How dating is suppose to be ?

[Leigh 87]

But what if you or him, meet a person with whom you DO have magnetic chemistry with?

 

How do you think he will deal with the fact that he wasn't enamoured and you weren't feeling electric Chemistry? Eventually, won't you both meet people who you do have a more intense exchange with?

 

I have always been curious about the relationships that do not start out with the whole " eyes met accross the room" instant thing.... because wheb there is a special instant connection and Chemistry, there is always that strong sense of " they are the one, this is it".

 

In absense of the initial magic, I would feel bad when I did encounter men with whom I shared more of a "spark" withm because naturally, instinctively, the people with the most " spark" tend to be the people we have the capacity to be the most crazy about and feel are " right " for us in our guts.

 

Won't you feel ripped off when you sight a man who you instantly feel the compulsion to know? The connection, as opposed to growing to be into someone?

 

Just curious.

[MissBee]

But what if you or him, meet a person with whom you DO have magnetic chemistry with?

 

How do you think he will deal with the fact that he wasn't enamoured and you weren't feeling electric Chemistry? Eventually, won't you both meet people who you do have a more intense exchange with?

 

I have always been curious about the relationships that do not start out with the whole " eyes met accross the room" instant thing.... because wheb there is a special instant connection and Chemistry, there is always that strong sense of " they are the one, this is it".

 

In absense of the initial magic, I would feel bad when I did encounter men with whom I shared more of a "spark" withm because naturally, instinctively, the people with the most " spark" tend to be the people we have the capacity to be the most crazy about and feel are " right " for us in our guts.

 

Won't you feel ripped off when you sight a man who you instantly feel the compulsion to know? The connection, as opposed to growing to be into someone?

 

Just curious.

 

As one grows you realize that chemistry is sometimes a code-word for you hitting it off at the level of your issues, where it's not necessarily an innocent synergy but that the "instant fireworks" spells trouble.

 

That's been my experience, so I am no longer fooled into thinking that instant chemistry is the marker of anything deep, spiritual or special.

 

I have been there and done that and often times we weren't even a good match and I had so much anxiety. It wasn't sustainable. I would much rather what Gaeta is discussing than living off the high of chemistry that can mean so many things and isn't necessarily always healthy.

[bluestealth]

Of course but it took a few dates for me to feel that excitement.

 

It was not there at first. After our first date I had a series of negative critics - he's too tall, too thin, hair too long - not sure I like him.

 

I was not turned off but my breath was not taken away physical wise. Character wise I could not find one thing negative to say.

 

Then we went on a few dates and more I was with him more I liked him, more I was looking forward to hear from him and see him. When I see his name on my phone I drop everything to take his call and I am filled with joy. - how do you call that?

 

Eventually we were intimate, we have great sexual chemistry and that definitely had a role in something switching in me.

 

 

I just had a first date with a girl from OLD last night. I met her for ice cream, which she absolutely loved the idea of, and we talked for about 2.5 hours. I thought it went pretty good. She's the best prospect on paper I've ever met. She seemed to be agreeable to go out again after Christmas. After the date I sent her a message saying that I had a wonderful time and that I looked forward to seeing her again. She read the message but never responded which is a first for her. I wish she had your mindset Gaeta about giving things at least 3 dates, so is there anything I can say to persuade her to give things more of a chance?

[Gaeta]

But what if you or him, meet a person with whom you DO have magnetic chemistry with?

 

Did you read the part where I said we have sexual chemistry? Where I said I think about him all the time? Where I said I am proud to stand by his side now? That is a connection being built and slowly being strengthen.

 

How do you think he will deal with the fact that he wasn't enamoured and you weren't feeling electric Chemistry? Eventually, won't you both meet people who you do have a more intense exchange with?

Did you read the part where I said enamored feelings and electric chemistry don't necessary appear on a 1st date but slowly build over time? What I am experiencing at this moment, thinking about him, feeling happiness when I see his name, looking forward to see him, losing all interest for other men around, what do you call that? Isn't that growing enamored?

 

I have always been curious about the relationships that do not start out with the whole " eyes met accross the room" instant thing.... because wheb there is a special instant connection and Chemistry, there is always that strong sense of " they are the one, this is it".

Maybe you watch too much chick flicks?

