Do You See What I See?

November 26, 2015

OP just know that in all of this, you are not alone. Many people right now are probably experiencing problems similar to yours in their marriages.

I believe its best for you to seek a professional to help cope with this situation.

I'd advice you to get some Individual Counseling.

This will be a difficult time for you as it is with all.

Emotions will undoubtedly be high.

Afterwards It would be best for to seek legal counsel as soon as possible.

November 26, 2015

Oldshirt, I think there is an E and F option.

E. Thinking about how she can get a reference from the first job she's had in 10 years without exposing the fact she was fired for banging her boss.

F. She's made a mouth harp out of a comb and a folded piece of paper and is humming "Kumbaya" while looking at a picture of Hero and his dog and wondering WTF.

Both of those could fall under radio silence.

(and my morning orange juice just came out my nose picturing her doing Kumbaya LOL )

November 26, 2015

Hero

This is my first post to your thread. I think you've done an amazing job so far. I have family and we are so close we'd fly across the oceans to support each other. Only those who don't have such a bond would stuggle to understand it. My brothers and sisters always have each others back... no matter what.

Your wife will not find another man like you...... she will regret her actions, but ignore her pleas and begging. She's made a fool of herself, for someone who couldn't give a damn... not your problem though.

Good men (and women ) are worth their weight I'm gold. I know many single women... but no decent guy is alone.

Strength to you and sorry for the devastation you're facing.

P.S. Ignore the doubtful on here.

November 26, 2015

You have an attorney. Your paying him good money for his services. Listen to what he says. That's why he gets the big bucks. He knows what he's doing and right now your actions will go towards the outcome of the divorce and settlement. If he tells you something to do that you may not agree with just remember that this is his job. He knows what he's doing so just don't go off the deep end. Let him handle it. I'm telling you this from a voice of experience.

November 26, 2015

Shall we start a little office pool and everyone make their best guess as to what she is going to be doing today?

The betting choices on what she is doing today are -

A. Spending the day with OM.

B. Spend the day with her family blowing up Hero's phone with txts and calls.

C. Showing up on Hero's doorstep with a green bean casserole acting like nothing has happened and can't understand why everyone is acting so weird.

D. Radio silence.

Place your bets on what she does today and when he reports on her wackiness today, whoever comes the closest wins.

Or..

E. Shows up and reveals a previously unknown medical/psychological condition that caused her cheat without any remorse whatsoever.

Hero, brace yourself my friend, because when she realizes her world is about to end, she will come up with anything she can to tug at your heartstrings.

November 26, 2015

F. Exit affair. She is doing none of the above. She has already calculated what she will recive in the divorce and is ok with it.

Edited November 26, 2015 by 66Charger

November 26, 2015

Or..

E. Shows up and reveals a previously unknown medical/psychological condition that caused her cheat without any remorse whatsoever.

Hero, brace yourself my friend, because when she realizes her world is about to end, she will come up with anything she can to tug at your heartstrings.

That will be tomorrow after the green bean casserole fails to win over everyone's love and approval today.

November 26, 2015

F. Exit affair. She is doing none of the above. She has already calculated what she will recive in the divorce and is ok with it.

I am kind of in the camp that believes that this was not her first rodeo and that this may be the exit affair as well.

I think that will also come under the radio silence heading as well.

If this was the exit affair to close the door behind her, then she probably already had plans for the day and is going on about her business.

November 26, 2015

Hero (great dog name! What breed?)

I'm going through this at the moment (couple of months on from you) so it's hard for me to give technical/procedural adivise as I said before.

Me & my H are officially reconciling. To be completely honest with you I don't know what I'm doing! I have a plan. We have 2 little kids. I've read everything I can find & I've spoken to many lovely people here...

What I've learnt so far... I don't need to make huge life changing descisions right now! The OW is completely gone. My H says he loves me & wants to stay. I'm focusing on trying to heal myself mentally & physically (I've got health problems at the moment) & THEN I will choose what I want for MY life. ME & my kids.

I don't believe that I'm in any condition to make the REALLY big choices. I don't want to rip my family apart & live to regret it.

We're all different, living through different things. Sometimes it's best to focus on you & let the rest play out until you're ready to build a new future for yourself. My logic is 'It took my 25 years to get here. It can wait a little longer!'.

I'm wishing you all the best. It must be lovely to have your real family around you for the holidays. I'm feeling home sick

November 26, 2015

That will be tomorrow after the green bean casserole fails to win over everyone's love and approval today.

OMG Does everybody have to deal with the green bean casserole?

My daughters mother always brings a BROCCOLI casserole.

It is required that you have ONE spoonfull.

