losangelena Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 Well last night my crush texted me saying he was sick in bed, I told him when he felt better to give me a call cause I had some bad news for him (meaning I was going to cancel our plans) he replies "uh oh". calls while he's on the way to the store to buy some medicine and avoids what I had said over text. Goes on about how sick he is and what kind of medicine should he get and that work is a lot of pressure at the moment. Then he said, well I'm going back to bed I'll call you tomorrow. ? Ugh. Girl, sorry to say, I would not bother trying to have this conversation. He sounds like a particularly squirrelly one who can't handle any kind of "pressure." Even explaining to him that you're changing your plans because he won't let you stay with him is too much for him to handle. Just make your plans and if he brings it up, tell him. By the time y'all get to NYE, you probably won't even want to talk to him, anyway. It sucks, but better know now what kind of flake he is. 1
stillafool Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 Well last night my crush texted me saying he was sick in bed, I told him when he felt better to give me a call cause I had some bad news for him (meaning I was going to cancel our plans) he replies "uh oh". calls while he's on the way to the store to buy some medicine and avoids what I had said over text. Goes on about how sick he is and what kind of medicine should he get and that work is a lot of pressure at the moment. Then he said, well I'm going back to bed I'll call you tomorrow. ? It sounds like his illness and work are excuses he's going to use to cancel those plans as well.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 Just tell him. You don't have to make a big production of it. It doesn't have to be doomsday news. Just, "Hey, I've made other plans for NYE, so I won't be visiting." End the conversation on as friendly a note as possible, then move on. This guy is just jerking you around. He sounds like he doesn't even know what he wants. I used to feel the tug to "help" these wounded bird types. But all it does is drag you down. A good man will make you feel better, more assured in your connection with him. A good man would come to you! Not wait for you to come to him and hem and haw about letting you stay with him. 6
Author lovesickgirl Posted November 25, 2015 Author Posted November 25, 2015 I think hes worried I want to stay with him for the full 5 days & not the 2 days as planned and that i'll be a stage 5 clinger. I think I may want to remind him that is not the case and will be only staying for the 2 nights. If he still sounds unsure, i'll just cut the ties and say I think it would be better that I didnt come. What we feel for each other is new and of course I would love him to say stay the whole time but realistically we've only seen each other 2x and guys will be guys.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 No offense, but you really must be lovesick, as your username suggests. I'm very surprised you're still considering visiting him, giving his lackluster reception and handling of the plans. You seem like the stereotype of the nice, naive girl going for the jerk. I'm not trying to be mean. I just want to help you prevent what seems to be inevitable hurt. May I ask your age? Summary of your past relationships?
StBreton Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 Lovesick why would you put yourself in the predicament of going where you're not wholeheartedly welcome? Especially on a holiday like NYE? I side with Ruby on this one ... you seem naive and desperate. You're forcing the issue with a guy who's just not that into you. 1
clia Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 I agree with everyone else. He was cool with the arrangement when you had your own plans and own place to stay, but beyond that he doesn't want to deal with it. He probably offered to let you stay with him before he really thought it through. In my opinion, he doesn't want you to stay with him at all, even for a couple days. I really don't understand why you even have to stay with him. If you still want to go on your own trip to Tahoe for NYE, then go for it, but find your own place to stay. You were never actually going on vacation with him, anyway. 2
Eighty_nine Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 No offense, but you really must be lovesick, as your username suggests. I'm very surprised you're still considering visiting him, giving his lackluster reception and handling of the plans. You seem like the stereotype of the nice, naive girl going for the jerk. I'm not trying to be mean. I just want to help you prevent what seems to be inevitable hurt. May I ask your age? Summary of your past relationships? Yeah, but, this guy has been calling her daily. No, she shouldn't visit... but it's extra confusing when something like this happens after a guy has given her plenty of attention.
Author lovesickgirl Posted November 25, 2015 Author Posted November 25, 2015 (edited) Got to love the internet, where things sound and can be worse than they are. I'm late 20s hes early 30s I've been single a year, he as well. Both out of long term serious relations. I'm love sick because this guy works in some really important business with celebrities etc and yet he finds time every day to call and ask me how my day is. I can tell he really has genuine interest despite the fact I live far away. If it was a booty call I wouldn't of heard from him after we hooked up 4 weeks ago. He had made plans to come visit me on other days besides the Tahoe trip but it made sense to both of us to just see each other there since we were both going to be in the same spot regardless. What he said was the first red flag since we've been talking, so understand i'm not ready to cut ties yet. Edited November 25, 2015 by lovesickgirl 1
losangelena Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 Well, I don't think you can fault anyone for thinking this situation sounds bad. I mean, sure maybe he's a busy man with a lot on his plate, and yeah he finds time to talk to you everyday, but he's still not giving you the kind of straight answers you deserve when it comes to making these plans. I think what we're collectively wondering is why you, a savvy, experienced 20-something, are waiting for this guy's decision. Make your OWN plans, and if he comes around, feel free to change them. 5
Author lovesickgirl Posted November 25, 2015 Author Posted November 25, 2015 Well, I don't think you can fault anyone for thinking this situation sounds bad. I mean, sure maybe he's a busy man with a lot on his plate, and yeah he finds time to talk to you everyday, but he's still not giving you the kind of straight answers you deserve when it comes to making these plans. I think what we're collectively wondering is why you, a savvy, experienced 20-something, are waiting for this guy's decision. Make your OWN plans, and if he comes around, feel free to change them. Well I already told him last week "I'm going to cancel going because it would not be worth it to me to be there for 1 day, I'm going to make other plans for NYE" him "Don't do that, I want to see you, stay with me a few days." This is why his comment the other day is confusing me. I already told him I didnt want to go and he encouraged me to stay.
