Married but broken up recently and still sharing a bed

[turnera]

I'm not going the whole child support route because he is still a dad to them.

 

I am not working, only he is, but I am looking.the thought of needing therapy scares me.

So how are you planning to PAY for an apartment or a home? YOU DON'T WORK! That is what child support is for.

 

And PLEASE don't give me the naive 'oh don't worry, he'll never stop paying our rent.'

 

Yes, he will. As soon as he starts screwing other women and they want his money.

 

And I'm sorry the thought of therapy scares you, but GROW UP. You are an ADULT now and you have a responsibility to care for your children, and you need to ensure that you are strong and smart and able to care for them. A professional therapist will help you come up with a plan to ensure that your BABIES are taken care of. Scared? Too bad. Be the adult that your kids need right now, and get a therapist and go to her and ask her to help you.

[testmeasure]

I don't think child support is the main problem here.

 

First, as I understand it, even if she wanted to legally sign away her right to collect it (like in a prenup), she can't sign it away because child support is for the child. It's something between the state and the child.

 

Second, whether there is or isn't child support is not even an issue till there actually is a divorce.

 

My worst fear has that he has no reason to divorce her. If he wants to play the field for the next decade while coming back to her on the side, he doesn't run into any obstacle till he's 33 and wants to get married to someone else.

 

My understanding is that if he did get divorced, it automatically hands her the ability to go file for support at any point after that in a way that neither of them have the power to prevent or sign away.

 

We have a claim on the table by him that he wants divorce. We have a long history of unhappiness being used for control without anything ever getting fixed or done. Where is his action? He is already setting up dates. Has he talked to an attorney or taken any action on the divorce?

 

The advice is correct. If he is divorcing you, you need to get to an attorney. The attorney can tell you the things you need to be doing to protect your interest and the best interest of the children. And, supposedly there is a tactical advantage to filing first. In principal, in general, as soon as someone says they want a divorce, you should have an attorney. And yes, this also discourages playing psychological games about the threat. It stops him from having his cake and eating it too.

 

To my understanding all of that is correct.

 

Thing is, he's scheduling dates not attorneys. That's not a particularly strong tactical move. Tactically what would you have told the guy? The advice to him probably would have been to talk to an attorney and have everything planned out before telling her. Which is still a scary possibility here but it doesn't seem quite compatible with him starting the dating process.

 

The biggest issue I see here is if that goes on and on and on. The damage from that is far deeper than who files first or whether child support is sought immediately.

 

Seeing an attorney as soon as he told you he wanted a divorce is the right advice. I want to reinforce that.

 

What outcome has the worst possible downside? Hi, I'm 26, my husband has been wanting a divorce for many years. Before that he was unhappy for many years. By the way, it's all my fault.

 

 

 

 

I'm not an attorney. This isn't legal advice. It's opinion or whatever. Regard it as something you read somewhere on the internet, which actually is what it is.

 

 

.

Edited January 14, 2016 by testmeasure

[bretav007]

I hear you all no dates have been set, no paperw filed and he actually said it probably won't happen for a long time.I plan on working and childcare won't be a issue.my rent is pretty low so when I have a job I should be able to cover it

[sandylee1]

One day you will look back on this time regret how naive you were and that you were a doormat. Why isn't he filing for D....rather than arranging dates. He's decided he wants a divorce and is unhappy...so let him do it. Married people don't have girlfriends..... and any decent girl won't get into relationship with him while he still lives with you.

 

Speak to you mom about it... and speak to an attorney and get some individual counselling. You need the last 2 definitely. By not filing.. He's keeping you hanging and it's not helping. It's not fair for you to have to hear of him arranging dates....with other women. I find that emotionally abusive towards a wife that loves him.

 

Get tough or get used..your choice.

[testmeasure]

This is a really tough situation to be in.

 

It is so hard to be in the role of trying to save the family while the other person is slowly turning up the heat and boiling you like a frog.