November 27, 2015

Hero:

You are doing everything I wish I would have done on day one of my STBXW's affair(s).

Congrats to you!

November 27, 2015

Hey guys, snuck away for a few to drop by and say hello

Had a blast with my family today, spent time playing with my nieces and

nephews, everyone still here, we are all stuffed and yes the green bean

casserole made an appearance. Nice to hear laughter and happiness around here for a change.

Talked to my MIL and FIL today, just called to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving

told me they're disappointed in their daughter and no matter what happens I will always be their son.

STBXW appears to be in complete meltdown mode, looks like the gravity of

what she's done is catching up with her. She spent Thanksgiving with a

female co-worker and their family.

She's been texting me all day, apologizing, says she can't believe it's

really over, said she did what she did to get my attention, she knows

she took it too far, but she said I didn't seem to care what she was doing.

kept asking what could she do to fix this

Wants to know if I would consider MC. I didn't respond to anything.

She did talk to my son today. He asked me if the D was really what I wanted,

he hates what she's done, but he asked me not to make any life changing

decisions with my emotions all over the place, says I'm always telling him the same thing.

Here's the deal, I can't get those images and those messages out of my mind

Every time I try to think of R, I remember all the months she denied me

and gave herself to him.

I might be able to get past the sex part, but rewriting our marriage,

making me out to be the bad guy and calling me a fool

I just can't get past that, at least not right now.

I still love my wife very much, but she's like damaged goods to me now

She promised me she would never let another man inside her and she broke her promise.

I don't buy the trying to get my attention bit for a minute

If she wanted my attention all she had to do was tell me

Anyway, I am working on the 180, trying to detach and work on myself

Gotta get back to the family, hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving

BTW: my attorney is a SHE not a HE

She's one of the best divorce attorney's in the state and she's a former BS

November 27, 2015

Hero

LS needs a double "Like" button.

Enjoy your time with your family.

November 27, 2015

Hero

Keep listening to her. She is no good to you or herself until she stops the BS excuses, only speaks the truth and takes responsibility for her actions.

Her meltdown has only begun.

Your son is right. Do not make any long term decisions in haste.

There is nothing wrong with kicking her to the curb if you cannot forgive her infidelity....

I wouldn't respond to her at this time but if you do why not let her know one of your boundaries with her going forward.

"I do not want your pitiful excuses. I do not want your lousy reasons for having an affair. There will never be a good reason you can give me.

What you can do for me now is never lie to me again, never disrespect me again and work on your issues for your well being. The affair was your choice. The lies were your choice. The disrespect to me was your choice,

Until you can accept those conditions we have nothing to discuss. Get a good counselor for yourself to work on your issues. A positive action taken by you is your best foot forward at this time."

November 27, 2015

F. Exit affair. She is doing none of the above. She has already calculated what she will recive in the divorce and is ok with it.

If that's the case then she's not real smart. Unless the money is in her hand then she can estimate until she's blue in the face and then get a real shock to the system when she doesn't get what she expected......................her fault.

November 27, 2015

Typical after DDAY affect. No remorse just extremely sorry to get caught. Huge difference here. The telling part was blaming it all on you when she first showed up. It was all your fault. You actually made her screw the other man. You are the bad guy.

First of all you are in love with who you thought she was not who she is. She as you saw her was a fantasy. How did you like the reality?

Everyone is on your timetable here. Do not rush anything. You owe no one but yourself anything at this point. If you're smart you'll stay dark and take lots of time to think about this whole episode in its entirety

Reconciliation is a process that can take years. Think long and hard about this. Many waste a huge amount of life trying to fix/make something that will never be. Can you ever get over not just the sex but the comments they were making and joking about you behind your back. Probably the most disrespect I've ever seen. Reconciliation means you totally forgive her and start over. There must be remorse on her part(big item here). Not just sorry. She would have to do a lot of heavy lifting to help you through the it. Do you think she would? Or would she rather rugsweep it and tell you to just get over it? Does she have the capability to give you full transparency, quit her job, etc?

I suspect the real reasons behind her affair are not that complicated. She has no boundaries. It was probably a chance to have a great time and never gave much thought about you. She denied you sex because it would have been cheating on her new man. Your replacement. This is pretty typical.

Yes, you are still in love with who you want her to be. Your life will be what you make it. It's up to you. I would not be the fool in this again. Go back over all the data and ask yourself this. Do you still love her now.

