Calling Off My Engagement.....

[TheGuard13]

This sounds very similar to what happened to a coworker. Once his then girlfriend agreed to marriage, he went on an a soup diet (for lunch at least) for a year before their wedding (to save money), which also happened to be in Hawaii. He was cranky all the time, even to us, his coworkers. Is it possible he was stressing about the wedding itself?

 

This.

 

Speaking as someone who just got married, engagements can be really hard. Even good things in life can cause stress, depression, and anxiety. Engagements are even more stressful when you're planning and paying for the wedding and honeymoon yourselves.

 

My wife and I decided to have a moderately expensive wedding (not Hawaii, not by a long shot), and the planning and financial aspects and stress of it were still absolutely awful. She became stressed out and largely obsessed with it, and I eventually reacted by withdrawing somewhat and working more...partially because I didn't feel like wasting energy when I was essentially being neglected in favor of this looming event, and partially because I had to in order to pay for things. We had more than a few "I hate you and never want to see you again" fights, but we made up and worked through things.

 

Also, if he's got his own contracting business, odds are he's working more this time of year anyway. I'm in insurance, and every contractor I know and talk to the last few months is backed up and weeks behind.

 

I'm curious what he said or what happpened that was so horrible that you decided so abruptly to call it off.

 

Establishing some space until you feel like you can talk about things is probably a good idea, as long as there continues to be respectful communication (not silent treatment, etc).

Edited November 28, 2015 by TheGuard13

[BluEyeL]

You expected the relationship to be exciting forever?.... Sounds like you were scared of it growing into something mature. Mature relationships don't need excitement and they don't fear the other person losing interest either. Planning a wedding is a frustrating, irritating experience and guys get cold feet but eventually pull out of it.

 

Sorry to say but I think you bailed on something perfectly good out of a need to feel like you were dating forever.

 

That is my feeling too. That is corroborated with the fact that you ended previous long term relationships and engagements. A mature relationship and/or marriage has a different dynamic and is not as exciting as in the beginning. Based on the very limited information you provided, it seems that you are afraid of commitment and when a relationship gets there you end it.

 

The information is limited, maybe he turned abusive or there is some other kind of information you did not provide, otherwise I have to agree with Budhist. That's OK though, if that's what you want, if marriage and babies is not a lifestyle you want for yourself. But admit it to yourself that this is your pattern and you can only have limited relationships that are committed only up to a point.

[Buddhist]

Everybody needs space after abuse.

 

And abuse hardly increases love...

 

So her reaction is spot on. Just a shame we are kinda berating her.

 

Temporarily remove yourself from target and abuse. Negotiate later.

 

That's a healthy thing and a great agitation towards accountability and change.

 

She did do something about the abuse. She won't bear it.

 

You make it sound like it was a punch-up, it wasn't, it was an argument. Sure a nasty one and sometimes arguments do get nasty that's human nature to lash out in the heat of the moment. It wasn't a situation of her living under a constant barrage of disparaging statements about her worth, as real abusive relationship are. It was a temporary irritation on the part of a partner that has otherwise treated her well until this rough patch.

 

I still maintain the same position. Bailing out of the house, even for a few days, is a last resort. Running away from confrontations damages relationships in the same way that giving someone the silent treatment does. I understand conflict avoidance, I suffer from it myself. But quitting the marriage home does actually create an atmosphere of mistrust between the two. If this is what she does when they have a fairly common and [expected] trial then what perception is he going to have of how she might handle something a lot more serious? Partnerships for the longterm are built on trust. Knowing your partner heads out the door and stays at a friends house for a few days at the first sign of difficulty doesn't build a lot of trust and it also lowers the opportunity to repair the relationship as the reconciliation talk must now be scheduled rather than happen spontaneously.

