LifesontheUp Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 MellyMel Sorry to read how he is treating you Just wondering why you are even going out to dinner etc with him? He wants out so let him have what he says he wants? Take a stand and tell him that he has made it clear he doesn't want to be married to you any longer or have what normal people in a marriage do. Draw the line MellyMel, make a stand and show him that he cannot treat you like this. It isn't fair and enough is enough. Take your power back instead of giving into him with the hope he'll change his mind 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MellyMel Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 MellyMel Sorry to read how he is treating you Just wondering why you are even going out to dinner etc with him? He wants out so let him have what he says he wants? Take a stand and tell him that he has made it clear he doesn't want to be married to you any longer or have what normal people in a marriage do. Draw the line MellyMel, make a stand and show him that he cannot treat you like this. It isn't fair and enough is enough. Take your power back instead of giving into him with the hope he'll change his mind You know what...I think it's that side of me that is still hopeful when he acts nice and normal. So I agreed to go. I did just that when we were at counselling. When she gave us two options: either continue going separately or come together but work on the marriage. I said, we'll go separately since this is ending. When we got out he proceeded to tell me that we should go together and say that we want to work on our marriage. I just think he's super confused. That being said, my attitude has changed that I no longer see this as the end of the world. I think he's probably sensing that's the case. He told the counsellor that I was trying to make him jealous by going out a lot. I was going out a lot to avoid him. I have no control over how he feels over the fact that I'm out nor do I care. So little stupid things like that I overanalyze more than I should. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Its going to be hard, but stop pandering to him. He is blowing hot and cold but more often than not has shown you he wants out. Give him what he wants. Make it clear that until he is ALL in to working on the marriage you are not going to meet him half way. Come on girl, make a stand and see what happens. At the moment he is controlling you, take some control over your life back. Stop hoping for something that may never happen and start doing for YOU Link to post Share on other sites
Author MellyMel Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 Its going to be hard, but stop pandering to him. He is blowing hot and cold but more often than not has shown you he wants out. Give him what he wants. Make it clear that until he is ALL in to working on the marriage you are not going to meet him half way. Come on girl, make a stand and see what happens. At the moment he is controlling you, take some control over your life back. Stop hoping for something that may never happen and start doing for YOU You're absolutely right. I think I did that in counselling. I told him that I was staying in the condo, he can leave whenever he wants. There isn't a point in us going to therapy together. He agreed during the session. As soon as we were out, he changed his mind and asked if we can tell the counsellor that we'll work on the marriage so that we can "talk it out" together. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Do you think you could to IC on your own? Perhaps it will help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MellyMel Posted December 24, 2015 Author Share Posted December 24, 2015 Do you think you could to IC on your own? Perhaps it will help. I'm sorry, I don't understand the question? Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 IC= Individual Counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MellyMel Posted December 24, 2015 Author Share Posted December 24, 2015 IC= Individual Counseling. Ah, ok. Yes, I will be doing it. We both need it as I think it's of paramount importance regardless of what happens with our marriage. That being said, when I suggest that in our counselling session, I think he was taken aback because the therapist agreed with me. She said come together if you want to make this work, if you want to separate, seek individual counselling. As I mentioned before, as soon as we left her office, he suggested that we continue going together and to tell her that we want to work on our marriage. For what it's worth, he's the most indecisive person I have ever met in my life...always has been. The only difference now is that my attitude towards him is changing. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted December 28, 2015 Share Posted December 28, 2015 I really appreciate the honesty. As for splitting up the assets and protecting myself...we live in a very expensive city where most people rent, so we don't have a lot of assets to fight over. I suppose I can take him to the cleaners and take half of what he's got (which isn't a lot), but I'm just not that kind of person. Maybe I'm stupid and naive for being this way, but even if I wasn't, I can't afford an attorney right now without HIS financial assistance. you can not afford to stay married, get your ass over to legal aid and get a separation agreement in place. anyone tells me their going to leave me and then gives me the date? oh, hell no. move out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MellyMel Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 Update #2: It's done. I told him to move out. He'll be moving out in a few days. I will be with friends and family because it's too awkward being in the same house...especially since he acts like nothing is wrong and ask things like "Do you want to catch a movie?" Our marriage counsellor called him a narcissistic sociopath. Ultimately I know this is for the best. One day the pain will stop. Right now I have a hard time controlling my emotions (although I suppress my feelings around him) in public. BUT one day this too shall pass. It has to. I know what I deserve, but it's hard to let go of someone who has been in your life for 12 years (8 years intimately). Especially when you know they are capable of being a loving, respectful, decent person. That's the man I fell in love with - not this selfish, angry, frustrated person I have had to live with for the past few years. I also know that this other side is who he is and I can't live with it. If he's not willing to change, I can't force him to do so or to work on our marriage. I shouldn't have to force him. What hurts the most is that I'm losing my husband and friend. That's going to be hard to deal with, it already is. Little routines and things we used to do. I already miss it. He also seems completely fine with all of this. He acts unaffected by it. Perhaps that's because he's been plotting this for the past year. I don't know. The thought of dating scares the hell out of me. I don't want to waste my time and I want to have a family one day. I'm also not 20 years old. Anyway, I just wanted to update you and thank you for the support. I appreciate it. I will continue to see my therapist and work on myself. My soul hurts but at the same time I feel relieved as weird as that sounds. It's just a very hard, confusing time in my life right now. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 (edited) I'm so sorry it's ended, but now you can at least begin the healing process and start looking forward to living your life. Edited January 9, 2016 by MJJean Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Put dating and marriage/kids/men out of your head for a long time. No point in giving yourself anxiety over that part of your life. Let the future be still and focus on the now. Getting through the upcoming days and weeks, keeping yourself busy, relying on your good friends and family to help you and support you through your grieving process. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 I met my H just after my 21 birthday. We had been together for so long & people described him as the nicest guy ever, how lucky I was, how much he loved me etc. When he started acting like your H it was because there was another woman. It COMPLETELY changed him. I seriously doubted his sanity....that's why I didn't leave. I honestly couldn't believe my eyes & ears. I thought that I was going insane! Anyway....we've been through that! Legally is there a financial advantage to him being separated before your 5th anniversary? You said married nearly 5 years didn't you? I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I know how you feel it's insanity making. I've been there! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Our marriage counsellor called him a narcissistic sociopath. Most MC's don't throw labels like that around casually, it was probably well-earned. Having once (long ago fortunately) been involved with someone like that, my take on it is this - it's not that they don't care, it's that they don't know how. It's the relationship equivalent of autism, they miss all the indications, expectations and wants. Incredibly frustrating and ultimately heartbreaking to love someone like that. Takes things slow, be good to yourself and turn to those close to you. Have a great new year... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Update #2: It's done. I told him to move out. He'll be moving out in a few days. I will be with friends and family because it's too awkward being in the same house...especially since he acts like nothing is wrong and ask things like "Do you want to catch a movie?" Our marriage counsellor called him a narcissistic sociopath. Ultimately I know this is for the best. One day the pain will stop. Right now I have a hard time controlling my emotions (although I suppress my feelings around him) in public. BUT one day this too shall pass. It has to. I know what I deserve, but it's hard to let go of someone who has been in your life for 12 years (8 years intimately). Especially when you know they are capable of being a loving, respectful, decent person. That's the man I fell in love with - not this selfish, angry, frustrated person I have had to live with for the past few years. I also know that this other side is who he is and I can't live with it. If he's not willing to change, I can't force him to do so or to work on our marriage. I shouldn't have to force him. What hurts the most is that I'm losing my husband and friend. That's going to be hard to deal with, it already is. Little routines and things we used to do. I already miss it. He also seems completely fine with all of this. He acts unaffected by it. Perhaps that's because he's been plotting this for the past year. I don't know. The thought of dating scares the hell out of me. I don't want to waste my time and I want to have a family one day. I'm also not 20 years old. Anyway, I just wanted to update you and thank you for the support. I appreciate it. I will continue to see my therapist and work on myself. My soul hurts but at the same time I feel relieved as weird as that sounds. It's just a very hard, confusing time in my life right now. Of course it is scary (it was 18yrs me and my xH were together) but slowly in time you will start to feel more positive and the good days outweigh the bad. Keep up with therapy, go out with friends and support of family is important. Start doing stuff that you enjoy, maybe some hobbies you no longer do or start some you are interested in. Time is a healer, and while you may not believe it now - you will be fine. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