November 27, 2015

Trying to get your attention by letting another man use her sexually and consensually over and over again breaking every promise she ever made you is sick. She then allows him to humiliate you verbally without any attempt at defending you is a fu*ked up way of getting your attention. Threatening you with divorce might of worked, why didn't she try that first? Affairs take a lot of planning, she had hundreds of opportunities to stop herself before she allowed him to put his penis in her. How does she plan on undoing that? She can't take it back and had you not caught her guess what she would be doing now? Not a good enough reason for reconciliation, she's sorry she got caught. You will know remorse when you see it, this isn't it.

November 27, 2015

Hero

What pitiful excuses she is giving you. Aside from the fact that she was banging him way before this pool party excursion , the fact is she sure did a good job of denying and hiding it until lover boy posted on FB.

Now the way she was carrying on with her boss unless the entire company is blind they all low or suspect what was going on . And with the blow up you mentioned when they were fighting , a lot more was probably made public .

Her behavior now is classic and not unusual at all. The normal is once they get caught one of two things happens. If the BH does what you did all of a siudden they are remorseful and sorry . If the a BH is weak and unable to act the break NC and continue the affair underground .

You can do much better than this . I think she actually expected you to beg her to stop and instead she got divorce papers . That's called a consequence she did not plan on . And by the way I wonder how she plans to fix anything still with her f- buddy as her boss .

Keep the dog and find a new wife .

November 27, 2015

Hey guys, snuck away for a few to drop by and say hello
Had a blast with my family today, spent time playing with my nieces and
nephews, everyone still here, we are all stuffed and yes the green bean
casserole made an appearance. Nice to hear laughter and happiness around here for a change.

Talked to my MIL and FIL today, just called to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving
told me they're disappointed in their daughter and no matter what happens I will always be their son.

STBXW appears to be in complete meltdown mode, looks like the gravity of
what she's done is catching up with her. She spent Thanksgiving with a
female co-worker and their family.

She's been texting me all day, apologizing, says she can't believe it's
really over, said she did what she did to get my attention, she knows
she took it too far, but she said I didn't seem to care what she was doing.
kept asking what could she do to fix this

Wants to know if I would consider MC. I didn't respond to anything.

She did talk to my son today. He asked me if the D was really what I wanted,
he hates what she's done, but he asked me not to make any life changing
decisions with my emotions all over the place, says I'm always telling him the same thing.

Here's the deal, I can't get those images and those messages out of my mind
Every time I try to think of R, I remember all the months she denied me
and gave herself to him.

I might be able to get past the sex part, but rewriting our marriage,
making me out to be the bad guy and calling me a fool
I just can't get past that, at least not right now.

I still love my wife very much, but she's like damaged goods to me now
She promised me she would never let another man inside her and she broke her promise.

I don't buy the trying to get my attention bit for a minute
If she wanted my attention all she had to do was tell me
Anyway, I am working on the 180, trying to detach and work on myself

Gotta get back to the family, hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving

BTW: my attorney is a SHE not a HE
She's one of the best divorce attorney's in the state and she's a former BS

I find it interesting that your son is telling you to slow down.

You've had good advice so far. It's not possible to save a marriage after infidelity unless you are utterly willing to end it. The line in the sand MUST be drawn. That's the starting point whether you divorce or stay together.

But you're in the catbird seat now. There ARE some people who choose recovery and they do it successfully. Several have posted to your thread, and though it's difficult, it IS do-able.

Here at LS, the default position appears to be to end it.... and that's okay for alot of people. But if you're not one of them, there ARE options to healing a broken marriage. I just want you to know that.

Infidelity doesn't have to be The End. It's awful. It puts everything in you've ever believed in to the question.. a total tear-down of self esteem and trust. But if what you WANT at the end of the day is the person you vowed to love and cherish... part of being "in the catbird seat" is the freedom to continue to love and cherish a CLEARLY imperfect person.

I can't even begin to describe to you how hard it is to put one's own ego aside and allow your partner's baggage to just BE.... to disengage from it and not accept it as a reflection of your self. But so many times, that's what this is. Not about you, but about them, and about their misunderstood perceptions.

Not sure what I'm trying to say... other than it's okay to love a faulty person because NO ONE is without fault. Divorce might be the right choice for you. Just don't do it out of Pride. If you love her, and you can empathize with her... yeah, draw a line in the sand. But don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

No one her is going to live your life day to day. So, YOU decide what's right for you, what you can live with and what you can't.

It's soooo important to be clear... you haven't been steered wrong on that score. But you DO have choices, and they're yours to make. There's not a soul you have to answer to... except yourself. Do what make YOU happiest.

Bottom line... if you want out, that's your choice. But if you want a repair, that's also potentially do-able. It depends on how much interest the BOTH of you have in recovery.

