Sending flowers to an ex? good Idea or bad?

[donvito]

Seriously? Remember what I said about telling you what you needed to hear versus what you want to hear? It's one of the FEW comments supporting what you want to do, the majority is against and is more likely to be correct. You only see it as the best reply because it's the one you want, there's no point helping you as you won't listen.

 

What do you have to lose? Nothing? Really? If you open your eyes you'll see you've got her to lose, but if that's nothing then please go ahead giving her flowers making sure she resents you more. Better than you reeling her back in only to continue with your selfishness, she deserves better.

 

You may expect the forum to just focus on helping only you, but we're aware you're not the only one affected by our advice. I won't help you if it won't help her as well, smoothing over it with flowers is not dealing with the core issue here.

 

I understand that it is probably over and I'm trying to accept it. I'm not giving up on her just because you said "its over, get over it you're an *******" I never said if we got back together how I would fix things because it sounds corny.

 

Here is one thing that keeps me from giving up, my parents dated starting at 19 and broke up at 21 because my dad was caught cheating. They got back together 3 months after. They have been married almost 27 years. My mother told me "when we got back together I accepted he was immature and I could see he changed." Point is my father was immature and I think in those 3 months my dad realized how he screwed up, and I'm feeling the same way.

 

You can tell me to give up and let it go but I have to try, I feel like Ill always wonder "what would of happened if I did try"

 

Sorry if this is going to piss you off. It's just there is no way I'm going down with out a fight. I made this thread to see if it was a good idea/what should I do to win her back not really a "is this relationship screwed or not"

[Qboro90]

I understand that it is probably over and I'm trying to accept it. I'm not giving up on her just because you said "its over, get over it you're an *******" I never said if we got back together how I would fix things because it sounds corny.

 

Here is one thing that keeps me from giving up, my parents dated starting at 19 and broke up at 21 because my dad was caught cheating. They got back together 3 months after. They have been married almost 27 years. My mother told me "when we got back together I accepted he was immature and I could see he changed." Point is my father was immature and I think in those 3 months my dad realized how he screwed up, and I'm feeling the same way.

 

You can tell me to give up and let it go but I have to try, I feel like Ill always wonder "what would of happened if I did try"

 

Sorry if this is going to piss you off. It's just there is no way I'm going down with out a fight. I made this thread to see if it was a good idea/what should I do to win her back not really a "is this relationship screwed or not"

 

 

You are not your father and she is not your mom tho. This isn't the same era and world that it was when your parent started dating. Women were less empowered and a guy could get away with cheating less harshly back then. You can't expect her to take you back because you know of or hear about a couple examples of people going through breakups or infidelity and getting back together forever.

 

And that's what most people unfortunately who struggle with breakups and moving on are all guilty of doing. If they ask 100 people about their break up and hear 95 tell them that "it's over for now, just give her space and don't talk to her", and 5 tell them "you could get her back, my friends BF cheated on her and they got married 2 years later". They listen to the latter advice. It's more hopeful and tells you what you are wanting to hold out hope for happening with your ex.

 

But there's nobody in the world who knows. Except you're ex. And right now she doesn't want to talk to you. So maybe if you want this girl back so bad, you should start Doug what she wants and show her that respect for once.

 

Any 20 yo would think like this during a breakup which is normal. But I'm just telling you from experience that the girls you "love" when you're 18,19,20,21 etc.... Are not the last girls you'll ever date or be in love with.

 

Pretend like you never broke up and for some reason she was forced to move to China with her family or for her school or career. She'd be out of your life. Do you think you wouldn't find anyone else in the months, years to follow? Of course not. I'm engaged and love my girl more than anything. But if I was born on the other side of the country or even on the other side of the state, I would have no idea she exists and id fall in love with someone else. You will to, she's not the only one.

[Grewd]

I understand that it is probably over and I'm trying to accept it. I'm not giving up on her just because you said "its over, get over it you're an *******" I never said if we got back together how I would fix things because it sounds corny.

I did not say it's over and you should give up, I didn't call you whatever is censored there either. I think you're mistaking me for Winterina or something.

 

I'm trying to help you get back with her. However it won't work doing what you planned on doing and if you won't change it won't last anyways.

 

Pleasr read my responses carefully again and think about what I'm saying.

[donvito]

You are not your father and she is not your mom tho. This isn't the same era and world that it was when your parent started dating. Women were less empowered and a guy could get away with cheating less harshly back then. You can't expect her to take you back because you know of or hear about a couple examples of people going through breakups or infidelity and getting back together forever.

