How do I keep sexual thoughts about my co-workers out of my head while at work?

[MightyPen]

The last three posts were all much more helpful. I'm taking some of that advice right now, making lists of tasks, charting out the rest of my afternoon with said tasks, and plan to do the same tomorrow.

 

 

I think avoiding downtime and keeping tasks on my plate will help focus me. No more posting for the day. I'm focusing on work.

[Gloria25]

Casey, thanks for a response that actually helped and gave me an actual technique to incorporate.

 

To other folks - if you are going to just criticize me or just say "stop thinking about women like that!" then don't respond. Those sorts of replies are nonresponsive to my OP.

 

I asked for specific ideas/techniques to help me deal with/minimize the thoughts. I did not ask for you to beat me up because I have the thoughts in the first place.

 

I hope my advice didn't come off as attacks, but lemme explain a different way that I hope helps.

 

The problem isn't your coworkers. Try to stay busy all you want, but to stop having these thoughts about them I believe it would be best to look at the correlation between this at work and your EA.

 

Cuz when you stopped the EA, you began focusing on coworkers...if we help you to stop focusing on coworkers, that sexual energy and/or need/desire for stimulation is just gonna manifest itself into something else.

 

Just my two cents...

[WaitingForBardot]

I can't speak for any other guys, but I'd have no problem with my wife being horny from checking out other guys and "taking it out" on me.

Me neither. How's the old saying go: "Doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you go home to eat."

[Gloria25]

Want more advice?

 

Put pictures of your wife and kids on your computer, desk, wall, key chains, celphones and every time another woman catches your eye, take a look at the pics of your wife and kids...also, send a sweet, sexy, etc text or call to your wife. Redirect the energy you are putting into these other women.

[Gloria25]

Me neither. How's the old saying go: "Doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you go home to eat."

 

Oh how lovely, I get to be my man's choice by "default".

 

Yes, I've heard/seen of women who are proud to boast that 'at the end of the day, he comes home to me' and I think that's sad.

Edited November 18, 2015 by Gloria25

[Profman]

It's pretty normal behaviour to fancy even fantasise about your Co workers. I have the same issue myself with one girl. I'm very tempted to make a move but I'm married.

[WaitingForBardot]

Oh how lovely, I get to be my man's choice by "default".

 

Yes, I've heard/seen of women who are proud to boast that 'at the end of the day, he comes home to me' and I think that's sad.

I'm not sure it's about pride, but more a recognition of the fact that (at least) most people are sexual beings and the idea that you can prevent them from fantasizing about others is fundamentally flawed. That they come home to you at the end of the day is in fact important.

[LuckyLady13]

It's pretty normal behaviour to fancy even fantasise about your Co workers. I have the same issue myself with one girl. I'm very tempted to make a move but I'm married.

 

Profman, you're saying it's normal to fantasize about coworkers but you're also talking, directly after that, of being tempted to cheat on your wife.

 

I suppose it is "normal" for people who cheat on their spouse to fantasize about coworkers? A lot of those people lose their marriage and embarrass themselves at their job.

 

My definition of normal is to not fantasize about coworkers and I've never cheated on anyone once ever. Is there a correlation between the two things? Yup.

[WaitingForBardot]

...

 

My definition of normal is to not fantasize about coworkers and I've never cheated on anyone once ever. Is there a correlation between the two things? Yup.

Well we can always match anecdote to anecdote: My definition of normal is to occasionally fantasize about women not my wife yet I don't cheat. So, is there a correlation between those two traits? Obviously not!

[Gloria25]

I'm not sure it's about pride, but more a recognition of the fact that (at least) most people are sexual beings and the idea that you can prevent them from fantasizing about others is fundamentally flawed. That they come home to you at the end of the day is in fact important.

 

I'm not denying the fact that a human is going to recognize someone other than their spouse, SO, etc., but when it turns into full blown and constant thoughts of getting it on with other people, but at the end of the day you're "stuck" with me? No thanks

 

One thing is recognizing what you have at home and being proud to come home to it...another is being "obligated" to come home to it.

 

Paul Newman once said something like, 'Why go out for hamburgers when I have steak at home', when he was asked about how he and Joanne Woodward, his lovely wife of many years been together or something w/o cheating for so long (I mean, Paul Newman was also a great catch himself).

 

I would be proud of a statement like Paul's if I was Joanne. But in the OP's situation, where it appears he comes home to "hamburger" and has sex with her thinking about other womeb on the regular? No thanks, I don't wanna be something you feel you had/have to "settle" for.

[WaitingForBardot]

I'm not denying the fact that a human is going to recognize someone other than their spouse, SO, etc., but when it turns into full blown and constant thoughts of getting it on with other people, but at the end of the day you're "stuck" with me? No thanks

 

One thing is recognizing what you have at home and being proud to come home to it...another is being "obligated" to come home to it.

 

Paul Newman once said something like, 'Why go out for hamburgers when I have steak at home', when he was asked about how he and Joanne Woodward, his lovely wife of many years been together or something w/o cheating for so long (I mean, Paul Newman was also a great catch himself).

 

I would be proud of a statement like Paul's if I was Joanne. But in the OP's situation, where it appears he comes home to "hamburger" and has sex with her thinking about other womeb on the regular? No thanks, I don't wanna be something you feel you had/have to "settle" for.

I don't disagree with a single thing you've said there. I'm just not reading that much into the OP.

[MightyPen]

I don't disagree with a single thing you've said there. I'm just not reading that much into the OP.

 

 

Yeah I feel like it's been a bit overblown, but at the same time, I admit it's been distracting enough that I posted about it.

 

But I think I've solved the problem so we can probably let this thread die.

[CarrieT]

But I think I've solved the problem so we can probably let this thread die.

How did you solve the problem?

[loverboy69]

I don't have any answers for you sorry. I'm just posting on this thread to say that I'm just like you so you're not alone. I have an extremely active healthy sex drive myself just directed to the other team.

 

You can't control your thoughts only your actions. As adults it's what we have to learn to deal with.

 

When you work with attractive people the day goes by faster and you actually look forward to going to work.

 

You may not have this luxury where you work but there have been times that I was so distracted that I would try to finish my really important tasks/projects in another office upstairs while playing music and once I was done I'd go back to my office and enjoy the view.

[burnt]

Casey, thanks for a response that actually helped and gave me an actual technique to incorporate.

 

To other folks - if you are going to just criticize me or just say "stop thinking about women like that!" then don't respond. Those sorts of replies are nonresponsive to my OP.

 

I asked for specific ideas/techniques to help me deal with/minimize the thoughts. I did not ask for you to beat me up because I have the thoughts in the first place.

 

Hi MightyPen,

As you may remember, you and I have certain parallels in our stories.

 

I just read your last post, saying that you have solved the problem; but still if I may, I'd like to share some of my thoughts/reactions to this thread.

 

Firstly, I wouldn't be upset reading a comment from a poster, even if I see it as 'unhelpful' or 'non-responsive'. Actually, I see it as a good thing, because the wide variety of responses can indicate the 'problem' is not trivial and you won't find a simple solution. I know hearing criticisms are not fun or helpful, but after some time has passed, if you reread a post from the past, you get a fresher perspective on how others see things. This can be helpful. So allow the comments to come freely, even if you perceive them to be pointless right now.

 

Secondly, and more importantly, I'm rather troubled by reading this entire thread. Please understand my intention is not to criticize you, but rather to point out my observations--whether they are right or wrong, whether they are helpful or not--that's up to you to decide.

 

Like Gloria, when I read this, my immediate thoughts were to see the connection between this and your recent EA.

 

I feel there's a deeper issue here--much deeper than the EA.

 

For all this time, I have been in pain and unable to cope with the emotional torment I have been through, I have been begging "please stop the pain". I wished I could 'handle' it better. It's only recently I've realized that the pain is actually the ONLY normal reaction.

 

You are supposed to go through a very painful, stressful, confusing state before you get better. The level of pain is directly related to the depth of your EA. You had a connection for over a year, therefore, for a while you should feel confused and disconnected from most things around you.

 

The thing that's troubling me is that you 'seem' to have bounced back up pretty quickly--perhaps I'm wrong in saying this, and forgive me, if I am.

 

In most of the posts I have read in this site, there is always a subtle tone of melancholy in everyone's words after a loss, even for the ones who are starting to heal; a sense of hopelessness, a sense of dissociation, and a general lack of interest and general inability to get excited about daily life.

 

Yes, I know everybody deals with pain in a different way, but something's bothering me about how relatively 'easily' you are handling the loss and the aftermath. Again, I'm sorry, if I'm off base here.

 

I know you're trying to look for a solution, but I think you should try to understand the root of the problem. You can certainly find ways to handle this current issue of thinking of your coworkers by various ways to REDIRECT your thoughts. I personally think it's normal of most men to think of attractive female coworkers in sexual way at times. But in your situation, so shortly after the EA, it's not making much sense. Something tells me just in a matter of short time, you will find yourself dealing with other questionable feelings.

 

I don't know...I just feel something's not right here about how you are feeling.

[MightyPen]

How did you solve the problem?

 

 

Better time management mostly. I posted my calendar with color-blocked tasks today and really rocked it (until about 30 minutes ago when Friday afternoon laziness kicked in).

[MightyPen]

I don't have any answers for you sorry. I'm just posting on this thread to say that I'm just like you so you're not alone. I have an extremely active healthy sex drive myself just directed to the other team.

 

You can't control your thoughts only your actions. As adults it's what we have to learn to deal with.

 

When you work with attractive people the day goes by faster and you actually look forward to going to work.

 

You may not have this luxury where you work but there have been times that I was so distracted that I would try to finish my really important tasks/projects in another office upstairs while playing music and once I was done I'd go back to my office and enjoy the view.

 

 

Yep, your last little suggestion is very helpful. I closed my door and played some podcasts and some music as I worked and it helped. I need a little something in the background most of the time when I work. Nothing too intense.

[MightyPen]

Hi MightyPen,

As you may remember, you and I have certain parallels in our stories.

 

I just read your last post, saying that you have solved the problem; but still if I may, I'd like to share some of my thoughts/reactions to this thread.

 

Firstly, I wouldn't be upset reading a comment from a poster, even if I see it as 'unhelpful' or 'non-responsive'. Actually, I see it as a good thing, because the wide variety of responses can indicate the 'problem' is not trivial and you won't find a simple solution. I know hearing criticisms are not fun or helpful, but after some time has passed, if you reread a post from the past, you get a fresher perspective on how others see things. This can be helpful. So allow the comments to come freely, even if you perceive them to be pointless right now.

 

Secondly, and more importantly, I'm rather troubled by reading this entire thread. Please understand my intention is not to criticize you, but rather to point out my observations--whether they are right or wrong, whether they are helpful or not--that's up to you to decide.

 

Like Gloria, when I read this, my immediate thoughts were to see the connection between this and your recent EA.

 

I feel there's a deeper issue here--much deeper than the EA.

 

For all this time, I have been in pain and unable to cope with the emotional torment I have been through, I have been begging "please stop the pain". I wished I could 'handle' it better. It's only recently I've realized that the pain is actually the ONLY normal reaction.

 

You are supposed to go through a very painful, stressful, confusing state before you get better. The level of pain is directly related to the depth of your EA. You had a connection for over a year, therefore, for a while you should feel confused and disconnected from most things around you.

 

The thing that's troubling me is that you 'seem' to have bounced back up pretty quickly--perhaps I'm wrong in saying this, and forgive me, if I am.

 

In most of the posts I have read in this site, there is always a subtle tone of melancholy in everyone's words after a loss, even for the ones who are starting to heal; a sense of hopelessness, a sense of dissociation, and a general lack of interest and general inability to get excited about daily life.

 

Yes, I know everybody deals with pain in a different way, but something's bothering me about how relatively 'easily' you are handling the loss and the aftermath. Again, I'm sorry, if I'm off base here.

 

I know you're trying to look for a solution, but I think you should try to understand the root of the problem. You can certainly find ways to handle this current issue of thinking of your coworkers by various ways to REDIRECT your thoughts. I personally think it's normal of most men to think of attractive female coworkers in sexual way at times. But in your situation, so shortly after the EA, it's not making much sense. Something tells me just in a matter of short time, you will find yourself dealing with other questionable feelings.

 

I don't know...I just feel something's not right here about how you are feeling.

 

All I will say in public is that losing contact with her pretty much devastated me. So if I put out any vibe on here that I was just fine, I was just overcompensating. As you know from your own experience, you don't just go from thinking about someone every...single...day to losing him/her entirely without some heartbreaking transitional time.

 

 

I'm not trying to duck your question/comments, because honestly they are very insightful, but I've chosen to no longer talk about her on the public forums.

[Gloria25]

When you work with attractive people the day goes by faster and you actually look forward to going to work.

 

You may not have this luxury where you work but there have been times that I was so distracted that I would try to finish my really important tasks/projects in another office upstairs while playing music and once I was done I'd go back to my office and enjoy the view.

 

Really?

 

Maybe I'm a rare breed, but the lack of guys to flirt with, stare at, etc wouldn't make my work day any faster/better. I somehow manage just fine listening to my fav podcaster, music, or comedy on iHeart radio...quite frankly I love the days when I can pop in my earbuds and tune the whole world out.

 

And IMO, of the rare time I may have found a coworker attractive, it only made going to work more of s struggle cuz you have to watch what you say/do instead of concentrating at work.

[edgygirl]

Maybe for men... It never happened to me, and I doubt it happens with many women.

 

Also, as someone pointed out, when I'm working I have dozens of tasks / meetings / emails / phone calls / projects / decisions to be completed per day. Not sure how there's time left to be thinking about how hot a co-worker is. Although I'm single, I learned it's better to not think about co-workers as potential flings.

 

Now I get the previous thread where OP wanted to ban a co-worker from using leggings. It was because of how his mind works, not her leggings.

 

Ugh... I'll never look at men at work the same way again. I'll be thinking they're checking me out. Actually I've sensed it happen often and thought I was being crazy.

 

It's pretty normal behaviour to fancy even fantasise about your Co workers. I have the same issue myself with one girl. I'm very tempted to make a move but I'm married.

[MightyPen]

Maybe for men... It never happened to me, and I doubt it happens with many women.

 

Also, as someone pointed out, when I'm working I have dozens of tasks / meetings / emails / phone calls / projects / decisions to be completed per day. Not sure how there's time left to be thinking about how hot a co-worker is. Although I'm single, I learned it's better to not think about co-workers as potential flings.

 

Now I get the previous thread where OP wanted to ban a co-worker from using leggings. It was because of how his mind works, not her leggings.

 

Ugh... I'll never look at men at work the same way again. I'll be thinking they're checking me out. Actually I've sensed it happen often and thought I was being crazy.

 

 

"His mind?" Really?

 

News flash: Most men think about sex constantly. It's the way it is. I'm surprised more women don't realize this.

 

And the leggings are just not professional. I would oppose them in a professional environment regardless of whether the wearer was hot or an overweight middle-aged woman.

Edited November 23, 2015 by MightyPen

[jen1447]

News flash: Most men think about sex constantly.

 

Many women do too.

[maturityassets]

I usually just focus on all the reasons I am with my girlfriend as a personal oath to me validating my values and identity. Look sex with others is tempting. But you should remind yourself sex is momentary action with those you are not in a relationship with, and ultimately hold little significance other than perhaps a notch in the belt or a personal ego boost. I just practice what I believe in.

 

Also don't try to discipline or repress. You'll make it worse. Also remember thoughts are just thoughts, if you are sure about your personal values then your random thoughts are just random thoughts.

Edited November 24, 2015 by maturityassets

[LuckyLady13]

For me personally, it was a rare event someone I worked with was attractive enough to fantasize about. I'm not attracted to every guy with a pulse.

 

Most of the attractive men I've met in life were outside of work. If anything, at work, I'd catch myself thinking about someone who I knew outside of work and would have to do something to get my focus back on my job. At one job I worked with 1,000 people and we dealt with 1,000 people personally, up close, every shift. It's not as if I worked with just a few ugly guys and there wasn't anything good to choose from.

 

I don't know how anybody can have standards so low they are attracted to anyone that moves or breathes.

[Miss Peach]

When I'm ovulating it's not uncommon for me to think of sex constantly. Work isn't an exception. Of course I get my work done but it doesn't mean my mind doesn't wander off a bit too.

 

I work in a male dominated industry. It's very uncommon to see women in my field. The amount I see my (male) coworkers think about women and sex it's not uncommon even though most are married. I have coworkers who like to sit in certain tables at lunch so they can check out the women passing by. In fact we do to lunch at this one restaurant weekly because it's next to a yoga studio and they like to watch the women in their tight clothing.

 

I've seen the same with female friends when we've gone out and people watched. One of my female friends liked staring at a cute guy at the table next to us. It's not limited to women IMO.

 

I guess I see it as normal. I would question my relationship if I wanted to take anything to more than a fleeting fantasy though. But I see many people - men and women - look.