 

Won't you feel ripped off when you sight a man who you instantly feel the compulsion to know? The connection, as opposed to growing to be into someone?

 

How long do you think it takes for people to grow into each other? If I don't fall in love with this man within a reasonable time like 3 to 6 months I will not pursue it.

 

The objective is 'falling in love'. There is more than 1 road to 'being in love'.

 

You prefer the fast road and I am choosing the slower road but we will both end up at the same place 'being in love'. Do you understand that part? Growing into love or falling into love is the same love. The love you'd give your life for.

 

We are not talking settling here. We're talking taking different roads to obtain the same result.

Edited December 21, 2015 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

I just had a first date with a girl from OLD last night. I met her for ice cream, which she absolutely loved the idea of, and we talked for about 2.5 hours. I thought it went pretty good. She's the best prospect on paper I've ever met. She seemed to be agreeable to go out again after Christmas. After the date I sent her a message saying that I had a wonderful time and that I looked forward to seeing her again. She read the message but never responded which is a first for her. I wish she had your mindset Gaeta about giving things at least 3 dates, so is there anything I can say to persuade her to give things more of a chance?

 

 

No not really. She just has to come to her own realization on her own. I have been online close to 4 years and I did everything wrong under the sun before slowing down and thinking outside the box.

 

Weren't you dating someone??

[katiegrl]

First off to Gaeta....yay! I am so happy for you! Fingers crossed feelings continue to grow, that you fall in love....and of course live happily ever after! (okay getting ahead of myself here....but good luck).

 

To Leigh.... my sense is that Gaeta does feel all those feelings YOU feel instantaneously. Infatuation, feeling enamored, etc.

 

She just didn't experience those feelings on the FIRST date.... it took her 3-4 dates.... which is still pretty quick in the grand scheme of things.

 

I think it's sad that many people so readily dismiss someone if they don't feel that spark on date one.

 

I realize I used to be this way myself...... but once I get over the sudden and recent end of my relationship, and am ready to start dating again.... I will give dating (and men) more of a chance and NOT dismiss so quickly.

 

Again, good luck Gaeta!

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I met someone

 

I don't have any story of love at first sight or raging sexual attraction. I did not even know if I liked him 'that way' after our first date. He was interesting, articulate, well put together so I gave it a try.

 

He took me out on wonderful dates and treated me like a lady. Never any pressure to take me home and never invited himself over. He complimented me but never went overboard with it. He was keeping in touch each day with phone calls, not texting.

 

With every date I started liking him more and more. Over the course of 4-5 dates it went from I don't think I like him to thinking about him all the time.

 

He is so kind and attentive but in a NORMAL way. It's so refreshing and enjoyable.

 

I don't have any worries, anxiety, fear or stress about it. Everything unfolds naturally with no efforts.

 

To all of you out there looking - I truly believe this is how dating is suppose to be.

 

Best luck and best wishes, I hope you get what you deserve,

A shot a peaceful love without shenanigans that border on the absurd,

The way you describe him, it's evident how you really feel,

Onward with your happiness, and your relationship will hopefully seal!

[bluestealth]

No not really. She just has to come to her own realization on her own. I have been online close to 4 years and I did everything wrong under the sun before slowing down and thinking outside the box.

 

Weren't you dating someone??

 

Yeah I had a 4 month relationship but it ended about a month ago. It was for the best that it ended.

 

I've only met with 5 different women from OLD and I can't say I've ever had that magical spark from the first meeting but I've always wanted to see them multiple times to give things a chance. It's a shame most people online won't do this because they are throwing away something potentially special. I'm a nice guy and will spoil anyone I'm with. I'm athletic, good looking, and financially better off than 99% of people yet it still feels like I'm not good enough for most girls online. It's like they're pursuing perfection or something or have this grass is always greener syndrome. Is this the case with dating offline too?

 

Congrats on meeting someone and taking the right approach to dating.

[Gaeta]

It's like they're pursuing perfection or something or have this grass is always greener syndrome. Is this the case with dating offline too?

 

Congrats on meeting someone and taking the right approach to dating.

 

Yes you are on to something. Even people with the best of intention will fall in the 'what if I can find someone better', and that includes me.