losangelena Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 Well I already told him last week "I'm going to cancel going because it would not be worth it to me to be there for 1 day, I'm going to make other plans for NYE" him "Don't do that, I want to see you, stay with me a few days." This is why his comment the other day is confusing me. I already told him I didnt want to go and he encouraged me to stay. Oh god, that makes it even worse. Talk about confusing! Ambivalence is a huge red flag to me. Because now, even if you do decide to go, you'll be wondering if he's gonna drop out on you again. You won't be able to relax, you won't have a good time if you're worried if he's ACTUALLY going to be there for you. He's effectively ruined his own credibility and now you're the one who has to figure out what to do. Talk about unfair. God, what a d**chebag. Sorry for the tirade. I dealt with one of those years ago—the same guy who I went to New Zealand for suggested a year later that I meet up with him in Prague. Since I was going to be in Europe anyway, I agreed. Well, a week before I was set to meet up with him, he tells me that he's having a "hard time" with things in Prague and that he has to go home to Toronto to see some eye doctor (no, it wasn't a medical emergency). I totally reamed him out and told him I thought he was untrustworthy. All week he went back and forth—yes, I'll be there, no I won't. The morning I got off the plane in Prague, he sent me a text from his Canada number and I knew he wasn't going to be there. I was infuriated, and it's the last time we talked for a good, long while. He was so selfish. It's a good thing I brought my brother with me and that we'd rented our own apartment, so I still managed to have a good time. But imagine if I'd hadn't?! Later that guy gave me flack for inviting my brother with me, like I didn't trust him, but I didn't! Because I couldn't! Anyway. I would honestly give him until the end of the day today to settle things. I mean, if you cancel, and he comes back a week from now all like, "why'd you cancel?!," just be like, "you wouldn't give me a straight answer." At that point, let him make it right if he really wants to. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 I'm love sick because this guy works in some really important business with celebrities etc and yet he finds time every day to call and ask me how my day is. I see. He's "really important," so it's fine for him to be non-committal and jerk you around? 4
Author lovesickgirl Posted November 25, 2015 Author Posted November 25, 2015 I see. He's "really important," so it's fine for him to be non-committal and jerk you around? That's not what i'm saying at all.
losangelena Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 Furthermore, I'm beginning to think that it's smart to take the most heinous thing they show you at face value and let them prove otherwise (and that goes for both genders). I know it's easy to want to be like, "but ... he told me he wants me to come!," and then try and tie yourself in a knot by saying, "he won't give me a straight answer, but he talks to me every day, I must mean SOMETHING to him!" It's like we want so badly for the "good" behavior to be the truth of a person and the "bad" behavior to be an anomaly, or that there's some good explanation for it. Don't try and rationalize one though, let him show you it's not the case. At this point, he's not doing a very good job. Right now, this guy sounds wishy-washy at best and I think that's how you should proceed. Yes, it's confusing and sh*tty, no doubt, but keeping that fact at the forefront of your mind will protect you. 4
io2iio Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 Lets be real and honest. You hooked up with him. You are not his girl friend. While he might have intentions to see you, he is not responsible for you. He is not the teddy bear. If you are interested go to tahoe, if not spend your time wisely with people who have similar ideas. 1
katiegrl Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 (edited) I think hes worried I want to stay with him for the full 5 days & not the 2 days as planned and that i'll be a stage 5 clinger. I think I may want to remind him that is not the case and will be only staying for the 2 nights. If he still sounds unsure, i'll just cut the ties and say I think it would be better that I didnt come. I may be too late but NO! Do not tell him that, just cancel. Frankly you "are" beginning to sound like a clinger, attempting to convince him that you are this cool chick who won't cramp his style.... girl your doing that indicates you are the opposite of cool... you are twisting yourself around to suit HIS whims....which are flakey, non-committal and IMO indicate disinterest! Why, because you consider him some big shot who pals around with celebrities? Just cancel the damn trip... and move on with your life. He is not interested. Next! Edited November 25, 2015 by katiegrl 4
kendahke Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 I think hes worried I want to stay with him for the full 5 days & not the 2 days as planned and that i'll be a stage 5 clinger. I think I may want to remind him that is not the case and will be only staying for the 2 nights. If he still sounds unsure, i'll just cut the ties and say I think it would be better that I didnt come. What we feel for each other is new and of course I would love him to say stay the whole time but realistically we've only seen each other 2x and guys will be guys. Ok. Let us all know how this strategy works out for you.