 

Today I say "save the family". Realistically, until I read the first papers she filed, I was also trying to save the relationship (yes I was trying to recapture the old times, but once it's in black and white for the state it's hard). So for the entire year I talk about trying to save the family I was, in fact, also trying to save the relationship. It's hard for me to experience the taste of that now.

 

So I have to put myself back in that space where I was trying to save the family and the relationship.

 

There is a huge difference between the situation here and mine. I was 100% convinced my situation was terminal. She was threatening to do things now, right now, tomorrow, I'm calling. It was like her hand was constantly hovering over the red launch button. That's not even close to

won't happen for a long time

 

"the button" even if it was pressed - (In my case, in her family there was a history of pushing that button and having it not be "the end of times". In her mind, after the red button was pushed, men recognized they were the ones at fault for everything, fixed themselves and then they got back together. In my case the red launch button may have meant to her "reset under my conditions" as opposed to "end of times". I have a growing gut feeling at this point right now she may be trying to draw me back in, behind her closed doors. So in my case divorce wasn't the end for her. A hand full of times before the divorce, in anger she said "I think the only way to get you to respect me [obey my control?] is to divorce you". I had a hard time processing this, because my thought was if we're divorced how is either of our respect to the other relevant to anything? Point being, in some twisted way, my ex may think she's got me right where she wants, She may even be in the illusion she's controlling me as much as he does here in the current story.)

 

One of my deep down fears was that like the sign that always says "free beer tomorrow", divorce would turn into a permanent ongoing threat.

 

Why is that worse? Why is her not pushing the launch button worse than her pushing it.

 

Eventually at some point, so much fear and anxiety is burned in that you think if you make a single move you will be paid back 10 fold. That's a paralyzing thought. But it mirrors the every day constant experience. Anything you do (or don't do) can and will be used against you.

 

I knew I was in a nightmare. But I was certain that if it continued, she was eventually going to put an end to it. If I was wrong, I would have had to climb a wall of fear to even reach the button. When I mentally explored the "free beer tomorrow" branches of the divorce threat decision tree, I realized that was something I'd eventually have to figure out how to climb a wall of fear and possibly face being paid back 10 fold by the very thing I was most afraid of. That was terrifying and I'm glad I never had to figure out how to do it.

 

Addressing this thread a bit more directly and to the point. WITH ONLY YOUR CHILDEREN IN MIND Go back and read what you yourself posted in this thread. Re-read ALL your posts. Don't read any responses or other peoples posts. If you do, start over again. My challenge, do that, look at your own reach out for help, then tell me honestly, what's in the children's best interest? Based on what you, yourself say, what is in the children's best interest?

 

 

.

Edited January 14, 2016 by testmeasure

[bretav007]

I think the best interest of my children is not pushing for child support.despite all the other bull**** me and their dad are still really close.He is not looking to escape his duties of being a dad,he loves being their dad as I stated we both grew up without one as they passed away when we were young.Filing for child support to me is like a screw you you hurt me now I hurt you.

 

I have been through the whole court system crap when I was younger when the courts appointed my grandma as my legal gaurdian because my mother was mental unfit to parent because of her mental illness.which I state was where some of the abandonment issues come from.I wouldn't and couldn't put my kids through that.To them nothing is going on,we are not arguing or anything like that.

 

I am just focused on my self and improving what I want to do.recently I was gone for 2 days and 2 nights with the kids so he had a taste of how it would be when no friends were around and it was quite.And his words were I miss YOU guys, not I missed the kids.

 

I talked to his mom yesterday for the first time since he told her and she wasn't calling for him but for me.just checking on me and telling me she loves me.I feel closer to his family than my own which she knows.It made me feel happy that she called and basically told me she has my back.And if he ever layed a hand on me she would hurt him lol.She is a real mother figure to me.