 

What if he realised his mistake by the afternoon and decided to apologise and make amends by bringing home flowers or dinner and having a chat? He comes home to discover a post-it on the fridge with words to the effect of.....well when I'm ready you can talk to me. It actually compounds whatever disagreement they have because he's been thwarted in his efforts and he's not going to repeat the same gesture just because she's rescheduled. He's also now going to bring another grievance to the table on top of the existing one. Such as why she feels the need to hide out in a friends house, and make their relationship issues a matter of public knowledge amoung friends he's going to face at every important event.

 

Again, if she was in any real danger I would advocate leave. But so far, I see nothing more than the usual stress and arguments that occur in all relationships. I believe her when she says he was verbally abusive, but jesus everyone is when they're in a corner. There has to be a threshold of tolerance otherwise this relationship will be on a hair trigger, with her overnight bag basically packed 24/7. My impression from the OP was that this was nothing more than.....oh jeez my boyfriend doesn't pay enough attention to me. It certainly did not have any real elements of urgency of dire problem about it. That was something that only came out further in the piece. If it wasn't important enough to include in the opening post then it wasn't really that big.

 

And my response really came from the attitude she revealed that yes, she suspected that he would stop paying attention to her once she agreed to marry him. In all honesty it really sounded like a play for attention than anything else. That kind of drama kills relationship very quickly.

Edited November 28, 2015 by Buddhist

[katiegrl]

Thanks for your post Buddhist .... but I did not leave because of that one incident .... which happened yesterday, for which he never even apologized.

 

We were also not having an argument when it happened, and it's happened a few times since we got engaged. So yeah it's becoming a pattern.

 

Before engagement, he never even raised his voice to me.

 

He has been shutting me out ever since we got engaged (almost immediately after) and it's getting progressively worse.

 

Also to BluEyel....I am fairly certain I posted earlier that ever since my parents died, and receiving therapy, I am wanting and needing MORE closeness and togetherness ....so no I am not the one with commitment issues.

 

I was extremely excited about marrying him, and trusted he felt the same, especially since he had been asking me to marry him for years.

 

We both have struggled with commitment issues in the past...hence the reason I broke off my one engagement...but that relationship was not the right relationship for me so there were other factors too...

 

But again, since receiving therapy, I have grown, evolved. I wanted to make that huge commitment, I was ready for it. I am ready for true intimacy, closeness.

 

Less space which is how it's always been with us (lots of space).. Not complaining, it worked for years, but I need more now.

 

I still love him like crazy, and still want to marry him...but not as things stand now ...with my fiance continuing to shut me out and lashing out at me. I deserve better than that.

 

We will talk Sunday evening. I will share with him my feelings and encourage him to do the same....

 

Thanks again....

Edited November 28, 2015 by katiegrl

[Qboro90]

Thanks for your post Buddhist .... but I did not leave because of that one incident .... which happened yesterday, for which he never even apologized.

 

We were also not having an argument when it happened, and it's happened a few times since we got engaged. So yeah it's becoming a pattern.

 

Before engagement, he never even raised his voice to me.

 

He has been shutting me out ever since we got engaged (almost immediately after) and it's getting progressively worse.

 

Also to BluEyel....I am fairly certain I posted earlier that ever since my parents died, and receiving therapy, I am wanting and needing MORE closeness and togetherness ....so no I am not the one with commitment issues.

 

I was extremely excited about marrying him, and trusted he felt the same, especially since he had been asking me to marry him for years.

 

We both have struggled with commitment issues in the past...hence the reason I broke off my one engagement...but that relationship was not the right relationship for me so there were other factors too...

 

But again, since receiving therapy, I have grown, evolved. I wanted to make that huge commitment, I was ready for it. I am ready for true intimacy, closeness.

 

Less space which is how it's always been with us (lots of space).. Not complaining, it worked for years, but I need more now.

 

I still love him like crazy, and still want to marry him...but not as things stand now ...with my fiance continuing to shut me out and lashing out at me. I deserve better than that.

