Not relationship material

[losangelena]

I disagree most dating ends in rejection, that's often been said to me and ALWAYS by people who have NO trouble finding dates and girlfriends.

 

So you're saying you don't agree with math? If I have dated say 12 people (hypothetically) over the course of my lifetime, and I'm now single, that is a 100% rejection rate. This has nothing to do with ease of dating. If one HAS dated in the past, and is currently single, their rejection rate is 100%. Multiple spouses are frowned upon, generally, so the goal is one person. Most people ultimately end up with one. How is this false in your mind?

[oberkeat]

Well, I don't think you're necessarily doing anything 'wrong' just because you haven't had any relationship success just yet - luck plays a bigger part than you'd think. You can increase your odds, sure, but that's all they are - odds. There is never a guarantee.

 

That being said, something stood out at me... your best friend is a woman? How close are the two of you, do you stay over at each others' apartments, hang out 1-on-1 very frequently (perhaps more often than you'd see a gf), etc? I can't speak for all women, but when I see a guy like that I might have second thoughts about getting involved in a LTR with him, because such a guy wouldn't seem emotionally available to me. It isn't necessarily a dealbreaker if he knows how to enforce platonic boundaries, but I would be more wary than otherwise. "Friends" are fine, but a very close "best friend" of the opposite gender might be cause for concern.

 

Not saying you should ditch your best friend or anything, just that you have to be okay with a narrowed pool of women if you are very close to another woman.

 

I don't spend all my time with her. We get together a couple times a month and we keep in touch. Sometimes we get lunch or meet for a drink. She's married, so there are obviously boundaries. I have a close male friend also, but he lives further out of town, so we don't hang out constantly, but not a ton less than I spend time with the female friend.

[oberkeat]

You're giving up after she didn't respond to 1 or 2 short texts? Why not give her a call after Thanksgiving and ask her out again?

 

That might be a waste of time. No contact from her at all since the date just isn't a good sign, I think.

[oberkeat]

But ghosting on someone doesn't mean "you're not good enough." Why do women reject you or ghost (or vice versa)? Nine times out of ten it has nothing to do with you! That's why everyone says to not take rejection personally. Who's to say that you wouldn't have gone out three more times and been like, "this woman is a drag, I'm out of here."

 

Again, no one's perfect. There's not "you're not good enough," it's more like, "you're not right for me." Why do you want to be with someone who is not there freely and enthusiastically? Besides, why are you making these women, these near strangers, the judge, jury and executioner of your self worth? Yes, getting rejected and ghosted sucks (but 99% of dating ends in rejection, anyway!), but that doesn't mean you need to give them the power to tell you who you are.

 

The majority of dates I've been on haven't gone past date one. That was not always MY choice; I've been rejected and ghosted plenty. Wish them good luck in your mind and move on to the next.

 

At least you found a relationship. It's the accumulation of rejections that bugs me. Out of all the dates, not one woman wants a relationship with me. Dating has been endless rejection for me.

[losangelena]

At least you found a relationship. It's the accumulation of rejections that bugs me. Out of all the dates, not one woman wants a relationship with me. Dating has been endless rejection for me.

 

Yeah, a relationship that ultimately ended anyway. I got rejected 30 times before I met him, so guess what, I know how you feel. It sucks.

[BlueIris]

You’ve decided that the 60 seconds to text her (or call, which would be more personal) to ask her out again (which you said you would do) is a waste of your time. So you’ve rejected her or decided that it would be too burdensome for you. You weren’t rejected.

 

On topic, not being relationship material… being in a relationship requires some effort as well as a willingness to consider your own actions and words. You said you would get in touch with her later. It was a statement, not an invitation or opening for conversation. But if you choose to live in your head and assumptions and decide you’ve been rejected, that’s on you.

 

Have you ever considered the possibility that you don't really want a relationship in your heart of hearts?

[seekingluck]

I disagree with the bold parts.

 

If its as you say it is, then why do people refuse friendship and cut off contact totally?

 

I disagree most dating ends in rejection, that's often been said to me and ALWAYS by people who have NO trouble finding dates and girlfriends.

 

Easy to say but when you hardly ever like anyone, its far easier to say than it is to do.

 

Because it is awkward to build a friendship when starting off as "dating." I'd really have to connect with you a lot to go "let's be friends" after a date if that is how we were first acquainted.

