Calling Off My Engagement.....

[katiegrl]

Bastard.

 

Thanks for your support girl...but no he is not a bastard.

 

He didn't mislead me intentionally ....I truly believe he thought he was ready for this...

 

But he is not....and we can't go back now ....

 

So it ends.

 

I am hurt, I am sad, but you know what? I will be okay.

 

People change, relationships change, I accept that.

 

We learn ..we grow....ideally together....in our case, we didn't.

 

I know my rationale sounds weird being that a six year relationship is ending and I should feel devastated but I am not....I think I am a bit numb tbh.

[losangelena]

Thanks for your support girl...but no he is not a bastard.

 

He didn't mislead me intentionally ....I truly believe he thought he was ready for this...

 

But he is not....and we can't go back now ....

 

So it ends.

 

I am hurt, I am sad, but you know what? I will be okay.

 

People change, relationships change, I accept that.

 

We learn ..we grow....ideally together....in our case, we didn't.

 

I know my rationale sounds weird being that a six year relationship is ending and I should feel devastated but I am not....I think I am a bit numb tbh.

 

Well, numbness/shock is only just the beginning. Hold tight, 'cause the emotional storm's coming.

[katiegrl]

I don't know your story or background, just reading this thread screams something is off here, with you, not him.

 

You said that before you were engaged, you BOTH liked your space, but now YOU want closeness and togetherness.

 

I think you're misinterpreting him continuing to like his space for "pulling away." No, he's just maintaining the status quo, whereas you're the one changing it. If anything, he's resisting your change. One person doesn't get to call the shots of the dynamic in a relationship, but it seems like that's what you're trying to do, and upset that you're not getting your way.

 

No hun.... snapping at me, not communicating with me, working longer hours, not being excited to have sex with me.....etc is definitely NOT him maintaining the *status quo*.

 

And as I said, I have not been pushing for more closeness, that is my own internal feeling.

 

In fact, my behavior and attitude have been the exact same as it has ALWAYS been.

 

He has definitely pulled away, emotionally and physically, almost immediately after engagement ....that HE pushed for.

 

Thank you for your response though...

Edited November 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[blueskyday]

Hug to you, Katie.

[katiegrl]

Katie obviously knows better than any of us what things are like between them. So if she's decided to end it, it's the right decision for her.

 

I just think the execution could be better. Leaving a note and simply disappearing after nearly six years seems REALLY harsh. It seems like he's at least entitled to be told to his face why it's over. Just my .02..

 

Thanks fitnessfan.... we *will* talk I promise you....

 

My note will tell him where I am, and that I think it's best we both take some space....

 

I highly doubt he will take issue with that....I can't imagine he's been happy either .....getting all annoyed at silly shyt, etc.

 

In a couple of days we will talk when I don't feel so emotional and reactionary...

 

But yeah I have made up my mind so not much he could say in that regard.....but yes of course we need a face to face....and will have that.

[Shining One]

Well, since agreeing and planning our wedding in Hawaii next year, it's all changed, HE has changed. He just doesn't seem as excited about me anymore! He snaps at me for no reason, starting working more hours....our relationship just seems cold now, as opposed to prior to engagement when our relationship was always exciting and HOT.

This sounds very similar to what happened to a coworker. Once his then girlfriend agreed to marriage, he went on an a soup diet (for lunch at least) for a year before their wedding (to save money), which also happened to be in Hawaii. He was cranky all the time, even to us, his coworkers. Is it possible he was stressing about the wedding itself?

[dobielover]

Leaving a note and simply disappearing after nearly six years seems REALLY harsh. It seems like he's at least entitled to be told to his face why it's over. Just my .02..

 

Not just harsh, but cruel. This sounds like the behavior of someone who's scared and emotionally unavailable and looking for an out.

[katiegrl]

This sounds very similar to what happened to a coworker. Once his then girlfriend agreed to marriage, he went on an a soup diet (for lunch at least) for a year before their wedding (to save money), which also happened to be in Hawaii. He was cranky all the time, even to us, his coworkers. Is it possible he was stressing about the wedding itself?

 

What exactly are you suggesting?

 

That the planning of the *wedding* is stressing him out?

 

And not the actual commitment itself?

 

Did your friend have a history of commitment issues prior to meeting his girlfriend?

 

What happened.....did they get married?

[GemmaUK]

Something isn't adding up here for me.

Even within the past month you have raved on here about your relationship and engagement and how amazing things are for you.

 

You say you haven't changed but you clearly have.

 

I do recall you mentioned at one time that you used to be a bit needy with this guy in the beginning.

I think that has surfaced again and he is feeling smothered.

 

 

You are putting all this on him.