 

We will talk Sunday evening. I will share with him my feelings and encourage him to do the same....

 

Thanks again....

 

 

So when you see him Sunday... And if he says "I've been freaking out the last couple days, you just packed up and left with only a note for me to go on as to why, what the heck is going on!?! You're calling off the wedding? What's wrong?"

 

How are you going to explain it and basically get what's bothering you off your chest in a nutshell?

 

I.E. - "Ever since we got engaged I feel like you've been distant, working more, and not excited about our future as I would hope. You've also raised your voice to me which you never did before and after it happened a couple times I started wondering whether or not this was how you'd treat me for the rest of our lives"

[Qboro90]

Just trying to point out how having an idea how to concisely express the motives behind your departure and canceling the wedding will be important in getting him to understand and possibly address those concerns and hopefully rectify them.

[losangelena]

Katie, I honestly think you just need to do you right now. You seem to know best what you need, and are taking the steps and are giving yourself the time you need to do them.

 

I know people on here are for the most part well-intentioned, but even in that, the advice can be a little hard to take. If it feels like you're getting ganged-up on, I'm sorry. You are the best expert on your relationship, and I know that whatever you decide to do, you'll learn something valuable.

 

Get offline for a while. Don't worry about defending yourself. If people here get the wrong idea, then that's fine, let them. You know the score, you know what's going on, and more than advice right now you need encouragement. Well, hugs and prayers and courage to you, my dear. You are smart and fierce and strong. I hope that what you're going through will lead you to places of great vulnerability and truth, whatever that may be.

[guest569]

Katie, I'm so shocked and saddened by this thread. That really sucks. I agree with the bubble bath, time and space. *hugs* here if you need a yarn.

[katiegrl]

Oh good lord, Qboro, the way he spoke to me, it was more .... much MUCH more than him *raising his voice to me.*

 

Please read my posts again, I am so tired of having to repeat myself. What I said was, before engagement, he never even raised his voice to me. Only to point out the contrast between then and now, and how much his behavior has changed!

 

And why are some of you faulting me for needing to take some space? Frankly, I am shocked by that.

 

I will not tell you the words he's used, but the man has said some very cruel things to me, degrading things that would be considered by most to be verbally abusive! Not once, but many times since we got engaged. I told him each time it was unacceptable, but it continued and it's getting worse.

 

Plus, he has not been communicating with me, shutting me out, does not wish to have sex with me...WTF!

 

But I am the one with *commitment* issues? The immature one? Give me a fu*ckin break, please.

 

To those who have remained neutral, and been supportive, thank you!

 

But I am tired of being criticized by some posters who have not read all my posts or who don't understand them....and who insist on re-writing history.

 

He does not know I had planned to call off the wedding. Qboro, I have no idea what hat you plucked that from.

 

I am a big girl and I know what I am doing. I know what to say and will say it Sunday evening when we talk. I have no idea what will happen except for if he doesn't start treating me with love and RESPECT again, I am gone.

 

Nuff said....thanks again to all who have offered support. You rock!

[katiegrl]

Katie, I honestly think you just need to do you right now. You seem to know best what you need, and are taking the steps and are giving yourself the time you need to do them.

 

I know people on here are for the most part well-intentioned, but even in that, the advice can be a little hard to take. If it feels like you're getting ganged-up on, I'm sorry. You are the best expert on your relationship, and I know that whatever you decide to do, you'll learn something valuable.

 

Get offline for a while. Don't worry about defending yourself. If people here get the wrong idea, then that's fine, let them. You know the score, you know what's going on, and more than advice right now you need encouragement. Well, hugs and prayers and courage to you, my dear. You are smart and fierce and strong. I hope that what you're going through will lead you to places of great vulnerability and truth, whatever that may be.

 

Thank you!!!!! :)

 

And I WILL take your advice and stay off this forum.

 

Wow, what an eye-opener. Un-freakin believable.

 

I will however, stay in touch with you and a few others.

