her own, I admire her tenacity! I would advise you just take this slowly like any other new relationship, continue to date, if she's going through this procedure and it works, you'll have been dating for six months or a year by the time a baby is born, even if she conceives first time and has a trouble-free pregnancy. Until that time, you really don't know whether you two are even compatible as partners yet, you're jumping the gun by starting to think about being part of her and her possible future kid's life after such a crazy short period of time. Maybe this is why she said she can sense you're jumping the gun? You already have kids, you're open to the idea of being with her if she has a baby, it's all good. Just don't rush. You're much more likely to ruin things through rushing, although I'm sure the prospect of a baby in the future is causing your mind to think a lot more seriously than it might with a woman who wasn't saying all of this stuff. If you do end up together, of course you would eventually both be part of one another's kids lives, that's how relationships work, if on the other hand you really mean that you don't want to get involved with her if she won't accept you as a father for the baby, then don't proceed. I reckon after years of waiting to have kids, and deciding to do it on her own, she's going to be very attuned to men who are just looking to play happy familes or who have a bizarrely intense level of interest in getting to know her child before a reasonable time period has passed. 2
basil67 Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 If you're OK with her plan, I'd suggest you keep dating her but make no promises. Just take it as it comes and review your suitability as you continue getting to know her. 2
Standard-Fare Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 You were definitely jumping the gun a lot by even hinting at what type of role you may be able to play with this potential pregnancy. You two just do not know each other like that. It's dangerously presumptuous. However, for the people here who are saying the woman is crazy for wanting to date while going through with this -- I think that's stupid. She knows what she wants, she's taking charge of her fate, and she's relying on only herself to do so. I have to imagine that a woman who is this independent and sure of herself isn't hedging her bets on ANY relationship. But in the meantime, why does she have to put her romantic life completely on the backburner? She still wants love, too, like anybody else...and if it works out it may somehow fit in with her new lifestyle with the baby. OP, it even sounds like down the line you COULD be the type of person who might fit well into this lifestyle. You have an open enough mind for it. An even crazier suggestion was for the OP to suggest she wait on the fertilization process to see how the dating goes. Come on. This is her longtime plan, and she's not going to put it on hold for this guy or any guy. That's the essential factor of this plan - it doesn't rely on a man at all! 6
Eighty_nine Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 This woman is a basket case. So desperate is she... It's one thing to want to have a kid and it's an entirely different thing to be FIT to have a kid. She's going to have a kid on her own and wants to date men while this is going on? wtf? . WTF. A 37-year-old woman who knows what she wants (a child) and undestands the timeliness of the issue and isn't ready to just give up all other things in her life (including dating) is a basket case. Man. 7
frus69 Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 Why can't she try to get a baby and date at the same time?? 6
lana-banana Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 I think both you and she are handling this the right way, and the people calling her "crazy" or "desperate" are way off the mark. She's 37. She knows what she's doing. A grown, established woman who is serious about having a child sounds like a far better mother than two teenagers who didn't use condoms, or an angry mistress trying to get a married man's attention, or two miserable people making a rash decision to save their relationship. Be smart, be safe, and be open. Life is rarely neat or easy. Best of luck to you both. 10
frus69 Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! stop!!!!! I'm shocked that she is even dating if this is the plan she has in the works. .. Why?? what's wrong with that? You are borderline obsessing with this woman already....when she has the kid, you are going to end up so invested you will be less invested emotionally in your own kids.. Where does this conclusion even come from?? Sorry..terrible, terrible advice. I think she is independent and level headed. OP is sweet and caring. I wish them luck 7
BlueIris Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 (edited) ..... I guess my question to anyone is....am I crazy? She thinks I am! She's a little guarded for a couple of reasons. One, I haven't dated many people (she's the third) since I separated in August. ... I want to be sensible to her and myself. I'd say this is the greatest concern. You have been separated for only 4 1/2 months at the most, not even divorced yet. Get your divorce completed before considering whether you want to be with someone much less whether you want to raise a baby with her. ... Meanwhile, get through your divorce. Some would say you shouldn't even be dating. But if things don't work out with her, she'll at least know she met one 'crazy' who was onboard with her plan for a family. She's guarded for a very good reason. yeah. What she said. Edited December 16, 2015 by BlueIris 4