 

After my 3rd date with this man I went in my dating profile and there was a message from a very handsome man and I went wow! and for a minute I considered answering him. Then my friend's words kept popping up in my head 'When you find someone nice stop looking for better' and instead of replying to the hot guy I took down my pictures and logged out. I have not gone in my profile since.

 

The greener grass is a trap and anyone can fall in it.

[katiegrl]

Yes you are on to something. Even people with the best of intention will fall in the 'what if I can find someone better', and that includes me.

 

After my 3rd date with this man I went in my dating profile and there was a message from a very handsome man and I went wow! and for a minute I considered answering him. Then my friend's words kept popping up in my head 'When you find someone nice stop looking for better' and instead of replying to the hot guy I took down my pictures and logged out. I have not gone in my profile since.

 

The greener grass is a trap and anyone can fall in it.

 

Yes I think that, instead of the "grass is greener syndrome" we should all try and adopt, what I like to refer to as the "standing still syndrome."

 

Let's all try and stand still with one person for awhile..... in an effort to see where it will lead.

 

We are all so restless, and in a hurry to find that "spark," that "chemistry," that "click" .....that we easily dismiss someone on the first date (or even before the first date sometimes) who might, just might, turn out to be, if we just gave it a chance, our soul mate! Or we juggle several (i.e. multi-dating), becoming confused and ambivalent about our feelings for any of them!

 

This is going to be my new philosophy going into 2016 (once I am ready to start dating again....which could be awhile).

Edited December 21, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Yes I think that, instead of the "grass is greener syndrome" we should all try and adopt, what I like to refer to as the "standing still syndrome."

 

Let's all try and stand still with one person for awhile..... in an effort to see where it will lead.

 

We are all so restless, and in a hurry to find that "spark," that "chemistry," that "click" .....that we easily dismiss someone on the first date (or even before the first date sometimes) who might, just might, turn out to be, if we just gave it a chance, our soul mate! Or we juggle several (i.e. multi-dating), becoming confused and ambivalent about our feelings for any of them!

 

This is going to be my new philosophy going into 2016 (once I am ready to start dating again....which could be awhile).

 

That's an eye opener post Katie !! I hope lots of people will read it and feel how much wisdom there is in it.

[Leigh 87]

First off to Gaeta....yay! I am so happy for you! Fingers crossed feelings continue to grow, that you fall in love....and of course live happily ever after! (okay getting ahead of myself here....but good luck).

 

To Leigh.... my sense is that Gaeta does feel all those feelings YOU feel instantaneously. Infatuation, feeling enamored, etc.

 

She just didn't experience those feelings on the FIRST date.... it took her 3-4 dates.... which is still pretty quick in the grand scheme of things.

 

I think it's sad that many people so readily dismiss someone if they don't feel that spark on date one.

 

I realize I used to be this way myself...... but once I get over the sudden and recent end of my relationship, and am ready to start dating again.... I will give dating (and men) more of a chance and NOT dismiss so quickly.

 

Again, good luck Gaeta!

 

 

The longest it took me to feel giddy was 2 dates. And happened just once. I did try Gaetas approach. With loooots of men........and yeah, I just never grew to feel amazing chemistry or a spark with the men I wasn't sparking with off the bat. To the contrary, my ex and I sparked immediately but then I lost the spark for him quite quickly. Because he was an annoying bastard, LOL. And tight a s s of the century.

 

Sigh. I will tell you why I caution some people in Gaetas position: with me, the times I allowed myself to bypass the fireworks and instant sparks, later down the track (months ) into the "relationship ", I would encounter someone who I shared mutual magic with..... and I'd be resentful that I didn't feel that raw passion with my partner I would also look back at my most passionate flings with sadness and I would wish that I felt that raging attraction for the mediocre sparks men.

 

I guess we are all wired differently; I either feel the instant magic or it rarely ever comes later with me. However, I HAVE grown very attracted without the fireworks. I never had fireworks with my ex ex, however, I did grow crazy about him. Minus the "click" though. . There was just something "missing " for us both. I grew to be passionate for that ex but still not the same level as the sizzling chemistry guys.

 

I think it'll be fine if the guy felt the magic for Gaeta; men fall in love differently to women...if they aren't infatuated or enamoured and feeling the sparks at first glance, men seldom ever feel it at all.