 

Will I tell my family no.They will find out in due time and it will be on my time when I know I can brush off the negative and keep it going.It may not be want I want but this situation is having me look at my self to see what I want.(I wrote a lot more but the site signed me out and didn't save it I dont want to retype it)

Edited January 15, 2016 by bretav007

[bretav007]

To try and sum up the rest I wrote I am happy he is open about dating and everything.our break up is not typical it didn't involve cheating or any of the other culprits.I will not pursue child support for my own reasons.recently I was gone from home 2 days and 2 nights and he saw how quite and boring it was without me and the kids there and he missed us not just the kids but me and the kids.we still love each other which he has told me he loves me and would love to be with me.we being together just wasn't working.I am here to vent so that something buids and I do talk to friends and fam .

 

I think the best interest of my children is not pushing for child support.despite all the other bull**** me and their dad are still really close.He is not looking to escape his duties of being a dad,he loves being their dad as I stated we both grew up without one as they passed away when we were young.Filing for child support to me is like a screw you you hurt me now I hurt you.

 

I have been through the whole court system crap when I was younger when the courts appointed my grandma as my legal gaurdian because my mother was mental unfit to parent because of her mental illness.which I state was where some of the abandonment issues come from.I wouldn't and couldn't put my kids through that.To them nothing is going on,we are not arguing or anything like that.

 

I am just focused on my self and improving what I want to do.recently I was gone for 2 days and 2 nights with the kids so he had a taste of how it would be when no friends were around and it was quite.And his words were I miss YOU guys, not I missed the kids.

 

I talked to his mom yesterday for the first time since he told her and she wasn't calling for him but for me.just checking on me and telling me she loves me.I feel closer to his family than my own which she knows.It made me feel happy that she called and basically told me she has my back.And if he ever layed a hand on me she would hurt him lol.She is a real mother figure to me.

 

Will I tell my family no.They will find out in due time and it will be on my time when I know I can brush off the negative and keep it going.It may not be want I want but this situation is having me look at my self to see what I want.(I wrote a lot more but the site signed me out and didn't save it I dont want to retype it)

[turnera]

You are naive, inexperienced, and foolish. Come back in two years and tell us what you've been trying to do to get him to step up and be a responsible dad.

[bretav007]

He is a dad, he provides for his children in every way.He does his duties as a father and hasn't stopped doing them just because of what me and him are going through.you can call naive but I wont let anyone insult him as a father.they have been and always will be his top priority in life

You are naive, inexperienced, and foolish. Come back in two years and tell us what you've been trying to do to get him to step up and be a responsible dad.

[BuddyX]

Be cautious with the Mother in Law. She seems nice, but I read so many instances where "Blood is thicker than water"...

The MIL was extra nice, but in reality she was gathering info and relaying it to her son. Then did a 180 when it came to the court process.

I'm not saying your MIL is like that, but just be cautious.

[turnera]

He is a dad, he provides for his children in every way.He does his duties as a father and hasn't stopped doing them just because of what me and him are going through.you can call naive but I wont let anyone insult him as a father.they have been and always will be his top priority in life

First, do some research about deadbeat dads and the percentage of fathers who, once living away from their kids, become more and more detached, emotionally and financially. It's so common that there's a whole shelf in the bookstore named after it.

 

Second, getting legal child support isn't for YOU, it's for the kids - to keep them from having to live in a lower standard of living once he's out.

 

It hasn't even been a month since he made his declaration and he's still in the same house. Of course he's still loving and supporting.

[sandylee1]

Once he's moved out, has a regular girlfriend and enjoys the single life...... if he's still seeing the kids, doing activities with them, assisting with their school work (when they get older), and ensuring they have what they need.... then yes he will still be a good dad.

 

Well done for getting away with the kids.. that was a good idea. Do it more often if you can.. and also leave the kids with him one weekend and go away to relax. You can schedule a date even 2 months ahead ...give him enough notice to look after the kids... let's hope he doesn't bail out at the last minute.....