alphamale Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 you can get involved with her but make sure that she knows the baby is 100% her responsibility. also, once the baby comes she will most likely make you second fiddle or worse, give you the heave-ho
MidwestUSA Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 WTF. A 37-year-old woman who knows what she wants (a child) and undestands the timeliness of the issue and isn't ready to just give up all other things in her life (including dating) is a basket case. Man. I know, right? I saw nothing that indicates she isn't 'FIT'. My girlfriend was/is an established professional, making 6+ figures, knew what she wanted, and now has a happy, healthy teenager. The rest of the family filled in perfectly. I'm sure she wishes it had all happened before her father died tho. 2
phineas Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 If you have sex make sure you use condoms you bought on the way there instead of the one's she has with pin holes in the reservoir tip. 1
frus69 Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 This woman is a basket case. So desperate is she... . Shocking you can get involved with her but make sure that she knows the baby is 100% her responsibility. also, once the baby comes she will most likely make you second fiddle or worse, give you the heave-ho Shocking x 2 If you have sex make sure you use condoms you bought on the way there instead of the one's she has with pin holes in the reservoir tip. Shocking x 3 6
acrosstheuniverse Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 you can get involved with her but make sure that she knows the baby is 100% her responsibility. Genuinely curious why you'd feel it necessary to say that? This lady has purposefully made a plan so she can have a baby WITHOUT a man. She senses the OP rushing in their dating relationship and is trying to slow him down. There are all kinds of crazy people in this world who'd meet someone new, clock ticking in their ears, move in within a few dates and start trying for a baby within a couple months of meeting. From literally everything the OP has said, she seems more than capable of doing this alone, your comment is very patronising, as though she's going to meet a new guy, go through with the procedure, have a baby and then expect this random new dude she started dating a few months ago to bail her out with the kid. I can't figure out where you'd get that from. 4
lollipopspot Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 (edited) you can get involved with her but make sure that she knows the baby is 100% her responsibility. also, once the baby comes she will most likely make you second fiddle or worse, give you the heave-ho You make two opposite assumptions about her, both negative. First, that she's going to over-rely on him and give him too much responsibility. Also, that she's going to neglect him or kick him out of her life. Which is it? If you have sex make sure you use condoms you bought on the way there instead of the one's she has with pin holes in the reservoir tip. What tells you that she would do that rather than continue on with her plan? Is it a general view that a woman who wants a child (especially even one who has a plan and means to get one on her own) would be eager to trick and lie to a man? She's the one who told him to slow down. I doubt she'd want to saddle herself for life and share custody of the child she wants with a man whom she barely knows and it may turn out she doesn't even like. Edited December 16, 2015 by lollipopspot 4
TheTraveler Posted December 16, 2015 Posted December 16, 2015 I'm with the woman in this situation. She sounds stable and ready to make a commitment for something she wants. She doesn't need a man to raise a child and I absolutely see nothing wrong with her going on dates. The OP sounds overbearing, clingy, needy, and still hasn't completed his divorce? She makes sense. Not the OP. 3
Author Radarsat Posted December 16, 2015 Author Posted December 16, 2015 I'm with the woman in this situation. She sounds stable and ready to make a commitment for something she wants. She doesn't need a man to raise a child and I absolutely see nothing wrong with her going on dates. The OP sounds overbearing, clingy, needy, and still hasn't completed his divorce? She makes sense. Not the OP. Well, I agree. I definitely am the clingy needy one. And she has certainly picked up on this and is telling me that, yes she feels something but let's slow down an enjoy our time as we get to know each other better. And thank you to those who are backing her. You're absolutely right, I don't see any reason why this woman could NOT handle it. Yes, she'll be a new parent, and it's hard to prepare for that. But she has gone through a lot already in life and without a doubt has the spunk, energy and intelligence to get through the challenges of being a single mom. She definitely doesn't expect a man by her side to pick up the chores. But she mentioned she is excited about the possibility of a father figure in her childs life when the timing is right. I've been kind of stuck on "if she's doing this (IVF), why is she dating then?". But I'm realizing that it was a stupid thing to ask. Pregnant woman are allowed to still be loved for gods sake! They still have needs and want to be in relationships. How ridiculous of me to question this. I don't know why I feel something so special with her. But I'm listening everyone, I will slow down and enjoy my company with her without pushing the envelope on certain issues. One date at a time and I'll see where it goes. I feel like she's a possible catch so I need to explore it more before I run away from something that could be incredible. 4
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