 

Peace out.

 

Ciao.

[Qboro90]

Oh good lord, Qboro, the way he spoke to me, it was more .... much MUCH more than him *raising his voice to me.*

 

Please read my posts again, I am so tired of having to repeat myself. What I said was, before engagement, he never even raised his voice to me. Only to point out the contrast between then and now, and how much his behavior has changed!

 

And why are some of you faulting me for needing to take some space? Frankly, I am shocked by that.

 

I will not tell you the words he's used, but the man has said some very cruel things to me, degrading things that would be considered by most to be verbally abusive! Not once, but many times since we got engaged. I told him each time it was unacceptable, but it continued and it's getting worse.

 

Plus, he has not been communicating with me, shutting me out, does not wish to have sex with me...WTF!

 

But I am the one with *commitment* issues? The immature one? Give me a fu*ckin break, please.

 

To those who have remained neutral, and been supportive, thank you!

 

But I am tired of being criticized by some posters who have not read all my posts or who don't understand them....and who insist on re-writing history.

 

He does not know I had planned to call off the wedding. Qboro, I have no idea what hat you plucked that from.

 

I am a big girl and I know what I am doing. I know what to say and will say it Sunday evening when we talk. I have no idea what will happen except for if he doesn't start treating me with love and RESPECT again, I am gone.

 

Nuff said....thanks again to all who have offered support. You rock!

 

 

Wowza.... My goodness... I was actually asking you in order to preemptively think of how you will have this discussion with your partner so that it goes as well as possible and you're able to voice your concerns clearly and concisely. I find that when I'm upset with my gf, I try to think "what's the easiest way I can explain this so that she understands where I'm coming from and the point I'm trying to get across". That way it allows us to maturely talk and work through it instead of getting into an arguing match.

 

Never once did I say you were immature, never once did I say you weren't entitled to your space and how to deal with this as you'd like. Never alluded to condoning his behavior or verbal abuse whatsoever. In fact I was very clear that the replies given were not meant to attack or criticize you in any way and also added that I hadn't had the time to read through every single one of the posts in this thread which would take quite some time.

 

Posing a question as to what you can do in order to get the best outcome from your upcoming discussion with him is offensive to you how?

 

Quite frankly you snap at people and are very combative when it comes to replying to anything you disagree with or you feel isn't being understood. Having gone through the effort to point out that my intentions at least we're to either give another perspective or ways to get your BF to understand your reason for leaving as well as clearly saying you can take it or leave it, I find it rude to be greeted with such an underlying tone of aggressiveness.

 

After seeing that I can only imagine how this manifests in your relationships and what a peach you must be.

[Qboro90]

"Where did I pluck off calling off the wedding from?"

 

Maybe it could be the title of the thread being "Calling off my Engagement..."

 

Pretty clear.... I'll remove myself from this thread as there's no positivity thats foreseeable from continuing...Best of luck, hope things work out for the best.

[katiegrl]

 

 

**So when you see him Sunday... And if he says "I've been freaking out the last couple days, you just packed up and left with only a note for me to go on as to why, what the heck is going on!?! You're calling off the wedding? What's wrong?"***

 

 

 

How are you going to explain it and basically get what's bothering you off your chest in a nutshell?

 

I.E. - "Ever since we got engaged I feel like you've been distant, working more, and not excited about our future as I would hope. You've also raised your voice to me which you never did before and after it happened a couple times I started wondering whether or not this was how you'd treat me for the rest of our lives"

 

Qboro, please see the quote in asterisk. Re what you imagined he will say to me when we talk.

 

He is not freaking out. And no he will not ask me why I am calling off the wedding, because again, I never told him I was calling off the wedding.

 

And I never said *you* accused me of being immature or having commitment issues, but *others* certainly have...it's hurtful, at least now while my feeling are this raw.....

 

I do appreciate your suggestion as to how to broach the convo with him Sunday.

