Constant Reminders

[BeautifulIdiot]

I'm a people pleaser to a fault. It's something I've been trying to work on for a very long time. I met my H just after my 21 birthday & we moved in together that week! They now say that people's brains aren't fully formed until later 20's. I'm so aware that I 'nurtured' my H (& vice versa) you see I never used to be how I am in so very many ways.

 

My H hs always suffered from depression & he is incredibly passive aggressive. I've read the description you gave....

 

"Not so much a doormat but someone who will project how someone is likely to react emotionally to a situation and someone who after recognising that will change their own behaviour to positively control the other persons emotions."

 

....that describes me to a t. If you read-up on passive aggressive men it says that we're the only kind of women that will stay with a man with that type personality.

 

I've found more info about recognizing that about ourselves & healing as a side to passive aggressive when I've researched.....rather than just looking for Internet 'stuff' on our personality type.

 

Have you had a lot of experience of "walking on eggshells in your life"? I'm interested to hear other members answers on that too

 

This would be a really interesting discussion. You should read The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us. It really helps understand why both sides of the coin are drawn to each other and I'm a great believer in understanding as a way to try recognise what I'm doing and try to change it.

[jenkins95]

BeautifulIdiot!

 

Beautiful you definitely are - it jumps straight out from your writings. Your sensitivity, your humour, your hurt, your dignity, your humanity, the artistry of what you say and how you say it. When one is going through such an awful time with matters of the heart, one can't help but bear one's soul a little bit and reveal the true person underneath when expressing one's self like this. You write beautifully and I feel I know you really well from what you write. You ARE a beautiful person.

 

An idiot you are not. Just a human being full of life and emotions and dreams, with the capacity, like any of us, to take a wrong decision sometimes.

 

I just wanted to say that I can almost guarantee you that your MM hasn't simply moved on and forgotten you. I know because I am just like him. I was the MM in a situation just like yours and when it got really rotten, including discoveries, etc, it simply had to end. There was already so much damage and to have continued it could have permanently destroyed people. The fairy-tale element simply cannot go on when the affair escapes it's bubble and you see the hurt and damage that you are causing. Perhaps my AP thinks that I simply moved on - I tried to explain very carefully and sensitively to her that that wasn't the case and that EVERYONE involved was hurting so badly and we did have weak moments where we broke NC. But all she sees now from me is....well, nothing - no calls, no messages, no little sweet nothings. It feels so horrible really.

 

It may well seem to her that I have moved on, but inside I am in constant turmoil. Among a myriad of negative emotions and heart-break, I feel constant regret and guilt that my selfish actions have brought such pain to two wonderful women. I am a different person to the pre-A me. Constantly in my thoughts, I shake constantly, often have to disappear to a quiet room for a cry and have broken down so completely that I haven't even been able to post even here for over three months. These last couple of days have been very significant for me - my wife and I have been affectionate together after so many awful rows and conversations, and the fact that I am here posting, shows that I am getting stronger - and know that it is your thread that finally got me posting again, out of the shadows where I have been for a while! But I still think about the AP, and I wish her nothing but positive things. There will also always be a part of me that misses what we had and our magical fairy tale, even though it was so so wrong and selfish.

 

Me and the AP were both selfish idiots (I'm using the word myself now!). What happened happened, and all we can now try to do is recover, live our lives and learn so much from our mistakes. It's so tempting for me to pick up the phone or write an email to my AP just to check on her and let her know that I feel her pain and I suffer too, but I know that it would be so wrong on so many levels to everyone concerned. It would be a slap in the face to my wife and could seriously undo much of the good, gradual work done by NC to the AP and to myself. The only thing I can do is stay silent and will her to recover and move on.

 

I would put money on it that your MM feels just like I do. On some level, you and your xMM will always be a part of each other. You can move on and even recover, but you can't forget and you cannot ever simply feel neutral about someone with whom you've shared such intense passion and love. The best you can do is to wish each the very best, keep a special little loving place for each other in your hearts to be visited rarely and move on with your lives.

 

Keep posting here BeautifulAngel (I've renamed you !). There are some wonderful people here. When I was at rock bottom this summer, I got so much support here from sensitive, intelligent people who really know their stuff and want to help, many having been in similar situations. They got me through a time when I was completely lost. Now that I am an inch or two above rock bottom, I am ready to come back and renew my acquaintance with these wonderful people again, receive their support and try to help others with the benefit of my experience.

 

We will get there together!

 

Genuinely warm regards and hugs, you beautiful idiotic angel ;-) !

Edited December 8, 2015 by jenkins95

[Lobouspo]

You people who actually believe the line of BS these married people feed you to justify these affairs that hurt people and ruin lives is quite pathetic. Did you for one second consider all the pain you caused his wife? He married and got to have fun on the side with you, and managed to hurt you and his wife in the process. You people who are selfish enough to get into these extramarital affairs, and then get this poor me victim mentality when you get dumped are so hypocritical

[BeautifulIdiot]

You people who actually believe the line of BS these married people feed you to justify these affairs that hurt people and ruin lives is quite pathetic. Did you for one second consider all the pain you caused his wife? He married and got to have fun on the side with you, and managed to hurt you and his wife in the process. You people who are selfish enough to get into these extramarital affairs, and then get this poor me victim mentality when you get dumped are so hypocritical

 

Of course I consider the pain I caused his wife. I consider my pain, her pain, his pain, the hurt and guilt that we all feel that this horrible situation happened. But here's the thing, it happened. This section is support for people who find themselves in a very specific situation reaching out to others who will understand what they're feeling when they cant tell anyone else because they'll have the (very understandable) reaction you just did.

 

I'm not a victim. I choose this. I made a bad, very blinkered choice but nothing I or anyone else can do will change the past (believe me, I've tried. Even looked for a Delorean on eBay one time but turns out that was just a movie). All we can do here is try to make the future better which unfortunately comments like yours do nothing to aid.

 

I appreciate you may have been hurt or have people close to you who have been hurt by people like 'us' and if that's the case I respectfully suggest that you don't read this section. Go to places that help you, not hurt you.

[Lobouspo]

I'm sorry for sounding harsh, but I have seen firsthand how affairs can ruin lives. It seems from your posts, that you are a good hearted genuine person. I apologize and truly hope you find a man who is worthy of your love.

[BeautifulIdiot]

I'm sorry for sounding harsh, but I have seen firsthand how affairs can ruin lives. It seems from your posts, that you are a good hearted genuine person. I apologize and truly hope you find a man who is worthy of your love.

 

Thank you Lobouspo, I genuinely appreciate this. I'm so sorry you've had to see lives be ruined by this and I hope none of us ever have to see (or live) it again.

Edited December 8, 2015 by BeautifulIdiot

[jenkins95]

Of course I consider the pain I caused his wife. I consider my pain, her pain, his pain, the hurt and guilt that we all feel that this horrible situation happened. But here's the thing, it happened. This section is support for people who find themselves in a very specific situation reaching out to others who will understand what they're feeling when they cant tell anyone else because they'll have the (very understandable) reaction you just did.

 

I'm not a victim. I choose this. I made a bad, very blinkered choice but nothing I or anyone else can do will change the past (believe me, I've tried. Even looked for a Delorean on eBay one time but turns out that was just a movie). All we can do here is try to make the future better which unfortunately comments like yours do nothing to aid.

 

I appreciate you may have been hurt or have people close to you who have been hurt by people like 'us' and if that's the case I respectfully suggest that you don't read this section. Go to places that help you, not hurt you.

 

Very understandable viewpoint from Lobouspo, and I too as an MM who selfishly entered into an A feel shame to the point of self-hatred at what I have inflicted on others and myself. But BeautifulIdiot's response is excellent and I think the same. If only we could buy that Delorean! We cannot change the past, but we can affect the future. In my case, I owe it to a lot of people to do everything I can to make that future as bright as possible and undo some of the awful damage I have done.