 

As you're getting divorced he should also get used to having the kids on his own...without you....

 

Look into single parent support /meet up groups in your area to make new friends and your kids can make friends too. Live your life. Look online to see what's out there. ..... basically prepare for a life as a single parent and when the time comes you'll be able to ace it.

 

As you've said he's a great father ... coparenting shouldn't be too difficult.... at least not while he hasn't got a GF. You'll find it very different once he has a new partner.

[testmeasure]

When my ex first became "unhappy", it was real clear that she was constantly angry enough that there wasn't going to be any functioning romantic relationship. It was clear that part was over.

 

The question was only whether we could work things out enough to where we still lived together and I took care of our daughter while she worked.

 

I was in the mode of trying to do anything I could to keep the family together, so I took whatever path was offered. I ended up living for a year like that.

 

My situation didn't have anyone cheating. But the anger and hostility I had to live with was a couple notches higher than the unhappiness you describe.

 

Offered a similar path, I took it.

 

In hindsight, I'm not sure there was any hope of keeping the family together. So the reason I took that pat ended up being wrong. But I'm not sure if there was any way for me to see that at the time.

 

With hindsight, there were other things that I didn't consider at the time. In my case I actually gained practical value out of it. I got more experience caring for our daughter. I established a track record and history of caring for our daughter. Things that she did during that time that I got to see and experience were certainly no fun for me. But after a year of it, I had a lot to say about her behavior. So when she finally did file and we ended up in court I was in a stronger position to protect my daughter's interest.

 

The point here is. It sounds like you're in a mode of doing anything you can to save the family. You are at the point where this may mean keeping the family together as much as possible even if you lose your relationship with your husband.

 

When your mind is stuck in a mode of desperately trying to save the family, it is very hard to step outside of that and look at whether there is any hope of it working and whether you've reached a point where there is too much downside to trying.

 

If you can't do that, it sounds like there's not going to be a divorce. Which makes any point about support moot.

 

I can't think of anything that would have convinced me to get off the path of trying to keep the family together when I was at the point where it was first clear the relationship was gone.

 

The only thing would have been time and enough bad experience. Things were so bad for so long, at some point, I did realize that if she didn't file for divorce like she was threatening, eventually I would have to.

 

Ultimately, in finishing up putting this down in words here, the thing I have to offer is a description of what you are facing as I experienced it and my understanding of it with hindsight. If that can help you understand something about your own situation, maybe it can help.

 

 

.

Edited January 17, 2016 by testmeasure

[bretav007]

Yeah it does.My first thought is my babies and making sure they feel loved.every saturday since the 31st I stay the night at my grandmother's its not ideal but it gives us space from each other.i haven't went out without the kids yet and don't know when I will be able to.i got a job interview this Friday which is great.it doesn't feel as hostile in the house as before.

 

Last night I made him dinner special for him and he thanked and let me know I didn't have to.i actually think he is shocked that I am handling everything ok besides we I had that melt down.he has been having a hard time at work lately and has been calling to vent to me about it.which is funny because the other night I told him if he needs to he can vent to me, his response was he sees no reason to vent.He doesn't realize he has been lately.

 

Weirdly last night he felt like he had to explain why I hear his text sound go off so much.i had wondered but never mentioned it as it wasn't my business.i still now let him know I support him and love him and he lets me know.Last night we snuggled and boy I slept great.right before we went to sleep he told me he loves me.

 

When he got home from work yesterday he said how if one of us moves the other has to move near each other.not meaning be neighbors but like close for the kids.i find my self wondering if he truly wants to be a part or just needed time to find himself.either way I know what I want in life and will make sure I take care of my needs so I never lose my self again.being a mom and wife I put my self on the back burner and now its my year.my daughter will be starting school, we share a bday so we both will be a year old.and my bab y boy will be in preschool.