 

I am super curious as to how these types of relationships work out....and will definitely be following Gaeta.

 

 

 

 

 

.

[No_Go]

Congrats Gaeta! How long have you been seeing each other?

 

From what you describe sounds like someone that you can build a sustainable relationship with. Someone that will complement you, you will have great time with and not burn you out. I don't know if that's what dating is supposed to be (your original question), but it sounds great, especially after all your stories with weird birds getting "in love" in the second you meet (realistic, right )

 

Enjoy!

 

I met someone

 

I don't have any story of love at first sight or raging sexual attraction. I did not even know if I liked him 'that way' after our first date. He was interesting, articulate, well put together so I gave it a try.

 

He took me out on wonderful dates and treated me like a lady. Never any pressure to take me home and never invited himself over. He complimented me but never went overboard with it. He was keeping in touch each day with phone calls, not texting.

 

With every date I started liking him more and more. Over the course of 4-5 dates it went from I don't think I like him to thinking about him all the time.

 

He is so kind and attentive but in a NORMAL way. It's so refreshing and enjoyable.

 

I don't have any worries, anxiety, fear or stress about it. Everything unfolds naturally with no efforts.

 

To all of you out there looking - I truly believe this is how dating is suppose to be.

[SweetCharity]

Aw, good for you! You go Glen Coco!

[Gaeta]

I think it'll be fine if the guy felt the magic for Gaeta; men fall in love differently to women...if they aren't infatuated or enamoured and feeling the sparks at first glance, men seldom ever feel it at all.

 

I am super curious as to how these types of relationships work out....and will definitely be following Gaeta.

 

I cannot speak for the man I am seeing, only for myself but, after our 2nd date he told me he was thinking about me all the time and he's always asking me when we can spend time together. Each time we have a date when we part he asks me when he can see me again. I think in his case he felt it quickly.

 

Leigh: You have to concentrate on where you want to go and less on how you will get there. My last long-term ex I didn't feel any spark when I met him, we grew in love. When our relationship ended 4 years later it was like a trip down to hell for me and it took me a few years to get over him. I would have given my life for him in a heartbeat. Isn't it the kind of love you want to obtain? To me it sounds more like you're not thinking long term, you're thinking of experiencing a thrill and nothing afterward.

[No_Go]

Leigh, what you describe is very familiar.

 

I'm thinking on this topic a lot recently.

 

The "magic" you describe, let's call it infatuation, indeed do appear instantly or it never does, in my experience. I had it real strong once, 2-3 more times a bit weaker. This over the course of 31 years!

 

So I analyzed when it happened to me, and with what kind of men (I searched for commonalities):

1) (most important) every time I was in advance (prior to the meet) in an elevated emotional state (job / school changes, losing loved ones etc);

2) they were mirroring my current emotional state (i was madly infatuated with an workaholic when switching careers myself, musician when experiencing a loss etc)

3) I allowed plenty of time to fantasize about them (eg is it going to happen despite the obstacles, will they still pursue me despite my initial coldness etc)

 

So I think what you describe is not really a magic that happens with a specific person, but a schema occurring when the three of the above (elevated emotions + mirroring + fantasizing) coincide in time.

 

I'm not sure if I explain myself but if so, I'm curious about your opinion, since I'm building this as a case study for myself.

 

The longest it took me to feel giddy was 2 dates. And happened just once. I did try Gaetas approach. With loooots of men........and yeah, I just never grew to feel amazing chemistry or a spark with the men I wasn't sparking with off the bat. To the contrary, my ex and I sparked immediately but then I lost the spark for him quite quickly. Because he was an annoying bastard, LOL. And tight a s s of the century.

 

Sigh. I will tell you why I caution some people in Gaetas position: with me, the times I allowed myself to bypass the fireworks and instant sparks, later down the track (months ) into the "relationship ", I would encounter someone who I shared mutual magic with..... and I'd be resentful that I didn't feel that raw passion with my partner I would also look back at my most passionate flings with sadness and I would wish that I felt that raging attraction for the mediocre sparks men.

 

I guess we are all wired differently; I either feel the instant magic or it rarely ever comes later with me. However, I HAVE grown very attracted without the fireworks. I never had fireworks with my ex ex, however, I did grow crazy about him. Minus the "click" though. . There was just something "missing " for us both. I grew to be passionate for that ex but still not the same level as the sizzling chemistry guys.

 

I think it'll be fine if the guy felt the magic for Gaeta; men fall in love differently to women...if they aren't infatuated or enamoured and feeling the sparks at first glance, men seldom ever feel it at all.

 

I am super curious as to how these types of relationships work out....and will definitely be following Gaeta.

 

 

 

 

 

.

[clia]

I met someone

 

I don't have any story of love at first sight or raging sexual attraction. I did not even know if I liked him 'that way' after our first date. He was interesting, articulate, well put together so I gave it a try.

 

He took me out on wonderful dates and treated me like a lady. Never any pressure to take me home and never invited himself over. He complimented me but never went overboard with it. He was keeping in touch each day with phone calls, not texting.

 

With every date I started liking him more and more. Over the course of 4-5 dates it went from I don't think I like him to thinking about him all the time.

 

He is so kind and attentive but in a NORMAL way. It's so refreshing and enjoyable.

 

I don't have any worries, anxiety, fear or stress about it. Everything unfolds naturally with no efforts.

 

To all of you out there looking - I truly believe this is how dating is suppose to be.

 

In my opinion, this is exactly how dating is supposed to be. The no worries, anxiety, fear or stress about it is HUGE. He's dependable (right?), calls when he says he's going to call, is making plans to see you again, etc. No stress or anxiety. You aren't wondering why you haven't heard from him, when you are going to see him again, etc. That's exactly how it was when I started dating my husband. It's wonderful!

 

I'm really happy for you, Gaeta!

[No_Go]

Also to add on to the discussion magic vs peace in romantic relationships, the two are actually separate entities imo and serve their roles in different points of life. I'm guessing that the actual hormanal changes in the body are also totally different for the two love responses, we just happen to define them both as 'love' which causes a lot of confusion.

[Leigh 87]

I cannot speak for the man I am seeing, only for myself but, after our 2nd date he told me he was thinking about me all the time and he's always asking me when we can spend time together. Each time we have a date when we part he asks me when he can see me again. I think in his case he felt it quickly.

 

Leigh: You have to concentrate on where you want to go and less on how you will get there. My last long-term ex I didn't feel any spark when I met him, we grew in love. When our relationship ended 4 years later it was like a trip down to hell for me and it took me a few years to get over him. I would have given my life for him in a heartbeat. Isn't it the kind of love you want to obtain? To me it sounds more like you're not thinking long term, you're thinking of experiencing a thrill and nothing afterward.

 

Interesting.

 

My ex ex I made threads about on here from 2011 to 2013, didn't start with a spark. In fact, he wasn't that into me. I grew to be passionate about him but it was NEVER as intense and it NEVER felt AS good as the men I sparked with immediately. ......

 

I have tried the approach your taking. I really have. I have given men that were perfect on paper a chance for multiple dates! Men who I was NOT repulsed by I may add! It always ended in tears; when I felt no motivation to date them anymore. I am an introvert and prefer sitting online learning about strangers the world over, than having to drag myself out. I also have a limited capacity to feel romance. I either need MASSIVE sparks and amazing chemistry or else I struggle to feel anything at all and prefer to be alone.

 

The thing is.....I had true sparks and instant Chemistry with my first boyfriend when I was 17 to 21..... and ever since, even the men I gave MANY dates to SANS spark, they never ever were on my mind all the time the way the higher chemistry guy was.

 

After 10 years I am now living with my boyfriend in a relationship that was cool calm and stress and anxiety free at the start. That also began withinstant magic. It was just very special, that first glance. It is amazing when you first start talking and just know something is there from the outset. .....

 

But it's taken me ten years to find the ground breaking chemistry without the anxiety, drama and "who likes who more " confusion. Ten years. And I am 29 and slim and have the bodytype that attract men daily, far more than the average woman ( I am a magnet for high chemistry ) and yet STILL, it took me TEN years to find this drama free 10/10 chemistry again.

 

Furthermore, my partner and I believe soul mates and twin flames. I believe in destiny and fate. As does my boyfriend. We BOTH always *knew* that when we met the right person, that it would just feel the way it was *supposed* to feel. Both him and I just didn't ever have that special feeling of * this person is the One" before. And in absense of the initial spark and magic, neither my boyfriend nor I EVER felt super passionately. We just didn't, even when we gave people many dates.....