 

And that's what most people unfortunately who struggle with breakups and moving on are all guilty of doing. If they ask 100 people about their break up and hear 95 tell them that "it's over for now, just give her space and don't talk to her", and 5 tell them "you could get her back, my friends BF cheated on her and they got married 2 years later". They listen to the latter advice. It's more hopeful and tells you what you are wanting to hold out hope for happening with your ex.

 

But there's nobody in the world who knows. Except you're ex. And right now she doesn't want to talk to you. So maybe if you want this girl back so bad, you should start Doug what she wants and show her that respect for once.

 

Any 20 yo would think like this during a breakup which is normal. But I'm just telling you from experience that the girls you "love" when you're 18,19,20,21 etc.... Are not the last girls you'll ever date or be in love with.

 

Pretend like you never broke up and for some reason she was forced to move to China with her family or for her school or career. She'd be out of your life. Do you think you wouldn't find anyone else in the months, years to follow? Of course not. I'm engaged and love my girl more than anything. But if I was born on the other side of the country or even on the other side of the state, I would have no idea she exists and id fall in love with someone else. You will to, she's not the only one.

 

that was great advice, I'm thinking of just giving her space for a while.

[donvito]

I did not say it's over and you should give up, I didn't call you whatever is censored there either. I think you're mistaking me for Winterina or something.

 

I'm trying to help you get back with her. However it won't work doing what you planned on doing and if you won't change it won't last anyways.

 

Pleasr read my responses carefully again and think about what I'm saying.

 

Sorry, but what is the way that will help both of us? I've been thinking just to send her a text saying "Hey, just wanted to apologize for the way I treated you in the relationship, I wish you the best in your life" and then let it go and if it still bothers me in a few months I'll contact like as if she was an old friend.

[Grewd]

Sorry, but what is the way that will help both of us? I've been thinking just to send her a text saying "Hey, just wanted to apologize for the way I treated you in the relationship, I wish you the best in your life" and then let it go and if it still bothers me in a few months I'll contact like as if she was an old friend.

That's actually a very good idea, if you sincerely feel that. I'm happy you ask what will be best for both of you, that's the mindset you must always have when you're with the person you love. If she's not having a good time with you then it won't be best for both of you, it would only be best for you and that's the selfishness that won't work for a good relationship. If she can't be good to you either because of her not trusting you anymore, then what's best for both of you is to end the relationship and thus the reciprocation of bad feelings.

 

By letting her go she will be forced to make a final decision, either she gets back with you or she'll lose you for good. You're also taking a risk which requires real courage and strength, even though you would like her back you love her enough to let her leave if she thinks that will make her happy. She will be more likely to choose you if you respect her decisions even if it goes against what you'd prefer. Do you have any ideas how many guys have tried what you initially suggested and failed horribly just further humiliating themselves? It's so common that women see it as a bad sign, it's desperation, not love.

 

If you do send that message you gotta understand that if she doesn't respond she has decided to lose you, you will have to respect that and bothering her because it bothers you isn't a way of doing that.

 

You may contact her in a few months time though if she doesn't reconsider, but ONLY if you in fact do view her as an old friend. This depends on your own personal view, not her perception of you. So don't try making it look like you're contacting her as an old friend, but internally you're seeking to "win her back". That's deceptive and when (not if) she finds out you've only hurt her more because it's a lie.

 

I have plenty of experience from both sides of this, I've been the one left and the one leaving. I know why I was left because I know why I left others. That is something to reflect on in situations like yours, so have you ever left someone? If yes then why? If she broke your trust, would you just trust her apology? It could be a lie you know. What would it take for someone to regain your trust? I really doubt the answer is flowers, but if you can answer that question you then know exactly what to do.

 

You got to understand you're far far out of "certainty land" here, there's no guarantees regardless of what you do. All I'm doing is improving your chances, not offering an answer that guarantees you'll get her back as no such thing exists.

Edited January 7, 2016 by Grewd

[Grewd]

The short version of this is that you have to make sure that she's with you because she wants to and not because she pities you.

[Popsicle]

I understand that it is probably over and I'm trying to accept it. I'm not giving up on her just because you said "its over, get over it you're an *******" I never said if we got back together how I would fix things because it sounds corny.

 

Here is one thing that keeps me from giving up, my parents dated starting at 19 and broke up at 21 because my dad was caught cheating. They got back together 3 months after. They have been married almost 27 years. My mother told me "when we got back together I accepted he was immature and I could see he changed." Point is my father was immature and I think in those 3 months my dad realized how he screwed up, and I'm feeling the same way.