November 27, 2015

Hero

Keep listening to her. She is no good to you or herself until she stops the BS excuses, only speaks the truth and takes responsibility for her actions.

Her meltdown has only begun.

Your son is right. Do not make any long term decisions in haste.

There is nothing wrong with kicking her to the curb if you cannot forgive her infidelity....

I wouldn't respond to her at this time but if you do why not let her know one of your boundaries with her going forward.

"I do not want your pitiful excuses. I do not want your lousy reasons for having an affair. There will never be a good reason you can give me.

What you can do for me now is never lie to me again, never disrespect me again and work on your issues for your well being. The affair was your choice. The lies were your choice. The disrespect to me was your choice,

Until you can accept those conditions we have nothing to discuss. Get a good counselor for yourself to work on your issues. A positive action taken by you is your best foot forward at this time."

A zebra can never change its stripes. Anything she says will probably be just another lie.

November 27, 2015

By Hero

She's been texting me all day, apologizing, says she can't believe it's really over, said she did what she did to get my attention, she knows she took it too far, but she said I didn't seem to care what she was doing.
kept asking what could she do to fix this

Wants to know if I would consider MC. I didn't respond to anything.

she did to get my attention… I didn't seem to care what she was doing =

EXCUSES-DIVERSION

She did it because she wanted to please her lower nature desires and did this knowing that she would hurt you.

kept asking what could she do to fix this…

she can do everything that YOU want in order for you to protect yourself and then she should not expect any fixing until she has shown ACTIONS for a very long time that proves that she is remorseful and changed.

Wants to know if I would consider MC.

First she has to prove that she has fixed the two above. Stop with excuses and start with ACTIONS for a very long time.

Your wife is not fully broken and she needs to stop trying to get a quick fix because that is not reality. She is not 100% remorseful as to what she did to you and may not fully realize what the full damage of her betrayal has done.

She will be very emotional because she will now have to start paying the consequences for her willful actions. Those emotions are to try and save herself and not have to pay the full price for her actions. In short, most of her emotions will be for herself but it may have a strong effect on your emotions for you to compromise and go for the quick relief.

The only way there is a chance that you will get some trust back is for her to prove to you with her actions for a very long time; not weeks or months but years. She will have to do all that along with her emotional suffering for what she has done. That is not revenge that is reality.

You will probably weaken and consider compromising to ease your emotions at some point. Your emotions will be very raw for some time.

You have your family right now and that can help a lot. Make a plan so that you can have emotional support when your family goes back home. Good professional therapy is a must but you know that already.

You now are fully aware that you have to look out for yourself because your wife has proven that she will seek her pleasure even if means that she smashes your heart into the ground. If she breaks then you should get ready for the tears and great emotions but remember ACTIONS TELL THE TRUTH, not emotions and words!

Are you going to make a plan for the immediate term and then one for the long term?

November 27, 2015

Hero

Keep listening to her. She is no good to you or herself until she stops the BS excuses, only speaks the truth and takes responsibility for her actions.

Her meltdown has only begun.

Your son is right. Do not make any long term decisions in haste.

There is nothing wrong with kicking her to the curb if you cannot forgive her infidelity....

I wouldn't respond to her at this time but if you do why not let her know one of your boundaries with her going forward.

"I do not want your pitiful excuses. I do not want your lousy reasons for having an affair. There will never be a good reason you can give me.

What you can do for me now is never lie to me again, never disrespect me again and work on your issues for your well being. The affair was your choice. The lies were your choice. The disrespect to me was your choice,

Until you can accept those conditions we have nothing to discuss. Get a good counselor for yourself to work on your issues. A positive action taken by you is your best foot forward at this time."

Hero---This ^^^^^

Glad you are having a "blast" with your family...

Happy Thanksgiving!

As your son said:

((((She did talk to my son today. He asked me if the D was really what I wanted,

he hates what she's done, but he asked me not to make any life changing decisions with my emotions all over the place, says I'm always telling him the same thing.))))

One day at a time Hero.

Everything has happened so swiftly thus far.

Listen to your female attorney. She'll prepare you whether you D or R...

Something you might think about for the future:

Every time I would morn a breakup, my dad would ask me to think, "Are you better off with her or without her?"

Sir, its no longer a rush to a solution. Not a race. You can take your time.

Its in your timing now Hero.

Enjoy the Holiday!

November 27, 2015

WTH???

just got this text from the STBXW

"we should get a lady dog for Hero"

WTH???

November 27, 2015

Hero (great dog name! What breed?)

He's a German Shepard

November 27, 2015

WTH???

just got this text from the STBXW

"we should get a lady dog for Hero"

WTH???

Ha! Ha!

She knows your soft spot......

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