Do You See What I See?

November 25, 2015

so she came clean, but apparently this is all my fault
according to her, I spend too much time with my face in a computer screen
I took no interest in her job, never got jealous when she went out with co-workers
love my dog more than her, make decisions too quickly, like asking for a divorce
too caught up in my appearance and stuck on myself ( she's the fitness freak )

and my personal favorite, I pushed her into another man's arms
because I wasn't giving her enough attention

Oh and BTW: The bad mouthing me and calling me a fool was just a stupid little game they played,
I just blew it all out of context, after all they were just dumb words. silly me

and now I'm supposed to call her when I come to my senses
yes, she REALLY did say that

I almost lost it a couple of times, but I stayed calm the entire time.

I'll have to let you guys know how I responded to all this later
my son just got here with his wife and we have boxes of food and goodies to unpack
need to clean up the kitchen and start cooking for tomorrow

Have a Have Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

BTW: HERO is my dogs name and he barked at her the whole time she was here
he's never done that before, I had to end up putting him in the garage
he only barks at people he doesn't no -
I gave him a treat after it was over - patted him on the head and told him good dog, good dog

Thanks for the update Hero ... we're all rooting for you:)

So she threw YOU under the bus for her behavior did she? Interesting.

Instead of addressing issues with you or suggesting counseling, she stuck her nose in romance novels to quell her needs/desires then eventually her needs/desires reached a feverish pitch and she started an affair. Interesting way to treat the man you love and made vows to.

Hero...you have come to your senses. You were quickly able to intuitively sense that something was up, got on this forum, and took swift action. Good for you and your senses.

November 25, 2015

Deja vu. LS always does this. I'm taken back decades to walking into a coffee shop on campus where my husband is having a snack with a woman. The look on his face... But he introduces us and I go back to work and he supposedly goes back to class (grad school) which he never leaves to have lunch with me.

When he confessed their affair three years ago and decades after it happened , he recounted this incident in living detail.

That was the first of his five affairs. You were saved.

FIVE affairs!!! And she's still with him!

I guess that's what you could look forward to IF you stay with a known cheater...

Glad you have a boundary Hero - and are willing to take action when someone crosses your healthy boundary!

November 25, 2015

She could not be more obvious.....it's like she is reading from the script for Wayward Spouses....lol.

I see no remorse, regret other anything else other than entitlement.....

I have always wondered if dogs really can tell a persons character????

I had the smartest German Shepherd that could definitely tell a person's character. There were only 3 people he didn't find agreeable in his 13 years and he let me know about it.

Hero ... many dogs can pick up on a person's negative vibes and especially if there is ill intent. Your Hero was alerting you.

Edited November 25, 2015 by StBreton

November 25, 2015

Hero,

You did everything the way you should have, unfortunately they justify everything they do including cheating.

For now you need to just enjoy your family and let everything digest for a few days......

Right now you need to protect yourself financially and that means cutting her off of everything you pay for......

Let her deal with the choices and consequences that comes from her choices.

Let her feel the reality of what she has caused herself......this is her fault not yours, if she had a problem she should have discussed it with you and not with someone else........

All wayward say stupid things during their affairs.....I remember reading some texts between my husband and his whore about how they joked about not spending any time or saying happy birthday to me, it was a joke to them, it only shows them for who they really can be....

Don't worry about it, being a fool is a whole lot better than being what she is now in everyone's eyes......

I think as the days pass it will become very clear where your future lies.....you can make that choice then. If you do try to work things out that job will have to go, that is number one total no contact.......

that should be a deal breaker.....

If adultery is the deal breaker there is no shame in that either. it is the worst respect another person can do in a marriage. it does deserve divorce if that feels right for you.

For her the reality is going to hit her hard right now I wouldn't contact her or answer anything from her for a few days let her feel it ........

The affair is so short lived the OM never signed up for this, you know yourself what he was after.......your wife was just an easy target.....

Then she will be left trying to get out from underneath that bus, figuring out what her life will be now..........reality has hit that fantasy life she was living and it doesn't look all that good now.......

You have to stay strong, look strong even if your not and not let her have any satisfaction that she has destroyed you........

Show her you will be and can be alright without her in your life.........

It may be easier to just let your lawyer do your talking for you. She is the one that will come to her senses, you can see what she has to say then.........

Until that day enjoy life and family........

The best way to end an affair is for that reality to hit it and have her depend on that slimball to meet all her needs, he will run like a scared rabbit thinking she is his responsibility now...........seen it a 100 times before, all of this is classic behaviour, word for word........do not believe anything she says, only actions....she is deep in affair fog this is not your wife anymore......the rest at this point is up to her not you.........

I really don't understand how so many people are so stupid these days and feel so entitled........It's a shame really.....it's like it's such a throw away world now with no values.

Edited November 25, 2015 by afoolto no end

November 25, 2015

Well, if that is her mindset, I'm even more convinced than I was that this was not her first rodeo. Too entitled, no sign of repentance...

If you ever think of trying to reconcile, I'll repeat it, look into this and try to know everything....

But frankly... I would just divorce and never look back.

November 25, 2015

so she came clean, but apparently this is all my fault
according to her, I spend too much time with my face in a computer screen
I took no interest in her job, never got jealous when she went out with co-workers
love my dog more than her, make decisions too quickly, like asking for a divorce
too caught up in my appearance and stuck on myself ( she's the fitness freak )

and my personal favorite, I pushed her into another man's arms
because I wasn't giving her enough attention

Oh and BTW: The bad mouthing me and calling me a fool was just a stupid little game they played,
I just blew it all out of context, after all they were just dumb words. silly me

and now I'm supposed to call her when I come to my senses
yes, she REALLY did say that

I almost lost it a couple of times, but I stayed calm the entire time.

I'll have to let you guys know how I responded to all this later
my son just got here with his wife and we have boxes of food and goodies to unpack
need to clean up the kitchen and start cooking for tomorrow

Have a Have Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

BTW: HERO is my dogs name and he barked at her the whole time she was here
he's never done that before, I had to end up putting him in the garage
he only barks at people he doesn't no -
I gave him a treat after it was over - patted him on the head and told him good dog, good dog

Earlier in the thread I told you to look up DARVO and to expect it when she came home.

You have now provided the textbook example of it.

November 25, 2015

Well here is more proof that a man's seminal fluids can affect a woman's body both physically and psychologically. Since they live on average 5-7 days perhaps she will see things differently in a few days. How else can one explain such stupid and moronic logic? Blame shifting at it's finest.

November 25, 2015

FIVE affairs!!! And she's still with him!

I guess that's what you could look forward to IF you stay with a known cheater...

Glad you have a boundary Hero - and are willing to take action when someone crosses your healthy boundary!

yes that's what I said. So glad you GOT it, repeated the obvious and drove it home. I put it out there to help him, not to be ridiculed and reduced to an oversimplified formula. You don't know me, lady. You don't get to use my vulnerability to boost him up or judge either one of us.

November 25, 2015

Oh yawn, right from the script. I heard all the same things - I wasn't taking interest in his work, blah blah blah. They never think they'll get caught so having consequences is surreal for them. They manipulated and lied and there's a price to pay? But this affair was so fun and full of shenanigans and sexy time - see what a downer you are hero? You're making her point of why she had to cheat. You never wanted her to be happy and this just proves it. Whatever. I heard it too. She will either hold on to this line of thinking forever or her heads going to pop and she will be begging and crying and throwing that guy under the bus.

Minimize and deny and blameshift. Lather rinse repeat. And she's clearly not in love with the guy. What a waste of so much that she had.

Holidays suck because of how many I went all out for, trying to make a nice experience while my h texted her and wished he were with her. It was palpable and I tap danced like a champ to be a good wife. He knew what he was risking and did it anyway. All my love and loyalty couldn't fix a broken marriage if my h wasn't doing the same. I'm getting the stupid turkey ready today and I still feel humiliated and embarrassed about all this.

Use your family and lean on them. You are so lucky to have them, not everyone does. That's something remarkable you have to be thankful for.

November 25, 2015

Hero

Contrary to many other opinions and as much as I'd like to witness it, I would suggest you not try to make her look bad at her workplace. Looking at the next hurdle, you stated that this is one her first jobs in a while. If this goes to D, you want her employed and earning a living so as to minimize the spousal support you could be required to pay. That is truly salt in an open wound. Trust me, I love to watch the squirm as she is being served in front of those who watched her carrying on with bar-boy but long term I think the short term satisfaction would be repaid by monthly payments to her for a long time.

Just trying to help you keep a clear head.

November 25, 2015

so she came clean, but apparently this is all my fault
according to her, I spend too much time with my face in a computer screen
I took no interest in her job, never got jealous when she went out with co-workers
love my dog more than her, make decisions too quickly, like asking for a divorce
too caught up in my appearance and stuck on myself ( she's the fitness freak )

and my personal favorite, I pushed her into another man's arms
because I wasn't giving her enough attention

Oh and BTW: The bad mouthing me and calling me a fool was just a stupid little game they played,
I just blew it all out of context, after all they were just dumb words. silly me

and now I'm supposed to call her when I come to my senses
yes, she REALLY did say that

I almost lost it a couple of times, but I stayed calm the entire time.

I'll have to let you guys know how I responded to all this later
my son just got here with his wife and we have boxes of food and goodies to unpack
need to clean up the kitchen and start cooking for tomorrow

Have a Have Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

BTW: HERO is my dogs name and he barked at her the whole time she was here
he's never done that before, I had to end up putting him in the garage
he only barks at people he doesn't no -
I gave him a treat after it was over - patted him on the head and told him good dog, good dog

Didn't she say in a text a few days ago that she felt you were controlling her?

Small detail in the grand scheme of things I know. My point is that she is totally blame-shifting.

You can tell her all the times you reached out to try to talk, be intimate, connect, and you were met with an attitude. You can ask her why didn't she respond to you reaching out to her and tell you how unhappy she was earlier. And now that she is caught, she is trying to rewrite history. She is doing this to assuage her guilt I think, and to get some power back in this situation.

Move forward with the divorce, and with protecting your money and lines of credit.

ETA: Your dog is a hero indeed.

Edited November 25, 2015 by Imajerk17

November 25, 2015

yes that's what I said. So glad you GOT it, repeated the obvious and drove it home. I put it out there to help him, not to be ridiculed and reduced to an oversimplified formula. You don't know me, lady. You don't get to use my vulnerability to boost him up or judge either one of us.

Judge?

Drawing a conclusion based on evidence any poster types is only natural here - where the words typed are what we have to work with.

You provided your evidence and I responded. I'm unsure why you took offense to the info you provided yourself.

Either way it's useful information that could help any betrayed spouse dealing with a wayward spouse that blames the betrayed one (as his spouse has).

I hope you're doing ok OP!

November 25, 2015

so she came clean, but apparently this is all my fault
according to her, I spend too much time with my face in a computer screen
I took no interest in her job, never got jealous when she went out with co-workers
love my dog more than her, make decisions too quickly, like asking for a divorce
too caught up in my appearance and stuck on myself ( she's the fitness freak )

and my personal favorite, I pushed her into another man's arms
because I wasn't giving her enough attention

Oh and BTW: The bad mouthing me and calling me a fool was just a stupid little game they played,
I just blew it all out of context, after all they were just dumb words. silly me

and now I'm supposed to call her when I come to my senses
yes, she REALLY did say that

Good Lord, what a piece of work.

Part of this reaction, I think, is her inability to wrap her mind around the severity of the situation. She's probably convinced herself that it's a speed bump and she can talk her way out of it.

I am sorry you're enduring this. But when you push through, you'll be rid of this treachery in your home and in your bed. And ultimately, that's a good thing.

November 25, 2015

Hero

Contrary to many other opinions and as much as I'd like to witness it, I would suggest you not try to make her look bad at her workplace. Looking at the next hurdle, you stated that this is one her first jobs in a while. If this goes to D, you want her employed and earning a living so as to minimize the spousal support you could be required to pay. That is truly salt in an open wound. Trust me, I love to watch the squirm as she is being served in front of those who watched her carrying on with bar-boy but long term I think the short term satisfaction would be repaid by monthly payments to her for a long time.

Just trying to help you keep a clear head.

I'm inclined to agree. She's going to have plenty of problems herself, so let her deal with it.

Also, from what I gather it appears she carried on fairly openly with this guy, so her conduct is not likely to be a secret to her coworkers and they know all about her conduct. People tend to not really think too highly for this kind of extramarital fun, so let these chips fall where they may.

November 25, 2015

Thanks everyone for all the support

House was paid for before we married, it's in my name, she moved in later, House is mine, she can't touch it

I will end up having to pay spousal support since I bring in the majority of the bread

Assets should be divided up equally, the only thing I'm pissed about is my business

I built it from the ground up, she did nothing, but it looks like the courts could care less

We have 3 accounts, 2 separate and 1 joint, closing the joint account today

she gave me the credit card, but she's got her own

she's got a little money saved up and her parents help her out so she'll be fine

my greatest concern is my dog, we picked him out together

she loved him until the day he peed on her rug then all she did was yell at him

she might try to fight me for the dog just to be spiteful, but she will rue the day

nobody yells at my dog

November 25, 2015

Hero

Contrary to many other opinions and as much as I'd like to witness it, I would suggest you not try to make her look bad at her workplace. Looking at the next hurdle, you stated that this is one her first jobs in a while. If this goes to D, you want her employed and earning a living so as to minimize the spousal support you could be required to pay. That is truly salt in an open wound. Trust me, I love to watch the squirm as she is being served in front of those who watched her carrying on with bar-boy but long term I think the short term satisfaction would be repaid by monthly payments to her for a long time.

Just trying to help you keep a clear head.

It just shows how utterly bias and messed up our justice system is. A woman can CHEAT on a man and if he divorces her he might still wind up having to pay her some alimony. That is so god damn ridiculous. She shouldn't be entitled to the lint in the OP's pockets let alone money.

November 25, 2015

Didn't she say in a text a few days ago that she felt you were controlling her?

you caught that too huh?

she has all this freedom, gets mad because I never caused a fuss about

her going out with her co-workers

but one night of no contact from me and I'm controlling - go figure

November 25, 2015

Thanks everyone for all the support

House was paid for before we married, it's in my name, she moved in later, House is mine, she can't touch it
I will end up having to pay spousal support since I bring in the majority of the bread

Assets should be divided up equally, the only thing I'm pissed about is my business
I built it from the ground up, she did nothing, but it looks like the courts could care less

We have 3 accounts, 2 separate and 1 joint, closing the joint account today
she gave me the credit card, but she's got her own

she's got a little money saved up and her parents help her out so she'll be fine

my greatest concern is my dog, we picked him out together
she loved him until the day he peed on her rug then all she did was yell at him
she might try to fight me for the dog just to be spiteful, but she will rue the day

nobody yells at my dog

Dude listen to what I am going to say to you: if she even remotely HINTS to you she might try to take that dog from you..you post what she did all over Facebook, you tell her family what she did, you tell her friends what she did, you broadcast this news to her work, you HANG UP FLIERS of her describing her cheating ways all around her neighborhood.

Since no, just no. She doesn't get to do this and try to take the dog, that thought shouldn't even enter her tiny little brain. So if she even hints at it, I don't care if you read a dream journal of hers where she dreams she tried to get the dog, you take action immediately.

November 25, 2015

One word......yuck!!!!!

Probably true but yuck!!

November 25, 2015

Hero, on page 6, my post 79 I suggested you read up on the 180 and make that your Mantra starting immediately. I am giving you that advice again. Copy it for your car, the mirror you shave in front of, have a copy on your fridge, keep a copy at your office. If it's not about finances, since you have no children together, don't talk to her. The 180 is a behaviour designed to help you, not to win her back but survive the disaster her infidelity has brought to your marriage. One of the side effects of the 180 is it makes you look stronger and stronger is an attractive trait to women. Be strong friend, we know what your going through.

November 25, 2015

so she came clean, but apparently this is all my fault
according to her, I spend too much time with my face in a computer screen
I took no interest in her job, never got jealous when she went out with co-workers
love my dog more than her, make decisions too quickly, like asking for a divorce
too caught up in my appearance and stuck on myself ( she's the fitness freak )

and my personal favorite, I pushed her into another man's arms
because I wasn't giving her enough attention

Oh and BTW: The bad mouthing me and calling me a fool was just a stupid little game they played,
I just blew it all out of context, after all they were just dumb words. silly me

and now I'm supposed to call her when I come to my senses
yes, she REALLY did say that

I almost lost it a couple of times, but I stayed calm the entire time.

I'll have to let you guys know how I responded to all this later
my son just got here with his wife and we have boxes of food and goodies to unpack
need to clean up the kitchen and start cooking for tomorrow

Have a Have Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

BTW: HERO is my dogs name and he barked at her the whole time she was here
he's never done that before, I had to end up putting him in the garage
he only barks at people he doesn't no -
I gave him a treat after it was over - patted him on the head and told him good dog, good dog

I have triggered so badly reading this post that I have had to listened to David Bowies Hero's at least 18 times, even as I write this to your post. Please give Hero a pat on the head and a treat for me. Please don't come to your senses.

November 25, 2015

Hero - get the divorce over as quickly as possible. That means listening to your lawyer and not getting hung up over money. She's going to get a chunk of your business - no doubt - and could end up getting a chunk of your house and everything else. After 10 years the law is fuzzy on separating who contributed what so chopping things down the middle is the way it's going to go most of the time. No matter the situation, let your lawyer earn his money and be generous just to get rid of her and start to heal.

Try to avoid the trap of visualizing her and the marriage you had as some kind of Garden of Eden. She was far from perfect and did plenty of things that bugged the hell out of you. In other words, don't torture yourself now with feelings of love that you never felt for her while you were together.

Edited November 26, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

November 25, 2015

She thinks you are bluffing and that she called your bluff.

Serve her now.

November 25, 2015

Hero

Almost laughable she thinks you will come to your senses. You came to your senses when you started investigating what she was doing and when you called your attorney .

I would have no contact at all with her . Let your lawyer do talking.

My guess is if her boss is single she ain't in any hotel . There is no reconciliation going to happen here and I hope you know that .

Since you have a lot more money then her tell her she will spend every dime she has trying to get the dgg from you.

And now start getting all remnants of her out of your life.

November 25, 2015

It just shows how utterly bias and messed up our justice system is. A woman can CHEAT on a man and if he divorces her he might still wind up having to pay her some alimony. That is so god damn ridiculous. She shouldn't be entitled to the lint in the OP's pockets let alone money.

Somewhat OT, but needs to be said: Please hold off on your gender-biased accusations. In a no-fault state, these laws go both ways. Some women earn more than their husbands. In those cases when the husband cheats and the woman divorces him, she gets to pay him spousal support as part of the deal. Happens with greater and greater frequency these days.

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