cja Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 (edited) . I know what I deserve, but it's hard to let go of someone who has been in your life for 12 years (8 years intimately). Especially when you know they are capable of being a loving, respectful, decent person. That's the man I fell in love with - not this selfish, angry, frustrated person I have had to live with for the past few years. I also know that this other side is who he is and I can't live with it. If he's not willing to change, I can't force him to do so or to work on our marriage. I shouldn't have to force him. What hurts the most is that I'm losing my husband and friend. That's going to be hard to deal with, it already is. Little routines and things we used to do. I already miss it. He also seems completely fine with all of this. Mel I just wanted to say that I understand this and am also going through the grieving process for losing my husband and friend. I'm trying to remain aware that I only truly grieve for the version of my husband where he met his true potential, but honestly that version only existed when he was happy and getting everything he wanted. The difficult and tense times brought a version that I don't even like let alone miss. Don't know if that is helpful for you or not but it has helped me in my grief. Also have you gotten a lawyer yet? You need to for you own sake and security. I need one too and am going to call one this week. I got a list together of what I need to DO and given myself a timetable so that I pull my head out of the sand and start living. Anyway, your story resonated with me and I wish you the best in 2016! Edited January 10, 2016 by cja 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MellyMel Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 I'm so sorry it's ended, but now you can at least begin the healing process and start looking forward to living your life. Thank you. It's very painful right now, but I also know that I'm not the only one going through something like this. I know that it gets better. I'm just in a sad/panic mode now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MellyMel Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 Put dating and marriage/kids/men out of your head for a long time. No point in giving yourself anxiety over that part of your life. Let the future be still and focus on the now. Getting through the upcoming days and weeks, keeping yourself busy, relying on your good friends and family to help you and support you through your grieving process. You're right. I know I have to, but at the same time after planning to start a family with my husband this year, I'm naturally in panic mode as to what will happen now. I want a family one day, but I'm also not 20 years old. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MellyMel Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 I met my H just after my 21 birthday. We had been together for so long & people described him as the nicest guy ever, how lucky I was, how much he loved me etc. When he started acting like your H it was because there was another woman. It COMPLETELY changed him. I seriously doubted his sanity....that's why I didn't leave. I honestly couldn't believe my eyes & ears. I thought that I was going insane! Anyway....we've been through that! Legally is there a financial advantage to him being separated before your 5th anniversary? You said married nearly 5 years didn't you? I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I know how you feel it's insanity making. I've been there! Our 5th wedding anniversary was last week. No, there isn't. Not for him anyway. He makes more money than me. I'm trying to end this in a cordial manner whilst having very little contact with him. We don't own property either, so I'm hoping that this will easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MellyMel Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 Most MC's don't throw labels like that around casually, it was probably well-earned. Having once (long ago fortunately) been involved with someone like that, my take on it is this - it's not that they don't care, it's that they don't know how. It's the relationship equivalent of autism, they miss all the indications, expectations and wants. Incredibly frustrating and ultimately heartbreaking to love someone like that. Takes things slow, be good to yourself and turn to those close to you. Have a great new year... Mr. Lucky Exactly! ESPECIALLY after speaking to him for only 7 minutes. He told me that he is immature and simply doesn't know how to handle life as a team. He is selfish and has always looked after himself, and after himself ONLY. I tried for a very long time to make him see that we are a team. Each time I tried I was called