 

You can tell me to give up and let it go but I have to try, I feel like Ill always wonder "what would of happened if I did try"

 

Sorry if this is going to piss you off. It's just there is no way I'm going down with out a fight. I made this thread to see if it was a good idea/what should I do to win her back not really a "is this relationship screwed or not"

 

Good. You do that.

 

that was great advice, I'm thinking of just giving her space for a while.

 

Remember "Out of sight, out of mind". You should give her some space, but not too much. Plus she will want to know that you are thinking about her.

Edited January 8, 2016 by Popsicle

[Grewd]

Remember "Out of sight, out of mind". You should give her some space, but not too much. Plus she will want to know that you are thinking about her.

Wrong situation for that to work. She already knows he's thinking about her, it would be more significant if he proved her wrong. Him trying to get her back is expected, she obviously doesn't want that. He hurt her, she sure as f*ck won't forget about him because of it.

 

What you suggest works for playing hard to get, but it can only be done if you're already at an advantage which he's not. She's the one with that advantage because he's the one desperate for her, not the other way around.

[Popsicle]

Wrong situation for that to work. She already knows he's thinking about her, it would be more significant if he proved her wrong. Him trying to get her back is expected, she obviously doesn't want that. He hurt her, she sure as f*ck won't forget about him because of it.

 

What you suggest works for playing hard to get, but it can only be done if you're already at an advantage which he's not. She's the one with that advantage because he's the one desperate for her, not the other way around.

 

I have no idea what you're talking about. I think he should keep pursuing her.

[carhill]

OP, in your situation, while up to you about trying to rekindle, I'd pass on the flower part.

 

The only time I ever sent flowers to an ex was when her father died. It wasn't any sort of pursuit, as I was married at the time, rather respect for his passing and the love for him which she shared with me during our time together.

[donvito]

That's actually a very good idea, if you sincerely feel that. I'm happy you ask what will be best for both of you, that's the mindset you must always have when you're with the person you love. If she's not having a good time with you then it won't be best for both of you, it would only be best for you and that's the selfishness that won't work for a good relationship. If she can't be good to you either because of her not trusting you anymore, then what's best for both of you is to end the relationship and thus the reciprocation of bad feelings.

 

By letting her go she will be forced to make a final decision, either she gets back with you or she'll lose you for good. You're also taking a risk which requires real courage and strength, even though you would like her back you love her enough to let her leave if she thinks that will make her happy. She will be more likely to choose you if you respect her decisions even if it goes against what you'd prefer. Do you have any ideas how many guys have tried what you initially suggested and failed horribly just further humiliating themselves? It's so common that women see it as a bad sign, it's desperation, not love.

 

If you do send that message you gotta understand that if she doesn't respond she has decided to lose you, you will have to respect that and bothering her because it bothers you isn't a way of doing that.

 

You may contact her in a few months time though if she doesn't reconsider, but ONLY if you in fact do view her as an old friend. This depends on your own personal view, not her perception of you. So don't try making it look like you're contacting her as an old friend, but internally you're seeking to "win her back". That's deceptive and when (not if) she finds out you've only hurt her more because it's a lie.

 

I have plenty of experience from both sides of this, I've been the one left and the one leaving. I know why I was left because I know why I left others. That is something to reflect on in situations like yours, so have you ever left someone? If yes then why? If she broke your trust, would you just trust her apology? It could be a lie you know. What would it take for someone to regain your trust? I really doubt the answer is flowers, but if you can answer that question you then know exactly what to do.

 

You got to understand you're far far out of "certainty land" here, there's no guarantees regardless of what you do. All I'm doing is improving your chances, not offering an answer that guarantees you'll get her back as no such thing exists.

The short version of this is that you have to make sure that she's with you because she wants to and not because she pities you.

 

 

First thing before I start, I want to thank you for helping me. I don't know a soul in real life to care this much about it and help me as much as you are doing, plus in this society it comes off weak to talk about this stuff to friends.

 

I thought about what I should do, really hard today and that is I want her to want to be with me and by giving her 80$ flowers won't fix it, I feel like the only thing that can fix things is time. I don't want to just put a band aid on something just to be back with her. I want it to be like when we first started dating which was the a great time of in my life. In this time I want to show her I have changed, show that I improved myself, make her feel how she did in the beginning. example of changing: handling things in a mature manner, back to working out, I have quit chewing tobacco for a week now and that not long but Its a start.