He may very well just be reacting and pulling back some as he doesn't know why you have changed especially if you have not even talked.

It's not like you have been together a month - this is years! Surely he deserves a conversation instead of just a note??!!

[katiegrl]

Not just harsh, but cruel. This sounds like the behavior of someone who's scared and emotionally unavailable and looking for an out.

 

LOL ....damn straight I am scared.

 

Scared of marrying a man who fears true intimacy, closeness and *togetherness*.

 

Which he does!

[smackie9]

I am not *assuming* it's over smackie ...it IS over.....MY choice!

 

As I said in my original post, since engagement he has been pulling away ...not due to anything I am doing, I have been the exact same as prior to engagement.

 

He is pulling away because clearly he is feeling uncomfortable with this huge commitment we are embarking on.....it was almost immediately after.....and that is a huge red flag. And frankly not one I wish to deal with.

 

I dunno, maybe we just need some time apart....who knows.

 

All I know is that this *coldness* I am getting from him is very hurtful and detrimental to my emotional health ...so am leaving.

 

Again MY choice.

I don't think you are giving him a chance to redeem himself for his behavior. I feel you should at least just tell him exactly how you feel to his face instead of scurrying away in fear. I think he deserves at least that.

 

 

I tell you right now, you yourself are unfit for marriage if you just drop and run at the first sign of trouble.

[dobielover]

LOL ....damn straight I am scared.

 

Scared of marrying a man who fears true intimacy, closeness and *togetherness*.

 

Which he does!

 

I'd say that a person who runs away after six years at the first sign of something troubling without a conversation and a chance for the other to fix the problem is the one who fears true intimacy, closeness and togetherness. That would be you, Katie.

[katiegrl]

Something isn't adding up here for me.

Even within the past month you have raved on here about your relationship and engagement and how amazing things are for you.

 

You say you haven't changed but you clearly have.

 

I do recall you mentioned at one time that you used to be a bit needy with this guy in the beginning.

I think that has surfaced again and he is feeling smothered.

 

 

You are putting all this on him.

He may very well just be reacting and pulling back some as he doesn't know why you have changed especially if you have not even talked.

It's not like you have been together a month - this is years! Surely he deserves a conversation instead of just a note??!!

 

No Gemma, I have posted that **HE*** was needy in the beginning ....wanting to spend all his free time with me, etc....*I* was the one who put on the breaks!

 

Which by the way, him rushing in fast as he did is a huge indicator of commitment issues. I knew that which is why I made a point to slow him down!

 

They rush in fast ...then freak out....and rush out just as fast when reality hits.

 

I slowed him down so he didn't freak....and I have been slowing him down ever since, which kept his freaking out in check.

 

**Until** I finally agreed to marry him...it was THEN he started to freak, it was obvious!

 

And no offense but please read my posts.

 

I have asserted more than once that my wanting more closeness and togetherness are my own *internal* feelings.....I have not indicated to him that I need more closeness and togetherness..... I have remained the exact same as I have always been...

 

So there is no chance of him feeling *smothered* ....that is impossible.

Edited November 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

I'd say that a person who runs away after six years at the first sign of something troubling without a conversation and a chance for the other to fix the problem is the one who fears true intimacy, closeness and togetherness. That would be you, Katie.

 

Well I already explained that I DO intend to talk to him and am not *running away* so......:bunny:

Edited November 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[LostOnes05]

Sorry to hear that Katie. Nothing really to add. I wish the best for you.

[losangelena]

Well I already explained that I DO intend to talk to him and am not *running away* so......:bunny:

 

I was gonna say something, but was like, "nah, girl know how to defend herself."

[ExpatInItaly]

As the others have said, I would think the mature thing to do is at least talk to him and explain why you are breaking up with him. It doesn't appear you are interested in working things out if you haven't spoken to him about this and his "freaking out."Which is your prerogative, of course.

 

But I have to echo some others who are also a little surprised. Your posts generally gave the impression that the relationship was a happy one; I can recall you supporting the need for some men to pull away. So the turnaround is unexpected. But anyway, good luck moving forward.

[Oregon_Dude]

I do agree that this is unexpected, as a reader, and that you always "projected" being very happy in your r/s. Which leads me to question again things women say in general.

 

There's how we want things to be and how things are, and I think most of us pretend like our lives are amazing... hence, Facebook.

[katiegrl]

As the others have said, I would think the mature thing to do is at least talk to him and explain why you are breaking up with him. It doesn't appear you are interested in working things out if you haven't spoken to him about this and his "freaking out."Which is your prerogative, of course.

 

But I have to echo some others who are also a little surprised. Your posts generally gave the impression that the relationship was a happy one; I can recall you supporting the need for some men to pull away. So the turnaround is unexpected. But anyway, good luck moving forward.