[NewLeaf512]

I'm from the same part of the world so understand the strange food references as terms of endearment. As I'm from north of the border so we'll also use some of the cruder terms such as tw@t as a term of endearment but I'll refrain from that here

 

As for Christmas I've got lots of friends and their kids coming to mine on xmas eve and the same group of us are going to my friends house for xmas dinner so we will be surrounded by friends and love and wonder and happiness. We have plans for Elves to deliver things on xmas eve and all sorts. We really are going all out this year which is what I think we all need, me as well as the kids. Xmas has never been a great time for me, my gran who I was very close to died xmas day, my great gran who I was also super close to died boxing day (the after xmas if that's not an international thing), I broke up with the kids dad over xmas (actually had him arrested new years eve but that's a story for another time) and there's just never been the wonder and magic of xmas so I want to change that this year and make it really special for the kids with new traditions we can keep doing year after year. They're still young (5 and 3) so it's the perfect time to really inject some magic into it for them.

 

I also found some flights to go home to my parents on the 28th until the 1st (i don't live in the country of muffins and sausages anymore) so that's really given me something to look forward to as well.

 

With lots o tablet x

[NewLeaf512]

You people who actually believe the line of BS these married people feed you to justify these affairs that hurt people and ruin lives is quite pathetic. Did you for one second consider all the pain you caused his wife? He married and got to have fun on the side with you, and managed to hurt you and his wife in the process. You people who are selfish enough to get into these extramarital affairs, and then get this poor me victim mentality when you get dumped are so hypocritical

 

I understand why people are incensed on all aspects of the topic of an A. I'm not sure the aim of this post but, this is a support forum and Beautiful has opened a thread looking for understanding and support. Perhaps you've been triggered by something you've read, that happens to all of us from time to time. If you need support there are several forums here that may help depending on your need.

 

Insulting and berating doesn't really fit in the remit of this thread, nor does it help Beautiful.

 

If you are a BS, and have something insightful about how you felt during or after your experience that might be a good thing to post.

 

There is a scant other who will say they felt in anyway clever about themselves so that point may be redundant.

[Lovetoohard]

You people who actually believe the line of BS these married people feed you to justify these affairs that hurt people and ruin lives is quite pathetic. Did you for one second consider all the pain you caused his wife? He married and got to have fun on the side with you, and managed to hurt you and his wife in the process. You people who are selfish enough to get into these extramarital affairs, and then get this poor me victim mentality when you get dumped are so hypocritical

 

Lobouspo, when you break down the elements of an affair into a selfish act that was done simply to have fun on the side, without any regard to anybody else, while it is an accurate statement and one that most of us are cognizant of, it is an oversimplification of the affair. There are many of us who are intelligent, well-educated, accomplished and attractive people who were experiencing a low point in our lives for various reasons and met someone who was experiencing a low point in their lives and both parties were lacking in their existing support system, which included their spouses, and as a result turned to each other. Most of us are cognizant of the things at stake and the people or careers that might get hurt but we so badly want to be made whole, we have a lapse in judgement, overlook these things momentarily and struggle to make the picture perfect. But facts are facts and one cannot live in a fantasy forever and sooner or later, we have to face reality and end things before everything blows up. Most of us OW/OM would never have thought we'd put ourselves in this position but here we are, regretting and healing. Life happens. I'm not justifying affairs but am urging you to consider that there is sometimes a lot more to it than just some selfish fun on the side.

Edited December 8, 2015 by Lovetoohard

[Lovebug66]

Hello beautiful and my other fellow people pleasers on this thread If you start another thread on this subject please post it here so I can follow also! It is a huge struggle for me to recover from, but I'm getting there. If I can just make everyone happy and not rock the boat, I can avoid all conflict right? Ha, not exactly....you can become extremely unhappy and have great internal conflict. I have found it was my way of trying to control situations. Newleaf - I am dealing with the same thing, now that I have set boundaries and decided not to be a doormat, I am getting huge push back. That behavior I find unacceptable escalates and I'm labeled the bad guy for not enabling it any longer. "You've changed"....darn straight I've changed and I'm proud of it. They don't like it because they have lost power over you.

Beautiful, your kind heart is very obvious to me. We have all gotten into situations we are not proud of or think we know better than, myself included. Learn and grow from it but do not let it define you

[BeautifulIdiot]

BeautifulIdiot!

 

Beautiful you definitely are - it jumps straight out from your writings. Your sensitivity, your humour, your hurt, your dignity, your humanity, the artistry of what you say and how you say it. When one is going through such an awful time with matters of the heart, one can't help but bear one's soul a little bit and reveal the true person underneath when expressing one's self like this. You write beautifully and I feel I know you really well from what you write. You ARE a beautiful person.

 

An idiot you are not. Just a human being full of life and emotions and dreams, with the capacity, like any of us, to take a wrong decision sometimes.

 

I just wanted to say that I can almost guarantee you that your MM hasn't simply moved on and forgotten you. I know because I am just like him. I was the MM in a situation just like yours and when it got really rotten, including discoveries, etc, it simply had to end. There was already so much damage and to have continued it could have permanently destroyed people. The fairy-tale element simply cannot go on when the affair escapes it's bubble and you see the hurt and damage that you are causing. Perhaps my AP thinks that I simply moved on - I tried to explain very carefully and sensitively to her that that wasn't the case and that EVERYONE involved was hurting so badly and we did have weak moments where we broke NC. But all she sees now from me is....well, nothing - no calls, no messages, no little sweet nothings. It feels so horrible really.

 

It may well seem to her that I have moved on, but inside I am in constant turmoil. Among a myriad of negative emotions and heart-break, I feel constant regret and guilt that my selfish actions have brought such pain to two wonderful women. I am a different person to the pre-A me. Constantly in my thoughts, I shake constantly, often have to disappear to a quiet room for a cry and have broken down so completely that I haven't even been able to post even here for over three months. These last couple of days have been very significant for me - my wife and I have been affectionate together after so many awful rows and conversations, and the fact that I am here posting, shows that I am getting stronger - and know that it is your thread that finally got me posting again, out of the shadows where I have been for a while! But I still think about the AP, and I wish her nothing but positive things. There will also always be a part of me that misses what we had and our magical fairy tale, even though it was so so wrong and selfish.

 

Me and the AP were both selfish idiots (I'm using the word myself now!). What happened happened, and all we can now try to do is recover, live our lives and learn so much from our mistakes. It's so tempting for me to pick up the phone or write an email to my AP just to check on her and let her know that I feel her pain and I suffer too, but I know that it would be so wrong on so many levels to everyone concerned. It would be a slap in the face to my wife and could seriously undo much of the good, gradual work done by NC to the AP and to myself. The only thing I can do is stay silent and will her to recover and move on.

 

I would put money on it that your MM feels just like I do. On some level, you and your xMM will always be a part of each other. You can move on and even recover, but you can't forget and you cannot ever simply feel neutral about someone with whom you've shared such intense passion and love. The best you can do is to wish each the very best, keep a special little loving place for each other in your hearts to be visited rarely and move on with your lives.

 

Keep posting here BeautifulAngel (I've renamed you !). There are some wonderful people here. When I was at rock bottom this summer, I got so much support here from sensitive, intelligent people who really know their stuff and want to help, many having been in similar situations. They got me through a time when I was completely lost. Now that I am an inch or two above rock bottom, I am ready to come back and renew my acquaintance with these wonderful people again, receive their support and try to help others with the benefit of my experience.

 

We will get there together!

 

Genuinely warm regards and hugs, you beautiful idiotic angel ;-) !

 

Jenkins, I wanted to answer you when I had a little more time. I really appreciate you taking the time to open up about your side of things and thank you for the new name!

 

I understand that it is difficult to talk about any feelings you may have for your xAP, especially given where you are in your healing and I cant even imagine how hard it has been for you and your wife trying to work through it but I have the utmost respect for that fact that you are.

 

I keep saying it but I don't think I'd ever break NC. We left it that he would contact me if his situation changed and he was 100% single and available and could offer me what I need. I wouldn't contact him because as ridiculous as it sounds I respect what those two are trying to fix too much and any contact from me would damage that. They deserve to work on their relationship without me making it worse than I already have. I couldn't do that to them, or to myself because I'm not going to like any answer that I get. I hope you are strong enough to never break NC again but it sounds like you're in the right place now to work on what you have to work on. You all deserve the chance to move on positively in what you chose.

 

It's amazing how I can say that and clearly I'm struggling to move on myself but that's what I'm doing here. I may still be struggling with it but I'm at least at the point that I recognise that I have to try to move forward. Talking about it here has helped more than I ever thought it could. Just 'saying' the things that have been whirling around my head for months is incredibly cathartic.

 

It's amazing how much you sound like xmm, you even used some of the same words. That makes me happy and sad in equal parts. Happy because it makes me feel like I'm not insane and that maybe it was what I thought it was and sad that he, and you, and me, and others are out there feeling like that. How do you reconcile the feelings you still have for your OW with moving forward with your R with your wife? I don't ask to make you feel worse or put you in a position so please don't answer if you don't feel comfortable, it's just one of the things I struggle to understand. If things have got to the stage where you have an A, your relationship is clearly in some way broken, you then have the additional hurt of dday, the knowledge that things weren't working before and now it's 100x worse and to top it all off you've fallen in love with someone else which really you shouldn't be able to do if you are still really in love in your M. Even if you don't want to be with your AP why do you (and I don't necessarily mean you personally, I just mean someone in that position) want to put yourselves through more hurt for something that was already severely broken. In some cases the broken years outnumber the good years. In a normal relationship splitting up would be a real consideration for that reason alone. Does dday make you or your BS want to fight for it harder?

 

Again, you dont have to answer any of that. I appreciate you taking the time to write everything that you did and I don't want to hash up any feelings you've already dealt with.

 

Also, if I ever find the Delorean I promise to pick you up on the way.

[NewLeaf512]

I'd like to know those answers as well.

[WestEndGirl]

Most of us OW/OM would never have thought we'd put ourselves in this position but here we are, regretting and healing. Life happens. I'm not justifying affairs but am urging you to consider that there is sometimes a lot more to it than just some selfish fun on the side.

 

This is written perfectly. I think that in my MM's case, he'd been beaten down emotionally and neglected (physically) for so many years, it was a matter of survival, and finding someone (me) who didn't make extraordinary demands on him was what he needed. I represented the kind of life that he wished he really had. That's really difficult for a lot of people who are in that type of pain to pass up.

[Doublegold]

Even if you don't want to be with your AP why do you (and I don't necessarily mean you personally, I just mean someone in that position) want to put yourselves through more hurt for something that was already severely broken. In some cases the broken years outnumber the good years. In a normal relationship splitting up would be a real consideration for that reason alone. Does dday make you or your BS want to fight for it harder?

 

 

 

Because Marriage/Family/History/Finances trumps all. Men don't leave. Over 70% of divorces are filed by women. Many Men cheat. Their friends cheat. Some hang out and cheat together. Then they all hang out at family gatherings and act like the Cleavers. This is how it goes. I know this one guy, cheated his entire marriage. Got caught with an email once, pretty innocent one too. She told him she would divorce him if they didn't have kids. He said if we didn't have kids we wouldn't be married....still together, still cheating. If he got caught again, really caught, I am sure the result would be the one questioned above in the bolded.

 

 

So when Dday comes, the MM does whatever it takes to stay in the marriage. I am sure there are various reasons for each individual, but the end result is the same. Men are creatures of habit. The same could be said of a BS who takes back a partner who has cheated multiple times yet they stay with them.

 

 

 

 

 

YMMV

Edited December 9, 2015 by Doublegold
Spelling

[WestEndGirl]

Because Marriage/Family/History/Finances trumps all.

 

Money is a BIG one. Possibly the biggest one of all. And yeah, I know guys who've cheated through most of their Ms, and they're miserable, but they still won't leave. The finances are a huge part of it.

 

Edited to add: thank god I'm financially independent and will never have to even contemplate "having" to stay because I need a roof over my head or want a certain type of lifestyle.

[Doublegold]

Money is big time for many. That is why the "I love my wife/husband and kids" makes me shake my head--you would not of behaved the way you did if you loved your partner. For myself--at 24 years married, the day came when I felt the love was gone and lonely--for the first time--something I never thought I would feel.

 

 

I asked for a separation and was divorced after three years.

[BeautifulIdiot]

Sorry if this is a daft question but what does this mean?

 

YMMV

 

As for the money side of it, it's amazing how that seems to factor into peoples decisions. I've always been financially independent, in fact I've worked very hard to make sure that I am. Unfortunately my ex was not and spent most of our relationship spending my money on gambling, drugs and whatever else he fancied at that particular moment and after we split it was amazing to see how much and how quickly our lives changed. The kids and I have a very comfortable, happy life and he still periodically suggests we try again (he was emotionally and verbally abusive and threatening to the point that I had a restraining order against him at one point so that's not going to happen) but it's invariably when he's in some way struggling financially.

 

Maybe it's just me but I find it sad that money and lifestyle would factor so highly in someone's decision to stay with a partner who they are otherwise unhappy with. In the situation where someone has had an A, you've had potentially years of unhappiness with your SO, then the tragedy of the hurt an A causes which by what I've read takes a minimum of 2-5 years to get over before you can even start thinking about the other issues. It just seems like so many unhappy years when you could be focusing on building a happy future for yourself.

 

Just to be clear, I absolutely respect everyone who want to work on their M and that is always the right thing to do, I don't want this to sound like some AP who thinks M isn't worth saving and everyone should give up. In most cases I would hope that they do it because they realise how much they love each other and that their relationship was something worth saving before. What I'm talking about here is specifically people who had years and years of unhappiness leading up to what was essentially the tipping point and never showed an interest in saving it before. Why all of a sudden now when things just got so much worse.

 

I think for the first time I've just seen the benefit (benefit feels like the wrong word but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say) of being in my position and why I need to pull my finger out and start healing. Because I can. I don't have those years of unhappiness ahead of me unless I allow it to be like that.

[NewLeaf512]

Money is big time for many. That is why the "I love my wife/husband and kids" makes me shake my head--you would not of behaved the way you did if you loved your partner. For myself--at 24 years married, the day came when I felt the love was gone and lonely--for the first time--something I never thought I would feel.

 

 

I asked for a separation and was divorced after three years.

 

 

I agree with this and your previous post. Although I believe it I can't understand how anyone could just be the cleavers and hang out and cheat while putting a facade on for the rest of the world. Affairs are deceptive enough and require so much faking it seems unbelievable that anyone would want to continue to add the faking of a happy sham marriage on top.

 

However I know implicitly that it is 100% the reality of what happens all the time.

[Doublegold]

Just to be clear, I absolutely respect everyone who want to work on their M and that is always the right thing to do, I don't want this to sound like some AP who thinks M isn't worth saving and everyone should give up. In most cases I would hope that they do it because they realise how much they love each other and that their relationship was something worth saving before. What I'm talking about here is specifically people who had years and years of unhappiness leading up to what was essentially the tipping point and never showed an interest in saving it before. Why all of a sudden now when things just got so much worse.

 

Beautiful, I agree with your comments above--well said. I have a hard time understanding the RISK taken when one is a WS vs the inevitable "I need to protect/save my family" on Dday etc. Fascinating dichotomy indeed.

 

And sorry about the YMMV-- your mileage may vary--It may work differently in your situation, or be different in your experience/opinion

[ShatteredLady]

I know everyone's very different so my experiences might not answer questions but at least it's a perspective.

 

When I tell my story as a BS he sounds terrible. I nearly died. Had to have emergency surgery. Less than 4 months later he was asking her to create a secret account. The truth is he was completely overwhelmed. My Mum flew from England to take care of me, house, kids for 10 days. My H has confessed that dropping her at the airport was terrifying!

 

I've spent the last decade being pregnant & raising little kids. It was very hard with my physical condition but I did it everyday. My H's life completely changed in one docs visit! I wasn't even allowed to pop home to explain to him what was happening. He went from taking a day off so I could go to the docs too having to take care of EVERYTHING!

 

Obviously I'd been sick for a while but fighting through. My H saw this as me 'existing' but not LIVING. While I was still bedridden he lost his job. That was a HUGE hit to his ego AND personally, he had close friendships.

 

Anyway.... D-day.

He was horrified by my reaction! He'd convinced himself that WE had drifted apart. He hadn't factored in the fact that he was pulling away BECAUSE of the A & I was living in turmoil believing that he was hating me because I kept being sick & he had to take-up the slack.

 

In my experience a BS 'feels' that something is very wrong. Their gut is spinning, they're trying to keep life going but it's so confusing! You're scum of the earth one minute because you haven't emptied the dishwasher & you're being excessively loved-on the next, receiving uncharacteristically huge, thoughtful gifts the next. It's crazy making!

 

Being completely blindsided is a awful thing....

One morning our phone rang REALLY early. I had a weird feeling as a scrambled out of bed, the answering machine came on & I could hear in my mothers voice that it was bad. I couldn't pick-up the phone. My H called her back. I was on the kitchen floor. I thought my Dad had died. My brother (only sibling) had taken his own life. My Dad found his body.

That was 2nd to learning of my H's affair! For weeks I couldn't sleep or eat. Vomiting changed to dry heaving. I cried constantly. At least with my brothers death I had things to organize, a 10 hour flight etc. AND I had my H to hold me!

 

I think the WS creates a fantasy & that is truly crushed by the BS reaction.

 

In our situation we talked, REALLY talked. My H realized that his perception of events was very distorted. He'd say things like, "You stopped meeting me at the door to kiss me hello"....I was BEDRIDDEN!!

 

You can ask any questions you like about D-Day. I've had a couple. I know my experiences are pretty different to others because of my H's mental struggles, medication effects & the emotional not sexual affairs. I'm not sure if I've explained things well or not.

 

I do believe that most OW have it so very, very wrong when they talk about their BS (not all) AND most BS's forget that most (not all) OW are just women, like us, who want the same things from life.

[ShatteredLady]

....I've also been very close friends/family with a couple of prolific (male) cheaters. I've discussed in detail their thoughts & behavior with them. They were NEVER as cold & calculating as people often believe. The human brain is a strange thing!

 

I believe that in most (obviously not all) men are different than women in their motivations, behavior, thoughts etc when having A's. Just my experience!

[BeautifulIdiot]

SL I am so sorry you had to go through that. Words are not enough to express how sorry. I'm not going to be very eloquent because I want prepared for my reaction reading your story and I can't imagine what you went through.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. It's helped me see how much of a reality check day is for the WS which explains some of those things I couldn't understand.

 

Jesus though, I'm so sorry.

[ShatteredLady]

I stand by my honest feelings that most of us are just women, nice, kind & thoughtful people doing our best to build the lives we want. I insisted both times that my H wrote to the OW explaining what was happening. I can't imagine being on the other side of the fence.

 

Infidelity = cruelty.

 

It's natural that I try to 'defend' my H but honestly he's one of the worst sort really. (That's hard to say!) He knows he's not going to leave. We've discussed this a lot. I find it so hard to reconcile the kind man I know with his actions. It is all about him, his fantasy....ugh! He thinks he's less guilty in some way because it's not sexual. As a woman playing with hearts & dreams is far worse than playing with boobs & bits!!

 

Words are never 'just' words in an EA. They have such power for good & evil. marriage vows are 'just words'.

[WestEndGirl]

Maybe it's just me but I find it sad that money and lifestyle would factor so highly in someone's decision to stay with a partner who they are otherwise unhappy with. In the situation where someone has had an A, you've had potentially years of unhappiness with your SO, then the tragedy of the hurt an A causes which by what I've read takes a minimum of 2-5 years to get over before you can even start thinking about the other issues. It just seems like so many unhappy years when you could be focusing on building a happy future for yourself.

 

It's all a question of values, really. Like you, I have always taken care of myself in the manner to which I like to be accustomed. But an acquaintance of mine, miserably married to a H (he's now her ex) who was cheating flagrantly, refused to leave. She didn't want to have to leave her nice house. She really didn't want to go to work every morning. Kids (from a previous M) were in their teens, so she couldn't use the excuse of wanting to be a SAHM. I would see her in our writing group, and she'd write these sad, poignant pieces, and clearly, she was extremely unhappy with the situation. But the comfort of being taken care of outweighed all of the negatives.

 

He ended up leaving her for his mistress ... but he had to pay a very high price for it. Today, she's happier than she's ever been before, because she got to keep the same lifestyle without being subjected to a crappy M. I find that unsettling.