 

Take care....

[Gaeta]

Wowza.... My goodness... I was actually asking you in order to preemptively think of how you will have this discussion with your partner so that it goes as well as possible and you're able to voice your concerns clearly and concisely. I find that when I'm upset with my gf, I try to think "what's the easiest way I can explain this so that she understands where I'm coming from and the point I'm trying to get across". That way it allows us to maturely talk and work through it instead of getting into an arguing match.

 

Never once did I say you were immature, never once did I say you weren't entitled to your space and how to deal with this as you'd like. Never alluded to condoning his behavior or verbal abuse whatsoever. In fact I was very clear that the replies given were not meant to attack or criticize you in any way and also added that I hadn't had the time to read through every single one of the posts in this thread which would take quite some time.

 

Posing a question as to what you can do in order to get the best outcome from your upcoming discussion with him is offensive to you how?

 

Quite frankly you snap at people and are very combative when it comes to replying to anything you disagree with or you feel isn't being understood. Having gone through the effort to point out that my intentions at least we're to either give another perspective or ways to get your BF to understand your reason for leaving as well as clearly saying you can take it or leave it, I find it rude to be greeted with such an underlying tone of aggressiveness.

 

After seeing that I can only imagine how this manifests in your relationships and what a peach you must be.

 

Qboro: I am not sure you're grasping the severity of the situation. I was married 15 years and sometimes a situation gets so bad you have no choice but to remove yourself from the home for a cool down moment. If you don't do that than it's just asking for more fights and more hurtful words. Some bad situations are like an out of control train, no conversation will stop it, you actually have to make a cut and remove yourself.

 

You give an example when you're upset with your girlfriend, katie's case is beyond 'being upset at each other'. The situation is at a place where they 'make it or break it'. When you reach that point in a relationship there is no logical thinking in the heat of the moment.

 

And yes! you may think she is snapping and you would be snapping too if you were in her situation and felt you're about to lose a 6 year relationship.

[Qboro90]

Qboro, please see the quote in asterisk. Re what you imagined he will say to me when we talk.

 

He is not freaking out. And no he will not ask me why I am calling off the wedding, because again, I never told him I was calling off the wedding.

 

And I never said *you* accused me of being immature or having commitment issues, but *others* certainly have...it's hurtful, at least now while my feeling are this raw.....

 

I do appreciate your suggestion as to how to broach the convo with him Sunday.

 

Take care....

 

 

The asterisk quote you point out is just a a hypothetical I used to express the point of "try to think of a simple way to express all the emotion and hurt you're feeling over the last few weeks/months in a way that will allow him to see why you left and possibly understand it without having to go back and forth with a conversation that gets into the weeds or digresses off point if he interrupts you.

 

 

It's not what I imagined he'd say. It's just worded to pose the question "if he asks me to explain what the heck has been going on and why I left with just that note for him to go on...how can I get everything I wanna say/express into a quick and to the point reply that pinpoints the actual concern underneath it all"

 

You're interpreting that quote as what I perceived his feeling and reaction to be. When in fact I have no clue what he's feelin or how he will react. But any guy who is in this situation would in all liklihood want to know "what's going on, why are you doing this/explain what I did to make you leave". How he words it is irrelevant and not the point. How you explain it so that it's not interpreted or felt as an assault on him personally is important if she wants to see if they can work things out.

 

Gaeta - the severity is understood. Never said she shouldn't remove herself until calmer heads prevail. However I'm aware enough to know that eventually she will be addressing it and him, so suggesting ways to try and get them to "make it" instead of "break it" was my intention.

[BluEyeL]

If he called you names more than once, then indeed the right thing to do is to end it. Either way hope this difficult time passes and you are happy again, in or out of this relationship.

[Maggie4]

From the title, and the poster, I had assumed this must be an old post from years ago, that's why I never clicked on it until now.