 

And to be frank, it looks like you might feel entitled to getting the type of attention you want from the women you meet. Usually we can read into this too. I don't want to be friends with someone like this.

 

It is easier to avoid contact instead of worrying about future conflict.

[seekingluck]

That being said, something stood out at me... your best friend is a woman? How close are the two of you, do you stay over at each others' apartments, hang out 1-on-1 very frequently (perhaps more often than you'd see a gf), etc? I can't speak for all women, but when I see a guy like that I might have second thoughts about getting involved in a LTR with him, because such a guy wouldn't seem emotionally available to me. It isn't necessarily a dealbreaker if he knows how to enforce platonic boundaries, but I would be more wary than otherwise. "Friends" are fine, but a very close "best friend" of the opposite gender might be cause for concern.

 

Not saying you should ditch your best friend or anything, just that you have to be okay with a narrowed pool of women if you are very close to another woman.

 

That is a good point too. Not a deal breaker, but could be a cause for concern if there is "too much" one on one time!

[RedRobin]

How would you feel if you were rejected repeatedly by girls you went on dates with, basically told "sorry, you're not to good enough" by them (or in my case ghosted by them) and never finding a relationship? It would be very hard to be positive and hopeful about all that negativity. You would feel pretty undesirable, rejected and bummed out, like me. You would feel like you're just not good enough.

 

I'd think you don't know yourself that well... You pick women based on who you wish you were rather than who you really are... And I would think you didn't screen that well. Maybe you are doing the cast net approach. Sure, this is the advice given lots of people... It always turned me off when I was sitting across a table from a guy doing that.

 

I for one can always tell when a guy is phishing. I can tell if his interests are genuine. I can tell if his interest in me is genuine, or if it us 'I just gotta have a girlfriend or else'.

 

As for the girl multi dating... Yea, lots probably are. You don't have to date them. I don't. For the same reason I don't like cast net dating. It's for kids and people who don't know themselves, if you ask me. Maybe screen those out before a date. That's what I do.... It is rare that I go on a date, but when I do, it almost always results in a relationship.

[RedRobin]

You’ve decided that the 60 seconds to text her (or call, which would be more personal) to ask her out again (which you said you would do) is a waste of your time. So you’ve rejected her or decided that it would be too burdensome for you. You weren’t rejected.

 

On topic, not being relationship material… being in a relationship requires some effort as well as a willingness to consider your own actions and words. You said you would get in touch with her later. It was a statement, not an invitation or opening for conversation. But if you choose to live in your head and assumptions and decide you’ve been rejected, that’s on you.

 

Have you ever considered the possibility that you don't really want a relationship in your heart of hearts?

 

Good point. I guess it hasn't occurred to the OP that the young lady might be disappointed that you were going to wait until after the holiday to contact her.

 

I agree, it was a statement and didn't invite a comment.

 

Couldn't hurt for you to follow through on what you said you would do after the holiday and ask her out again. Call, don't text.

[oberkeat]

Good point. I guess it hasn't occurred to the OP that the young lady might be disappointed that you were going to wait until after the holiday to contact her.

 

No, it was near the end of the date when she told me to get in touch after the holiday.

 

I agree, it was a statement and didn't invite a comment.

 

Couldn't hurt for you to follow through on what you said you would do after the holiday and ask her out again. Call, don't text.

 

I don't know what I will do. I haven't decided if I will get back in touch with her.

 

I don't want to chase after women who are really lukewarm about me just so I can get more rejection. And I don't think I want to date someone who does multi dating and just sees me as an option among many other guys.

[Els]

I did and I am baffled as to how insecure someone would need to be to discount someone who happens to be close friends with a member of the opposite sex.

 

No you did not read it, because I also specifically said that it wasn't a dealbreaker. At any rate, lots of people have preferences re: acceptable boundaries with opposite sex friends and are in happy Rs - it's called compatibility. I'll take your word for it that if you ever do get a girl you'd be fine with her sleeping over at another guys' place and meeting him more often than she does you, but not everyone will put up with that (doesn't apply to the OP as he has clarified that they don't do that, just to your post).

 

I don't spend all my time with her. We get together a couple times a month and we keep in touch. Sometimes we get lunch or meet for a drink. She's married, so there are obviously boundaries. I have a close male friend also, but he lives further out of town, so we don't hang out constantly, but not a ton less than I spend time with the female friend.