 

This year will have new beginnings for me.whether later in the year we are together or not.i will kept my head held high and not let anyone bring me down again.

When my ex first became "unhappy", it was real clear that she was constantly angry enough that there wasn't going to be any functioning romantic relationship. It was clear that part was over.

 

The question was only whether we could work things out enough to where we still lived together and I took care of our daughter while she worked.

 

I was in the mode of trying to do anything I could to keep the family together, so I took whatever path was offered. I ended up living for a year like that.

 

My situation didn't have anyone cheating. But the anger and hostility I had to live with was a couple notches higher than the unhappiness you describe.

 

Offered a similar path, I took it.

 

In hindsight, I'm not sure there was any hope of keeping the family together. So the reason I took that pat ended up being wrong. But I'm not sure if there was any way for me to see that at the time.

 

With hindsight, there were other things that I didn't consider at the time. In my case I actually gained practical value out of it. I got more experience caring for our daughter. I established a track record and history of caring for our daughter. Things that she did during that time that I got to see and experience were certainly no fun for me. But after a year of it, I had a lot to say about her behavior. So when she finally did file and we ended up in court I was in a stronger position to protect my daughter's interest.

 

The point here is. It sounds like you're in a mode of doing anything you can to save the family. You are at the point where this may mean keeping the family together as much as possible even if you lose your relationship with your husband.

 

When your mind is stuck in a mode of desperately trying to save the family, it is very hard to step outside of that and look at whether there is any hope of it working and whether you've reached a point where there is too much downside to trying.

 

If you can't do that, it sounds like there's not going to be a divorce. Which makes any point about support moot.

 

I can't think of anything that would have convinced me to get off the path of trying to keep the family together when I was at the point where it was first clear the relationship was gone.

 

The only thing would have been time and enough bad experience. Things were so bad for so long, at some point, I did realize that if she didn't file for divorce like she was threatening, eventually I would have to.

 

Ultimately, in finishing up putting this down in words here, the thing I have to offer is a description of what you are facing as I experienced it and my understanding of it with hindsight. If that can help you understand something about your own situation, maybe it can help.

 

 

.

[StandingO]

Without going into details of all the reason my marriage fell apart came down to a few things. I wanted intimacy, and to enjoy the relationship (each other as we did in the beginning). Having kids can change the relationship.

Even if subtle over time. Don't get me wrong kids are a blessing to have in our lives. Our marriage relationship slowly took a back seat, we don't see it happening but it is and this is the mistake most of us fall into. Pressures from a heavy demanding working life were a factor too. She had increased mood swings, her negative side became very dominate. She seem to lose her interest in sex but also was her inner issues with intimacy, and communicating. Post depression I thought. She needed help in these areas of which counselling may of helped. She refused and stuck her head in the sand. If she communicated and tried to put in the effort I would have continued in the relationship. It just got worse. In my case I did not jump to another woman but often people fall to temptation at these times. Finding the grass is not always greener on the other side.

 

Sometimes we are not truly compatable in the relationship thus it is at a greater risk of a shorter life span. Even though at one time you were madly in love. This was a factor in my situation

 

It is probably is much more complicated then him going through a phase. It wasn't about a phase for me but more about behaviour changes.

[sandylee1]

Does your husband ever actually look after the kids by himself for any length of time? Not just you popping to the store. Because quite often I find the husband still goes out with friends when kiddies come along and many wives never do.

 

 

As such they have little patience with the kids and don't actually know the kids as well as they think they do. They've no idea what foods they dislike, what their favourite toys are or anything of that nature.

 

Getting divorced actually means these kind of dad's actually have to do some parenting.. All on their own. That's getting food for the kids... bathing ...dressing them. .. All things many dads don't do much of. That scares the hell out them .... but they'd never admit it.

 

The kids end up being like a handbag to their mom. Hopefully your husband would be okay with all their needs for his visitation time. Being a good dad isn't just about playing with the kids..and providing for them.