 

The snapping at someone, is not excusable by "stress". You have to be a certain type of person, and feel a certain way about your victim, to snap at them just because you feel stressed. Guy comes home from a stressful day at work and punches his wife : NOT OK.

 

However, Katie you've known him for six years, and if he had been this bully you'd never have agreed to be his punching bag. So I don't think this is him. Also, guy who are abusive often go hot and cold. Punches today, flowers tomorrow, repeat. That's not what you're seeing.

 

It seems to me your fiance is deliberately pushing you away. Possibly, when he finally has the ultimate happiness within his reach, he must sabotage it. There are unfortunate people, perhaps due to childhood problems, who cannot bear the weight of happiness.

 

And I'm not sure if it's fear of commitment either. Four years is already longer than some marriages. He has essentially already been in a committed relationship with you, and living together. With divorce so common these days, is a marriage license really that much more of a commitment?

 

I think when you talk to him, you should really suggest counseling together. He may not understand his own confusion. He might say stuff about being stressed, etc. but what does that mean for you? A lifetime of being snapped at whenever he's stressed? Men are often not as good at sorting out their feelings, so they just say "stress". He needs a therapist to help him understand why he's sabotaging something that he has wanted for a long time.

[losangelena]

After seeing that I can only imagine how this manifests in your relationships and what a peach you must be.

 

Qboro, I understand you're just trying to make a point, and to help, but please remember that Katie is in the middle of a really hard situation. I know she's equally trying to prove her point and defend herself, but she's also raw and hurting. Comments like the above are uncalled for, in my opinion, a pot shot.

[SummerDreams]

So from what I get you used to have a bg who was right for you because he was not needy and wanted space just like you but after 6 years you find yourself wanting something more intimate but he can't follow. I think this story is a usual one between couples who grow up in different times. It's a common story to hear someone say "why was I with this person for all this time anyway?". The answer is because you had similar points of view but not this has changed. I agree with you breaking up with him. There is nothing else you can do to be honest. You can't wait for him until he realizes intimacy is a good thing because he may never realize it. He may stay the emotionally unavailable guy he is today forever. You don't want that. What you want is take some time for yourself and figure out the changes that are happening in your mind and soul. Figure out how you want to go on with your life and focus on finding the person who will give this exact thing to you. Compromise with nothing less than that. Good luck girl. I admire your courage and self respect.

[bluefeather]

They rush in fast ...then freak out....and rush out just as fast when reality hits.

 

...

 

I have decided to call off my engagement.

 

Can you see this?

[candie13]

hi, katie

 

I am lost for words as to what it is that you are going through. It looked as if you two were both happy with a certain emotional distance and things were working out - since you started to talk marriage. But when something hit the boat and you started to do some soul searching, you've realized you need more emotional closeness which might have triggered him.

 

There's always a dynamic, in all RS.

 

All these being said, if my bf and I had a fight and I was was off but we'd been living together for 6 years, I would expect him to make my life hell and fight some more until we sort it out. I would not expect my bf of 6 years to take off and leave me a note. That is the definition of passive aggressive.

 

You need to talk and share and be vulnerable in front of him, be brave and courageous. I understand you need time off and you are hurting, but you cannot just take off like that, in the middle of hell and expect him to just be this emotionally available god, ready to take you in his arms and admit his faults. he's only human - like you.

 

Please read about the abandonment pattern. It is possible, now that you've suffered a huge emotional loss because of your parents - that you want to protect yourself against the loss of your bf... by breaking up with him yourself. Some people will run and hide, when under emotional pressure. Please don't. this is the automatic pilot. Stay there. Talk. Discuss. Ask questions. Please do not just leave and disappear. Nothing good will come of it.

 

If I wanted to marry a dude and he left me with a note after a bad fight, I would actually reconsider marriage because I don't want this sort of ambivalence in my life, in a partner that I intend to share the rest of my life with and whom I want to count and depend on when I am old and ugly and sick and poor and fat and... whatever, you name it.