controlling. That's not how a partnership functions. As much as it hurts, I can't be with someone who isn't willing to work and fight for our marriage. Especially someone whom I can't depend on. This was a new counsellor. He is absolutely amazing and I will continue seeing him alone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MellyMel Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 Of course it is scary (it was 18yrs me and my xH were together) but slowly in time you will start to feel more positive and the good days outweigh the bad. Keep up with therapy, go out with friends and support of family is important. Start doing stuff that you enjoy, maybe some hobbies you no longer do or start some you are interested in. Time is a healer, and while you may not believe it now - you will be fine. Good luck Thank you very much! I know it will get better one day. Right now it's just scary to be alone. A part of me feels that I'm mourning more about being single than the loss of my husband. He wasn't a good one. But you get used to the partnership. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MellyMel Posted January 10, 2016 Author Share Posted January 10, 2016 Mel I just wanted to say that I understand this and am also going through the grieving process for losing my husband and friend. I'm trying to remain aware that I only truly grieve for the version of my husband where he met his true potential, but honestly that version only existed when he was happy and getting everything he wanted. The difficult and tense times brought a version that I don't even like let alone miss. Don't know if that is helpful for you or not but it has helped me in my grief. Also have you gotten a lawyer yet? You need to for you own sake and security. I need one too and am going to call one this week. I got a list together of what I need to DO and given myself a timetable so that I pull my head out of the sand and start living. Anyway, your story resonated with me and I wish you the best in 2016! Thank you, cja! I really appreciate it. It always helps to read encouraging words from people who have unfortunately gone or are currently going through the same thing. It makes one feel less alone in dealing with the pain. You're right. I'm grieving for the husband that I know he had potential to be. But he didn't want to work at it. Being that person required soul searching and hard work on his part. He gave up. That hurts so much, but in a strange way I'm relieved that I don't have be so unhappy anymore. I'm sad now and I don't know how I'll deal with the loneliness, but it's a different kind of loneliness being in a partnership and feeling the way I've felt for years. I haven't yet. We have to be legally separated for 12 months before I can file for divorce, but I will look for some legal representation to help me with the spousal support. Likewise! We will get through this. We will be happier. We don't see it now, but they did us a favour. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
testmeasure Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 (edited) You might want to look into Narcissism some. I believe my ex had this. People with narcissism have a lot of childhood emotional damage. They have too much emotional damage to deal with. They cope with this damage by creating a particular vision of themselves that allows themselves to feel good about themselves. Think of it as a story they tell themselves or an imaginary world they immerse themselves in, designed to make them feel good about themselves. It could be something like, "one day I'll be a world famous scientist". Or "I'm a perfect mom". Whatever it is, there would be some story or narrative they take refuge in. As long as that is intact, they can be stable for years. If that story gets disrupted, you see the pain and anger. They will do anything to restore the story and have the story validated. You're right. I know I have to, but at the same time after planning to start a family with my husband this year, I'm naturally in panic mode as to what will happen now. I want a family one day, but I'm also not 20 years old. ...and that's what disrupted the story in my case. Having a family completely changes a lot of things. If he was completely dependent on your attention and validation, the idea of sharing your attention might break the situation. Now, I need to stop and say that with narcissism, he wouldn't appear to be needy. The opposite. He would have an almost perfect or grandiose self image and presence. But underneath it, he would be dependent on your attention and validation of that image to maintain that view of himself. And that view of himself would be what makes it possible to make it through each day with the pain and emotional damage he has. Think of a small toddler with a favorite blanket. As long as they have that blanket they are happy. I'm not sure exactly what his blanket is, but if you're changing the story and planning a family, he may be imagining a future where he's not sure if he is going to have his blanket half the time. If what he took refuge in was his self image of his achievements in some hobby, it might not seem like having a kid would disrupt that. But with a kid in the picture, he only has half your attention to validate how cool or good he is at the hobby. And again, there wouldn't be a needy appearance. The appearance would be "all that and a bag of chips", but underneath it, to maintain that view of himself he would require attention, validation, admiration, and