 

Or perhaps he's waiting till they get older before he divorces you and they can do most of these things themselves.

 

Staying away on Saturdays is good. Next step is leaving the kids with him. Make 2016 about you.....

[bretav007]

Yes he has stayed with the kids we switched roles once and I was the provider for 6 months while he was home everyday with the kids and he loved being with them ge just wanted to contribute to financials because he felt bad only I was working.

Tonight we talked more and he told me he loves me ands wants to be with me but,which I do agree on it would be unhealthy for us at this point so we are creating that boundary for now.we got married young and started a family young, didn't have any time to just be married and that hurt our marriage.

We both need time to grow and nuture ourselves because if we don't love and care for ourselves we can't be our best self for anyone.as I said we are still a family full of love for each other.we both have faults.he doesn't want to go out and party and be a idiot.He wants normalcy and happiness.in the beginning I was saying why me but I should have to said this is what we need.a break we both had no life outside our marriage it suffocated us to the point of self destruction.Now we are thinking with both our hearts and mind we love each other so much that we want the best for each other and us together at this moment in life alll thing considered woluld breed hate.

 

His mom my mother n law she is my mother she wants the best for us.she isnt one of those ones that will say onething and go back and say something to her son.I am the daughter she never had.she loves me and would do anything for me.

 

If he does date yes it will hurt, and it will hurt him as well because his heart isn't there its with me.I know it may sound stupid or weird but he is my husband I know him better than anyone.His dating is so he can put up a wall for his self because if he doesn't he would say lets get back together then the whole cycle would start again.

 

He grew up fast so he is very mature mentally he thinks about everything and puts his self in other people's shoes.Right now he is hurting because he misses his family he is always working a lot of the times it is 10hrs they work him like a slave and he cant juat quit because we need his job to remain afloat.

 

Tonight was hard on him he talked more to his mom and she was balling on the phone because of our situation and telling him not to be stupid and have anyother girls babies because they are not me .

 

Maybe a year from now after we both grow up and things will be as they should be,but as I said regardless we love each other and will remain best friends even if the lovers part never comes back.

[sandylee1]

That's great that he can look after the kids on his own then. You're right...you both need time to mature and explore the world....take time to find yourselves and what you ultimately want out of life.

 

 

Good luck with everything .

[bretav007]

Thanks for the support.we are doing good right now and having open communication and spending family time and alone time.we still say I love you and kiss the love its there we just need to grow so that in the future if we decided to get back together we wouldn't fall back into the cycle.he tells me that he loves me and would ditch friends in a heart beat for our family.

[happyman64]

Breta

Your H has a lot of growing up to do.

 

If he truly loved you he would have made a counseling appointment for both of you to see if the marriage could work.

 

Instead he asked for a divorce.

 

So wake up girl.

 

Speak to an attorney. Protect yourself and your kids.

 

Because people change after divorce. Especially when they meet significant others.

 

Stop thinking you two might get back together later on down the road.

 

Because I hope if you two do divorce that you find someone else that loves you and your girls unconditionally.

 

You deserve it.

 

Now use your heart a little less and your head a little more.

 

And show your H that you are not a chump. If you leave all the decisions to him he will make decisions that are best for him. Not you or the kids.

 

He is in fact already doing that.....

 

HM

[bretav007]

I only have one daughter.and I am not thinking we are getting back together.as a said I don't have the typical end of relationship between us.we are becoming really great friends again which mind you is great FOR my kids,the closer me and their father is the better it is for them because the will have him in their lives without the crappy arguments.He has “dated" one girl for all of 8 seconds.they didn't go out or meet up just texted and he said he will be bluntly honest which she took as he is a He doesn't care about dating or girls partying or any of that.He and I want to mature and are taking a break in our relationship.