 

Thank you Expat ....and I presume you will read the rest of the posts, especially from me wherein I assert that I do plan on talking to him?

 

I was very VERY happy for a long long time, even after he started getting cranky (after engagement) ....I overlooked a lot hoping it was just sort of a phase.. but it became clear to me especially this past week with the holiday, that something was very very off...

 

His snapping at me started sounding almost abusive.....so that shyt ends today. I don't tolerate that crap from anyone!

[losangelena]

I think it's really normal to want to believe the best about your relationship, though, right?

 

I don't think it's so much that Katie wanted everyone to THINK her relationship was so amazing, but that SHE wanted to BELIEVE that she and her fiancee had beaten the odds of their relationship histories to come together. Maybe that's what you meant by "projecting," I dunno.

 

Either way, it does seem like reality has fully dawned.

[Oregon_Dude]

Maybe that's what you meant by "projecting," I dunno.

By projecting, I just mean the way she presented her r/s to us. Not as in projecting her r/s onto that of others and seeing theirs through her lens.

 

In any case, this sh*t f*cking sucks. So much heartbreak out there. It's a wonder couples stay on the same page for years at a time.

[GemmaUK]

No Gemma, I have posted that **HE*** was needy in the beginning ....wanting to spend all his free time with me, etc....*I* was the one who put on the breaks!

 

Which by the way, him rushing in fast as he did is a huge indicator of commitment issues. I knew that which is why I made a point to slow him down!

 

They rush in fast ...then freak out....and rush out just as fast when reality hits.

 

I slowed him down so he didn't freak....and I have been slowing him down ever since, which kept his freaking out in check.

 

**Until** I finally agreed to marry him...it was THEN he started to freak, it was obvious!

 

And no offense but please read my posts.

 

I have asserted more than once that my wanting more closeness and togetherness are my own *internal* feelings.....I have not indicated to him that I need more closeness and togetherness..... I have remained the exact same as I have always been...

 

So there is no chance of him feeling *smothered* ....that is impossible.

 

OK then great! Good for you!

You are moving out, moving on and have what you wanted and it's not the guy that you called a prick earlier.

Just do the note if that is all he is, no talking required at all.

[Gaeta]

Goodness!! Katie I'm very sorry. First thing first, lets calm down and lets look at this objectively!

 

You've had a happy relationship for 6 years. You were both commitment phobes but found a way for this to work for both of you.

 

Your boyfriend got in his mind to marry you even if he's a known and self proclaimed commitment phobe. Why? probably because he thought it's the ultimate proof of his love for you (dictated by most society).

 

You got engaged and you felt him pull away pretty much instantly. Yes, he is feeling the pressure, he's in a panic and he's being impatient with you etc etc. To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. You got it right.

 

Undo the action that's creating this reaction. Cancel the engagement. Which does not mean end the relationship. You are both old enough to recognize you both don't want to get married and life as it was is just pretty perfect for the both of you.

 

Once you take that pressure off he will get back to himself. He wanted to show you how much he loves you by asking you to marry him. He does love you but marriage is not the right way for him to prove to you his love.

 

I know couples that have lived together for years, 20+ years then for some reason they decide to get married and shortly after they split. Marriage is not for everyone and marriage is not the ultimate proof of love. Just both agree to go back to where you are both the most happy.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you Expat ....and I presume you will read the rest of the posts, especially from me wherein I assert that I do plan on talking to him?

 

I was very VERY happy for a long long time, even after he started getting cranky (after engagement) ....I overlooked a lot hoping it was just sort of a phase.. but it became clear to me especially this past week with the holiday, that something was very very off...

 

His snapping at me started sounding almost abusive.....so that shyt ends today. I don't tolerate that crap from anyone!

 

Yes, I already had. I was simply agreeing with that.

 

I suppose I'm surprised that you haven't asked him why he is so off, if you feel this was a more recent change.

 

I'm curious if something specific happened, the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak?

But yes, if you feeling he's being verbally abusive and you're unhappy in general, you're better off ending the relationship.

[katiegrl]

OK then great! Good for you!

You are moving out, moving on and have what you wanted and it's not the guy that you called a prick earlier.

Just do the note if that is all he is, no talking required at all.

 

Yes I did call him a prick ...and if you heard how HE spoke to me yesterday and day before, you would too!

 

I won't get into that .....only to reiterate what I said in my previous post.....that his snapping at me was beginning to sound abusive ....and since i have zero tolerance for that shyt ....I'm outta there.

 

And it wasn't the first time he spoke to me that way either!

 

He has had a few episodes of, dare I say, *verbal abuse* since getting engaged.

 

Prior to engagement, he never even raised his voice to me!