 

So this is what I'm going to do exactly and I'm trying not to look at it as a "get my ex back plan" if I expect failure Ill be less hurt, its I just have to give it one more shot.

 

1st Send her a text saying

 

"Hey, just wanted to apologies for how I acted after the break up and treating you so terribly while we were dating. I also want to thank you for having so many great memories and being my best friend. I wish you luck with your life."

 

Someone replied earlier saying "you at a disadvantage by her breaking up with me" but by me sending this text give less of an advantage because I'm saying "I'm moving on you cant have me" am I right?

 

Is there anything I should add? If you think of anything else lmk.

 

When should I send it? If I sent it now I feel like its too early, there are still bad feelings that haven't deflated and maybe sound needy. If I sent it on our would of been 2year anniversary (around 6 weeks after break up) I think it would be a good Idea to send it then because I know that we will be both thinking about each other that day, it will give me an excuse to text her out of the blue and it will show that this is a good day to remember each other.

 

2nd After I send it, I really have no clue what she will say back and or if she says anything at all.

 

If she replies "thanks" or "I appreciate it" something short I won't text back.

If any other reply I will literally pm you or make a thread and try to get advice.

 

 

3rd I'll give it time, enough where I can move on and to feel like I'm not thinking about her all the time. Then out of the blue far from now, give her a text and see if anything goes from there.

 

Last thing that is on my mind, and its similar to mommy and daddy story lol but hear me out.

 

When she broke it off the convo went like this:

Me: whats wrong?

her: I need space

Me: are you breaking up with me?

her: idk, i think

Me how much space do you need

Her:idk a while

me: like how long!

her: about a year, I just want time alone.

Me (I losted it at this point lol)

 

What I'm getting at is her sister and her bf dated for 3 years ---> broke up for a year and they got back together and now there getting married. This is one reason I don't wanna give up.

 

So these are all my questions and final.

 

By send the text gives her less of an advantage?

Should I add anything to the text message?

Do you think her sister/family said "break up with him and be single for awhile and if you feel like you still love him then try again" because I could totally see her sister saying "we went on a break for a year and it was a good thing"

 

thanks again and sorry for it being so long.

[Winterina]

What I'm getting at is her sister and her bf dated for 3 years ---> broke up for a year and they got back together and now there getting married. This is one reason I don't wanna give up.

 

Yes, that is a great "single reason not to give up" because all the couples in the world function in exactly the same way after the break up. Well, not all, but if your sister did it, it must mean it will work for you too because those things are in the genes after all. Jesus!

[Lois_Griffin]

She also did say crying "idk if I could ever get over you" to me 2 weeks before she said " idk what the future holds"

Oh, the drama of 20 year olds. All girls her age make that silly comment that they'll "never get over someone."

 

 

Until she meets the next one. Then HE'S the one she'll never get over.

[Glitters]

FWIW, your words will not matter here. You can write as many messages , put them in all the best ways , it's your actions , intentions and deeds that will matter. You need to go into this only because you love her and want her , no other reason. Those are the only reasons that will bring her back. If she is smart, she will see. These reasons will make your effort genuine because it's coming from heart.

If you see any slight positivity from her, then your challenge will be to maintain it and not fall back into flirting with others. Flirting with others is big no for many , both sexs. Some don't mind because they themselves are doing it.

 

If you want some one to be loyal to you then you too need to be loyal to them.Relationships take work. Sex is a 2 minute quickie!

 

Eta This will either break up you two or bring you closer , depends on how you play it and how willing is she to give you a chance to prove.

Edited January 8, 2016 by Glitters

[Xiomn]

From my experience, which isn't much but nevertheless, If I try to keep contacting my ex (with the obvious intention of trying to get her back) it doesn't end well and further pushes them away, my ex actually threatened me with a restraining order at one point.

Edited January 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[kitty12345]

Duh ! You say you want her to want you ? She wanted you that's why she was with you! You screwed up by bringing other girls in ! The onus is on you to mend it. Dump your female friends.

[wb1988]

I'm probably the only one here that thinks it's a good idea.

 

The flowers will get her attention and will show what you're at least trying; even if she tosses them in the trash it's still worth the risk. The card saying to meetup with a time and place is also pretty romantic, like I myself hate that **** but that was a beautiful idea.

 

Also so you messaged another girl, who cares. You got a little bored, you messaged someone else, it means nothing but you still shouldn't have and you won't do it again — just tell her that when you meetup. Say that you looked elsewhere you were down but instead you should have confided in her instead, just whatever **** to get her to turn around.