 

I guess what I am getting at is: being very attracted and getting along very well with a compatible and available person is just not enough for people like my boyfriend and I. We both need the magic. Or else neither of us have EVER *grown * to feel this intensely for a partner with whom we by passed the instant zing with.

 

We also noticed that we both feel wayyyyy more passionately sexually for one another than we did our ex partners. The level of attraction we both feel is so out of this world......

Could we have been THIS into and attracted to a person that we didn't seriously spark with ? Our individual experiences show us NO.

 

Trust me, I also need it to be drama free and easy at the start. I also need rhe fireworks and 10/10 chemistry too. To find that passion with an available person where there are no games or unequal sharing of feelings is rare. So rare that no one holds out for the magic anymore. So it's actually very relieving to know that some people can feel equally as ....intensely and posses the exact same sort of feelings for a *slow burner* than as they did for an instant butterflies guy.......

 

 

 

 

The main difference between people like me and the majority is: I have never craved a relationship. I have always craved that FEELING that happens to sometimes coincide with a relationship.

 

I yearned for the passion and raging desire and "in love " feeling.

 

I never longed to have a partner persay. I was sincle for years at a time without wanting a "partner ".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think it's interesting to observe how there is no one way fits all approach to dating.

 

I am delighted that Gaeta FINALLY found someone that seems promising!

[Leigh 87]

Also to add on to the discussion magic vs peace in romantic relationships, the two are actually separate entities imo and serve their roles in different points of life. I'm guessing that the actual hormanal changes in the body are also totally different for the two love responses, we just happen to define them both as 'love' which causes a lot of confusion.

 

 

 

Gaeta is saying that she DOES have that same magic that usually happens instantly.

 

I found this a challenge to my beliefs because the strongest magic and the deepest " in love" feelings I've felt have all been tied to the instant lightening bolt.

 

Twice in my 12 years of dating have I experienced the magic AND peace.

 

The 3 other times I felt the magic, it was drama filled and the men were totally unavailable. .......

 

AND to further complicate matters, I too have grown passionate and *crazy* about men in total absense of the *spark nonsense*. Lol! Yet it was not as intense as the natural innate chemistry that manifests itself immediately. .........

 

Gatea is different in that she can feel the total magic in absese of fireworks. She BECOMES infatuated.

 

I believe Gatea could be in the minority; most people tend to either fall head over heels and fall hard and fast, or they don't at all........

[No_Go]

See my post 41 and if you want, evaluate if your two experiences of magic match on the three points.

 

I believe anyone can feel the magic with anyone by generating the 3 conditions that I'm describing, do you disagree?

 

Gaeta is saying that she DOES have that same magic that usually happens instantly.

 

I found this a challenge to my beliefs because the strongest magic and the deepest " in love" feelings I've felt have all been tied to the instant lightening bolt.

 

Twice in my 12 years of dating have I experienced the magic AND peace.

 

The 3 other times I felt the magic, it was drama filled and the men were totally unavailable. .......

 

AND to further complicate matters, I too have grown passionate and *crazy* about men in total absense of the *spark nonsense*. Lol! Yet it was not as intense as the natural innate chemistry that manifests itself immediately. .........

 

Gatea is different in that she can feel the total magic in absese of fireworks. She BECOMES infatuated.

 

I believe Gatea could be in the minority; most people tend to either fall head over heels and fall hard and fast, or they don't at all........

[angel.eyes]

Gaeta, I'm so happy for you! What a great holiday present! Enjoy getting to know your new guy!

[thecrucible]

@Gaeta - It's really good to hear your happy news near Christmas.

 

I have tried the approach your taking. I really have. I have given men that were perfect on paper a chance for multiple dates! Men who I was NOT repulsed by I may add! It always ended in tears; when I felt no motivation to date them anymore. I am an introvert and prefer sitting online learning about strangers the world over, than having to drag myself out. I also have a limited capacity to feel romance. I either need MASSIVE sparks and amazing chemistry or else I struggle to feel anything at all and prefer to be alone.