Lots of you say I am being naive but as I said do movement what so ever has been made to divorce.He has said he wants to be with me but is afraid of the cycle starting again.that doesn't sound like someone who wants a divorce,but like someone who is trying to figure out whats best for their family.

Which is why we haven't gotten back together.we need to focus on ourselves maturing into the person we are.Our kids are not taking a backseat to anything,they are loved by mommy and daddy and see mom and dad hug each other and laugh,which is better than what it was.

He is a great father as I stated, and he did a lot of sweet things for me while we were together like surprising me with lobster dinner and making me a nice bubble bath with bath salts.

He can be a great husband just our relationship problems was taking away from what we love about each other and replacing it with annoyances that we didn't like.

I already feel a change in my self, I am making sure I take care of my self so that I am happy

[bretav007]

Had my first night out with out the babies.dinner and a drink with my gal pal.plus I am staying the night.and omg I have been having a mild case of insomnia all week, just waking up and in hot sweats then fall back to sleep.right now I am at her house and can't sleep.went to sleep for 4 hrs and now I feel wide awake.

 

Me and the hubby are doing great he is my best friend.just telling my gal pal everything she says it seems like you guys are just taking a break to grow and mature because we still act like a couple.we hug,and kiss,and are intimate not every day though...I mean we still snuggle every night and I wake up to him rubbing on me almost often.

 

This isn't me saying we are getting back together or anything it just feels like the disconnect that was there is basically gone.whats funny is he is talking about buying funiture for the house but it you read my previous post he wants to move out.

 

He is a great guy just give a example he says he with taxes I want you to open your own bank account and I will take you off mine and whatever I get paid I will give you a little less than half to put in your account.

[MJJean]

Had my first night out with out the babies.dinner and a drink with my gal pal.plus I am staying the night.and omg I have been having a mild case of insomnia all week, just waking up and in hot sweats then fall back to sleep.right now I am at her house and can't sleep.went to sleep for 4 hrs and now I feel wide awake.

 

Me and the hubby are doing great he is my best friend.just telling my gal pal everything she says it seems like you guys are just taking a break to grow and mature because we still act like a couple.we hug,and kiss,and are intimate not every day though...I mean we still snuggle every night and I wake up to him rubbing on me almost often.

 

This isn't me saying we are getting back together or anything it just feels like the disconnect that was there is basically gone.whats funny is he is talking about buying funiture for the house but it you read my previous post he wants to move out.

 

He is a great guy just give a example he says he with taxes I want you to open your own bank account and I will take you off mine and whatever I get paid I will give you a little less than half to put in your account.

 

Umm, so, you still live together, still sleep together, still kiss and cuddle and still have sex.

 

When, exactly, is this break going to happen?

 

You can't "get back together" if you've been together the whole time. Labeling yourselves "on a break" while living day to day life as a couple makes absolutely zero sense. Words are meaningless. Actions matter.

 

It sounds like "taking a break" means pretending you're separated for purposes of personal growth, except that you actually aren't separated and are still living life day to day as a married couple. Which means you're still in each others pockets and aren't leaving any room for that personal growth.

[testmeasure]

The guy is getting to experience personal growth. He is about to start dating. But he doesn't want to get divorced anytime soon either. It's complicated. The relationship wasn't healthy anymore either. She is willing to do anything to keep the family together, including this new arrangement. As long as she is willing to do absolutely anything to keep the family together, it is what it is.

Edited January 29, 2016 by testmeasure

[testmeasure]

It sounds good that you're doing stuff just for you. Having friends and spending time with them is important.

 

The financial arrangements he is proposing may not have much meaning while you are married. Probably all the money is "joint" money regardless of who's account it's put in. So, you can put half in an account for him and half in an account for you, but if one of you spends all theirs, they could still end up with half of the other person's unspent dollars. There are ways to sign documents that could separate finances during marriage, but to make it stick you'd need a lawyer to set it up.

 

Has it occurred to you that any debt he runs up, you could be responsible for half of it?