 

EDIT: Never mind, I think my advice would only work if you did it the way I would, but you'd probably just mess it up.

Edited January 8, 2016 by wb1988

[katiegrl]

I'm probably the only one here that thinks it's a good idea.

 

The flowers will get her attention and will show what you're at least trying; even if she tosses them in the trash it's still worth the risk. The card saying to meetup with a time and place is also pretty romantic, like I myself hate that **** but that was a beautiful idea.

 

Also so you messaged another girl, who cares. You got a little bored, you messaged someone else, it means nothing but you still shouldn't have and you won't do it again — just tell her that when you meetup. Say that you looked elsewhere you were down but instead you should have confided in her instead, just whatever **** to get her to turn around.

 

EDIT: Never mind, I think my advice would only work if you did it the way I would, but you'd probably just mess it up.

 

It wasn't just the texting though....he admitted he treated her badly throughout most of their relationship ...

 

Also her last series of text messages to him indicate indifference at this point. She sounds completely shut down.

[Popsicle]

First thing before I start, I want to thank you for helping me. I don't know a soul in real life to care this much about it and help me as much as you are doing, plus in this society it comes off weak to talk about this stuff to friends.

 

I thought about what I should do, really hard today and that is I want her to want to be with me and by giving her 80$ flowers won't fix it, I feel like the only thing that can fix things is time. I don't want to just put a band aid on something just to be back with her. I want it to be like when we first started dating which was the a great time of in my life. In this time I want to show her I have changed, show that I improved myself, make her feel how she did in the beginning. example of changing: handling things in a mature manner, back to working out, I have quit chewing tobacco for a week now and that not long but Its a start.

 

So this is what I'm going to do exactly and I'm trying not to look at it as a "get my ex back plan" if I expect failure Ill be less hurt, its I just have to give it one more shot.

 

1st Send her a text saying

 

"Hey, just wanted to apologies for how I acted after the break up and treating you so terribly while we were dating. I also want to thank you for having so many great memories and being my best friend. I wish you luck with your life."

 

Someone replied earlier saying "you at a disadvantage by her breaking up with me" but by me sending this text give less of an advantage because I'm saying "I'm moving on you cant have me" am I right?

 

Is there anything I should add? If you think of anything else lmk.

 

When should I send it? If I sent it now I feel like its too early, there are still bad feelings that haven't deflated and maybe sound needy. If I sent it on our would of been 2year anniversary (around 6 weeks after break up) I think it would be a good Idea to send it then because I know that we will be both thinking about each other that day, it will give me an excuse to text her out of the blue and it will show that this is a good day to remember each other.

 

2nd After I send it, I really have no clue what she will say back and or if she says anything at all.

 

If she replies "thanks" or "I appreciate it" something short I won't text back.

If any other reply I will literally pm you or make a thread and try to get advice.

 

 

3rd I'll give it time, enough where I can move on and to feel like I'm not thinking about her all the time. Then out of the blue far from now, give her a text and see if anything goes from there.

 

Last thing that is on my mind, and its similar to mommy and daddy story lol but hear me out.

 

When she broke it off the convo went like this:

Me: whats wrong?

her: I need space

Me: are you breaking up with me?

her: idk, i think

Me how much space do you need

Her:idk a while

me: like how long!

her: about a year, I just want time alone.

Me (I losted it at this point lol)

 

What I'm getting at is her sister and her bf dated for 3 years ---> broke up for a year and they got back together and now there getting married. This is one reason I don't wanna give up.

 

So these are all my questions and final.

 

By send the text gives her less of an advantage?

Should I add anything to the text message?

Do you think her sister/family said "break up with him and be single for awhile and if you feel like you still love him then try again" because I could totally see her sister saying "we went on a break for a year and it was a good thing"

 

thanks again and sorry for it being so long.

 

I don't think your text is passionate enough. It just sounds like an apology and cordial goodbye. Kind of cold. But the biggest thing is You didn't even ask her to give you another chance. You need to ask and make it clear that you want another chance not be weak and let things drift apart due to no one declaring anything. I believe she wants you to act this way too. You also need to be more emphatic in your remorse of what you did to her. You can not be afraid of rejection, you need to put it all on the line but you act like you are afraid right now and she needs you to be the strong one.

[Grewd]

That text is fine. Don't worry about what you can't know, it doesn't matter what her family told her and it won't help you to know.