 

I feel exactly like you, Leigh. I actually like the comfort of a long term relationship so it's definitely not commitment phobia that makes me think in this way. Like you, I've tried the 'perfect on paper' but if it isn't there, it isn't there. However I would always give it up to three dates until I am totally sure how I feel.

 

I don't need massive sparks but I need to get a romantic (i.e. all encompassing not merely sexual) longing after going on a date with someone. I am an introvert too. Since I don't have an exuberant personality, it does show to the other person when I am not quite as interested. The reason I can sound this rigid is because I was with a man for a couple of years who I genuinely felt I had a great connection with but after about a year he stopped having any sexual desire for me. I then couldn't feel any attraction towards him and it began to feel more like he was just a friend. It made me realise that while sex isn't the be-all-end-all, there needs to be enough sexual spark to start off with in order to help the relationship last past the infatuation phase. I told myself I was in love with him but it was forcing a feeling (maybe he felt the same?).

 

I am afraid of ending up in the same situation I described above. That relationship changed my mindset. I learned to be happy on my own and it showed me that we women need to feel attraction too (not just the men). I don't fall in love as easily and I am quite logical about it. So if there's passion that defies my logical mind, I know that there's something there worth going for.

 

As for GIGS, I've been trying to avoid that and I think that's important. It's so easy to get caught out by it. I just know in my heart that if I ever want something worthwhile, it's not going to happen if I'm constantly looking for the better prize. That goes back to what I said about needing to feel some kind of chemistry earlier. I know my own flaws and I need to feel somewhat passionately drawn to a man, enough that I don't want to look at anyone else. I have felt like this about certain guys in the past (even though emotionally we were not compatible). I'm hoping for something between those two extremes and I will be happy with that.

[Gaeta]

In my opinion, this is exactly how dating is supposed to be. The no worries, anxiety, fear or stress about it is HUGE. He's dependable (right?), calls when he says he's going to call, is making plans to see you again, etc. No stress or anxiety. You aren't wondering why you haven't heard from him, when you are going to see him again, etc. That's exactly how it was when I started dating my husband. It's wonderful!

 

I'm really happy for you, Gaeta!

 

That's it, he is dependable that's why I don't stress at all, what a gift! I wasn't given for a long long time!

[Snakechammah]

I am extremely happy for you, Gaeta! Your boyfriend is very lucky to have found an independent, intelligent, kind hearted and level-headed woman. He should know you have a lot of admirers even here in LS You are, in my opinion, a top-quality woman!

 

And Leigh, I do understand what you're saying. I am the same - looking for that hollywood passion, the whole love-at-first-sight shebang, and in all my useless life, I have "settled" for lacklustre relationships (4 of them were LDR, even worse! what was I thinking??) and in all of my failed relationships, I had to dump them eventually. I felt no sparks in the beginning and didn't at all, until the very end.

 

This is, however, completely different to what Gaeta is going through. She isn't settling, she has grown into love! I wish this had been my case, I wouldn't be single now.

 

Unfortunately, I only have 'the sparks' (that Leigh is talking about) for only two idiots in this lifetime. One was a married colleague - he was the reason I joined LS in the first place back in 2012....of course nothing came out of that because I don't try to steal other woman's property. I had to leave my job to protect my sanity. But sh*t, wrong guy, right chemistry.

 

And now... in 2015 (what a blessed year), I have again fallen in 'love at first sight' (that sounds so cheesy) with a colleague in my now workplace. Second bast*rd I've ever felt like this for! In fact even stronger too! I am now semi-dating him and I am completely besotted with him!

 

But Leigh, these kinds of hollywood dreams are so rare. And usually, soul mates and twin flames and butterfly buds don't usually last like the stable growing-into-love kind of relationships. The one that Gaeta is encountering is likely to be more stable than the electric-buzzing ones. Because no energy in the world can keep up with that kind of passion.

 

Think about it like this - everyone has ONE battery of energy. If you use it all up within the first date/month/passionate lust affair, you will use up the entire energy quickly and when there's no more battery left, the relationship fizzles.

 

But a stable relationship like Gaeta's uses a little energy at a time (conservation, energy-saving) thus it will LAST so much longer... until the participants turn old and grey.

 

So which one do you prefer? To guzzle down the drink at one go, or sip it slowly so that it last?