 

Ah, okay. That sounds totally fine in my books so I don't think most women would have a problem with that. I guess we have different definitions of a 'best friend' - to me that would be someone that I meet up with very frequently and talk to all the time.

 

I'll probably revert to my old guess - it's just luck. Keep going at it, hopefully you'll catch a lucky break!

[RedRobin]

No, it was near the end of the date when she told me to get in touch after the holiday.

 

 

 

I don't know what I will do. I haven't decided if I will get back in touch with her.

 

I don't want to chase after women who are really lukewarm about me just so I can get more rejection. And I don't think I want to date someone who does multi dating and just sees me as an option among many other guys.

 

I understand now. Thanks.

 

I can tell when someone is multi dating too. It's not that I care about their other options... To me it is a different value system altogether.

 

You can't necessarily assume though. In the future, you might just want to put it out there before you agree to meet someone that you prefer to get to know people one at a time. Put it in your profile if you need to.

[The Next Big Thing]

I never text or make contact first, during the first 3 dates. Ask her out again.

 

So you let man do all the texting and everything else? Doesnt he come off as a bit needy then, when he is the one texting you/iniciating all the time? How is he supposed to know if youre interested then?

[One_Made_of_Silver]

In person, I stay positive and avoid the negative. I only spew venom on loveshack .

 

The date itself was mostly flawless on my part. I was concerned going in that we'd run out of stuff to talk about, but I was relaxed, made her laugh, I knew at least a little bit about all the obscure philosophers she studies, and we filled three hours easily.

 

You would think she'd bail long before the date hit the 3-hour mark if she wasn't at all interested. I sure don't need three hours to decide whether I like someone.

[dobielover]

Start here.

 

Your best friend is a woman? This is a problem.

 

You need to hang around men. Men won't bullsh*t you like your "best friend" is. This chick, with whatever she's telling you, is not doing you any favors. Let me guess - "be yourself"? "The right one will come along as soon as you stop looking"?

 

My best friend is a man, and I'm his, and this is not how we engage each other. I tell him (he's 34) that he's being a big baby, a jerk, he needs to man up, she's stupid, or he messed up, he needs to fix that, whatever it might be, and he does the same for me.

 

And the fact that his best friend is a woman shows that he's valued by the opposite sex.

[Qboro90]

How did you meet this woman? Not sure if you mentioned it... And how do you typically meet the women you go on dates with? Do you have trouble getting past date 1? Or just progressing Into a relationship after a few dates.

 

Some more info on your process would help determine what you can do going forward. You said you were in a 5 year relationship. How did you meet her and start that relationship?

 

Do you only approach a certain type of girl? Do you have specific standards you look for or want? What would your ideal girlfriend be? I.E- independent or reliant on you more, socially outgoing or reserved, assertive or passive? Initiative or receptive?

 

A lot of guys have trouble getting past the requirement of reaching out and initiating contact and facilitating seeing one another as they get older. For some reason I think that this is due to an underlying sense of being inadequate or unattractive or even bitter that they have to continue to put in the work to connect with someone when they feel like it's not going to work anyways.

 

You gotta fight that feeling. Now obviously I'm not saying chase girls continuously if they don't respond. But I never understand the hesitance to take 1 last shot. What's the worst that can happen? She doesn't answer? She says no? You're already there so one more text or phone call won't make her like you even less. Positive outcome? She can reply, she can say "omg I'm so sry, I saw your text but was with my family and completely spaced on getting back to you... Yea I'd love to go out again, when?"....

 

Don't always bank on the latter but I've definitely had that happen to me before so it's possible. If you want a great job you work for it right? If the girl is someone you are really into or want to know more about, work for it. I had a girl who said no to going out with me for 6 years. We were in communication here and there via social media every now and then over those years or see one another out every 6 months but she wouldn't go out with me. One summer I got tickets to Cirque de Solei and told her "hey, my client gave me these tickets and I thought of you... Interested in coming with me?" ( didn't wanna make it sound like I bought these expensive tickets just for her and come off as dealer at which is why I said they came across my lap).. She accepted and long story short we got engaged this past summer. So moral of the story? Be diligent, and every now and then, get creative. Make yourself stand out against the other men out there.