kendahke Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 (edited) Yeah, but, this guy has been calling her daily. No, she shouldn't visit... but it's extra confusing when something like this happens after a guy has given her plenty of attention. with a person with a healthy self esteem and sense of self worth, him calling her daily was cancelled out when he said " “well don’t put all of this on me". That was a bucket full of ice cold water in the face on what little ember of interest that was there. That little nasty retort undoes what went on before. Lovesick, if you're going to go, put yourself up in a hotel for the whole trip. Don't look for him to accommodate you in his home. Figure out how to entertain yourself for the whole time you're there, even NYE, because even then, he may stand you up or tell you at the last minute he has to work at some event with one of his "famous" clients. He is telling you quite clearly that he doesn't really want you in his space. That's what I'm getting out of what you've said so far. Edited November 25, 2015 by kendahke 6
Maggie4 Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 I seem to be the only one who thinks you should go. But like I said in my first post, get your own place, invite another girlfriend. At times, people will say things you don't like, look at the whole person, be fair. I think you know he wants to see you, that's why you called it "bad news". Don't be temperamental, do treasure people. You are young, go have fun ! 1
losangelena Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 I seem to be the only one who thinks you should go. But like I said in my first post, get your own place, invite another girlfriend. At times, people will say things you don't like, look at the whole person, be fair. I think you know he wants to see you, that's why you called it "bad news". Don't be temperamental, do treasure people. You are young, go have fun ! I never said she shouldn't go, I just don't think she should count on this guy. Who knows how things will be come NYE. She should most definitely go and have fun. But this guy sure doesn't sound like a lot of fun. He sounds like he has "contingency plan" written all over him. 1
Maggie4 Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 I never said she shouldn't go, I just don't think she should count on this guy. Who knows how things will be come NYE. She should most definitely go and have fun. But this guy sure doesn't sound like a lot of fun. He sounds like he has "contingency plan" written all over him. You think so (on the contingency plan)? I don't know... If this was my daughter, of course I'd want to protect her, but I also don't want her to miss out on a great guy. A girl's gotta take a chance. She's at the best age to find a partner.
losangelena Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 You think so (on the contingency plan)? I don't know... If this was my daughter, of course I'd want to protect her, but I also don't want her to miss out on a great guy. A girl's gotta take a chance. She's at the best age to find a partner. From everything she's written about him, he doesn't really sound like "a great guy." He may say, "come, I want to see you," but every time she tries to shore up details, he tells her to don't put it all on him, or he evades the topic completely. So yeah, if she were my daughter (a hypothetical only, of course), I would want her to be smart about dealing with a man like this. I would want to know what was keeping him from giving her a firm "yes" or "no."
Maggie4 Posted November 26, 2015 Posted November 26, 2015 @Losangelena, well, the way I read it is that he's telling her he can't host her the entire time and to not depend entirely on him. He's afraid she will be alone, not have a good time, while he has other obligations. Maybe his wording is none too delicate, but his request/warning is reasonable. @Lovesick, maybe you seemed (understandably) pushier because you wanted to buy your ticket on Black Friday. Also, you said you just wanted to put your bags somewhere and have a place to sleep. You were trying to let him know you won't be in his way. But if he really likes you a lot, your comment might make him feel you only wanted a place to stay.
katiegrl Posted November 26, 2015 Posted November 26, 2015 (edited) Honestly, lovesick, you have only *hooked up* up once with him, I think it would be a big mistake to stay with him, even for only two days. It's just too soon for that much closeness, and I think he got carried away with himself when he invited you .... He is all caught up in the fantasy of it ...face time and texting every day .... as long as it's limited to just that ....he is free to fantasize about you until hell freezes over. But then it started getting REAL, you were going to buy your ticket and *really* come....you were relying on him and counting on staying with him, spending lots of time together, etc. THAT is when he **switched** and started in with "well don't put all this on me, I won't be able to hang with you the whole time," blah blah. It was all getting too REAL for him and he started to freak! This man sounds like he is big on fantasy! Be careful with that because once things start getting REAL, he will switch on a dime, just like he did here. My fear for you is that you are going to buy your ticket, plan to stay with him for a couple of days, and at the last minute, just when it's about to become very very real, and you are no longer a fantasy, only face-timing, etc every day ...something is gonna suddenly *come up* and he will tell you he won't be available at all! Leaving you with a ticket to Tahoe but no place to stay, no one to spend time with, not too mention terribly hurt and disappointed. If he had not switched on you after you started confirming plans, I would not be thinking this, but he DID switch, in a very cold and nasty way .... "don't put all this on me" -- WTF. This is not a man you should count on for anything! It is clear to me he is big on fantasy, and once things start getting *REAL* he's off and running. Typical commitment-phobe behavior, right down to his swooping in fast, lots of attention, contacting you every night ...impulsively inviting you to stay with him. ... then switching and taking it back, then switching back to inviting you ......how utterly exhausting! Plesse please please proceed with caution!!!!!!! BTDT ......most of us have! Hence all our responses warning you. Good luck and keep us posted! Edited November 26, 2015 by katiegrl
Recommended Posts