 

Don't leave.

[bluefeather]

One more time...

 

And for the last time, I am NOT *running away*.

...

I have decided to call off my engagement.

[Gaeta]

hi, katie

If I wanted to marry a dude and he left me with a note after a bad fight, I would actually reconsider marriage because I don't want this sort of ambivalence in my life, in a partner that I intend to share the rest of my life with and whom I want to count and depend on when I am old and ugly and sick and poor and fat and... whatever, you name it.

 

Don't leave.

 

But it's not a bad fight. It's on ongoing situation since they got engaged and I believe it's been a few months now. She spoke to him, she told him his behavior is hurting, she told him she feels him distancing himself and shutting her out, she did all that, he was not willing to open up.

 

How long is a woman to wait before putting her foot down and say: 'Warning: I am at my breaking point'.

 

Another thing, I don't think Katie changed the dynamic of their relationship by suddenly wanting more closeness. I think before their engagement they were both in a happy relationship dynamic. When they got engaged he pulled away and THAT'S what is making her wanting more closeness and it's normal when someone pulls away our reaction is to want that closeness back.

[Lansing]

I am glad that other posters convinced you not to leave a note to explain why it was over and that you left room to have a discussion about this.

 

To be honest, if a girl even left me a note saying "I need time away" I would feel like SHE is the one running away.

 

 

I dated a girl last year who seemed really into me and I was more hesitant because it seemed very "rushed". Her feelings were really intense but I wanted to pace things more and not get into seeing her more than a couple of times a week. Well, at one point she freaked out and asked me "What is going on??"" because I was busy with work and she thought I was using that as an excuse to not spend time with her (even though I would send her fun pics of stuff I was doing at work at least so she could feel a bit connected to what was going on in my life). In the end, I felt like she only cared about herself and HER needs and couldn't be there to support the busiest time of my career. We tried having a conversation about things but I felt she already made up her mind that I wasn't into her enough and although I tried to make things work she basically didn't want to proceed and ended things. That gave me an idea of how she dealt with relationships and the way she reacted to me in that moment made me a lot less attracted to her.

 

So, my suggestion for you is to not go into your Sunday conversation already "knowing" why he doesn't want to have sex with you, doesn't want to spend as much time with you, etc. Stress can really CHANGE people and in different ways. Maybe he just happens to be at a point in his life where he is super stressed out and you just haven't seen that before in him.

[candie13]

But it's not a bad fight. It's on ongoing situation since they got engaged and I believe it's been a few months now. She spoke to him, she told him his behavior is hurting, she told him she feels him distancing himself and shutting her out, she did all that, he was not willing to open up.

 

How long is a woman to wait before putting her foot down and say: 'Warning: I am at my breaking point'.

 

Another thing, I don't think Katie changed the dynamic of their relationship by suddenly wanting more closeness. I think before their engagement they were both in a happy relationship dynamic. When they got engaged he pulled away and THAT'S what is making her wanting more closeness and it's normal when someone pulls away our reaction is to want that closeness back.

 

Hi, Gaeta. I am sorry, this is not the impression that I have from the OP's posts. She keeps saying she "will talk" to her bf. I did not understand that she had been trying to talk to him for months. I understood the situation was lasting for month and it culminated with her bf's violent verbal abuse. But that she never expressed herself, her needs, her emotions and she never gave him a chance to talk... as she was bottling down her own bad feelings first.

 

True RS starts when you allow your partner to see you naked and vulnerable and then see his reaction - if he opens up or bails out. OP just packs up and leaves... yet she expects a true RS. True RS start with the person looking back at you in the mirror first.

 

In none of her posts, did the OP say: guys, I talked to him million times. I sat down with him and tried in very many crazy ways to explain to him how he makes me feel and he closed me out and wouldn't listen or talk or whatever. Sorry, Gaeta, one of us is projecting and the other one is looking at facts.