approval. I'm not sure if narcissism is what you are facing or not. But if it is, what I wrote would make sense. If you look into it, things you hear or read would just click into place as an explanation for what you have experienced. I should add that in a way you might be very fortunate. In my case we went ahead and had a child. My ex got angry and hostile. I lived with that for a year, trying to keep the family together. If this is going the wrong direction, you may be fortunate that it ends before there are children. I wouldn't trade my child for taking back any of what I went through. But in a forward facing decision, if wanted a child and I had enough advanced indication things would unfold the way they did, I would have to seek someone else who I could create a cohesive family unit with. . Edited January 11, 2016 by testmeasure Link to post Share on other sites
Author MellyMel Posted January 11, 2016 Author Share Posted January 11, 2016 You might want to look into Narcissism some. I believe my ex had this. People with narcissism have a lot of childhood emotional damage. They have too much emotional damage to deal with. They cope with this damage by creating a particular vision of themselves that allows themselves to feel good about themselves. Think of it as a story they tell themselves or an imaginary world they immerse themselves in, designed to make them feel good about themselves. It could be something like, "one day I'll be a world famous scientist". Or "I'm a perfect mom". Whatever it is, there would be some story or narrative they take refuge in. As long as that is intact, they can be stable for years. If that story gets disrupted, you see the pain and anger. They will do anything to restore the story and have the story validated. ...and that's what disrupted the story in my case. Having a family completely changes a lot of things. If he was completely dependent on your attention and validation, the idea of sharing your attention might break the situation. Now, I need to stop and say that with narcissism, he wouldn't appear to be needy. The opposite. He would have an almost perfect or grandiose self image and presence. But underneath it, he would be dependent on your attention and validation of that image to maintain that view of himself. And that view of himself would be what makes it possible to make it through each day with the pain and emotional damage he has. Think of a small toddler with a favorite blanket. As long as they have that blanket they are happy. I'm not sure exactly what his blanket is, but if you're changing the story and planning a family, he may be imagining a future where he's not sure if he is going to have his blanket half the time. If what he took refuge in was his self image of his achievements in some hobby, it might not seem like having a kid would disrupt that. But with a kid in the picture, he only has half your attention to validate how cool or good he is at the hobby. And again, there wouldn't be a needy appearance. The appearance would be "all that and a bag of chips", but underneath it, to maintain that view of himself he would require attention, validation, admiration, and approval. I'm not sure if narcissism is what you are facing or not. But if it is, what I wrote would make sense. If you look into it, things you hear or read would just click into place as an explanation for what you have experienced. I should add that in a way you might be very fortunate. In my case we went ahead and had a child. My ex got angry and hostile. I lived with that for a year, trying to keep the family together. If this is going the wrong direction, you may be fortunate that it ends before there are children. I wouldn't trade my child for taking back any of what I went through. But in a forward facing decision, if wanted a child and I had enough advanced indication things would unfold the way they did, I would have to seek someone else who I could create a cohesive family unit with. . Wow. You nailed it. That's him. "say that with narcissism, he wouldn't appear to be needy. The opposite. He would have an almost perfect or grandiose self image and presence. But underneath it, he would be dependent on your attention and validation of that image to maintain that view of himself. " He was SOOOOO needy, still is, but the facade was that of a confident, put together man. I was called controlling because for years I attempted to turn him into a team player. Instead of trying to be a team player and be a good husband, he just called me controlling. Funny that now that our marriage is ending he is telling me that I was right. That in addition to the counsellor calling him a narcissistic sociopath, his mom said that she suspected he was but didn't know how to tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MellyMel Posted January 11, 2016 Author Share Posted January 11, 2016 Despite the fact that he wants out of the marriage and is moving out, I still care and worry about him. I'm distant now because I have to care about myself, put myself first. He had one foot out of the door for a long time, and appears to be coping with everything just fine. I do worry that once he moves out and I no longer have contact with him (because as hard as it is, I can't communicate with him after he moves out. I have to heal myself)...it will all hit him and he won't cope very well with HIS decision. I could be wrong. He could end up bouncing back in a matter of days. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts