Difficulty due to very Specific Preferences

[notoriginal]

I have the same problem. I only fall for virgin men. I don't like the idea of them having had other relationships or sexual contact. This limits my dating pool to about zero, so I have accepted being content with a fantasy. I don't want a real relationship if I can't have this. To make things worse they also need to be perverts, sex addict & a virgin just like me! I ask this question early on.

Edited January 27, 2016 by notoriginal

[searching1992]

Do you have difficulty with intimacy in general? Do you think kissing, cuddling, and other forms of physical affection are enjoyable or threatening?

 

I'm also curious how this subject comes up when dating a girl. Do you ask her on the first date if she's ever made out with someone, or is still a virgin? Do you ask these questions before even asking her out on a date? And what types of responses do you get from women when you ask these questions?

I don't have a problem with intimacy. I'm just waiting until marriage for most forms of it. They sound like they will be incredibly enjoyable.

 

I've never dated anyone yet. For a while I wasn't looking to date and now I just don't come across women I find physically attractive enough to date. As to their sexual past, ideally I would like to know beforehand if they're a virgin so I know whether to ask them out or not. This would only be feasible if we were friends first, though. Otherwise, I'll probably ask at some point on a first date. Second date at the latest. If the question upsets them, they're probably not a virgin. So, it won't really matter in that case if it does. I won't ask in a judgemental way. I'll try and make it a casual conversation about our values regarding sex and take it from there.

[LookAtThisPOst]

If the question upsets them, they're probably not a virgin. So, it won't really matter in that case if it does. I won't ask in a judgemental way.

 

If the question upsets them, they're probably not a virgin.

 

You can't know this. No offense, but you're quite naive thinking this.

 

There is no way of asking such a question without being perceived as judgmental. Sorry,that's just how it is and if they are a virgin, they will STILL be offended.

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm not questioning your sexual preference like someone else did. But do you think their is a chance you are asexual.

 

 

The fact that you don't find most pretty women that the rest of men find attractive, to be attractive to you, isn't normal. And the way you describe how intimacy your future wife "They sound like they will be incredibly enjoyable" doesn't sound like the way most men who haven't had sex think about it.

 

 

I almost get the feeling you've set up this standard for yourself so that you don't ever have to be intimate with a real woman.

[searching1992]

I'm not questioning your sexual preference like someone else did. But do you think their is a chance you are asexual.

 

 

The fact that you don't find most pretty women that the rest of men find attractive, to be attractive to you, isn't normal. And the way you describe how intimacy your future wife "They sound like they will be incredibly enjoyable" doesn't sound like the way most men who haven't had sex think about it.

 

 

I almost get the feeling you've set up this standard for yourself so that you don't ever have to be intimate with a real woman.

I'm definitely not asexual. I very much want to have sex one day. I just only desire it with a gorgeous virgin. Otherwise, I'm simply not very attracted. I'm not sure what way you're thinking I should be thinking about it. If I were asexual, I wouldn't desire sex with any woman (or man).

[normal person]

If I were asexual, I wouldn't desire sex with any woman (or man).

 

And gay people get married to people of the other gender. I'm not making any assumptions about you whatsoever, I'm just saying, it happens. People get married, have kids, then come out as gay later on.

 

I'm definitely not asexual. I very much want to have sex one day. I just only desire it with a gorgeous virgin. Otherwise, I'm simply not very attracted.

 

Physically, sex with a virgin and sex with a non-virgin feels more or less the same. In fact, sex with a non-virgin can be more preferable because those girls know what they're doing, are more engaged, and aren't as worried or as self-conscious.

 

As for the "specialness" of it all, it's obviously much more important to you than to other than pretty much everyone else, but I think when the time comes you'll find that you've greatly overvalued the premium you put on it.

 

Just my guess, best of luck.

[ChickiePops]

I'm definitely not asexual. I very much want to have sex one day. I just only desire it with a gorgeous virgin. Otherwise, I'm simply not very attracted. I'm not sure what way you're thinking I should be thinking about it. If I were asexual, I wouldn't desire sex with any woman (or man).

 

Not sure what advice you're looking for. You're correct, you have very specific and very rare tastes, and these gorgeous virgin unicorns may or may not be attracted to you just because you're attracted to them. So you have to prepare yourself for the possibility of a life of celibacy and loneliness.

 

On the other hand...it only takes one. Some people do get lucky and find exactly what they're looking for. So you never know.

 

Best of luck to you. Sex IS fun...I'd be very sad if I didn't get to have it.

[AMJ]

I'm thinking back to myself when I was a virgin. My 19, 20, and 21 year old self would have been really really put off by a guy asking me if I was a virgin. It was a really personal thing, even moreso back then. When someone found out I was a virgin it was this big deal, and I hated being judged for it. I mostly only told my girl friends that I was a virgin, and if a GUY had asked me, I would have ran really far in the opposite direction. The only two guys I did tell that I was a virgin were boyfriends. The first was my first college boyfriend, and he never got farther than 2nd base. The second was my 2nd college boyfriend, and I literally told him I was a virgin right before we had sex for the first time. And like others have mentioned, that was by far the worst sexual experience I've ever had in my entire life, and there was nothing, literally nothing special about it. I was glad to have gotten it out of the way. Having sex for the first time on my wedding night would be the most tragic, depressing, terrible experience.

 

I only bring this up to say- you are going to freak out almost any girl if you ask her right away who she has or hasn't had sex with. Or kissed! No one asks about kissing because no one cares.

 

Also, you may want to really examine why you don't enjoy being physically intimate with women. Other than sex and kissing, it seems like you don't have the desire to be physically intimate period, and that suggests another issue that you probably aren't even aware of yet.

Edited January 27, 2016 by AMJ

[normal person]

I mostly only told my girl friends that I was a virgin, and if a GUY had asked me, I would have ran really far in the opposite direction. The only two guys I did tell that I was a virgin were boyfriends. The first was my first college boyfriend, and he never got farther than 2nd base. The second was my 2nd college boyfriend, and I literally told him I was a virgin right before we had sex for the first time. And like others have mentioned, that was by far the worst sexual experience I've ever had in my entire life, and there was nothing, literally nothing special about it. I was glad to have gotten it out of the way. Having sex for the first time on my wedding night would be the most tragic, depressing, terrible experience.

 

I only bring this up to say- you are going to freak out almost any girl if you ask her right away who she has or hasn't had sex with. Or kissed! No one asks about kissing because no one cares.

 

Also, you may want to really examine why you don't enjoy being physically intimate with women. Other than sex and kissing, it seems like you don't have the desire to be physically intimate period, and that suggests another issue that you probably aren't even aware of yet.

 

Brilliant post, best of the thread. Exactly what OP needed to hear from a woman. OP, I'm curious what you've got to say about this. You seem pretty far out of touch with womens' sensibilities.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Brilliant post, best of the thread. Exactly what OP needed to hear from a woman. OP, I'm curious what you've got to say about this. You seem pretty far out of touch with womens' sensibilities.

 

I mean, what woman in her right mind virgin or not, would have a problem with this question being asked of her?

 

The OP is up for a rude awaking, that's for sure.

[ChickiePops]

I mean, what woman in her right mind virgin or not, would have a problem with this question being asked of her?

 

The OP is up for a rude awaking, that's for sure.

 

I can't tell if this is a mis-type or not but in case it wasn't, as a woman, I would definitely have a problem with a guy asking if I was a virgin. It's a double edged sword..if you say no, he might think you're a slut. If you say yes, he might think you're a prude or automatically disqualify you because he thinks he won't get laid, which would also make you feel gross. Also if a guy told me he was ONLY looking for virgins, I would be thoroughly creeped out.

 

Also my sexual history is nobody's business but my own. If I choose to share it with a partner, that's my prerogative. If not, that's also my prerogative..particularly early on in a relationship. OP makes it sound like virginity is a deal breaker so I feel like he might ask this on a first or second date, before he began to become attached to the girl..which I would consider a rude question.

[searching1992]

I'm thinking back to myself when I was a virgin. My 19, 20, and 21 year old self would have been really really put off by a guy asking me if I was a virgin. It was a really personal thing, even moreso back then. When someone found out I was a virgin it was this big deal, and I hated being judged for it. I mostly only told my girl friends that I was a virgin, and if a GUY had asked me, I would have ran really far in the opposite direction. The only two guys I did tell that I was a virgin were boyfriends. The first was my first college boyfriend, and he never got farther than 2nd base. The second was my 2nd college boyfriend, and I literally told him I was a virgin right before we had sex for the first time. And like others have mentioned, that was by far the worst sexual experience I've ever had in my entire life, and there was nothing, literally nothing special about it. I was glad to have gotten it out of the way. Having sex for the first time on my wedding night would be the most tragic, depressing, terrible experience.

 

I only bring this up to say- you are going to freak out almost any girl if you ask her right away who she has or hasn't had sex with. Or kissed! No one asks about kissing because no one cares.

 

Also, you may want to really examine why you don't enjoy being physically intimate with women. Other than sex and kissing, it seems like you don't have the desire to be physically intimate period, and that suggests another issue that you probably aren't even aware of yet.

We're obviously very different people, which is fine. I've talked to people who stayed a virgin until marriage and were estatic they did and have happy marriages and sex lives. I aim for that. I very much want to be intimate with a woman. I'm not going to stress too much over whether or not I'm coming off that way to everyone on an internet forum.

 

I've talked to people who have inquired about sexual history right away and they said it wasn't an issue. Maybe they were just lucky. It just seems dumb to wait too long to wait to ask when I would dump her if she wasn't a virgin. It would feel like wasting both of our time. In your opinion, what is the absolute earliest you think it's okay to ask?

[AMJ]

In your opinion, what is the absolute earliest you think it's okay to ask?

 

I would have been seriously bothered if a guy asked me that at all. When I was a virgin, being a virgin was not something I wanted anyone to even know about, it was probably the most personal thing to know about me. Now there's a token gorgeous virgin on every season of the Bachelor it seems, so maybe you're right, and maybe gorgeous virgins in their 20s do exist and they do love to tell the world how pure they are.

 

I don't really understand those women, just like I don't really understand that show. But I can speak for myself and any of the women I know as good friends, and not a single one of us would be okay with a guy ever asking about virginity or making out. As in, you can't ask those questions at all.

 

I've given this thought as to why it's offensive, and aside from privacy or any of the things people have already mentioned, when a man gets controlling like this, it feels like he wants property not a person. There is so much more to me as a person than my sexual history. But feeling like my only value to a man is virginity just feels really cheap and degrading. I know you don't see it that way, and you may not understand why a woman might feel that way, but what I'm saying is very real. This concern with virginity is really possessive, and feels like you view women as objects.

[searching1992]

I would have been seriously bothered if a guy asked me that at all. When I was a virgin, being a virgin was not something I wanted anyone to even know about, it was probably the most personal thing to know about me. Now there's a token gorgeous virgin on every season of the Bachelor it seems, so maybe you're right, and maybe gorgeous virgins in their 20s do exist and they do love to tell the world how pure they are.

 

I don't really understand those women, just like I don't really understand that show. But I can speak for myself and any of the women I know as good friends, and not a single one of us would be okay with a guy ever asking about virginity or making out. As in, you can't ask those questions at all.

 

I've given this thought as to why it's offensive, and aside from privacy or any of the things people have already mentioned, when a man gets controlling like this, it feels like he wants property not a person. There is so much more to me as a person than my sexual history. But feeling like my only value to a man is virginity just feels really cheap and degrading. I know you don't see it that way, and you may not understand why a woman might feel that way, but what I'm saying is very real. This concern with virginity is really possessive, and feels like you view women as objects.

Yeah, we're definitely very different. Like how you can't understand those women on "The Bachelor," I can't understand how it is controlling or possessive of me to only want to marry a virgin. I'm a virgin waiting until marriage looking for a girl who is like me and shares my values. I want my first time to be with a fellow first timer. It just plain makes sense to me. It's about wanting a certain experience and a certain lifestyle. It's not about ownership.

 

It's a shame that there are women who would be so insulted by my asking about their sexual past. It really sounds like those women would not be the one for me, though. So, I suppose it's moot. Still, I suppose I could somewhat understand not wanting to be asked on a first date since it's a serious question being asked so soon. I just feel like prefacing it with the fact that I'm a virgin waiting until marriage makes the question reasonable.

[RySant]

Try searching the life of Tim Tebow. That football hunk is just like you in many ways. You'll be able to see your chances as you will be able to read his.

[normal person]

Try searching the life of Tim Tebow. That football hunk is just like you in many ways. You'll be able to see your chances as you will be able to read his.

 

As I've mentioned a few times in this thread, Tim Tebow had a gorgeous girlfriend (she was Miss USA), but she broke up with him because he wouldn't have sex with her. I'm not saying OP is doomed to the same fate, but it's food for thought.

[GunslingerRoland]

I can't understand how it is controlling or possessive of me to only want to marry a virgin. I'm a virgin waiting until marriage looking for a girl who is like me and shares my values. I want my first time to be with a fellow first timer. It just plain makes sense to me. It's about wanting a certain experience and a certain lifestyle. It's not about ownership.

 

.

 

But you`ve already basically told us, it has nothing to do with values. You don`t care if you get a girl who has never been kissed because she believes as strongly in this as you do, or if you get a girl who has just been isolated and never kissed because of it.

 

 

So yes, I think there is a certain control aspect to it, whether you realize it or not. You want someone totally untouched, almost like they just came off the shelf. Same with the gorgeous looks, you don`t want a real woman, you want Barbie, fresh out of the box.

[WaitingForBardot]

...

It's a shame that there are women who would be so insulted by my asking about their sexual past. It really sounds like those women would not be the one for me, though. So, I suppose it's moot. Still, I suppose I could somewhat understand not wanting to be asked on a first date since it's a serious question being asked so soon. I just feel like prefacing it with the fact that I'm a virgin waiting until marriage makes the question reasonable.

I'll venture a guess that its because asking sends a message that their value to you is contigent on this one factor, which to be fair is true. People, not just women, want to be judged on their whole package so to speak, not just one factor. It's similar to them being valued only for their beauty. Oh yeah, you may be doing that as well. I'm not saying you won't value the whole package once you've found the right woman, that just may not be what you are conveying when you ask the question.

 

OTOH, I have known women who wear their virginity like a badge of honor and define themselves through it. I'd bet women like this would not be put off by the question so it may well serve to identify potentials while driving away/offending the ones you don't want.

[losangelena]

As I've mentioned a few times in this thread, Tim Tebow had a gorgeous girlfriend (she was Miss USA), but she broke up with him because he wouldn't have sex with her. I'm not saying OP is doomed to the same fate, but it's food for thought.

 

Well, FWIW, Ciara is willing to date Russell Wilson and (allegedly) not have sex with him. Then again, Russell Wilson knows Ciara's not a virgin, so I guess they're both compromising (and damn, I would chastely date Russell Wilson if I knew we'd one day have sex, too).

[AMJ]

Yeah, we're definitely very different.

It's a shame that there are women who would be so insulted by my asking about their sexual past.

 

Of course we are different. If the importance of being a virgin isn't about morals or religion, then it must be about purity? Does it gross you out to think of kissing someone who's kissed other people before you?

 

It's not a shame that women would be insulted by being judged about their sexual past. Who each of us decides to have sex with, or not have sex with, is our own personal decision. I do not broadcast how many people I've had sex with, and when I was a virgin, I didn't broadcast my choice not to have sex. The gorgeous virgins on the Bachelor are broadcasting their virginity to get attention and set them apart, like their virginity is a selling point. On the other hand, you could have a woman who says- I'm the best at sex because I've had lots of it, pick me! And in my opinion, both women would just be cheapening themselves- objectifying themselves, advertising that sex is their best attribute to a man.

 

 

Look, dating is really hard. Relationships are even more difficult. Finding someone you get along with and are attracted to romantically is one of the most challenging things we all try to do in our adult lives. You haven't started dating at all yet- so this is uncharted territory for you. Most of us reading this thread are thinking- wow, he's setting himself up for serious failure. And that's because we all know that you just can't have such rigid requirements about who you fall in love with. I've dated guys who I thought were really attractive, and I wished I had feelings for them, but we just didn't click. I can't explain why. Then I've dated guys who I never in a million years thought I would be attracted to, but end up falling in love with. If I went around with this checklist to determine who I was or wasn't willing to date, I'd simply just be missing out on life- period.

 

I really do think you should explore where your need for purity and feelings about intimacy come from, and why they are so important to you. You posted here to search for places to find this type of woman. No one really knows where to find her, but we've all responded instead wondering why this is so important to you.

 

After you find this gorgeous virgin and marry her, her two most important qualities will be stripped away. She won't be a virgin anymore, and she eventually won't be so gorgeous. What then, is left of your marriage that's worth holding onto?

[searching1992]

But you`ve already basically told us, it has nothing to do with values. You don`t care if you get a girl who has never been kissed because she believes as strongly in this as you do, or if you get a girl who has just been isolated and never kissed because of it.

 

 

So yes, I think there is a certain control aspect to it, whether you realize it or not. You want someone totally untouched, almost like they just came off the shelf. Same with the gorgeous looks, you don`t want a real woman, you want Barbie, fresh out of the box.

Similar values definitely also play into it. It's a moderately strong preference she also be waiting until marriage. It's just not a dealbreaker. Her not waiting until marriage, but being a virgin, is a compromise to widen my net (something people on here have recommended). Maybe I can't convince you guys that I'm not being controlling. Fine. Agree to disagree.

 

AMJ, I still find it to be a shame. I'm not judging them as good or bad people based on their sexual past. I'm only judging whether they are right for me. It is no different than anyone else judging not to be with someone for any of their dealbreakers they may have.

 

I'm past the phase of exploring why it's important to me. I've mulled this over for years. I've discussed it with people, in real life and online, for years. I came here looking for suggestions for where to find such a woman because this is where I am. I get that dating can be a challenge. I do. You don't have to experience it firsthand to know this. Things are going to be tough for me, but not impossible. It's not worth settling for someone I won't be happy with. And, by the way, the thing I like about marrying a virgin won't ever go away. I like the specialness of us being each others' only partners. That doesn't go away once we have had sex. Also, all of the other things I love about her in addition to looks and us being each others' only sexual partners won't go away, either.

[AMJ]

Her not waiting until marriage, but being a virgin, is a compromise to widen my net (something people on here have recommended).

 

Interesting- so what happens when you find this girl, you both decide to have sex before marriage but then break up with each other for one of the 10 thousand reasons couples break up during your 20s? Will you search for another virgin, even though you won't still be a virgin yourself?

 

 

I'm past the phase of exploring why it's important to me.

So why not tell us why this is important to you, if you feel like you are comfortable with this decision?

 

I get that dating can be a challenge. I do. You don't have to experience it firsthand to know this. Things are going to be tough for me, but not impossible. It's not worth settling for someone I won't be happy with.

 

Man, I'm sorry. But you're just wrong. You DO have to experience it firsthand to understand how challenging dating is. You've never had your heart broken. You've never even been dumped or rejected. You've never fallen in love with someone whom you can't be with and lived with that kind of pain. Or fallen for someone who makes no sense for you, so you try to not have feelings for that person, but can't really help yourself. You've never experienced the sheer misery of going on ten or twenty dates just trying to find someone you'll want to go on a second date with. You cannot, and will not, understand what any of this feels like until it happens to you.

 

And, by the way, the thing I like about marrying a virgin won't ever go away. I like the specialness of us being each others' only partners. That doesn't go away once we have had sex. Also, all of the other things I love about her in addition to looks and us being each others' only sexual partners won't go away, either.

 

Yeah, it will go away. Honestly, everything new and wonderful and special about every relationship ever goes away at some point. That's why people divorce half of the time, and at least half of the people who stay married are miserably married. People like you get married for really bad reasons and all of the newness and wonderfulness of being each other's first and only sex partners will definitely not be as shiny and magical as time goes on. I would bet a million dollars that I'm not wrong on this one.

 

Why does it go away? There are so many reasons. People grow apart when they grow older. The things that matter to you SO MUCH at 23 will be a distant memory when you're 33. and 43. You'll have a few kids together, and your kids are going to cause you so much stress that you completely lose touch with your relationship with your wife. You get stressed out about things at work, and you don't have the energy to be a doting husband, and then she resents you for ignoring her. You wind up with financial problems for some reason. Who knows- it could be anything.

 

 

 

 

If you want a better chance at a lasting, perfect marriage and life with your virgin bride, I suggest placing less value on her gorgeousness, and more value on her personality. Who she is as a person, what she cares about, how she treats you and everyone else, what she wants out of life. That's the stuff that will keep you guys together and happy in the long run.

[searching1992]

If you want a better chance at a lasting, perfect marriage and life with your virgin bride, I suggest placing less value on her gorgeousness, and more value on her personality. Who she is as a person, what she cares about, how she treats you and everyone else, what she wants out of life. That's the stuff that will keep you guys together and happy in the long run.

I guess I just know people who have had an easier go of it than you. None of my friends have had to go on twenty dates before finding a girl they wanted to be in a relationship with. Not even close. Also, I think you misunderstood my compromise. I don't mean I'll have premarital sex. I mean I would date a girl who happens to be a virgin and then is willing to wait until marriage for me, as opposed to her having already chosen to wait on her own.

 

I've talked to people who waited until marriage and they're still happy they waited years, even decades, later. I think I'll be like them and always be happy we're each others' only sexual partners.

 

As far as looks go, I'll just have to wait and see. As of right now, I just haven't seen non-gorgeous girl I feel much attraction for. I highly doubt that changes, but we'll see.

[sweet honeydew]

If you want a better chance at a lasting, perfect marriage and life with your virgin bride, I suggest placing less value on her gorgeousness, and more value on her personality. Who she is as a person, what she cares about, how she treats you and everyone else, what she wants out of life. That's the stuff that will keep you guys together and happy in the long run.

 

I agree. But I also adore OP being young with such a dream. Don't you guys all remember how we were once young and idealists? He is just 23.

 

 

I do think OP, like most of us, is trying to get a relationship with a story line in his head. That is, to get a beautiful woman who is a virgin. The underlying assumption is that she is pure in all other ways and beautiful in all other ways. And continue to be that way. We all, to a degree, have a fantasy when we start a relationship. We going into a relationship with a "taker" mentality like this. Because we need the story and honestly care more about fulfilling our own needs than where the other person is. It is a very human thing to do.

 

 

The difference is now we know how precious Integrity, Loyalty and Commitment is. Rather than the story in our own head, we don't focus on our own wants/needs as much. Instead, we focus more on the connection with a partner as he/she truly is. We are then able to see red flags, and see the other person for who they truly are, where they stand.

 

 

OP, life happens. What if you find a beautiful virgin girl, fall in love, then before you were married, she was raped or disfigured in an accident? Or worse, what if it happens after you got married? I can tell you these things do happen and I witness them. What then? I am not trying to analyze it heartlessly or trying to change your current belief. I am just saying, life happens, be prepared.

Edited January 28, 2016 by sweet honeydew

[Els]

In your opinion, what is the absolute earliest you think it's okay to ask?

 

I'm someone who is generally in support of partners knowing everything about each other, and even I think it's crass and a bit of a red flag to ASK. What people usually do is talk about their own sexual history, and the partner reciprocates. This type of conversation usually happens a few months down the road, ESPECIALLY if the people involved are virgins.

 

Asking is only going to put off everyone, regardless of whether they are a virgin or not. And frankly I think you're placing a bit too much emphasis on the whole virgin thing. Even when I was a young woman who hadn't even made out with a guy before, there was no way I would have dated someone who absolutely NEEDED a woman to be a virgin as his #1 priority in choosing a partner. There are preferences, and then there are obsessions. Honestly the more I read your thread, the more yours sounds like an obsession to me, which is rather worrisome.